Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

♪ ♪

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

♪ ♪

[Mike] Nice.

A Hatanka and Dunning joint.

[Kevin] Ooo.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Samurai Cop!

He's a samurai, and he's a cop.

[Bill] Or he's a cop whose

only jurisdiction is samurai affairs.

[Mike] When a samurai illegally parks in the loading zone

between the hours of eight AM and six PM.

Samurai Cop is there.

[Kevin] Based on the music, this takes place in

the off brand video game region of Japan.

[Bill] Cameron.

A famous one namer like Madonna but the dorky white dude version.

[Mike] (goofy voice) Hi I'm Cameron.

[Bill] Get the hell out of my sight Cameron.

[Mike] Will do!

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Ooo!

Alen Dermabrasion.

He's good.

A little rough for my taste.

Ha ha ha!

[Bill] That's terrible.

[Mike] (goofy voice) I liked it!

[Bill] Go away Cameron!

[Mike] You got it fellas!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

We are not an established gang yet.

[Bill] We now join "Are we an established

gang yet?" already in progress.

My friend, we should be very cautious in my opinion.

We should try to make friends with all the gangs.

The Japanese, the Chinese.

[Mike] We must unite the entire food court.

Even those Dippin Dots weirdos.

Enough money to be made in this business for all of us!

It's all up to Fujiama.

He wants to make a certain treaty with the

chinese gangs not the japanese.

Especially the ginzus.

Here comes the boss.

[Kevin] Man. Springsteen really went through a weird period

in the early nineties.

What happened Uncle Mersan?

(indistinct)

[Bill] Translation: ugly purple sunglasses man behind me.

(indistinct)

Right now.

I want that old chinese fox dead!

Okay boss.

[Mike] Is the redhead the old chinese fox?

[Kevin] Ah it's not clear.

Do not agree with the fight.

Akomura, it is not for us to decide.

It is up to the boss.

[Bill] By which I mean my majestic chin.

We fight.

[Mike] Oh god. Is he really gonna make me fist bump?

Ugh, fine.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Okay team.

It's time to load up on knock-off Pokeman back packs.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Strip mall karate studio mafia.

The deadliest gang of all!

[Kevin] They're rough.

[Mike] Hope you didn't bring that giant face guy with you.

But. Oh dammit! You did!

Have you decided to work with us?

[Bill] Please respond with a weirdly slow nod.

(indistinct)

In no way we go under Fujiama's (indistinct)

[Bill] Thank you robo henchmen nine thousand.

Fujiama doesn't waste any more time.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Live free or die.

[Kevin] Oh hoo!

(screaming)

[Kevin] No guns!

We're doing stabs and face kicks!

Can we all get on the same page here?

(screaming)

(gun shots)

[Bill] Nice ki-ick!

Let's get going!

Move it!

You did it.

The job's done.

[Mike] You did it.

[Kevin] Offscreen Pee Wee Herman always so encouraging.

[Mike] It's what I do! Ha!

I'm responsible for bringing you from San Diego.

Are you sure this is a good bust?

Yeah, cocaine.

[Bill] So you're really not gonna say anything

about my hat and hair combo?

(Kevin laughs)

Hi how are you?

I'm just fine.

We're gonna go catch us some bad guys.

Good luck, call me if you need me.

See ya.

See you later.

Alright.

[Mike] I really hope that guy was the Samurai Cop

and that's his only scene.

(Kevin laughs)

(car engine starts)

[Kevin] Okay come on man.

I show up to work in a Cher wig and a baseball cap

and you say nothing?

You're messing with me right?

[Bill] Ooops! Lost him.

Oh well.

End of movie.

[Kevin] Good movie.

[Mike] Parking partially in a cross walk?

Do these loose cannons have no respect for the rules?

His boss was killed by the Katana gang.

There's the blue van over there.

[Kevin] Over there in the totally different part of town.

Yeah.

Let's call for the helicopter.

Peggy where are you?

I'm landing.

[Bill] Ugh. I thought I gave those guys a fake number.

We need you.

I'll give you the directions.

[Mike] Big weird vans.

If you're gonna do crimes, why not do them in a big weird van?

[Kevin] Finger on lens. Finger on lens!

Ah!

(helicopter buzzing)

[Bill] So are you guys on the 12th landing pad?

[Mike] What? Not at all.

[Bill] Hmm, how about now?

Are you on the 12th landing pad now?

[Mike] No!

[Bill] 10-4 Okay.

[Bill] How about now?

Are you on 12th now?

[Mike] Oh for the love of? No!

I can see the blue van.

[Kevin] You can?!

[Bill] I can see the blue van.

[Mike] Those are boats, Bill.

[Kevin] The casual left turn of a Samurai!

[Bill] And or a cop who polices Samurai.

[Kevin] Right right.

Can you hear me?

Yeah Greg I can hear you.

Watch for the boat.

[Mike] What about the blue van?

[Kevin] Screw the blue van!

(helicopter buzzing)

There's lots of boats in the marina.

How am I supposed to know which one's carrying the coke?

Just keep an eye on the van Peggy.

[Bill] You just told me to watch for a boat?

Who even are you guys?

They're gonna make the swap somewhere the marina.

Just stick close to them.

Okay Joe.

Keep it up.

Oh it's up and ready.

You just keep it warm.

It's warm and ready.

[Mike] She's talking about the hair curler set

he wants to borrow right?

[Kevin] Oh I hope so!

♪ ♪

[Bill] Hey! A boat! Oh wait.

But there's the blue van!

I'm so darned confused!

♪ ♪

[Mike] A rental?

These guys are high rollers.

[Kevin] Yeah.

Hey guys.

I think we're getting close.

There's a boat headed full speed towards the van.

[Kevin] Boat AND van?

I'm melting down!

Try to stay out of sight Peggy.

I don't want you scaring them off.

You got it Joe.

[Bill] Yeah stay out of sight up there in your helicopter.

Nobody ever notices those.

Just hide behind a sky bush or something.

(Kevin laughs)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Mike] I just hope John Mickelthore and the rest of the band from

Rockin Roll Nightmare don't step out of the blue van.

[Kevin] That'd be great.

[Kevin] Hurry up guys.

Our rental's only good for 45 minutes.

And then there's an additional fee you know.

They'll come with the boat.

Yeah.

Stay here and wait.

Mm hmm.

[Mike] This movie should be called vehicle cop or

just vehicles.

Hey Peggy can you see them?

Seems like we've lost them.

[Kevin] Lost them?

But the plan was so air tight!

♪ ♪

[Bill] Ugh. Maybe wipe down the cases with a

wet paper towel next time?

♪ ♪

[Mike] Hey! Troy Corey fan?

[Kevin] Sure am. How did you know?

♪ ♪

(helicopter buzzing)

♪ ♪

[Bill] This movie 's already three times longer than

the Beastie Boys Sabotage video.

But with one thousand times less story.

[Mike] I told you we shouldn't have stopped

at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.

[Kevin] Well look.

Sometimes a guy just needs a lieutenant Dan surf and turf okay?

♪ ♪

[Bill] The movie SAYS shady crimes of the docks.

But the music says "beginning of mom's exercise video".

[Mike] Hey why'd you have me crouch in the back of

the van with a gun before?

[Kevin] Just funsies!

(engine starts)

[Bill] They're getting away!

Assuming we're even in the same general area as them,

which I'm not sure about at all!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Mike] Hope I make it to the Troy Corey show tonight.

They'll have to come by this way, it's the only road out.

[Kevin] Gah.

Sure, the first fisherman's co-op and marine supply store.

I'm so tired of movies relying on this whole famous landmark.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Brooke Shields?

[Mike] No that's not Brooke Shields!

[Kevin] Ah hey, your back tire's flat.

Back tire is flat!

It's! Forget it.

(screeching)

♪ ♪

[Bill] Pulling a gun for unclear reasons.

Then no longer having a gun in the next shot.

Just a day in the life of a Samurai Cop.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Car is moving too fast.

Almost as if the film is being accelerated beyond my control!

(Kevin laughs)

[Kevin] Next he drives some miles out of his way to hit a pane of glass.

(gun shots)

Shoot! Shoot him!

[Bill] Is he swerving around the bullets?

(gun shots)

Ah! Hold on!

You got him!

[Mike] Who said that? Someone in the trunk?

Hold on, hold on!

Agh!

