Original subtitles

[Squelching]

[Popping]

Oh, sweet lord!

Hello? Hank hill, strickland propane.

Unannounced service check.

We've got a storage tank situation

that requires immediate attention.

[Muffled screaming]

Someone here?

[Gasping]

Ah, mr. Winston, we've got a problem here.

When you replaced your regulator,

you didn't replace the copper pigtail

and now you've... oh, thank god!

Thank you, hank. You saved my life.

Heh, heh. A leaky pigtail's really more of a waste issue

than a safety issue.

I've been trapped in that dang freezer

since 2:00 in the morning.

I dropped a jar of ragu,

and the door slammed shut while I was moppin' it up.

If it weren't for you, I'd be dead.

Really?

I saved a life. How do you like that?

I like it a lot, hank.

Why don't you come bac k this weekend?

I'll give you dinner for 2 on the house.

What am I sayin'? You saved my life.

Dinner for 4.

(hank) And then I opened the freezer door

and damned if I didn't find a guy in a tuxedo.

Oh, hank, you could have been killed.

Now, promise me you will never do something like that again.

Well, hold on. To thank me for saving his life,

he's given me free dinner for 4

including drinks but not tip.

So, who should we invite?

Oh, I figured since it was for 4 people,

I'd take dale, bill, and boomhauer.

You can't go with the guys!

That's a more is the most romantic restaurant

in all of heimlich county.

You will take me,

and we will invite another couple to join us.

How about me and Connie?

We were just sayin' we don't go out enough with other couples.

You and Connie?

[Chuckles]

What on earth would we talk about?

Well, the upshot is the man's not dead

and I've got a free dinner for 4 at that's a more.

All right!

Way to go, hank!

We get to share a meal at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Sorry, Peggy wants it to be a couples date.

You know, with another couple.

(all) Oh!

Wait a minute.

I have a wife. We're a couple.

♪ I get a free meal! I get a free meal!? ♪

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

(Nancy) Who is it?

Dale gribble.

[Muttering] Oh, shoot.

Come in.

Sorry to interrupt your healin' session,

hey, john redcorn.

But hank and Peggy invited us to dinner Saturday night.

But Saturday is one of my john redcorn nights.

Sorry, sug'.

But, Nancy, maybe you should go.

What? No! I have an appointment with you.

For my migraines.

Yes, I know. It's just...

I've healed you 3 to 5 nights a week for many years.

I could really use a night off.

I don't understand.

Did I do something to upset you

as a patient?

No, of course not.

I love treating you for migraines.

Then what is it? It's nothing.

It's not nothing. It's just...

damn it! Can't I take a night off?

Do whatever you want.

I don't care.

Great! I'll tell 'em we're on.

Guess who's joinin' us for dinner?

Dale and Nancy.

She already told you?

Oh, my god! Hank, I was joking.

I didn't mean to invite him.

I wouldn't have even brought it up

if I remembered for a second that he was married.

Oh, they're not even a real couple.

Did you know she only sleeps with him

on his birthday and Christmas?

That's why she gets so depressed around the holidays.

[Crickets chirping]

Peggy.

Madam gribble.

Would you excuse me?

Boy! Her can looks so sexy when she's walkin' away,

it's almost a shame she's gonna turn around and come back.

[Coughing]

[Choking]

(john on answering machine) Hello, this is john redcorn.

If you're callin' about the car, it's already been sold.

Otherwise, please leave a message.

[Answering machine beeps]

John redcorn, it's me.

(Nancy) I guess you're out enjoying your night off.

Well, I miss you. I'll call you tomorrow.

[Sighs]

??[piano playing]

Hey, there, beautiful.

What are you drinkin'? Red wine?

Yep, red wine.

Take a hike.

The lady doesn't want to be bothered.

It's ok. I know him.

I have never seen this woman before in my life

except in my dreams.

??[playing]

[Inhaling]

You smell good.

