Original subtitles

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lf cupid had a heart her first Top 10 hit.

All you need now is another dozen to

match the record of Hannah Montana.

What do you think, Hannah, she got the right stuff?

Totally, Colin, l think she's great.

Thanks, Hannah, that means a lot coming from you.

l'm welling up at the love and respect l feel

between these two princesses of pop.

Well, l think there's enough room in the music world for both of us,

- right, Mikayla? - Absotively, posilutely.

Adorable.

You're not gonna want to miss these two sharing the stage next week

at the United People's Relief charity concert in Florida.

We'll be right back. l'm Colin Lassiter

and this is The Real Deal.

And we're out.

Speaking of relief, l've got the bladder of a kitten.

lt is so great to finally meet you, l really am a huge fan.

Yeah, l hate you.

Thanks, l feel the exact same... What?

Your voice is stenchy, your music is stupid,

your outfits make me wanna puke on them,

but it looks like somebody already did.

Okay.

l don't know what your problem is but...

My problem is, is l'm 1 0 times better than you

and you're gonna find that out in Florida.

Miss Hannah, l'm taking all your fannas.

Okay, listen here, you one-hit bobblehead,

the only thing you're taking from me is lessons.

Okay, lesson number one, this is how you do the head thing.

Yeah, that's right, l went there.

Well, you know where l'm gonna go?

Down the toilet with the rest of your career?

Yeah, that's right, l went there again and this time l bought property.

Back up, kid.

And don't go shooting off your little tweeny-bopper mouth

at my client, okay?

She started it.

Yeah, and l am ending it, little Miss Soon to Be Used to Be.

Whoa, Nelly. l wonder who put the burr underneath your saddle,

but no one talks to my client that way.

lt's okay, Dad, l can handle it.

You heard her, Zeke. Why don't you go wait out in the wagon, okay?

Excuse me?

And while you're at it,

you might want to shave the ferret off your face, okay?

l shave mine when you shave yours.

That's right, l went there.

We are back in five, four, three...

Great story, Hannah.

Hey, we're back and we're having some fun now, aren't we, girls?

Oh, yeah, l just can't wait till Florida.

Neither can l.

l cannot wait to get to that concert

to show that two-faced tone-deaf toad who's boss.

Yeah, but you have to wear something amazing.

Mikayla always looks incredible.

For a two-faced tone-deaf toad.

Well, l don't care what Mikayla wants.

lt's a benefit concert

and all the girls are sharing one dressing room.

Go, Daddy. Go, Daddy.

l don't think so, because unlike you and your ''kinfolk,''

my client didn't grow up in a barn

and we're expecting our own dressing room.

Oh, l can see why you would need more room.

l mean, where else are you gonna put Mikayla's ego and your big mouth?

Step off, Goober.

Oh, darn. l'm afraid l'm losing you. We're breaking up.

l know that trick, you're crunching potato chips.

They're corn chips and you're not getting another room.

And that's the way Robby Ray rolls.

Well, could Robby Ray roll out some cash?

Hannah needs a new outfit for Florida.

l thought you were gonna wear that snazzy silver dress.

Dad, please, get with the times, that's so yesterday.

That's because yesterday's the day you bought it.

What about the one you bought

at the place next to the place that we went that one time?

- No, that's too... - Yeah, you're right.

Plus, when you wear that you have to wear...

- l know, and l hate those. - Who doesn't?

What about the one that l bought after the one

that l bought at the place next to the place?

Oh, you mean the one that goes with the shoes with the things.

- l love that one. - Me, too.

Daddy, do you even know what we're talking about?

No, but as long as it doesn't cost me a wad of cash, l'm all for it.

- Your dad is so... - l know!

Push.

Push.

Push!

Son, are you working out on that contraption

or giving birth to it?

Laugh all you want, old man.

But when the guns come in,

there's gonna be a new sheriff in town.

And a new deputy.

You know, when l was a kid,

we didn't have money for stuff like this.

You know what we lifted? Cows.

And when it rained, we went inside and lifted your Aunt Pearl.

Try lifting her up after a bowl of her homemade pinto bean soup.

Talk about your bang, pow!

Are you saying that this isn't a workout?

l'm not saying that at all. Thinking it, but not saying it.

All right, well, l'd like to see you give it a try, Flabio.

Okay.

Don't come crying to me when l break your little rubber band toy.

You know l'm just kidding you, right?

Well, it's not set for your height and weight.

Fine. Then set it for my height and weight.

Matter of fact, crank it up to ''Aunt Pearl.''

l'd like to see the rubber band toy that can handle Robby Ray.

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Oh, gosh.

Hey, Dad, look, this is the dress l'm gonna wear.

What happened?

Mr Puniverse got a butt-whooping

from a little itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny little rubber band.

