Original subtitles

[Narrator] To tell you my story, the whole of it,

I need to tell you the story of my body.

This is not a story of triumph.

This is not a story about weight loss.

I don't have any powerful insight into what it takes to

overcome an unruly body and unruly appetites.

Mine is not a success story.

Mine is simply a true story.

Once upon a time, I thought I was the only one

with a story like mine.

Once upon a time I learned that I wasn't.

Be careful please. Watch your step on the stairs.

Please. Oh my goodness.

I should be done soon.

How many more do we have?

Hello? Hi.

Roxane take this please. Hey, how are you?

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Thank you.

Oh, this place could use more young families.

Well, there are no other families like yours,

that's for sure!

Thank you for this, but I'm not sure what you mean.

We're just glad to have people like you in the neighborhood.

Well, um, we're happy to be here,

and we look forward to getting to know the rest of our generous

new neighbors.

I'm Michael. This is my wife, Nicole.

I'm Phillip, this is my wife, Tara.

And our son, Christopher.

Hey, Christopher.

Great. Good to meet you. This looks wonderful.

Quite the welcome. We may never leave.

[Phillip] So, what is it that you do?

[Michael] Me? I'm a civil engineer.

I build tunnels, bridges, infrastructures,

that sort of thing.

[Phillip] Someone building a tunnel around here.

Oh. So where did you move into town from?

Chicago.

This any good?

It's great. And I... I'd like it back, please.

What'd you give me for it?

I don't know. What do you want?

I'll have to think about that. But in the meantime, nerd

do you do anything but read?

Sometimes.

I'll keep that in mind.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Roxane.

Happy birthday to you.

12 years old, Miss America.

You're practically a teenager.

Is that for me? What is it?

From your father and I.

Can I get a gift too?

You wish. Today's my birthday.

I don't even want to give you idiots a piece of cake.

Roxane! Language! In this household, we share.

For you to write all the amazing stories you have to tell.

To get you started.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm... I'm Mickey.

I live across the street.

We go to school together.

I'm sure this is gonna sound weird,

but do you want to play Empires and Enemies?

What's that?

Only the best game ever!

I can show you if you want?

Roxane, your friends here. I'll be in the kitchen

if you need me.

Thank you, Mrs. Gay.

What are you nerds up to?

Hey, don't do that.

We're in the middle of a campaign.

What? Like running for office?

This looks dumb.

You would think that. It's nothing you would understand.

Whatever. I have a life.

Listen, Roxane. I want to show you something.

My parents are gone so we can have some real fun,

instead of whatever this is.

Maybe later.

Now or never. I don't wait.

If you want to hang out with this loser.

You don't want to hang out with me.

He's not a loser.

He's my friend.

Please, dude. Just leave.

Have your way. See you losers later.

I better go see what he wants.

I get it, he's popular and I'm me.

No, no, it's not that... I like you... It's just...

Go. We'll get back to world domination tomorrow.

I'll clean up here.

Thanks, Mickey.

[Narrator] I wish I understood then... or now,

why I followed Christopher that day.

He was a mean, small hearted boy,

but... he was handsome and popular.

He talked to me.

It wasn't much, but it was something.

At least that's what I thought in the before.

[Christopher] Glad you changed your mind.

You didn't have to be so rude.

It's not nice calling people names.

It's not nice calling people names.

How old are you? Six?

No. I'm 12.

Then act like it. If you can be cool for like,

one second. I want to show you something. My brother went away

to college. And he left me his Playboys.

What is that?

Jesus. Do you know anything?

It's a magazine. Lots of pictures.

Some great articles. My dad says.

I'm not allowed to be looking at something like that.

I bet you aren't either.

Thought you said you were 12.

I'm Catholic.

And I'm Protestant. What's that got to do with it?

I better get home. Thanks for having me over,

but I gotta go.

Hey. Hey, relax.

The human body is a beautiful thing.

Such a beautiful thing.

Come on. Don't look away.

These ladies are hot!

You'll never look like this. But...

You know what? Let's be boyfriend girlfriend.

What? You like me?

You don't act like it.

[Chis's Friend] Christopher. My man.

What's up my guy? Dude.

I swear. Hey!

Christopher! Hey!

Wait! Who the hell are you?

It's some kid from my neighborhood.

Said hi to her once, and I guess she's a stalker now.

Weren't you at Roxane's house the other day, Chris?

Christopher! My name is Christopher.

Fine. Weren't you at Roxane's house the other day,

Christopher?

Are you still afraid of the dark, Christopher?

Because when we were younger,

you spent the night at my house

and you needed a night light.

Pathetic.

I don't know why he's being like that.

Sometimes he's really nice.

Don't kid yourself. That guy's never nice.

You just gonna stand there?

What do you want?

Why do you ignore me at school earlier?

I thought we were boyfriend & girlfriend.

Duh! We are! I already told you that.

Do I have to, like, tell you every day or something.

What we have is special.

I want to keep it that way.

It's no one's business.

