Original subtitles

Hmm. [ FILING NAILS ]

[ SCRATCHES NAILS down CHALKBOARD ]

[ SHAKES HEAD ]

[ FILES NAILS MORE ]

[ SCRATCHES SHARPER NAILS down CHALKBOARD ]

[ SCRATCHES NAILS down OTHER CHALKBOARD ]

Such a delightful sound.

Oh.

Hey, Morticia.

I'm glad you're here.

I need someadvice on my

big date tonight.

How can I help you, Fester?

[ HOLDS up TWO CORSAGES ] Which one of these says "I'm dangerous, but not desperate"?

Hm.

Dynamite is a girl's best friend.

That was my choice, too.

Now, what about these?

[ HOLDS UP PERFUME BOTTLE ] Eau de River Rat? Or

[ HOLDS UP OTHER BOTTLE ] Or Carnage No 5?

For Men.

Hmm.

Why not use both?

Mixing two volatile explosives together can be dangerous.

Good idea!

[ SPRITZES PERFUME ]

[ PUTS DOWN BOTTLE, PICKS UP OTHER ONE ]

Ready?

[ SPRITZ, EXPLOSION! ]

[ MORTICIA BACKS UP ]

[...] Love

Here I come!

[ GIGGLES ]

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

[ GOMEZ, with a HAND of CARDS ]

You got any 5's?

Go Fish. [ MORTICIA, wearing a TRIBLY ]

[ REACHES his HAND into TANK ]

[ SCREAMING and STRUGGLING ]

[ RETRIEVES PIRANHA-BITTEN CARD ]

Your turn.

Do you have any 7's?

[ HANDS HER a 7 ]

Gomez, you're not even trying to cheat.

Why should I?

I'm already losing.

Besides,

I love to Go Fish.

Well, if you're going to play fair, why play at all?

Gomez, Morticia!

Come on, it's only a game!

Remember,

it doesn't matter whether you win or lose.

It's how many stitches you require.

Fester's right.

Next hand, I'll deal from the bottom of the deck.

Now you see, was that so hard?

You just have to learn, to be insensitive to each other's needs.

[ MORTICIA STANDS ]

Thank you, Fester.

You know so much about relationships.

That's because you date so many women!

You know,

you should share your talent with the world, old man.

You mean help other people get dates?

That would cut in on my action.

I think Gomez means counsel other couples and help them stay together.

You want me to listen to people's ugly, sordid, personal problems?

[ THEY BOTH NOD ]

Sounds like fun!

I'll have to advertise.

Maybe I'll take to the air!

Capital ideal, old man.

Radio or television?

I was thinking of sky writing,

but that's even better!

[ FESTER, in a PLAID TIE, RECORDING ad on CAMCORDER ]

Do you argue all the time?

Are you miserable in your marriage?

Well, why -- ?

Well, why wait for happiness?

I'm Fester Addams!

And I can help you!

But, why take my word for it?

Listen to this unsolicited testimonial.

Gomez and Morticia were having problems until I stepped in.

How's your relationship now?

[ WOODENLY ] C'est magnifique.

Tish! That's French.

[ KISSES HER ARM ]

Call now!

Or visit our website,

at... ! [DUCKS as GRANNY HOLDS UP SIGN ]

www.FesterLove.com

... before it's too late!

Cut.

How was that, Mama?

Nice job.

You're going to make a lot of couples very unhappy.

[ CLAPS in DELIGHT ]

[ GOMEZ, still KISSING UP and DOWN MORTICIA's ARM ]

[ PAINTING of DOGS playing POKER ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ at POKER TABLE ]

[ MORTICIA, SHUFFLING DECK RAPIDLY ]

Darling, would you like to cut the deck?

[ SLAMS DOWN CLEAVER! ... cuts up DECK of CARDS into CONFETTI ]

I'm sorry.

Did you want them julienned?

[ WEDNESDAY and PUGSLEY ENTER ]

Hello, children. How was school?

Some girl said "hello" to him, and now he's in love.

What's her name, son?

[ DREAMILY ] Mary.

Mary?