Thank you.

[Inhaling]

I like your tie.

. Found it on the ground

haven't worn it since I was inaugurated president of the gun club.

I didn't know you were president.

Congratulations.

Oh, and congratulations to you

on your 79 percent accuracy rate

in predicting last month's weather.

You watch channel 84 action news with Miguel Hernandez?

I sort of have a crush on the weather gal.

Oh, I forgot you have brown eyes.

. They're so cute and close together

look at those two.

They're so happy it almost makes you forget their last 14 years.

Mmm-hmm.

Romance has a new address.

Yep.

This place sure is special.

Hank, would yo u like to dance?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm on my feet all day.

[Music continues playing]

[Diners exclaim]

Oh, yeah.

Self-taught.

I had a nice time tonight, sug'.

Yeah. Me, too.

Well, good night.

(Nancy ) dale.

(dale) Duh!

[Dale yells]

[Nancy sighs]

[Sighs]

Ok. Let's get started.

[Yawning]

Mmm.

[Gasps]

Oh, my god!

Boy, if they gave an olympic medal in sexual gymnastics,

I would have taken hom e the silver last night.

[Chuckling]

Yeah.

If you say so. I was pretty drunk.

Oh, I'd forgotten how comfortable your mattress is.

What is it? Sealy? Simmons? Serta?

Spring air? Stearns & foster?

I don't know.

Simmons, I bet.

Well, gotta go empty some glue traps over at the preschool

but I'll be thinkin' of you.

[Door closing]

. Morning, Nancy

you're up early, and so am i.

Morning.

? Oh, is something wrong

[sobbing] I slept with dale.

. Oh, my god! We forgot his birthday

oh, what if john redcorn finds out?

14 years we've been together

and I throw it all awa y for one night of reckless passion.

Nancy, now, you know my position on monogamy.

I am in favor of it.

This is your chance to give up the excitement of an affair

and have a normal life with your husband.

I'm sorry, sug'. Maybe monogamy works for you and hank,

but it does not work for me and dale and john redcorn.

Hey, baby. Daddy's home. You miss me?

Mmm.

John redcorn's comin' over tonight.

When are you leaving for the gun club?

Your headache's back?

But you felt fine when I left.

Wait a minute.

Every time I leave, you call john redcorn.

I know what's goin' on here.

Your headaches are a desperate bi d for my attentions.

But what do I do?

I pawn you off on some Indian healer

so I can have my dale time at the gun club.

Or breeding show-turtles.

Or on the internet, investigating unexplained phenomenon a.

God, I am so selfish!

[Gasps]

. Oh, stop blamin' yourself, sug'

in some ways this is my fault, too.

I don't deserve you.

Of course you do.

You are a sensitive, trusting, sweet, trusting man,

and I don't deserve you.

Are you sure you're not an alien?

'Cause you just abducted my heart.

Someone just had sex with his wife.

Dang, man! I tell you, old hank, man,

you go grab a little afternoon like that, man.

What? I didn't do-

me. Me! It was me!

You and... and Nancy? Are you sure?

Yeah, I thought you were withholding intimacy to preserve your life force.

I was.

But then hank had to go draggin' me and the old lady.

. To some Italian romanceria

next thing you know, we're on our 2nd honeymoon

only this time, no cruise ship, and I only vomited once.

(dale) I think I've finally gotten to the point

where I actually love her more than my mother.

[Sighs]

[Beeping]

I [Phone ringing

(answering machine) Hello. This is john redcorn.

If you're calling about the car, it's...

hello? Hello? Hello?

Yeah, hold on. Your message.

[Answering machine beeps]

(john) Sorry.

Um, I have to cancel tonight's session.

What?

I... I have a headache.

So? Just take an aspirin.

Here's the thing: I can't see you anymore.

Nancy, please.

Shut up, bill. I'm sorry, john redcorn.

(Nancy) There you are, sug'.