But you were mean. You let your friends laugh at me.

They probably think I'm such a loser.

That's just guy stuff.

And who cares what they think?

I don't even like those guys.

I'm the one that should be upset.

You? Why? I didn't do anything.

That loser Mickey, he should mind his own business.

He was just standing up for me.

Something you should have done.

Let's just leave the past in the past.

Come join me, girlfriend.

I'm mad at you.

Come over here, Roxy, or go home.

My name's not Roxy.

But I'm calling you Roxy.

Foxy. Foxy. Roxy.

It's my special name for you.

I wish you wouldn't.

And I wish you would stop talking and come over here.

Or like I said, you can go home.

Stop. I've never.

I'm not. We can't get to second base.

Not yet.

We're not playing baseball.

I know, I know. We can hold hands for now.

Maybe later. When you know each other better,

we can do more. I want to do more.

But not yet. Not today.

If you don't love me and you can't handle being a woman,

Just go. Get out of here.

I've stuff to do.

Please don't be mad at me.

Why didn't you eat your dinner, Miss America.

I wasn't hungry. I don't have a fever.

I'll be the judge of that.

I wish we'd never moved to this stupid place.

You'll learn to like it here.

What is there to like?

I barely know anyone.

You have Mickey and Christopher.

They seem like nice friends.

I guess.

Am I wrong?

No. It's just some of the people here are different

from back home.

Different how?

I don't know. Never mind.

It. It doesn't matter.

Of course it matters.

Is everything okay at school?

Yes. Everything is fine.

This novel is set in the 1960s.

Ancient history.

Here in the future.

How would the story change?

Did any of you guys bother to do the reading?

Come on. Help me out here.

Yes?

Maybe all the characters won't be white or boys.

Yes. Finally, what would be different is possibility.

And who could take advantage of those possibilities.

What's something you want for yourself, Roxane?

I don't know. Nothing, I guess.

Nobody wants nothing.

Hey, I know you can do better.

Well, it might not be possible, but I'd love to be a writer like

Laura Ingalls Wilder or Edith Wharton.

Might even be able to buy my books at.

Waldenbooks and B Dalton.

Okay, that's enough heathens.

And, Roxane. I bet we will.

Why are we stopping?

I have a surprise for you.

What is it?

I can't tell you that. It'll ruin the surprise.

Okay.

This way. Let's go.

Are we allowed to be here?

Yes we are.

How far are we going?

You'll see.

What are we doing here?

What is that? It looks like a haunted house.

Come on. It's just an old shack.

You'll see.

Why is there music playing?

You ask a lot of questions.

Hey, what took you guys so long? Come on.

Ask her.

Roxy.

Yo, yo.

Here take this. Huh? Cheers.

Yeah.

Want one Roxy?

No, no. I have to go home now.

Where do you think you're going?

We just got here.

We're just gonna hang out, have a little fun.

Foxy. Foxy. Roxy. Shh-Shh-Shh-Hey.

Hey. Easy. Easy.

[Christopher] Hold her down.

[Roxane] What are you doing?

[Christopher] Grab her arm. [Roxane] What are you doing?

[Roxane] Christopher, stop! Please! Get off!

[Roxane] Please! No!

[Narrator] Those boys killed me,

but somehow my body survived.

What you need to know

is that my life split in two.

Cleaved not so neatly.

There is the before.

There is the after.

Before I was raped,

and after I was raped.

Roxane! Where have you been?

You're supposed to be home by dark.

I know. I'm sorry.

You're a mess. What have you been up to?

Wash your hands. I left your dinner on the table.

I can't. I fell on some dirt.

I need to go take a shower.

Roxane, stop when I'm speaking to you please.

What's going on?

Nothing, I just.

I hate it here. That's all.

Miss America, are you okay in there?

I'm fine.

Do you want me to come in?

I know how to take a shower.

I know that, sweetheart, but I want to check on you.

I'll be out in a minute.

Can I have some privacy?

Oh my God.

Easy pal. It's just me.

I got this from the janitor.

Christopher and his friends are the worst.

They belong at the bottom of a dungeon or something.

But a horrible one.

Not a cool one. What did you tell your

parents? Did they call the cops?

Cops? What? What are you talking about?

No way. I haven't told them anything.

You can't tell them.

They would kill me. They would hate me.

Are you sure? I don't know much about this kind of stuff,

But there's no way that would happen.

No, I'm never telling them.

Ever. I'm never telling anyone.

Too many people know already.

Mickey, you have to swear you won't say anything.

I don't know that I should help you keep this secret.

My mom is a therapist, you know.

She always tells me that something shouldn't

be kept secret.

No one would believe me.

You see what they think?

If you're really my friend, you won't say anything.

Please don't.

I really am your friend.

[Christopher] That's why you got MVP.

Come on, let's get out of here before we catch something

contagious from those losers.

They're right. I'm a slut.

Disgusting! Weak.

Stupid. I'm so stupid.

Roxane. What's going on in here?