[ MORTICIA FROWNS ]

[ PUGSLEY, DELIBERATELY WALKS into SHUTTERS, REPEATEDLY ]

Pugsley, if you keep running into walls,

how will I know which injuries I've caused?

[ PUGSLEY SIGHS DREAMILY ]

[ SITS DOWN in CHAIR, DOOR REVOLVES ]

Oh, darling.

Do you remember the emotional rollercoaster,

the raging hormones,

the constant heartache of our first love?

[ DROPS CLEAVER ]

Yes.

Too bad we can't relive that agony...

Who says we can't try?

After all, you were always good at puppy love.

[ MORTICIA GROWLS ]

[ BARKING MADLY ]

Woof.

[ GRANDMAMA, using TYPEWRITER ]

I don't understand it.

All those TV commercials, advertisements and top magazines?

Haven't we gotten any calls?

Of course!

A lot of people phoned in to make appointments.

Great! When's the first one?

Who knows?

I just told thm to drop by.

[ LURCH OPENS DOORS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

Uhh.

We're here to see Fester Addams, the couple's counselor?

Follow me.

Laurie, why are we here?

We don't need therapy.

Up the stairs.

Before we get married, I really think we should learn how to communicate better.

I'm sorry, honey, what did you say?

See what I mean?

Wait there.

[ COUPLE FALLS DOWN TRAP DOOR, CRASH! ]

I told you advertising would work!

My first clients.

[ HOLDS up MAGNIFYING GLASS ]

[ COUPLE GETS TO THEIR FEET ]

Welcome.

Make yourselves uncomfortable.

Have a seat.

[ MAN SITS IN ELECTRIC CHAIR ]

[ LADY SITS NEXT TO HIM ]

Now, why don't we start with a little role-playing?

I'll be the man.

You'll be the woman.

Well, what about me?

You can be the lucky death row inmate who doesn't have to wait for a ridiculous appeal!

[ FLICKS SWITCH ]

[ SCREAMS as he is ELECTROCUTED ]

Now, Gary, Gary, Jerry!

[ GIVES THUMBS-UP to MAMA, WHICH SHE RETURNS ]

I'm doing this for your benefit,

so pay attention.

[ GARY? NODS ]

[ CRACKS NECK, BONES, etc. ]

[ TAKES HER HAND ]

Your eyes... are like a cesspool of dirty water.

Your hands...

... like cement.

So rough and hard.

Breath...

... like a fetid swamp.

[ RECORD SCRATCH NOISE! ]

What kind of sick, disgusting jerk are you? That's gross!

Exactly.

Now.

After a few sessions,

we'll have Jerry behaving just like me.

Listen, Jerry may be cheap, but...

... I'm really lucky to have him.

You are?

Yes. [ CLIMBS onto his LAP ]

No, no, no! [ FLIPS SWITCH ]

This is all wrong!

[ BOTH are ELECTROCUTED ]

Now...

Shall we start again?

I think we've had enough.

Fester, you're a genius.

You may be a bit... unorthodox, but...

... who can argue with the results?

[ THEY EMBRACE, WALK OFF ]

Four minutes [ GRANNY holds up HOURGLASS ]

Nice work!

Doctor.

Hm.

I wonder if we can bill 'em for the full hour.

[ GOMEZ DRUMMING ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ, DRESSED all in BLACK like BEATNIKS ]

[ MORTICIA WAVING ARMS OFF-BEAT ] Night falls, darkness lingers.

[ GOMEZ DRUMS ]

Swamp cries.

[ DRUMMING ]

Bats fly.

[ DRUMMING ]

I... smile.

[ DRUM! ]

Ahhh, querida.

Reliving our youth brings out the...

... deep poet in me.

No.

[ GASPS ]

Shall we?

Swing goes~

[ DRUMMING ]

Cool, Tish baby.

[ DRUMMING ]

[ MORTICIA SITS on SWING SEAT, GOMEZ THROWS AWAY DRUM ]

Ahh, querida.

[ PUSHES HER ]

You're quite the swinger.

Darling, we haven't done this in ages.

I know.

I feel like a teenager!

Gomez, do you still have enough energy to go all the way?

Let's see!

