Original subtitles

(Brovaries chatting) (Boris): New season.

(Zari): Hi! Let's go, Brovaries!

(Joanne): Hey, guys. So, listen up!

Welcome to the new season.

I am honoured to once again be leading this team as coach.

Coach Jo! (Brovaries hype up Joanne)

When Leanne and I formed the first queer,

mostly queer, sorry, Zari.

No. No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm straight.

Can't help it.

(Joanne): The only, mostly queer team

in the Mississauga slo-pitch league,

we imagined that we would be coaching together forever.

But Leanne- (Joanne chokes up)

One second. Just...

Are you going to spit it out or should I get another beer?

We broke up. She dumped me.

And she joined another team in the league.

What a surprise. (Brovaries feign shock)

When Ann told us about the breakup we were honestly-

Sad for Joanne but kind of happy for us,

because Leanne was-

A bitch. A musical theatre bitch.

(Leanne vocalizing, imitating snare drum)

? Take me out to the ?

(together): ? Ball game ?

? Take me out to the ? (together): ? Stands ?

(Boris, weakly): ? Buy me a cup of hope and a dream come true ?

? Brovaries who fight together will always pull through ?

Some of us studied. (Boris): I'm sorry.

I know Leanne was a huge part of this team,

but we don't need Leanne. (all): No.

(Joanne): I don't need Leanne. (all): No!

We can do this! (all): Yeah!

I know that we have finished in last place in the league

six years running. (cheering)

Losers! (Joanne): Hear me out.

What if this year was different?

Would you consider playing to win?

(ice cream truck jingle plays in background)

(Boris): Playing... (Zari): ...to win?

(Joanne): Yes.

(Boris): Maybe because you just got dumped, hate your job,

and are mostly unhappy in life,

we could give it the old college try.

(Joanne): Yeah? Awesome.

(Boris): For you, since your life sucks.

She's got a shit life, let's help her out.

We're already here!

(theme music)

(Boris): Get the drone connected.

(Lee): It's kind of used, but it should do the trick.

(Boris): Okay, the video feed is up, it's good.

(Zari): This is wrong. Spying is wrong!

Then you shouldn't have come, Zari!

It's only wrong if we get caught.

And we're not spying for sports purposes, anyway.

- Yeah. - We just want to see you-know-who.

So, Leanne, Joanne's ex, is now playing on the Tech-ass Rangers.

Today is the first day we're going to see her

since she broke up with the team. Joanne.

She broke up with Joanne.

Joanne and Leanne were together for 10 years

and Joanne would sit in my chair and she'd talk about Leanne

and by talk I mean, she'd cry. A lot.

(Boris gasps) - The narcissist is landing.

(Boris): There she is! Look at the car!

(Ann): Of course, she did. - Are you getting this?

Are you getting the car?

(Lee): What do you think's gonna happen when Joanne sees her?

Think they're going to fight? Or like, make out?

Or like, make out while fighting?

You think they'd fight in public?

Why do you have such a weird boner for people's relationship drama.

Yeah, you've got to stop that, Lee, it's weird.

(Ann): Oh, my God.

(Leanne): Hi! Justin!

Did you see my poster? Ah!

Oh, my God.

Look at my billboard! I'm so excited.

(all gasping) (Ann): Oh, my God, they just kissed.

(Sasha): Are they together?

Got to admit, he's pretty hot.

(Boris): Okay, let me see, let me see, I need a closer look.

Oh, shit. I can't tell with boys.

Their haircuts are so deceiving.

Zari, you tell us, you're straight.

Huddle up! (Zari): Oof.

Yes, that is a fine ass man.

Mm-hmm. Like, lowkey zaddy vibes.

Mm. Take me behind the-

(Zari coughs)

Somebody take this from me, please.

Okay. I'm going in with the drone.

Oh, yes. Take it up. We've got to see his facial hair up close.

(Lee muttering) Okay, yes, yes, yes. Oop.

Oh wow, yeah. Okay.

I think left is right and right is left.

- Okay, yeah, yeah. - Down is up and up is down. - Got you.

(Boris): They're going to see it, they're going to see it.

Go up. Up, up, up, up. They're going to see it! Incognito.

