Original subtitles

[Theme music]

Who's getting chocolate milk if he sits still?

I'm getting chocolate milk if I sit still.

[Sighs wearily]

Bobby, how'd you like to come to the barber shop with me tomorrow?

I don't think it's up to you, Hank, or you, Bobby.

Peggy, you've put in 12 great years cutting Bobby's hair.

And he's been very good about it.

But Bobby's a big boy now, and I think...

he can handle seeing those copies of Esquire Jack has lying around.

I get to go to Jack?

HANK: Bobby, you start going to him now...

maybe in a couple of years you can call him Jack.

You can help me pick out my new haircut, Mom.

- We'll talk about it over chocolate milk. - Chocolate milk? Oh, no.

You're much too big a boy for chocolate milk.

HANK: Hey, Jack. JACK: So, what'll it be?

The Roger Staubach or the rookie Roger Staubach?

Well, the Strickland Propane Christmas card photo is coming up...

and it's important that my customers recognize me.

So I think I'll just have the same haircut I've gotten every two weeks...

for the past 20 years.

Is that the Staubach or the rookie Staubach?

- The Staubach. - I can't do that! I don't have a stapler.

I mean, the thing you use... Takes off the hair.

You know what, Jack? I'll just take a rain check.

No problem. Give my best to Marcy.

[Bell dings]

[Jack humming softly]

JACK: Well, how's it look, Hank?

- Fine. Everything's fine. - Hop on up, little buddy.

That's okay. I just remembered...

I'm growing my hair out to a modified Troy Aikman.

Yeah. I almost forgot.

- Come on, let's go, Bobby. - Not so fast. You sat nice and still.

JACK: Here you go.

- I'll save it for later, how about? - Start licking!

Here's a picture of you with normal hair mowing your lawn three months ago.

And here is a download of you at the post office minutes ago,

DALE: See the guy in the beard pointing and laughing at your head? That's me!

Well, no one else is laughing.

Hey, Hank? What'd you do to your hair?

- It's a nightmare, isn't it? - Oh, my, yes!

He feathered in the back where he usually tapers.

I find it unsubtle, but it's a way to go. Used to see it more.

Claude Akins, Ross Martin, Robert Stack...

James MacArthur on the third season of Five-O,

That's not what I asked for at all.

Of course, I am a trained Army barber.

Well, this was on a need-to-know basis...

but word is that Jack is losing it.

Heard he was arrested for running naked...

with a straight razor and a barber pole.

I have been very respectful of your relationship with Jack...

but if you're ditching him, give me a little time.

I believe I can put together over 20,000 references.

I'm not leaving Jack. Jack's the only barber I've ever had.

He saved me from my father's haircuts.

[Grunting]

- Forty-five seconds. New record. - I think you cut my ear.

I think you cry more than that guy I killed out from under that helmet.

So Jack had a bad day.

Maybe somebody smooth-talked him out of his pension or something.

Well, I guess that explains the feathering. Doesn't excuse it.

Have a seat, Hank.

My 9:00, 10:00, and 11:00 cancelled.

[Sighs sadly]

Jack, this is tough to say.

I'm not the kind of person who would ask for any special treatment.

And I still consider you a friend...

but I'm not completely satisfied with my haircut.

I'm gonna have to ask you for a free touch up.

- You son of a bitch! - Slow down, Jack.

- You tipped me $2. - That tip was a lie.

I'm sorry, Hank. It's been a tough few weeks.

I'm just lucky everyone was wearing seatbelts.

Hop on up, pal.

- Now take off your shirt. - What?

You're going back in to work, aren't you?

Lunchtime haircut, you take off your shirt.

[Suspenseful instrumental music]

[Jack exclaiming pensively]

Got it. Wait right here.

[Cycle bell ringing]

[Cyclist exclaims]

[Woman exclaims in horror]

JOE JACK: You said it, honey. HANK: It's okay, everybody.

It's me, Hank Hill, Assistant Manager.

Continue with your business as if everything were normal.

I'll be working with my door closed for obvious reasons.

STRICKLAND: Hey, who's got that door closed? What's going on in there?

Good God, Hank!

You look like that fellow killed the other fellow.

Sir, I don't like to point fingers, but my barber is...

I did ask for a free touch up.

- No, he's out. - I still can't pay you for today.

Now, take the afternoon off and turn your hair back to a boy's color!

[Sighs wearily]

Have a seat, Hank.

I'll be with you as soon as I'm done with this gentleman.

[Exclaiming hesitantly]

Jack, I couldn't do this over the phone.

Jack, we've had a great 25 years, but...

You don't have to say it, Hank. I'm getting out of the business.

I can't stand dealing with the jackasses anymore.

You were one of the good ones, Hank.

But your kid's a jackass.

McMaynerbury has to have a late-night barber shop.

Arlen has one, Hank, and it's closer than you think.

Come on, let's go.

Peggy, do you know anything about dying hair?

What's to know?

