Original subtitles

(hank) Boy, look at pops go.

80 years old and he still has the reaction time

to miss the sprinkler heads.

Tony Curtis is 80.

[Lawnmower whirring]

[Exclaiming]

Oh, look at him. Now he's just showboating.

Come on, pops, let's see those hands at 10 and 2.

Uh, pops?

(bill) Mr. Popizito?

[Crashing]

Oh, man. Hey, man.

(hank) Boy, I tell you, it's sad.

But at least he went doing what he loved.

Well, we should all be so lucky.

You know how I wanna go?

Right here in the alley with you guys.

Yeah, it'll probably be my heart, the way things are going.

Ooh! Hey, we should rent that house ourselves.

We could turn it into a clubhouse.

I am currently an official supporter of the clubhouse idea.

I also reserve the right to be called "dash."

And I'll be "spike"!

A clubhouse?

I don't know. Isn't that something you do when you're in your 30s?

No, man. Come on, hank.

[Mumbling] You know, that little old d.v.d. Player, man.

Coming in on show, just grabbing in the dang freeze-frame...

talking about a fridge full of beer, too, man, you know.

Well, boomhauer, I tell you, you ought to be in sales.

All right, I'm in.

Welcome to the clubhouse, hank.

What do you want to be called?

How about "Rudy"?

How about "hank"?

Hank it is, Rudy.

You are so late.

You know I like my bath at 9:30 with my onion loaf.

I'm sorry. The cash register didn't balance

and it took Gary 20 minute s to confess.

Do you mind if I just take a quick shower first?

I smell like waitressing.

I'm sorry. My bath is already drawn.

[Hank and Peggy giggling]

(hank) Ok, I'm taking off my boxers.

[Peggy laughing]

[Screams]

. What the..

[Exclaiming] Luanne.

Oh, my god!

I thought you guys were sleeping.

[Giggling]

But you guys weren't sleeping.

Exit the master bedroom right now.

[Sighing]

Boxers.

Luanne, we have rules in this house.

Why are you guys getting so upset?

I didn't see anything.

You saw your uncle's nipples.

[Exclaiming]

The way I see it, you are in direct violation

of 4 of our rules.

You had it notarized?

No water usage after 10:00 p.m.

9:00 p.m. Curfew on school nights.

Entering the master bedroom without verbal permission.

And you're barefoot in the kitchen.

Ladybird eats off that floor.

God only has 10 rules, uncle hank,

and his house is much bigger.

All right, dale, for the last time,

I can't turn in this rental application

without your social security number.

Fine.

5-5-5...

5-5.

[Sighing]

That's not even enough numbers.

5.

5.

Ok, I'm leaving your name off.

But you're still responsible for one-fourth of the rent.

I figure I can pull my extra workbench out of public storage

and keep it in the clubhouse.

That'll save me a few bucks a month.

And I've given it some thought and I've decided

to start charging luanne some rent for living in my den.

See, house right across from me.

They wanna use our clubhouse as their living quarters.

Hank, we have to do something.

I don't know, kahn.

The house looks nice, but the neighborhood looks a little hillbilly to me.

Hillbilly? I have an idea. Follow my lead.

Hey, mr. Kahn

them some fancy blue jeans y'all's lady friend is wearing.

They must be city folk.

I just whipped up a new batch of possum stew

I'd be willing to share with you.

Don't worry. I took off the feet.

What did he just say?

All great chefs doing that now.

Wolfgang puck cut the feet off of everything.

(dale)? I got my own fine wife and I got my own fiddle?

♪ Sun's coming up, I got gribble, gribble, gribble ♪

(all)? Life ain't nothing but a funny, funny riddle?

♪ Thank god I'm a country boy? ♪

They just day laborers.

They're putting in my deck.

[All laughing]

Our plan worked.

Spike, Rudy, boomhauer, let's check out our new clubhouse.

You talking about everybod y got a dang old nickname except me, man.

Dang old odd man out, man.

All right, boomhauer. What do you wanna be called?

B-dog.

(hank) So, I figure if we knock down that wall

and build a new wall over there,

that'd be fun.

(bill) Hey, a refrigerator.

Look, pop's last beer.

Huh.

To pops.

That son of a bitch had a swimming pool?

Huh. I thought I heard splashing.

How could you not know?

You lived next door to him for 18 years.

I thought he lived on a lake.

What lake?

. It was none of my business

(real estate agent) So, you're the ones who broke my lock box.

Uh, was the open house canceled?

D I'm sorry. This house has already been rente

to a lovely college student.

College student?

No college student's gonna have a credit histor y like mine.

[Door opening]

Here are your keys, miss platter.

Welcome home.

Luanne?

Young lady, you had better march right back into hank's den.

That's your home and that will always be your home. Right, hank?

Luanne, welcome to your new home.

(hank) I'm not gonna be stingy with the packing tape, luanne.

You tape away.

It's not that I want to move, it's just tha t I hate living here.

There's just too many rules.

Yup.

Way too many rules. Good-bye.