[ HE PUSHES HER ] Wheeeee~

... eeeeeeeeeeee. [ SWINGS back round, KICKS GOMEZ in BUTT ]

Ugh!

[ CRASHES to GROUND ]

Oh.

Darling?

I've still got it.

[ LAUGHS, OUT OF BREATH ]

[ FAINTS ]

Thanks for letting me carry your books home, Mary.

And for letting me scrape the gum off the bottoms of your shoes.

Whatever. [ TAKES BOOKS BACK ]

See you tomorrow.

[ TURNS TO OPEN GATES ]

Wait.

Where do you think you're going?

Inside.

Not yet.

[ ANOTHER BOY APPEARS ]

So tomorrow then, right, Bugsley?

It's Pugsley.

[ FAKE LAUGHTER ]

Oh, you're so funny.

[ KISSES HIS CHEEK ]

[ PUGSLEY SMILES ]

[ SIGHS DOPILY, TURNS TO GATE ]

What do you see in that pipsqueak, anyway!?

What?

Are you jealous?

Yeah.

Good.

You can carry my books.

[ FREQUENCY TUNING SOUND... ]

She's got them both wrapped around her finger and twisting in the wind.

I'm impressed.

But nobody tortures my brother.

Except me.

Dance, dance, dance.

[ STRUGGLING NOISE ]

Now pay attention.

[ GRUNTING INSIDE BOX ]

[ GRUNTS ]

Women like to be showered with gifts.

[ GRUNTS, SCREAMS at sight of FIRE ]

Here you go.

[ HANDS HER LIT DYNAMITE ]

[ GASP ]

[ EXPLOSION! ]

And that's what I would do on a first date, Jennifer.

[ SHE FAINTS, LEANING against FESTER's SHOULDER ]

F.

[ STRUGGLING NOISES ]

F.

[ STRUGGLING ]

Pay attention!

And this is what I would do on a second date.

[ GIRL SCREAMS, as TORPEDO is LAUNCHED at HER ]

I don't understand.

You notice that all these women are swooning around me?

You know,

patients often fall in love with their therapists.

You don't think... ?

[ Laurie comes back, hand-in-hand with JERRY ] We don't have an appointment, but we have to see you again.

You have to see him again.

I could think of better ways to spend my money.

Your money?

It's our money!

Well, when we get married...

Or should I say, "if"?

Oh, I suppose you'd rather, end up with someone like Fester here.

I would be happier with a raving psychopath than a cheapskate like you.

I was afraid something like this was going to happen.

Laurie.

You're my client.

It would be unethical for me to go out with you.

[ SCOFFS ]

What?

You make my skin crawl!

That's very flattering, really.

But I think the both of you should leave, right now.

[ YELLS into MEGAPHONE ] Lurch to the dungeon!

Lurch to the dungeon!

Lurch! Come to the dungeon.

Lurch, to the dungeon!

Lurch, to the dungeon!

[ LIFTS UP MEGAPHONE ] Lurch... !

You rang?

Oh.

Lurch.

Would you please show these people out?

Before I do any more harm? [ CLUTCHES CHEST in PAIN ]

What are you talking about?

[ LURCH GROANS ]

[ FESTER SOBS ]

[ LURCH GROWLS, ADVANCES towards COUPLE ]

[ FESTER CRYING ]

[ LIFTS them by their NAPES ]

Hey... !

Put us down, you freak!

I only ever wanted to help people.

Are you going to let a few lovesick women stop you?

But they keep falling for me... !

[ SCREAMS as BODIES keep FALLING ]

That's it!

I quit!

[ SCREAMING, FALLING ]

[ GOMEZ and MORTICIA, dressed like HIPPIES, in their FLOWER-decal'd 'ITTMOBILE' CAR ]

Ahh, querida.

Remember when we used to drive down the railroad tracks at night?

The headlights turned off.

Those diesel engines,

bearing down on us.

There's nothing more romantic than the threat of impending death.

[ TURNS CAR IGNITION ON ]

[ MORTICIA DRIVES CAR, GOMEZ sticks HANDS UP, WAVING ]

[ 4-WAY RAILWAY SIGN ]

[ FESTER OPENS DOORS ]

[ WALKS DOWN STAIRS, STOPPED BY CROSSING FENCE ]

[ GOMEZ and MORTICIA PULL UP in their CAR ]

Fester!

