Original subtitles

[Theme song]

[Slow instrumental music]

[Hank grunting]

[Electronic whirring]

I'm getting a lot of interference on the bedroom TV.

HANK: What do you say you unplug your "Peggy's," put down the classifieds...

and come on to bed?

As a former restaurant manager, I am accustomed to setting my own hours.

And unfortunately, these are the hours I have set.

I know you miss running that restaurant.

PEGGY: It's not the restaurant I miss. It's the people, Hank.

Managing people.

Telling them what to do and then watching as they do it.

The first grade again. Those kids usually do what you tell them.

It's just not enough anymore. I am:

"A natural-born leader who can build business from zero to infinity."

"Must be highly motivated self-starter with own car."

My God, Hank, that's me!

Peggy, it's almost midnight. You're gonna wake them up.

No. I am gonna shake them up.

LANEY: Who is it? PEGGY: It is Peggy Hill.

[Exclaims in surprise]

LANEY: Well, that's the whole pitch right there. Any questions?

Yes. Metalife. What is that?

Products for living.

Okay, those are useful. And you sell them?

Yes. And I have a number of people who sell for me.

So you would consider what you do sales or management?

A little bit of management, mostly sales.

Yes! Management! Thank you.

Laney, I hope you don't mind me asking, but that pin, it is spectacular.

Thank you. So were my February sales figures.

I hit $10,000, which got me in the Metalife Double Diamond Club.

Peggy, if you want to be your own boss, come and work for me.

[Slow country instrumental music]

Hey, mail guy! I'll take it.

DELIVERY MAN: Sign here, please.

[Doorbell ringing]

You got a package, Peggy. I signed for it.

But I was home, Bill.

I know. I didn't want you to be bothered.

- So, what are you doing? - Put the package down.

You wanna go for a walk?

Go back to your house.

[Door lock clicking]

Okay, let's see. These are the Metalife shakes...

and here are the vitamins...

and these are Forty-Forty-Twenty MetaBars.

That is, oh, percents.

So you're gonna sell these, are you?

Well, these things sell themselves. $18, Bobby.

Which will make it very easy for the team of salespeople working beneath me.

It sounds to me like one of those pyramid schemes.

No, not at all.

As the brochure describes it, it is not a pyramid.

It is a triangle.

And it is not a scheme, Hank. It is an opportunity.

Good question, though,

This doesn't taste like raspberry truffle at all.

Then, honey, you're eating it wrong. Put it down.

All right, come on, let's get to it.

Hank, you will sell at work. You're assistant manager.

They would have to buy from you.

And, Luanne, you will sell at college.

You must have made a whole bunch of new friends that you can pressure.

[Dale clears throat]

[Dale sniffs]

Well, it's probably about time I apologize...

for my misguided Y2K hysteria.

Who would have guessed the whole thing would go off without a hitch?

Really brought the country together.

Yep, best thing that ever could have happened, Y2K.

Hey, Dale! Energy bar?

I'm going the other way, thanks.

Boomhauer, how are you? Protein shake?

No way. All I need is dang old chopped beef in a blender and some eggs.

I'm talking about botta botta Boomhauer.

[Gasps]

PEGGY: Dale, protein shake?

My tummy wouldn't mind a little something.

BILL: Let me take a peek at your wares.

- What's that? - Those are vitamins.

- What's that? - Protein shake.

- What's that? - That's also a protein shake.

What can I get for a quarter?

A soda, 20 years ago.

[Upbeat instrumental music]

Oh, great. What you want?

Hello, neighbor. How are you today?

Those that Meta vitamins? You in that racket?

Okay, I buy from you.

- You will? - Yeah.

You wait here. I'll get my wallet.

[Humming]

[Kahn and Minh laughing hysterically]

[Bill exclaims]

[Thud]

Okay, my people, I call to order the very first meeting...

of my international sales force.

So, before we start, any fun sales stories?

Anything at all?

Well, it's been a week, and at this time...

I would like to please see your order sheets.

Here you go, Peggy.

PEGGY: One sale.

I can't sell at the office. It's a propane place.

I need to keep that pure.

Luanne, I did not get your sheet.

I didn't do one.

But I did give away all my samples.

What samples? Those weren't samples.

My God, what am I running? You think one sale between the three of us...

is gonna keep this company going?

PEGGY: I am going to have to let one of you go.

Luanne, I'm sorry.

Peggy, Luanne's young. She's got a great future ahead of her.

Fire me. Send her a message.

I will fire you if your sales figures don't improve.

Now put on your button, go to the airport, and move some product.

PEGGY: What?

You got another package. I signed for it.

PEGGY: Where is it?

Like I said, I signed and was carrying it up your path.

- I got to thinking... - You ate my bars?

No, I sold them. On the base.

All of them, even the raspberry truffles.

I'm sorry.

Bill, I'm gonna use you.

[Giggles]

Okay.

[Chomping satisfactorily]

[Exclaims in disgust]

Peggy, may I say what an honor it is...

