Original subtitles

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

- As a matter of fact... - Not at all. Won't you join us?

He certainly is an engaging man.

He must be overwhelmed by available females.

I suppose some women might find him attractive,

if they respond to the more primitive elements.

How could you betray me? To steal her from me.

I revere words like honor and integrity. Clearly not in your vocabulary.

You're just gonna sit there sipping brandy, being terribly British?

Yes.

She doesn't have a chance.

Come on, she's got great form.

In a bikini maybe, but on a surf ski, she's a joke.

If you want to put money on her, go ahead.

She's okay but she's not in my league.

What about the lifeguard from the Sand & Surf Club?

He's been working out in my gym.

Saw him bench press three and a quarter.

That's okay for strength, but strength is not as important as endurance.

No, finesse is what counts.

Kiyoki has finesse and he is golden with a paddle.

I am working on this new style and...

What are the odds on Kiyoki?

Kiyoki starts at two and he's a sure thing.

Wait a minute, guys. What about me?

What about you?

I'm in this race too and I think I stand a good chance of winning this year.

Two years ago he comes in 86th, last year he comes in 62nd.

And both times he was behind this 12-year-old girl, Kiki...

- Kawana. - Kawana.

She was 13 and very big for her age. Besides, I ran into some bad luck.

What? Entering a race where everyone else was better than you?

Very funny. What are the odds on me?

20 to... No, I'd better make 'em 30-1.

Even though I heard odds being quoted,

I am, with abundant charity, giving you the benefit of the doubt

and assuming that this is not a conversation about next week's race.

Of course not, Higgins.

The race is a charity event.

It would be a perversion of ethics and good sportsmanship

for money to change hands.

You're absolutely right, Higgie.

Right.

I'm off to the news stand to buy the Chronicle.

Higgins, we sell the Island Chronicle right in front.

That pulp is an insult to journalism.

When I refer to the Chronicle I'm talking about the London Chronicle,

delivered to Hawaii every Monday.

Two weeks behind the civilized world, I might add.

- 200 on Kiyoki. - Man, you won't regret it.

Yes, you will. I'm gonna win.

- Wanna bet? - Bet? Bet?

- Yeah, sure, I'll make a bet. - How much?

My entire life savings. $33.64.

You're a big spender.

Better hope that 13-year-old girl doesn't enter.

14. And I'm gonna win. Or die trying.

- My God. - Is something wrong, bro?

Lord Wilkerson, the Duke of Whitt, has passed on.

Yeah? I got one brother named Duke.

Please, just take care of your papers.

And that's $5 even.

Oh. Well...

I'm afraid this is all I have. Is that all right?

I'm afraid not. This may be a British shop

but we're in America and I only take American currency.

Uh... Perhaps I can be of assistance. I...

I...

Yes?

I would be happy to exchange the note.

Fine.

Let's see. The current rate of exchange is roughly $1.50 to the pound.

That would be $7.50.

I really am most grateful. Thank you very much.

That's quite...

I mean... It's my pleasure.

- Your order, Mr. Higgins. - Thank you.

Well, thank you again.

Yes.

Forgive me for perhaps being too forward but I...

I mean, I know you must be busy but I...

- Well, I... - Yes?

It's been a pleasure to be of assistance.

I beg your pardon.

Hey, what are you doing? What do you want with me?

- Shut up and come with us. - Let me go.

What are you doing?

Let me go, please! Please, let me go!

- My God, what are you doing? - Hold on. What are you doing?

- None of your affair. - Take your hands off me!

Do as she asks.

We're very serious. You stay out of this or I'll beat your head on the wall.

Halt!

Let go of her. Now.

Let's get out of here.

Oh! Well...

Thank you, sir. You saved me again.

It was nothing, really.

Only cowards would try to accost a lady.

I'm most grateful, Mr...

Higgins. Jonathan Quayle Higgins.

Vivien Brock Jones. It's a pleasure to meet you.

And mine.

I can't remember when I was so frightened.

They were British. In the heat of battle, I didn't notice.

Yes, that is a coincidence.

Quite.

I'm so grateful that you came to my rescue.

I'm a complete stranger here.

I understand completely.

At the risk of seeming bold, I would like for you to...

I mean, I think that you would like to...

Please, just come with me.

This is absolutely delightful. Just like having tea at Brown's.

One of the benefits of being on the board of directors

is that I can stock the kitchen with things I like.

Well, it's just what I needed. I was beginning to feel very far from home.

As honorary chairman of the Sons of the Empire,

I would consider it an honor to help you adjust to the islands.

Mr. Higgins, you really are very gallant.