Who let you out of the house?

[Both moaning]

I [Clears throat

uh, Peggy and I sure did have a good time last night.

Oh, yeah. Dale and I had a good time last night, too.

[Both giggling]

[Giggling]

The 4 of us should get together again soon.

[Sighs]

??[music playing on stereo]

[Nancy whooping]

[Laughing]

Whoo.

[Groaning]

[Children laughing]

Whoo.

Hey, hank, why are you skating backwards?

[Laughing]

If I wanted to, I could.

I just think there are better things

the 4 of us could be doing together.

Are you suggestin' we swing?

I'm sorry. I don't share my Nancy with anyone.

I was not suggesting that at all.

You can't go back on it now.

It's already out there.

Nancy, I am so glad you finally took my advice

and decided to love dale.

And you know what?

I don't even mind doin' the right thing when it's this much fun.

[Exclaims]

Love train!

[Mimicking train horn]

??[love train by O'Jays playing]

♪ Start a love train, love train? ♪

[Window sliding]

[Gasps]

What the hell?

[Groans]

Where are my smokes?

Um, I think they're in the shower caddy.

[Groans]

[Door closing]

[Grunts]

What was he doing in your bed?

. Tell me he had a nightmare

I didn't mean to hurt you.

You have to believe me.

Do you love him?

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

[Screams]

[Grunting]

(dale) Huh, john redcorn?

I... I didn't...

I mean, I... I... I though t it was a burglar.

? Wha-what was he doing in our bedroom in the middle of the night

um, he was dropping off an insurance-claim form.

Damn my cat-like reflexes!

Chi-chi-cha!

Stop with the chi-chi-cha, sug!

[Groaning]

Everything's gonna be ok.

I'm here for you. So is dale.

Oh, god, oh, god, please don't sue!

[Grunts]

John redcorn, come back. I'm sorry!

You didn't do anything wrong.

[Tires screeching] I'm the one who kabonked him.

Hey, look.

We're brushin' our teeth together.

You think we should invite dale and Nancy

to join us? Wouldn't that be fun?

Obviously not, but I think that was your point.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm glad their marriage has stopped crumbling,

but when are these couples dates gonna end?

You know dale thought we wanted to swing?

Swing? Absolutely not.

? You get Nancy and I end up with dale

who's the clear winner there? Hmm? Dale!

It's just, seeing you like that

passed out on the floor, so vulnerable,

. Like a sexy wounded bear..

We've been through too much together to end it like this.

(Nancy) I want you back.

. I'm 36 years old. I don't need this crap

oh!

[Sobbing]

Was that john redcorn?

No.

Oh, yes.

How's he doin'?

I don't know. He hung up on me.

Maybe I should go over to his trailer and apologize.

No! I think maybe the best thing for you,

, for both of us

is to just let it go.

Promise me, dale.

Promise you'll let it go.

All he ever did was make your head feel better

and I go and make his head feel worse.

It's almost ironic.

[Birds chirping]

Hey, john redcorn.

. I came to apologiz e for beating you up

you didn't beat me up.

You snuck up behind me with a lamp.

Ok, I know you're mad at me right now

and probably a little scared,

and I feel horrible.

? Now, what do you say? Let's smoke 'em peace pipe

[sighs] Goodbye, dale.

Oh, come on.

How about you hit me on the head and we call it even?

This'll work.

[Grunting]

Oh, hitting you won't change anything.

I'll still be living in a trailer,

no wife, no land.

You know, over half of arlen used to belong to my people.

You come from money?

10 years ago I filed a lawsuit

against the bureau of Indian affairs,

but to this day,

. They refuse to return the land that's rightfully ours

hmm, have you tried using f.o.i.a.?

What?

Enacted in 1966,

the freedom of information act, or f.o.i.a.,

gives any citizen the right to request access

to federal agency records or information.

It's what I used when I took on the i.r.s.

For disallowin' my status as a tax-exempt church.

