Original subtitles

(Boris): Oh, is Joanne posting thirst traps?

(Ann): Yeah, she's having a full meltdown.

I guess she's trying to get Leanne's attention,

or something. I don't know.

Three likes and no comments. Oof.

This supposed to make Leanne jealous?

I mean, I don't know. I think she looks kind of cute.

Oh, my God. Oh, oh.

So, uh, you wanted to talk strategy?

Yeah, I did until I saw these photos.

Joanne, this is a disgrace. I cannot sponsor a team

whose most important team member is posting thirst traps

on the internet at 3 a.m. What are you, drunk?

I wish, um...

I'm going through a breakup. - I really don't wanna know

about your personal life- I don't care.

It was the other coach on the team-

What?! You're dating someone on your own team?

Aren't there rules against dating your coworkers?

Teammates? Uh, no. But there should be.

Yeah, no, well, there have to be,

because this, this can never happen again.

Ugh, God. - You know what, Barb?

That is a great idea.

Yeah, you'll find I'm full of them, I know.

Okay, get out. I have to brainstorm campaign ads

that appeal to poor people and women over 60.

Yeah, thanks.

And Joanne, you're too old for thirst traps.

Just get a dog. Get a small, stupid dog.

Get off the internet.

(theme music)

I should've known something was up

when she asked to borrow my Viking sword.

(Joanne): Take a good long look. - Oh!

I know what I did, and I'm not proud of myself.

- Why haven't you deleted them? - Self-punishment.

And as a reminder that love will make you do stupid stuff.

Me and Leanne's fights lost us how many championships?

Love and sports do not mix.

And that is why I brought these.

Non-fraternization agreements?

Oh, NFAs. They made us sign these

at space camp last summer.

"Under no circumstances shall a team member

enter into a sexual or romantic relationship

with another team member, including prolonged hugs"?

That's right. No inter-team dating,

no inter-team sex.

Leanne and I were a problem,

and we cannot let that happen again.

What happens if we have sex with somebody by accident?

Page six, any breach of the term set herein

result in immediate termination from the team.

- You'll kick us off the team? - I'm not trying to be negative,

Joanne, but... these didn't work

at space camp, except for on me, but that's not

because I wasn't trying. - Okay, uh, listen up everybody.

I think that today, maybe especially today,

we should listen to Joanne and do what she asks, okay?

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want

your pity signatures because I posted those...

shameful photos. - Well...

that's what you getting. - Okay, fine.

(chuckling) You guys don't want to have sex

with each other anyway, right? It like sleeping with a cousin.

Yeah. Or like having sex with your sister, you know?

Or sex with your mom.

Or sex with your, with your grandmom.

(door opening)

(clearing throat) - Barb, hey, what a surprise.

Oh, yes, this will do nicely.

- Sorry, what? - I saw you getting

into your shitty car, and I had a stroke of brilliance.

I need to show this town that yes,

I am a powerful businesswoman with a four-bedroom houseboat.

But I can also toss a ball around with sad losers like you.

So, you are all going to be starring

in my campaign video with me.

Camera crew gets here in an hour.

We're going to be on TV? (gasping)

- Yes! - Uh, that's cool, Barb,

but we need to practice today.

- Oh, come on, Joanne. - Come on!

TV ready. One hour, capiche? Good.

Okay, and God.

To anticipate, I need to get my outdoor shoes on.

Okay.

Woof.

Boris! Don't be a perv. Look away.

Um, sorry, does it say somewhere in there

that, um, we can't have sex with the team sponsor?

- Mm-hmm, yes. - Shit.

(Barb): Alright, I'm leaving. Don't think about sex.

Joanne's rule. (running water)

(wolf whistling)

What'd I miss?

So sometimes, you know, you got a friend in need

and you want to help them out-

- Joanne. - You do, but then,

you watch a real sexy person

walkin' outta the shower- - Mel!