Have you a place to live?

Well, as a matter of fact...

This is really rather embarrassing.

Anything that I can do to help...

Well, I have a slight problem at the moment with my finances.

The committee has an emergency fund for that.

No, I didn't mean charity.

What I was hoping was that you might be able to advise me

where I could sell this.

And as a matter of fact...

also these.

Higgins!

I'm glad I caught you. I've got kind of a problem.

Vivien Brock Jones, Thomas Magnum.

How do you do?

Hi. I hope I'm not disturbing you.

- As a matter of fact... - Not at all. Won't you join us?

I'm sure Magnum has things to do,

like procuring a divorce for a blonde and playing in the ocean.

That is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.

It's real important for me to make a good showing in the race.

Then run along and practice.

That is what I was planning to do,

but my paddle, it's got a crack in the handle

and I have to get it repaired or maybe replaced, and since it's for the club...

Look, it's got a tiny little hairline crack right there.

Why don't you just replace it?

- You don't mind? - Why would I mind?

Great. Thanks, Higgins.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Please.

All right. Oh, you've got those cute little rolls that I like.

Those aren't cute rolls. They're scones.

- Mr. Higgins! - Oh, my God.

Higgins, these must be worth a fortune.

Must you pry into matters which don't concern you?

It's all right. They're mine.

But I find myself in the unfortunate position of having to sell them.

Gee...

Well, if you really have to sell them, I have a friend named Rick

who could probably give you the best price, don't you think?

Do you think he could find a buyer for this?

I'll ask him.

In the meantime, there must be another way to resolve your financial dilemma.

What about a job?

A job? Magnum, really!

That certainly would be a solution but I'm afraid I have very limited skills.

Higgins could find you one. He's got all sorts of connections.

Don't you think?

Why...

Perhaps Magnum, in his usual blundering way,

has hit upon something.

My employer recently purchased a collection of books from Sotheby's.

It's my job to organize and catalog them.

It's a terrible chore, one I've been putting off.

I mean, if you would like to...

I mean, that is to say, the two of us could...

Uh...

I think he's offering you a job.

Are you having some problems?

I'll say. This bloody...

My God.

Perhaps we can be of some assistance.

- Lady Wilkerson. - Oh, no, none of that out here.

What's your name?

Sergeant Major Jonathan Quayle Higgins.

I was bringing supplies to my regiment when it just quit on me.

I think it's a bad carburetor.

We're on our way to the hospital. Perhaps we could give you a lift.

Oh, no, Your Grace.

A little grease never bothered me. Please let us help you.

Really, Your Grace, I just couldn't. I'd be most uncomfortable.

Oh, very well. I understand.

We could notify someone of your position.

They could send a tow truck.

- That would be very kind. - Very well.

Good luck. Our thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Excuse me, but may I say it's a privilege and an honor

to serve such a gracious and kind lady as the Duchess of Whitt.

No, it is I who am privileged

to have met a man as brave and loyal as you.

What in the bloody hell is she doing here?

"My dear Lady Wilkerson,

"Duchess of Whitt."

It's too formal.

"My dear..."

Dearest darling,

the most lovely woman in creation.

I don't want to scare her off.

Damn, where is my wit when I need it most?

"My dearest Vivien,

It is only my deep and sincere admiration..."

Charles Dickens, the complete set.

With, however, The Old Curiosity Shop missing.

The frontispiece is dated 1890 but the binding is new and imitation morocco.

I'm afraid Mr. Masters does have a taste for the obvious.

It's absolutely fascinating, such an education.

And I'm actually being paid for helping.

I've always loved books.

I've even considered writing one myself.

Really? Fiction or non-fiction?

Oh, fiction.

I had this idea about a young girl

who is well born but of modest circumstances.

Sounds fascinating.

And when she's 17

she leaves school and marries a much older man, a wealthy duke.

Perhaps almost an arranged marriage.

She must have an extraordinary sense of duty.

Possibly. Maybe she's just not strong enough to object.

In any case she comes to respect her husband

and indeed love him very much.

But somehow she always feels like somewhat of a prisoner,

as though she's never had the chance to experience life,

find out what it has to offer.

And does she escape?

Hi, Vivien.

How's the boss treating you?

I'm having a wonderful time.

Higgins can solve all your problems.

Does this interruption have any purpose?

Oh, right.

This came in the mail. It must have been sent to me by mistake.

Oh. Nice jacket. Real English tweed, huh?

Oh, by the way, you friend Rick got me a wonderful price on my ring,

enough to pay for my new apartment.

Great. I'm glad he could help.

