Original subtitles

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

You're not impressed with my craft work, are you?

Of course I am. They're really...unique.

So why are you holding it like a bunch of pubic hair

you've just unclogged from the shower?

I think you might need to start trimming more regularly.

Seriously, they're... They're really...great.

You've taken a small hobby

and turned it into a potential gold mine.

And you've managed to reduce the feral pigeon population.

You've killed two birds with one stone

and then used the feathers.

So are all the stalls at this craft market tomorrow

going to be this sort of witchy-woo-woo stuff?

I think the phrase is "alternative remedies".

Alternatives to what? Stuff that works?

You might not believe in this sort of thing, but other people do.

Do you?

A bit.

So, come on, then, how do these dreamcatchers actually work?

Well, if you must know, the net catches the bad dreams,

and the good dreams filter through the feathers onto the sleeper

to bring peace and tranquillity.

Unless you're the pigeon.

Bet his mum's having nightmares.

Proo!

Do you really think they're OK?

I'd rather hear it from you than at the market tomorrow.

They're excellent. Made by a master craftsman.

I'm a woman.

All right, made by a woman craftsman.

It will fly off the shelves.

Literally.

SHE SIGHS

Three hours, not one sale.

Well, I think they're great.

In fact, I'm going to buy one for Auntie Jean's birthday.

Don't you dare! What?

Patronise me like that.

OK, how would you like me to patronise you?

It's like sending a load of Valentine's cards to someone

because you know no-one could ever fancy them.

Oh, they were from you, were they?

Just admit it, you think my dreamcatchers are rubbish.

Stop saying that, I don't!

So why do you look so embarrassed to be here?

Oh, it's not you, it's this whole place.

When I think of markets, it's six lighters for �1

or fake Gucci handbags for a tenner.

I know. I'm the one opening them on Christmas morning.

Look at these people.

I bet their kids have all got weird names like Rainbow and Opal Fruit.

My name's actually Moondust.

Of course it is.

I bet they all believe in crystals and bloody horoscopes.

And what's wrong with horoscopes?

Cos it's nonsense.

The fact that you're a Pisces only tells us one thing about you,

that your mum and dad had it off roughly in May.

Sorry, when I say "roughly"...

Look, as far as I'm concerned,

this place is full of gullible idiots.

So if they don't like your dreamcatchers,

who cares what they think?

Aw, thanks, Lee.

You always find the right thing to say to make me feel better.

That's nice.

Now who's the gullible idiot?

Oh, here we go. Customer.

I wanted something for my girlfriend.

Well, you've come to the right place.

Catch a dream, catch a bargain.

Really?

No, I mean, I was walking past here a few minutes ago

and I... I wanted something.

Right? And I robbed this off your store.

Oh, I see.

I want to give it back.

Well...thank you.

It's...wrong to steal, but you obviously realise that

and you've done the right thing.

No, it's not that.

I gave it to my girlfriend, and she just didn't want it.

She thinks it's a piece of crap.

Well, at least he didn't patronise you.

I'll get us a coffee.

I sense a sadness in you.

Someone you care about is struggling.

I have a third eye.

You've got quite the collection, haven't you?

But do not despair.

You're about to get lucky.

Thanks for the offer, but I'm here with my wife.

She and I share something in common.

Oh, is it your skincare regime?

Well, it's not our handsome husbands.

Yeah, all right, love, I do the one-liners.

Like me, she has a strong psychic energy.

And I feel good fortune coming her way.

Is that right? Is what right?

Er, not you. I was talking to Derren Brown's grandmother here.

You're a new face round here.

Yeah, I'm just here helping my wife sell some dreamcatchers.

Well, I'm trying to.

She's not doing much business, to be honest with you.

Yeah, well, it's not her fault, is it?

Isn't it? Of course not!

It's the heavenly cosmos.

Mercury's in retrograde until the new moon.

You want to tell her that.

You want me to say, "Don't worry that you're feeling narky, love,

"it's just time of the month"?

You haven't met my wife, have you?

Don't mock it, mate. These things have an effect.

My wife's having a slow day, too.

Oh, is that right? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

We get a drum circle going?

We ask the elders to bestow us the gift of good fortune?

All right, you're not thinking what I'm thinking.

