Original subtitles

[♪ Acoustic guitar playing]

[tab clicks]

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles" by The Refreshments playing]

♪

[♪ theme song concludes]

[♪ light violin music playing]

[glass door rattling]

- What in the world? - [button chiming]

[announcer] A Mega Lo Mart team member

will be with you shortly.

- [♪ light guitar music playing] - [Hank sighs]

[announcer] A Mega Lo Mart team member will be with you shortly.

- [sighs] - [worker] Can I help you?

[groaning]

I need toothpaste.

[keys jingling]

Uh, this one? Nope.

That one?

Nope, maybe...

You wanna try the one that says "toothpaste"?

- [lock clicking] - Huh.

Is all this really necessary?

If I wanted to steal toothpaste,

I'd just do it after you unlocked the glass for me.

Can we get security to escort an item to the register?

This is hell.

- [♪ Upbeat guitar music playing] - [dogs barking]

Hank, I am in love!

I love you too, Peggy, but keep your voice down.

- We're in public. - I am not talking about you, Hank.

I am talking about him.

- [Hank Hill] That's a dog? - Ah, I gather you've met Caesar Salad.

He's a two-year-old mixed breed.

- Isn't he cute, Hank? - He looks ill.

I assure you, he's perfectly healthy,

aside from the conditions listed on the card.

"Anxiety, depression, sun sensitivity."

"Afraid of potted plants"?

Would you be interested in fostering Caesar for a few weeks?

Just until we can find him a permanent owner?

Uh, I suppose that's one way of looking at it.

I come in, I teach him a few tricks, turn his life around,

and send him off into the brave new world.

This is what Peggy Hill was born to do.

What do you think, Hank?

"Hostile towards shadows"?

Dear God, there's a second card.

It's only temporary, honey, and I will do all the work,

and you will not have to lift a finger, Hank.

- Well... - Great! It's settled.

I'll draw up the paperwork.

In the meantime, here is a list of everything Caesar needs.

Probiotic dog food, stool softener, an orthopedic harness...

[worker] Alright, this one? Nope.

And that one? [Groaning]

Yeah, maybe it's the one that says "toothpaste."

[Hank groans]

♪

Now, I don't wanna get your hopes up,

but I think I nailed it with your birthday present.

I have been told I'm an excellent gift giver.

Aw. Is gift-giving your love language?

No. This is my love language.

Connie, mon amour. Ma chérie. A la mode.

[giggling]

Thanks for coming home with me this weekend.

I know things aren't the same with my folks since the divorce,

but I'm looking forward to having a family dinner like we used to.

Which I will be paying for.

- Oh, Bobby, you don't have to do that. - I insist.

Now that we're dating, it's important your parents know

I'm not the same person I was when I was 10.

I'm a man! I got my own business.

I make my own money.

I'm a man.

You said that already.

Well, men tend to repeat things.

♪

Connie, the birthday girl!

Bag man, carry Connie's bags to the door and then be gone!

She called me a man!

Sure thing, Mrs. S. And I hope you're excited

for Connie's big birthday dinner tomorrow, which is my treat.

Looks like your treat is pudding, fat boy.

And we're back to "boy."

Dad's stuff is all gone from the garage.

Did he move back in?

No, I did not! I left, with my dignity intact!

I kicked you out!

You were crying so loud, I could hear it through the garage!

I was reading a sad book called "our wedding album."

Hey, we agreed!

You stay on that side of the street!

I don't understand.

Dad, where do you live now?

- [Bill Dauterive] With me! - [Kahn sighing]

Yeah, we're just two single guys havin' a grand ol' time.

No wives, just vibes.

All are welcome... except wives.

Connie isn't setting foot in your little divorce shack!

Besides, according to the schedule, this is my time with her.

What schedule?

Your father and I have created a schedule for the weekend

so that we can both spend time with you

without having to spend time with each other.

So, the idea of us all being together while I'm here is...

Dead, like our marriage.