Hello, Hank. I heard about Jack. I'm sorry.

- How did you hear about Jack? - Well, it was on TV.

You didn't see the high-speed chase?

If there is anything I can help with, and it looks like there is...

Hank, I never cut civilian hair, but I've been looking at your head a long time.

Don't do this, Bill.

- Trust me. It's not easy being my barber. - I know that.

You got those big, thick neck muscles that knot up when you're tense...

leaving that deep, deep valley.

And then the northern ridge runs almost transverse to the crown.

You worry too much about those, and you hit that scar over your left ear.

Seems like there's a story there.

You never shared it with me, but that's okay.

'Cause you might think I'm a gossip, and I probably am.

But how the hell would you know if I'm a bad barber?

- He's the same way with me. - You're an amateur, Peggy.

Jack was a legend, Hank.

But when I come over to my best friend's house and I see this...

you're calling me an idiot!

[Sighing] I want my old life back.

You tell me one goddamn thing you know about cutting hair, Hank.

What was that? I'm sorry. I didn't hear you!

Bill, how's it gonna be in the alley if you screw it up?

I can do it, Hank.

If you don't like it, we'll never discuss it again.

You owe me a chance.

[Sighs heavily]

Can you dye it back?

There are 53 officers on that base...

who aren't wearing their natural hair color.

- I dare you to pick them out. - I need your earliest appointment.

I got a 5:00 a.m. And a 5:30, but I can squeeze you in at 6:00.

- Okay, then. - Okay, then.

[Valiant instrumental music]

[Soldiers singing in cadence]

[Door opens]

[Sighs heavily]

HANK: Bill. BILL: Hank.

I heated some toaster pastries.

There's an excellent article about counterfeit truck parts.

Let's just do it.

[Heroic instrumental music]

BILL: How's that?

That's good.

Well, that's Jack good.

That's the haircut I want for the Strickland Propane Christmas card.

You did it, buddy. Book me again in two weeks.

And every two weeks for the next 25 years.

- What do I owe you? - No, Hank. This one's on me.

If I could just keep the hair.

No, this is a great haircut. I insist.

Gee, Hank. I don't even think I have a cash register.

Hank Hill always pays his barber. Now, are you my barber or not?

I'll find a way to charge you. I promise.

I'll fill out the proper forms and get the ball rolling.

Great. And here's something for you.

[Gasping]

[Sighs in annoyance]

[Scoffing]

Something from the US Army. Hope I'm not drafted.

[Chuckling]

[Sighs]

$900 for a haircut? Damn it, Bill!

And I'm sitting here cutting coupons.

I wish this bill were a mistake, Mr. Hill.

But that is how much it costs the Army to give someone a haircut.

We pay $80,000 for each military-grade barber chair,

The French make a chair that costs $110,000.

It's a damn good chair, but I'm not gonna pay $110,000 for a barber chair.

Wasting all that money is like buying a haircut for Saddam Hussein...

and I hate Saddam Hussein.

I like his haircut, but that's it.

Look, I know the chair is too much at $80,000.

But then they give us a B-2 bomber for $1.3 billion.

That's where we make it up.

Well, you try getting a B-2 bomber for $1.3 billion.

You can't do it.

[Sighing deeply]

It is a very nice haircut.

$900?

I'm sorry, Hank, I had no idea I was that valuable.

So that's where the Army makes all its money.

Even Bill Clinton only spends $300 on his haircuts.

For that he gets the haircut plus a high colonic...

administered by Barbra Streisand.

I guess I should have offered.

If I was gonna pay $900 for a haircut...

it would have to be an everlasting haircut.

Hank, you can't fight the Army without declaring war.

Maybe if you had the Marines on your side.

They're better than us.

PEGGY: Hank, there's something here. It's from the Army.

DALE: Incoming!

It's a collection letter.

HANK: "We don't want to haunt you, but..."

All right. They asked for it.

I am going to write my congressman.

"Representative Jim Powell thinks your problem and flag-burning...

"are among the biggest problems facing America today."

"That's why Jim Powell has introduced..."

"House Resolution 11-4-61."

"It would ban flag-burning and all..."

He never even read it.

I'd go see him in person...

but no self-respecting bus company would let me on with hair like this.

Hank, I'm gonna raise that money for you.

- Could you do better on the ice crusher? - $900 firm.

- It only takes one. - Don't do it, Dale.

I'm not paying $900 for that haircut.

If I was gonna waste $900, I'd get something useful...

- like a compound miter saw. - What?

I thought you said I did a good job.

But what kind of fool would pay $900 for a haircut?

Now, Bill, I could really use a trim. We could do it in my garage.

I'm only allowed to cut hair at the base.

The US Army spent $3 million training me.

Forget the Army. It'll take 10 minutes. I'll vacuum myself.

Sorry, Hank. You got your principles, I got mine.

- [Mumbling] Half of a half of a percent. - What?

That's what you tipped me.

