Original subtitles

Uncle Earl.

Or Aunt Pearl.

What do you think, son?

Wow. Put on an apron and a pair of combat boots

and you could be her twin.

You're right. l think l'll go with Earl.

Daddy, l think you need to take the canyon.

The highway is jammed.

And how do l know that?

Because l have streaming live traffic on my new O-Phone.

''Tomorrow's technology, today, today, today.''

l know, l know.

Man, l wish l had the O-Phone instead of this stupid Slim Flip.

''Look at me. l'm slim and l flip, l'm slim and l flip, l'm slim and l flip.''

Man.

-Do you want the O-Phone? -Yes, l do!

No, you don't. Not when you can have the new z-Phone.

With high-def display and digi-dynamic sound,

it makes the O-Phone old news.

-Daddy, you saw that commercial. -Yes, l did. v ery nice graphics.

Dad, the Z-Phone's not just a phone.

lt's full of dynamic digi stuff.

l have to have it!

Now, that's what you said when you begged me for the O-Phone.

-l was a child then. -lt was last month.

But l've grown! l have new phone needs!

Tell him, Lola.

Why? So l can hear you brag about your new-new phone?

Give it up for Hannah Montana!

-Help me out and you get this one. -Oh, boy!

Shame on you for buying her this dinosaur.

l am disappointed in you, mister!

Somehow l'll go on.

l would like to dedicate this concert to my daddy.

A dad as cool as the new z-Phone! How awesome are they?

Hold that thought.

Did l mention it comes with GPS?

Did l mention l ain't getting it?

come on!

Thank you, Long Beach!

Darling, it's a phone, not a kidney. You can live without it.

But... But, Daddy...

Hannah!

Loved your shout-out to the Z-Phone. l just can't live without it.

You don't say.

Honey, did l ever tell you that when l was a kid,

l had a one-eyed carrier pigeon who just flew around in circles?

Kept bringing me my own note back.

l survived it.

Hannah, your daddy's so funny when he goes all Pony Express.

Well, l'm glad l can amuse you.

Now l just got to get out back there and saddle up the old limo.

Stop it!

So, what's your Z-Code so we can Z-Chat and Z-Text?

-Mine's still in zee box. -Yeah, in zee store.

l'm having it Hannah-fied.

Like yours, but more. lf that's possible.

-l can't wait to see it. -That makes two of us.

l'm getting a Z-Minder.

Traci, time to leave for Amanda Bynes's beach barbecue

to benefit baby belugas.

l'm just so grateful to live in a world

where people like us can have phones like this.

l know.

Why did you say you have that phone?

Simple. l have the lQ of a peanut.

As soon as she finds out that l don't have that phone,

she's gonna tell everybody.

''Beyoncé, did you hear? Hannah doesn't have the Z-Phone!''

l'll be a joke!

l want that phone, l want that phone, l want that phone!

Hannah has a hissy! Thanks, kid.

Can't you people ever give me a break?

Sorry, kid! This picture's gonna pay for my new Z-Phone!

l cannot believe this.

l made myself look like a total idiot, all because of that phone.

l'm on the front page! Don't l look so cute when l'm scared?

lf you don't get over yourself in about three seconds,

you're gonna look absolutely adorable!

-Three seconds? That's it? -Take it or leave it.

-Fine. -Go!

Look at my hair! Look at my eyes! Look at my outfit!

-l'm a star, l'm a star, l'm a star! -Time!

Okay, l'm good.

lt's Traci calling on her new Z-Phone.

You know what? l'm just gonna tell her the truth.

lt can't be any more humiliating than this picture.

Listen, Traci, about the Z-Phone...

l call firsties. Did you hear the dish on Dakota?

She doesn't have the Z-Phone because her daddy won't let her.

lsn't that positively medieval?

Yeah. lmagine having a father like that.

l know!

Svetlana, you're massaging my neck, not wringing out a mop!

Anyway, promise you won't tell anyone.

Because you don't want me to embarrass her?

Of course not. That's my job.

Well, it must feel good to get that off your chest.

You know, life is a lot easier with a sense of humour.

Life is also a whole lot easier with that phone!

You know, it's funny. Just last week you actually did have the money,

but you spent it all on those shoes and that purse and that Miley necklace.

Remember what l said about a sense of humour.

This is so unfair.