Nothing. Getting ready for bed.

You know you can tell your father and I anything.

Yeah, I know.

Did you just. "Yeah, I know" me.

Are you becoming a teenager?

I don't know what I'm becoming.

I'm really tired.

I'm gonna go to sleep.

Again with this tired thing.

Are you sure you're okay?

I already told you I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Okay.

[Narrator] I should have told my parents right then and there.

Maybe they would have believed me.

Maybe they would tell me everything was going to be okay.

But I didn't yet know that rape wasn't sex.

I did know I had sinned.

What happened was somehow my fault.

And so I nearly drowned in shame.

[Narrator] My body was broken, I was broken,

and I had no idea how

to start putting myself back together again.

And so, I ran away, in the only way I knew how.

I went to boarding school.

Okay. Excellent discussion today,

everyone. Now, I want you to further consider how phoniness,

As Holden referred to it, does and does not apply to you

in today's world.

Roxane. Can we talk for a minute?

Did I do something wrong?

I should get to my next class.

You didn't do anything.

And that's what concerns me.

Why don't you participate in my class?

I can see you taking notes.

I guess I don't have anything to say.

I find that pretty hard to believe.

Everyone has something to say.

I'm not everyone.

I'm sorry, Mr. McCaffrey.

I have to go.

Where do you think you're going?

You just got here.

We're just gonna hang out... and have a little fun.

Foxy. Foxy. Roxy.

Eudora Welty once said, that place is her source of

knowledge, that everything happens somewhere.

So where she sets her stories, teaches her things.

So what are we learning about the somewhere

in The Optimist Daughter?

Jensen?

We know that Laurel Hand is southern.

Okay, you can do a lot better.

Come on, give me more. Southern.

What does it mean?

Sometimes you realize that everything you are is shaped by

where you're from.

Yes.

What else? Roxane.

And still, sometimes you have to leave home to become who you're

meant to be.

Oh, now we're talking.

Okay. What else? Who else wants to think

about place in this novel.

This novel only works because of place.

I love it. Tell me why.

Because Laurel wouldn't have the obstacles in the beginning.

Exactly. All right, let's keep this going.

Who else?

Hey, Roxane. Wait up.

Why are you in such a hurry?

I have a lot of studying to do, and I don't talk to strangers.

We're not strangers.

We're in the same English class.

I was thinking maybe we could study together sometime.

Why? You don't even know me.

You need me to write your paper or something?

Uh, I can write my own paper.

Thanks. Maybe I just want to get to know you more.

You're usually so quiet in class.

Then today, boom!

Suddenly you had so many interesting things to say.

Oh, sorry. I'm not interested.

No time for friends or whatever you're looking for.

Okay. I'll see you in class. Roxy.

Don't ever call me that again!

If you can't say my name, don't say anything to me at all.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean anything by it.

No nicknames. Got it.

Roxane. Phone call.

Could you just tell them I'm in the library?

I'm not a message service.

Tell them yourself.

Hello?

Hello, Miss America, it's your mother.

Mom. Hi.

Have you forgotten us already?

We miss you.

I haven't forgotten anyone.

I've just been busy.

They assign a lot of work here.

There's never so much work where you forget your family.

How are you? Have you made any friends?

Who's your favorite teacher? Tell me everything.

Everything's fine.

I don't have much to report.

Sorry, mom, I gotta go.

[Narrator] When I started gaining weight,

I wanted to forget.

I wanted to be big and strong and safe from terrible things

done by terrible boys.

The longer I kept my secret, the more wedded I became to it.

The more I nurtured it, the more I made it a part of me.

I'll see you guys later.

Every time I see you, you're alone.

Why is that?

I prefer being alone.

Some people aren't that great.

That's not true. There are some pretty great people.

Name one.

I guess you got me there.

But still, I don't think anybody likes to be alone.

And you must not know a lot of people.

You're quite the porcupine.

Excuse me.

Very prickly.

Fine. No one messes with the porcupine.

I suppose you're right. You know,

I can be prickly, too.

Maybe we could be porcupines together.

No, thanks.

Okay. Have a good lunch, Roxane.

Smells good. What are we cooking here?

Roxane, what happened to you?

What are you talking about? I'm just standing here.

You're. You've gained some weight.

No I haven't.

Your clothes barely fit.

Why didn't you say anything?

Why did we have to find out like this.

Find out what?

That you're having a problem with food?

I'm not.

Something's going on.

Could you just talk about this later?

I just got home, and it's like you don't even

want me here.

That's not true. It's not true.

Then why are you in my case?

Have you ever heard of freshman 15?

This seems like more than that.

You're supposed to love me.

We do. That's why we're concerned.

I'm done talking about this.

I'm just done.

Roxane.

Maybe it was a mistake sending her away.

She's so young.

She was the one who wanted to go.

Although I don't know why.

Grades are excellent like always.

Maybe we're overreacting.

We are not overreacting.

No we aren't.

