Original subtitles

Dad, that's awesome, that is the best song

you've ever written. I can't wait to record it.

What's the bad news?

Bad news? What are you talking about? It's a great song.

Thank you, Lilly. You know, I've always liked her.

Don't change the subject.

Every time he has bad news he tries to soften it up with a great song.

"Best of Both Worlds," had to get braces.

"This Is The Life," Jackson decided not to go to sleep-away camp.

"Pumpin' Up The Party," my goldfish died.

When my goldfish died, my mom flushed it down the toilet.

I'll never forget her comforting words.

"Get over it, Oliver, it's a stinking fish."

That explains so much.

Come on, Dad, just tell me.

Trust me, I can handle it.

Your cousin Luann's coming to visit.

Who wants pie?

Miley?

Miley?

What kind of pie?

Come on, Mile.

Don't forget that wonderful, wonderful song

that I just wrote you, that you love so much.

Stand for what you believe in

Stand...

When does her broomstick land?

Come on now, Mile. Now let's don't start this again.

She's a good kid.

Let's not forget who pulled you out of that well when you were just six.

Let's not forget who pushed me in.

Hey, that was an accident.

Sometime kids do stuff without thinking.

Got it. Stupid fly.

I didn't plan that, but there you go.

I can't believe this.

Halloween is two days away and you're making me

share my bathroom with the Princess of Darkness?

If Luann's coming, I'm sleeping over at Lilly's.

Oh come on, Mile.

Now listen, you guys have grown up. She's grown, you've grown.

You're a lot alike.

How can you say that? I am nothing like that horrible, ugly witch.

Howdy, cuz!

Well, yee doggies! This is one humdinger of a shack!

Uncle Robby, Daddy said that these were your favorite Halloween cookies.

I made them myself.

Pecan crunchies! Sweet nutty niblets. Mm.

Hey, you churned your own butter, didn't you?

Is there any other way?

Whatever you do, don't eat that.

Why not?

Because it was made by the devil's little helper.

You are being ridiculous.

Lilly!

Oh, please. Next you're going to be saying she sees dead people.

You know,

it's amazing how much you and Miley look alike.

Always have. When we were young'uns, you know, before she was Hanner Montaner,

she was in the Little Miss Tater pageant,

but I had to take her place before the talent

part because she got all nervous and barfy.

I wasn't nervous; she slipped me some bad catfish.

She's always been jealous of me because I can sing and she can't.

What'd she do for the talent?

Su-ey!

Pig calls.

Su-su-su-su-ey!

Man, I miss Tennessee.

Boy, she cooks, she calls pigs.

Where have you been all my life?

Oh, you. Momma warned me about you handsome Californy fellers.

Oh, you... too.

Didn't you say you named your pet pig Luann?

Yep.

And now you know why.

Oh, this is pathetic.

Dad, every year we put up the same stupid decorations,

and all my friends laugh at us.

I don't know, I think these are pretty gruesome.

Look out, it's a spider!

It's in your hair!

It's crawling in your ear. It's on your shoulder. Boo.

Pathetic.

Could we at least get something halfway decent this year?

I mean, our Christmas decorations are scarier than this.

Hey, just because one of Santa's eyes fell out doesn't make him any less jolly.

This stuff scares six-year-olds.

It's not like we're gonna find something that scares us.

Stewart! Someone shoved your magazines through my mail slot.

Hmm, I'm guessing that would be the mailman.

What's with the Halloween decorations?

Or, should I say Halloweenie decorations?

Your winking Santa was scarier than this.

You know, I was hoping this year you'd be a little competition for me.

But I was wrong.

Dad, are you just gonna let him get away with that?

Don't worry about it, son, it's a holiday.

We're not going to get sucked into his little game.

Said the loser!

Don't go challenging me, Dontzig.

Oh, I'm a shaking.

Well, take it outside, I don't have earthquake insurance.

Save the jokes, Goldilocks.

You're going to need a sense of humor when all the kids see how

unscary your house is and they start pelting it with eggs.

Which would be an improvement over this paint job.

That's it, he's crossed the line. He insulted my hair.

Get in the car, son, we're going to put the "boo" in Malibu.

Yes!

It's gonna be a hair-raising experience.

I don't know why you're making such a big deal about your cousin.

Luann seems really nice.

Yeah, and a Venus flytrap seems like a pretty plant...

until it throws you down a well.

Trust me, underneath those little piggytails,

little tiny horns.

Okay, not to sound like your dad, but

"Maybe you should give her a chance, bud."

Now if you'll excuse me, I hear the ice cream truck a-ringin'

"and I want me a fudgie buddy."