Some sleazy, disgusting paparazzi gets a humiliating picture of Hannah,

and suddenly he has the phone l want.

Yeah, l know. lf only we were sleazy and disgusting,

we could take a picture of you and sell it.

What?

How you doing, Sleazy? l'm Disgusting.

Hey, Dad, wish me luck.

l'm off to a shirts-and-skins volleyball game.

And, lucky for the ladies, l'm skins.

You got your wallet?

Yeah.

Now.

How about your sunglasses?

Yes.

Now.

-And did you remember to put on... -Underwear! Of course! l'm not an idiot!

l was gonna say sunscreen, but l'm glad to hear about the underwear.

Come on, Dad. Do you really think you need to remind me about sunscreen?

l live in LA, l go to the beach every day...

So you forgot.

l'll put it on when l get there! Stop treating me like a child. Gosh!

Jackson, is that you?

How'd the volleyball go?

What can l say, Dad? l was on fire out there.

That's my boy.

Now go shower up. We got us some Tennessee football to watch!

l think l'm just gonna go take a nap.

Nap? Stewart men don't nap when there's football on!

That's what golf is for!

Okay, l'll be right down.

-Hello? -Hello?

Perfect. No one's in here. Okay, we can do this.

l'll call it Hannah, Before the Glamour.

-Take the picture already! -l don't know. lt looks too posed.

That's 'cause it is posed!

See, that's the problem.

We need to make it look more spontaneous,

like you were taken by surprise. We need to make it...

Hey, Mile, do you know what this thing does?

l think l got a pretty good idea!

-Hey, that could work. -You think?

And Tennessee football is on the air!

Son, get your butt down here! lt's kickoff time!

l personally love the look,

but l think you need to put a little more boo-yah in your hoo-yah!

Boo-yah!

l love it! lt's embarrassing, humiliating, demeaning!

-l know. She looks like a complete idiot! -He gets it.

Congratulations, you just knocked

''Double-Jointed vampire Bites His Own Butt''

right off the front page.

Look at you. The future of sleaze journalism.

l'll be right back with your blood money.

Man, l hope this Z-Phone is worth it.

lt is! And trust me, there's been a lot worse pictures of Hannah.

l don't know. This one's pretty goofy.

l mean, your hair in curlers and your eyes bugging out,

and your Miley necklace flopping all over the place.

Future of sleaze journalism say what?

Oh, my gosh.

As soon as they blow up this picture, they blow up my secret!

How could you have missed this?

Me? You're the one who bought that stupid necklace.

lf you had gotten your name on a refrigerator magnet like l did,

we wouldn't have this problem.

Here's your money, kids.

Thanks to you, in two days,

that picture's gonna be on every newsstand in the country.

Yeah, about that.

See, we're starting to feel

a little uncomfortable with the situation...

First-timer's guilt.

You'll get over that once you start spending that money.

Hey, have you seen those new Z-Phones? lncredible.

Yeah, l'm more of a letter writer.

Anyway, l really need that picture back.

You know what l need back?

The hair l had in 1 980! lt's on my back now.

Life is cruel, get over it. Now get out!

Talk!

-What are we gonna do? -l don't know!

l don't want excuses!

The Rock's in town for his new movie. He's staying at The Plaza,

and l need a picture that makes him want to crawl under a rock.

And then a regular photo. My son's a fan.

We can get you a picture of The Rock.

-l'm listening. -So am l.

l will trade you one humiliating picture of Hannah

for an even more humiliating picture of The Rock.

Kid, if you can get me a picture of one of the world's most popular movie stars

looking more ridiculous than your picture of Hannah Montana,

you got a deal.

-Easy peasy lemon sleazy. -Oh, boy.

Come on.

He breaks a tackle! He could go all the way!

Touchdown!

Time for another Tennessee Touchdown Stomp.

Again?

Yeah!

Son, what is the matter with you?

l'm just a little stiff from the volleyball game.

Well, sit up here and let me give you a good, hard, Robby Ray rubdown!

No! No, no, no, Dad, really. l'm all right!

Don't be silly. What you need

is a good old-fashioned deep-tissue massage

from hands strengthened by years of steel guitar playing.

-All right, here l come. -Here he comes.

-Get ready. -Okay.

-Almost there. -Almost there.

Okay! Okay! All right! l admit it! l'm burnt! l forgot the sunscreen!

No!

