Original subtitles

Okay, Lilly,

you ready for your first day?

Aye, aye, Captain!

Full speed ahead!

Like a submarine.

Because we're in a sub shop.

My sandwiches are better than my jokes.

Good because you're my first hire as assistant manager

and if you look good then I look good.

And if you don't look good--

Don't go there, Dwight, don't go there.

Don't go there.

Well someone looks hungry!

Well, I wasn't.

But then

I saw that girl over there and I said to myself,

"Self,

you want a sandwich

made by her."

Well, I only hire the best!

Showtime.

Hello, and, uh, welcome to

The Smiling Sub where every order comes with chuckling chips

and a large giddy gulp.

Nice!

Enjoy your meal.

Don't blow it.

She'll be fine. She'll be fine. She'll be fine.

Oh my gosh

you look so cute. Here,

say, "Ham and cheese."

Ham and cheese!

And after a few paychecks

and some generous tips

a wink wink--you can take one of me and Oliver

buying our brand new used car!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Now, what can I get you, miss?

I'll have a foot long, toasted,

with roast beef, turkey, and provolone. Provolone on

top, mustard and mayo on the bottom.

Three shakes salt, half a shake pepper,

and some oil and vinegar on the meat,

but not on the bun.

I hate when it gets soggy.

What part of my first day did you not get?

I'll take ham and cheese.

Coming right up!

One ham and cheese, coming--

Oh, oh no wait, that's not even.

Okay.

All right, let's see. Okay,

closer, but not good enough.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

You know what? You are absolutely right.

But this one is! Oh, oh, wait, hang on.

Okay, perfect.

Now, two slices of ham.

One, two.

Oh hang on, it's hanging over.

Is there anyone else that can help me?

Oh, I'll be right with you.

Come on, you can just shove the ham in there.

Uh, it's not like that in the picture.

You know, I-I'm thinking this may be a defective bun.

Oh, come on!

Hey, back off. It's her first day.

Just shove the ham in!

Fine.

Okay, two slices of cheese.

Oh.

Th-That is not right.

My break's almost over. Let's go!

Uh, what's going on out here?

She's taking forever!

Hey, I told you to back off!

You know, I can handle this, thank you.

You know, she'll be right with you.

Just make the sandwich!

Okay, fine. I mean,

you're the boss.

Yeah.

Who cares what it looks like?

Forget about quality.

Forget about pride in your work!

Just mash it together!

There!

There's my first sandwich,

take a picture of that!

Thank you!

No, no, no, it's hideous!

Don't wrestle with the customers! It's my first sandwich!

And your last.

But I was saving up for a car.

Fine.

You can keep your tips.

Hey, girls!

Lilly, how was your first day on the job?

I mean, I hear you and Oliver are

saving up to buy a new car.

Okay, who wants a ham and cheese?

I'm sorry, honey, he came with the house.

Don't worry,

we'll get you another job.

I applied for thirty before I got this one.

And the only reason I got it was

because my dumb boss

had a grandmother named Lilly

and I totally used it.

"Oh, land sakes alive, aren't you adorable.

Here's my application."

Oh my eyes!

What was that?

I think the new housekeeper just found Jackson's room.

The horror!

The horror!

Oh come on, buddy,

you were a Navy Seal.

You ain't going to let a little dirt

scare you off, are you?

I took out my own appendix.

With a wet wipe,

dental floss,

and a rusty spoon, and I never shed a tear.

But that room..

.I've got to sleep with the lights on tonight.

That's it.

Another brave one bites the dust.

This ends now.

There you are.

Oh sweet filthy flipping niblets, son!

All we need is a tire on a swing

and I could sell tickets to see The Malibu Monkey Boy!

Listen, you're in college now.

It's time to start thinking,

acting and living like an adult!

Jackson.

Oh,

sorry, Dad.

I was just thinking about how cool it'd be

if I really were half-man and half-monkey.

I mean, check it out.

Look, I'd have a driver's license

and I'd be able to drive with my feet!

Hey you, get out of the way!

Oh you just love to test me, don't you, big guy?

Come on, Dad,

we'll find another housekeeper.

Son, that's the fifth one that's ran

screaming out of the house this year.

You think it's so easy, you find one.

I'll do it!

What?

Great, you're hired.

You're welcome.

And you're ugly.

Dummy, say what?

What?

Dummy.

Are you sure you want to be a housekeeper?

Well, it's not my first choice,

but if Oliver and I are going to buy a

car I need a job.

But, Lilly, won't it be a little strange

cleaning up after us?

Why not? I mean, I'm here all the time anyway.

I mean, I know where everything goes.

It's true.

And, Dad, let's face it, I mean,

she's the only housekeeper that we're going

to find that's already immune to Jackson's stank.

See?

Her eyes don't even water anymore.

Honey, please don't stir it up!

So, are you cool with it?

Oh, honey, if it gets the sting out of my eyes

she can have your grandmother's wedding ring.

Yeah, but I-I really need this job.

No, you see, me and my girlfriend are trying to

buy a car together and--

Okay, well can you put me on the waiting list?