Well, l'm gonna get to feeling better soon

and when l do, l'm coming after you.

Oh, no. l better run.

You look terrible.

Are you gonna be able to make it to Florida?

Lilly, he is obviously in pain. We've gotta show a little concern.

Daddy, can l get you an ice pack, a pillow?

Are you gonna be able to make it to Florida?

Don't worry about me, honey. l'm gonna be fine.

l doubt it.

When my dad's back goes out, he can't move for days.

He just sleeps on the dining room table.

Last Thanksgiving, we had to eat around him.

He had a muscle spasm. Giblets everywhere.

Roxy, this treatment better work, otherwise l can kiss Florida goodbye.

Oh, no problem, girl.

There's never been a jacked-up back that Roxy couldn't crack.

You know, l'm feeling better already.

l think this treatment's starting to do the trick.

Oh, that's not the treatment, this is.

- l think the machine broke. - That wasn't the machine!

l'm gonna be sick.

Daddy, l am so sorry, l was just trying to help.

lt's okay, Mile.

l know you had your heart set on putting that Mikayla in her place,

but there's no way l'm gonna be able to sit on a plane for five hours.

l guess you're right.

Unless we strap you to a surfboard and check you through baggage.

Why don't you just take him in a coffin?

At least they're padded.

That's a great idea.

We could get him a little portable DvD player,

time will just fly by. Perfect.

Ain't gonna happen.

Let's face it. You tried, Roxy tried.

Roxy, that's a great idea, Daddy, Roxy could take me.

No, no. No way, honey.

Why not? Roxy's taken me to plenty of concerts before.

Not all the way across the country.

Besides, let's face it. lf l'm not there with you,

that Mikayla's manager's gonna steamroll right over you.

Oh, come on, Dad, l can handle Mikayla and her manager.

And l'll have Roxy. Remember? ''Roxy like a puma.''

Honey, we can't. You're still just a kid.

But l'm your kid.

And you taught me how to stand up and fight for myself.

And l'll have Roxy.

Face it, Dad, it's all falling into place.

Not for me, it isn't.

Why not? You know l can do this. You can trust me.

- But that's not the point. - Then what is the point?

The point is you're not ready to do this on your own.

Yes, l am, Daddy, and you know it.

Come on, Dad, let me go. Please.

That's it, Mile, l don't want to talk about this any more.

That's not fair!

l don't have to be fair.

l'm the dad and l'm not letting you go.

Why are you treating me like such a baby?

Because you're acting like one.

- But, Dad! - No, Miley, not another word.

Fine. How about three?

l hate you.

Miley. Miley Ray!

Does this mean l'm your favourite kid now?

l'll take that as a yes.

l have never said anything like that to my dad before,

but he was just... He wasn't making any sense

and l got so mad!

l hate him for making me say l hate him.

This is terrible.

Now Mikayla's gonna have that stage all to herself.

Lilly, l'm upset enough.

The last thing l wanna think about is...

Mikayla coming at you with her new hit single lf Cupid Had a Heart.

Rico, could you turn that down?

- l'm sorry, is it bothering you? - Yeah.

Well, then this'll drive you crazy.

Speak of the she-devil. What is it, Mikayla?

Hannah, l heard you pulled out of the concert.

What happened? Did the big pop star get scared?

Listen, Micockroach.

One of my family members has a serious medical condition, okay?

Yeah, it's you. And it's called wimpotitis.

- That means you're a wimp. - l know what it means.

Oh, l can see the headlines now.

''Mikayla rocks while heartless Hannah hides from the homeless.''

The concert's for hunger relief.

Like l care.

Either way, l'm gonna steal all your fans

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Oh, yeah, there is. l'm gonna be there.

You are?

- You are? - Yes.

And you better wear something absorbant

'cause l'm gonna be wiping the stage with you.

That's right, l went there.

You can't go to Florida without your dad.

Watch me.

Wow.

By the time you read this,

Roxy and l will be on our way to Florida.

And when l come back,

l'll take whatever punishment you decide to give me

like the grown-up l'm trying to convince you l am.

PS: Don't blame Roxy, she doesn't know.

Dang flabbit, Jackson,

get down here and help me get out of this thing.

Come on, Dad. Not another sponge bath.

Haven't l done enough?

- Not until you get me to the airport. - Okay.

- Maybe we should change first. - Good idea.

Sorry for the delay, folks.

We'll be leaving the gate momentarily.

Thank you for your patience.

Warm cashews, cold shrimp, and complimentary slippers?

Time to let the dogs out.

Great. l'm glad you're enjoying the flight.

lt'll be a whole lot better once we take off.

Come on, flyboy, l could walk to Florida quicker than this.

Come on.

Sweetheart, could you keep it down? Someone just complained.

- Who? - Me. Now zip it. Thank you.