Why the long face?

I'm quitting my practice.

[ THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER ]

But you've helped so many people!

Tell that to Jerry.

Laurie's so smitten with me, she's ready to call off her engagement.

Fester, you always were quite the homewrecker. [ NODS APPROVINGLY ]

Yeah...

But from now on, I'm going to stick to demolition.

If Laurie doesn't marry Jerry,

I'm gonna have to live with his guilt for the rest of my life!

[ LOOKS UP WONDERINGLY ] Hey...

Fester,

this is no time to think about yourself.

You're right.

I'm gonna have to find Laurie and convince her to forget all about me!

Peace, brother. [ FLASHES PEACE SIGN ]

[ THEY DRIVE OFF ]

[ FESTER DUCKS UNDER FENCE ]

[ ALMOST TRAMPLED BY TRAIN... ]

[ KEEPS LOOKING BOTH WAYS, AS TRAIN KEEPS GOING... ]

That was close!

Uh-oh.

[ TRAIN HEADS STRAIGHT FOR HIM... !]

[ MARY, at the ADDAMS' FAMILY GATE ]

Pugsley? [ ENTERS ]

I got your note.

[ GATES CLOSE ]

Pugsley?

[ BACKS AWAY FROM GATES... ]

[ TURNS TO SEE.. WEDNESDAY! ]

I know what you did to my brother.

And I'm impressed.

You are?

Congratulations.

You did a great job using him to make Biff jealous.

You mean you don't mind?

Why should I?

As long as he gets hurt in the end.

Thanks.

[ MARY ENTERS GATES ]

So, Pugsley.

My brother.

Did you hear what Mary had to say about you?

[ PUGSLEY POPS OUT from BEHIND A TREE ]

She was just using me.

[ WEDNESDAY tips over TREE ]

[ CRASH! ]

[ PUGSLEY, UNDER TREE ] Ow.

[ CLUNK! ]

Love hurts.

'REEL PLEX' 'CITIZEN VEIN'

[ SCREAMs from MOVIE SCREEN ]

[ FESTER enters THREATRE ]

[ SCREAM ]

Laurie!

[ AUDIENCE SHUSHES HIM ]

Sorry.

[ IN HUSHED TONE ] Laurie... !

[ SHUSHES HIM AGAIN] Quiet down!

Laurie............... !

Shhhhhhhh! Get lost!

[ GOMEZ dressed like ELVIS, MORTICIA with FARRAH FAWCETT-hair ]

Fester?

Is that you?

Gomez, Morticia.

What are you doing here?

I have to find Laurie and convince her to marry Jerry.

Everyone looks alike in the dark.

So I brought along, a little help.

[ BRINGS OUT a LIGHTBULB ]

See you later.

[ PUTS LIGHTBULB in MOUTH ]

[ LIGHTBULB lights UP inside FESTER'S MOUTH ]

Bonne chance!

Tish! That's French.

[ GASP! ]

[ GOMEZ kisses UP and DOWN her ARM ]

[ MORTICIA takes long sip of her DRINK ]

[ SCREAMS from MOVIE SCREEN ]

[ LIGHT FLICKERS ]

Pugsley, I told you, I don't need you to carry my books home for me, today.

Oh, it's no trouble.

It is for me and my house and the other side of town.

[ ENTERS GATE ]

[ GATES CLOSE BEHIND HER ]

... !

Pugsley?

This isn't funny.

Whatever, I'm leaving!

[ TAKES HER BOOKS ]

[ VINE CURLS AROUND HER LEG ]

Agh!

Ah! Hey!

[ MORE VINES CURL AROUND HER ]

Help!

Help!

[ STRUGGLING as VINES GRAB HER ]

[ SCREAMS and FALLS into WELL ]

[ WATERY CRASH! ]

Ugh!

[ SOBBING ]

[ THROWS FLOATY into WELL ]

Oh!

[ CRASH! ] [ CRY OF DESPAIR ]

Looks like she fell for you, after all.

Help!

How do I get out of here... !?

Just follow the alligators.

