Original subtitles

Mama, this is going to be your best cake ever!

Oh, I hope so.

I'm trying out a new recipe,

called 'Arsenic and Old Lace.'

I'm sure it'll be completely inedible!

[ SMACKS his HAND away from CAKE ]

And, don't worry.

It'll be ready by midnight.

Ahh, for our traditional celebration of the very hour my querida was born!

Gomez, I think we have a little problem with Morticia's surprise party.

She hasn't found out, has she!?

Oh no, nothing like that.

I just got off the phone with the petting zoo.

It seems that they think 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' is cruelty to animals.

Oh, well.

I guess we'll just have to play Electrical Chairs.

Alright.

Who wants to lick the machete?

I do, I do!

I do, I do!

Heyy, I said it first!

Heyy, I said it first!

I did!

I did!

[ GOMEZ and FESTER start SLAP-FIGHTING ]

Oh look, there's Morticia!

[ FESTER licks CAKE-COVERED KNIFE ]

[ FESTER STARTS to GLOW GREEN ]

[ FESTER lets out GIANT, HOUSE-SHAKING, BELCH ]

[ SOMETHING FALLS OFF WALL, HITS FESTER in BACK of HEAD ]

[ CHAINS CRASH TO FLOOR ]

Not bad.

But could use a little more kick.

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

[ GOMEZ POINTING to DIAGRAMs on BLACKBOARD with STICK ] We'll have the quicksand here,

the hot coals here,

and the torture chamber will go over here.

How's that coming along, Wednesday?

Fine, Father.

[ PUGSLEY, wrapped in BANDAGES, and wearing a NECK BRACE ]

We're experimenting with a variety of torture techniques.

Aren't we, Pugsley?

Yes.

[ SHE PINCHES HIM ]

Ow!

Well done, children!

Come, Pugsley.

We have a few minor adjustments to make.

And I've made an extra large batch, of acid punch,

guaranteed to strip the tarnish from anyone's stomach!

Mmmn~!

This is gonna be a great party!

It certainly is.

We mobilize at midnight.

How are we doing on the fireworks front, Fester?

A-OK, Cap'n! [ SALUTES ]

[ CHECKS ITEMS off on CLIPBOARD ] We have seven kilos of TNT,

12 gallons of nitroglycerin,

94 barrels of gunpowder,

1,000 sticks of dynamite,

400 grenades,

200 sparklers,

bombs,

[ FBI truck idles outside HOUSE ]

a six pack saddle,

snake venom,

six torpedo,

[ FBI agents LISTENING in on FESTER ]

500 rocket launchers,

6,000 ...

You were right, Warren.

It's definitely a terrorist ring.

Yes, and a heartless ring at that.

Why, they have the audacity to call their little terrorist plot, a "party"!

There's only one thing to do.

I couldn't agree more.

Let's order Chinese... [ SKIMMING TAKE-OUT MENU ]

[ SLAPS HIS ARM ]

Don't you think we should report these activities to FBI headquarters, first?

Wait.

Does "mushu" sound good?

[ MORTICIA, SKULKING around HOUSE... ]

[ PLACES CUP against DOOR to EAVESDROP ]

There's two tons of explosives.

A cruise missile.

300 smart bombs...

[ 'MORTICIA ALERT' SOUNDS ]

Uh-oh.

Quick!

Hide the evidence!

[ ACTIVATES REVOLVING DOOR ]

[ MORTICIA DESCENDS STAIRS ]

So it's all settled then!

We'll go spelunking.

Good idea.

It'll give me a chance to use this new bulb.

And I'll, um, help Wednesday...

... catch some new spiders for her collection!

[ GOMEZ PRETENDS to JUST NOTICE MORTICIA ]

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I didn't see you there.

And we were just making plans to, uh,

go exploring caves with the children, at midnight.

This midnight?

Why not?

It's not as though we have anything else planned.

[ WINKS at FESTER and GRANDMAMA ]

[ MORTICIA looks DISAPPOINTED ]

[ EXECUTIONER ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF ! ]

[ FESTER, TYPING FURIOUSLY on COMPUTER, SCREEN SAYS: 'Kablast' ]

Ah, there you are, Fester.