? Would you mind

bringing down the federal government?

Not at all.

Can I? No.

Please?

No.

Oh, come on.

If it'll shut you up.

Ha-ha.

(Nancy) Dale, dinner.

Have you sugs seen dale?

I can't see anything!

Geez, I hope he's not dead

or we'd have to cancel our couples date at the lake.

Damn.

Where have you been? I've been worried.

Well, not worried, lonely.

Oh, I was at, uh, uh, uh, at the gun club

playing Russian roulette.

Oh. Did you win?

You're not really familiar with the game, are ya?

No.

[Inhales] Yeah, I won.

[Chiming]

Fifth-ally, we don't live in communist china

and our Indians have rights which are...

[groaning]

Ah, you're pushing yourself too hard.

You must relax.

[Sighs]

Hmm. Oh, yeah.

Dale, you are a good man.

All this effort on behalf of my struggle

and you're not even a native American.

Isn't it time we put aside our differences?

On behalf of the white man,

I would like to formally apologize

for everything my people have done to your people.

And I would like to apologize for everything I've done to you

and your people.

(Nancy) Dale said he'd meet me here

after de-roaching the christian science reading room.

I feel like such a fool.

She feels like a fool?

I might as well be paddlin 9 a giant jackass around the lake.

[Chuckles] Well, he's not comin'.

And you wonder why I need 2 men?

One is always letting me down.

Uh, yeah. Ok, then.

That's it. We're goin' in.

Hank.

[Squeaking]

Nancy, going back to having dale

and john redcorn is not the answer.

There's an expression that I once heard.

It goes something like: "2's company, 3's a crowd." Hmm.

Well, I've heard another expression:

"The heart wants what it wants." woody Allen.

(Peggy) Nancy, wait! He married his daughter!

And done.

All it needs is your john Hancock, john redcorn.

[Doorbell ringing] Thank you again, dale.

The pizza, it's on me.

[Gasps]

I made a mistake.

I had it all and I threw half of it away.

All I want is it all again.

(john) Nancy, no.

(dale) Nancy?

Oh, my god, dale!

What are you doin' here?

Uh, dang christian scientists gave me a headache.

Then they wouldn't give me an aspirin, just a magazine,

so I thought redcorn could help.

A similar question would be: What are you doin' here?

Uh, uh, I have a headache, too.

A big migraine just snuck up on me.

Ow, ow, oh, it hurts.

Your headaches are back? But I thought...

aah, the swan boats. I completely forgot.

Now you got a migraine and it's all my fault.

I hope you're happy.

No.

. Ok, Nancy, here's the deal

I know I promised I wouldn't come here,

but 15 years of patient-healer relations.

. And I shatter it like so much lamp on scalp

I can't fix that lamp.

I tried, and I got a really bad shock.

But maybe I can put you two back together.

You came here for me?

For both of you.

What do you say, john redcorn?

Will you heal my wife, please?

No.

I'm sorry, but no.

You bastard!

After all the help I've given you?

Dale, you've become a true friend, which is wh y it would be

unprofessional of me to continue seeing your wife.

I understand.

Wait. I guess I could treat you.

I may not be a licensed new age healer,

but I think I've walked in on you guys often enough

to know what goes on in there.

Dale, the power to heal dwells not in the head or the hands,

but in the heart.

You are a good man, and you love Nancy very much.

And perhaps love is the strongest medicine of all.

[Snickers]

I'm sorry. It's just...

goodbye, Nancy.

Goodbye, john redcorn.

[Snickers]

I was gettin' a weird vibe in there.

You think he's gay?

??[living after midnight by Judas priest playing]

♪ loaded, loaded ♪

♪ I come alive in the neon light ♪

♪ that's when I make my moves right ♪

♪ living after midnight ♪

This is good.

This is dynamite.

♪ Lovin' till the morning? ♪

(dale) Love train, whoo, whoo!