Oh, fantastic!

Okay. Thank you.

How's the job search going?

Oh, great. I mean,

if thirty-two people ahead of me all win the lottery,

you're looking at the new scooper

trainee at Yippy Yummy Yogurt.

Don't worry, buddy. Just

keep your eyes open.

You never know when a job will just

pop up.

Oh!

Excuse me while I move

my New Jackson Wanted sign

to where some lucky potential

employee might see it.

Oh, I'm not working for you.

Why not?

For the same reason no one wants to work

for you ever since Jackson quit for college.

Rico, you're a horrible person.

That is so not true.

Excuse me,

I only have ninety-nine cents,

but could I get the dollar bottled water?

Who do I look like, the water fairy?

You need a penny?

Sell your hair.

Cute little guy.

So, when you want to start?

Oh, forget it.

But, Oliver, you have to!

If you don't, I'll have to face my girlfriend,

tell her I can't afford my half of the car,

I'm a complete loser, and--

Oh wait,

that's not me that's you!

You're despicable!

Welcome aboard.

Who's the cleanest plant in Malibu?

You are. Yes you are.

Whoa. Oh my gosh!

Lilly,

this place looks amazing!

It's okay?

Are you kidding me?

Lulu,

she smells so lemony fresh!

And the couch, it doesn't smell so

Jacksony ripe.

Lilly, I love you!

Aw, well I'm just doing my job.

Oh, um, Mr. Stewart, I hope you don't mind

when I cleaned your bathroom I reorganized

all your hair products in order

of application from, uh, pre-rinse to shampoo to

volumizing mousse. Volumizing mousse?

Oh yeah!

If you ladies will excuse me I'm going to go shampoo now.

You know,

I've got to admit I was kind of worried about

the whole thing, but it's working out perfectly.

What?

Uh, well, it's-it's just that, you know,

things look so nice, and then the--

And-And-And then the purse and the scarf

and-- No, no, no, it's fine! You know, it's your house,

you should be comfortable.

Cool.

Now what?

Well, it's just, um,

you know-you know the cushions were plumped and--

No, you know, it's fine. I'll just

clean it all over again on Thursday.

What happened to "I should be comfortable?"

You're right, I'll stop.

Let me just get those

Hannah hairs before they, uh,

wind up on my clean rug. Just--

Yeah,

that would be tragic.

Oh, yes.

Movie time!

Yay!

Mm.

Ooh, butter.

Ooh, butter what?

Well, it's just, you know,

butter.

It's a stain waiting to happen.

A grease stain. Ah, they're the worst.

And I don't care.

Good girl.

Leave extra time to scrub couch.

And clothes I just washed today.

Fine. I won't eat the popcorn.

Happy?

This isn't working.

Well, maybe if you ate in the

kitchen like a person.

Look,

although you are an unbelievable housekeeper,

maybe Dad was right. Maybe you working

for us is kind of,

I don't know, strange.

Oh, not for me.

Really?

Really!

Really?

Well unless you have a problem with it.

Because, I mean, I totally need this job.

No, um,

it's not me it's, um,

it's-it's my dad!

He's actually just--

He's not as happy as he made you think.

Bless you, Lilly.

He is way happier.

I mean, look at this!

I forgot he even had a floor!

And this chair!

I thought we lost it in the move!

Yeah, I didn't even see it at first either.

I mean, it was buried under pizza so old

there were mushrooms growing out of the mushrooms.

Lilly Truscott, I'm giving you a raise!

Thank you, Mr. Stewart!

Ah, new car here I come!

Isn't that great, Miley?

Super!

My room!

Oh, you're welcome.

For what?

It's horrible!

Where's my petrified sweat sock sculpture?

Where's Mashed Potato Mountain?

Where's--

Hey, I thought we lost that chair in the move.

Hey, you got any advice for getting the

burnt crusty pork off my barbecue?

Too late.

You didn't!

I did!

Yeah, she probably even dusted the charcoal.

I even dusted the charcoal.

Come see!

I'm getting my camera!

I cleaned the lens.

You didn't! I did! Oh!

Socks in drawers?

Shirts on hangers?

It's madness! I can't live like this!

That neat freak has to go!

You know,

I don't really want to say this, but

you're right.

Ow,

that actually hurt.

But,

I mean, she does need a job.

So just get her her old job back.

Yeah, like I could--

Actually,

Jackson, that's a great idea.

Ow!

Two in a row.

Here you go and thank you for choosing Rico's.

Oh! Three cheers for the generous tipper!

Hip hip!

Hey-o!

Hip hip!

Hey-o!

Hip hip! What are you doing?

Oh, we're, uh,

we're cheering on the tipper. It's a crowd pleaser, watch this.

Hip hip!

Hey-o!

You see that?

Okay, first,

I own the exclusive

North American rights

to the "hey-o!"

Second,

why are you happy?

You're not supposed to be happy.

You work for me.

And you know what? It's-

It's not so bad.

I mean, I'm on the beach all day.

Everyone's friendly.

And every hour that I'm working for you,

I'm an hour closer to getting my new car.