And if I have to pay rent,

I'm not gonna sleep in a den and share a bathtub

with a 12-year-old boy, ok?

Rent? Excuse me.

Hank, did you pass a new law while this hill was not in session?

Just tied up a rental loophole.

The important thing is she's happy.

And I'm not paying for it all alone.

See, this friend of mine who got kicked out of her apartment,

she had 3 roommates who also got kicked out of the apartment.

And she said I could have them.

I don't know.

I just think that I should move out

before we end up hating each other.

Oh, luanne, we could never hate...

she's making a good point, Peggy.

We lost everything so fast.

. And hank did nothing to stop it.

. Like the Swiss

how's your precious den?

Visual confirmation.

Roommate number one. Female.

(bill) Dating a jarhead, huh?

My first choice was the marines.

But I couldn't do enough sit-ups

to be a marine corps barber. Semper fi.

(hank) Oh, great. We've got a disco dancer.

Anyone can move slow.

[Whooshing]

[Car horn honking]

Hey.

Hey, guys drinking beer.

You're in my parking spot.

No, I don't think so.

This is where we assemble.

Always has been.

Well, always has been

Texas penal code49.02,

which prohibits public drunkenness.

What are you talking about?

Nobody's drunk here.

I don't know, hank. I'm pretty buzzed.

My lease says this is my space.

[Tires screeching]

[All exclaiming]

Thought so.

Gentlemen, I give you roommate number 3.

I kind of like her.

[Sighing]

♪ Hello ♪

♪ how are things going for you today? ♪

[Exclaiming]

♪ Don't you miss her? ♪

??[loud music playing]

. (griffin) Little help? Thank you

now you've got a lawsuit.

The audacity.

I have unplugged your house from my house.

That's not very neighborly of you.

You know, when it hits a 105 degrees and you wanna use my pool

and drink my soy shakes, I'm gonna remember this.

Yeah? Well, there goes your welcome wagon tool set.

You happy?

So, who'd like to meet my other roommates?

[Giggling]

The manger babies.

This is sir Reginald feather bottom iii and...

oh.

I know what you're thinking.

I perform a christian puppet show...

ok.

We need to go to the grocery store.

I already went to the store

and sir Reginald noticed how expensive food is these days.

There's food?

They're not gonna leave you a scrap, what, what?

??[humming]

[Sighs]

One in the garage, one in the den.

? What you doing

oh, nothing.

Just, uh, working on my den.

[Grunting]

[Exclaiming]

I always wanted a club ho us e with a secret knock.

How about, uh...

no, that's the secret knock at the gun club.

I don't wanna get confused.

How about this?

You know, part of the reason I agreed to the clubhouse idea

was that one of the bedrooms over there was gonna be my private den.

. And, well, now that I've got my den..

[Clears throat]

Our clubhouse.

My den.

. Yup, that's the official knock.

. It'll hold us until I can get a retina scanner

[sighing]

Hey, guys. I figured out all the bills.

I used additions and subtractions.

Ooh, wow, I'm gonna have t o catch up with you later.

See, I have a bike race coming up, and there's gonna be this chick there

that I dig, so I need to get a new shirt that really sports my abs.

I mean, check it out.

Yeah, I can't pay this right now either.

I'm going to Vegas this weekend.

Um, ok. Kate?

The phone bill is pretty much 100 percent yours.

So, anyway, my little sister, she borrowed my kangol hat.

Yes, I'm mad.

[T.v. Playing]

Listen, when I signed up for phone service,

I signed a document that said I would pay on time.

I swore it.

. On my mother's maiden name

you're kind of being a house Nazi right now, luanne.

Hello? I thought we agreed no smoking in the house.

You know who else had anti-smoking laws? Uh, who was it?

Oh, yeah. Hitler!

[Coughing] Nazi.

??[music playing on t.v.]

Luanne.

What's up, girlfriend?

I have not seen you in the longest.

Oh.

Ok. You guys are finished with dinner already.

Why? Are you hungry? Luanne, are you eating?

Do you need money? Get my purse.

No, no, no, no, aunt Peggy. No.

I'm on my own now and I don't need help from anyone.

Oh,

. But I am doing a book report on what people eat for dinner

so, what did you eat?

Let me fix you a to-go plate.

? Hey, luanne. What you got there

nothing. This isn't mine.

It's nice to see luann e once in a while.

Knowing she'll be leaving

kind of makes it like a fun game.

There is nothing funny about starvation,

except for comic relief, of course.

[Doorbell rings]

Now, luanne is very proud and may not accept our charity,

but she's also very hungry, so who knows?

Luanne is usually home from work by now.

[Exclaiming]

(bobby) Guys can shave their legs, too?

That's very interesting.

Peggy! Bobby!

. Sorry, dad

heads up. Der fuhrer is home from work.

Whose turn is it to take the trash out?

Don't make me get out the chore wheel.

Oh.

Uncle hank, aunt Peggy. You're here.

. We brought a casserole for dinner

no, no, no, no, no, I won't hear of it.

I'm on my own now, and I can make you dinner. Dinner. I'm on it.

Oh, crap. Dinner.

