Original subtitles

[Sighing]

. I have done it, hank! I have finally done it

I have gotten someone to respond to my letter.

You see, Peggy?

You just needed to find a pen pal

with as much free time as you have.

No. I sent song lyrics to every major country music star,

and I finally got this from mr. Randy Travis.

Randy Travis?

[Sighs] Oh, ok!

"Dear song writer, we regret to inform you," blah, blah

"legal reasons" blah, blah, "never read it" blah, blah, blah. Ok.

"Once again, good luck with your songwriting career.

Signed, rob readers of the law firm readers and anatole."

Huh, kind of sounds to me like randy Travis' lawyer

sent you a rejection letter.

[Chuckling] Oh, hank, they have to say that.

Travis loved my lyrics.

He called me a songwriter.

He said I have a career in front of me, and you know what?

He is right.

[Man whoops]

We've had many great suggestions

for our church bus trip this year.

And we decided to go

to country music fan fair in Nashville, Tennessee.

I win! Huh, that was my suggestion.

Thank you, assistant pastor ray burn.

For those of you who don't know, I am Peggy hill.

And fan fair is a 4-day festival

where we will get to meet our favorite country music stars

including my friend randy Travis.

Ok, may god look upon you with kindness, and give you peace.

Amen. You are now dismissed.

[Church organ playing]

Connie, I'm gonna miss you so much.

I got you this phone card at the mall.

It's good for 10 minutes and has tony danza's picture on it.

Connie, my girl, Buddha broke the mold when he made you.

[Moaning]

Ok, people! 2-minute warning.

Please see me for your seat assignments before you get on the bus.

I was planning to let people sit wherever they wanted.

Like church.

[Chuckling] Church is not a field trip.

And as a country songwriter,

I also know Nashville.

Oh, Peggy,

I'm the assistant pastor of this congregation,

and I did go to divinity school in Nashville

where I wrote a hymn or 2.

Yes. But you did not get a letter from randy Travis. And I did.

[Whistling] On the bus!

[People chattering]

Good morning, fan fairers and fan fairees.

I will be calling out various highlights

of our 14-hour trip to Nashville.

Our first stop will be the world's largest fiberglass raven

which is also the largest raven I have ever seen.

Congratulations to eustace miller,

who came closest with a guess of 61.

The number I was thinking of was 64.

Yes!

Hank, is she gonna play camp counselor

through the entire state of Arkansas?

Oh, come on, dale! She's just havin' fun.

Think of another number, Peggy.

Hello, mr. So up ha no us in phone. Is Connie there?

Connie, uh, she's not here. She's, uh...

where is she?

If Connie want to go swimming all afternoon with chane Wusonasong,

that her business. Enjoy your hillbilly festival.

(tony) Hey, this is tony danza.

You've got 8 minutes left.

(Peggy) On behalf of fan fair,

let me be the first to welcome you

with a little song, written by Peggy hill.

♪ Fan fair can be fun fair ♪

♪ but if you don't put your turning light ♪

♪ well, that's unfair? ♪

(Peggy) Thank you.

Dinner's ready!

I hope you brought your appetites.

We are having spa-Peggy and meatballs.

Did she say "spa-Peggy"?

Well, "spa-Peggy" is a lot like spaghetti.

I'm not sure what Peggy does different.

If anything.

. (hank) But it's the one dish she's kind of made her own

well, hi there, cowboy. Now, who's this pretty girl? Your wife?

[Guffawing]

We're not married. We're just sharing a tent.

And we're cousins.

Can you just sign our books and we'll be on our way?

Whoa! W-What's the trouble, bubble?

Oh, I think my girlfriend left me.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it's gonna be just a little while.

We got a situation here.

(Dunn) So every time you call, mr. Superphone tells you

that connie's out with this chane fella?

He said, for the first time in her life, connie's actually happy.

It sounds like her daddy is usin' his chane to yank your chain.

Kix is right. Heck, I got a teenage daughter at home,

and every time her boyfriend calls,

I say she's out with brad pitt!

[Exclaims]

I love brad pitt.

Your daughter is so lucky.

No, luanne, don't you get it?

Connie and I are back together.

Look, look, it's really him.

It's randy Travis, just like on the album cover.

Oh, take a picture of me giving him my lyrics.

Someday my fans will want to remember this moment. Wait.

Oh!