Ordering from kablast.com again?

Yeah.

I didn't think the 10,000 blasting caps was enough.

So I ordered another two dozen...

... thousand!

Better unsafe than sorry!

Are you sure that Morticia doesn't suspect anything?

Of course not.

I happen to be the Master of Deception~

Ahhhh, there you are, Gomez! [MORTICIA WALKS IN ]

You wouldn't happen to know if Black's Fifth Avenue has a website?

They have such wonderful gifts. [ RAISES EYEBROWS HINTINGLY ]

Really?

I had no idea.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm busy helping Fester with his...

... homework!

Homework?

Homework?

I mean, uh, uh, uh, hey!

Look what I can do!

[ GOMEZ does some BACKFLIPs ]

... Tadaaaa~!

There's something strange going on around here...

I like it.

[ FBI agent LOWERS listening device ]

Aaron.

He just ordered another 24,000 blasting caps.

I have to do something before someone gets hurt.

I'm...

... going in.

Gomez must be hiding my birthday present, somewhere....

[ MORTICIA searching FIREPLACE ]

[ LURCH, CHECKING what she's DOING ]

Huh?

Oh!

Oh.

Lurch, you startled me.

Thank you.

[ LURCH NODS ]

By the way, I was wondering,

does Gomez have anything planned for... midnight?

[ EYEBROWs SHIFTY ]

[ GRUNTS WORRIEDLY ]

No...

... Really?

Nothing at all?

[ EYEBROWS SHIFTY AGAIN ]

[ FOGHORN DOORBELL RINGS ]

I'll get it.

Oh.

Oh, dear...

Is it possible Gomez truly has forgotten my birthday?

[ LURCH OPENS DOOR ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ AGENT in CAMOUFLAGE and TWIGS on HAT, ENTERS with box labelled 'FRAGILE' ]

Frank Warren.

I have a package for Fester Addams.

Some explosive merchandise.

Follow me.

[ CLOSES DOOR ]

[ LURCH LEADS him DOWN the STAIRS ]

[ ABOUT TO TAKE HIS HAT... ]

Nobody touches the helmet!

Big guy.

[ HIDDEN CAMERA in TWIGS, SCANNING HOUSE... ]

[ COUGHS ]

Alright.

Let's see what we have here.

[ COUGHS ]

[ WATCHING CAMERA ]

Going down?

[ RESCREWS CAP on 'CHILDREN'S COUGH SYRUP' BOTTLE ]

[ THING, BALANCING on DIAL in ELEVATOR ]

[ THING makes an 'OK' gesture ]

"Children strength", my eye.

[ SETS DOWN BOTTLE ]

Hey, Gomez.

What do you think of these party favours?

[ THROWS SHURIKEN ]

[ GOMEZ CATCHES it IN MOUTH ]

A little tame, don't you think?

Here, Fester, you give it a try.

[ THROWS SHURIKEN BACK... ]

[ FESTER DUCKS ]

[ SHURIKEN lands EMBEDDED IN WOOD COLUMN next to FBI AGENT ]

Delivery.

Frank Warren,

kablast.com.

We wanted to deliver your package personally,

out of gratitude for your frequent purchases.

[ HANDS box of EXPLOSIVES over ]

Wow!

Now that's what I call service!

Mr Addams?

I've heard about your little... party.

And I want in.

Excellent!

What can you do?

I'm an explosives expert.

Terrific!

The more the scarier.

Not so fast, Gomez.

How do we know you're really an expert?

Perhaps...

... this, [ WHIPs OUT EXPLOSIVE ]

will convince you.

[ HANDS it to FESTER ]

Ooh.

Plastic explosive... !

[ SMELLS IT ]

Excellent vintage.

[ OPENS the PACKAGING ]

[ FLINGS the REST over SHOULDER ]

Let's see how it works.

Ooh... !

[ DROPS powder into BOWLING BALL ]

[ THROWS BOWLING BALL... ]

[ HITS PINS, EXPLODES! ]

Well, Fester, what d'you think?