Okay, that was creepy good.

Thank you. Now, would it kill you to open up a little

and at least try to be friends with her?

Hey, Traci's having that big Halloween party tomorrow night.

Why don't we take her with us?

No way,

I ain't letting that pig-calling, butter-churning,

evil-doing hayseed anywhere near the Hannah world.

Would you stop calling her names?

Well howdy, cuz, I found you this purty shell over by the tide pool.

Yeah, pretty.

A pretty good place to hide a poisonous hermit crab!

What are you doing?

I'm ruining your little plan to

poison me and throw me down a well again!

Miley, stop, there's nothing in there.

I was just trying to be nice to y'all.

See how clever she is?

She tricks me into accusing her of something

that she didn't do so I would look stupid.

Well, it worked. You look pretty stupid.

I told you, she's an evil genius.

Hey, Jackson.

Aw, man. It's not scary enough.

It needs something. But what?

Think.

Hey, Mile. What happened at the beach today with you and Luann?

She's up in the guest room and she's awful upset.

Well, it could have something to do with the

fact that I accused her of trying to kill me.

Yeah. That has been known to offend a person.

Do you really think I'm being unfair?

Yeah I do, bud.

But I also know you're awful good at fixing things when you put your mind to it.

Okay fine, I'll go talk to her.

That's my girl.

If I'm not down in ten minutes,

check all the local wells.

Luann, you okay?

Yep, just packing up my bags and working on my plan for world domination.

Okay, look, maybe...

possibly... it's conceivable that I haven't treated you completely fairly and

I wanted to say... I was sorry.

Really?

Yeah.

The truth is I always was a little jealous.

Well, I think it's time that we took the past and buried it.

Yeah, kind of like what we used to do with Aunt Pearl's roadkill ravioli.

Yeah, there was always gravel in mine.

Yeah, she said it gave it that special crunch.

Well, if you still want to stay, there's a really great

Hollywood Halloween party that I'd love to take you to.

You really want me to come with you'ins?

I really want you to come with... me'ins.

I'm touched.

Hey, the limo's here to take us to Traci's party.

Are you ready?

Oh, yeah. Let's do this.

Wait, where's Luann?

Oh, um, she can't go.

She was at the beach boogie boarding all day and got a really bad sunburn.

Ooh, I hate that. But at least you two are friends now.

Yep, best of pals. Let's go.

Oh, I-I forgot my purse. I'll meet you in the limo, okay.

Okay.

Miley, Miley, Miley. I can't believe you didn't see this coming.

Maybe if you wouldn't have wasted your time in singing classes and went to rodeo camp

with the rest of us, you wouldn't be stuck in this sitchiation.

What's that, girl?

You want Hanner to perform at the party? Good idea.

You've done got the best of both worlds.

Oh yeah. Horrible, ain't it? Wait until your fans hear that.

That'll do wonders for your career.

Happy Halloween, cuz.

Trick or treat!

Hey! Wait, kids, you forgot your candy!

Yes! There is no way that Dontzig's house is scarier than ours.

What is wrong with you?

You're supposed to hand out candy, not traumatize my kid.

I-I'm sorry. No, no, you don't understand. See, it's just that

we, um, uh, just trying to be as scary as the guy next door.

You mean Mr. Happy Pumpkin Man?

Who?

Hey, hey, kids. Yay. Oh, is mean, old Mr. Stewart scaring you?

Yes

I don't believe this.

Why would somebody want to scare little children?

It's sick.

I'm not surprised. At Christmas they put out a one-eyed Santa.

No!

It's true. I've seen it.

But-But it's Halloween. And you're in Mali-boo.

Come on, kids. Lets all go back to my house and

everyone can have another ride on the pony?

He's Mr. Happy Pumpkin Man Giving out candy like no one can

He's Mr. Happy Pumpkin Man

Well, Stewarts, you win.

You're the scariest and everybody in the neighborhood hates you.

I gotcha! I'm Mr. Happy Pumpkin Man

Wait up kids! I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, don't forget your candy!

Get away from our children!

I've got pepper spray!

Dad? Jackson?

Oliver, I need your mom to drive me to a Halloween party now!

Yes, you can come.

I can't believe Luann would tie you up and try to ruin your life.

You know, this is going to make my date tomorrow night with her a little awkward.

What are you gonna do when you see her?

I'm going to rip off her wig and punch her in the nose.

Right now, just help me find her.

Its not gonna be that hard.

Come on, she's going to be the only one in there that looks exactly like me.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, um, this is going to be a little harder than I thought.

Ooh-wee, these gummy ghouls are better than Pappy's mountain taffy!