♪ If you want to be my lady ♪

Oh!? you're gonna have?

I'll take my sandwich now.

[Shushing]

♪ What you see is what I'll always be ♪

♪ this is just the way god made me? ♪

[Gasps]

Y-you know, there is a line here.

[Grunts]

What the...

you stole my song!

No, no, no. No, you don't understand. I am not the bad guy.

Hank, will you say something?

Why did you punch randy Travis?

This is just the way god made me.

I wrote that.

(Teri) Excuse me, fellas. Hold up a second.

I'm mr. Travis's manager. Randy would like to speak to the lady.

[Hank sighing] ...and we completely understand

if you don't wanna give us an autograph.

I have proof of your thievery.

You said I had a promising songwriting career.

Now, how do you plead?

I don't plead anything, ma'am.

I never saw your song.

This is a form letter from my guard-dog lawyers.

If I had a dime for every song a fan sent me

I'd be dolly part on rich.

Well, that explains it. Thank you.

Not to me it does not.

You think this is the first time

2 songwriters came up with similar lyrics?

Stand by your man, Tammy wynette.

Understand your man, johnny cash.

? Do you see a pattern here

yes, but this is just the way god made me

is uniquely Peggy hill.

You see, I grew up in Montana and I had very big feet.

I still do.

And when other kids would make fun of me,

my grandma told me to tell them:

"This is just the way god made me."

And today I am able to pass that wisdom on to my students.

Good for you. Teaching is important.

Hank, what do you do for a livin'?

I sell propane and propane accessories.

Ah, propane salesman! Now, that's something that would make a good song.

I have been saying that for years.

[Chuckles] Me, too.

Bobby, I put out 2 of your mom's apple brown Bettys.

Now, I'm no mathematician, but there's only one here now.

Did you eat the other one?

I can see how you might jump to that conclusion

given last night's cupcake incident.

And, yes, I did take the apple brown Betty

but it's for brooks and Dunn, to thank them for easing my pain.

(Peggy) Dinner!

(ray burn) Lord, thank you for the food we're about to eat,

for the quick-moving line at the sawyer brown booth,

for the calm skies...

and please, god, please punish randy Travis

for stealing my song.

(all) Amen.

[Sighs]

?? [playing]

[Crowd cheering]

And miss faith hill strained her vocal cords

cheerin' on her team at the celebrity softball game.

Her team still lost, thanks to a costly error by garth brooks.

[Crowd booing]

As pretty as faith is, we've got someone almost as pretty.

Mr. Randy Travis.

[Crowd cheering]

I'm surprised randy Travis isn't still at the game stealing bases.

Oh, come on, Peggy. This is our vacation.

Can't we just have a good time?

Look, you can have whatever kind of time you like.

I am gonna sit here and boo.

Would a couple of beers help the situation?

Boo! Boo!

Sure would help me.

?? [music continues playing]

[Horse neighs]

Careful where you step, Lisa.

That john Michael montgomery's been ridin' that horse of his around here.

Whoa!

Dadgum it, john Michael!

Clint, I don't want a horse for my birthday.

Oh, you got it, honey.

(bobby) Ideally, I would have gotten brooks and Dunn

matching fan fair water bottles

but I didn't have $40.

. This brown Betty was priced to move

[exclaims]

Let's stuff it back in the pan.

Nobody will know the difference.

[Horse neighing]

(charlie) Excuse me, partner. You mind if I

step in front of you?

Well, I've been waiting... oh, my god! You're charlie Daniels.

Mr. Daniels, uh, I'm a huge fan.

It would be an honor to let you cut in front of me.

Well, I appreciate it. I tell you what.

Why don't you let me get you somethin', too? What are you drinkin'?

Oh, an alamo, please.

Let me have a coke with no ice.

. And an alamo for my new friend here

that'll be $4, slim.

[Whistling]

Yay!

Thank you very much. You're very kind.

Hey, this next one's got a little story behind it.

When I was a kid, you see, I spent a lot of time in Montana.

Cold, cold winters up there.

When I was 9 or 10, my feet were growing just a little bit faster than the rest of me.

What?

I mean, I had big feet.

We're talking like bozo size, folks.

And when the other kids would make fun of them, you see, my dad

[gasps]

Told me, "you tell them, 'this is just the way god made me.'"

[Crowd cheering]

But, oh, but, but that's my story!

2, 3, 4.