We buy something from each other's stall, but we don't tell them

that we've had this chat.

That way, they make a sale, and neither of us are out of pocket.

Tit for quite literally tat.

OK. Seems like an opportunity for harmonious symbiosis.

We're over there.

Bacon buttie and a Bovril, please.

Worth a try.

Any sales yet?

Nope. I don't think my new designs are very good.

Have faith.

I think there is a strong aura of imminent change in the air.

Hello.

Namaste.

Yep. May the force be with you.

Lovely. Lovely. Very powerful.

Such creative use of colour and bent wire.

Thank you.

Yes. I can definitely see this hanging from my wife's chakra.

Saffron used to make jewellery for the French royal family.

Oh, well, that's great.

The French have a royal family?

They did in the 1700s.

Previous life.

Wow! That's...mental!

One of my more recent designs.

Oh, yeah? When did you do this one - the 1800s?

Oh. Erm, it's lovely. Very artsy, but without being...fartsy.

Are you looking for anything in particular?

Just...something pretty.

Pretty? You can go to Claire's Accessories for pretty, mate.

These are all tuned into a divine frequency, these are.

Yeah. I can feel it.

It's pyrite. It attracts wealth.

45 quid.

Well, it definitely works.

CARD READER CHIMES

Right, well, I'll be seeing you...around.

Yep. Namaste.

Back at you, Cleopatra.

You weren't Cleopatra in a previous life, were you?

Well, a bit more than I wanted to spend, but worth it to be

in the arms of a beautiful, happy woman tonight.

You shall have your wish.

Maybe I should try turning it off and back on again.

Now that you possess the stone, good fortune will be drawn to you.

Right, let me stop you there, Grotbags.

Any good fortune that is coming my way

is because I had a clever idea and made it happen.

It's logic, not magic.

Be wary of your words. What know you of this world?

MIMICS HER: What know you of grammar?

Anyway, if you don't mind, I've got three dozen recycled feathery

coat hangers to try and shift onto gullible morons.

I wish she'd stop doing that.

I thought you were getting me a drink.

Well, I got a little bit distracted.

It's pyrite!

It's not like you to buy something like that!

I know. I'd usually buy a steak and kidney pie, right?

It attracts wealth.

I was hoping it would help you sell some dreamcatchers.

Oh, that's sweet. And I'm pleased to see you being more open-minded.

In that case, I'll go back and get the one that attracts a threesome.

Which one's that?

Amber. Not the gemstone,

it's the woman who works in the car park.

I've heard she's very open-minded.

Oh, our luck might be changing.

What, for the threesome? You're more open-minded than I thought.

Hello.

Hello.

Pretty good dreamcatchers, right?

Mm-hm. All handcrafted by Lucy here.

How much?

Erm, �20 each.

Or two for 45.

What kind of feathers are these?

They're...bird.

What type of bird?

Dead ones.

Got anything else?

Just the dreamcatchers.

No tarot sets?

No. Incense burners? Worry dolls?

Singing bowls? No, nothing like that.

Massage beads? Chakra mats?

Salt lamps? Smudge sticks?

You're making these up now. Scrying mirrors? Hopi ear candles?

Look, it's just the dreamcatchers. Which one do you want?

Nah, you're all right. I'll leave it.

Don't do that. What?

The hard sell. It's embarrassing.

If people think my stuff is badly made crap,

then just leave them alone.

This is not badly made crap. It's very well-made...craft work.

I'll get us that coffee.

Oi!

Namaste.

Nana's bollocks. What was all that about?

We had a deal!

Oh, come on, mate, they're awful.

She's not even used the right feathers.

I think they might be chicken.

You can't catch dreams with chicken feathers.

You need a Eurasian chaffinch or a carrion crow.

Or a devious tit.

Right, if you're not sticking to your end of the bargain,

I want my money back.

Don't know about that, mate. It's Saffron's business, not mine.

She might not do returns.

It's ironic, innit, given all her previous lives?

Don't you go upsetting Saffron. She's very sensitive.

You wouldn't think it, what with her being a Taurus,

but she's on the cusp.

She's not the only one.

Hello again. Back for something else?

No, actually, I'd like to return this item.

Oh. Don't you like it?

No. No, it's fine.

It's just that it's supposed to bring prosperity,

and it doesn't work.