[♪ Guitar strumming softly]

I can't help but notice that there are now two birthday dinners,

which I will gladly be paying for.

Hey, just Connie's bags. You're not sleeping here.

Mom, Bobby's my boyfriend.

No, it's fine. I respect your rules, Mrs. S.

I respect you, you respect me.

[door slamming]

Ha ha ha, Bobby Hill!

♪

Mom, Dad, I'm home!

- [Caesar barking] - [Bobby yelling]

- [Peggy Hill] Do not look him in the eye. - I already am!

[Hank sighing]

- I'll get the swaddling blanket. - [Caesar growling]

Way to go, Bobby.

[Bobby Hill] You didn't even tell me you got a new dog.

We are just fostering him for a few weeks.

A few weeks is all it takes to change a life.

Watch this.

Caesar, sit.

[Caesar licking]

Boy, he's really going to town. [Chuckles]

I remember it took Lady Bird a long time to...

Oh, he's nothing like Lady Bird.

I'm not even convinced he's a dog.

It's like someone put a collar on a possum.

Aw, he's not so bad.

See? He likes me.

Oh, good. Hold him tight.

We need to give Caesar his pills, and his inhaler,

- and his insulin. - That's okay, boy.

I used to hate when they gave me medicine, too.

But if you keep still, you might get a toaster strudel.

[Caesar whimpering]

I think Caesar needs to use the bathroom.

He's leaking a bit. Hank, can you take him out?

Now? But the guys are in the alley.

They'll have a field day.

How 'bout you take him? You're the one fostering him.

I need to prepare his ointment so that I can express Caesar's anal glands.

- [glove snapping] - Unless you would rather do that.

♪

Boy, that dog's got some bladder on it.

Why is the dog wearing shoes, Hank?

They're, uh, booties for his sensitive pads.

Uh-huh. And the umbrella?

He's got solar dermatitis, so he can't be in direct sunlight.

Right. And what's the dog's name?

- Caesar Salad. - [friends laughing]

- Hank's dog is a vegetable! - [Boomhauer] Mm-hmm.

He's not a vegetable, and he's not my dog.

We're fostering it for a few weeks.

At this rate, maybe even a few days.

Ha, Hank Hill is holding an umbrella for a dog.

Your life is falling apart.

- Aren't you livin' with Bill? - No.

Bill's living with me, at Bill's house.

Kahn, you sound troubled.

- Tough day? - Yes.

I'm upset because Minh basically gets Connie the whole weekend.

- Stupid schedule. - [shushing]

There, there. Deep breaths, Kahn.

- [both inhale deeply] - Don't let Minh push your buttons.

- That's what she wants. - I know.

Now, how 'bout we go home, I make us some dinner,

- maybe draw a bath? - With extra bubbles?

Let's start with the normal amount of bubbles,

and... and then we'll go from there.

Oh, man, talkin' 'bout dang ol' strange bedfellows.

[shuddering]

Good news. I got us a second reservation

for the dinner with your dad.

It's at the best new restaurant in Arlen.

Get this, the chef is blind.

The presentation is awful, but the food is delicious.

Ugh, I kinda hate my parents right now.

My mom spent all day complaining about my dad,

and my dad keeps texting me bad "yo mama" jokes.

I just wanted to have a chill birthday.

Forget your parents. I'm gonna make sure

you have the best birthday ever.

Ooh, I like the sound of that.

What are you wearing?

Uh, boxers and a giant T-shirt.

Oh! I see.

Remember when we were kids and you used to sneak out

and climb through my window?

Maybe you could come over and give me an early birthday present.

That's really tempting, Connie.

But your mom seems pretty firm about me not sleeping over.

If she caught me sneakin' in, I doubt she'd be...

[knocking]

Never mind! That works!

[Caesar snoring]

Peggy, I think we need to have a conversation about this dog.

I agree. Oh, Hank, I think we should keep him.

What?!

I know Caesar's a bit high maintenance, but...

That's like sayin' military flyovers are just a bit patriotic.

But it has been so wonderful having a dog in the house.