?? [playing]

♪ I have a boggle trophy ♪

♪ on my bedroom shelf? ♪

Hank! Hank!

(bobby) So I called and connie's dad answered.

I disguised my voice and said I was from.

. Who's who in American middle school students

he put me right through.

That only works once.

And thanks for the brown Betty.

Thanks for boot scootin' boogie.

All right. Let's dig into that apple Betty.

Hey, get your own. The boy gave it to me.

. It was meant for both of us

well, you kept the sweater that girl from Syracuse gave us.

Well, how am I supposed to share a sweater, kix?

? You want me to rip it in half

umm, this is good pie.

[Exclaims]

Hank, where were you?

Travis told my story.

He said that it happened to him.

He stole boggle, he stole Montana he stole my big feet!

[Shushing]

Who said that? Who... who said that?

All right. Let's go outside.

I cannot believe you are siding with Travis. I... I am your wife!

Look, I believe you believe you wrote that song.

And I believe you believe he stole your story.

But that doesn't make it true.

So, I'm a liar?

? Why would I make this up, hank

[sighing] Well, Peggy,

you've got a pretty high opinion of yourself and I...

oh, then I should have a low opinion of myself?

Is that what you're saying?

No, no, not at all.

It's just that you've done so much in your life,

you don't need to take credit for things you haven't done.

Like writing that song

and, you know, the other stuff.

What other stuff?

Well, like dinner.

I mean, I think it's cute

that you call it spa-Peggy and meatballs

but you know, it's just noodles and tomato sauce

and balls of meat.

But then I add just the right amount of sugar

and grated parmesano cheese.

Ok. When we were setting up camp,

you said that in your opinion

kindling is the best wood to start a fire.

Well, isn't it, hank?

Of course it is, but it's not your opinion.

It's a known fact. And now you say randy Travis has taken

your childhood and calling it his own.

It's getting crazy.

[Gasping] So, now I'm crazy?

Well, gray area.

. I told you the truth, hank

if I am lying, may god strike me down right now.

Ha!

[Sighs]

This is mockingbird calling the sparrow.

(bill) Hi, dale. Use code names, bill.

I'm mockingbird.

Sorry, dale.

Oh, hey, pegwin. Where's the big bird?

Hank and I are spending the rest of the fan fair apart

because of randy Travis.

He took me back to his trailer and lied to my face.

I'd like to spit on that trailer.

Ah, what would that solve?

We ought to wrap the trailer in toilet paper.

I think I have some left over from the billy ray Cyrus job.

Yes, I like that. I like that a lot.

(hank) All right, just one more.

Then I've gotta go find Peggy.

Everybody smile.

You're not smiling, mr. Brooks.

[Brooks retching]

[Grunts]

(Peggy) Mockingbird, this is the pegwin.

We are at 50% tissue coverage.

Morale is high. How's Travis?

(dale) Contained.

I will secure an autograph made out to all of us.

It will be our alibi. Out.

Ok, bill, throw it. Throw it back over.

I did a minute ago. It should have landed by now.

[Sighing] Boomhauer, give me a boost.

Ah, it's ok. I'll get it.

[Grunts]

Do you see it?

[Bill screams]

[Peggy shrieks]

[Gasps]

[Grunting]

[Peggy panting]

[Grunting]

Well, it never would have happened if he hadn't stolen my song.

Hey! Hey! Somebody help.

Get me outta here!

Get... help me get out!

(Peggy) And remember, not one word.

As I like to say, "what is done is done."

[Sighing]

Peggy, where have you been?

We dumped randy travis's trailer in the lake.

You what?

He stole peggy's song.

[Dale snickers]

Look at handsome randy Travis.

I'd like to see his chiseled face

when he goes back to that trailer.

Where are you lookin', dale? Randy Travis' booth is empty.

(dale) Na-ah.

I got his autograph. It's our alibi.

This says, "best regards, the oak ridge boys."

I-isn't he the one with the beard?

(randy) My door is locked. I can't get out.

(hank) Oh, god! Oh! Oh!

[Water bubbling]

Please be ok. Please, please be ok.

Why would he toilet-paper and then drive

his own traile r into the lake?

Puzzling.

[People chattering]

? Oh, hank, what is taking so long

[hank gasps]

[Hank panting]

I was takin' a nap.

The trailer must have come off the blocks.

Next year I'm gonna hire somebody to set it up.