And then you realize that what your friend actually needs

is to realize that "no sex contracts" are stupid

and she needs to take them back so that I can have

more sex with Barbara in the back

of the Taco Bell parking lot.

Joanne, uh, about those contracts.

Yeah, I actually think that I signed mine wrong-

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, there's no going back on these.

(huffing) We are all in this

"no sex" thing together.

But Joanne, we're gonna be famous.

You can't cage us in if we're gonna be TV stars

in Barb's commercial.

Yeah, and we gotta look good.

So, I do have my kit in my car

if anybody wants like a little mini makeover.

- I want one. - Yes, Zari.

And clothes too. (gasping)

There's some amazing bras in the Lost and Found.

(Lee): Oh, I saw them. - Okay, guys,

can we just focus?

Not let our brains turn to mush

because we're gonna be on local television.

I beg of you. Can I have those? Thank you.

Look, if you want to get your makeup done by Sasha

and pick a bra from the Lost and Found, go for it.

But can we, can we just get one good hour of practicing

before Barb gets back?

Please?

Meet me on the field.

The last time someone filmed one of my lectures,

I had huge pit stains and that's on YouTube forever.

I need to look hot if I'm gonna be on TV.

Yeah, but I mean, aren't we on TV, like, right now?

Yeah, but that's not like real TV.

- Mm. - No offense,

but no one's ever gonna watch this, right?

(chuckling) - They'll be too busy watching

boom, boom, boom.

(together): Oh!

Oh!

(Boris): He killed her with his boobs!

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey. There you are.

- Yeah, hi. - I just, um,

wanted to just have a little quick chat

about, uh, that kiss, the kiss last week?

(rock music)

Yeah, sorry you had to do that.

Oh, God, don't apologize. Honestly, seeing the look

on Leanne's face, 100 % worth it.

Yeah? You think she bought it? (chuckling)

Yeah, why wouldn't she?

Come on, a girl like you, a girl like me.

Yeah, but I guess this whole NFA thing

means that that can never happen again, so...

- Exactly. Yeah. - Right, um...

Looks like you're just gonna have to have

your hot girl summer with a bunch of babes

that don't play slo pitch. (chuckling)

Yeah, hot girl summer. Totally.

Thank you, global warming!

(chuckling)

(sighing)

(Boris, whispering): Oh, she's coming. Look sharp!

Psst, Sasha! Come here! (Ann): Sasha, get over here.

- Why are you guys hiding? - Hurry up, hurry up.

We're on a top secret mission and we're here to recruit you.

Forget about face paint stuff.

- You have a higher calling now. - Yes.

- Okay, what's that? - You gotta help us

get Joanne to burn those contracts.

- Mm-hmm. - So we need you to step in

and help us, uh, guide Joanne down a little lane

we like to call- - Horny Lane.

So we're all gonna put on our best Tobey Maguire acts

and we're going to seduce Joanne.

- Tobey Maguire? - Spider-Man. Iconic Playboy.

- Okay... - Then, when she's

inflamed with lust, she will realize

the error of her ways and take back the contracts.

Well, you know what? Joanne did say

that she is down for a hot girl summer.

- A hot girl summer? - Yeah, that's what she said.

And honestly, I respect it. - No, no, no, no.

Joanne is not ready for real women.

- No. - No.

Not of that. No.

If she's gonna rebound, she's gonna do it

with someone, you know, low stakes.

- Yeah. - Relatable-

Someone that's been single for seven years

and doesn't get attached? - Well, you said it, not me.

Exactly.

(huffing)

All right, you freaks. I'm in.

Yes!

- It'll be fun. - Yeah, oh yes.

- You won't regret it. - It'll be fun.

- You'll have a great time. - What is the plan?

(playful music)

(keys jingling)

Hey Lee, um, I got some bad news.

I gotta help Ann and Boris convince Joanne

to take back the NFAs. But good news is, I brought Mel

to help you here with the makeovers.

