Original subtitles

# Yeah, not going out, not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# Yeah, not going out

# We are not going out. #

Lucy just texted.

Her and your mum will be back in a minute.

They went to a very nice restaurant, apparently.

Great food.

I see Taylor Swift has been arrested for drowning a ferret.

Just checking you're listening.

Have you enjoyed me baby-sitting for you?

Nope.

Don't hold back.

Is this still about me not letting you watch The Exorcist?

I thought you were going to spin your head the whole way around then.

Look, it's a very scary film, and we don't want you up all night

having nightmares, you've got school in the morning.

No, I haven't. I've been suspended.

Well, it wasn't for chatting too much.

What were you suspended for? I did some artwork.

You don't get suspended for doing artwork.

It was called Life Is Poo, and it was a picture of a poo.

Ah... Still a bit harsh to suspend you.

I did it in magic marker on the bonnet of the head teacher's car.

OK, now it's taken a turn.

That's not artwork. That's graffiti.

What's the difference?

Well, lack of effort for a start.

Art isn't about effort.

It can just be a simple idea that gets a strong reaction.

Yeah. Is that right?

Well, if you were in my class, I'd be giving that a D minus.

We don't say "D minus" nowadays, old man.

It's numbers one to nine.

Well, that is definitely a number two.

It's not fair. Other people do stuff like this

and they don't get into trouble.

Look at this. This is on some derelict building where I hang out.

I don't think you should be going in derelict buildings.

I'm glad you're not my dad. Yeah, so am I.

Are you going to tell my mum? What, that I'm not your real dad? Ha!

Well, at least, I don't think I am.

Don't tell your mum I said that.

That looks like a Banksy. A what?

Who else has seen this?

Nobody. It only appeared this afternoon,

and nobody ever goes in there but me.

What's a Banksy?

Um, the building.

Looks like a bank...see?

It wasn't a bank.

It's some old warehouse at the end of my road.

Is it? Why don't we just delete this photo?

Why?

Well, that way your mum won't find out you've been in there.

Been in where?

In the fridge to get a Coke.

Olivia, you know you're not allowed Coke.

Lee!

Yeah, but he can't tell me off. He's just said he's not my real dad.

I'm just popping out for milk.

Hello?

Anybody home?

DOOR CREAKS

I like what you've done with the place.

Can't lie, though, it looked a lot nicer on the Airbnb website.

I can see the headline now.

"Man finds original Banksy.

"'I felt it my duty to share it with the world,'

"said local man, Lee, 37."

DOOR CLOSES

Well, I can see why you're hiding.

The state you've made of this place with that sledgehammer.

Oh...

I think we need to tighten those hinges.

We don't want someone stealing you.

Well...

We don't want someone else stealing you.

What the hell's that?

I thought you were getting milk! Oh, this is much better than milk.

You are going to love this.

A door? All right, you're going to adore this.

This isn't any old door.

It's what's on the other side of the door.

What? Guess.

A door knocker?

Nope.

No, that's all I've got, but I enjoyed that.

Can we play What's On The Door again tomorrow?

Brace yourself. This is huge!

Well, we've certainly never played that one before.

On the other side of this door is an original, as yet undiscovered,

Banksy.

No, there isn't. See for yourself.

SHE GASPS

How do you know it's a Banksy?

Because it looks like a Banksy.

Well, you look like a normal civilised human being.

And it's signed. What does it say?

Best wishes, Jamie Lee Curtis.

What do you think it says?!

It says Banksy cos it's a Banksy.

Where did you find it?

In a derelict warehouse.

What were you doing in there? I thought we needed milk.

Well, Tesco's was shut so I thought I'd...

..walk round a derelict warehouse.

And you just took it?

Well, I didn't plan to.

I just wanted to be on the news for discovering it.

But then I remembered that credit card toolkit that you got me.

It's got a brilliant little screwdriver.

I usually only use it for getting dirt out me toenails.

It's a very handy accessory.

Which, of course, is what I now am.

What? An accessory...to theft.

It's not theft.

All I did was take an old door

from a building that was going to be demolished anyway.

If anything, I gave them a head start.

I should invoice them.

It still belongs to someone. Yeah, me.

That's how the law works in this country.

Habeas corpus, losers weepus.

And what exactly are you planning to do with it?

I don't know.

Keep it? Really? An actual original Banksy,

and you're just going to keep it? Yeah.

I love art, me.

All the greats. Leonardo, Michelangelo...

..Limoncello.

You're going to sell it, aren't you? Course I'm going to sell it.

Be worth a fortune.

Oh, shame you won't be able to spend any of it, because where

you're going, you'll only need a few quid a week for tobacco and soap.

I don't smoke. You don't wash.

I can't go to prison just for stealing an old door...

