Original subtitles

We're going to miss you, Principal Fisher. I can't believe

you're retiring. You don't look a day over eighty.

Lilly, he's only sixty-five!

Really! Is he sick.

He will be after he sees this.

Let's see what farewell words Dandruff Danny has for Principal Fisher.

One second, let me fix my hair.

This is gonna take a while.

Uh, I was just kidding about before, sir. It's not

that you're old; it's just that you remind me of my dead grandfather.

But he didn't die from old age.

He got hit by a school bus. Ironic, isn't it?

Uh, Principal Fisher!

Now, Oken, I hope this is not some sort of video farewell for a beloved

retiring Principal.

Hey.

All right, you girls, hold it right there!

I want to do mine over again.

We'll clean it up in editing.

Miley.

Miley?

Miley.

Move over girls. Listen, Jake,

and listen good. There's only one dame

in the world that's right for a guy like you and you're looking at her.

What took you so long, baby?

Traffic. Now plant one on me and make me remember why I waste my time with you.

Miley! Miley!

What?

You were dreaming about Jake again, weren't you?

No, I wasn't. Why would you say that? I'm so over him.

Hey, Miley.

I'm over you, okay? Move on with your life!

I was just gonna tell her her shoe's untied.

Whoa!

And I can't sing this anymore.

I mean, it's not like

girls just stand around

dreaming about boys all day.

You okay, darling?

Of course, I'm fine. It's just

there's other more important

things in life, like world peace, and...

whales.

Why can't we do a song about whales?

And not stupid boy whales.

Girl whales. Happy, independent girl whales.

I'll get right on it, darling.

Girl whales, doing their

nails, don't need no males. Practically writes itself.

Daddy, I'm not saying that's exactly the song.

I'm open to other fish too. Can I take a break?

I think that's a good idea.

Besides, there's somebody here who wants to see you.

Dad, I'm not in the mood to see anybody right now.

Well, fine.

If you don't want to see me, I'll just turn

the bus around and head on back to Nashville. Look at

you. My goodness. You are sprouting like a rosebush after

a month of rain, only not as wet and twice as pretty.

Whoo doggies, I like that.

I might use that in a song.

Well, fine. First one's free, next one you share profits with me.

Come in here, sweet pea, I got a story to tell you about this possum

and a skunk that were sharing a pew at church.

Okay, what's his name?

What are you talking about?

I am talking about my goddaughter crushing over some boy

harder than a monster truck driving over a little clown car.

Monster trucks, clown cars. Whoo,

I've miss you, Aunt Dolly.

You're funny. But, you know, we're thinking about getting a dog.

Really? Well, you might want to think about naming

him Zippy, because zip is what I'm getting from you.

Listen, sweet pea,

when you decide you want to talk

about this boy…that don't exist,

you know I'm here you.

And I'm here, too, bud.

Robby Ray, you nosy hillbilly!

Hey. I'm not listening;

I just wanted you to know I'm here. And

I'm not a nosy hillbilly; I'm a concerned hillbilly father.

Morning, Dolly.

Hey.

Whoa, looks like my home's been invaded by aliens from the planet Froufrou.

Robby Stewart, you keep making fun of my

decorating, I'm gonna have to tell your kids how

you used to run around in a diaper and little

black boots saying, "Hello, I'm Johnny Cash."

Come to think of it, I love what you've done with the place.

Hey, good. Would you just say that to the folks back home? And

while you're at it, would you please tell Uncle Zeke to get rid

of that awful mullet combover.

Lord knows how that man can take

one hair; wrap it completely around his head and down his back.

It's called a skullet and it ain't that bad.

Well, you ain't seen him floss with it.

Ready?

Hey, everybody. Hey, Uncle Zeke, you might want to treat yourself

to a haircut, and get you a toothpick. I'm going for a jog.

Okay.

Oh man. This is not good.

Oh, what's the matter with you?

Aunt Dolly, I smell like a petunia.

What did you wash this stuff in?

Well, just a little fabric softener and a whole lot of love.

You got anything to say to the folks back home?

Well sure.

Hey, everybody, when the guys get a

whiff of me I'm gonna get beat up today! Bye.

Well, at least you got a look at him before that happens. So,

let's go check on Miley and see what she's up to. Come on.

Well, that was just beautiful, sweet pea.

I can't wait to hear you sing it when there really is a boy.

His name is Jake. Jake Ryan.

The zombie slayer? "Dude, I slayed you once, don't"

make me slay you again."

That boy is too cute.

I know. He goes to my school. And sometimes he can be really obnoxious,

but then he gets really sweet and-and then he gets all obnoxious again.