Wait a minute. When did you figure it out?

l heard you halfway up the beach, son. Luckily, l know just how to fix it.

So how are you feeling? The milk starting to take the sting out?

Yeah, actually it is. How much longer do l have to stay in here?

Mamaw said a couple of hours,

but don't worry, l brought you a little snack.

Come on, Rock. lt's time for your just desserts.

Are you sure?

Good choice.

l could've stuck with weddings and bar mitzvahs, but no,

l had to go for glamour.

-That's it, l'm out of here. -Lilly, no!

What? l don't look good in strawberry-cream pie!

And l am not gonna look good with that big old honking Miley necklace

on the cover of that rag.

Now, suck it up, we're going in.

-Can l help you? -Actually, we are here to help you.

We are your complimentary mani-pedi, hair and facial specialists, Mr...

The Rock.

The Rock.

Little bit of an airhead,

but she's the Picasso of pimple-popping.

lsn't that right, Lillian?

That's right. No muss, no fuss, no pus. That's me.

And l don't like pie.

Well, listen, ladies, l really appreciate it,

but l don't have time for this, so sorry.

Good gracious, look at those cuticles.

You do not know how close you came to a hangnail,

my little box-office sensation.

Well, l am gonna see my mom a little later,

so l guess a quick buff wouldn't hurt.

-Maybe even a little clear coat. -Now we're talking!

Now, we will take care of everything,

so just relax, close your little eyes,

and make sure you keep them closed until the treatment's done.

Early opening could be hazardous to your health.

And ours.

-Promise? -l promise.

Pinky swear?

That's a pinky?

This feels like more than a clear coat. Remember, it's got to look natural.

Trust me, they look perfect.

Why are you still putting stuff on my lips?

l'm trying to save them.

They're dryer than the Sahara Desert in the summer.

-Lillian. -Yeah, and blot.

Well, that tastes good. What is that? ls that strawberry?

And now, for a relaxing earlobe massage.

You might feel a slight pressure. That's normal.

You do not know how much tension builds up in those lobes, honey.

That's working. That's it.

-Yeah. -That's the one.

-And now for the best part. -Great.

A Himalayan temple massage.

Rocky likey.

What are you... What are you putting on my head?

Nothing. lt's just a hair follicle

extenuator thing.

-Well, what does it do? -You'll see.

Okay, and open your eyes in three, two, one.

Run!

Hey! What... Oh, my...

Hey, can't you people just ever give me a break?

Run, run!

l can't go out there. Look at me. l look like Grandma Rock.

-Come on, Miley. Run! -l can't do it.

Left, right, left, right. lt's just like walking, but faster!

No.

l can't sell this picture.

l've been on the other side of the camera.

l know what it feels like.

lf l don't give him a break,

how can l expect anyone to give me one?

But what about your secret?

l'd rather have everyone know l was Hannah Montana

than know l was just as slimy as those paparazzi.

l'm not decent!

lt's us.

You're not getting the earrings back.

Actually, l just wanted to say this was wrong and sorry.

And for the record, l knew it was wrong the whole time.

Okay.

-Why'd you do it? -Long story.

You can explain it while you're de-clawing me.

So all this started just because you wanted a Z-Phone?

Yeah. l guess l just got so caught up in having the next new thing.

You know, Miley, there's always gonna be something new

coming around the corner.

Hey, that's what my mom says.

Not that you remind me of my mom.

You know, except for the nails, because these are her nails.

Here's your picture back. l really am sorry.

Come on, Lilly. Let's go.

But, Miley, without the Rock picture,

how are we gonna get the Hannah picture back?

Guess we're not.

ls there some kind of problem?

Yeah, but it's my problem. l've bothered you enough.

-Well, hold on, maybe l can help. -Really?

Well, sure, you did the right thing by me.

And that was the best facial l've ever had.

l mean, look at me. Am l not glowing?

Well, in that case, maybe there is something you can do.

Thanks for finally giving me my picture back.

Well, after l thought about it,

l figured it was the right thing to do.

Good choice.

Hey, Jackson. You can probably get out now.

That's okay. l'm kind of enjoying it.

Aren't you getting lonesome out there?

Actually, l made some new friends.

Slow down, Tiger, you're gonna get a tummy ache.

Sure hope nobody's lactose intolerant.

And, Boots, you're making a mess. What are you, a dog?

Sorry.