(drone clangs) (all): Oh, shit!

(mechanical hissing, electric shocks buzz)

Maybe they're just like gay friends, you know?

Maybe he's like a gay friend of hers-

(Zari): I don't think-

Hey, guys. Welcome to your sanctuary in the sky.

She clocks in at 298 sq ft of impeccable finishes

and capital C charm.

You can fit a full double bed conveniently

steps away from the intimate galley kitchen.

I mean, whoever said condo living was boring

has not seen this place.

I'm Leanne McBride. Buy with me!

(scoffs)

Still got it.

Ah, yeah.

I haven't seen her in a while but I'm seeing her on Sunday.

Playing her team.

I think she feels lonely.

She posted a video of herself yesterday

crying while listening to Coldplay. I felt bad for her.

Even though she ruined my life

and dumped me three months ago.

Oh, God, she just looks so good when she cries.

I've got to stop looking at her Instagram.

Stop me. (sighs)

Joanne, we've had a complaint.

- Okay, about who? - You,

it's... about your desk.

What about it?

This isn't Comic Con, Joanne.

This is an office, okay?

Only one small plant per desk.

Corporate's really cracking down.

They only approved this F balloon because... TGIF.

(chuckles)

Before I forget, I'm going to need you to come in on Sunday.

I... I have a really important game on Sunday.

Joanne, we're a family here.

Don't disappoint Mommy.

We'll see you Sunday.

(Joanne): Or? - We won't see you Monday.

I'll see you on Sunday.

No, no. I don't work Sundays.

(Ann): Okay. Focus up, this is what we know.

Tech-ass Rangers, they have 10 really good players.

What do we have? We have one ticking time bomb.

(Boris): Yes. - The ticking time bomb?

This is Joanne if she sees

Leanne's new mystery boyfriend.

So if Leanne starts kissing her mystery man on the field

and Joanne sees it, we get this, you know?

Bad. We want to avoid this, right?

- Yes. - So, we need a plan.

Well, we need some proof first. What do we got?

Okay. I have some Instagram intel.

No pictures of our man on Leanne's profile

but I combed through her likes and I found him.

Name: Roy Dabir.

He's got a private Instagram but his bio says,

"Tech Town CEO

I like coffee"

And then there's a period, and then it says, "Uncle."

Guys, this isn't right.

We're prying, looking into peoples' lives.

(Ann groans)

But I did find

two of Leanne's Pinterest boards entitled,

"Our new house" and, smoking gun, "Roy's man cave."

(Ann): Oh, my. - They're moving in together?

Well, what does that tell us, then. We need a secret plan

and Joanne cannot know, okay, Boris, you got that?

- Why me? - Joanne can't know what?

We saw Leanne! We were spying on the team with Lee's drone,

and then when the drone saw her it tried to commit suic...

it tried to... it killed itself.

I know. I know.

You guys think I'm going to lose my shit when I see her

and not wear pants for a month. - That was a dark April.

But honestly, I'm over it!

I'm actually more over it than she is.

Did you guys see the video with Coldplay that she posted?

(laughs) Pretty sure that was about me.

I mean, that could've been about anyone.

It almost seems like she wants to get back together with me.

(everyone mutters in hesitation)

(clears throat) - Ladies, gentlemen, theys.

Barbara! Nice to see you.

Oh, hello. Have we met?

Oh, okay. Yes. I get it.

I'm Barb Barberetti.

Yes, you are. And I am Boris.

Nice to meet you. - Yes.

- Stranger. - Yes.

Stranger, stranger.

(blows a raspberry)

That absolute smoke show of a lady is Barb Barberetti.

Couple of other things I think you should know about Barb.

Number one, she is the owner

of the Public Lass Bar and Grill, our team sponsor.

Yeah, you make one friend, you want a frickin' medal?

Number two, she's running for city council.

Let's build a city that works for all of us.

And number three...

I had sex with her in her car seven weeks ago

and it rocked but because she is married to a husband

and in love with Italian Jesus,

she sometimes likes to pretend

not to know me.

You know what they say about strangers, Ms. Barberetti?

No, I don't.