That reminds me; I got to call my husband.

Aunt Dolly! Puberty crisis here.

Darling, I am so sorry.

I just forget sometimes.

Being a teenage girl

is harder than walking through a balloon shop with a porcupine purse.

I don't know what to do, Aunt Dolly?

Jake said he likes me

because I'm the only girl at school who's not falling all over

him. And if I tell him that I like him, then I am falling all

over him. I'm caught between a rock and a zombie slayer here!

Well, honey, nobody knows what's around the corner. But I know one thing:

if you keep

yourself out of the game for fear of losing,

there is no way on this earth you're gonna win.

So, you're saying that I should just walk up to Jake

and say, "Jake Ryan, I'm through pretending that I"

don't like you, when the truth is... I'm totally in

"love with you!"

Wait a minute. Is this thing on?

Oh, good golly, miss Dolly.

You know what? I am forever

leaving this thing on. Last Christmas, I got four hours of

the dog chewing the head off the Little Drummer Boy. Poor

little old Rufus was chucking up body parts for a week.

Uh, Aunt Dolly, I think your hair's ringing.

Well, honey, when your pants are as tight as mine you've

got to have somewhere to put your phone.

Hey, sweetie,

I was just talking about you.

Rufus ate what? No.

I'll be right back.

He did? The one out on the patio?

Miles, I got to get this video in today and

you're the only one who hasn't said good-bye

to Principal Fisher. So take your time, think

of something really good. And, action!

Okay.

Bye.

Perfect! Ooh, muffins.

Bye. Why didn't I do that? "A day over eighty." What was I thinking?

Oh, that's my mom. I have to get to school early

so I can turn this thing into the editor.

Oliver, let's go!

I thought you said that was your mom.

It is.

When she's mad she uses her man voice.

Move, move, move!

Wait a minute. I thought he took his camera.

Oh, that's Aunt Dolly's.

Funny. It looks a lot like Oliver's.

Yeah, but Aunt Dolly's has her initial on it. See?

Where's the D?

Where's the rhinestone D?

Miley. It's just a camera. What's the big deal?

That camera has a tape of me saying, "Jake Ryan, I'm totally in love with you!"

Whoa!

I know.

Hey, Jake.

'Sup?

Quick, Oliver, you took the wrong camera! Give it back.

Sorry, here.

Thanks. Where's the tape?

I gave it to the editor.

Who's the editor?

Jake.

Jake... who?

Ow, ow, ow,

thanks a lot. You ripped out my only chest hair.

So I gave Jake the tape. Just go ask for it back.

I can't believe I have to do this.

Jake, can we have our tape back?

Please. I looked great. She looked terrible.

Better than you!

Keep dreaming!

Uh, Jake?

Um, one second. Guys, if I let you redo your tape

then everyone's gonna want to do the same thing.

I'm sorry, but nobody gets their tapes back under

any circumstances.

So, uh, Miley, what's going on?

Um, I just wanted to tell you that...

I know another guy named Jake Ryan.

So if you ever hear me

talking about Jake Ryan, I'm talking about the other.

Jake Ryan. Not you, Jake. Other Jake. Bye-bye.

You're dead to me.

Dad, I don't know why, but I have this funny

feeling that Aunt Dolly replaced my shampoo.

Whoa!

Well, join the club, son.

Looks like we've been volumized and Dolly-sized.

I can't take this anymore, Dad. Between the-the

shampoo and the-and the smelly tissues, and

the-and the-the potpourri, and all these flowers.

I mean, I'm losing my manly essence!

There's only one thing we can do, son.

Let's go to the gym and fight

back with the only thing she can't take from us,

our man stink.

Uh, Dad, can we maybe do it tomorrow? Aunt Dolly

buffed my nails and I don't want to ruin them.

Do you hear yourself, son?

Oh no, get me to the gym fast!

We've got to figure out something, Lilly. Jake's

probably laughing at that tape right now.

I know, this is awful, this is horrible, this is...

so cute! Can I borrow it?

Put that away, Lilly, I've got something else for you girls to wear.

Thanks, Aunt Dolly, but clothes aren't going to help me now.

Oh, these will.

I got you girls into this mess, and I'm going to get you out. If that

boy won't give the tape back, we're going in after it,

undercover.

Ooh, I like the way she thinks!

And I love the way she accessorizes!

These boots are made for sneaking.

Girls, I don't just rock, I roll.

Okay, let's just focus on the plan. Aunt Dolly and I go into the edit

room. Lilly, you stand watch. We get the tape and we're out of here.

Okay.

It's locked!