She's a child. Maybe she didn't understand what boarding school

would be like. Maybe we didn't either.

How much weight do you think she's gained?

I don't even know. 30 pounds at least.

Maybe more. Did you see her face?

That's not our child. I mean, we got to do something before

this gets out of control.

Well, Roxane. I'm going to be straight with you.

This diet is both difficult and easy.

You won't be able to eat all the foods you're

normally used to eating.

That's not difficult.

That's impossible.

It's not impossible.

I assure you, you'll be drinking five delicious milkshakes or

broths each day.

Broth. That's a disgusting word.

Roxane, please, just give it a chance.

Like we talked about.

The broths are delicious, I assure you.

Please stop saying the word broth.

Have it your way. You will be drinking liquids

five times a day.

That sounds so gross.

I can't have any food at all?

No salad or anything.

The temptation to eat more is too great when people start with

foods that they think are healthy.

I don't even want to be here.

I can understand why you might think that at your age,

this diet is not going to be a lot of fun.

But it works. And by the end of summer,

you'll be back to a normal size.

You'll be much happier, I promise.

Ladies. Welcome back.

What did we all get up to this summer? Roxane,

you look quite different.

Not really.

Not really? You lost, like, a whole person.

How'd you do it? Did you get your jaw wired shut?

Well sort of. I did this liquid diet.

I've never heard of that.

Was it totally grody?

Yeah, it was totally grody.

But it works, I guess.

♪ Music Plays

♪ Music Plays

Hey Roxane. How's it going?

Can I help you?

I haven't seen you in a while. I just wanted to say hi.

Why?

Why not?

Trust me, I'm not worth knowing.

That's a weird thing to say.

Or it's the truth.

You know, I'm still not convinced.

Was that a smile?

No.

I think it was. Am I pushing my luck to ask for a dance?

Maybe.

Come on. I won't step on your toes, I promise.

♪ Music Plays

♪ Music Plays

♪ Music Plays

Let's see if I can do this without stepping on your feet.

Ambitious!

See, it's not so bad.

Foxy. Foxy. Roxy.

Hey, easy. Easy, easy.

Sorry. Did I do something wrong?

I can't do this. I'm so sorry.

I don't dance with boys.

Wait. Roxane. Roxane?

Are you okay? Did you have too much to drink or something?

No, no, I. I don't drink.

I just. I can't do this.

I have to go. I'm not feeling very well.

You're a very talented writer, Roxane.

I hope you know that.

I don't know, I... I just love writing.

It's my favorite thing, really.

Yeah. It shows. But I have to tell you that I'm a little

concerned. See, you write about a very specific

type of violence.

So?

I write the stories, I imagine.

But if I'm doing something wrong, I could write other

stories. I imagine a lot of things.

No, no. You can write whatever you want.

I'm more concerned with where you may have learned about these

experiences. I was wondering if you would come with me to

the counseling center.

I don't know. Do I have to?

No. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to.

But just in case, I did take the liberty of

looking at your schedule.

And I booked an appointment with a counselor here. Jana starts in

a half hour. No time like the present, right?

It's very nice to meet you, Roxane.

I'm only here because Mr. McCaffrey asked.

You like Mr. McCaffrey?

Does anyone like teachers?

Do you always answer a question with a question?

You made a statement, and I responded with an answer.

But yeah, he's my favorite teacher.

Why...?

I don't know. He talks to me about my writing.

He takes my writing seriously.

Do you take your writing seriously?

Writing is the only thing I've ever wanted to do.

It's the one thing I'm good at.

You're young to have such certainty about what you want

for yourself.

I'm not young, or.

I guess I was once and then.

I wasn't. I feel old.

You're what? 14.

15. How have you lived a lot?

I get it. You know, I have read one of your stories.

You have?

Mr. McCaffrey shared it.

I'm curious. Where did you get the idea from?

It's just a story.

I make things up.

This seemed pretty real.

I'm not gonna force you to talk about anything.

But I'm also not going to pretend you're telling

the whole truth.

Nothing but the truth.

You're very good at deflection.

I don't know what that is.

It's when you dance around the truth to avoid it.

For some reason, I imagine is very important to you.

Should I go then?

Of course not. I think there's more to your story and to you.

This book might help.

That's a thin envelope. Thin envelopes are rejections.

You don't know that.

Everybody knows that.

I'm not getting it anywhere.

Oh, we won't know until you open the letter.

But you should do the honors.

It's okay, Miss America.

You applied to so many schools, you're gonna

get into most of them.

This little setback. It doesn't even matter.

It's all gonna work out.

Don't let this distract you or defeat you.

I got in.

What?

I got in.

I was accepted. Whatever.

Whatever? You don't whatever getting into Yale.

I don't want to go there.

I don't even know if I want to go to college. I want to move to.

New York City. I want to be a writer.

How are you gonna pay for New York City

without a college degree?

My writing.

It's a gift to be so young, and know so little.

I'm old enough to know I don't want to go to Yale.