Have you heard of a quota system?

I give you a certain number of sales...

that you have to make by the end of the month.

So, we'll say this first month's quota is...

I don't know, $10,000.

What? No, that's a lot of sales, Peggy.

- Well, I thought as much. - I'll do it. I can do it.

Then this conversation is over.

[Military instrumental music]

Sergeant, where's that ta-ta issue of Sports Illustrated?

I don't know, sir. But if I were you, I wouldn't be worried about a magazine.

I'd worry about...

[Bill mumbling]

- Nothing. - What?

General, the following statement has not been evaluated by the FDA...

but the Metalife protein bar can re-grow hair.

BILL: Energy bar! Get your protein shakes!

[Soldiers chattering]

Here you go, sir. Yeah, that's right.

There's chocolate, I think.

$10,000 in his first month?

That William Dauterive is quite a find!

Well, thank you. I molded him, motivated him. You know how it is.

Is he excited about the San Antonio conference?

Are you kidding? Am I excited? I cannot wait to go.

It's just for the salesman himself, Peggy.

Just the Double Diamond sellers, and a guest.

Your own numbers were quite small.

Well, Laney, my sales are low because of my management responsibilities.

You know, meeting with my supplier...

I am your supplier, and meeting with me is 10 minutes.

But it is a 15 minute drive, and I was 20 minutes late.

Peggy! If I knew you were coming, I would have put on pants.

Can you give me a minute?

Bill, it's okay. I have something important to tell you.

Now, because you met your quota...

[Exclaims in disgust]

You have won a trip to the Metalife State Sales Conference in San Antonio.

Did I mention that you get to bring a guest?

And business etiquette dictates that you invite me.

In my wildest dreams, I never thought you'd want to go with me.

Of course I will take you, yes. I'll even drive!

I guess it doesn't make much sense to take separate cars.

San Antonio, huh?

Well, when you get there safely, call me collect with the name Antonio...

and I won't accept the charges.

And if you're not safe, then you'd use your own name.

Hank, my very first business trip.

I am finally getting the recognition that I have always given myself.

Isn't this Bill's trip? Didn't he win it? Aren't you just his guest?

Hank, you're fired.

[Light instrumental music]

Okay, you'll be in 2111.

And where am I?

2111.

The same room?

I'll have you know, young lady, you are talking to the sort of woman...

who would never ever share a room with the sort of man who is talking to you now.

Look, this is San Antonio.

You can't just waltz in here and expect there to be rooms.

Wait. Wait a second.

"Rio Grande Suite. Sam Houston Suite."

Bill, these are all suites!

PEGGY: Don't look. Do not look.

That is Marty VanHoldt, Regional Sales Coordinator for Metalife.

Oh, my God. We are right across the hall from freaking Marty!

[Gasps excitedly]

[Dramatic instrumental music]

[Gasping]

Look at this.

"To our Double Diamond sales staff. Congratulations."

"Mike Desmond, CEO, Metalife International."

Oh, my God!

San Antonio, Bill. She is all ours.

I think I'll just grab a newspaper and find a chair by the pool to sleep in.

Nonsense, Bill. You will stay here and sleep on the couch.

I think I will have some of that champagne then.

Although, technically, it's just sparkling wine...

unless it comes from the Champagne region of France.

Luanne, you still going to community college?

Aha.

Of course, I'm still in the propane business.

That's where I was today.

HANK: Bobby? BOBBY: Yeah?

HANK: What? BOBBY: You said, "Bobby."

BOBBY: Can I watch TV while I eat?

You know your mother forbids television during dinner.

It's family conversation time.

Who are we kidding?

[Upbeat instrumental music]

Hey, Dean, congratulations on your numbers.

Looks like someone's going to Nationals.

What are the Nationals?

It's how they reward the top performers. Your manager's manager.

And where are the Nationals held?

- Right here. - San Antonio?

This room. And they fold back that wall.

- No. - Yes.

Now, that Peggy Hill needs to see. Excuse me.

Bill, we are going to Nationals, and here's how.

Now, I am going to employ a pie chart. You tell me if I lose you.

PEGGY: Right now, you account for 1000/0 of sales, okay?

Now, what I need from you is more sales.

Do you think that you could sell 1000/0 more?

If that's my new quota, that's my new quota.

Nationals! Let's go out and celebrate tonight.

Someplace fancy where they'll lend you a jacket.

I won't even have to worry about stains.

Honey, put me down for another 1,000 bars.

I am going to Nationals.

A thousand bars! You know, you have to sell them to get to Nationals.

Or buy them yourself. We really don't care.

Then go ahead and put me down for 2,000 of those bad boys.

[Exclaims in delight]

Marty, put me down for another 2,000 bars.

I'm going to Nationals!

MARTY: Mike, another 2,000 bars!

Bobby, when's this movie over? I want to watch the news.

The news? You watched the news yesterday.

Come on now, people.

If you don't like the show, there are other TVs.

PEGGY: Bill, will you look at it?