I think we should take him back to the shelter.

Let's not have this conversation in front of the D-O-G.

For God's sakes, he doesn't understand English.

Besides, he can barely hear us. He's half deaf.

Caesar is an empath. He recognizes tone.

[Caesar snoring]

There you go.

- [barking] - What are you barking at?

I hid all the plants.

[Caesar growling]

[Bobby] Under here. [Chuckles]

Great, now you woke up Bobby.

Probably scared him, too.

Sorry, Bobby, Caesar just...

- Oh, my God. - [Bobby and Connie moaning]

- Bwah! - [barking]

Bwah!

- [Caesar barking] - Dad!

Connie and I were just... uh, wrestlin'.

What's going on? I heard a commotion...

Oh, good God in heaven!

- Hello, Connie. - Hi, Mrs. Hill.

Good to see you. How's college?

Alright, alright. No need to be weird about this.

Connie and I are both adults.

We're dating. It's perfectly natural.

Doing that with the door unlocked and the lights on?

There's nothing natural about that.

I can't believe you sold us out, dog.

I saw you humpin' a couch cushion earlier

and I kept my mouth shut.

[Caesar growling and barking]

Now, hold on a second.

Caesar, were you barking because a stranger snuck into our house?

- [panting] - Hey, alright.

I guess you're a pretty good guard dog, huh?

Will you hillbillies shut that dog up?

- Connie?! - Oh, no.

♪

[Caesar growling and barking]

- [Minh gasps] - [Hank] That's right, boy.

Bark at that crazy stranger!

- [Caesar growling] - Bobby Hill, put a shirt on and step away

- from my precious daughter! - Okay.

But let's all remember who's the real bad guy here.

- The dog. - The dog wasn't the one

engaging in amorous congress under my roof.

It can't, because it has an inverted penis.

What's all the fuss?

- [Caesar growling] - Oh, good, more people.

I caught your daughter

participating in fatherless behavior with Bobby Hill.

Bobby Hill, did you de-flower my daughter?

No, sir! We didn't even get to doin' anything.

We were just warming each other up.

- Stop. - That's enough.

- Ew! - Shut up, shut up!

Okay, I can see that tensions are a little high right now.

So, how about we all just get some sleep

and talk about this over dinner tomorrow,

which I'm paying for?

Bobby, we are not having dinner with you.

Come on, Connie. Let's go back home.

No! All you've done since I've been home

is complain about Dad and insult Bobby.

I don't wanna be around that.

♪

Hey, Connie, why don't you sleep over at my place, just for tonight?

Ha! You mean Bill's place?

We can hang out and celebrate your birthday.

Things are very mellow over there.

Super chill.

And Bobby can come too?

Of course. Because I support your relationship.

Yay! [Laughing]

The more, the merrier!

Hank and Peggy, you can come too, if you'd like.

Do not threaten us, Bill.

- I'm gonna go with Connie. - That's fine.

Why don't you take those sheets with ya?

Wow. Mr. Dauterive,

it looks... not depressing in here.

Oh, that's really kind of you to say. [Chuckles]

Connie, your father has really helped me care again.

Oh! Let me get you some fresh linens and towels.

- Thanks? - [Bill] And I'll get you

one of Lenore's old nightgowns.

[chuckles] If they fit me, they'll fit you.

Not so bad, huh?

And tomorrow, we'll have a nice breakfast.

And then, we can go shopping for birthday supplies.

Cake, balloons.

[yawning] Sounds great, Dad.

We should let the birthday girl get some shut-eye.

And thanks again for bein' so chill

with me and Connie spendin' the night together.

No problem.

[♪ Upbeat guitar music playing]

[birds chirping]

[announcer on TV] Bell's going to second on a beautiful...

See that, Caesar?

That's called a productive out.

- Where's the jewel safe? - [Caesar growling]

[barking and growling]

- Ow! - Good job, Caesar.

- [Caesar continues growling] - [Dale yelling]

- [Hank laughs, sighs] - Hey! Ow!