Welcome to the team. [ SHAKES HAND ]

[ HOLDS BOWLING PIN like a TROPHY ]

[ FAINTS, CRASHES TO FLOOR ]

[ JARS LITTER TABLE... 'MAD COW SERUM', 'ANTHRAX', etc... ]

[ PICKS up JAR of CYANIDE ]

[ DROPS in INGREDIENTS, as she LISTS them ]

A pinch of cyanide.

A dash of anthrax.

And one... drop...

... of Mad Cow Serum.

What's this for?

For the party? What else?

What are you going to do? Poison the water supply?

[ LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY ]

Among other things. [DROPS in another INGREDIENT ]

[ UNDERCOVER FBI AGENT reaches into STEAMING CAULDRON ]

[ a TENTACLE emerges and GRABS his ARM ]

[ SCREAMING IN ALARM ]

[ GRANNY wacks TENTACLE with a LADLE ]

Get back in there!

You're not done, yet!

Wednesday, what are you giving Mother for her birthday?

[ PICKS up BRONZED SHOES with TONGS from BOILING POT ]

Cool.

You're bronzing your baby shoes.

Actually, I was thinking of bronzing something bigger.

... How big?

About...

... five feet.

[ ADVANCES on PUGSLEY ]

Whew.

Good thing I'm only four foot eleven... [ BACKING AWAY from WEDNESDAY ]

I can work with that.

Ahhh, Wednesday... !

I don't think this is such a good idea.

[ PUGSLEY tied to TORTURING RACK, LIMBS being PULLED ]

[ PUGSLEY SCREAMING in PAIN ]

[ FOOTAGE from FBI VAN ]

Oooh, that's got to hurt.

"Stop struggling!"

"But I don't wanna be Mother's birthday present!"

"It'll be from both of us."

[ WAILING in PAIN ]

Now hold still, or we won't be finished in time.

That's some technique you've got there.

And you are... ?

I'm a... friend of your Uncle's.

Uncle Fester doesn't have any friends.

That are alive.

Well, I'm here to help him with... the party.

So, uh...

Where's it at?

It's out... ! ... side... ! [WEDNESDAY tightens RESTRAINTS ]

Please excuse my brother.

He's been stretching himself a bit thin, lately.

[ TIGHTENS EVEN MORE ] [ PUGSLEY GROANS in PAIN ]

Wednesday, am I five feet, yet??

[ SPRAYING DROOPING FLOWERs ]

♪ ROMANTIC MUSIC ♪

[ MORTICIA BLINKING SLOWLY, as FBI AGENT STARES at HER ]

Why, she's... breathtaking.

Hello.

I'm Morticia Addams.

Wank Fard. Uh... [ REMOVES TWIG-COVERED HELMET ]

Frank Ward.

Fester's friend. [ STICKS out HAND to SHAKE ]

Pleasure to meet you, Mr Warren.

Your hand.

So cold and... clammy.

Oh, my! Aren't you a charmer! [ SMACKS his SHOULDER ]

Her eyes.

So dark.

Please, do sit down.

Why... thank you.

[ SITS DOWN ]

[ MORTICIA sits NEXT to HIM ]

It's hard to believe anyone so sweet...

... and innocent.

Could be involved.

Involved?

Involved in what?

Mr Warren, is there something going on I don't know about?

It's better you don't know about their nefarious criminal den.

Ooh, then they are planning something.

Yes.

Some kind of... [ SCREAMS, CHAIR suddenly YANKED BACK ]

... aaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Oof.

[ PUTS HELMET back ON ]

Warren!

What do you think you're doing?

Talking to that dark, mysterious woman. [ CROSSES ARMS ]

You mean Gomez's dark, mysterious wife?

Your wife?

Yes.

And she knows nothing of the party.

We've kept her completely in the dark.

That's why she's so pale.

If she were to discover what we're up to,

all our plans will be ruined!

You do know how to keep a secret, don't you, Warren?!

[ MIMES ZIPPING MOUTH SHUT ]

[ WARREN SNEAKS DOWN STAIRS ]

[ HOPS over LANDING ]

[ AGENT in SURVEILLANCE VAN over COMs ] What are you doing?