Well, they say that you should not be getting into cars with them.

Also, you should not be taking candy from them.

Like a baby.

- Thank you. - Yes.

Okay! First up.

Uh, what I would like to do is, I would like you to put up

some of my signs, can you go, Lee? God.

Yeah, sorry.

All around the dugout, whatever this is.

Is this a dugout? Mildew fest.

It's a field house. Yeah. (Barb): Sports house?

I'm supporting you, and so in turn I would like you

to support me.

(Ann stutters)

Uh, Barb, what did you ask them to put on the sign?

Hm?

(Brovaries gasp in astonishment)

(Barb): My God, these sign people!

They're like illiterate dumbasses,

they kept screwing it up, so I had to really spell it out for them.

God damn it.

(chuckling) Yeah, you can't have,

"Are you fucking deaf."

Because that community, the deaf community, they are powerful.

Joanne, where were you at the strategy meeting? Hello?

Oh, I was at work, I have a day job.

- Jack in the Box? - No.

Don't you work at Jack in the Box?

I have an office job.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Alright, well.

Do you think she works there?

- I don't- - I'm just saying,

I don't think it's a me thing. Anyway, listen.

The point is, if you had been there you would have known

that I have actually recruited an amazing new player

for the team. (Boris): Oh.

Yeah, their name is Mel, and they just spent the last year

in the pro leagues!

(Brovaries chatter excitedly) But, luckily for us,

there's been some kind of, I don't know,

falling on hard times situation and they live in a van.

Which is great. Because they have agreed to play

for The Brovaries!

Listen, I got some of these bumper stickers printed.

They're sort of fun. They got my slogan on it,

so if you guys could make sure you- - What's the slogan?

Barb drives the future. I want my supporters to be able

to recognize each other on the road.

You don't have to ask me twice!

(Barb): I got circle ones, too. I like both shapes

because I really don't see gender, you know?

Alright, good. I gotta go rip these sign people a new asshole.

So have a great practice and let's go, woo!

(Joanne): Wouldn't it be hilarious

if I ran into Leanne wearing this,

and then she thought that I, you know?

(Joanne laughs, Sasha giggles a little politely)

It'd be funny, right? Just like, "Hey."

Why don't we get out there I think-

(Brovaries speak up in agreement)

Does anyone have nails?

Yeah! Game day! Okay?

It's going to be like normal, guys, I'm just coaching you from Zoom.

(Zari): Where do you want it?

Uh... can we find somewhere where I can see the team?

The other team?

I just kind of think the sun is going to be in your eyes,

so you might be better over here.

(Leanne singing)

(Ann): God, I can't stop watching.

(Boris): It's like a fucking trainwreck.

- Why this as a stage, though? - Right?

? Over the place, I'm going to get you, Broadway- ?

Don't quit your day job. (Brovaries snicker)

(Lee): Who is that?

Hi. I'm Mel.

I'm the new player Barb hired.

I used to play pro, but now I'm here. Don't remind me.

This is rock-bottom.

(Brovaries clap)

(together): One, two, three, Brovaries!

(whimsical music)

(Joanne): Outfield, pick it up!

(Boris): Nice try, Annie!

(Joanne): Come on, Brovaries, I know you can do this!

Put it first!

(overlapping chatter)

Aw!

(groans in frustration) (groans in exertion)

(Joanne): Okay, team. Great effort

in the first couple innings.

I know the playing situation is less than ideal

but let's get an early win on the books and-

(Leanne): Hey, team! Miss me?

Oh, Joanne! You look so cute, all tiny there.

I thought you'd be here. It's not the same without you.

Aw, sad face.

Have a great game!

- You okay? - You look like you're going to throw up on the iPad.

(Joanne): I'm fine, I'm fine.

Go get them! (Boris and Ann): We're going to win.

(Lee): We got this, Jo.

Look, I don't want to sound insane,

but did you see the necklace she was wearing?

I bought her that necklace at Niagara-on-the-Lake.

And then we got in this huge fight at the ice winery

and she said she hated it, but if she hated it so much,

why is she wearing it today?

Today, of all days, when she knew she was going to see me.

Shit.

(laughs)

She's definitely still in love with me.