This appears to be a bill for a new surf ski paddle.

I told the guy at the store to charge it to the club but...

Oh, never mind. I'll take care of it.

It is for charity.

If that's all...

Oh. Sure.

- Bye, Vivien. - Bye.

He certainly is an engaging man.

He must be overwhelmed by available females.

I suppose some women might find him attractive,

if they respond to the more primitive elements.

Here's a key so you can enter the estate without calling.

Since you'll be working here, it will be more convenient.

I'll been a wonderful day, and I'll see you tomorrow.

- Or sooner. - I beg your pardon?

Nothing. Just goodbye for now.

"My dearest Vivien. It is only my deep and sincere admiration

that gives me the courage to tell you how moved I am by your courage.

We must all seize life when rare opportunity presents itself,

as I must do now.

If I can hope that you could possibly have any feelings for me,

come to the estate at eight tonight for a romantic dinner."

There's a long drive to deep right-field, way back.

It's outta here!

And the White Sox lead one to nothing.

Donny Dawson with a leadoff home run at the top of the first inning,

there's no doubt about it.

Come in.

Good evening.

Hi.

Come on in.

Would you like a hot dog?

A hot dog?

That sounds wonderful. I've never had one before.

...swings the next pitch and lies it to left field.

I see you like to live very casually.

...makes the catch.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

Oh, no, I admire it. I think it's very masculine.

I'm sorry. Do you want some chili on your hot dog?

Why not?

By the way, Jim is...

Oh, I'm sorry. Just clear some of that stuff and take a seat there.

There's a great game on.

Here's Jim, he swings and he misses for strike one.

...checking with his third-base coaches...

Why does that man keep scratching like that?

This is an ideal time...

He's not scratching, he's giving signals.

He's trying to tell the batter -- the guy standing at the plate --

what to do.

Fascinating.

...swings away at the first pitch and barrels it down the right-field line.

You really love this game, don't you?

Yeah.

When I was a kid,

all I dreamed about was becoming a Major League baseball player.

What happened?

- I grew up. - That shouldn't stop you.

You can always go after your dreams.

It's too late.

You only live once. It's never too late to go after what you want.

It is for me. I'm 38 years old.

There's very few guys in the Major Leagues left my age.

Besides, I could never hit a high inside fast ball.

Anyway, I'm happy doing what I do.

- Are you really? - Yeah.

I like being a private investigator.

I'm good at it. I help people.

Here comes Barridge, rounding third...

I see your point.

It's 5-3 Tigers on an opposite field double by Larry Hearndon!

I was dreaming, lads. Deluding myself.

To think that a lady of her stature could consider a man like me.

Knowing your station in life. That's the secret to happiness, lads.

Otherwise it's dashed hopes.

My God, will he turn down that infernal noise?

Ah. You sure you don't want a glass?

No, no, this is fine.

- Okay. There you are. - Thank you. Cheers.

You're terrific.

Magnum, will you ple...

Hi, Higgins. What are you all dressed up for?

Jonathan, you look magnificent.

Come in. Sit down. How about a chili dog?

I...

There it goes! Deep to left field!

Going, going, goodbye!

I had seen Higgins mad before,

I had seen him crazed with fury,

but I had never seen him at a loss for words.

Higgins, what did you want before?

Where's Vivien?

I drove her home.

How could you?

What, drive her home?

The buses don't run this late.

How could you betray me? And her.

Using my... My God, the irony. The bitter, perfect, poetic irony.

Using my own letter to steal her from me.

What letter?

The letter I wrote her explaining my feelings and inviting her to dinner.

I fixed pheasant.

I don't know anything about a letter.

Then what was Vivien doing at your place?

Oh.

Oh... Well...

She must have thought that I...

But how could she?

I didn't sign it.

I couldn't bring myself to.

Obviously she preferred thinking it came from you.

Gee... I'm sorry, Higgins. I mean, if I knew...

Vivien is a lovely woman but romantically she means nothing to me.

Nothing?

This gentlewoman bestows upon you her affection and you call it nothing?

That's not what I meant. She's not interested in me.

It was your letter. Just explain the mix-up.

I'd rather face a firing squad.

It's you she wants.

She'd be humiliated if she discovered how she was misled.

- Then what do we do? - She's fragile.

Her feelings are tender.

I'm meeting her at the club tomorrow to get some of her jewels.

I'll go with you.

When we see her we must act as if we never had this conversation.

Do you understand?

No.

But I'll go along with it.

Thank you.

- Good morning, Jonathan. - Good morning.

- Good morning, Thomas. - Morning.

I want to thank you for a wonderful evening.