That's my kit. - Me?

Enjoy! Have fun, you two!

Oh, I don't know how to do the makeup stuff.

(door shutting)

Um... - This is not my idea

of fun, bro. - I... okay.

Let's just see what we can do.

(sighing) - I don't understand

why they want to cancel the NFAs.

Aren't you all like cousins

who don't want to sleep with each other anyway?

Yeah, but I think that changed when Anne

saw you getting out of the shower.

Oh my god, I knew it.

What?

It's happening all over again.

I could see the looks. - Uh, sorry.

Are you okay?

It's my animal magnetism.

I'm a baddie, everybody wants me.

And it's like, bro, I don't even try.

(slaps leg) It's like the less I try,

the more chicks throw themselves at me.

Wish I could have that problem.

What if you try doing the opposite?

- What? - Like if you try really hard

then maybe your casual mystique won't be so unstoppable.

Smart. It should work on these homos, right?

- I think so. - Yo!

Cover me in this shit, dog. (laughing)

Yeah, that the only way these freaks

are gonna leave me alone.

I wanna look like one high-maintenance bitch.

- YouTube tutorial. - Yeah, let's go.

Whoa.

- There she is... - Ready to be seduced.

Okay, let me tell you my plan first.

- Yeah, okay. - Gather around, gather around.

Okay, I'm thinking I'm gonna go the nostalgia route.

- Nice! - Because get this, get this,

Joanne and I kissed in high school.

- What? - Really?

Yeah, it was a joke

and she was like going through this meatball sub phase,

absolutely disgusting, but, pfft,

like, let's be real, she probably loved it.

- Definitely. - Yeah.

Okay, Boris, what you got?

Okay, so I find that I have a lot of success

commenting incessantly on women's pictures

on the internet, so I'm going to spam

Joanne's thirst traps. - Okay, yeah.

- Sasha. - Sasha.

Great, well, uh, I figured

I'd go for the classic. I'd ask Joanne

to help me with my batting, and then when she helps me,

our hands will touch. It'll be electric and I'll say-

- No, no, no, no, no. - No.

What is this, Heated Rivalry? Absolutely not.

No, no, no. Cute, not Joanne's type.

(Sasha): What's Joanne's type?

- Well, hot, mean, narcissistic. - Yep.

And you're only one of those things.

- Hot, right? - Yeah.

Yeah, but there's still two pieces missing.

Mm-hmm.

Guys, you want me to be mean to Joanne?

- Yes! - Yes!

Yeah, I guess Leanne was a huge bitch.

Exactly.

(sighing) - Okay.

Okay, you go first, and I'll teach Sasha

how to be a bitch. Go.

(romantic jazzy music)

Hey, uh, Joanne.

One special drink for a special lady.

Coming up. Go on.

Oh, thanks, but, uh,

I try not to drink vodka before 2 p.m.

(chuckling) - You and your rules, my god.

Just have a little sip.

Goes great with a meatball sub. (sighing)

Mm-hmm. - Okay.

Oh, will they, won't they?

(coughs)

(cup thudding)

Sorry. That was good. It was good.

It was just, uh, it's practice time.

Guys!

(sighs)

Okay, open your eyes.

Oh, bro!

More! Do more! - Okay, okay.

(sighing)

I almost asked that bitch out and I'm nervous.

(laughing)

(playful music)

No, do you want a powered hit?

Um, may I? - Uh, yes.

Okay, so you have to shift your weight to your back leg.

(chuckling) And then you drive

with your hips.

(Sasha): Shift, drive...

Oh, God, what is this wholesome ass shit?

I don't know, I thought you taught her

how to be a bitch. - Ugh...

What the fuck is this? (Joanne): Yeah!

- Come on. - Yeah, you got this.

That's it.

Thanks! Well...

Somebody has to, because you suck at this.

(chuckling)

Okay, sorry.