But you've only had it five minutes.

I know, but I did a scratchcard.

I could swap it if you like.

It's all right. I'll just have my money back, please.

GASPS: Oh!

I... I knew my new designs weren't very good.

I just feel awful.

Well, look, have you got anything for resilience and self-esteem?

Yes! Right, well, pop that round your neck, you'll be fine.

This man's not upsetting you, is he?

He doesn't like my work, so I'm giving him a refund.

Yeah, we can't take this back. It's damaged.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Spiritually damaged. You flooded it with negative energy.

All dry now.

No, mate, can't resell that.

It wouldn't be fair ripping off our faithful flock with damaged juju.

Interesting. You know I'm a trading standards officer?

Are you? Well, I used to be in a previous life.

Ancient Egypt, I used to prosecute pyramid schemes.

No refunds on damaged goods.

Oh, right, enough is enough.

Do you know the real reason I'm returning this?

You're returning it? What for?

Who's watching the stall?

I think we've proved we're shoplifter-proof.

I popped to the loo.

If you've got a weak bladder, jade is good.

I'd take it orally if I was you. It's the lesser of two evils.

I thought you bought that to bring me wealth.

It doesn't work.

Because you have flooded it with negative vibrations.

It's a stone, it doesn't have vibrations.

If I wanted genuine vibrating beads, I'd go to Ann Summers.

If you're struggling with your sex life, have you tried...?

Oh, give it a rest, sweet cheeks, it's all a load of horse shit!

I hope you're pleased with yourself.

Oh. It's not my fault, it's the heavenly cosmos.

There's soon to be a large celestial body showing in Uranus.

I'm so sorry about my husband.

He doesn't want to refund.

In fact, your products are all so beautiful, we'll take a few more.

Hasn't your Auntie Jean got a birthday coming up?

I haven't even got an Auntie Jean. She's patronising you.

I don't mind.

Pay the lady!

CARD READER CHIMES

Pleasure rubbing auras with you.

What the hell are you playing at, upsetting the poor woman like that?

Sorry, but I guess I was just annoyed that other people are

selling stuff and you're not. SHE SIGHS

Well, let's hope these gemstones bring us a change in fortune, hey?

How? Now I just look like I've won first prize at the Wanker Olympics.

Look, maybe it's time for a bit of brutal honesty

about the real issue here. Really?

SHE SIGHS

Yes.

We've been here over three hours, and I've not sold a single thing.

Can't keep making excuses. I think it's obvious what the problem is.

It's you.

Sorry?

Well, that man was right.

You do have a lot of negative energy, and people can feel that

when they walk past.

It's not my negative energy that's the problem here, it's...

Go on, say it.

It's my dreamcatchers. You think they're rubbish.

No, of course they're not. I love your dreamcatchers.

Well, nobody else does.

Yeah, well, van Gogh never sold a single painting when he was alive.

And Beethoven never sold a single CD.

So, come on, then, why aren't they selling?

SIGHS: Oh, maybe you're right.

Maybe it's just my negative energy that's the issue.

Exactly. Maybe I'd be better off on my own.

OK.

You do just mean today, right? Yes!

You mocked the power, and now it has brought you misfortune.

They should put a bell around your neck.

It's not too late to amend the past.

To make things right, you must obtain the lucky salt stones

of the Atacama Desert.

Oh, of course! Salt. It all makes sense now.

As long as that misfortune comes in the form of bland soup

or an icy pavement.

Although they are doing very good business.

How come they're so busy?

When I turn round, you're not going to be there, are you?

And there it is.

Ow!

Yeah, all right, Gandalf - if you're going to wear sandals,

make sure they're steel toecaps.

50 quid for an old bit of rock?

It's not even got the name of the town running through it.

Will you heed my words and buy the stone?

You're a nifty little mover, I'll give you that.

Have you got a Segway under that dress?

Hang on. Is this your stall? That it is.

Oh, I see. Fleece the nonbeliever with your salty old bollocks.

Sorry, Moondust.

As well as being lucky, it also has healing and rejuvenating powers.

Rubbish! There's scientific proof. What proof?

Well, I'm 46.

Yeah, all right, smartarse.

This stall seems very popular.

That's because all the profits go towards helping elderly goats.

