Original subtitles

Next up for auction, we have a round of golf

with the hilarious Ray Romano!

Who's Ray Romano?

He's the star of Everybody Loves Raymond.

What's that?

You know, the guy with the big nose, never does what his wife tells him.

On Tv for nine years.

Nope. Never heard of it.

Ray, why don't you stand up?

Show everybody what they're bidding for.

Come on, everyone.

Look, l know he's not as cute as l am,

but, hey, he won a couple Emmys.

Three!

Stop it, Ray. You're embarrassing yourself.

Hey, kid, you know who l am, right?

Sure. You're Ray Romano.

Whoever that is.

Wow, this is sad. l'll bid $ 12.

$ 11!

Sold!

Wait, wait, don't l get like a ''going once''?

Fine. Once, twice, sold. Happy?

Okay, up next, we have a dinner with teen pop sensation, Hannah Montana.

$5,000.

- $6,000. - $ 7,000.

All right, why don't you all come up and just punch me in the face?

$ 7,000, going once...

You know, l got to admit, l was kind of nervous

l was gonna get stuck with some jerk.

Going twice...

$ 10,000!

- ls that... - lt couldn't be.

Sweet niblets!

Hiya, toots, wear something yummy.

But no heels. l don't want to climb too high.

$ 10,000, going once...

- Guys, do something. - l spent all my money on Roy.

Ray! Ray!

You know what? Don't worry about it. Here.

Here's $ 100.

Why don't you golf with Snotty McBoogerhead?

$ 10,000, going twice...

$ 15,000!

Sold!

come on!

l cannot believe it's Johnny.

l haven't seen him in, like, two years.

Hey, Miley. How's it going?

Pretty good, just getting some ketchup for my veggie burger.

l see you like mayonnaise.

l've never tried that on a veggie burger,

and maybe l should, but not today because l've already got

- the ketchup thing going... - Miley! Miley!

You know, what a lot of people don't know is,

it's also a wonderful moisturiser.

Here. lsn't that lovely?

Moisturiser. You're pretty funny.

My hand does feel softer.

$ 15,000, going once...

$ 16,000!

Seventeen!

Take mama home, baby. Take mama home!

Remember how much he liked Hannah?

lf he wins, this could be the start of something beautiful.

$ 18,000!

$ 18,000 to the little man with the big wallet.

- How do we stop him? - l got your back.

So what if Rico wins? How bad could it be?

$ 19,000!

Nineteen, going once...

- Going twice... - Wrap it up, baby. Wrap it up.

- Sold! - Hallelujah!

$20,000!

Sorry, kid. There's always next year.

Unless Hannah Montana wants to raise double the money

and turn this into a dinner for three.

Donny without Marie say what?

You know, it would be great for the beaches.

- lt's okay with me. - Let's hear it for Hannah Montana!

Hey, Roxy.

l'm sorry, baby boy. What are you doing here?

Bleeding internally.

What's going on down here?

You two are supposed to be at the Dodger game.

Why aren't you at the Dodger game?

- lt's too hot. - Too hot?

What kind of wimpy example are you setting for your son?

Now, get moving.

Throw on a hat and some sunscreen,

and maybe stick one of those frozen lemonades

down the back of your pants. lt'll be fun!

Now hold on there, Danica Patrick.

What's got your engines all revved up?

Yeah, and when did you and Dad go to Niagara Falls?

That. Yeah. That's a funny story.

Yeah, l'll tell you that after the baseball game. Bye.

Well, great. Then that will give you a chance to explain

when l wore this hula skirt and this coconut bra,

because l sure as heck don't remember it.

l'm sorry.

Maybe l sort of told somebody that, well,

l live here and l'm married to you.

- What? - What?

My high school reunion is this week,

and Clarice Johnson is going to be there.

- Who? - Who?

Okay, will you stop doing that? lt's very irritating.

Well, so is finding out that we're now man and wife!