[Caesar whining]

- Ow. - Gotdangit, Dale.

What are you mad at me for?

Caesar just lost a tooth because of you.

Are you in pain, boy?

- [whimpering] - I think we better take Caesar to the vet.

I will get his car seat!

Hey, man, I'ma here to talk 'bout...

and see if you done heard the dang ol' good news.

Not now, Boomhauer. We'll finish Caesar's training later.

I'm fine, by the way.

- [Bobby yawning] - [Bill] Mornin'!

[chuckles] I made jiggly cakes.

[chuckles] Get 'em while they're jigglin'!

Sorry, there's no time. No time.

I gotta get a giant cake and party supplies

so Connie's wicked mother can see I gave her the best birthday ever.

Ugh! Minute one of my birthday,

and you're already trashing Mom.

Connie, I'm sorry...

that your mother's the devil.

Hey, Mr. Soup, why don't I go with you?

Just us men?

Dad, I think it would be great if you two went together,

since you're so much more chill about our relationship than mom is.

- Cool. - Oh, that's alright.

More cakes for me and the birthday girl.

Connie, I hope you like 'em extra jiggly.

I think you know she does.

- [Connie giggling] - [Kahn growling]

I'm glad we're gettin' to spend some quality time together,

man-to-man.

And not just any men. The two most important men

- in Connie's life. - Ugh.

And, hey, maybe if we get everything done in time,

we could get lunch or play nine holes of golf.

Ten, if ya nasty.

[engine revving]

[hazard lights clicking]

[Kahn crying]

What's wrong?

I hate you, Bobby Hill!

Oh.

I lost my marriage, I'm losing Connie,

I live with Bill, and you're dating my daughter again!

My life is shit! [Sobbing]

There, there. Can I do anything to help?

Open up the door and push me into traffic?

[groaning]

You're bein' such a good boy.

After this, we'll grill you up a nice tri-tip.

Looks like your dog will only be eatin' smoothies from now on.

He's hurt that bad? But how will he get his nutrients?

A growing dog needs all his protein.

This dog's done growin'.

Based on his cloudy eyes, loose skin, and general odor,

- I'd say he's about 10 years old. - [Caesar panting]

- What? - That's impossible.

The rescue shelter told us he was two.

Those rescue places always tell you their dogs are two.

That way, they don't scare you off.

It's like how I tell people "I chose to be a vet,"

instead of "I flunked out of med school."

This Vitamix blender is pretty pricey,

but it has a dog mode that can puree a tri-tip in 15 seconds.

Well, it doesn't matter. We're takin' the dog back.

What? But I thought you loved Caesar.

Well, you thought wrong.

I never wanted another dog, especially not this dog.

I just wanted some gotdang toothpaste.

I am so glad you do not have your hearing aids in right now.

♪

[Kahn So up ha no us in phone] There aren't enough roses on this cake!

- I asked for 100 roses! - I told you on the phone.

That's too many roses. They won't fit on the cake.

Well, how about if we see if this fits on your face?

- W-What? - Hey, hey, hey.

Mr. S, let's try to calm down.

I can't calm down! I haven't even gotten Connie a gift yet.

That's okay, we got plenty of time.

So, what were you thinkin' of gettin' her?

Uh... gift card?

Okay. A gift card to where?

[sobbing]

I don't know! I suck!

What did you get her?

Oh, well, I got her a nice, simple necklace

with her birthstone, citrine.

Thank God she wasn't born in April! [Laughing]

Or I'd have had to get her a diamond.

Oh, that's a great idea.

If I got Connie a diamond, it would make Minh look cheap.

[groaning] Can I give you some advice?

All Connie really wants is for you and Minh

to stop fighting, for one day.

No name calling, no mind games,

no asking Connie to hack into Minh's email

to see if she signed up for dating sites.

I didn't ask her to hack, I just asked her to snoop.

Maybe, just for Connie's birthday,

you could suck it up and be nice to Minh!

This is a new low.