I've got to get to the field. How to get from office to field.

I look like an office schmoe.

And change to hot outfit.

It's been there all along, she's so obvious.

And also not get fired.

Okay, if I go down First, I can stop at, yes! Blouse Barn.

Enter the following data and organize in chronological order.

(computer dings)

Okay. Um. That's probably garbage.

Leanne, here I come!

Yeah! (laughs)

Hey. (Joanne): Oh, hey! Mel.

Sorry I'm in the car. Thank you, so much for jumping-

Hey, so, um. Barb was supposed to pay me

but she didn't show up. Could you e-Transfer me my game fee?

(Joanne): Game fee?

(Mel): Yeah, that's how Barb got me here from the pros.

Game fee. (Sasha): The what?

Game fee. This is what I'm saying.

This Mel or whatever, though very attractive, I will say,

they are paid to play with us.

Come on, it's not that big of a deal if Barb pays Mel

50 bucks a game- - 200.

- What? - $200 per game?

(Mel): Correct. - I say we quit. Okay?

Yeah, we walk away. Then nobody gets paid.

Or... what if I got paid $200? - Yes, to the second part.

Even if it's not 200, this is a labour issue.

We could unionize.

(Boris): Oh, like the milk farmers.

(Zari): If one player gets paid and the rest of us do the same work for free,

that's exploitation. That's how pay gaps grow

and the power imbalance becomes status quo.

Hey! Let's go!

Give us a minute, fancy man! We are unionizing.

(Zari): We're going to go Norma Rae on your ass!

- Who's that? - She was a... (Zari stammers)

An organizer- - Yeah, Norma Rae.

Ever heard of him? (car screeches to a stop)

(overlapping discussion)

Argh! Hey! Hey.

- Hey. - Hey. What's up?

Hey.

What?

What? Is it the blouse?

You're going to wish that it was the blouse.

(Zari): You really didn't have to do this.

(Joanne): No, it's fine, it's fine.

Let's just finish the game, yeah?

$200 for you, $200 for you.

Yeah. Grandma doesn't need a 100th birthday present.

She's had so many birthdays... (Boris): Yeah.

Who needs contacts? Right? Not me, I can use one.

(Sasha): Joanne, are you sure you-

We can't forfeit the game, not today, okay? Not in front of...

People.

(Zari): Alright, um.

Look, about- - Just play!

Yes! Love it. Union strong!

(? Raise a Little Hell ? by Trooper)

(Joanne): Alright, men at first and second.

Look alive!

? Raise a little hell, raise a little hell ?

? Raise a little hell ? - Go, Roy!

Yes! (overlapping chatter)

(Joanne): Let's see what you've got, Mel!

(Brovaries cheering) (music continues)

Come on, Boris! (grunts)

Come on, Boris. You drink too many beers?

(Joanne): Shut up, Leanne! (Ann): Fuck you, Leanne.

(Brovaries cheer)

You and Danny have to come to the engagement party, okay?

It's going to be crazy.

Sasha. Sasha!

That guy, that Roy guy, it's not the boyfriend, it's her fianc�.

Oh, fuck, that is bad. Um... Just don't do anything, Boris.

Boris! (Leanne and Roy chatting)

- Hey, Boris! - Don't you "Hey, Boris" me.

You go and you break up with Joanne and you say,

"Oh, I'm never going to get married to anyone because I'm an artist."

And then you go and you become a real estate agent?

- You've seen my commercials? - Everyone has, Leanne!

But then you go and you get engaged?

You have to tell Joanne! - I was going to.

You tell her right now. Or I am going to draw a dick

where your mouth is on that stupid car

that you sell your tiny, shitty little houses,

and you know what, Leanne? - What?

I'm really good at drawing dicks.

Might have never seen one, but I have excellent penmanship!

(Joanne): Uh, okay, guys, I know it's been a tough game.

A weird game. - Is that mustard on your shirt?

Ah! Who did that?

It was me, I had a hot dog.

The point is, we can do this.

Just when you, you think things won't work out,

and then, they do. - Usually they don't.

Yeah, sometimes it just is what it is, over.

Okay, guys, I get it, okay?

