Original subtitles

[Theme song]

So, you say Linda did your toes? She's a butcher.

[Connie chuckles]

Do you wanna do the New York T I mes crossword puzzle?

It's what New York couples do every Sunday.

Like Tony Randall and his wife.

[Bobby gasps]

I know what I'm doing this summer!

CONNIE: "Language Camp at Middlebury"?

It's not as much fun as that ad makes it look.

No. "The Stagedoor Pines Theater Camp."

BOBBY: "Perform comedy at a real former Catskills resort..."

"With counselors whose credits include The M I ke Doug I as Show..."

"And Make Me Laugh,"

I don't know, Bobby. It's still got the word "camp" in it.

- There might be some sports. - I'll fake a groin pull.

I've seen this Date li ne, That guy sneezes into the meat.

Bobby?

Did your grandfather send you more of those gentlemen's magazines?

"The New York T I mes Magaz I ne..."

"Published by the New York T I mes newspaper."

Oh, Bobby.

I wasn't reading the articles. There's this camp I wanna go to. See?

"Summer Comedy Camp"?

I'm sorry, Bobby. I don't fully understand what that is...

but I'm still gonna have to say no.

And I already put in a good word for you with Mr. Strickland...

about working with me this summer.

- I don't wanna be a tank wipe. - Sure you do.

Why don't you come by after school tomorrow...

and help us get ready for the big Grill-Stravaganza Sale?

You'll be paid in experience, and that is tax-free.

Now, this fixed maximum-liquid-level gauge, on the other hand...

is for propane tanks that have a dip tube welded in the vessel...

or where mounting is to be done at the maximum allowable filling level.

Any questions so far, Bobby?

What's a dip tube? What do you mean by "vessel"?

What's the maximum allowable filling level...

and isn't it about time for a coffee break? I'm fading here.

[Sighs]

[Cheerful instrumental music]

[Slurping]

[Gulps loudly]

[Joe Jack laughing]

Wipe out.

[Joe Jack humming]

[Hank gasps]

Bobby, stop it!

Those are propane accessories, and you will treat them with respect.

I may have been on the phone with our 12th-largest customer...

while you were in here horsing around, but someone was watching.

BOBBY: "Good wishes..."

"Texas Propane Dealers Association President Charlie Fortner."

Yep. He's the single most powerful man in Texas propane.

He's what Fritz Kubiac is to the county utility board.

So I heard.

HANK: I wonder if Fortner and Kubiac are allowed to fly on the same plane.

[Bobby sighs]

HANK: Buck, code double-red.

We just sold our last Wagner CharKing lmperiale.

Where's the dang truck with our re-supply?

It was supposed to be here an hour ago. I don't know...

Excuse me. I am here to buy a Wagner CharKing lmperiale...

as advertised.

My satisfaction depends on it.

Dale, go home.

Bait and switch.

BOTH: Bait and switch.

No. There was no switch.

It's bait and bait.

ALL: [Chanting] Bait and switch.

We have many other excellent grills. Please...

Tell your daddy to throw in his apron. His weenie roast is going bye-bye.

Wait a sec. I've got an idea. Spatulas.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Hot!

[Blowing furiously]

Bobby?

BOBBY: Follow my lead.

I am The Great Gashead.

He's The Great Gashead.

[Singing] I am The Great Gashead and I'm here to say.

Gr ill s are com I n'and they're on the way.

Dear Lord. Do not make fun of propane.

Do not make fun of propane.

[Singing] A who I e truckfu I and that's not a few.

Twenty to 40,000 BTU.

[All laughing]

[Hank laughing heartily]

You're laughing?

I don't know, it's just that...

he's got that tank, and...

Great Gashead. I love it.

God help me, I love it.

BOBBY: Thank you. I thank you.

Bobby, you're a funny boy.

I used to chase skirt with your granddaddy.

He's a mean kind of funny.

The point is, you kept them laughing till the truck came.

I'm thinking maybe we should send those fellas up to Strickland North.

STRICKLAND: It's like a funeral parlor whenever I go there.

Yeah, we could do a few sketches, a little improv, wear some wigs.

And you will be called "The Propane Maniacs."

No, The Propaniacs.

That's great, Bobby. Here's to The Propaniacs!

ALL: The Propaniacs!

The Propane Maniacs!

I called the assistant manager up at Strickland North.

Things are bad up there, Bobby. It's in the heart of charcoal country.

I should probably work up some more gas-related material.

It's weird, but I don't even...

totally understand what propane is.

No one will ever totally understand Sweet Lady Propane...

but here's what we do know.

It's defined chemically as C3H8...

and has an energy content of...

flame waiting, tobacco-curing, and defoliation.

All propane is produced from two sources: Crude oil...