(luanne) Where are the crackers?

Where is my macaroni?

And the cheese?

Where are my stick'ems?

[Screaming] That is it!

Who ate all my food?

Come forward.

I needed a carbo load.

[Exclaiming]

Griffin! Eww!

We said no shaving in the living room

unless it was an emergency. Ugh.

Zieg heil.

When I think of how many stupid onion loaves I had to sell

e so you people could talk on the phon

and eat my cookies, it makes me so...

[luanne grunting]

[Whispering] Hank, maybe we should intervene.

. You go talk to the German one

we have rules in this house.

We all agreed to them, people.

I'm counting at least...

12.12 violations.

Oh, my god!

I have become you.

Oh.

I hate myself.

[Crying]

I'm worried about luanne.

? She hates herself because she's become bobby

I mean, what's tha t all about?

Hank, she was pointing at you.

She's become you, and that is why she hates herself.

Oh, well, then she's just crazy.

Hank, please talk to her.

I can hear her crying in her room.

Her room? My den.

For all we know, she could be laughing.

All right.

[Crying]

Why?

It is very sad to see people take advantage

of the kindness of others.

Yes, it is.

All right.

Bill, dale, boomhauer, get out. Come on.

Spike, dash, b-dog.

You know, back in your house when you said:

"I've become you."

Yeah?

Well, you said it like, "I've become you."

When, well, you probably could have said it more like,

[softly] "Hey, I've become you."

What?

You see, luanne, a lot of good stuff happened in the world

when people were like me.

Sure, they'll never write a Hollywood musical about a fella

who keeps his yard free of debris.

. And pays his bills on time

and the m.t.v. Won't put on a video about a man

who requires shoes in the kitchen.

But it's because of people like us...

I'm not like you.

This is just too much for me!

Oh!

And all the bills,

, and they mooch my food

and they're always on the phone

and I just can't take it anymore.

I can't stand one more day.

They're wearing my socks, uncle hank.

[Gasping]

Oh, god! Oh, god! I need a paper bag.

Now, take it easy.

You didn't see me getting all huffy

every time you made me mad.

? I made you mad

sure.

And you were 3 times the pain in the butt these kids are.

Oh, good.

Then you'll be able to handle them for me.

Maybe I could,

but I don't wanna give you a fish, luanne.

I wanna teach you how to fish.

That way you'll eat forever.

Hello, I'm with the electric company.

Don't mind me. I'll only be a minute.

[Sniffling]

I'm on break.

Please continue with your private conversation.

Do not worry.

I am deaf and cannot hear what you are saying.

You know, luanne, you and I both wanted a little place of our own.

I thought my den would be my oasis.

But now the only place I can get away from

the various annoyances in my life is...

[dale slurping]

Is?

[Sighs]

Is my lawn.

When I'm out there mowing, edging, watering,

even fertilizing, nothing else matters.

Yup. That's what you got to do, luanne.

Find yourself a project.

Find your own lawn.

That's it?

I couldn't help but overhear your uncle's bad advice.

What?

Aha! It is I, dale gribble, master of 1,000 faces.

You just met face number 2:

The deaf electrician.

The only thing your roommates, i.e., enemies,

will understand is fear, i.e., psychological warfare,

i.e., dirty tricks.

It worked for dick Nixon.

Well, but... for example,

get a hold of some goat's blood.

Taint that blood.

Then when your roommates need blood,

give them the tainted goat's blood.

It's a perfect plan.

I don't wanna hurt anyone.

I just want them to do the dishes.

Oh.

Well, in that case, stack the dishes in the shower.

That's the way Nancy gets me to do 'em.

[Grunts]

Luanne, do you mind?

Ugh, what are you doing?

Well, somebody left a bunch of dishes in the shower.

That's kind of rude.

Good lord, I hate these people.

I know, Jesus.

I know you told me never to say "hate."

But I'm sorry, lord. I really, really do.

??[humming]

Truth or dare?

Dare.

[Sighs]

Hey, uncle hank.

Guess what?

Right this second,

the p.h. Balance in this pool

is absolutely perfect.

So, you found yourself a project.

Do you get the same, uh,

high I get from lawn care?

. You know, I think I do

(girl) Excuse me.

You didn't pay your bills, did you?

Oh, well, luanne, at least you tried.

Oh, I paid my bills.

And then I closed all the accounts.

[Giggles]

If my roommates want gas, water, electricity, or a phone,

they can just open up their own accounts.

Simple as that.

You know, if you're ever up late studying for a test

and you want a little electricity,

I've still got that extension cord.

No thanks, uncle hank.

You taught me how to fish.

Yup.

Yup.

This place looks terrible.

You ain't pops.

Oh, that old guy?

Yeah, he died.

Dead?

Then I'm arresting you for suspicion of murder.

Grab him, topsy.

Yeah. All right, boy, you're coming with...

hey, get your hands off me, you Nazi.

Who are you calling a Nazi?

[Screams]

All right, topsy, let's roll.

(dale) Truth or dare?

(bill) Dare.

[Hank sighs]