Yeah, well, you should be.

Why don't you try for once in your life,

you bad, bad girl.

You bad, bad girl!

Get over here and help me.

Get over here and touch my body.

(screaming): Touch my body right now!

Honestly, I'm a little bummed out.

I would have loved to be a part of

the Seduce Joanne campaign, but...

Zari, perfect. I need your help figuring out

what to comment on Joanne's muscle pics.

- You need my help? - Yes, of course.

You're so good with words. Okay, so,

I want to say something like, "hot ass,"

but in the way that Joanne would like.

Okay. Um, how about irrefutable evidence

that squats are an art form?

Or-or-or this derriere has been peer-reviewed?

I think I'm gonna go with hot ass.

Do you want to hear another one?

Those glutes are giv-

(Joanne): What the fuck is Bobs and vagine?

I think I know what's going on.

Yeah, I made inter-team dating forbidden,

and now everybody's hot for Coach.

But I can't have them being frisky

and then causing drama on the field. I...

(Sasha moaning)

I can use this to my advantage.

What's the best way to stop kids from smoking cigarettes?

You make them smoke the whole pack.

Ah, ew.

Perfect.

And these shoulder pads will complete the look.

Put them on.

(door opening)

Ah, Lee! There you are. I need a favor, buddy.

Okay.

You don't want to sleep with anyone on the team, do you?

- Well, I... - Good lad.

Okay, here's a plan. We're gonna turn

this entire place into a Greek bathhouse.

I need everyone to want to kiss each other

until they're gonna puke.

So they get it all out of their systems?

Yes. You're gonna turn everyone into stone-cold foxes.

- Ooh. - Yeesh!

You guys are looking like snacks.

Lee, I love the way that my eyebrow

is just making a diamond.

- Mm-hmm! - Yeah, fantastic work, Lee.

- Yeah. - But I think that this would

be the perfect opportunity to introduce you

to a little team building game I like to call Spin the Bottle.

Well, that, uh, a bit of a 180.

I like it, I like it, don't get me wrong.

- Mm-hmm. - What about those NFAs?

Oh, it's not a total 180, okay?

Maybe I was overreacting, maybe I'm reconsidering,

but, uh, this actually has nothing to do with that.

It has everything to do with team building.

Yes, of course, team building.

So, uh, anyone got a bottle?

Yep, I do, yep, I've got one, yep.

(locker opening) (whispering): Okay, so,

I think it is working. Joanne is like super horned up.

Now we really just gotta sell these kisses

so that she is wanting, like, ah, I want so much more!

The idea of kissing Joanne is like

really disgusting to me, but...

Duty calls.

(all cheering)

- Okay, let's go! - All right, Boris!

Magic...

(all cheering)

Oh!

- Oh, boy! All right! - Well, Joanne,

I hope you're ready for all of this, uh...

spaghettis. - Okay, yeah!

- Okay, here we go! - Bring it on!

Okay, here we go!

Uh, yeah, okay, yep!

Mmm! - Mmm!

Mmm!

- Mmm! - Mmm!

Mmm!

- Mmm! - Mmm!

(gasping)

(sighing)

Wasn't that the best kiss you ever had?

That was, um... Woo!

- Yeah! - Okay, uh,

let's keep the momentum up! - My turn!

- Uh, how old are you again? - 19.

Yeah, no, you're gonna sit this one out.

Okay, my turn.

(bottle spinning)

Oh! (all exclaiming)

Oh! Um...

I think that's probably closer to me, right?

Yeah, I think you're right. Okay?

No, no, no, that's definitely closer to Zari.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Okay. Great.

You remember like an hour ago

when I was complaining about feeling left out

of the seduce Joanne plan?

I wanna slap that girl.

Should we shake hands first?

(Boris): Just kiss. - Okay.

(others exclaiming)

Yeah! (Joanne laughing)

That's how you do it, folks! Okay, we're on a roll!