Hey man! Watch it! Watch it!

Oh man!

[Kevin] Ah nuts!

[Bill] Gee whiz!

Hey let's call for backup.

We'll call them when we need them.

[Mike] You just ran over a guy in a fire fight.

You sure we don't need back up?

[Bill] Three more casualties.

Then I'll think about it.

(helicopter buzzing)

♪ ♪

Shoot! Shoot him!

[Kevin] Yeah, uh, I'm ON it!

Don't be such a driver seat shooter.

(gun shots)

Shoot!

(gun shots)

Shoot him!

[Bill] Oh thanks.

I forgot for a second.

(gun shots)

Shoot! Shoot him!

You got him!

Yeah I got the bastard.

[Mike] And all because you told me to shoot him.

(Kevin laughs)

[Kevin] So, all this is just a few minutes from the marina?

[Bill] Or the blue van.

Oh that is the blue van!

(laughs)

♪ ♪

Let's go! Go!

[Bill] I'm in charge now. Pay back time!

To shoot him!

[Mike]Turn twelve degrees left.

Maintain a steady speed.

Faster! Go! Go!

Faster!

[Kevin] And look like Steve Carell in a wig!

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

[Bill] What the hell was that man?

I don't recall saying "shoot" or "shoot him"?

♪ ♪

[Mike] It's like playing car chase with the two oldest

crappiest most broken Hot Wheels in the bottom of

the toy bucket at your aunt's house.

[Kevin] Yeah bringing back bad memories hey Mike?

[Mike] Just the worst.

[Kevin] Yeah.

(gun shots)

[Bill] Dang.

Forgot to tell myself to "shoot him" first.

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

[Mike] My neck! My neck!

(laughs)

My neck!

(explosion)

[Bill] My neck!!

(laughs)

Poor neck.

[Bill] Ah! Just the back of my clothes are on fire!

Help!

He's on fire! Do something!

Man he's burning! We gotta do something!

[Mike] Maybe shoot? Shoot him?

Help! Help!

(screaming)

[Kevin] Help!

The fire's already burned off my mustache and my hispanicness!

That's it.

He's out.

[Bill] Hi.

We really didn't contribute anything, but we're here.

(sirens sound)

Good job guys.

Calls for a celebration.

[Mike] Yeah we have no way of hearing you down here.

You got it!

I'll see back at your place.

[Kevin] The finger guns?

Uh nevermind!

[Bill] Meanwhile on the Bachelor.

(indistinct)

The boss is coming.

[Mike] Quick!

Minimize ski free before he sees!

[Kevin] Ah.

His stair case descending assistant is there to

help him descend the stair case.

So they call him Samurai huh?

Yes.

His real name is Joe Marshall.

They call him Samurai.

[Bill] I know!

I just yelled that!

(Kevin laughs)

He got his martial arts training from the masters in Japan.

He was brought over here from the police force

in San Diego to fight us.

To fight us?!

To fight me!

[Mike] San Diego!

And also the masters in Japan have never liked me.

To kill you and my other men.

To put hand cuffs on me!

And put me in the gas chamber.

[Kevin] Sounds like he's kind of looking foward to it.

Samurai.

If he's a Samurai, what the hell are you?!

I'll get to know.

[Bill] Question that Roberts has already got a lot.

To see who the real Samurai is.

So you know where our man is?

Yes boss.

I know the hospital and the room.

[Mike] So if you could sign this Ziggy

get well card for him real quick?

He won't be able to talk.

I want him dead!

I want his head cut off and brought here!

I want his head on this piano.

So that every man in my organization understands once more

that no Katana gets captured alive or talks!

[Kevin] And then I want Beethoven's head on the piano!

And then I want Lucy Van Pelt to flirt with me while

I play the piano and ignore her!

I will bring you his head.

And I will place it on your piano.

I know the real Samurai is here.

[Bill] Only a real Samurai could cut the

head off a helpless burn victim.

So I'm lying there in bed with probably THE most

beautiful woman I've ever met in my life.

Hey! What are you talking about?

I'm just kidding.

You know you're number one.

[Mike] And that's coming from a huge pile of number two.

So anyway you get on the phone and you tell me

that these, uh, what's his name?

Omaha? Yamaha?

Whatever his face's name is right?

Is after me.

So I figure I'm gonna have to knock a couple of these guys off.

[Kevin] So I said to my hot Canadian girlfriend I said

I don't want any more dead bodies.

Joe! Frank!

Come to my office.

[Bill] I bet he's real happy about their wild card shenanigans.

Hi Joe.

Hi Elkie.

[Mike] He learned flirting from Nelson Muntz.

In trouble again.

What's it gonna be today?

[Kevin] It's gonna be a strange exterior

shot for no reason I guess.

And there's a waiting room inside the chief's office?

Hello sir.

Joe.

Hey Steve how you doing?

What's going on Steve?

Not much sir.

There's a nurse in there giving him an injection.

He's burned pretty bad.

[Bill] Yeah Steve.

Dial it back man.

You're a bit player in Samurai Cop.

[Kevin] Sorry sir.

[Mike] Man. This is gonna hurt when they rip off that

blood soaked head bandage.

Hi. How is he?

Do you think he'll be able to answer a few questions?

No way. His lips are burned.

[Kevin] (laughs) Official medical diagnosis

"No way! His lips are burned!".

[Bill] Gah!

Next time guys catch him in one piece.

Thanks nurse.

Do you like that you see?

[Bill] Comatose guy covered in 4th degree burns.

Oh yeah I'm into it.

Would you like to touch what you see?

Yes. Yes I would.

would you like to go out with me?

[Mike] I have no opinion on that.

Yes I would.

[Mike] Oh wait I do!

(Kevin laughs)

Bingo.

Well then let's see what you've got.

[Kevin] I'm hoping it's barbed and covered in scales.

Aww. It's just normal genitalia.

Nothing there?

Just exactly what would interest you?

Something the size of a jumbo jet?

[Bill] Meanwhile this guy's in another room

trying to make a baby laugh.

Yeah I have.

Why?

Well your doctor must have cut a big portion of it off.

[Mike] Nurse?

Could you stop insulting that man's penis and

help us restart this guy's heart?

Kind of an emergency.

Hey.

Don't worry.

I've got enough.

It's big.

[Kevin] My bill at the Blasta Denim pants store

is big is what I mean.

I have a.

(laughs)

Have you been circumcised?

Shut up.

[Bill] Now let's go to temple it's shabat.

Okay Steve I want you to watch the room and watch it good.

You've got three more officers coming to assist you.

[Bill] Steve.

And remember no one goes into the room except for

doctors and nurses got it?

Okay Joe.

Alright let's go.

[Mike] Okay. Got it.

You said hook my thumb over my belt like some country dumb ass.

And then wander aimlessly behind you until someone

who clearly isn't a nurse or a doctor,

strolls immediately into the room.

Got it.

[Bill] Uh, Steve.

Hi Joe. Hi Frank.

How are you doing?

Watch the room from all sides.

The burned man's very important to us.

Okay sir.

[Kevin] Watch it from all sides?

They're gonna have to crawl into the duct to do that.

But hey! Order are orders.

Hey hey!

Where are you doing?

[Bill] Yeah. Where are you doing?

To the trash. Is that alright?

Alright.

[Mike] She works as a janitor in between White Snake video shoots.

(groaning)

[Kevin] Hey if you're to kill me, no need.

I'm still bleeding freely through thirty layers of gauze.

I'll be dead in seconds.

(groaning)

[Bill] Also please stop force feeding me jelly donuts.

(Kevin laughs)

[Mike] Yep.

See this is what it looks like when you order

ninety nine dollar laser eye surgery.

(groaning)

[Kevin] Hey.

With the high insurance deductibles I got, go ahead and kill me.

Ha ha ha.

I leave behind a wife and four children.

(groaning)

[Bill] Guess that one baby aspirin didn't

really cover his pain management.

(gagging sounds)

[Mike] Okay.

Now we'll go ahead and implant a giant lower jaw.

Get you looking like a proper man.

[Kevin] Now if you could clean this off for me.

And then please put it back up on the wall of the

crappy sushi bar I stole it from.

Okay?

Thanks.

[Bill] Oh! His head is super light.

And it was so easy to cut off.

[Mike] Man.

Patch Adam's methods got really dark in his later years.

[Kevin] Ah! Sure!