[ GROWLING, HIGH PITCHED SCREAMS ]

Ow!

Oh, ow, ow!

Oh!

[ SIBLINGS HIGH-FIVE ]

[ MUFFLED, with LIGHTBULB in MOUTH ] Lori... !

Lori... !

[ MUFFLED AGAIN ] Lori... !

Fester?

What are you doing here?!

I went by your house,

your mother said I could find you here.

It's no use.

You can hide from me,

but you can't hide from your feelings.

[ WOLF HOWLS ]

What is he talking about?

Are you blind?

Isn't it obvious?

She's in love with me.

What?!

What!?

Shhhhhh.

What!?

[ HUSHED ] What?!

It's not her fault.

Everyone knows that a lot of women fall in love with their therapists.

Let's face it.

I'm irresistible.

Now look, Fester.

Why don't you just...

Get outta here!

Alright.

Come on, Laurie. [ PULLS HER to her FEET ]

Uhh...

[ GERRY GETS UP ] Over my dead body.

Oh!

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ GET UP ]

Gentlemen,

may I suggest a duel?

[ SCREAMING ]

Choose your weapons. [ HOLDS UP TWO SWORDS ]

I'm not fencing anyone.

Suit yourself.

[ THROWS THEM to the SIDE ]

[ A MAN SCREAMS ]

Whoa, watch it!

Duelling pistols then? [ HOLDS UP TWO PISTOLS ]

[ FESTER TAKES A PISTOL ]

[ GLEEFULLY SHOOTS into the AIR ]

[ AUDIENCE SCREAMING ]

He's got a gun... !

[ SCREAMING and EVACUATING ]

This'll do nicely.

You'd best stand back, dear.

Fester never did have good aim.

[ GERRY HOLDING PISTOL ]

You're not doing this.

Ten paces!

Turn,

and then fire!

[ FESTER and GERRY STAND BACK to BACK ]

One...

Jerry! This is crazy.

You don't have to go through with this.

It's okay. I know what I'm doing.

[ FALLS over RAILING ]

[ FESTER and LORI PEER over RAILING ]

I guess it's just you and I now.

I don't think so.

[ CLIMBS RAILING ]

[ SCREAMS as she FALLS ] ... Gerry!

[ CRASH! ]

Now that's true love.

Too bad it wasn't a big enough fall to do any serious injury.

[ ADDAMSES PEER OVER RAILING ]

Look, they're holding hands.

Well, old man. Looks like you put their relationship back together, after all!

Nevertheless,

my career as a couple's counselor is over.

Too dangerous?

No, I'm just tired of seeing other people having all the fun.

[ CACKLES as he CLIMBS over RAILING himself ] Ha ha... !

Jerry!! ... haha!

[ FALLS, CRASHES ]

Hey, get off!

Sorry.

Shall we?

As long as it's with you, querida.

[ BOTH ABOUT TO JUMP OVER RAILING... ! ]

[ GOMEZ, POWERING UP GIANT LASER CANNON ]

Did you see how miserable Pugsley was this evening?

Yes.

You know, breaking up is even more fun than making up.

Too bad he'll get over it.

Well, girlfriends come and go!

[ PUGLSEY FLIES THROUGH AIR ] Wednesday... !

[ CRASH! ]

But sisters are forever.

Querida, no peeking!

[ COVERS EYES ] Ooh!

Fester.

I need more power.

Comin' right up.

[ CLIPS JUMPER CABLES to EARLOBES ]

[ CLOSES EYES in EFFORT, ELECTRICITY courses through CABLES ]

Nice, old man.

That should do the trick!

Can I look now?

Almost finished.

You know, querida?

I really enjoyed reliving our youth.

Yes.

[ STILL COVERING EYES ] But I'm looking forward to growing old and decrepit together~

Ahh, now. Right this way, querida!

You can look now.

[ GASPS in DELIGHT ]

[ ' GOMEZ LOVES MORTICIA ' laser-etched into the MOON ]

Why, it's beautiful... !

Ohhh...

Wow.

[ SULTRY VOICE ] Not half as beautiful as you...

[ MORTICIA PURRS ]

Awooooooo... !

Ooh.