Original subtitles

[Theme song]

[Cows mooing]

BOBBY: This is nice country.

Maybe I'll retire out here, tell them all to go to hell.

This may seem like an exotic getaway...

from the hustle and bustle of the alley...

but if you lived out here for a month, you'd go crazy.

The cows seem happy.

Well, that's because they're not being slaughtered.

Talk to them again in two weeks.

[Cheerful instrumental music]

The people out here are simple folk, but if you don't put on any airs...

BOBBY: Is that a propane tank? HANK: Madness.

This is the essence of prop comedy.

You take something boring and make it fun.

So, is it premium, or have you been regular?

Cough for me.

ROY: How's it going, Hank? HANK: Howdy, Roy.

Your boy is pretty handy with a rope.

He's shaping up for the rodeo next week. That your boy?

Truth is, if you're under 40, you don't need this test.

BOBBY: It was like me and the tank were playing off each other.

We had a tough crowd...

but I finally got a smile out of that Roy guy.

I was in the zone.

Dad, we could paint your grill like a monkey.

Bobby, you know how you used to like dressing up like a cowboy?

Well, now you could do it for real. The rodeo's coming to town.

The rodeo's cruel to animals.

In nature the bull lives peacefully with the giraffe.

It is brutal. My uncle was a cowboy in the rodeo.

He had to leave Vietnam because he was waking up with rodeo nightmares.

It's just the kids' calf scramble. It's fun.

The animals are running around without any plays or game plans or anything.

Kind of like Barry Switzer was coaching them.

I like the part where I'm running around with veal.

And you'd be performing in front of crowds, Bobby.

You know, a lot of cowboys became entertainers:

Gene Autry, Roy Rogers.

BOBBY: Roy Rogers makes a good burger. HANK: Yes, he does.

Peggy, I had some good clothesline somewhere.

It's up with the wine glasses.

[Peggy mooing]

Come on, Bobby, rope that cow.

All right, son! Now, that is a skill.

You know, it'd be good to use a live animal...

but we don't wanna hurt Ladybird.

[Bill humming]

[Upbeat instrumental music]

[Bill gasps]

Tell you what, man, he's gonna hog-tie Bill like a dang old...

like 10-pound rubber hose laying on the dang old...

that lying on the head of some New Guinea...

taking on no pigeon, man.

I think he has the goods to turn pro. Bobby, not Bill.

You know, Bobby... My wrist.

If I hadn't been drinking my beer...

that would have been right around my neck.

Bobby is gonna kick butt at that rodeo.

Mr. Dauterive is much smarter and faster than any baby cow.

Well, quicker over short distances.

We should do the rodeo together. All you need is your parents' permission.

- Dad, can I? - Sure, son. You can ask your mom.

[Upbeat instrumental music resumes]

[Car alarm beeping]

[Dale laughing]

Untie the queen.

[Upbeat instrumental music]

[Bill yelling]

Record time.

I feel quicker in these pants.

[Exclaims excitedly]

[Hank gasping in shock]

BOBBY: Hello there. HANK: Bobby, pants.

PEGGY: The salesman said that children's western wear...

the hard thing is, if you don't want husky sizes.

Look at that painting, Peggy. Great art makes you think.

And what I'm thinking is maybe the rodeo is what Bobby was cut out for.

[Slow instrumental music]

Let's go eat some steaks.

[Lively instrumental music]

How did you get that belt buckle? I want a belt buckle.

Well, I won it bull-riding in Tucson.

Wow.

BOBBY: How did she get that buckle? MAN: Why, that's Buckle Bunny.

She got that by being friends with a cowboy.

Even if I don't win, I can be a Buckle Bunny.

Just give him the forms.

ANNOUNCER: Now, if our young cowpokes are ready, it's time for our calf scramble,

Twenty calves, 20 boys, One to a customer, please,

First one to hog-tie a calf...

wins a $50 savings bond courtesy of Thatherton Fuels,

"Sell the heat with warmth."

That's a lie.

All right, Joseph.

Tie him tight, then quick and clean across the throat.

He'll never feel a thing.

Dale, I think you just tie them up. There's no killing involved.

We need to pick up something for dinner on the way home.

Son, you're gonna be up against farm boys.

But we fed you like a farm boy, so go get them.

ANNOUNCER: If our young bucks are ready our young bulls are, too,

It's gonna get crazy out there, Every cow for himself,

Don't tie up anything with two legs, then go, "Oh, hey!"