Can I?

I mean, if someone then pays me loads of money for that door,

well, that's up to them. I'll just say I didn't know its value.

In law, ignorance is no excuse,

which is a shame given it's your superpower.

I can sell it anonymously.

No-one needs to know I was even in there.

Lee, you've just dragged it through the street.

You probably passed a hundred doorbell cameras.

Everyone's got one on their front door now.

Ironic, isn't it? Stole a door, got caught by a door.

Oh, bloody hell! What am I going to do?

Take it back!

Right now!

Tell you what, if Banksy had a wife like you,

he'd be out jet washing half the walls in Bristol!

BANGING

CRASH

Ooh!

Oops.

Ooh...

Genuine Banksy spray cans.

I'm at least having them.

That is not stealing.

That is litter picking.

Oh, what's going on here then?

Hands where I can see 'em.

Oh, I see.

Bit of late night graffiti, is it? What's the vibe then?

A serious burner, or are you throwing up a quick fat cap tag of your crew?

Actually, you look a bit old for that sort of graffiti.

Is it not old school?

You know, "Sharon's a slag", that sort of thing?

Well, whatever it is, you're trespassing.

And my employer has a policy of always prosecute...

Hang on.

Is that...

Are you...?

Oh, my God! You are! You're Banksy! Right here, on my site!

I can't believe it!

But why have you kicked a hole in your own artwork?

Oh, I see, is it that the little girl in the painting

has damaged it with her sledgehammer?

Does it represent the innocence of the young girl demonstrating

the learned violence inherent in the system?

Sick!

Ah...

SPRAY CAN HISSES

Oh, here we go again. Another one!

HISSING CONTINUES

DOOR SLAMS

Oh, how did it go?

How did what go?

Your audition for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

What do you think I'm talking about? The door? Yeah...

All fine.

All fine?

This is you, Lee. Things are never "all fine".

Well, I suppose there were a couple of...minor things.

I sort of slightly accidentally...

..kicked a hole in it. Oh, my God!

It's OK.

Can't get into trouble for damaging a bit of old wood.

Can you? You can when it's got very expensive art on it.

Do you remember those protestors who damaged that Van Gogh?

They were sentenced to over two years in prison.

Really? I suppose that's the problem with crimes against Van Gogh.

It's hard to get a decent hearing.

This isn't a joke, Lee.

You've vandalised a very expensive piece of art.

It's a serious crime!

Just thank God nobody saw you.

Oh, God... Who saw you? A security guard.

It's OK. It's not as bad as it seems.

True.

By your standards we're only on five on the wacky-twat-ometer.

I had my face covered, and he thought I was actually Banksy,

so I sort of went along with it.

Oh, the wacky-twat-ometer has just gone up to a seven.

Don't worry. He had no idea what I look like or where I live.

DOORBELL RINGS

Has the wacky-twat-ometer just gone up to a 10?

Yes? Sorry to bother you.

Well, it is rather late.

That's an odd reaction.

Most people would want to know what a security guard

knocking on their door at this time of night wants.

Well, I'm not most people.

I'm not even some people.

He's barely a person.

I've got something of yours.

You dropped your wallet.

Not mine. It's got your address on the driver's license.

Previous owner. And your face.

Yeah, he did look like me.

I'll forward it on and tell him

not to walk around derelict warehouses late at night.

Interesting.

I didn't say that's where I found it.

Well, you're a security guard.

So, uh, I just assumed.

I could be working at Sainsbury's.

Well, maybe one day if you work hard and reach for the stars...

Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me...Banksy.

Banksy? I'm not Banksy.

Then what were you doing hanging around a derelict warehouse

in the middle of the night holding spray paint cans?

What spray paint cans?

Those spray paint cans.

Oh, world's best kept secret.

Wouldn't want your identity getting out, would we?

Makes no difference to me because, for the second time, I'm not Banksy.

That's exactly what Banksy would say.

It's also exactly what someone who wasn't Banksy would say.

Which is also something that Banksy would say.

This could go on for a while, couldn't it?

Look, I'm not Banksy.

And for the record, I'm also not Keyser Soze,

the Masked Singer, Jack the Ripper, The Stig from Top Gear,

the Amazing Spider-Man, Lord Lucan, or the Honey Monster.

I know you're not. Cos you're Banksy.

I'm not Banksy.

In that case, I'd have to ask what you were doing

trespassing in the middle of the night on private property

and damaging an extremely valuable Banksy artwork.

OK, maybe I am Banksy. I knew it!

Oh, for the love of God!

Hold on. Is that your wife finding out for the first time?

Yes!

All this time it's been staring me in the face,

and here am I just thinking he's a knob.

Do me a favour though, will you?

Let's keep this between me and you.

It's very important my identity doesn't get out.

