Original subtitles

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

It was such a good show.

Lee said it's the best birthday he's had

since he wet himself on a bouncy castle.

That was a hell of a 50th.

Lee was such a huge fan of the Young Ones.

Nigel Planer played a sort of hairy loser type

with bad posture and terrible cooking skills.

I can't see why Lee identifies with him.

And I have one more surprise for Lee.

Have you heard of Cameo?

It's a website where you get

personalised celebrity messages filmed,

and I've paid for one from none other than Nigel Planer himself.

Well, maybe he would have preferred sexy underwear,

but he's not getting that, is he?

Mum, I think that should be kept between you and Dad.

I don't care if it was his 80th!

Ooh! He's coming back.

I've got to send the message. See you soon. Bye.

Wow! Even the toilets are posh in here.

They didn't even have urinals. Heh.

Look what I did.

Did they not have any toilets at all?

It's posh soap.

I pumped it out of the dispenser so we can take it home.

I think I'd rather you had peed in a bottle.

Take your opportunities when you get them.

That's what Nigel Planer said onstage tonight.

You know, I reckon I could have been a performer.

You?

Yeah, I was wasted at technical college.

Isn't that why they asked you to leave?

If anyone in our house should have been in the arts, it was me.

You? Yes.

Do you remember that creative writing course I did

after we first got married? No.

I did it every Tuesday for six months.

I brought you back a Domino's pizza after each class.

Oh, that creative writing course.

PHONE BUZZES

Hmm.

It's a video message from you.

Well, open it.

Hi, Lee, Nigel here.

The very lovely Lucy tells me it's your birthday.

Apparently, you're a big fan of my stuff.

Clearly a man of great taste.

Lucy also tells me you're a bit of a joker yourself,

so I'd better watch my back.

You'll be putting me out of a job.

Seriously though, Lee, happy birthday,

and have a great night, mate.

AS NEIL: Oh, wow.

Heavy!

That was him.

That was a personal message to me from Nigel Planer.

How did you arrange that?

You've obviously met him, cos he knew your name.

Well, let's just say I have my connections.

I can't believe you've never said.

I was once in the audience for Cheggers Plays Pop

and I mention that all the time.

I know.

Who could forget the first night we made love?

It was an unusual comparison, but at least I came out favourably.

Come on, how do you know him? Have you got his phone number?

Stop asking questions.

If I'd got you underpants, you wouldn't ask where they came from.

I would if Nigel Planer was inside them.

Wow! Nigel Planer sending me a birthday message.

That's even better than... I know.

Being in the audience for Cheggers Plays Pop.

I was going to say the first night we made love.

You have got to be kidding me.

What?

Oh, as if you don't know.

You've invited Nigel Planer to join us for dinner.

No. No, I haven't.

Oh, right. It's just a bizarre coincidence, is it?

Well, it's not that bizarre, is it?

The theatre we've just watched him perform at is right next door.

Can I get you something, sir?

Is he in on this?

Oh, I'll have a Nigel Planer for starters, please.

Certainly.

And for the main course, perhaps a Mr Bean casserole

with Dawn French fries and a side order of Jasper Carrotts?

Lee, will you please stop waving?

I really haven't arranged for him to join us.

Yeah!

All right, you haven't.

Just some sugar, please.

But we should still go and say hello, right? You've met him.

No, don't spoil his dinner. I'm going to say hello.

I'm not going to dip me testicles in his soup.

Which should be fine anyway, cos I don't think he's a vegetarian.

Oh, I should say that to him. He'll laugh.

"Dumplings, Nigel?"

Lee, please don't.

Please don't what? Please don't go over to Nigel Planer and say,

"If I wanted, I could put my testicles in your soup

"because you're not a vegetarian."

I'm not an idiot.

I'll say hello first.

We really need to discuss your social media strategy.

Ah, it's not really my world, to be honest.

It feels like a cesspit of negativity.

No. Nonsense.

I've never read a single word about you on social media

that hasn't been positive.

Yeah, but the moment you start engaging like that,

all sorts of lunatics think they have access to you.

Hello.