Not for long. These nails ain't just for scratching.

Like a charm. I haven't carried a house key in years.

Okay, people, let's git-r-done!

Lilly, less squeaky, more sneaky.

Sorry.

Oh no he's in there.

What do we do?

I'm sorry, honey. Mind if I clean up in here? Well, it don't

matter because I'm gonna clean up anyhow, so don't sass me, boy.

No problem.

Oh, one sec. Since you're here I might as well, uh, toss this.

Oh wait! Don't you want to finish that? You're a growing boy.

Nah. I eat too much of this junk anyway.

Uh, can't let you do that. Union rules.

I'll take care of it.

I'll just toss it into the left of the trash can.

Whoa, what the heck is in there?

Well, I guess that dead lab frog still has a little hop left in him.

Sweet niblets, you are Jake Ryan! You are Jake, aren't you?

Yes.

You're as cute as they said. Can I have your autograph?

Oh, sure.

It's really for my goddaughter. I mean, she just loves you. Really she loves you.

That's that dang frog again.

Hey, what happened to all my tapes?

Hey, didn't you say that very line in the famous lost zombie tape episode?

Yeah. Some of my finest work.

Well, I have heard about you. I've heard you do some great stuff. And

you are as cute as they say. Well, got to go, while the getting's good.

Oh, uh, one more thing.

Shake in the hole!

Did you get it?

Oh, I got it. I got it good.

Strawberry.

Oh, my favorite.

Breathe that in, son.

That's the sweet stench of independence, freedom, and manly pride.

I hear you, Daddy.

Oh! My eyes are burning, my eyes.

I'm so ranky I taste my own stanky.

I can't stand it. I-I'm taking a shower and I'm using Aunt.

Dolly's peach body wash with exfoliating loofa glove.

Well, you loofa all you want to, I'm gonna take a bubble

bath with one of her citrus fizzy balls. Maybe two.

What are you so upset about? You got your tape back.

I know I should be happy, but I'm not.

Well, I mean, it makes sense. You're right back

where you're started, secretly crushing on Jake.

If I were you, I would've listened to your Aunt Dolly and just tell him how you feel.

Why didn't you tell me that yesterday?

Because I wanted to wear the cool black outfit.

Okay, I'm just going to do it. I'm gonna tell him the truth.

You know, he

might think I'm falling all over him, but at least he'll know how I feel.

And maybe he'll feel the same way.

Yeah you're right. It's worth the risk. I'll never know unless I try.

Yeah.

Here I go.

Hey, Jake.

Hey, Miley.

Listen, I have something to tell you and it's...

Hi, Jakey.

Hey, Rach. Oh, Miley, uh, you know Rachel, right? From Spanish class?

Oh, sure. Hi, Rachel.

Yeah, we're kind of going out now.

Isn't that great?

Yeah. Really great.

Uh, so, uh, what was it that you wanted to tell me?

Nothing. It's not important anymore.

All right, well,

uh, see ya around.

Yeah, see you around.

He loves me not. Still not loving me.

Too busy loving Rachel.

And he still ain't loving me, and now he's not

living me anymore and now I need more petals.

You got any ideas what we're gonna do about this?

Have you ever known me not to have an idea?

Just follow my lead.

So, Robby, do you remember when you were trying to get up the

courage to ask Miley's mom out and she just turned you down flat?

Yep. She said she was already dating somebody else.

And do you remember what I told you?

Yep. You said, next time you're gonna ask a girl

out, don't wash your truck, wash your hair.

I mean after that.

Yep.

You said the only way to not be in the game,

is if you take yourself out of the game.

Guys, I know what you all are trying to do, but let's face it,

I waited too long. I blew it. Game over.

Robby, is this the same girl who came to me and said,

"I want to be a singer" and I said, "Sweet pea, the

"chances of that happening are one in a million" and

she said, "I want to be that one".

Where's that girl?

She's right here.

Well, if you hadn't taken that risk, you never

would've become Hannah Montana, now would you?

No.

So...

So if I want something bad enough, I should get off my butt and fight for it.

That's right. That reminds me of a song by my favorite teen pop star.

Who said?

Have you been using my citrus fizzy balls?

No, ma'am. But I did use your apricot scrub.

You know, Aunt Dolly, I kind of modeled Hannah Montana's look after you.

Really? I thought I was missing a wig!

Don't make me smile. I'm cracking.

You know, this avocado mask tastes ten times better than the mango scrub.

You know Rufus ate a whole bowl of that mango scrub once. For a whole

week, that little dog smelled like a tropical breeze coming and going.

Cool. Can't wait.