Get out of there!

It's not safe!

[ REMOVES HELMET ]

Frog One.

This is That Bull.

Come in.

Hey, Warren. Just a second.

[ TURNS back to HORROR MOVIE on OTHER SCREEN ]

[ to SCREEN ] Run away!

Get the heck outta there... !

He's right behind you!

[ COVERS FACE with HANDS ]

[ SLOWLY UNCOVERS EYES ]

[ FEMALE PROTAGONIST SCREAMS ]

Told you so. [ SHUTS OFF MOVIE ]

Yeah, Warren, what is it?

I'm in love.

With one of the terrorists?

She's the only one who's not involved.

But the rest of the family, whoa.

[ SPLUTTERS ] I know, I saw the little torture girl.

These people are plotting something,

and it's bigger than we imagined.

You want me to call for backup?

I don't have all the information yet.

As soon as I get all the details,

I'll get back to ya.

Alright.

I'm here if you need me.

[ HANGS up RECEIVER ]

[ TOY TRAIN CHUGGING on TRACKS ]

[ WARREN WALKS IN ]

Ahh, Warren. You're just in time!

We want to show you something.

[ PULLS DETONATOR ]

[ TOY TRAIN CRASHES AND EXPLODES! ]

[ SMOKE EVERYWHERE ]

[ COUGHS from FUMES ]

Is this for the party?

Are you kidding?

We're bringing out the big guns for that.

Are we on schedule? [ GOMEZ checks POCKETWATCH ]

Everything's ready for midnight.

The only thing we haven't figured out is

how we're going to handle Morticia.

[ PUFFS CIGAR ]

I know.

Why don't we let Warren take care of her?

Capital idea!

What do you say, Warren? Are you up for the job?

Take care of Morticia?

I... couldn't do that.

Come on, Warren, old man. You're perfect.

She'll never suspect it coming from you.

You just get her out into the cemetery and BAM!

We'll take care of the rest.

Mr. Addams,

you're asking me to lead a lamb to the slaughter.

A sweet, beautiful lamb.

Exactly.

Tish'll never know what hit her.

[ FESTER and GOMEZ NOD ]

I must save her.

But how?

[ MORTICIA ENTERS ]

Hello. [ RECORD SCRATCH NOISE ]

[ CLUTCHING a CLEAVER and BUNNY in HAND ] My goodness, you look like you've seen a ghost.

Probably Aunt Minerva.

Listen.

You have to get out of here.

Away from these... people.

Why would I leave my family?

Morticia.

There's something about your so-called family.

You have to know.

They mean to do you harm.

Grave, bodily harm.

Oh, they did find my gift list.

Please tell me, what else are they planning??

Perhaps a little mice cream and cake?

This is serious.

It's not like they're throwing you a birthday party.

... They're not?

I have to take care of some things. I'll... come back for you.

[ LEAVES ROOM ]

Oh, Gomez...

How could you forget?

Simon.

This is Garfunkel.

I... don't have all the details yet.

But I believe they're gonna do in the woman of the house.

And, oh...

What a woman!

[ GOMEZ and FESTER, HEADS sticking out of PEEP HOLES ]

Hey, look, it's Warren!

And he's talking into his helmet!

[ BACK OUT of PEEPHOLES ]

I'll take Morticia to a safe place.

I'll tell her everything.

And then the surprise will be...

... on them.

[ DOOR OPENS BEHIND HIM ]

[ FESTER and GOMEZ, SURROUND HIM ]

Warren,

we thought you were on our side!

Your helmet cam, please! [ TAKES HELMET from HIM ]

[ AGENT in SURVEILLANCE VAN ] Oh, boy.

What do I do now? [ CLUTCHES TOY DINOSAUR ]

I've got to check the manual. [ KISSES TOY, SETS IT DOWN ]

"Warren, you're about to find out what we do to traitors."

[ GLASS CRACKS ]

Sorry.

[ BREATHES on CAMERA GLASS ]

I say we hang the snitch by his toes,

fill his socks full of sand,

and beat him senseless with a rusty waffle iron... !