How's it going?

Fine, thanks. Er, could we get some water for the table?

Yeah, I mean, I'm really not keen on spending, you know,

hours every day having to post stuff about walking the dog,

or what I'm going to have for dinner that evening.

I like my privacy, and I think that that gets compromised

when you start telling everyone everything about yourself like that.

No, I know, but you wouldn't have to post any personal stuff.

It can just be work-related.

BOTTLE THUDS

Oh, thanks.

Could we have some olives as well, please?

Yeah, like the show you did tonight.

So, you know, that saves you so much of the expense,

and it can only just be the main ones.

You can do YouTube... Sorry, um... ..X, or Instagram.

I don't actually work here.

Oh.

So why did you give us water?

You asked for it, and there was some on that table, so I just took it.

It's all right, they...they didn't mind.

I just thought I should, er... come and say hello.

SING-SONG: Hello.

Hello.

It's me - Lee, the birthday boy.

I'm Lucy's husband.

Lucy.

Lucy.

SHOUTS: Lucy!

I think she might need some reading glasses.

She's just a bit shy.

Or maybe she just doesn't want to be bothered while she's eating.

You know her.

Do I? You think she's very lovely.

Is he trying to hypnotise me?

I'm sorry. Sorry, we've never actually met before. You are?

I'm Lee. Nigel sent me a birthday video message.

My wife arranged it.

Ah, right. I see.

Well, thanks for popping by to say hello.

And happy birthday.

Thank you.

Two cream of asparagus soups.

Do you need any water?

It's all right. They've already got some.

They need some.

Hey, Nigel, um, you'll like this.

You're not a vegetarian,

so guess what I could put in your soup?

Actually, forget it.

Well, he was a bit weird.

He was weird? You should see the guy he was chatting to.

Yeah, he acted like he didn't know who I was.

He doesn't know who you are. No, but he knows who you are.

He probably couldn't see you from that distance.

Come back over with me. Oh, for God's sake, Lee!

I've never met Nigel Planer, OK?

Well, how did you arrange the video message?

Have you heard of Cameo?

What? You mean when a woman wears very tight leggings

and you can see her...? That's camel toe!

Oh.

It's a specialist website.

So is camel toe.

You pay for celebrities to read personal messages

for birthdays and things.

Bloody hell! You could have got me Paul Chuckle?

You've made me look like a right knobhead.

I can't take all the credit.

Just try and enjoy the rest of the evening with me.

I don't mind that you're a right knobhead.

The coffee's nice.

I chose the special Colombian blend.

A good friend of mine's been here before and recommended it.

Oh, yeah? Who was that? George Clooney?

I mean, you once bought a packet of his Nespresso pods,

so that makes you best mates, right?

Next time we see him, remind me to give him a big man hug

and squeeze his bum cheeks.

Are you going to let it go or not?

No, I'm sorry, I can't. What are you doing?

I'm going to explain to Nigel Planer what happened.

Sit down! No, I'm not having him thinking I'm the kind of person

that disturbs him whilst he's eating in a restaurant.

Oh, so you're going to do that by disturbing him

for a second time while he's eating in a restaurant?

Have you got a better idea?

Well, I certainly don't have a worse one.

You need to get me off Cameo.

I could do without the hassle.

Oh, come on. That man was just saying a quick hello.

I would hardly say he was hassling you.

I'm sorry to hassle you.

I...I just wanted to come over and apologise for disturbing you before.

See, I thought my wife had actually met you, but she hasn't.

She was just trying to impress me because I'm...I'm a big fan.

Um, but, you know, a normal fan.

Not the kind of, you know, "Kathy Bates in Misery" sort of fan.

I'm not going to tie you to a bed

and smash both your ankles with a sledgehammer.

But...but it all got very confusing with that video message,

and so, yeah, I'm...I'm sorry.

Yeah, no, it's...it's all fine. Don't worry about it.

In fact, it's quite a funny mix-up, really.

Is it? Yes, very amusing.

I suppose it is, isn't it?

You could use that, if you like, in one of your true stories onstage.

I reckon that'd get a big laugh.