Dental office right next to the high security burn ward.

That's where I go to get my teeth whitened.

[Bill] Dum de dum dum.

Just taking out the garbage in a rolling laundry hamper

covered by several layers of white linens like I always do!

Dum de dum dum.

[Mike] The killing the one insignificant guy who will

quickly be forgotten scene reaches its second hour.

(footsteps)

[Kevin] Steve the cop.

Fresh from taste testing all the different colored

liquids in the janitor's closet.

Oh my god!

Call security!

[Bill] You ARE security!

That couldn't have been made more clear!

[Kevin] Alright well then call me then!

[Bill] Would you? Steve!

[Kevin] What?

[Mike] This is like the famous hospital scene in the Godfather,

if it had been written and produced by sea cucumbers.

I'm in corridor two.

[Kevin] Hey hey!

Listen up guys!

That guy's in corridor two!

[Mike] Uh thank god.

[Bill] Oo! Corridor two!

[Kevin] Yeah yeah.

Hey wait a minute!

Nurse! Wait a minute!

[Mike] Said someone else.

Somewhere else.

Said some other time.

[Bill] Which number corridor is he in?

[Kevin] I don't know!

Get up!

♪ ♪

Good job.

[Kevin] Probably could have done it myself.

Not go to all the trouble of smuggling in

a three hundred pound man, but good job.

No one's around.

Let's go!

[Mike] Garden level, pool area/rec room at the

combination burn ward and dental office, sure.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Into the other elevator.

Good plan.

Wait. What?

[Kevin] That elevator sucks.

May as well take the stairs.

♪ ♪

Hey wait a minute.

I want to talk to you.

Oh!

[Mike] He was confronted by Bluto!

Hey Popeye!

I ought to knock your block off!

[Mike] Oh oh.

Wait a minute.

Ugh!

[Bill] That's for having the same voice as the last guy!

♪ ♪

Come on come on!

Let's get going! Move it!

[Kevin] Hospital parking lot.

Definitely not the apartment building where the director

is crashing for a few weeks with his cousin.

[Mike] Hey! Come on over here!

Hey wait a minute doctor.

I'd like to talk to you.

Can I see some ID?

[Mike] Some ID?

So the way he has been kicking the crap

out of all his associates has made him only mildly suspicious.

[Kevin] Hey!

What are you doing?

[Bill] How's our stealth operation going so far?

Think anyone's onto us?

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Okay.

So that guy's head was a first item on our scavenger hunt.

Next up, a picture of one of us wearing a giant foam cowboy hat!

Captain what did I do wrong?

Everything you did was wrong.

You're the one that talked me in to bringing this

moron from San Diego, to fight the japanese katana gang!

[Mike] Don't you know guys FROM Harlem are the only way to go?

An officer lost his hand.

And there are three police officers in the hospital right now.

Goddamn you guys!

(Kevin laughs)

All you've done is cost me blood shed and mayhem!

[Bill] As a free lance architect I'm very disappointed!

This man has been here one week and I almost most my job.

If he's here one more week I might end up in jail

and die of a heart attack and I don't like that.

Hey I've been here one week.

[Kevin] (laughs) He beams his lines in from another dimension.

One week? One month? Next year?

At what cost and how many lives?

With all due respect sir.

[Mike] Hope you don't mind if Steve Perry stands in for me?

But I don't have the time and I don't have the patience.

And I won't have much more credit in this department

to have bodies laying around me.

Fine.

You don't want me here anymore.

[Bill] Ah. Guess I'm doing this again.

You bet your ass I will.

You're on your way to San Diego and I'll write the order.

[Kevin] Hope you like perfect weather, great mexican food,

best beer in the country.

You know what? I'm coming with you.

Look, Captain.

You know it and they know it themselves.

And what they want is results.

And that's what we're gonna give them.

We're gonna give them the results.

[Bill] The people upstairs like results that are absolute garbage,

these guys are in great shape.

We need him.

So why don't we just help him and support him.

Alright?

What do you say huh Captain?

Felt like somebody stuck a big club up my ass and it hurts.

We've got to figure out a way to get it out of there.

[Kevin] Step aside.

We'll always have Paris.

I have a new favorite movie quote.

I don't want to see your face.

[Mike] Hey let's put another big club up his ass.

(Kevin laughs)

You son of a bitch!

Come back here you mother fucker!

[Bill] Their police captain is seriously unstable!

I hope there's a review board overseeing that guy.

Whoa!

[Kevin] Yep. Probably bipolar.

Raves then euphoria.

He should not be in charge of anything.

(Bill laughs)

What happened?

You out or in?

Baby I'm always in.

Okay Mr Joe Samurai.

Now that you're in, I've got some interesting news for you.

What is it?

[Mike] Oh, guess I could have just told you the news

rather than making you ask "what is it?"

But hey I'm a cop, not a movie maker.

Well Mr. Fujiama the head of the Katana gang.

This is where he's been hanging out.

What does Katana mean?

[Bill] And also who are you?

The japanese sword.

Also there are two other japanese gangs.

The Sizjaku and Ginza gangs.

They're both rivals to the Katana.

Alright both of those gangs are willing to cooperate with us.

They're a small gang.

Mostly in gambling.

They're afraid of Katana.

That's why they're willing to help us.

[Kevin] I crossed behind you if you need me.

In time we'll use their service but.

Not now.

Right now I say you and I go pay a visit to

this Blue Lagoon restaurant.

[Mike] I say we hassle this Christopher Atkins character really hard.

I can't.

But I'll be home later on.

[Bill] "I'll be home later on".

Isn't that true of all people who have a home?

Keep it warm.

Come on Frank let's go.

[Kevin] Yes their breadsticks truly are unlimited.

We're stuck in an endless hell realm!

Jennifer I have a small present for you.

Thank you Mr. Fujiama but I don't know if I should accept that.

Please, take it.

[Mike] Unless you already have a cup of

ranch dressing from the buffet line.

In that case I'll just go ahead and pour it over my salad.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

It's beautiful.

[Bill] I've never received a human fingernail in a gift box before.

Hello Mr. Fujiama.

Hi everybody.

Hey Tony you're late.

Well sorry.

Please have a seat.

Thanks.

[Kevin] It's 10am and Tony's late.

[Mike] Yeah. Evil gangs like to start their mornings

with a nice formal dinner.

(indistinct chatter)

[Bill] Hey! What time does the band start?

[Kevin] Oh not until brunch.

So like an hour from now.

Are you Fujiama?

Yes I am.

Who are you?

I'm a cop.

[Mike] Any particular kind?

Any single foreign word that prefaces that?

You can talk to me.

I am Mr. Fujiama's attorney.

What do you want?

So you're the infamous boss of the shit Katana gang huh?

[Kevin] Well we occasionally dabble in shi-Hey!

[Mike] Not acting tough.

He got up to ask for more gravy.

Sit down.

Look, officer.

(Kevin laughs)

You have no right insulting my client.

You have nothing on him.

Yes we have.

[Bill] Always have your actors stand in ugly corners.

Really heightens the tension.

To clean up his shit.

Officers, if you have anything against me then book me.

Otherwise as they say "Get the hell out of my face!"

[Kevin] Wait.

Who says that?

[Mike] Well he hangs out with a lot of sassy black women.

A man is innocent until he's proven guilty.

You have nothing on me.

Oh I've got a lot of shit on you.

[Bill] San Diego cops with their fancy San Diego cop jargon.

I'll sue YOU and the department.

For this insult to my client.

I'll file a case first thing in the morning.

Hey counselor.

You still have three or four hours before the court house closes.

(laughs)

(Kevin laughs)

I'm telling these son of a bitches, that we respect

the japanese of this country.

[Kevin] But we are gonna say "son of a bitches"

instead of "sons of bitches".

Yeah this is the land of opportunity.

For legitimate business.

Not for death merchants, who distribute drugs.

[Mike] What? No death merchants?

I'm gonna have to re-think my Kickstarter now.

Now I'm telling these mother fuckers that if they

continue killing our children to make their precious

millions that they deposit in their secret swiss bank accounts,

[Bill] You know his insights into the

death merchants industry are spot on guys.

SPOT on!

I'll have their stinking bodies in garbage bags

and ship them back to Japan for fertilizer.

Got it?

And you too!

[Kevin] Is there abuse for me too?

Excuse me miss.