Bit harsh.

No, these elderly goats!

We're a very supportive community,

so these kind of charity stalls always do very well.

Oh, is that right?

Are you going to buy one?

Of course. In fact, gather weary travellers and open thine ears.

Perfect.

I thought you and your negative energy were staying well away

to help me sell more.

Not that it helped. I still haven't sold a sausage.

Don't say "sausage" round here, you'll start a riot.

What are you doing? What does it look like? Packing away.

Oh, hang on. You know that phrase,

"Only a good friend will tell you that you smell?" No.

Well, it doesn't really affect you, does it?

Glad to hear it. I mean, you haven't got any friends.

Well, that's sort of what I've been asking you, isn't it?

And you haven't been honest.

Well, "smell" isn't really the right word, but, OK, sometimes

when you've been gardening and it's a hot day...

I meant the dreamcatchers!

So, come on. Last chance.

What do you really think of them?

Really? Yes!

I think they are absolute total and utter...perfection!

And I think others will start to agree very soon,

especially now with my newly acquired

lucky salt stone of Atacama.

Wow. First, pendants, now a lucky salt stone.

Well, I've really opened up my third eye.

You usually need All-Bran for that.

Ah, these are amazing!

I'll take two. Great!

A bit salty.

Should I box it up, or are you going to wear it now?

I'll box it up. Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

All turned out as I foresaw.

Oh, good, you're back.

I was worried for a moment that you'd got wet and melted.

Now do you believe?

No, of course I don't.

It wasn't your big old lump of rock salt that did all this.

This is all happening because, once again,

I had a cleverly thought-out plan.

What plan?

Oh, nothing.

I was just talking to some old woman who's now mysteriously vanished.

No, I haven't. All I'm asking for is consistency.

What clever plan are you talking about?

Oh, he means you're clever,

having made all these things all by yourself. And brave, so brave.

Lee, why are these people calling me brave?

Because of everything you've been through!

Anyway, we are packing up now,

so last chance to get your dreamcatchers!

They don't just catch dreams, they also catch weird thoughts and

annoying house flies. Everything has to go, including you two.

I'm not dealing with anything...

..am I?

She doesn't like to talk about it.

I did say we shouldn't mention it. Remember?

Of course. I understand.

But have you tried a reiki massage

to, you know, help relieve the problem?

Or pumpkin tea. That's meant to be fabulous.

Or good old-fashioned plastic bedsheets.

Lee, have you told all these people I'm incontinent?

They aren't the exact words I used.

He said that's what your sign meant.

You know, with the gushing water.

They're ocean waves!

But it's bright yellow.

It's not yellow, it's golden!

Not sure that helps.

So it's not piss?

Of course it isn't! Because I'm not bloody incontinent!

You mean you're not raising money to visit Nicaragua

for pioneering alternative treatment?

I am raising money to buy myself a Louis Vuitton handbag!

Can't believe you would do this to me!

I was trying to help! He said you were not-for-profit!

Well, to be fair, we weren't until three minutes ago.

I want my money back! I'm afraid you can't. You've flooded that.

"Flooded that"? What do you mean, "Flooded that"?

I mean, you've flooded it. Can you all stop saying "flooded"?

You made my wife cry, you know.

Yeah, he thinks we're a bunch of gullible morons!

And he tried to buy a bacon sandwich from a vegan food stall!

ALL: Oh!

Pig killer! Conman!

Liar! Dickhead!

See what happens when you don't believe? See what happens?

He thinks we're all morons!

This is your fault, Lee. Get him!

Throw him out! See what happens?

He shouldn't be here.

He thinks we're all morons!

He's evil! Burn him!

Are you listening? Lee? Lee?

Lee? Lee? Lee?

SCREAMS: Argh!

Argh!

Lee? Lee? Lee? Lee?

MOANS: Argh!

Lee? Lee? Lee!

It's time to wake up.

What?

You're helping me sell the dreamcatchers today, remember?

Oh, I've been up all night worrying about them.

You do think they're good, don't you?

You can be honest.

Remind me how they work again.

They catch bad dreams before they can get into your head.

They protect you from having nightmares.

In that case...

..forget it. They're a piece of old crap.

WISE WOMAN: You're still asleep.

HE SCREAMS

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

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