Man, you've been hanging around your cousin so much you're starting to talk like her.

Stop loading up on candy. People are watching.

Well, of course they are, I'm a cee-lebrity.

Hannah! You've been here an

hour and you haven't said a word about

my little Hannahween surprise.

Oh, you mean everyone dressed like me?

Yeah, it's about as stupid as a vegetarian having breakfast at the Beef n' Waffle.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about stupid.

Just like your stupid little voice.

What's the matter, you got some candy corn stuck up in your nozzle?

I have a deviated septum.

And I own it.

What is wrong with you?

You've been acting weird since we got here.

It's like you want the whole party to hate you and... Oh my gosh, you're Luann.

Well, it took you long enough, Lulu.

It's Lola.

Lilly, Lola, Lulu, you might as well go by "Purple Head."

What do you use for conditioner, grape jelly?

Hey, waiter! Fetch me some peanut butter, I'd like to make me a sammich.

I got to get you out of here before you blow Miley's secret.

Well, shut my mouth, I wasn't even thinking about pulling this wig off..

Until you done brought it up.

That'll really fix her wagon. Good job, gumdrop.

I had a dream like this once.

Except the room was full of Jessica Simpsons

and I had more than one chest hair.

Focus.

We have to find the real fake Hannah.

Ha! I got you!

I'm not going to let you ruin my best friend's life.

I am your best friend.

You can't fool me with that fake Miley accent.

I am Miley! I have to go find Luann!

You're not going anywhere without your nose.

Lilly, Lilly, she's telling the truth.

Oliver? What are you doing here?

I needed his mom to drive me here because you and Luann rode off in my limo!

Miley?

You think?

Sorry. We've got to find her quick, she's about

to rip off her wig and blow your secret.

She wouldn't!

She would. And she…thought of it all herself.

Remember no matter what she says, she's evil.

Looking for Hannah.

Not you.

Not you. But, hi.

Not you. But, girl, aren't you styling.

Hey, folks, it's me, the real Hannah Montana!

I've got a little announcement for ya'll.

You guys might want to get out your fancy Hollywood phone cameras for this one.

Hey guys I found her! She's on stage!

Good work.

Hold on guys, I got a little something stuck in my craw.

Bingo!

Well, she's going to have a real hard time spitting with my fist in her mouth.

You can't.

If you get into something with her she might rip off your wig too.

Have no fear, ladies; the masked musketeer has a plan.

Great. My life is in the hands of Count Chesthair.

So, uh, lookie here, ya'll are about to see something you never expected to see.

The other side, the other side, the other side of...

What happened? Come on.

Ooh, look at that. Magic. And spitting. Neat.

Why don't we have dessert now? Bring out the Hannah Banana crème pie!

You are so busted, Luann.

Guys, you grabbed the wrong one in the dark! I'm Miley!

Nice try, you backwoods witch.

These are my best friends. They're not gonna fall for that. Tell her.

You got any idea?

Not a clue.

Guys, we have got to get her out of here

before she reveals my secret!

You mean my secret!

Wait a minute. I have an idea.

I know how to tell which is the real Miley. Both of you kiss me.

Okay.

Ew.

That's Miley.

And what has all this taught you?

That parents should believe their kids when they tell them their cousins are evil.

And?

That I should always take my cell phone

when I leave the house in case my daughter gets tied up in her closet.

And?

I'm sorry.

But you don't have to worry about it much longer,

your uncle's on his way here to pick Luann up. They'll be gone tomorrow.

That doesn't give me much time to get her back.

Like I've always told you, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Stewart! Stewart, you got to help me.

Those candy grabbers are like piranha!

They're coming by the busload! It's like someone put an ad in the paper.

The paper? Well, that's way too slow.

If somebody wanted to get information out fast, they'd

just run down Pacific Coast Highway with a bullhorn.

You didn't.

Oh yes I did.

Okay kids come on down, Don't be shy.

Curse you, Stewart! Curse you!

Dad, what about revenge making the whole world blind?

I was teaching that to you. It's too late for me.

Hey, Dad, Dontzig's pony followed me home. Can we keep him?

Please? All I need is a really big litter box.

I'm just gonna take him up to my room, okay?

Hey, Miley, tell your cousin her daddy's here!

Put your drawers on Robby Ray, your brother's here!

Good to see you, too, Bobby Ray.

Whoo-wee. Well, smack my goat and call me stupid,

this sure is one humdinger of a shack you got yourself.

Stewart! I need that pony back, it's a rental.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Two Stewarts!

Is that that pain in the keister neighbor you been telling me about?

Yep.

He sure runs fast, don't he?

He sure does.

Whee doggies!