I'm getting schooled by Bobby Hill.

♪

- [game playing on TV] - Where is Caesar?

I don't know. Probably somewhere having a panic attack

because he saw a squirrel.

Well, I just wanted to tell you, the rescue agency called,

and there's another family who's interested in adopting Caesar.

- They will be here by tomorrow. - Good.

[announcer on TV] Martinez, who came in...

- [Caesar growling] - Dang it, Caesar.

Whatever that is, you're probably allergic to it.

[growling]

- Huh. Where'd you find that, boy? - [Caesar panting]

Haven't seen it in years.

That used to belong to...

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[sighs] Wanna go for a walk?

[Caesar barking]

♪

Caesar, this is Lady Bird.

Lady Bird, Caesar.

Pretend he's named after César Cedeño,

the four-time Houston Astros all-star,

and not a salad.

Caesar brought you somethin'.

- [Caesar tapping, whining] - Okay, one second.

Alright, there ya go.

You can go play, boy.

[Caesar barking]

I wanted to introduce the two of you.

See, we just found out

that Caesar's only got a few years left in him.

It's not that I don't wanna take care of an old dog.

It's just, when we lost you, well... [sighs]

I'm not sure I'm ready to go through somethin' like that again.

I mean, no dog could replace you.

Peggy seems to like him though, and...

- [Caesar barking] - Well, he's startin' to grow on me too.

But it didn't feel right havin' him join the family

without talkin' to you first.

So, if you're okay with us keeping Caesar,

don't come back to life.

[birds chirping]

Well, it's settled then.

[chuckles] Hey, get this.

He bit Dale. [Laughing]

Dale was screamin' like... well, you know, like Dale.

And, well, now I'm just prattling on.

- [Caesar barking] - Excuse me.

Those aren't Jehovah's Witnesses, Caesar!

They're just men wearing suits!

Alright, here we go.

Dinner number one for the birthday girl.

- Who's excited? - You're being very sweet,

but I'm not looking forward to this.

Neither am I. Your dad was a mess today.

- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!

What are you both doing here?

I called your mother and invited her.

He didn't invite me. He begged me to come.

He also admitted he was a disappointment our entire marriage.

I...

[♪ gentle guitar music plays]

Yes. Those are the things I said.

Well, I'm glad.

Should we start with an appetizer or two?

After all, it's a special...

We already ordered. We got the whole menu.

You're treating, right?

Indeed.

Don't eat it all, Bobby Hill.

Save some for the rest of us.

[both laughing]

Oh, Connie, I got you a birthday present.

It's your stone of birth, orange rock.

[growling] It's called citrine.

Oh, Dad, this is so thoughtful. Thank you so much.

I'd do anything for my precious angel.

Actually, it's from your mother, too. We love you.

Bobby, what did you get for Connie?

Um, I got her, um, uh...

this song. [Clearing throat]

♪ Connie is my fire ♪

♪ My one desire ♪

♪ Believe when I say ♪

♪ That it's Connie's birthday ♪

♪ Connie's birthday, ain't nothin' but a birthday ♪

♪ I never wanna hear you say that it's not ♪

- [Connie giggles] - ♪ Connie's birthday ♪

♪ Because it's Connie's birthday ♪

- [diners] Oh! - [laughter and applause]

- Mwah! - [Connie giggles]

Happy birthday, baby.

That was the worst song I've ever heard.

Connie deserves better than a song-and-dance man.

She called me a man! I am back.

I know the birthstone was your idea.

What do you mean? That was 100% your dad.

Bobby, last week, you left your computer open to a search

that said, "November birthstone necklace. How much cost?"

Mm. [Kissing]

Thank you for everything.

[server] Here you are.

[laughing]

I ordered lobster and I don't even like it.

[continue laughing]

[♪ Bluegrass version of "Yahoos and Triangles" playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪ - ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ Song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps] - [crowd cheering]

♪

- [Dale] Hank's dog is a vegetable! - [Boomhauer] Mm-hmm.