Yeah, start talking, Mom.

l spent my entire childhood tortured by Clarice Johnson.

She was prettier, more popular, more everything.

And l will not have her thinking that l am single

and living in an apartment with a goldfish named Denzel.

But you are.

No, that's not true.

l had to flush Denzel. Now l have a doggie named Diddy.

And you expected us to just go along with this?

No, l didn't. l expected you to be at the Dodger game.

When she came over.

Look, l'm sorry. l didn't mean to put you in this awkward position.

l don't know what l was thinking.

Roxy Roker!

Hello, Clarice.

You must be Jackson and Robby.

You know, l gotta tell you,

l thought you made the whole thing up.

You know something?

Nobody, and l mean nobody, in our entire class

ever expected that Roxy would ever find a man.

ln fact, she was voted ''most likely to die alone.''

Look, when you walk into that reunion with that man on your arm,

everybody who ever thought you were a man,

they're gonna owe you an apology.

Listen, about that, l got to...

Hey, no need to apologise.

Check out this picture of me and my foxy Roxy

cliff diving in Acapulco.

That's my man!

Hey, chipmunk cheeks,

which one of these colognes do you think

will drive Hannah Montana crazy?

Just be yourself. That should do it.

You're right.

How can l do any better than my own Ric-aroma?

Oh, yes. She will be mine.

Unbelievable, l finally get a date with Johnny,

and now Rico is gonna ruin everything.

Thanks for getting me sick, Lilly.

My pleasure.

Guys, come on!

The last thing l need is to get sick and

miss the date with Johnny. That's it!

Save the snot, guys. l got plans for it.

Get away from me. You're sick.

No, it's just allergies.

Sorry.

Can you throw this away for me?

Back off, booger boy!

Hey, handsome. How's it going?

Get away from me!

l've got a big date on Saturday, and nobody is going to ruin it.

Curse this Ric-aroma!

You owe me!

That ought to get her done.

Hey, can we get some nachos?

No problem.

On second thought, never mind.

Operation Rico Sicko complete-o.

l can't get the Rico taste off my mouth.

l'm gonna have to boil my lips.

Excuse me, can l get a bigger spoon?

That's Hannah Montana.

l know. She's my date.

Yeah, right.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi.

You said that already.

l don't care. l think it's cute.

You think that's cute, say hello to drop dead gorgeous.

So, l heard you went to school in Arizona. How was that?

Not bad. l played a lot of basketball.

You know, it was so hot, it was hard to get my head in the game.

My ears are stuffed. What'd you say?

Head in the game. Head in the game.

- You know, get my head in the game. - l get it.

Now, make yourself useful, poodle dude.

l want a picture of my first date with my future wife.

Smile pretty.

This could be our first Christmas card.

Yeah. ''Happy Holidays. Love, beauty and the beast.''

You so get me.

You know, if you're not feeling well, you could always go home and rest.

Good idea. Let's go, love bunny.

You can have my salad. l'm taking the main course to go.

Slow down, little Romeo. We're all on this date together.

lf you don't feel good, you could go home

and we could have dinner another time.

You know a year, two, the afterlife. l'm very flexible.

Forget it.

Fine.

We'll just.. We'll just try to ignore him.

Okay.

How would you like your shrimp prepared?

Hacked into tiny little pieces.

Hands off the fancy cheese.

l raised you better than this.

You didn't raise me at all.

Don't sass your mama, boy.

Roxy, you're not my ''mama!''

l'm sorry.

lt's just that the reunion is tonight, and Clarice and... They're here!

Robby Ray Stewart, you take your feet off my nice coffee table.

Yes, dear.

Clarice!

Roxy, this is my husband, Edward.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Eddie.

And this is my man, Robby Ray.

Now, l know what you're thinking,

l drilled for good-looking and hit a gusher.

- What a beautiful view you have. - Thank you.

Cost us a boatload,

but my Robby-cakes just loves to spoil me.