Of course you do. And of course,

you need a college education to be a writer.

You're going to college.

I know, I know I'm going to college.

You've made that very clear that I don't have any choices.

Everyone makes that clear. Trust me.

Where is this coming from?

This is an incredible achievement.

And despite your attitude, we are so proud of you.

We are incredibly proud of you.

You have your whole future ahead of you.

I don't care about my future.

What's gotten into you?

Nothing. It doesn't matter.

Yay me, I guess! I'm going to my room until dinner.

Fine. Take your bad attitude to your room.

But we're definitely celebrating this later.

Celebrating this for who?

You or me?

Roxane, enough.

You don't get to talk to us like that.

We worked hard, and you worked hard,

and it paid off. That's worthy of a celebration.

Now, when you come back.

Act like it.

[Narrator] I lost weight, I gained weight,

I lost weight, I gained weight.

My parents kept trying to solve the problem of my body,

and I did my best to sabotage their solutions.

So cute. Hey you must be Roxane.

We were just out getting some things for the room.

We are going to decorate because we are dealing with dungeon

chic, And it will not stand.

I was wondering where they were hiding the manacles.

Ooh, manacles. That is such a good word.

Let me guess. English, major?

I wish! Pre-med.

My parents insisted I majored in something useful.

But we have very different ideas about utility.

Trust me, both my parents are doctors, and they basically

suck, so.

We were actually gonna head down to the dining hall after we drop

this stuff off. Do you want to join us?

Are you sure? I don't want to be a fifth wheel.

You're our roommate. And technically,

there's three of us.

So you would be a third wheel.

And together, we will be a tricycle.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, great. Let's go.

Come on.

Welcome to calculus two.

We're going to start with Section 6.1.

My Calc class, might as well have been Latin three.

I had no idea what my professor was talking about.

And ignorance was absolutely bliss.

Well, Calc is so overrated.

We're literally never gonna use it.

Okay, but you think everything is overrated.

Because it is.

Well, anyways, I have to go.

I'm meeting Tiago in his room, and we only have an hour or two

alone, so I don't want to waste a single second.

What are you guys, ten?

No, eleven!

Right. Well, I'll see you virgins later.

Um. Actually, I have to get going,

too. Yeah, study group Econ.

But I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Okay. Um.

Alright.

Oh, I forgot this.

I. Wait. Roxane, we just had dinner.

What's wrong? Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Okay, well, I'll catch up with you later.

Yeah.

Hello?

Can I talk to you both?

Okay. We're both here.

[Roxane] Um.

Are you okay?

School...

[Michael] What about it?

I need some time off.

[Roxane] Like a year. High school has been so intense,

and so is college.

I need a break. I really do.

Absolutely not.

I need this.

[Nicole] Why?

What aren't you telling us?

[Roxane] Nothing.

It's just a lot of pressure,

okay? I just want to take some time and live in the real world.

Maybe get a job.

College is the real world.

And you have one job. Go to school and get good grades.

You can take time off after graduation.

And not a moment sooner.

[Narrator] I wasn't much of a risk taker,

but I was miserable in school.

The internet was brand new back then,

and we typed into the void and then somehow,

magically, someone from the void typed back.

We've been talking for 4 or 5 months now.

You keep acting like you don't have any choices.

You don't have to stay in college if you don't want to.

But I don't have any money.

I have nowhere to go.

That's not necessarily true.

I'm here.

You live in Arizona, that's like a million miles away.

Mm. Let me fly you out here.

You would hate me if you saw me.

You sent me your picture.

You're adorable.

My face, maybe, but the rest of me.

I'm fat. I'm just fat.

And that doesn't make you ugly.

It just makes you fat.

Look, we can hang out.

It'll be fine.

Dirty old man.

Yeah, a dirty old man who wants to send you a plane ticket and

give you a place to stay and show you a good time.

Think about it.

[Narrator] For the first time in my life,

I made a decision for myself.

I didn't care about permission or being a good student or being

a good daughter. I started saying yes to

everything because I had

already learned that my "no" didn't matter.

We meet at long last.

I can't believe I'm here.

Me neither. I've never met anyone from the internet before

in real life.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

So can I take those?

Yeah.

Yeah. How was the flight?

Um, I've had better flights.

It's not even worth talking about.

What do you mean?

It doesn't matter.

Of course it matters if it's got you this upset.

It's embarrassing. And my own fault too.

Okay. It can't be any more embarrassing than some of the

stuff I told you, right?

I had to sit next to a guy who was really angry that my thighs

touched his seat. He was so loud about it,

too. And everyone stared and no one said anything.

Even the flight attendants was humiliating.

Hey.

It's only humiliating if you think there's a problem with

going from point A to point B in that body of yours,

which I happen to like.

You're just saying that to be nice.

You just met me.

There's so much wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Nothing. And I don't just say things.

I'm not that nice. I am honest, though.

To hell with that guy.

He's a jerk. Let me tell you exactly what I think of him.

But I don't want to scandalize you with my language.