BILL: Men have walked on that moon.

I guess sometimes the impossible is possible.

[Romantic instrumental music]

Just like some would say it's impossible to move 2,000 units.

But I know you could do it.

- I already sold half. - No.

I talked the hotel into stocking all the mini-bars with them.

You did not.

Oh, my God! We're going to Nationals. Yes!

- Come here. - All right.

This is the Double Diamond pin that you won.

I think you deserve it even more than I do.

No, I don't. Why would you say that?

Because, Bill, you are a kind, hardworking, superhuman people person...

who's taking us to Nationals!

Bill Dauterive, I love you.

[Exclaims in shock]

What are you doing? Stop it! Leave me alone!

Keep the jacket, keep the pin, keep the moon. I quit!

The room key's in the jacket.

[Somber instrumental music]

Laney!

Cancel the order.

What? I can't cancel...

I said cancel the order. My star salesman just quit on me.

So? You can't return product. That's just not how the system works.

Come on. I think the triangle can handle it.

It's not a triangle. It's a damn pyramid!

You do whatever it takes to get Dauterive back in the fold...

or Marty VanHoldt is gonna come down on us like the hair of the gods!

[Doorbell rings]

Hi, Bill. I brought your mail.

PEGGY: Look, a postcard from Peggy Hill.

"Having a great time in San Antonio. Glad you're here."

BILL: Just put it in my waste corner on your way out.

Somebody lost weight.

Probably from all that hustling you were doing.

Yes, I'm a very attractive man. I get it. Now go.

Hold on, Bill. Do you like beer?

Can those big feet of yours do a 180?

This has been nice.

See you at the sales meeting tomorrow?

BILL: That sounds exciting, but Tuesday's my ass-scratching day!

Everything was going great, but then when I tried to motivate him...

that's a management term, with a little praise, my term...

he goes plumb loco. Spanish term.

You must have confused him.

Being dumped on is all Bill knows.

First there was that childhood of his.

Then he joined the Army...

and then married that back breaker, Lenore.

HANK: I'm gonna go oil the bearings in your suitcase wheels.

San Antonio dust contains a lot of silica.

Your father's right.

Bill has had a hard life, and he likes it that way.

He likes to be treated badly.

It's called psychology, Aunt Peggy.

The disease of psychology.

I'm taking it pass-fail.

Well, of course. He's crazy.

If insulting him is the only way to get Bill back to work selling...

it is that nut job's lucky day.

Okay, let's see. I certainly can't attack his sales ability.

Come on, there's plenty to work with.

It's Bill Dauterive.

He's bald, but he still has dandruff.

I mean, what's that all about?

- And don't forget his odor. - He's afraid of thunder.

Okay, good. But slow down.

PEGGY: Hey, Baldy. If you're looking for the hair on your head...

why don't you check your shoulders and your back?

Get off my lawn.

I don't fertilize with poo.

Yeah? Well, I wouldn't waste all that water on your lawn.

You're gonna need it to hose yourself down later...

because you stink.

You heard me.

Even in France, they would take notice of your bad odor.

You were rude. But in the morning, I'll be sober.

"Shut up, lonely divorcé..."

"Or you will be alone for the rest of your life!"

[Stammering]

Never mind. You couldn't have gotten me to Nationals anyway...

lazy, good-for-nothing quitter.

Just wait. Hold on.

Just give me one more chance, please?

I'll sell all your bars. I know I can.

One chance. Tomorrow morning, my garage, 7:00.

- It's a little early. - You just bought yourself 6:45, mister.

- I guess I could skip my shower. - 7:00 it is.

[Upbeat instrumental music]

Bye.

[Upbeat instrumental music continues]

[Grunts]

[Bill breathing heavily]

Don't you worry, Peggy.

As soon as I load the last box of chromium biscuits into my car...

I'll start pounding the pavement.

What are you doing? I did not say you could take a break, did I?

It's my toe. I think I have a blister.

If you do, it's not from carrying boxes for one day.

"It's from carrying that huge gut of yours around for 40 years."

Yeah, you're probably right.

[Groaning]

[Exclaims with concern]

[Bill groaning]

And don't worry about your driveway.

[Groans in pain]

My tube sock is soaking up most of the blood.

[Slow instrumental music]

- Bill. - Yeah?

Bill, you're fired.

[Stammering] Yeah, but I know I can do...

I can sell all these.

BILL: We can go to Nationals.

Isn't that what you want?

Not if it means taking advantage of a friend.

No, not you. My friend? No.

Yes, Bill, I am your friend.

Although I haven't always been a good one...

taking advantage of your low self-esteem to boost my own already healthy esteem.

And for that, I apologize.

No, Peggy, you don't have to apologize to me. I'm not...

The next words out of your mouth better be "apology accepted."

Apology accepted.

[Slow instrumental music]

So, friend, between you and me...

I think this Metalife thing is a scam.

Yeah, but what a ride.

[Theme song]

HANK: Of course, I'm still in the propane business,