By the way, what's an all-American girl like you,

doing with a geek like this?

[Mike] Mmm. So racist.

See you around.

[Bill] Well I think they accomplished a lot with that visit.

Good police work.

Hey counselor, we'll see you in court.

(laughs)

[Kevin] Well he's spoiled Jerry's birthday dinner.

Who's that blonde girl?

Oh, her name is Jennifer.

She's the boss.

[Mike] Are they talking to a cartoon rabbit?

Her mother owns the place.

Where's her father?

Bang!

Killed?

Who shot him?

He!

Who?

Him.

Who's him?

Himself.

Oh he committed suicide.

Yes. (laughs)

[Bill] First time his expression has been appropriate.

(Kevin laughs)

When you see Jennifer alone tell her.

Tell her I think she's very lovely.

I'll do that!

[Mike] (silly voice) I mean if you can't depend on me,

who can you depend on?

Aaaaah!

I like cops.

My cousin's a cop.

Oh really?

Where?

In Costa Rica.

[Kevin] Yeah.

I was trying to figure out if I should be offended by this guy.

And then I realized I can't even place him as human.

[Bill] Yeah it could be a take off on some

exotic south american tree sloth.

What's your last name?

Ahh?

That's alright, we just need your first name.

Thank a lot, bye.

Bye bye!

I'll tell my cousin I know you.

[Mike] Oh he's quite a character.

Blue Lagoon sales are down 400% since they took him on.

Hey check it out.

[Kevin] You like Tiramisu?

Dan's not gonna eat his.

[Bill] I boxed it up for them.

[Kevin] Hey thanks Dan.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Mike] Hmm.

I'm guessing that nod contained very complex

instructions on tactics and no?

Evidently not.

(Kevin laughs)

♪ ♪

Agh!

[Kevin] Gentlemen!

Not in the parking lot of the Blue Lagoon!

You are sullying our reputation at the finest

breakfast only seafood restaurant with

an all gay costa rican staff in the metro area!

Ugh!

(smack!)

[Bill] Oh he hair buttered him!

[Kevin] That's gotta hurt.

Agh! Agh!

♪ ♪

(smack)

(smack)

[Kevin] I think they made these punching sound effects by

slapping a leather couch with a wet ham.

[Mike] Bet he leaves the prolonged crotch to ass contact

out of his police report.

♪ ♪

(smack)

Agh!

Agh! Ha! Ha!

Idiots!

[Bill] The only believable line of dialogue so far.

Move!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

What are you gonna do?

Fight this guy bare handed?

[Kevin] You're right.

What are you? Oh my god!

That little gesture just meant help me punch him.

♪ ♪

Freeze you mother fuckers!

Leave him alone! (Mike laughs)

Uncuff him. I mean it! Uncuff him!

Agh!

[Mike] Oo. Lincoln Hawk's worst nightmare.

Aggh!

Uh huh huh.

Damn!

[Kevin] Sorry about the terrible quip.

I'm still hung up on the waiter's last name.

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

Frank look out!

[Bill] I'm pretty sure Frank also heard the uzi fire.

[Mike] He also yelled "Heads up" in Hiroshima.

(gun firing continually)

[Kevin] Oh paint ball can really hurt man!

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

[Bill] Keep in mind this is in broad daylight in

the parking lot of an exclusive LA restaurant

[Mike] Yeah.

Jennifer Lawrence is waiting out the gun fire

to hand her keys to the valet.

(gun shots)

Come on let's get out here!

[Kevin] Yeah! Not staying at the blood bath.

That's the kind of renegade cop thinking they can

only teach you in San Diego.

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

[Bill] Fujiama's in there trying to figure out

the check over the gun fire.

Is the gratuity included?

(yelling) I said is the gratuity included?!

[Mike] Now, where was I?

Oh right.

[Bill] Shooting.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Good thing I ate lunch with this grenade down my pants.

(explosions)

♪ ♪

[Bill] What exploded twice?

[Mike] Yeah grenades are like earthquakes.

The aftershocks can get you just as bad.

[Kevin] Wow. These weapons certainly are lethal.

[Bill] I hope the bad guys don't steal them.

[Kevin] Me too.

Ripped off lethal weapons?

[Bill] That would be terrible.

Yeah.

(Mike sighs)

Son of a bitch.

Killed his own men.

I know.

It's called code of silence.

He doesn't want anybody talking.

[Mike] The ancient Samurais gunned down people

in parking lots all the time.

[Bill] For silence.

Gonna burn my ass.

Yeah he's gonna burn it.

Charcoal black.

It is black.

Right on.

[Kevin] Remember folks.

It's not racist if it's incoherent.

Captain what do you want me to do about the case?

What case?

The Los Feliz case.

You're the officer in charge of the case.

Go do it! Bring me an arrest!

[Bill] Chief your rage is hardly bile drenched at all today.

Are you feeling alright?

Mr. Fujiama is very upset.

[Mike] These allegations of pee peeing in cokes are libelous.

I mean he has every right to be.

But frankly I don't give a damn.

But Captain Roma, let me warn you.

Fuck you and your client.

[Kevin] Oh Comcast customer service must be

banging down the door to hire this guy.

Get out of here you asshole!

Leave me alone!

I've got more important things than a shiester like you.

Get out here!

I'll see you in court.

You motherfucker.

I'll see you in hell.

Leave me alone.

Get a job!

[Bill] Now he gets into the McGruff costume

to talk to the kindergarteners.

[Mike] Ooh!

Let me just alert the boss.

All the staff here talks like this.

[Kevin] Ah okay.

Mr Akamota.

The police officer is here.

(knock on door)

Come on in.

[Bill] I'm circumcised okay.

Just getting ahead of that.

Hi.

Hi.

I was in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd stop by and see you.

[Kevin] And might I add. (kissing noises)

No no.

Just a friendly conversation.

You know rumor has it that you own the restaurant.

It's a very nice restaurant.

[Mike] Shame the grenade damage cost you a Michellin star.

You're a police officer.

Questioning is the nature of your business.

Isn't it?

Yeah.

But my visit today is simply social.

Why?

[Kevin] Well I'm a fellow lion head enthusiast.

I think you're very pretty.

Thank you.

Geez where are my manners?

I haven't even introduced myself.

[Bill] I've been a real son of a bitches.

Joe Marshall.

I know.

And they call you Samurai?

Seems you know a lot about me.

They talk.

Who's they?

Your japanese friends?

They're not my friends.

[Mike] Sorry I just find it difficult to talk in front of art

that isn't based around one of the big cats.

I mean do you know who they are or where they come from?

Did you know that Fujiama is the number one

most wanted criminal on the police list right now?

[Bill] He is?

Then why the hell didn't you arrest him?

And he's been helpful to my mother and I.

How did you get to know him in the first place?

[Kevin] Poomba sold me out.

He owned this restaurant.

He left my mother and I buried under $400,000 in debt.

So Mr Fujiama helped us out.

I guess you could say he owns the restaurant now.

That's why my mother and I feel indebted to him.

[Mike] We feel that way because we literally ARE, severely $400,000.

His drug money.

Dirty.

See guys like Fujiama make millions of dollars every year

in this town by selling drugs and destruction.

[Kevin] Well they got their destruction into Costco.

Really lucrative deal.

I think it's pretty safe to say that you shouldn't have

any interest for what this guy is doing.

Well you're right.

I have no interest at all in their activity.

[Bill] You know I said that about my kids.

And now I have to see a social worker.

Well I suppose being the restaurant owner

you must eat here quite a bit.

[Mike] Yeah I go to town on shredded cheese in the walk in.

[Kevin] Ugh.

How'd you like to eat somewhere else for a change?

With me?

I'm sorry, I can't.

I'm really busy.

Well you're the boss.

Can't you get somebody else to do it?

Not today.

My bookkeeper is coming by later.

[Kevin] Turns out there's all this paperwork when

a quintuple murder happens on your property.

How about tomorrow?

Tomorrow's Friday and that's one of our busiest days.

Alright, Sunday. Sunday it is.

[Bill] That's the most logical day to try next.

Sure.

I go to church.

Besides Sunday's my birthday.

Oh Sunday's your birthday?

Well happy birthday.

Thank you.

What church do you go to?

The Episcopal church in Beverly Hills.

Ah the Episcopal church.

That's very nice.

[Mike] Not like that Luthern turd they got there.

Nice meeting you Jennifer.