Yeah. You know, I might just do that.

Really? That's great.

I've got loads of stuff like that, you know.

All sorts of weird things happen to me.

Gah, the things I could tell you.

In fact, I think I will.

Did I ever tell you about the time

that I stayed at a nudist camp right next door to a wildlife sanctuary?

No, because we've never actually met you before.

Look, we don't want to appear rude...

Can I get another glass, please?

Er, I won't bore you with all the details.

Look, can you not bore us with any of the details?

Or, indeed, the rough outline?

All right, I'll just cut straight to the punch line.

I'm sure you can fill in the gaps.

I said, "Bloody hell, Brenda,

"I hope Brian May doesn't find out what you've done to that badger."

OK. Well, thank you for coming over to explain the confusion,

but we really need to carry on with our meeting now.

Right, yes. Sorry.

I don't, er...don't want to be one of "those" people.

OK. You win. I'm taking you off Cameo.

Did you see that?

I made him laugh.

That was a fake laugh.

Er, I think I know when someone's faking it.

You never fake it. True.

When we're having sex, those laughs are real.

He said he might use what I said in his show.

That makes me a sort of...comedy writer.

You're not a writer.

I'm the writer.

I was very good on that course.

I reckon I could have made a career out of it.

Well, why didn't you?

Four reasons.

Don't you mean three reasons? One for each child.

OK, I get it.

Actually, if that story gets a laugh when he tells it,

he might want some more ideas from me.

He needs to know how to contact me.

Sit down!

Can we get the bill, please? As quickly as possible.

Are you sure you don't want to just grab one from someone else's table?

Um...

Actually, before we go, I just need the toilet.

You've only just been.

I know, but that starter was a bit more liquidy than I thought.

Well, that's soup for you.

Maybe ask for one with more testicles in it next time.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

I hope it hasn't been too disappointing.

Depends if you mean my marriage.

That's exactly what I meant.

Hello, Nigel?

Is that you?

It's me - Lee from before.

Sorry to bother you again. You must get this a lot.

Actually, no, this is a first.

Usually, people just want an autograph.

Right.

Sorry, you weren't offended I didn't ask for an autograph, were you?

No.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

I think you were, weren't you?

Please may I have your autograph?

I'm a bit busy at the moment.

Probably a bit old-fashioned anyway.

It's all selfies nowadays.

You weren't offended that I didn't ask for a selfie, were you?

Would you mind letting me go to the toilet?

CAMERA APP CLICKS

Thanks, I'll treasure that.

Oh, good. Please feel free to share it on Instagram.

OK. Don't share it on Instagram!

Can I be honest with you, Nigel? I'm not actually using this toilet.

I don't mean I'm doing it all over the floor.

I mean, the real reason I'm in here, it's because...

Well, the thing is...

Please! I'm just trying to have a pee.

A pee? Oh.

Thought you were having number twos.

And yet, still he thought it was OK to chat.

Are you in there with someone?

I can come back.

What do you want?

Hello?

HE GASPS

SING-SONG: Hello!

This can go one of two ways -

you scream, phone the police,

and I end up in prison for being a peeping Tom.

Or...

..a couple of years from now, we're both on the Graham Norton Show

telling a very funny anecdote about how we first met.

Your choice, Nigel.

It's the first one, isn't it?

TOILET FLUSHES

MUTTERS: Oh, for God's sake.

HE GASPS

Look...

..I didn't follow you in here for a selfie or an autograph.

I want something else.

I saw you going to the toilet and I sensed an opportunity,

and I wanted to grab it with both hands.

I'm happily married.

So am I.

Well, I'm happy, she's sort of...accepting.

I mean, I wanted to give you my phone number

in case you wanted any more jokes.

Tried to squirt but nothing comes out?

I know that feeling.

You can have that one as well.

You shouldn't give away your ideas so freely.

People will think they have no value.

You know, Nigel, thinking about it,

this whole video message mix-up thing -

if it's just a funny story you tell on stage,

are we not wasting it a bit?

"We"?!

There is no "we".

Again, that can happen at our age.

Hah!