Oh, I understand.

But obviously I'll have to tell people

I found the artwork on the door.

There's going to be a lot of interest in that.

And when the press arrive, obviously they're going to ask me,

"Did you catch a glimpse of the man himself?"

What are you going to say?

Well, that depends. I mean, I could say, "No, it's a mystery.

"I never saw a thing."

I like it. Very clever.

I can almost hear the phone call from Sainsbury's.

But the problem with that is it makes me look bad at my job.

And I'm not bad at my job.

I like to think of myself as the man who put

the "security" into "security guard".

But this way I look like the man who put the "twat" into "nightwatchmen".

That makes more sense if you write it down.

So, I might just say, "Yeah, caught him in the act.

"Here's his full name and address."

Look, I'm a very big fan, Mr Banksy.

To be honest, after you scarpered, I did briefly consider taking

the door off its hinges and keeping the artwork for myself.

But it's not my property.

And that could cause all sorts of problems.

Only an idiot would do that.

Yeah...

A gormless, arse-witted, moronic buffoon.

Thanks for your input, Mrs Banksy.

What would be much better is if I had an original Banksy of my own.

Made specially for me.

Where ownership was never in dispute.

Not to sell or anything.

It's just something nice to hang in my kitchen.

I've got a lovely RSPCA cat calendar in the kitchen if you're interested.

It's not that simple.

I need inspiration.

You know, I have to wait for something to hit me.

And I feel it's close.

I understand.

And I have total respect for you.

Thank you. But it does mean I'll have to grass you up to the press.

If that's total respect,

I don't want to see what lack of respect looks like.

Well, don't turn around and face me then.

So, what do you say?

Looks like my hands are tied.

Well, it will when he sees the painting.

I'll be back first thing in the morning to collect it.

Well, I think I got away with that.

Got away with it? What the hell are you talking about?!

Well, at least there's a plan.

Oh, and what a great plan it is!

You make a deal, he goes away, we go to sleep,

some magical elves come and make an original Banksy.

He comes back, and you hand it over.

Yeah, I can't think of any weak links in that one.

Is it the magical elves? Yes, it's the magical elves!

I can make a Banksy.

How hard can it be? Right, I'm having nothing more to do with this.

I'm going to bed.

Wake me up when you're being sentenced.

Trust me, Lucy. I will save the day.

Save the day?

You're the one who wrecked the day in the first place.

You're not Lassie coming to the rescue.

You're Lassie trying to clear up after it crapped on the lawn!

What time is it?

Eight o'clock.

He could be here any minute.

It's OK, Lucy, don't worry because I have sorted it.

It was quite easy once I'd learned the formula.

What formula? Think about it.

What does every Banksy have in common? Juxtaposition.

A protestor throwing a weapon.

But what is that weapon? It's a bunch of flowers.

A little girl is playing with something.

But with what? A sledgehammer.

You take something that is good and has virtue,

and you put it with something dark and unpleasant.

Enough about our marriage. What's your point?

I give to you...

"Dalek Firing Out A Party Popper".

That doesn't look anything like a bloody Dalek!

It looks like an underweight dustbin on a Pride march.

Well, there's others to choose from.

What the hell is that?

"Margarita with extra mushroom...cloud".

Like nuclear war, but on a pizza.

Have you been sniffing those cans?

"Tooth Fairy with a pneumatic drill".

"Nun with a stun gun".

"Angela Rippon versus Predator".

DOORBELL RINGS

I can't watch this.

He's never going to fall for any of these efforts.

Well, as a 10-year-old girl told me a few hours ago,

art isn't about effort.

It's about a simple idea that gets a strong reaction.

Course it is.

DOORBELL RINGS

You took your time.

You know me. Elusive.

Right, I've got the reporters

coming by your artwork on the door very soon.

So, I need to be quick.

Question is, am I telling them about you or not?

Is that for me?

Yep. I've been up all night working on it.

Right, let's see it then.

Ta-da!

Is that a joke?

Yes.

Yes, yes, it is. It's a joke about the futility of...

..creative endeavour in the world of AI.

It's a deliberate, childish reaction to the lack of inspiration

currently infesting the artistic landscape.

It's a poo.

But it's not any old poo, is it?

It's got eyes.

Eyes that can see where art has been going for the last 20 years.

Where's it been going?

Well, it's been going down the pan, hasn't it?

I blame Damien Hirst, sticking diamonds on a skull

and plonking pregnant cows in formaldehyde.

Learn to paint, mate.

Well, that's not exactly painting, is it?

Well, that's the point.

It's satirical.

If Tracey Emin can shove her unmade bed in our faces,

I can do a big poo.

Not on her bed. Obviously.

It's not like your other work.

Well, it's even more rare then, isn't it?