You too.

See you later.

Bye.

[Kevin] Mr. Tumnis woke up with a head like that on his bed

when he didn't pay the white witch on time.

[Bill] (laughs) Can't believe he bought

that Episcopal church nonsense.

Hail Satan!

All the way baby!

♪ ♪

Don't move.

What are you gonna do?

Shoot me?

Maybe a little later.

[Mike] Gah! Uglier me!

(Kevin laughs)

Come on let's go! Move!

Agh!

[Kevin] Okay make it quick guys.

Dragon Sound is getting their ass kicked in here in thirty.

Stay back.

This guy's mine.

[Bill] He's frustrated about blowing his

New Kids on the Block audition.

♪ ♪

(smack)

[Mike] Maybe Samurai Cop is short for saw Tom Cruise

in The Last Samurai cop.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Grandpa why do you walk funny?

[Bill] Well dear I threw myself down the stairs in a movie

called Samurai Cop in exchange for a free burrito.

[Kevin] Grandpa you're my hero.

[Bill] Oh thanks kid.

You swiped that whisky from your dad like I asked?

[Kevin] Got it right here!

[Bill] I'm in a lot of pain from that incident.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Mike] Yep.

The sudden sight of a Geo Metro could have that effect.

Tell me who hired you?

I don't know!

Tell me who hired you to kill a cop!

[Bill] Could you point your crotch like in any other direction?

Don't lie to me or I'll break your fucking wrists.

Now tell me!

I can't!

They'll kill me.

No they won't.

I'll help you.

[Mike] We'll swap in a body double.

It'll be seamless, trust me.

It'll get you fifteen years.

But if you tell me who hired you, I'll get them.

Akumura.

Akumura sent me.

Which one is he?

He's the big bald man.

[Kevin] The one who's always cleaning things and

folding his arms?

Has an earring?

Alright.

I need his address.

How do we know that this is the right house?

[Bill] Because we used smash cut power!

(Kevin laughs)

We'll arrest him.

And we'll have a solid case against the Katana gang

for hiring four assassins to kill a policeman.

On the other hand if it's the wrong house,

then we'll apologize to the owner.

The usual police routine.

[Mike] Cops are always reminding each other to follow

"the usual police routine".

Shit man.

You burn my ass.

You don't have to worry about that.

It's already uh.

[Kevin] Yeah good banter is hard.

So just kind of smirk while you say some words.

This time he'll probably cut my dick too huh?

(guys laughs)

[Bill] Guys, guys!

Report to the captain.

For what?

Let's use it before you lose it.

(laughter)

[Bill] That is the appropriate response to what just happened.

(guys laugh)

He's right.

We're gonna go around the back.

If you hear shooting come running.

[Mike] Uh I think we know the usual police routine.

Hey preacher?

Yeah?

You and I got nothing to do.

Let's fuck.

Shut up.

[Kevin] Ah my wedding night.

Ahh.

[Bill] Heh heh.

Hope the japanese mob likes trampled geraniums.

Damn!

You promised to buy me those japanese pearls.

Did I?

Yes you promised.

[Mike] Please don't mention his pearls

when he's sitting like that.

(Kevin laughs)

Okay.

Can you satisfy me?

[Kevin] This was voted best movie scene of the nineties

by Asses and Crotches magazine.

[Bill] I read it for the articles.

Hey Vic take a look behind the building.

Alright.

[Bill] Yeah Vic's always up for suddenly looking

behind something for no reason.

Good guy.

♪ ♪

Freeze!

Agh!

[Mike] Why don't I freeze if you were just gonna hit me anyway?

(Kevin laughs)

♪ ♪

[Kevin] For all you kids out there.

Before the internet, this is how we used to

have to watch people doing it.

[Bill] No it wasn't!

Don't listen to him.

No.

Is that him?

I guess so.

Looks like this is his last fuck.

Let him finish it then.

[Mike] No way.

If he's a Sting fan we could be here for hours.

Hey you look!

Police!

Don't move, you're under arrest.

[Kevin] As soon as I can get this to, dammit, open door, first.

Then shut up.

I never learn!

You get off my back!

Freeze Akamura!

[Bill] Somehow this is still the most

dignified performance in the movie.

Freeze!

(gun shot)

[Mike] For the next guy they're gonna yell "freeze"

as the coroner is pronouncing him dead.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Are you here from Twin Galaxies

about my defender high score?

Guess not!

♪ ♪

(crashing)

[Bill] He learned that move from Grandmaster Burt Lahr.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ [Mike] Late for his other henchmen gig.

Goldfinger's gonna be pissed.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Johnny Utah would already have a dog

thrown at him by this point.

(gun shots)

[Bill] Freeze!

(gun shots)

Don't move!

(Kevin laughs)

♪ ♪

[Mike] Time for a quick cut go knife demonstration.

No! That's just what they'll expect.

(gun shots)

[Kevin] Bad boys bad boys!

Whatcha gonna do?

Whatcha gonna do when these son of a bitches come for you?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Bill] He could jump through the cactus.

He's clearly immune to sharp things shredding his skin.

♪ ♪

[Mike] And that's when the viagra kicked in.

[Kevin] Zoink!

I'm unarmed.

You gonna shoot me?

Or fight me like a man?

[Kevin] As a police officer those are your only two options.

(indistinct)

[Bill] The thing is he'd be making the same sounds

if they'd let him finish in bed.

[Mike] He looks like the Karate Kid porn

parody version of Mr. Miyagi.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Oh he kicked him into a new scene!

(grunting)

[Bill] Samurai train for centuries to learn to fight

like guys on any given MMA undercard.

(smack)

(smack)

(smack)

[Mike] Seems like excessive force.

But for the LAPD in the nineties, this counted

as reading your miranda rights.

(smack)

(smack)

[Kevin] Oh!

And things were really looking up for his testicles

like three minutes ago.

♪ ♪

[Bill] If he's not careful he's gonna wake up

whatever died on Joe's head.

(Kevin laughs)

♪ ♪

(smack)

(smack)

[Mike] Ugh.

Like watching two eight year olds play gorn captain.

(smack)

(smack)

(smack)

(smack)

♪ ♪

[Kevin] All part of the usual police routine folks.

Happens dozens of times every day.

♪ ♪

[Bill] I'm finished.

No! No!

Remember your chumba wumba training!

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Okay I didn't mean it happens dozens of times

every day in this one scene alone!

♪ ♪

(smack)

(smack)

[Mike] Just let me know if you want me to throw in.

[Bill] Oh no.

He might use those at a seafood buffet to

pick out hard to reach crab!

(grunting) ♪ ♪

[Mike] If only he'd held out until 2001.

Could have those knives personally questioned when

Crocodile Dundee came to Los Angeles.

(screaming)

[Kevin] He sounds like Ren Hook caught in a blender.

[Bill] Now his finishing move.

The thorough chiropractic exam.

Ahh!

(screaming)

♪ ♪

[Mike] You're under arrest Akamura!

[Kevin] Oh no!

I'm Nakamura!

Akamura lives next door!

[Mike] Oh dammit!

[Bill] Hey I beat this little potato guy.

In hindsight it probably shouldn't have been so hard.

He's under arrest.

Watch his arm.

I might have broke it.

Looks like you did.

[Mike] Let's make him do a hundred push ups just to be sure.

♪ ♪

You're under arrest.

Come on. Get up, get up.

[Kevin] Right. That's why you cuff both hands.

I always forget that!

[Bill] Hah! Ha ha!

Thanks pal.

I really am a terrible cop.

Holy shit!

Well this one's dead too.

Not captured alive.

[Mike] On account of the aforementioned deadness.

We have some problems in the police department.

We have several new enemies.

[Kevin] Enemies of crime in the police department?

Well this comes out of nowhere!

Lieutenant Washington, Andrew Johnson, Peggy Lee Thomas

and this kid they call the Samurai cop, Joe Marshall.

[Mike] Yeah you look at Joe and you think, "what a wipper snapper".

[Bill] A kid.

We buy him.

The rest don't matter.

No way boss.

No way.

I tried to set them all up in private business.

[Bill] As you know I'm a Mary Kay man myself.

For the rest of their lives.

It's a downhill situation.

I say if we cannot buy them, we kill them.

[Mike] I agree with the sentient face.

This is a most difficult situation.

If any of those guys are hurt they will suspect us.