They're just pouring out of me today,

which is ironic.

The point I'm making is,

I wonder if this idea could actually be a TV show.

What idea?

You haven't got an idea.

All it is is a thing that happened that I politely smiled at,

which I am now massively regretting.

All right, it's based on real events.

But, you know, all the good stories are.

Two words.

Oppen...

..Heimer.

Ow!

Look, I'm not interested

in your stupid little video mix-up message idea, OK?

It's not even a faintly amusing anecdote, let alone a story.

It has no beginning, no middle,

and, most importantly, no end.

No end at all.

Honestly, it feels like it's never, ever going to end.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Cos I don't think you do, do you?

People like you never do.

I mean, I like meeting members of the public who like what I do,

but there's always one, isn't there?

There's always one who just doesn't get it,

who doesn't realise there are boundaries, you know?

Social boundaries, physical boundaries,

toilet cubicle boundaries.

So, please, for the love of God,

just do what a normal person would do and say hello,

shake my hand, and then leave me alone!

OK.

Actually, um...

..I won't. You haven't washed your...

NIGEL SIGHS

I'm sorry, Nigel. I'm a big fan.

And I was just sort of doing what you said on stage tonight -

grabbing opportunities when they arise.

It was my favourite bit.

Well, I quite like the, you know,

dirty story about the late lock-in at Wetherspoons with the Krankies.

And the fact that she did it dressed as the little boy

just made it even more disturbing.

But I don't want to be "one of those people."

So I'm really sorry for hassling you.

HE EXHALES HEAVILY

I always carry some spare soap - you know, just in case.

In fact, keep it.

It's the least I can do

for all the laughs you've given me over the years.

NIGEL SIGHS HEAVILY

Wait.

Yes?

Look, I shouldn't have lost my temper just now.

I-I'm sorry. But you can't go harassing people in toilets.

You're not the first to say it, and you won't be the last.

I was just... I know. Grabbing your opportunity.

But there are ways of doing these things properly.

How?

These are my agent's details.

Write down your idea and email it to her.

Oh, my God.

So this could actually happen?

Honestly? Be as honest as you like.

In that case, no.

Almost certainly not.

I'm doing this purely out of guilt,

not because I'm interested in your idea.

She probably won't send it to me.

And even in the very unlikely event that she does,

I probably won't even read it.

That's fine.

As far as I'm concerned, you've left that door ajar,

which means there's still a chance I can get my foot in that door.

Perhaps you should be thinking of that door as shut,

and probably locked.

Has it got a keyhole?

If you like.

Well, there you go.

I reckon I could get my foot in that keyhole.

Well, not my foot, but maybe something else.

So I think what we should do is we should both go back

to the people who are waiting for us

and finish our dinners in peace.

Is that OK?

Say no more.

You won't be hearing another word out of me

for the rest of the evening.

You know what, Nigel?

NIGEL GROANS

I don't care what they say about you on social media.

You're OK.

I presume we now have to get out of here before the police arrive.

Oh, that depends.

Is writing a TV show a crime?

What?

He wants me to send my idea to him.

What idea? The one I've just told him about.

Guess what's in my pocket?

Please don't tell me that was your opening pitch to him in the toilet?

Go on, guess.

SHE SIGHS

More soap?

A roll of toilet paper?

Or more ambitious this time - a Dyson hand-dryer?

His agent's...details.

Don't worry, Nigel. A deal's a deal.

What deal?

I've just told you.

He wants to hear more about my TV show idea.

Because of one quick conversation you had in the toilet?

That doesn't make you a writer.

There's so much more to it than that. Like what?

Like all the things I learned on my creative writing course.

Like character, structure...

There was a third one, but I can't remember it now.

If anyone should be establishing contacts

with these sorts of people, it should be me.

Well, you will, won't you?

Looks like you'll be having sex with a TV writer tonight.

So, come on, then, out with it.

Well, I think we should wait till we get home.

I mean your big idea. You haven't even said what it is yet.

Oh, you know what you say.

Always write what you know about.

That narrows it down a bit.

It's actually this.

What do you mean, "this"?