You can scandalize me, I guess.

I can handle it.

Alright.

Hey. You don't have to be nervous.

I'm not nervous.

I don't bite, much.

What if I do want you to bite?

Now, there's the girl I met online.

I'm better behind a keyboard.

I have an idea.

You are a delectable thing.

Far from it.

The delectation is shy.

I like shy.

You do? Why is that?

There is always so much raging beneath the placid surface.

Placid. Great word.

Hello. Shaughnessy residence.

Who's calling?

[Michael] Roxane, are you there? Hello?

Is anyone there?

Dad. How did you get this number?

[Michael] Roxane! Where are you?

You disappeared. We thought you were dead.

[Michael] It's been months. What about your school? Roxane.

Don't you even think about

hanging up the phone?

I'm here. I don't know what to say.

I told you I needed time off.

I begged you.

[Michael] You take time off from a job, not from your education.

You're not even listening.

That's why I didn't tell you anything.

What's going on? I mean, this is more than taking time off.

I think I'm gay.

[Roxane] or bisexual maybe... I'm something.

I knew it. When you were 11.

You said you wanted to wear denim at your wedding.

I knew then.

Mom! What? I love wearing jeans,

but denim doesn't make people gay.

[Nicole] Okay, this is besides the point. You're 19.

You don't know anything.

This whole gay, bisexual business. No matter

what, we will always be your family.

You can't run away from that.

Maybe it's time to go back to school.

Back to your real life.

You've been here for months, and I don't think you really

feel like you're at home.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

If you want me to leave, I'm sure

I'm not trying to get rid of you.

Like I said, I'm trying to be your friend.

We both know you're not supposed to be here.

If I'm not supposed to be here, I have no

idea where it should be.

It's not everyone that gets to go to Yale University, you know?

I have no desire to go back there.

That may be. But you don't want to be here either.

You got a way bigger story to live than the one you're living

here. I know that, even if you don't.

[Narrator] I was lost, and so I found my way home.

And I tried to figure out how to live in my body and feel safe in

my body. I finished college, I got a master's degree in

creative writing at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.

I kept gaining more and more weight,

and honestly, I didn't care.

The people around me did.

Oh, I got it.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bits and pieces.

Oh. A guilty pleasure.

I wasn't allowed to have those when I was a kid,

so I've never actually tried them.

You've never had bits and pieces.

You have been deprived.

You need to try it.

Ah. Do I? Hmm.

Let me do you one better.

Are you doing anything tonight?

Um. Well, this was my exciting plans for the evening.

Have dinner with me.

Breakfast for dinner?

Exactly. I promise I'm not a serial killer.

That never crossed my mind.

Mhm. Okay.

Mhm. Okay. Mhm. Mhm.

Did I mislead you.

I was skeptical. But you spoke the truth.

Mm. Truly the dinner of kings...

Or queens.

Indeed.

Oh I want to know things about you.

Like what.

Mm. What's with the tattoos?

I was, um. I was born with them.

And you're funny.

Um. But. No. Uh, partly.

I started getting them when I was 19.

Mhm.

Cause they're cool.

Mm.

And they were a good career decision.

Mhm.

And what else.

Um. I don't know.

Come on. Tell me your secrets.

Um. Let's just say when I was much younger,

uh, choice that I wanted to make about my body was taken from me.

Years later, I got my first tattoo,

and then another and another.

And each time, I had to make a choice about my

body that no one can take from me.

Wow. It's the best reason I've ever heard for getting a tattoo.

It's just the truth.

Tell me some more truths.

You work at the university, right?

I do. Mhm. I do, um, but it's just a job.

Guess what I really want to do is I want to write.

Mm. I'm terrible at writing.

I've heard that before. But you clearly are good at something.

What do you do?

I'm a professor at the university.

Chemistry.

So we are colleagues?

In a manner of speaking. Mhm.

And you are an expert in chemistry?

In a manner of speaking.

I can make that the first chapter.

I didn't notice you get up this morning.

You've been up all night.

Something like that.

What are you writing about?

Um. Girl meets girl.

The usual.

No, really? I want to know.

Honestly, uh, I don't really know yet.

But what about you?

What's on your agenda besides work?

Um, I'm gonna hit the campus gym.

Okay. You have fun with that?

Oh. I don't know why you never want to go with me.

It's free for staff and faculty.

Mhm. I abhor exercise.

Clearly. Oh. Sorry, babe.

I was just being honest.

What's with the silent treatment?

Don't play dumb.

You know why?

What did I do?

Melanie, you embarrassed me in front of the waiter when I tried

to order a hamburger.

And then when I tried to grab your hand,

you acted as if I was repulsive.

You know I hate p.d.a.

And should you really be eating French fries?

Okay. And should you really be monitoring what I eat?

I wish I didn't have to.

I wasn't trying to embarrass you.

I was trying to help.

Did I ask for your help?

No. But maybe you need it.

I'm fine. Thanks.

No you're not. Or maybe I'm not.