Especially after Akumura's death.

[Kevin] Sorry just a little choked up.

We were supposed to summer in the Riviera this year.

I have an idea.

[Bill] They forgot to add the light bulb over his head in post.

An outside source.

I'll call New York.

And we'll have them all wiped out.

[Kevin] I'll also order some bagels because none of you

jerks are eating this fruit I set out!

We cannot kill any of them now.

But we should punish them somehow.

Call New York.

And get somebody to break both of those Samurai cop's legs.

[Mike] Both cops are Samurais?

This movie needs a plurals consultant.

(Kevin laughs)

It shall be done.

Who could shoot this in a mafia boss's house?

[Bill] So that's what middle aged puberty sounds like.

Excuse me.

Where did the tall guy with a pony tail go?

[Kevin] Ah out of fashion by the mid-nineties?

Thank you.

[Mike] Hello!

Hello again!

I don't have object permanence.

Well just a little business with him.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Hi I'm cosplayin' one of the extras

in the Beat It video from 1982.

Pretty cool huh?

♪ ♪

[Kevin] You know just because he's wearing sunglasses

doesn't mean he's blind right?

(alarm bell sounds)

Are you expecting anybody?

[Mike] No I wasn't Bizarro Walt Disney.

That's a warning bell.

[Bill] (laughs) Gah.

Lozenge man.

Wait here.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

[Bill] No no!

You're supposed to say "Marco" then I point at my shirt

and wink at the camera.

Come on guys!

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

[Kevin] Point blank staircase shootings.

One of the core tenants of the Moshito code.

(gun shots)

♪ ♪

[Mike] Don't shoot.

I'm just coming up the stairs to get my fit bit steps in.

Freeze!

Agh!

[Bill] No admittance?

This movie's just printing its quips on doors now.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Kevin] These guys have a really interesting interpretation

of "break his legs".

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

[Mike] I had a stool!

Ugh.

(Kevin laughs)

[Bill] Ah! I broke both my legs!

(church bell sounds)

[Kevin] Samurai cop and Sears suit model?

This guy's amazing!

[Mike] A natural response to Joe.

Slowly backing away.

Hi there.

Oh hi.

You're in church too?

Yeah I was in there preaching.

Didn't you see me?

No. You weren't.

Stop kidding me.

Nah I'm just kidding.

[Kevin] I know. I just asked you to stop.

(laughs) Hey hold on.

I have to ask you some more questions.

Police questions?

[Bill] Like who does Tackleberry think he is?

And how does Michael Winslow do that?

Okay where?

In my car.

Come on.

[Kevin] My god.

His car is a Tardis!

It's bigger on the inside.

And also it's a house!

So this is a police station where you are interrogating me?

This is the place.

Is this your house?

Yeah I own it.

Month to month.

[Mike] Little renter's humor.

I'm gonna die in someone else's property.

She's with the cop.

[Bill] Every good gang has a couple bored

CPA's standing around at all times.

She left with the cop.

[Kevin] Now you're supposed to say

"she left with the cop" too.

That's how you play telephone man!

Kill him!

My pleasure.

[Mike] His other pleasures include saxophones

solos and sensual beard trimming.

♪ ♪

[Bill] The teddy bears in the background

let us know Joe is secretly eight years old.

[Kevin] This is just low rent sequel to Big isn't it?

In a lot of trouble?

You know what?

As a matter of fact, I did.

This chicken.

I have a neighbor next door and she has farm animals.

And what I did was I jumped the fence

and stole one of her chickens and then killed it.

Because I really wanted to impress you.

[Mike] So he's a crafty cartoon fox.

Impressive.

(Kevin laughs)

How did you know I'd come home with you?

Let's just say I can read eyes.

[Bill] But that's the only letter I know.

[Kevin] That feeling when your Flamenco teacher shows up uninvited.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

My god!

[Mike] Coming soon to ABC Extreme Home Invasion Makeover.

They're gonna threaten your

life and critique your wood paneling.

My husband!

He's a police officer!

You can't do this to us!

I know.

I want to know where your Samurai friend is.

And I want to know now.

I don't know.

We're not good friends.

[Bill] They were gonna put us on the box of that

Good Friends Kashi cereal and I said no.

John! John help me!

John do something!

Leave her alone!

[Kevin] Every one of these background actors has

a headshot up on Creepy Uncles.com

Leave her alone dammit!

Tell me where he is or I'll hack her throat out piece by piece.

I swear I don't know where he lives!

[Mike] I assume he's like Dracula but

his coffin is a tanning bed.

How about Frank?

Or Peggy the girl cop?

You lie.

They're pretty good friends.

Maybe they know where he lives.

Oh please don't hurt my wife.

Damn you!

[Bill] who says there are no good roles for women?

♪ ♪

(groaning)

[Kevin] This was my favorite Kirkland signature tank top.

Ah huh.

This is Washington's address.

Chuck, you and your brother go there.

We'll go to the police woman's.

He lives alone but sometimes his girlfriend is with him.

You know how I operate?

[Mike] Yeah.

There's a string on your back and if we pull it

you say cliche dialogue.

You get any information you give it to me on the car phone.

Alright.

Let's go.

Sal! Sally!

(men laugh)

[Bill] We'll bury you in your finest leather shorts my dearest!

[Kevin] Ah!

Sure tiny speedos.

Always showing up in Kurasawas Samurai films too.

(sound of waves)

[Mike] You know despite all the violence.

At its heart Samurai Cop is really a sweet romantic comedy.

Should have been called when Jennifer met Mumble Ape.

[Kevin] Let me know when your banana's warm!

♪ ♪

[Bill] Can't wait to hang out with my friend Joe later

and make weird reactions faces to stuff.

(cocks gun)

Surprise.

[Mike] Sorry I'm late.

Traffic. Sorry. Sorry.

What do you want?

We want information.

What kind of information?

Information about my butt?

Sit down.

[Kevin] Yeah we need to know your Butts Meyers Briggs type.

I'd love to put a couple of bullets in your head.

Hey!

Take it easy man.

Come on!

[Bill] I'll give you the butt information okay?

Or I can leave you this gift.

This black gift.

[Mike] This black stallion.

This magnificent black beauty.

[Bill] Gift for all of us.

All I want is his address.

It's over there in the closet.

[Kevin] You know that place

where you obviously live Mr. Peen Grabber!

♪ ♪

There ain't nothing here.

[Bill] There isn't anything here Tommy.

What did we say about speaking professionally?

Damn thing here.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Oo!

A Sonny Crocket memorial blazer!

There ain't nothing here at all.

Agh!

Leave him alone!

[Kevin] Why are you being so mean?!

Leave him alone I said!

Stop it! Or I'll cut his throat!

I said leave him alone.

[Bill] Now I've got your lunchables!

Oh it's a gun! Even better!

Leave him alone! He's dead!

(gun shots)

[Mike] Teach you to take my sausage hostage!

Love cutting people huh?

Now you're gonna get it.

Agh! ♪ ♪

[Kevin] Ah isn't that clever.

She made a bathing suit out of two eye patches and a sling shot.

(splashing)

Now that is real professional!

I thought so.

No.

[Bill] Episcopalian girls are fun!

Answer the phone!

[Mike] Dammit.

Mom's screening my calls.

Now what was I doing?

[Kevin] Wow.

Being a Samurai Cop must pay way better than being a regular cop.

I'm hungry.

Me too.

[Bill] Then it is agreed.

Let us go put forth an edict so that

no man shall be ignorant of our shared hunger.

[Mike] Ah.

Another lonely lunch.

Maybe I should try to be more accessible to men.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Land sharks?

♪ ♪

[Bill] Uh yeah baby!

Salt that water before you par boil the pasta!

Yeah!

♪ ♪

[Mike] Well this weather stripping is shot.

She's gonna get ants.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] What am I gonna pick?

Hot Pockets!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Bill] No way he'll be able to get his jawline through there.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Oh why did I wear this male girdle?

Damn my vanity.

Hey baby!

(smack)

[Kevin] Yeah there are lot of unreleased Julia Childs shows

that end with her pounding someone's nads too.

(smack)

[Bill] Wow.

This Weight Watchers program is serious.

Hold on!

Get up!

Hold her.

[Mike] Ah who wants pancakes?

(screaming)

This didn't hurt you now?

(screaming)

Fuck you!

Maybe some other time.