$2 on a $900 haircut is less than half of a half of a percent.

[Sighs in exasperation]

DALE: You don't need Bill.

Boomhauer and I love our girl.

I tell you what, little old girl, man...

talking a mile a minute, man. Like, slow down, man.

Don't take no mousse, no gel. Shower and go, man.

With me, it's all about speed.

I don't even have to take my hat off.

So that's where you get your haircut.

- What's wrong with our hair? - I didn't say anything.

Well, she does pimp that conditioner pretty hard.

[Exclaims in disgust]

God, I need a hairnet.

Why don't you go ahead and take my 1:00 with Ernst tomorrow?

Do not be late unless you want the coldest shampoo of your life.

[Upbeat dance music playing]

[Marching band drumbeat]

[Solemn instrumental music]

DALE: That's him! That's Hank Hill! I think.

I've just been in touch with Congressman Jim Powell's office.

I'm here to present you with the Whistle Blower's Award of $3,900...

- plus this point of light. - For me?

I didn't even know they kept that going. What's the money for?

It's 100/0 of what you saved the Army by eliminating government waste.

This way.

I like the old haircut better.

I hear they're wearing it short in Guantánamo this summer.

It's the Ricky Martin influence.

BILL: Would the Captain like me to throw the Lieutenant out of the chair?

Sergeant, I have bad news.

The base is disbanding the barber unit. They think we're inefficient.

Petition to reinstate has been filed, but that could take 20 years.

I'm sorry. Report for re-assignment in the morning.

[Melancholic instrumental music]

CAPTAIN: Don't do it, son. BILL: I got no place else to go.

[Exclaiming in despair]

$3,900.

We could get a new roof just for the heck of it.

[Chuckles]

- You eliminated Bill. Billiminator. - What?

The Army shut down the sergeant barbers.

Now Bill has no purpose in the Army, either.

Oh, no.

- Is Bill all right? - I didn't ask.

I came straight here so I could see your face...

when you found out what you did.

Is that real crystal?

Hey, look. You can make a prism.

[Somber instrumental music]

Maybe you wanna take off a little around the ears.

[Chuckling]

I'm sorry. That's not funny.

No, don't worry about me, Hank.

The Army made me a barber, it's theirs to take away.

Bill, you're an artist.

You do things with hair that I've only seen other people do with wood.

Have you ever thought of going out on your own?

God, no. Then I'd just be a barber.

I wouldn't be cutting hair for my country.

No, I'll just punch a clock till I'm ordered not to.

9:00 a.m. Is an overstatement, really.

Most days things don't get rolling till, say, 10:30.

Didn't I already give you a pen?

You already gave me a pen. What're you gonna do about it?

I can't leave my booth.

I'm out of the Strickland Christmas card.

Because of your hair? But Christmas is eight months away.

Mr. Strickland wanted an elf in the picture...

and the Arlen midget spends his winters in Florida.

Damn it! Customers will think I don't wish them a merry Christmas.

Hector wouldn't wear the antlers five years ago...

and his sales have never recovered.

You're taking this even harder than poor Bill.

- You saw Bill? - Over at the high-school job fair.

He was wiping eggs off his jeep.

Wait, Dale has something he wants to tell you.

They're auctioning off Bill's old barber equipment today...

and he's absolutely heartbroken and it's all your fault.

Try and look surprised.

[Heroic instrumental music]

[Chattering]

That's the last time I go off base for a haircut.

Okay. Who here knows how to cut hair?

Don't answer. It's a trick.

Here's the plan:

We have to get as much as we can for $3,900...

less the $900 for the haircut...

and the 100/0 auction fee. What's that come out to?

[Exclaiming hesitantly]

Say it again. Look over there.

That's Cole Kitten, the kingpin of the Army surplus auction world.

AUCTIONEER: First item, number 4801, Army barber chair, originally $80,000,,

I'm gonna start the bidding at $2,

$3.

$4.

[Exclaiming incredulously]

Watch me take this guy out.

$5.

$6.

[Crowd murmuring]

$2,999.

COLE: $3,000.

I'll be honest. I get $20 if I sign you up.

- I'll give you half of it. - Dauterive, in. Now.

[Marching band drumbeat]

Your records have been doctored to show you as a master electrician...

with a security clearance for pinball repair.

But your actual mission is to stand at this privately donated chair.

Which does not exist. Do you understand me?

And do the only thing you're good at.

But, sir, what if somebody sees?

Don't ask, don't tell. That policy's got to work for something.

I'm gonna need the combs and the jar.

[Sentimental instrumental music]

- Hank, I don't know how to... - There's no time.

The Strickland Christmas card shoot is in an hour.

But I haven't cut hair in a week.

- Commence cutting! - Yes, sir.

[Heroic instrumental music]

[Beeping]

STRICKLAND: All right, let's take this thing.

HANK: Wait.

[Cheerful instrumental music]

[Cheerful instrumental music]

[Theme music]

HANK: God, I need a hairnet,