What do you mean?

Don't get mad. But I can't care about your weight more than you

do. I care about you.

I do. But it's hard to take you anywhere.

And you don't exactly look the part of a professor's partner.

I'm like, I can't take you to work functions.

I get it. So you

are ashamed of me.

Look, I am going places, and you need to be someone.

I can go places with right now.

Well, no offense, but you aren't.

It takes some time.

Work on yourself.

Lose some weight.

And maybe we can revisit the question of us.

Is it? Revisit the question of us.

And what if I'm no longer single during that point?

I've made myself clear.

Right.

Your friend, Melanie, isn't joining us for dinner tonight.

Girlfriend? She was my girlfriend.

Was?

Did something happened?

She broke up with me.

For now, she wants me to work on myself.

Is this about your weight?

Right. Of course.

Because nobody would love me at this weight.

That's not what I said.

But we do live in a world where looks matter.

Look, I am. I am more than my body.

You don't believe that.

I want to.

People cannot get to know everything great about you if

they cannot see past your body.

That is really unfair.

Because this is who I am.

There are things you can do.

Eat less, move more.

Everything in moderation.

Already tried that in a hundred ways.

Perhaps it's time to try something more rigorous.

[Narrator] My 20s and most of my 30s

were some of the most miserable years of my life.

When Melanie dumped me, it was a blessing in disguise.

I was accepted into a PhD program to study in a field I

had never heard of.

Remind me why we decided to go to grad school.

Ah. Fame and fortune.

Obviously.

Hey, there. So sorry to interrupt.

Uh, I don't think my friend is interested.

I'm not talking to her.

I'm talking to you. I know how this looks.

Strange man. Disturbing your peace.

But, uh, you know me.

I doubt it. I'm not from here, so.

Actually you do.

Um, you play poker at the casino?

I play poker at the casino.

Not well, as you may recall.

Go on.

Do not encourage him.

No, no, no, please encourage me.

I didn't catch your name.

We didn't offer them.

I'm Dana. She's Roxane.

Okay. You were a great friend, but you talk too much.

Um. I'm Gareth, and a good friend can be hard to find.

Flannery O'Connor said that, or something.

What?

Roxane. I might have started singing that.

Don't you dare. You might think you're the first,

but you're not.

You're not original.

And I will not be charmed.

All right, all right. I love The Police,

but I can serenade you with something else when we hang out

outside the casino where we've previously met.

Oh, you're the guy.

Huh? You're the guy that likes to play Rags and thinks that

he's Doyle Brunson.

So you do remember me?

Huh?

In my defense, that sometimes works.

Does it really, though?

Fair point.

Hmm. Okay, well, if you excuse me,

I have some papers to grade, and I also.

Have some homework to do.

You're a teacher and a student?

Something like that.

Oh, you go to the university?

Your power of deduction is as keen as your ability to

interrupt two women that were minding their own business.

Okay. Are you asking her out on a date?

Yes, Dana, I am.

I'm gay. I am very, very gay.

Or at least I am very gay-ish.

I can work with "ish".

He can work with "ish".

This weekend. Let's hang out, get a drink,

see what happens. I'm a nice guy.

There's no such thing as nice guys.

Challenge accepted.

Yeah. She's stubborn. Here's her number.

Dana!

I'm in your debt.

And Roxane, I will see you soon.

Ladies.

I like him.

I don't.

Such a liar.

Hi.

Hello. I gotta send Dana a thank-you card.

This is not a thing.

We are just hanging out.

I really like you, so I'm not gonna dignify that

with a response. I know writing is

sacred and all. Can I read what you're working on?

Please.

Okay, but if you hate it, please lie to me.

Okay. Wait. Don't.

But do.

I don't need to lie.

This is amazing. Truly.

Stop! You are just saying that.

I'm not. Actually.

You gotta let other people read that.

Thank you.

[Gareth] Babe.

Be out in a second.

[Gareth] Are you okay in there?

I'm fine.

Strange time for a shower.

What are you, the shower police?

Did I do something wrong?

No. No, of course not.

You do this a lot, you know?

Do what?

Shower after. Do you want to talk about it?

No, it's. It's nothing.

I just, um. Sometimes I like to feel clean.

A big girl can never be too careful.

You do that a lot, too, you know?

Gareth. What?

Insult yourself.

I have no idea why.

Oh my God, you know why.

Look, okay, you might not love your body,

but I do. Mhm.

How many times do I have to tell you?

You do not have to lie to me.

I know what I am and I know what I'm not.

How many times do I have to remind you that I'm not lying?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Babe, cheer up. This is supposed to be a celebration,

right? You're gonna be a doctor.

Yeah. Not the useful kind.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Please.

This chair, it's a tight fit.

Oh my God. You should have said something.

Well, it's my own fault.

Well, the Hell it is!

Gareth, I am begging you.

Please do not make a scene.

I would never.

Come on. Excuse me.

We get rid of that guy, please.

Sure. No problem.