[Kevin] Gristliest meat cue ever!

I don't know!

(screaming)

Maybe that will help you remember.

[Bill] In the original script she was just making

a tuna sandwich for lunch.

This scene was way different.

So foolish.

(screaming)

[Mike] Those safety shorts about Guardiana got dark man.

You're burning me!

Yes it burns!

And it's gonna burn more.

Now you tell me where he is!

(screaming)

[Kevin] Why did she have so much boiling oil?

[Mike] Oh just making herself several dozen chicirones for lunch.

Number thirty five.

(screaming)

Thank you.

[Bill] (singing) That's entertainment!

(screaming)

[Mike] These grease stains better

come out of my cut offs you dick!

Now we'll burn that Samurai love of hers.

Cool down young one.

[Bill] He better not have messed up my Bon Jovi

tattoo!

[Kevin] Eeeks.

(singing) Happy birthday to you!

[Kevin] (singing) I'm as dumb as a shoe.

See the outline of my glans penis!

I'm not smart enough to rhyme!

Well you can't have a birthday without a cake.

Thank you.

[Bill] He's like if Disney's Tarzan was badly airbrushed

onto the side of a van and came to life.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Mike] So.

What kind of cake did you end up getting for me?

Oh wait. We're really doing this?

Ugh okay.

[Kevin] Uh yeah.

What is this? A colonoscopy?

[Mike] Ugh!

(Kevin laughs)

[Kevin] Ah, ah.

It's not a birthday without a nap right?

Please let this be a nap.

A nice traditional birthday nap. Please.

♪ ♪

[Mike] You have the the right to remain sexy.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Huh. He can't concentrate.

He's thinking about the chlorine undoing all of the

conditions treatments he's done to volumize his hair.

[Bill] It's quite a feat of acting and directing to make

two fit naked people the exact opposite of sexy.

[Mike] Camera man couldn't take it.

Ducked out for a smoke.

[Kevin] This is fresh air.

(phone ringing)

Come on Joe.

(phone ringing)

[Bill] Joe not owning a water bed is the

least realistic thing in this movie.

(Kevin laughs)

Hello?

Listen. Get out of your house.

I mean leave fast. Get out fast man!

Guys are looking for you.

[Mike] Are you okay?

Did they hurt your gift? Your black gift?

What happened?

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Ah. Michael Bay and jean jacket Gallagher.

Thank god you're here.

♪ ♪

Come on just get out fast.

I can explain later okay?

They're coming after you.

[Bill] No time to put on your speedo!

♪ ♪

Looks like they're already here.

Gotta go.

[Mike] Sneaky sneaky.

You can't see me.

(Kevin laughs)

♪ ♪

[Kevin] I liked it better when we didn't know what

he was wearing under those jeans.

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

[Bill] I never..finished..infinite chess.

(splashing)

[Mike] You'd better take care of that before tonight or

he's gonna end up with a pool full of racoons.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Hey! Nice home gym boss!

Want to do some chin ups?

[Mike] How dare you!

[Bill] No daring.

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

[Kevin] Hey come on! I got you! You're dead!

[Mike] No you're dead!

[Kevin] No!

(gun shots)

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

[Mike] James Clevell's Show Gun didn't have nearly

enough Miami Vice style gun fights.

Listen don't worry.

Get back inside.

[Kevin] A crime syndicate trying to kill us with guns.

Stop worrying!

[Bill] Baby.

You'll never get away from me.

[Mike] Huh.

Well he actually did get away from me.

I gotta start making claims I can back up.

Johnny come on.

[Kevin] Johnny get your gun!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Bill] Soundtrack by a guy who spends three hours trying

out instruments at Guitar Center then doesn't buy anything.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Getaway in the unguarded car?

Does this bastard know his sun su or what?

[Kevin] Never.

Hi mom.

Where the hell have you been?

I've been worried sick about you?

There's nothing to worry about.

[Kevin] I'd tell you about the attempted murder but

you'd just make a big deal about it.

Very angry.

He made arrangements for your birthday.

He got you presents!

I don't care.

I don't want him to ever do anything for me again.

[Bill] Mom stick her finger in an electric socket.

I don't give a damn.

You know why?

Because I'm in love.

[Mike] Well now I regret having your face tattooed on my butt.

I should fire both of you.

You never brought me one of those bats alive so

I could nail them with something.

And because of you I'm about to be fired.

I'm gonna lose my pension.

That means my future's gone.

[Kevin] I'm gonna have to sell my miniatures collection.

You know something?

I don't give a fuck!

(Kevin and Mike laugh)

[Bill] The man!

I want you to find that mother fucking Japanese gangster.

(all guys laugh)

I want you to kill him and I want you

to kill every one of his men.

I want you to turn his house into a blood bath.

Don't leave anybody alive!

[Mike] Find an apple in the fridge

take one bite and put it back!

And all three of us will turn out badges in.

Say goodbye to it.

We'll be off this police force for good.

[Kevin] I can finally return this vest and tie

to Jay Jonah Jameson.

Alright.

See you Captain.

See you in hell.

Let's go Frank.

[Bill] Surprisingly easy to talk Joe and Frank into mutliple

homicides, unemployment and hell!

(Kevin laughs)

[Mike] Yeah so anyway.

The kid at the counter goes "Maybe it's none of my business

but have you ever tried Garnier Fruictiesse?

I think it could really help with your fly away issues."

And I'm all like you're speaking my language little dude.

But does it give good bounce?

And he's "More bounce than a Harlem Globetrotters game!"

(Bill and Kevin laugh)

Anyway.

Garnier Fruictiesse.

For stronger, healthy, shinier hair.

[Kevin] Wow! Great story man!

Thanks!

Why did you come under?

Because I'm an undercover cop.

[Bill] Ha! A little dad humor to lighten the mood

before the blood soaked massacre.

♪ ♪

[Mike] It appears the real criminal here is whoever is

charging Mr Fukiyama for lawn care and landscaping.

Just look at those bare patches and foot compaction.

[Kevin] I don't know Mike.

A little over seeding should take care of it.

[Mike] Over seeding?

That's your answer for everything!

[Kevin] Well it's more prudent first step than a total re-sod

which is always what you want!

[Bill] Guys, guys guys!

Not this again.

(gun shots)

[Mike] Me?

Oh just fiddling with a gun here

in front of my mom curtains.

Where's the girl?

She's down in the basement.

The mother?

Being kept in the villa.

Use it. Finish them.

Okay boss.

[Kevin] Wait! We have a villa?

When did we get a villa?

Go watch the other door.

Okay boss.

[Bill] Incredibly that was only the fifth

worst hair in this movie.

(gun shots)

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

Go behind you. Get back.

[Mike] (laughs) Sounds like Joe got shot in the voice.

[Kevin] Get back.

(repeated gun shots)

(repeated gun shots)

[Kevin] This is how I respond every time someone asks me

to drive them to the airport.

[Bill] Noted for the future.

[Kevin] Yes.

♪ ♪

Drop it!

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

[Mike] Ooo! A sexy death!

[Bill] Let's get it on!

[Kevin] Oh yeah!

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

[Mike] You know one of the benefits of the gang is that

you can overwhelm opponents with superior numbers.

[Kevin] Nope nope. One goon at a time.

That's how we do it.

(gun shots)

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

[Bill] Atherosclerosis I win.

(gun shots)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Mike] I'm the Mr. Fujiama of my larping group.

(gun shots)

(gun shots) ♪ ♪

(gun shots) ♪ ♪

[Kevin] Parker Lewis! No!

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

[Bill] Hmm. Looks like he can and did lose!

After all!

♪ ♪

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

[Mike] What if two embarrassing senior class portraits

came to life and tried to kill each other?

(gun shots)

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Ah. Ceramic dog statue.

Painting of geese.

Faux pillar and table of floral display.

All classic elements of the villain's innermost sanctum.

♪ ♪

Alright Samurai!

Drop your gun!

Or your sweetheart will be dead!

[Bill] Ruth Gordon's been dead for years you SOB!

Get out of this country.

I thought you were fond of her.

Yes I was before you came in.

[Mike] I had a good thing going.

Putting severed heads on my piano and all.

Her life not me.

Neither do I.

♪ ♪

Drop it!

[Kevin] Drop it and move away from the arty shot.

I repeat! Move away from the arty shot.

Take it easy Frank.

Go ahead and shoot.