[Crowd cheering]

[Bobby panting and groaning]

[Lively instrumental music]

That's it, Bobby. Get him! Tie him up.

Rope him, tie him, grind him, fry him.

Take him home and mincemeat pie him!

And down you go.

Go down!

Joseph, how do you...

JOSEPH: Time! DALE: Wingo, Joseph!

Another momentous day for the Family Gribble.

You're going down, sister.

That's it, Bobby. Tire him out.

[Calf mooing]

It's not funny.

WILLIE: Mister, where's the fire?

I says, "Where's the fire?"

[Both yelling]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...

Zipped Willie and Chet Halley, our rodeo clowns,

Look out.

[Crowd laughing]

Rodeo clowns.

Oh, my God!

[Slow instrumental music]

[Knocking on door]

Excuse me, sir.

- Are you Zipped Willie? - What do you want?

I don't know what your mama told you, but I had a vasectomy in 1983.

I'm not after your money.

I wanna be a rodeo clown like you.

- How old are you? - I'm in the seventh grade.

But I'm just talking about after school while you're in town.

I'm good.

Son, we're doing fine on our own.

So if you'll go back to the seventh grade...

me and Chet are gonna round up the beer cans.

The baby routine doesn't work.

It's all talk,

When the diaper blows up, it's, like, finally!

Then the doctor comes out and his bag explodes?

What the heck does that mean?

There's a logic to an exploding diaper.

Kid cut a fart. Fine.

Why would the bag explode?

We've been doing the baby routine for 20 years.

BOBBY: Why does that not surprise me?

You need to get out of your ivory tower...

and see what's happening on the street.

Give the baby a giant bottle.

He can hit you with it, he can squirt you with it.

Now I'm laughing.

Kid knows his stuff.

He doesn't have a costume, doesn't know the animals.

I can learn. How about you?

Okay. But if anyone asks, you're a midget.

- He's too big to be a midget. - Nobody's gonna ask.

[Hank sighs]

Dang rodeo clowns.

Zippo and Frep Tapley.

HANK: I'm gonna have to throw this out.

Who knows what else they use that bucket for?

You do not wanna know. We had rodeo clowns in Montana.

They are not just inconsiderate...

they are diseased freaks who will cut your throat for your invisible dog.

And where do you think they get those ridiculous costumes?

I'll tell you where, from Montgomery Weird.

[Peggy laughing]

That's good.

Hank, you should send that in to Joan Rivers.

Yeah, that's where I got it.

[Lightly suspenseful instrumental music]

BOBBY: "Desert Rose."

BOBBY: "Autumn Sunset." Yes!

Which is funnier, a happy clown or a sad clown?

Six of one.

You know, they got to let you be a clown. You're the funniest person I know.

Well, your dad's really funny.

Wow. I'm not sure even Kerri Strug could do that move in cowboy boots.

Kerri Strug in cowboy boots.

ANNOUNCER: Joseph Gribble on Broncosaurus,

[Horse neighing]

[Buzzer sounding]

ANNOUNCER: That really looked good, That's 85,

CHET: Those boxers haven't been made for 20 years.

CHET: Where'd you get them? BOBBY: Wouldn't you like to know?

All right, you got the look.

But let's see you get a horse to notice you. This guy's going down.

And now back to the adults,

Give all your encouragement to Clay Henry because he's riding Mr, Dead,

A horse is a hearse, of course, of course,

[Crowd gasping]

Be my guest.

[Bobby yelling]

[Crowd gasping]

[Bobby humming]

[Horse neighing]

Okay, then.

Hey, there, Ben Cartwright. When's your next calf scramble?

They keep shifting things around to keep us on our toes.

Well, when you find out, I'll put in for the Strickland luxury box.

Hector's got the afternoons reserved.

But if I send him to McMaynerbury in the old truck...

what's he gonna do about it?

BOBBY: Okay. But, like I said...

I hear Joseph won another belt buckle.

You mean this?

Anyone wanna wrestle me for it? I have Joseph's strength now.

I tell you what, this rodeo's worked out pretty good for both our sons.

I haven't heard the words "prop comic" since Bobby picked up a rope...

and it keeps him away from the video games.

He was playing this Tomb Raider game where he was a girl.

BOBBY: [In Jewish accent] What are you talking about?

[Bulls snort]

BOBBY: What are you talking about?

- I think I'm ready to save some cowboys. - Cowboys.