All right. Now we're talking. Crude oil's got the "K" sound.

I could work with that. You see, your "K" is your funniest sound.

Ketchup, kangaroo, Krug Vapor Compressor.

Krug Compressor. There's two "K" sounds in that one.

[Hank laughing]

So, that's how comedy works, huh?

It's also crucial to end on a big joke.

In improv, we call it a "blackout."

They actually turn out the lights after a big laugh to end the scene.

- Boy, you sure know your comedy. - I study the masters.

Gleason had six different bus uniforms, depending on his weight.

Six. That's kind of a "K" sound.

[Music playing on synthesizer]

Sorry, Dale. You have to work at Strickland to be in the group...

except for Luanne. She's in, or Buck won't pay for t-shirts.

I'm way funnier than Luanne. Watch. Bill, get a beer.

[Comical tune playing on synthesizer]

[Bill humming and giggling]

See? It just makes things more comedic.

HANK: Bobby, you awake?

HANK: Yeah, me, too.

I must be a little jazzed up about your first show.

I was just going over the act in my head.

It takes a while 'cause I hold for laughs.

Now, I hope these people in your head are laughing with propane and not at it.

Yeah. Not like with butane and those other bastard gases.

[Hank laughing]

Blackout.

[Both laughing]

[Popular '80s pop tune playing]

ALL: [Singing] The Propan I acs, Propan I acs on the f I oor.

And we'll make you I augh and I augh and I augh some more.

We're the Propan I acs.

[Singing] An I acs.

ALL: [Singing] For sure.

I f you're sad, we've got the gas that I s the cure.

Propan I acs, yeah.

[All clapping and cheering]

[Upbeat music playing on synthesizer]

Don't stick a fork in me. I'm not done yet.

He'd be done if you'd used propane.

[Dramatic instrumental music playing]

[Upbeat pop instrumental music]

Excuse me. Could you assist my son with his gas?

[Dale mimicking farting sound]

[Audience laughing]

I only sell C3H8.

That smells like CH4.

I need a new diaper. Baby did a bad, bad thing.

[All laughing]

It is a fart joke, Hank.

[Laughing heartily]

[Upbeat pop instrumental music]

I am Hazmat the Magnificent. The first envelope, please.

The first envelope.

Butane, charcoal and your mother-in-law.

"Name three things you'd hate to have at your Fourth-of-July barbecue."

[Upbeat pop instrumental music]

All right, guys, listen up.

This came today from the Texas Propane Dealers Association.

It says in part:

"We hope you'll accept our invitation..."

"To perform at the upcoming Southwest Propane Gas Trade Show..."

"And Conference in Arlington."

HANK: Signed, "Sincerely, Charlie Fortner, President."

"Dictated, not read."

[All cheering]

I've never met a president before.

Met Patrick Swayze, but he don't... I mean, he's not...

I met Fortner twice.

When he shakes your hand, boy, it stays shook.

BOBBY: Okay, we're gonna ride the horse that got us here.

We'll open with "Gas Cop," then do "Big Baby"...

then right into "Chasing Bratwurst."

You know what I was thinking might be funny?

We got Charlie Fortner in the audience, and he's a funny guy.

- Let's put him on stage. - He could be the Gas Cop.

Better yet, he could be arrested by the Gas Cop.

[Laughing heartily]

Joe Jack arresting Charlie Fortner.

[Joe Jack gasps]

HANK: Charlie's gonna get a big kick out of that, I tell you what.

- You want me to frisk Mr. Fortner? - It'll be great.

Now, listen up, everybody.

Here's what we'll do when Fortner comes up,

He doesn't want someone like me touching him.

I'm just a driver. My mom's his cleaning lady.

BOBBY: Smiling. You're a hanging judge. And don't give Fortner...

[Audience murmuring]

Wait a minute. Where's Joe Jack?

He was drinking from his mini-canteen out in the parking lot...

and then he was smashing car windows.

I wasn't gonna say nothing.

Oh, God. It's probably pre-show jitters.

HANK: Dale, do not start the show yet. DALE: Got you.

[Lively beat playing]

[Stutters]

Too I ate, I can't stop myse I f from...

And now, present I ng your Propan I acs.

From Ar I en, Texas, Bobby,

From Ar I en, Texas, Luanne,

From Ar I en, Texas, Donna from Account I ng,

And f I na ll y, from Ar I en, Texas, Joe Jack!

[Audience clapping]

DALE: Joe Jack!

[Dale clears throat]

Let me take th I s opportun I ty to I ntroduce the band,

On keyboard, the B I 9 D h I mse I f...

Rusty Shacke I ford,

[Reggae beat playing]

DALE: [Singing] Gas Cop, Gas Cop What you gonna do?