Just keep going! - I think it's my turn now.

Okay, let's go Annie!

Whoa!

I mean, you and me, everybody's been thinking it.

No.

This is fucked.

Somebody's gotta say it.

You have the right idea with the NFAs, Coach.

Yeah? You think so?

Listen,

my whole life, all I ever wanted was to play pro.

I finally get there, and this tight blonde

on first base asked me out. (chuckles)

Then it was an outfielder,

then it was pitcher, then it was second base.

I'm being torn to pieces by all these chicks fighting over me.

Shit.

I was stressed. Cortisol through the roof.

First playoff game of the season, tore my ACL.

Lost my contract, lost my apartment.

Now I'm $30,000 in debt living in a van,

shitting in a bucket, and showering at the YMCA.

And I wish I could say this was for the first time.

(sighing)

I once had sex with this farmer,

but we had to break up

because he was so in love with his horse.

I got a real weakness for line cooks.

You know, all that free food? Can't get enough of it.

I don't care how many felonies they have.

I've never had a girlfriend.

(Boris sighs) - This one time

when I was 14 and... really in love

with this lady that I met on the computer.

(approaching footsteps) Hi, Barb!

- Oh, hey! - Hey!

- Ready. - Check it out.

- Yeah. - What do you think?

What is going on?

Why do you look like sad stripper moms?

Oh, God! - Okay, let me put it this way.

Did your parents ever make you smoke a pack of cigarettes?

Okay, I was supposed to give everybody their makeovers.

But Boris stole Sasha away to go seduce Joanne.

Uh, because we had to get Joanne to burn the contract.

Because we should be able to have sex with each other

if we want to. - Do we want to?

- Well, no. Not now. - No, not after all those

sad stories about addiction and loneliness.

Blegh. Not sexy at all.

Booyah! Sports psychology.

See, I turned you guys from a bunch of horn dogs

into focused players!

That's called coaching.

From behind, in front,

and beyond the bench.

Now, guys, if we could just transfer

this kind of focus into the game,

I swear to you- - All right, all right,

you know what? That's enough. This is an embarrassment.

Everybody go put your filthy jerseys on

and I want you to wash your faces.

I said relatable, all right? I need the people to see

that I can slum it with you Joe Blows.

You were perfect before. God!

Barb, you...

You think that I'm perfect the way that I am?

You know, uh,

you should probably go and check your Instagram

because there's some pretty good comments on there.

Campaign? More like hottt pain in my chest for you.

I need CPR with my tongue.

It's pretty good, right?

Zari helped.

So, you guys were all just hitting on me for pretend?

(chuckling) (Ann): Yeah, sorry.

It's okay. I'm impressed, actually.

- Oh. - But, uh, even Sasha?

Oh yeah, Boris and I, we told her to be mean to you.

We thought you'd be into it.

- Kinda was. - Oh, my god.

(laughing)

And you know what? I think Sasha

really wanted to kiss you in the spin the bottle game.

Yeah.

Ugh. - Yeah?

This is doing nothing.

I need, I need like, something industrial.

I'll see you out there. - Yeah. Yeah.

(door opening)

(door closing)

Friends, all is fair in love and slo pitch.

Reminds me, I should... delete those photos.

(inhaling sharply)

Sasha liked it.

Make sense? My arms look good.

You want to see?

(spacey music)

I know what it is to work hard,

but I also know how important it is to play hard,

to connect with the people you're working for.

The people who really run this city,

the families, small business owners,

and of course, the LGBTQ+ community.

But also immigrants.

(stirring instrumental music)

Those without access to education.

At risk youth.

The lonely.

Yeah! (Barb): To those in need

of substance abuse programs.

Vote Barb Barberetti for City Councillor.

And together, let's build a city that works for all of us.

(whip snaps)

(music fades)

Well, at least she didn't tell everyone you shit in a bucket.

(romantic jazzy music)

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