We save their butts when they get thrown...

but they'll pull down your britches when you're talking to your woman.

You guys have women?

Yes.

My best friend's a cowboy. Maybe we can start the healing...

because the cowboys and the clowns should be friends.

We eat the same dust, we've got the same smell...

[Bobby groaning]

BOBBY: What happened?

The last thing I remember is being kicked by a horse.

Come on, Bobby.

We can't let your dad see you in clown makeup.

Joseph, they say rodeo clowns smell like cow pies.

But I hear it's the other way around.

[Boys chuckling]

HANK: Your first concussion.

Now, don't fall asleep, Son, both because you could die...

and because I wanna tell you how proud I am.

I mean, look at you: the bruises, the dirty clothes, the smell.

You're all right. Is there anything I can get you?

The blonde girl who lives here said I like fruit pies.

No, you don't. A tough guy like you, you like sports.

WILLIE. Kid, it's hard for an old clown to admit he's made a mistake,

A lot easier just to leave town and change your name,

But when I said you didn't have what it takes to be a rodeo clown...

I was wrong.

Here's your ass pad, son.

Your lunch money had a Canadian quarter.

Dooley, that little squirt's not bothering you.

Now, if you wanna see an annoying little squirt...

[Students gasp]

You've got dust coming out of your butt.

Come on, Bobby. You've proved your point.

- You're weirding me out. - Allow me to turn the other cheek.

Look, Peggy, I think he's loping. He's actually loping.

Well, he's skipping now, but he was loping.

Our little cowboy is becoming a cow-man.

I didn't tell Bobby, but I'm bringing a client to the rodeo this afternoon.

I wouldn't want Bobby to know a propane sale is hanging in the balance.

ANNOUNCER: Slap another buckle on Joseph Gribble, his third one this week,

Wait a minute, ladies and gentlemen...

we have a late entrant in the chicken-roping,

[Lively instrumental music]

The clown fell in some poop.

That's my underwear.

Well, that's one mystery solved.

- But why would that clown want to... - And those are Peggy's shoes.

Hank, it's Bobby!

Bobby?

Bobby!

Isn't that your friend?

Well, he lives next door to me, but...

They say that rodeo clowns smell like cow pies...

but I hear it's the other way around.

He's funnier than Bobby, too.

HANK: Maybe this is my fault.

I kept clowns away from him as a child so he never got scared by one.

Do not be so hard on yourself. It is not your fault.

It's all my fault. My uncle wasn't a cowboy, Hank.

He was a dirty, drunken rodeo clown.

Don't tell me. Uncle Boffo?

That's Luanne's makeup.

You're not only a clown, you're a thief. I don't know which is worse.

Clown.

Bobby, I'm trying to help you.

You see, a circus clown is a carny...

who's too stupid to flip a ride switch on and off.

Now, you take a circus clown, roll him on the barn floor...

and kick him in the head a couple hundred times, and what've you got?

Your son.

Yep.

Yep.

[Hank sighs]

[Dale humming]

Okay, Dale.

JOSEPH: Dad, I won the goat-roping...

and they're gonna let me ride a baby bull tomorrow.

My time was so good, they made me take a drug test.

The only drug you're on is Gribblecillin.

And you told me Gribblecillin...

would possess no performance-enhancing qualities.

ANNOUNCER: Come on, stay with it, Ride it out,

Cheer up, Bobby.

Except for the cowboy and the man who straps the bull's genitals...

there's nobody more important than the friend cheering in the stands.

ANNOUNCER: And now our special event,

Riding our baby bull Problem Child is our three-buckle boy, Joseph Gribble!

I'm gonna get a hot dog.

I love my boy. Don't you love my boy, Hank?

[Buzzer sounding]

JOSEPH: Come on.

[Tense instrumental music]

[Crowd gasping]

Zip!

[Chet grunts]

WOMAN: Oh, dear. That boy is gonna be gored.

[Tense instrumental music heightens]

[Bull snorts]

HANK: Bobby, wait.

Go, Bobby.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

[Bobby groans]

What did I eat?

Please, everyone, avoid the nachos.

[Crowd laughing]

BOBBY: Don't worry, everybody. I'm fine.

Not so fine,

[Crowd laughing]

[Slow instrumental music]

There's only room for one autograph.

BOBBY: I'd rather have one of your buckles. JOSEPH: Okay.

But that doesn't make you my Buckle Bunny.

Yes, sir, it does.

[Theme song]

WILLIE: Here's your ass pad, son,