Her head will be blown off before I go down.

Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hold on.

[Bill] This is an unsanctioned extra legal blood orgy.

Let's not go off half cocked.

Well for one thing.

I don't want any more trouble with the police.

Bullshit.

The minute we disarm he's gonna shoot.

[Mike] How do they get the dog in the corn dog?

There's no hole?

It doesn't make any.

Ah! Keep focused man!

Drop the gun Frank.

I don't want Jennifer hurt.

He's not stupid.

[Kevin] Isn't he?

He doesn't want to do the killing himself.

Go ahead and drop it Frank.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Shouldn't he be giving a speech about how

he and Joe really aren't that different?

You're not as smart as I thought you were.

Your sentiment always gets in the

way of your intelligence.

(gun shot)

[Mike] Frank! No!

An only undetermined but probably still substantial

number of days from retirement.

It's your turn now cop! Say Sayonara!

No!

[Kevin] Your catch phrase is such a cliche!

♪ ♪

Frank you alright man?

Yeah.

[Bill] Fortunately his bullet was blocked by my pancreas.

Well he was smart in every way.

Except one thing.

What's that?

[Mike] His retirement savings.

Almost all of it in money market accounts.

Classic error.

To do what?

Put on a bullet proof vest man.

Let's go home.

I got one more thing to take care of.

What?

Yamashida. He's still alive.

[Kevin] I can't live with myself knowing there's something out there

that I haven't murdered.

[Mike] May my saliva protect you.

(Kevin laughs)

♪ ♪

Hey come on!

It's lunch time!

[Bill] We're in the middle of a James Elroy style police massacre.

But sure! Let's break for sandwiches!

♪ ♪

[Mike] This movie allocated ninety percent of its budget

for black sleeveless t shirts and the rest

for literally everything else.

(Kevin laughs)

[Kevin] Yes. Samurais.

Of course famous for their sneaking abilities.

Unlike any other legendary Asian warrior you could possibly name.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Dirty sweatpants.

White sneakers. Pure danger.

Look out Joe!

Don't worry!

[Bill] Joe how many times do I have to tell you.

I am not Bobby McFarren?

Goddammit.

♪ ♪

(gun shot)

[Mike] Ah yes.

The worst desecration of the Indiana Jones

franchise before the crystal skull.

Hey guys!

Cops are here!

[Kevin] Hey thanks for the heads up cheech!

[Bill] The parkour for oafs video series sold very poorly.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Here's John-Damn cheap hinges!

(gun shots)

[Bill] Gave it a shot.

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

[Kevin] Ugh.

Members, only.

Ugh.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Joe Dirt please get off our roof.

(gun shot heard)

(gun shot)

[Mike] This is just the property owners checking to see if the movie's

done shooting so they can get back to their turnip farming.

[Kevin] Ah. Damn Color Me Bad wannabes.

Get out of here!

♪ ♪

[Bill] They've recruited this team from

a dive bar on a Tuesday morning.

(gun shots)

[Mike] At this point I don't know if anyone is gonna make it

to the Troy Corey show tonight.

[Bill] Oh no.

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

[Kevin] Oh he's a weeble!

Nope scratch that.

(gun shots)

[Bill] Where is anyone is in relation to each other?

Like gun fight at the MC Esher Corral.

(gun shots)

[Mike] Oh man.

Looks like Samurai Cop is in for a serious break dancing challenge.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] You've always been my favorite.

I mean that.

♪ ♪

[Bill] What?

Speak up.

I can't understand what you're saying.

What? Oh!

Sneak up quietly! I gotcha!

Yamashida's here.

Watch out.

Let's split up.

[Mike] It's not you, it's me.

[Bill] Baby babe!

(gun shots)

[Kevin] Quick check for a spare hedge trimmer.

(gun shots)

[Bill] The tree's hit and bleeding bad!

(gun shots)

(gun shots)

[Mike] At this point I can officially say I

miss that flamboyant waiter and would much,

much rather see what he's up to.

(gun shots)

(glass shatters)

[Kevin] Huh.

I guess Giuliani was right about the broken window theory.

♪ ♪

[Bill] What Randy Quaid's neighbor sees.

♪ ♪

Go get my sword.

Hey Joe!

[Mike] Can you dub my voice while I go take a leak?

Let's see how good you are with a sword Samurai super cop!

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Fell in quicksand.

One sec.

Come on try me!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Bill] Whoa! Phew!

Almost fell off the cliff.

Anyway.

No!

Ironic cliff falls are the worst!

♪ ♪

[Mike] Say I bet I could return this to Party City for store credit.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] And now my elbow crease is perfectly

lubricated with blood and sinew.

Heh heh heh.

[Bill] Oh! Why did they have to shoot in widescreen?

Be closer!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Bill] Oh come on!

If this was filmed with a vertical IPhone

you'd be fighting already!

[Mike] Now watch as I unleash the deadly force of a drum majorette.

[Kevin] He's not so much a Samurai cop as he is a Nerf fencing cop.

[Bill] Or a partially unraveled cardboard tube cop.

[Mike] I'd say moldy pool noodle floating in sewage

outside a condemned YMCA cop.

(swords clinking)

♪ ♪

Ahh!

[Kevin] They just harmonize their grunting!

♪ ♪

(smack)

(smack)

[Bill] Sound effects on loan from the game Final Fight.

(smack)

(smack)

(smack)

♪ ♪

[Mike] Sure I could shoot the bad guy and end all this.

But then Joe would give me that "Oh really?" look.

Ahh!

[Kevin] Oh cool!

Maybe he'll get super powers like Dare Devil or Ray Charles.

(smack)

(grunting)

[Bill] Tank tops are my thing!

(grunting)

[Mike] Ahh! Ahh!

Oh there it is.

♪ ♪

(Kevin laughs)

[Kevin] Beard versus hair.

The final showdown!

(swords clinking)

[Bill] (singing) Cinderella dressed in yellow

went upstairs to kiss her.

Oo!

(smack)

(smack)

(smack)

[Mike] Man! What a slugfest!

I'm sorry I'm just looking at the line up they

announced for this year's slugfest.

Garden slug's gonna be there.

Northern tree slug.

Common keel slugs doing a reunion show.

[Kevin] Would you put that flyer away? Give me that!

[Bill] Ugh I'm dead.

Wait now. Wait.

Yes.

No.

You lost.

You lost face.

[Mike] Well he's got plenty to spare.

[Bill] Oh ho!

Set him up!

You know the code of the bushida?

Kill me.

[Kevin] Yeah he said the same thing on the

set of Soul Taker when Estevez

would bitch about his brother.

[Mike] Kill me.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Possibly the only beheading video

to feature button fly jeans.

♪ ♪

No Joe! You're a cop!

[Mike] Oh yeah you're right.

I wish I had a nick name that reminded me of that fact.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Well.

Ah too bad he wasn't allowed to use suicide knife during the fight.

It's only for suicides.

What are you doing?

[Bill] Rules are rules.

Leave him alone.

He's a Samurai.

He wants to die with honor.

(grunting)

[Bill] Not typically a sound associated with honor.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Hey.

Remember how he honorably poured hot grease on a helpless woman?

Such honor.

[Bill] Honor the code.

[Kevin] Uh huh!

Guys I think this might be it.

Closing pan across the beach and then we find.

(all guys) Yow!

[Bill] Hinies!

[Kevin] Ugh!

♪ ♪

[Bill] Now comes the controversial bathing suit switching scene.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Oh my god!

[Kevin] Yeah it's not a pretty sight

[Mike] Slugfest just announced Morton's salt as corporate sponsor.

Are they completely tone deaf?

This is gonna alienate!

[Kevin] Give me that other flyer.

Where do you keep getting these?

♪ ♪

[Bill] Yep.

When they're aroused, women go (snoring noises)

Right?

(waves crashing)

[Mike] Ah.

And as we say goodbye to those flowing locks and bronzer.

If you happened upon this riff without paying for it, we ask that you

head on over to rifftrax.com/donate and make it right.

So sayeth the code of the Samurai.

[Kevin] I thought the Samurai code was " I can read eyes".

[Bill] You sure it's not "Have you been circumcised?

[Mike] It is neither of those.

We'll see you next time on Rifftrax

And slugfest!

[Kevin] So long you son of a bitches!

(end credit jazzy music plays) ♪ ♪

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It's time for Rifftrax!

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