The things we do for our ladies.

You have no idea, Eddie.

Hey, Mom, have you seen my college-level physics books, Mom?

l didn't know we had company, Mom.

Edward, this is my stepson, Jackson.

We have a son about your age.

He's a genius with a violin.

My Jackson is a genius, too. On the piano.

- l am? - He is?

Of course he is. He's a real bad mamma jamma.

Yeah.

We'd love to hear you play something.

- No, you wouldn't. - No, you wouldn't.

l like to add a little hip-hop flair.

Yeah, he gets that from me.

We're very proud.

Jazz hands.

Seriously, maybe you should go home.

You'd like that, wouldn't you, you walking pom-pom?

Hey, Rico, are you not feeling good?

That's too bad because this food is really good. See?

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Hannah! Come on, he's driving me crazy, too,

but the poor kid is sick.

And he's ruining our date. Don't you see?

He's not mean because he's sick. He's mean because he's evil!

How do you know he's evil? You just met him.

l can read people. lt's a gift. See, you're hot and he's...

Yes! l should have thought of that an hour ago.

l paid 20 grand for this?

That's it. l'm out of here.

Wait, Johnny. Johnny, where are you going?

As far away from you as l can get.

l thought you'd be cool and down-to-earth, like your songs.

Nobody's Perfect. You ain't even close.

Johnny! Come back!

Way to get rid of the third wheel.

Look, Robby Ray,

can you believe that that's the girl you fell in love with?

l still can't believe it.

Every day with this beautiful woman feels like the first.

l know exactly what you mean, Edward.

Look. Roberta Franklin.

You know, l hear she's still single, packing groceries in a supermarket.

She'll probably never show up this evening.

Well, you don't know.

l mean, she may not be a millionaire with a gorgeous husband,

but she may be perfectly happy with her life.

Please, how could anybody be happy with a life like that?

lt's possible.

l mean, you can get through a lot

if you're surrounded by people who love you.

Well, l can tell you one thing,

if l see her tonight, l'm not speaking to her.

l will. ln fact, l'll sit with her.

lt turns out l have more in common with her than l do with you.

What's gotten into you?

Pride.

Pride in myself and who l really am.

Now l'm gonna say something l should've said

the minute that you came in here.

- What? - Get out of my house!

Go on, get!

Way to go, Clarice.

This is why we don't have any friends.

Don't worry. l'll tell her the truth at the reunion.

lf l even speak to her.

And thanks, Robby. Thank you for everything.

Okay, honeymoon's over.

Just one more second, snuggle-puss.

l am so glad l'm done with that flu.

Yeah, the only thing good about getting sick is

you feel so great when it's over.

lf l live that long.

l feel awful.

- Poor Miley. - Poor both of me.

Johnny barely noticed Miley and now he hates

Hannah.

This might not make you feel better,

but sometimes things happen for a reason.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be with you and Johnny.

Yeah. You're right.

That didn't make me feel any better.

You know, Miley, it's true.

l mean, if l've learned anything in my past with the ladies, it's...

Don't wear your ''l'm a chick magnet'' T-shirt?

That was one time, Lilly.

Anyways, l was gonna say,

if the universe doesn't want you and Johnny together,

- there's nothing you can do about it. - Yeah.

And if the universe wants to change its mind, then...

- How do l look? - A little green.

lt's a cute green. lt's a really cute green.

Miley? Miley Stewart?

Hi.

l haven't seen you in, like, two years.

- You look great. - Thanks. So do you.

l heard you had a date with Hannah Montana.

Yeah, what a disaster that was.

Sorry, that's too bad.

She wasn't for me anyway.

l like girls who are more down-to-earth.

Kind of like l remember you were.

Really?

- Yeah, really. - l...

And the universe has spoken.

And it had shrimp last night.

Who you trying to kid, boy?

That's right, Daddy. l'm deep.

l just wanted you to love me.