What you gonna do when he comes for you?

[Clears throat]

Charlie Fortner...

we had a tip you might be in possession of an inferior fuel.

Mr. Fortner, please come up here for questioning...

and keep your hands where I can see them.

No, I'm fine. Thanks.

All right, punk. We'll do it the hard way, sir.

[Audience murmuring and laughing]

[Audience exclaiming]

Judas Priest, man. Stop it.

[Comical instrumental music]

Big Baby did...

a bad thing.

Joe Jack?

Halt!

Halt and put down the lollipop.

[All laughing hysterically]

[Audience exclaims in shock]

[Laughing]

My diaper gone bye-bye. You got one on you?

- What the deuce? - Just roll with it, sir. You're doing great.

The baby asked you for a diaper, Mr. Pee-Pee-Poo-Poo-Pants. How about it?

That's it. Hank, I'm getting out of here.

No. Listen to them, sir. They're loving it. Come on.

I'm gonna frisk you, Diaper Bandit.

[Tense instrumental music]

HANK: No, you don't. FORTNER: Get off of me.

FORTNER: Stop it.

Oh, my God.

Blackout!

I'm sorry, sir. I had no idea that you wore...

[Stammering awkwardly]

Say it, Hank. I want to hear it come from your mouth.

Diapers.

You only have to say it. I have to wear them, and buy them.

Honestly, sir, no one knew you wore those things.

A man in a diaper comes out on stage...

and asks me for a diaper!

- Somebody thought that through. - Sir, no. I swear to you...

I tell you what.

You keep doing your little propane comedy show.

You just have a good time with it.

And I will see that you never work in this business again.

You'll be back hawking dungarees at Jeans West quicker than you can say:

"Ooh la la Sassoon!"

Sir, if it makes you feel any better, I also wear diapers.

Which brand is more absorbent?

- Well... - Get out!

I've been thinking about how great it went in Arlington, and I've got a new closer:

[Singing] You must buy, you must buy, you must buy.

Propane.

- You didn't think it was funny? - It's not that it's not funny, Bobby.

In fact, it's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

But we're not doing the show anymore, Bobby.

Char li e Fortner w ill sanct I on no further Propan I ac performances,

I don't get it. First, you don't let me go to comedy camp.

Then, you make me work at your propane store.

And when I finally find something that makes it fun...

you let Charlie Fortner take it away.

[Melancholic instrumental music]

HANK: Those were some good times.

HANK: Bobby'd tell me something about comedy...

and then I'd teach him a little bit about propane.

You know that bit where he'd say...

propane is 270 times more compact in its liquid form than as a gas?

I gave him that line, but he sure knew how to deliver it.

Yes, he did.

You know, Hank, there are still places...

where Boss Fortner's tentacles do not reach.

The Propane Maniacs could perform in high schools, shopping malls, anywhere.

Yes, there's over 60 million people who use propane in this nation, Peggy.

I find that difficult to believe. I think you mean six million.

- You want me to get the book? - Yes, I do.

The Propaniacs, Sunday night at the Arlen Mall.

"Who's gonna re-unite this Sunday night at the Arlen Mall?"

You mean it?

But what about Charlie Fortner?

Son, there's only one man in Texas who wears a diaper that I care about...

and that's Joe Jack in the "Big Baby" sketch.

All right. The kid stays in the picture.

[Singing] Propan I acs, an I acs.

Come on, Dad.

No, this is your moment.

[Singing], , on the f I oor.

And we'll make you I augh and I augh and I augh some more.

Okay. We're opening with "Gas Cop."

- Joe Jack, you sober? - I've had my coffee.

[Singing] Gas Cop, Gas Cop What you gonna do?

What you gonna do when he comes for you?

The story you are about to see is true.

Only the emergency shut-off valves have been changed, to protect the consumer.

[Chuckling softly]

You step out of that propane-powered vehicle, honey.

Is there a problem, Gas Cop, sir?

Looks like you've got some explaining to do...

given the cost, filthiness...

and uneven heat of charcoal versus propane.

BOBBY: That's not my charcoal. It's a friend's.

Wait a minute. What else are you packing?

You're not just a charcoal user. You're a dealer.

I can't help it. I started with butane, then moved on to the harder stuff.

BOBBY: Stop me before I build my own hydroelectric dam!

[Hank laughs loudly]

Hydro!

That is funny. That is funny stuff.

[Hank continues laughing]

[Slow instrumental music]

JOE JACK: You have the r I ght to rema I n eff I c I ent,

I know. If I give up the right to remain efficient...

anything I grill unevenly...

can be used against me in a food court of law.

[Hank laughing heartily]

HANK: The right to remain...

[Theme song]

HANK: B I ackout,