Channel 2 1 is all Barry White, all night.

Oh, baby, baby.

Flight attendants, please close the doors and prepare for take-off.

Yes!

Excuse me.

l'm looking for my daughter.

Sweet niblets.

l was just making sure all the carry-ons were stowed properly.

No need to thank me.

Sensible shoes. Good choice.

l really don't like you.

Please take your seat. Thank you.

Miley?

Mile?

Mile?

l was just visiting my grandkids in Palm Springs.

And you?

Pardon me, doll face, gotta make a pit stop.

Roxy?

Roxy.

Well, hello.

Robby Ray, what are you doing here?

- Oh, no, she didn't? - Oh, yeah, she did.

She bamboozled us both.

Yeah, well, your bam is easy to boozle.

You still don't know l sneak over to your house

and use your hot tub on the weekends.

What?

Enough of this chitchat, let's find that girl.

Hi. This bathroom's ocupado.

Sorry, doll face,

you know, you're really supposed to keep these closed.

l may shift during flight.

Oh, you gonna shift right now. Get out here.

Come on, Miley. Get that thing off your head. We're going home.

- But, Dad... - No ''but.'' Now.

Excuse me, ma'am, but we'd like to get off.

And l'd like a job where l don't have to smile all the time

no matter how annoyed l am.

Now, the doors are closed

and no one's getting off until our first stop in Denver.

So please take your seats.

- But... - l said ''please.''

Miley Stewart, l have never been so disappointed in you.

You think you're disappointed now,

wait until you see your snack box in coach.

Listen, kid...

You have a fantastic sense of rhythm. You must be very proud.

- Big dad? - Huge, with a Mohawk.

Gee, why would l want to hang out with my friends

when l can spend five hours being

kicked in the back by the Kangaroo Kid

and drooled on by Jabba the Gut.

Don't blame me, blame your sister.

Why? You're the one that wouldn't let her go in the first place.

Don't start with me, Son, she wasn't ready to go.

She wasn't ready, or you weren't?

- Excuse me? - Come on, Dad.

l mean, you raised us to believe

that we could do anything we set our minds to.

The whole time we were growing up you told us,

''l know you can do it. So get ready, get set, go.''

Why aren't you saying that now?

Oh, yeah, l can be deep.

Roxy, l really am sorry l lied to you.

Hush up, l'm not talking to you.

But if l was talking to you, l'd be saying,

''Don't apologise to me, apologise to your daddy,

''because he only does what he does because he loves you.''

l guess l should apologise, shouldn't l?

lf l was talking to you, l'd be saying...

l'd also say, ''While you're up,

get me some two percent. Roxy likes to dunk.''

- l was just... - Me, too.

Daddy, when l said l hated you, l was just...

l know.

Honey, sit down, l think we need to talk.

Oh, man, l was hoping we just said it all.

Not quite.

l think we both know what you did was wrong.

We can talk about that later.

Right now l have something l wanna give you.

A barf bag?

lt has a song on it. l just wrote it for you.

l know you didn't understand why l was acting the way l was acting.

l didn't understand it either.

Hopefully this will help explain.

She says things are falling in place Feels like they're falling apart

l'm painting this big old smile on my face to hide my broken heart

lf only she knew

But this is where l don't say what l want so bad to say

And this is where l want to

But l won't get in the way of her and her dreams

And spreading her wings

She's at the starting line of the rest of her life

As ready as she's ever been

Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes

The prize is hers to win

She's waiting on my blessings before she hits that open road

Well, baby, get ready

Get set, don't go

Darling,

no daddy ever wants to see his little girl grow up,

but every dad knows someday she has to.

When this plane lands in Denver,

l'm getting off and you're staying on and going to Florida.

Are you sure?

l've never been more sure of anything.

Besides, Hannah Montana don't need her daddy to hang around

to go down and show that Mikayla what she's made out of.

Oh, Dad.

- Sorry. - lt's okay. lt's a good kind of pain.

l'm gonna save this forever.

Oh, no, shrimp and cookies, bad combo.

lt's okay, l got it all in here.

l'm gonna need a bigger bag!

Lilly and l just watched the concert on Tv.

You were terrific.

And you blew Mikayla off the stage.

The important thing is, honey, you did a great thing for charity.

And you blew Mikayla off the stage.

Yeah, l guess Hannah did show her a thing or two.

And my daughter did the same for me.

l'm proud of you, darling.

And you blew Mikayla off the stage.

Hey, Jackson, your sister's on the phone. You wanna say hello?

Can't right now. Kind of busy.

So, trust me, Rico, couple of workouts on this bad boy

and you are gonna be Mr lrresistible.

l don't know,

it doesn't feel like it's doing anything.

Well, let me just turn it up for you a little bit.

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That was awesome.

Again! Jackson! Again, again!