This. The whole thing that happened to me tonight.

That's the idea.

It's about a person who gets a video message from a famous person,

but this person has never heard of Cameo.

So, when he bumps into the famous person in a restaurant,

he sort of thinks they're mates.

And then in the toilet, the famous person, at first, gets very angry,

but then realises that the good-looking hero

is actually very charming and extremely likeable,

so they decide to make a TV show about it.

In fact, it could be a film.

I could be played by that young fella. What's his name?

Timotei Chalet-Maid.

But none of this was your idea.

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

It just happened to you.

The idea came from me.

I booked the video message.

I pretended I'd met Nigel Planer.

I even arranged the theatre and the dinner

which was essential for this mix-up

to have ever happened in the first place.

All you are is a...prop.

What do you mean, a prop?

You know, like a tool or a plank or a dipstick?

Yeah, and if I hadn't have acted like a tool or a plank

or a dipstick, none of this mix-up would've happened.

So it's my idea.

No, it bloody well is not. Where are you going?

To tell Nigel Planer whose idea this really was.

Over the top of the cubicle?

Are you ser...? What is the matter with him?

Don't worry. I dealt with him very firmly.

There won't be any more interruptions.

Hello.

Oh, God, it's the other one.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

Actually, we're in the middle of a private conversation.

Yeah. Are you discussing my idea?

Sorry? The one my husband tried to take credit for.

Well, don't worry, this is all good

because you can incorporate that twist into the story.

The wife has the original idea, but the husband steals it

and pitches it to the famous person he meets in the restaurant.

Look, I...I really am going to have to insist you leave us alone now.

Oh, your character will be in it too, of course.

The agent.

Cold, emotionless, intimidating.

I'm sorry about this, Nigel. Back off! I know your game!

You see, the wife character,

she's probably a little bit overly trusting of the evil husband

because she hasn't got a bad bone in her body.

I really think you need to go back to your table now.

Of course you do.

Because the wife's a threat.

She knows what's going on.

Does she?

Oh, yeah.

She knows something nefarious happened between her husband

and Nigel Planer in the toilet cubicle.

The offer of something big,

something that really belonged to the wife.

So the husband shouldn't have been offering it up in the first place,

no matter how huge it might get

after Nigel Planer gets his hands on it.

Mr Planer, I am so sorry, but I have to ask you,

did you perhaps, in a moment of madness,

commit a small transgression in the lavatory earlier?

I did not have sexual relations with this man in the toilet.

No, no, I...I'm talking about the soap.

It's all gone missing,

and I think perhaps I saw you exit with it in a bottle.

This is Winona Ryder all over again.

Oh, for...for God's sake.

This is Nigel Planer.

Do you seriously think he steals soap from public toilets?

And yet she didn't object to the idea I had sex in public toilets.

And Nigel Planer stole our water, too!

This is perfect.

This could all go in.

Not only did Nigel Planer get up to something dodgy

with the husband in the cubicle...

I did not.

..he is also a raving kleptomaniac!

Ha-hang on. Hang on.

Is this some sort of an elaborate blackmail plot?

Yes! That is exactly what it is.

The wife blackmails Nigel Planer

over what he got up to in the toilets with the husband.

Right, well, if it is blackmail, it's not going to work

because Nigel isn't in the slightest bit worried

about nonsense like this.

Isn't he?

No, you're right. Of course he wouldn't be.

So, we need to escalate things.

So, we threaten him with a weapon.

We kidnap him.

We strap him to the chair with gaffer tape,

and we hold him hostage until he gives us what we want.

Lucy. Yes?

We need to leave now.

I think you might have just

accidentally threatened to blackmail then kidnap Nigel Planer.

Oops.

Anyway...

KNIFE CLATTERS

..hope you two enjoy your dinner.

We'll leave you in peace.

I mean, this could all be part of the story, you know?

A huge misunderstanding, but all's well at the end.

Just keep walking.

It might at least make a decent half-hour sitcom.

Hi, Nigel?

I'm a big fan, and I just wanted to say hello.

Oh, just BLEEP off.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

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