I had such a marvelous time.

Yes, me too.

I have to go sign up for the race, then I have to practice so...

May I come and watch you? I'd love to see you in action.

I believe you needed some of your jewels.

Oh. Yes, of course.

Uh... This way.

Jonathan!

Don't even consider it.

Are you all right? Come on.

Come on.

Sure. I know.

It's crazy to refer to what Higgins and I share as friendship.

But it is. We bite and bicker like an old married couple

but mixed in with the jibes is a funny kind of mutual trust.

When Higgins saw Vivien at my place he felt I had betrayed that trust,

but of course the kidnapping had made that all very unimportant.

At least the funny trust was back. And we both knew it.

Higgins?

Higgins... we tried to find the car.

Rick and I checked the waterfront, Hotel Street.

The usual places. Nothing so far.

I should have been able to stop them.

There was nothing you could do. The guys had guns.

You did all you could.

I think we ought to call the police.

No, Magnum, please.

There's been a message from her abductors.

We're to wait for their call.

The police should know about this.

No. There's something else you don't know.

Vivian is not as she appears.

Not at all the poor matron without means.

Magnum, she is of the Realm.

- Royalty? - By marriage, yes. Lady Wilkerson.

Wife of the late Duke of Whitt.

So we just sit here and wait?

I spoke to her brother-in-law this evening.

The new Duke of Whitt.

Very strange conversation. I was shocked.

He seemed more concerned with the jewels than her.

- How much are they worth? - I didn't examine the items.

My only concern was their safekeeping.

But they must be quite valuable

or he wouldn't have been so bloody adamant about my not giving them up.

What a guy.

I can live without your flippant humor.

Lord Wilkerson is arranging for an alternate form of payment.

I will inform them of that when they call.

And you're just gonna sit there sipping brandy, being terribly British?

Yes!

Are you familiar with London at all?

A few times when I was in the Navy. Why?

The Strand?

- Movie house? - No, Magnum.

It's a very famous street in London,

renowned for men's clothes and restaurants.

There's a particular little tea shop there.

Forgive me. I forget that you find my stories tedious.

I'm listening, Higgins. Go on.

It's a quaint little place.

I've always thought it curious that I should visit it at that particular moment.

I suppose you can't really comprehend the joy that an Englishman experiences

in taking tea in the Strand after being away for a long time.

It's roughly comparable to the enjoyment you seem to derive

from munching a hot dog or watching a baseball game on television.

There was a hint of sadness, perhaps, seeing as how I was there alone.

At any rate, I happened to look across the room,

and Vivien was at a table by herself, looking very radiant.

We had met once, but only in the most official of situations.

While I am not a commoner,

still I was aware of the difference in our stations in life.

For me to suddenly bound over to her table and ask to join her in tea...

And yet, I had this overpowering compulsion to do so,

if only just to remind her that she had once been very, very kind to me.

I made my decision to speak to her.

I was overstepping some measure of etiquette, I knew,

but I simply found that I couldn't stop myself.

Just at that moment, she was joined by her husband, the Duke of Whitt.

They were very loving to each other.

I left without finishing my tea.

That's it? The whole story?

Forgive me. I hoped that you would understand.

Yeah, I guess I...

I failed to remember that the ways of a gentleman are patently foreign to you.

I revere words like honor, integrity, chivalry,

words that are not in your vocabulary.

Higgins, enough.

Knocking my rubber chicken or my sloppy habits is within the rules,

but you're attacking my character.

I would like to think you don't mean that.

Yes, I'm sorry.

You can't know what it's like to care deeply for someone

and have your hope taken.

Yes, I can.

Yes?

The name is Wilkes, sir. We've met.

I have information regarding the Duchess.

Bring the jewels to Lunalilo Bridge.

- It will take me some time to... - You better leave now.

Wait! Wait! Hello!

I told you to bring the jewels.

If I go back empty-handed, it'll go very badly with the Duchess.

I'm trying to explain to you.

I've spoken to the Duchess' brother-in-law.

He's agreeable to a cash payment.

He may be agreeable but Mr. Graham and I are not.

If it was only money we wanted,

we would have stayed in Lord Wilkerson's employ.

But of course you wouldn't know about that.

He hired us to fetch her back to England.

But a few hundred pounds' fee cannot compare with three million in jewels.

We're not playing games, Mr. Higgins.

If you don't want to give me those jewels...

Mr. Wilkes, please. You'll have the jewels.

There's no reason to harm Lady Wilkerson.

I just need a little time to collect them. An hour.

- Last chance. - I assure you.

One hour then. At the corner of Hotel and Lillier.