You think that this potential rekindling

is going to get in the way of the team again.

But it's not going to be like that this time, okay?

I've learned. And clearly Leanne showing up...

gorgeous is a gesture.

Joanne, I have to tell you something and it's not pretty.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. It's from Leanne.

Just give me a sec- - She has a boyfriend.

- And he is on the other team. - What?

(chuckles) She doesn't have a boyfriend, guys.

Ah, look. "We're going for drinks after

if you want to join me and my finance."

Finance?

- Finance? - What?

(Lee): Finance manager?

- Yes! - Yes! Could be.

Could be.

Wait, wait, there's bubbles, there's bubbles!

No, maybe don't, don't read-

"Sorry, autocorrect. My fian...

My fianc�."

Fianc�.

She's getting married.

Okay, um. I'm going to give this back to you.

Buy yourself something nice, yeah?

Yeah, I'm really sorry.

(Boris): Buy yourself something nice.

Yeah. Thanks. Yeah, thanks, guys.

Hey, listen up. There's nothing we can do about this,

but you know what we can do?

We can get out there and we can win!

(Brovaries): Yeah!

For you, Joanne, we're going to do it.

Alright! Let's do it, guys!

(Ann): Gloves in, and win on three.

(together): One, two, three, wi-

Well, we lost.

We lost and I lost my dignity,

probably my job,

but I got a blouse. So.

Way to go, Coach.

(Ann): Yeah, you did good out there.

They're coming this way. We have to do something.

What do we do? - I don't know,

I told her to tell Joanne, and she texts like a coward.

Hey, I just wanted to check in.

It's been a crazy few months, obviously

and I want us to be mature about me and Ray getting married.

Uh, Joanne! Baby. Um...

(Leanne): Okay... Wow.

I'll see you in the car, okay?

'Kay. (Leanne): That's nice.

Good. Good game.

Good... game.

Good game, guys! And, Boris, so nice to see you.

It is nice to see me.

(Ann): And, Leanne, just so you know,

Joanne has a lot of money now.

Because she was actually, she got a huge promotion.

CEO of the company. - That's right.

Just bought a helicopter. - Lessons.

She's taking helicopter lessons because she's so in love.

She and Sasha are happier than she ever was with you.

They're in a very mature relationship.

(Boris): Very mature.

Congratulations.

(Joanne): Leanne, you know, it's really nice to see you,

but, I mean, the Coldplay and the lingering looks,

it's like, really desperate, so...

You should probably let me go. - Hm-mmm.

We should go. (Boris): Yeah, you should go.

(Ann): Yeah, bye. - Nice meeting you!

- Bye-bye! Nice to see you. - Way to go, Coach.

(Joanne gasps, Brovaries congratulate her)

Guys, I don't know what came over me.

(Zari): Sasha came over you. - Thank you.

Thank you for making up all those...

...super plausible lies that made me look good.

I just... thanks. Thanks.

(Boris): Yeah, we got your back, Coach!

Hey, could we use some of your grandma's birthday present money

to buy some pizzas?

- Absolutely. - Nice.

(indistinct chatter)

So, Joanne.

Got the spreadsheets you sent to me over the weekend.

Apparently, you were only here for an hour and a half.

I can explain.

All I know is, Corporate was thrilled with the work.

Jessica B said it was the best spreadsheet she's ever seen.

Ron Kunkel concurred.

Best spreadsheet.

That's right.

Okay.

So, congratulations.

You've just been assigned eight more accounts.

It's a lot more work and no more money.

But the prestige? Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!

Keep this up and you might get bumped to an inner office.

- The private one? - Semi-private.

- With a window? - Ew, Joanne, no.

You're five years away from a window.

The point is, you're not fired.

- I was going to be- - The point is you're not.

- But I was going to be? - Not. Any. More.

- Okay. - Excellent job, Joanne.

You've got the formula for success.

Spreadsheet humour.

(chuckles) - Good one.

(phones ringing) (indistinct chatter)

I had some help.

(drops) Shit.

Chris, sorry-

? Let it rock let it roll ?

? Raise your hands and let go ?

? Let it out lose control ?

? Raise your hands and let go... ?

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