Come on.

Better?

Yeah. Thank you.

Are you always in pain when we go out to eat?

Only when the chair has arms.

You should have said something sooner.

Well. It's embarrassing.

You're beautiful. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Do not lie to me.

Are you serious right now?

You're so Hell bent on being miserable,

you're gonna ruin things just to ruin them.

Time after time, you try to push me away.

Look at me. Look at me!

Hey, I'm still here.

Isn't that telling you something?

It tells me that you are a masochist.

Congratulations on passing your comps,

Roxane. Really! Congratulations on creating

a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Hi. Roxane Gay.

Thanks.

I see someone over there.

Excuse me.

I haven't seen you in forever.

More than a year, Doctor Ward.

Oh, far too long.

Doctor Gay. Tell me everything.

How's life? How's teaching?

Have you and Gareth finally gotten it together?

Oh, well, everything is fine, but,

um, Gareth and I ended things.

There was nothing there, so...

Okay. I saw how he looked at you.

That wasn't nothing.

And yet, here we are.

But enough of that.

Tell me about you. How's the job?

Overwhelming. Amazing.

You?

Um. I can't complain.

My agent has been submitting my book for almost a year.

It's a lot of very flattering rejections.

You know? The ones that make you think if it is that great,

why aren't you publishing the damn book?

Right. Yeah.

Guess this is what living the dream looks like.

Yeah. Whose dream?

Good question.

Thank you. Thanks.

I was just saying that.

You know, it's okay to be unhappy so long as you're

willing to do something about it.

Like, misery shouldn't be a permanent condition.

I'm willing to change, but looks like the universe

forgot the memo.

Are you sure about that?

[Narrator] In 2013, I sold a novel, An Untamed State,

and an essay collection, Bad Feminist,

which became a New York Times Bestseller.

While I didn't talk about what happened to me,

I wrote about it.

I read a profile of you and your book,

Bad Feminism in Time, earlier today.

Mm. Yeah. I did mention that I was publishing a book.

Like one you could find in Barnes and Noble.

I know, I know what happened to you.

It broke my heart. I wish I would have known.

Why didn't you tell us?

Why did we have to find out from a magazine?

I don't know. I, um.

I just didn't. I was 12.

I was scared. I

felt so humiliated and ashamed.

And I... I just didn't want to get in trouble.

I didn't want to make you hate me.

And I wanted to tell you before you could read about it.

I just couldn't find the right time.

Now is the right time.

Any time from when it happened, until now,

it would have been the right time.

I know, Dad, I think I know that now,

but back then, I just didn't.

And now. Now it is too late.

It's never too late, as far as I'm concerned.

There's nothing you can't tell your family.

I told you that more than 20 years ago.

I'll tell you the same thing now.

I don't think that's true.

Sometimes people just don't want to hear the truth.

We're not people.

We're your family.

You could have told us.

I knew something was wrong.

I always knew. I even asked a therapist for guidance.

You spoke with a therapist?

She did.

I did. My child was in trouble.

I would have spoken to anyone I thought could help us.

The therapist told me to consider that it could be

something like this.

We couldn't get you to open up.

But now we know why you gained the weight.

Yeah. Now you understand it.

Or if anything, you just get it.

I don't even understand myself sometimes.

Maybe. Maybe you should speak to a therapist.

You don't have to carry this secret alone anymore.

No, no. Why bother?

It's been so long. I have been there and done it.

It didn't work.

I think it's time to be there and do that again.

You can only run away from yourself for so long.

At this point, there's nowhere left to go.

What brings you here today?

Um. I'm tired. I am just so tired.

Tell me, what has you so tired?

Well, I haven't been in therapy in years.

Um, I guess I just need something.

Why were you in therapy originally?

I don't know. Something that happened when I was a kid.

Mm. And why are you here now?

I just. Well, I broke my ankle recently.

I see.

And it was my worst nightmare.

How so?

Well, you know.

Uh, actually, no, I don't.

The obvious.

Why don't you spell it out for me?

Seriously?

Seriously?

I fell while fat.

Well, you weren't the first. And you won't be the last.

People fall.

Okay, but it is not that simple.

Enlighten me.

Okay, well, it was.

It was just terrifying.

My ankle was killing me, and I was lucky enough to have

my phone in my back pocket to call 911.

But then I had to worry about if,

um, the firemen could lift me.

Well, they're known to do that.

And it seems that everything worked out.

I guess.

So. Let's try this again.

Why are you here?

I need something to change.

If not my body. How I.

How I see my body.

How I live in it.

I don't know.

Well, that sounds like a great place to start.

[Narrator] To tell you my story, the whole of it.

I need to tell you the story of my body.

Sometimes I wonder who I would have been if there were no

before and after.

I have spent years and years trying to un-destroy myself.

So here I am. This is my heart.

What's left of it.

These are the ugliest, weakest,

truest parts of me.

These are the best and strongest and most beautiful parts of me.

This is the story of my body.

This is the story of my hunger.