I don't like your attitude, mister.

Jackson was miserable every minute he was here

and I loved it.

Oh,

seeing his pain was like

waking up on Christmas morning to find

all those presents under the tree.

Where are my presents?

I want my presents!

I don't know!

Sorry to disappoint you, man, but

I like this job.

Oh,

we'll see about that.

Because I will have my Christmas morning.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha.

I own that too. Okay.

Oh, you missed some bird poop over there.

Oh, cool.

Hey, thanks, Rico.

Oh, come on!

What can you possibly like about this?

Uh, well,

I can see Lilly cleaning the Stewart's house from here.

Hey, Lilly!

She saw me!

She saw--

"She saw me!"

She did! She did, she's right there.

I was mocking you!

I know.

And you're cute when you're mad!

Well, I'm about to get adorable!

Come to Rico's for good food

It will brighten up your mood

And if you think that I'm a fool

Please tell everyone at school

Why are you still happy?

You're dressed as a penguin,

you're sweating like a pig,

you should be miserable!

Miserable?

Dude, I just lost

the last three pounds I needed to get in my skinny jeans.

Now, when I say foxy you say penguin!

Foxy!

Penguin!

Foxy!

Penguin!

Stop it!

Foxy!

Penguin!

Foxy!

Penguin!

Foxy!

Penguin!

Enjoy your meal.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

Uh, what are you doing?

Sorry, pal, this shop is closed.

Here.

Why don't you go next door and get yourself

a, uh, a nice soup in a sourdough bowl.

And, uh,

if you hear any screaming emanating from this establishment,

just eat your soup.

Uh, hey! That-That was my-- Yeah, bup-bup-bup!

But I-- Uh, bup-bup!

I just-- Bup!

Yo, Adrian.

We're good to go.

Thanks, Fredo.

Hello, Dwight.

How you doing?

Do I know you?

No,

but I know youse.

You are the deeply confused young man who mistakenly

fired my little girl.

Fredo,

help our friend sit down.

You're Lilly Truscott's mom?

Incorrect, my friend.

I'm her godmother.

Bum, bum, bum.

Not yet!

Are you sure? That felt like the right place to just

throw that in there-- Fredo!

Sorry, boss.

He's one layer short of a lasagna

if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, lasagna, that's good.

That wasn't a joke.

Sorry.

Do I amuse you?

Do you-

you think of me as some kind of clown?

Oh please don't hurt me,

please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me.

Relax, Dwight.

There's no need to get hurt here.

All you've got to do's

is call Lilly and offer her her job back.

But I'm not sure I can do that.

Listen, I've got a question for youse.

Are you fond of your kneecaps?

I said, are you fond of your kneecaps?

Sorry.

Bum, bum, bum.

My sister's kid.

What are you going to do?

So, what's it going to be?

Lilly here,

or

you taking a little walk with Fredo?

Lilly?

Good kid.

Now, you go call that girl

and make her an offer that she can't refuse.

And remember's,

we were never here.

Never.

Okay.

Badda-bing!

Badda-boom.

Miley?

Badda-busted.

What are you guys doing here?

Just getting a sandwich.

Dressed like that?

Uh, I just came back from a, uh, uh...

A-A video shoot.

Yeah. For my new-For my new single.

Called, uh...

Uh,

uh, "Mobster Mama".

Yeah, it's-it's super cool.

You should hear it. Why don't you sing her a little bit?

I'm a mobster mama

She's mean

She's tough

She's a mobster mama

Don't make me get rough

Because I can do my stuff

Like Julianne Hough

Hey Break it down.

Miley. Miley. Miley.

Fine.

The truth is,

Dad was right.

Having you work for us

was a little ookie and

we were just trying to get your job back.

You're kidding. I came down here to

get my job back because I felt the same way!

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to hurt you!

Really? Aw!

Oh,

this is so sweet. It reminds me of

my favorite episode of My Name is Hurl.

Well,

I guess I'd better go try and get my job back.

Oh, nope.

That's already taken care of.

And

I think you're even getting a raise.

Really?

Yo, Dwight!

And I think you should give the girl a raise!

Yes, Godmother!

Good boy.

Thank you, Miley.

Oh, you know what? I-I'd better call your dad.

I'm already on it.

And, yeah.

I mean, I'm sure he'll be fine. He's a big boy.

He can take care of himself.

No, Jackson, no! She can't do this to me!

Please! Please, please, please.

And it smells so fresh!

Come on dude

It's not so bad

Just because you can't make me mad

Jump in, Rico

Sing along

Join me in my jolly--

Enough!

You win!

Your happiness has broken me.

Now, get out of my sight.

Go back to your stupid girlfriend.

What did you call Lilly?

Stupid?

A dumb,

pathetic...

Oh!

Squeaky voiced

loser.

Nobody talks about

my Lilly-pop like that!

Come here!

Dopey!

Stinky! Oh!

Whiney! Oh!

That's it, when I get my hands on you...

Yes! I'm being chased by an angry penguin employee!

Merry Christmas, everyone!