Hank, I am so, so sorry.

[Hank sighs]

(hank) Peggy said it was an accident, but I don't know.

She thinks randy travi s stole her song lyrics

and maybe that sen t her over the edge.

Hank, rev. Schuller once delivered a sermon.

That came straight from my Christmas card

but I didn't throw a rock through the crystal cathedral.

Well, I might have made things worse.

I said some awful things to her, pastor Larry.

I told her she's not as great as she thinks she is.

. Better she hears it from someone she loves

maybe she did try to drown randy Travis.

Uh, no, what am I saying? She'd have to be crazy.

But maybe the fact that her husband

didn't support her could have...

no, peggy's not crazy.

[Chuckles]

Right?

So, doc, in your opinion,

, had he shared some of the brown Betty

would he have gotten quite this sick?

Ronnie, please, I'm very ill.

What was in that brown Betty, anyway?

Um, I don't know.

. My mom made it

aunt Peggy, what are you doin' here?

Randy Travis is gonna bring uncle hank up on stage any minute

to thank him for saving his life.

Well, hank doesn't want me anywhere near the final jam concert.

He said he was afraid I'd take a swing at faith hill

for stealing our last name.

[Crowd cheering]

(m.c.) One more time for martina McBride!

(martina) Thank you. This next act has been featured

on the cover of over 20 million boxes of corn flakes.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dunn!

[Crowd cheering]

(hank) "To hank hill, love, wynonna."

[Chuckles] Thank you.

I'm gonna hang this in my garage.

Now, you'll think about what I said?

I was raised with charcoal.

I'll die with charcoal. So back off!

Mr. Hill, I'm trooper Larson with the Tennessee state police.

, we received a tip that your wife, Peggy hill

might try to harm mr. Randy Travis.

A tip? Who told you that?

I did. What?

You can't do that.

I'm sorry, hank.

Your wife's nuts. She's a threat to others.

We don't know that.

Nobody can really replace kix brooks.

But would you all mind if randy Travis gave it a try?

[Crowd cheering]

Mr. Hill, do you know where your wife is?

? Do you see somethin', sir

there she is. That's Peggy hill.

(Larson) Mrs. Hill.

Oh, no.

Peggy, I thought we agreed you weren't gonna come

to the final jam concert.

I am here to see randy Travis.

I have something special to give to him.

(Larson) Ma'am, I'd like you to come down

to the police tent with me. What?

Well, I'm here to apologize.

Look, I brought him an apple brown Betty.

Homemade.

[Sighing] All right.

You see that? It's just a pie.

No knife, even.

Apple brown Betty.

Kix brooks was poisone d by a homemade

apple brown Betty fitting this description.

Peggy, what did he do to you?

This is Larson. I'm gonna need backup.

(dale) This is mockingbird. Who's Larson?

Ma'am, place the baked goods on the table and take a step back, please.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Randy Travis stole my song, but I am not going to kill him.

I am not crazy.

Well, yeah, Peggy. I... I mean...

[titters]

Tell them, hank.

(Larson) Let's go.

You and your brown Betty are coming down to the station.

(hank) Wait. She's not crazy.

I'll just take her home.

No. We have to test the pie.

What if I eat a piece of this brown Betty and I'm ok?

Then it'll prove my wife's telling the truth, right?

(Peggy) Hank, don't!

It's for randy Travis.

(Larson) Mr. Hill, don't.

There's already one man in the hospital.

?? [music playing]

[Gulps]

Now, that is a good piece of pie. I tell you what.

They ought to change the name to apple brown Peggy.

No, it's an apple brown Betty.

. I just add a spoonful of orange juice

it's... well, nobody else does that.

[Crowd cheering]

And now I'd like to introduce y'all to hank hill.

A man who taught me just how precious life is.

You see, yesterday my trailer fell in the lake

and just as I was freeing myself, I saw this loyal fan

drowning in the water nearby.

And I saved his life.

I want to bring him up to sing with me.

Come on up here, hank.

[Crowd cheering]

(hank) Well, I'll punch him this time.

(Peggy) No, what's the use?

(randy) I have a boggle trophy?

On my bedroom shelf?

I won it on my own?

With help from no one else?

Still I know that I'm not perfect?

I have a flaw or two?

♪ But there's plenty of love here for you ♪

♪ from my head to my size 16 shoe? ♪