Please be punctual. And alone.

If Rick finds us here...

No one is to know we've spoken to the kidnappers.

Those guys aren't gonna play fair.

I have no choice but to go along with it.

I think you're wrong. Let me get Rick and T.C.

No. Don't you understand?

They were very explicit. I'm to come alone.

Wait a minute.

You're not going without me. Higgins?

Alright. But no one else. No one.

You really think they're worth three million?

What is it?

Perhaps I should have inspected them more carefully before.

What is it?

The whole lot's worth only a few thousand dollars.

What?

Magnum, these jewels aren't real.

They're nothing more than very well-made paste.

Where are they leading us?

They're headed for the wharf.

- I don't like it. - Just be prepared for anything.

Oh, no. I think my foot's gone to sleep.

For God's sake, Magnum.

It's not my fault. I've been cramped up in the back...

Put your head down. Do you want them to see you?

I can't help it. I got a charlie horse.

Higgins, what will they do when they find out the jewels are phony?

They won't find out. I won't let them.

- He's pulling up next to a boat. - Get close to the water.

I'll get as close as I can.

This is far enough.

- You feel the need for protection? - Our crew.

We've rented the gentleman's boat to take us to Tahiti.

Those jewels now if you don't mind.

Not until you present the Duchess.

I've talked nicely, Mr. Higgins.

If you choose to renege on our agreement,

then I shall be obliged to take the box

and let these boys have a go at you.

Forgive me for not being frightfully intimidated,

but I have no fear of harm until you are satisfied

that these are the jewels you want.

Give me that box!

Bring Lady Wilkerson to the deck.

You drop those and you're a dead man.

Be that as it may, you will still have lost your fortune.

Graham, fetch her out here!

- Are you all right, Your Grace? - Yes, Jonathan.

Yes. As you say, we must be sure that these are the genuine article.

Magnum!

Vivien, get off the boat!

Your turn.

Magnum, look out!

Oh, thank you, Thomas.

No, Vivien, wait.

Don't thank me. Thank Higgins. He planned the whole rescue.

Thank you, Jonathan.

We must all seize life when the rare opportunity presents itself.

Isn't that what you said in your letter?

You weren't listening. It was Higgins.

I was listening. To the modest words of a brave and gracious man.

As I neared the finish line,

the phrase about winning the battle and losing the war came to mind.

If I deliberately lost the race,

Vivien's misplaced hero worship might wane,

and she might see Higgins with clearer eyes.

But as Higgins said, words like honor and integrity are important.

I had to try to win.

- 17th! Thomas, you were 17th! - Way to go, man!

That's a lot better than last year. Let me massage those sore arms.

That was absolutely wonderful. I knew you could do it.

I only finished 17th.

But last year you came in 62nd. That's a magnificent improvement.

Yeah, but I really wanted that trophy.

I mean I really wanted... Oh, forget it.

I mean, what's a trophy anyway? Can it boogie?

17th place is still good enough to get the chicks, right, guys?

The chicks?

Hey, dig my action over there. They are already starting to congregate.

I'm sorry, but excuse me, that's the price you pay.

- Thomas. - Yeah?

I thought perhaps we might have another quiet dinner

to celebrate your achievement.

Hey, what can I say?

I'm gonna be into this heavy party thing the rest of the day

and like you said, I was pretty impressive.

Lunch tomorrow? Maybe, okay?

Rick, would you take care of my surf ski? Love ya. Gotta run.

Catch you back at the hacienda, Big Hig.

Big Hig?

Hi, girls.

Wait a minute! I finished 17th!

Is he all right?

It's obviously oxygen narcosis from his exertion in the race.

Honestly, Vivien, this is quite uncharacteristic behavior for Magnum.

Yes, of course.

My husband always suspected Eric's weakness of character.

You couldn't know he'd stolen the jewels

and replaced them with copies.

All I can do is pity him, go back home, assume my duties.

May I present you with a goodbye gift?

Oh.

That piece of your jewelry is indeed the genuine article.

And so are you.

Will you come and visit me in England, please?

Indeed. I would be honored. Bye.

Viv! Vivien!

Darn it. I missed her.

I wanted to say goodbye.

You deliberately missed Vivian's departure,

just as you deliberately acted like an ass on the beach.

Of course.

You know that letter you wrote to Vivien?

It was such a success, I was wondering if you could knock one off for me,

unsigned, of course.

You see, I wouldn't ask except I've got this friend...

Well, to begin at the beginning,

I was on my third tour of duty in Vietnam

and a classmate of mine, Richie Dalrymple-White,

had been missing in action for some time...