That's why the Frog Chorus by Paul McCartney sold more than Hey, Jude.

Did it?

Probably.

This is my new era.

Picasso had his blue period.

I'm having me poo period.

Look, do you want it or not?

Are you going to sign it?

That depends.

Are you going to tell anyone about me?

Of course not.

Banksy is only Banksy if nobody knows who he is.

Exactly.

After all, there'd be no magic

if everybody knew you were just a nondescript, boring,

middle-aged northern bloke who was nothing particularly special.

I'm going to miss you.

All sorted.

You mean he actually accepted one of them?

Yep. And he even asked me to sign it.

And, yes, before you ask, I wrote Banksy.

You absolute cretin.

What should I have written?

"Hugs and kisses, Lee, we'll always have Paris?" What's your problem?

What's my problem?!

I never thought for one minute he'd actually accept any of this rubbish.

But now he has it's even worse.

How? Because not only did you steal a Banksy, then damage a Banksy,

then pretend you are Banksy, you've now tried to forge a Banksy.

Not bad for one night's work.

No-one will find out. Until he tries to sell it.

He said he wasn't going to sell it. Of course he's going to sell it.

It's like on Antiques Roadshow when they say,

"Oh, we only want to find out the value for the insurance."

Then bosh, straight down to Cash Converters.

Of course he's going to try and sell it.

Especially now it's been signed by Banksy.

Oh, who cares? No-one will take him seriously.

Yes, they will.

He's about to unveil a genuine Banksy to the world.

So, when he says he's got a second one direct from the man himself,

they'll believe him.

But when they see the second one, they'll know it's not real.

It's a load of crap. Literally.

Of course they'll know it's not real.

So, what's the problem?

The problem is he'll be in a whole world of trouble for trying

to pass it off as real.

And what happens then? He has to tell the truth.

The whole thing unravels.

And you get put in prison for trespass, attempted art theft,

damaging a million pound artwork, and now, forgery.

Oh, God! Life is poo, isn't it? So, now what?

Go after him.

Tell him everything. The whole truth.

Beg him for forgiveness, and ask him not to tell anyone anything.

OK.

God, I need a cup of tea.

You can't.

Why?

We still haven't got any milk.

Hello?

Mr Security man?

Me again!

I need to tell you something.

It's quite funny, really, in a...

.."you thought you were suddenly very rich but now you're not"

sort of way.

Oh, that... That damage isn't too bad.

CAMERAS CLICK

Oh, it does open.

There was me trying to get through the cat flap.

Who are you?

Erm...

What are you doing back here?

What do you mean, "back here"?

I thought you were trying to hide your identity.

Oh, hang on.

Do you mean...

Is this...?

Looks like you rumbled yourself, mate.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I present to you...

..Banksy. Banksy!

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

How does it feel to be exposing yourself to

the whole world like this?

I'm not Banksy!

He is, and he did me an original artwork.

Which is for sale, by the way.

I thought you said you weren't going to sell it.

So you are Banksy?

INDISTINCT SHOUTS

No, I'm not!

Can you show us the other piece, please?

Oh...

What's that?

This Banksy is a deliberately childish reaction to

the lack of effort currently infesting the artistic landscape.

Brilliant!

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

Offers accepted,

but I want six zeroes - with at least a one at the front, obviously.

Not just the zeroes.

Banksy, what caused this change of direction?

THEY ALL SHOUT QUESTIONS

He's not Banksy!

Sorry?

This man is not Banksy.

And he didn't paint the artwork on that door.

Then who did?

She did.

So SHE'S Banksy!

Stop!

Of course she's not Banksy!

Go on, tell them what you just told me.

She's the ten-year-old girl who fooled the art world,

for a few minutes at least.

So why did you play this prank?

Erm, I got in trouble at school for doing graffiti.

So I wanted to show that it wasn't fair,

and some people get famous for it, like Banksy.

And how did you produce the artwork?

Easy. I bought a stencil from Amazon.

People weren't stupid enough to fall for it, at first,

but then I met this guy.

Oh, God.

I just went along with it for a bit of fun.

He's lying.

He fell for it as well.

At least I didn't pretend I was Banksy.

Well, at least I didn't blackmail anyone.

At least I didn't damage priceless artwork.

Priceless? A bloody kid did it.

Are you not following this?

But you didn't know that, you trespassing, lying git.

Not only did this gullible, middle-aged man... 37.

..fall for such a clearly transparent hoax,

he also had the audacity to try and pass off this piece

of artwork as a Banksy original...

..despite it obviously being done by someone who has the artistic

abilities of a ten-year-old child.

I can hear this, you know?

And as for the real Banksy,

rather sensibly, not available for comment.

Well, you said you wanted to get yourself on the news.

Where are you going?

To get some milk.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

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