Now, Fester, I'm sure Warren will be happy to tell us his very good reasons, for sabotaging our plans.

If we just ask him nicely.

Oh, right.

[ FLIPs ELECTRIC CHAIR LEVER ]

[ WARREN SCREAMS as he is ELECTROCUTED ]

Alright, alright.

I, I couldn't do it.

I couldn't bring myself to turn her over to you.

You, you scoundrels!

Why didn't you say so?

[ PULLS GONG LEVER ]

No, God... !

Help... !

[ WHIMPERING ]

You rang?

Lurch, would you please escort Mrs Addams to the cemetery, at midnight?

Oh, no! Oh!

I, I'll do it!

Don't, don't, don't turn her over to this monster... !

[ SOBBING ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ ON THE PHONE ]

Dispatch.

This is Special Agent Halloran.

I need a SWAT team at 1313 Cemetery Lane, right away!

Sorry, wrong number.

[ HANGS UP ]

[ DIALLING... ]

[ GOMEZ dressing like a COWBOY ]

Gomez!

What are you getting dressed up for?

Uh, dressed up, what do you mean?

Why, you're wearing your good hat.

Oh, oh, that, why, uh, I...

I'm getting, uh, ready for a very special occasion.

[ LASSOs ROPE around MORTICIA ]

[ TWIRLS her TOWARDS him ]

Ooh. You do remember, darling!

Of course!

It's "Guess the Theme" Night at the Model Railroad Club.

I better get going.

I don't want to miss the hanging.

Oh, one more thing.

Yes?

Mr Warren was hoping you'd show him your nocturnal man-eating plants in the cemetery.

Mr Warren?

Yes, he'll meet you in the foyer just before midnight.

Don't you want to see me at midnight?

Why?

I see you every night.

[ TURNS TO LEAVE ]

[ LASSO UNRAVELS MORTICIA ]

Oh.

[ OPENS UP 'NEIMAN CARCUSS' MAGAZINE ]

Ahh.

Mr Warren.

I understand you wanted to see my... carnivorous flora.

Uhh.

Yeah.

It appears we'll have the cemetery all to ourselves.

My family seems to have made...

... other plans.

Stay close to me, and...

[ WRAPS HANDS around HER ] [ MORTICIA looks ALARMED ]

... no one will hurt you.

[ WALKS HER OUTSIDE ]

When I give the signal,

get down on the ground.

Mr Warren, I'm a married woman!

[ WHISTLE ]

[ GOMEZ and FESTER POP OUT ]

Ahh!

This is it!

[ FESTER GIGGLING ]

I love you, Morticia.

Surprise!

[ FAMILY, IN UNISON ] Unhappy birthday~!

Oh, I can't believe it.

[ LURCH, WHEELING in CAKE ]

Ooh.

Oh.

You remembered after all!

You mean... the party?

There's really a party?

Of course!

Oh, Gomez.

I thought you'd forgotten.

[ BACKUP AGENT on ROOF, THROWS DOWN a GRENADE ]

[ GRENADE hits GOMEZ's HEAD ]

[ SMOKE ]

Ooh!

Tear gas!

A nice touch, Fester!

I didn't order any... [ TRAILS OFF, CRYING ]

[ HELICOPTER ABOVE ] We've got you surrounded!

Don't make a move!

[ BLACK-CLAD FIGURES descend with ROPE from HELICOPTER ]

Oh, Gomez! A seige!

You thought of everything~

[ HOLDING a MEGAPHONE ] This is the FBI.

You're all under arrest.

[ SPARKS FLASH ]

[ FAMILY HOOT and HOLLAR in DELIGHT ]

[ WARREN STUMBLES IN, SOBBING ] ... It was all a mistake!

What do you mean a mistake?

It's not a terrorist plot.

It's a surprise party.

[ BOOM! ]

Party?

[ SIGHS ]

Is there cake?

Right over here.

[ LIGHTS CANDLES on CAKE ]

Yummy.

Aren't you gonna blow those out?

Why would you wanna do that?

Morticia, I have an apology to make. I...

... ruined your birthday and I destroyed your backyard.

Haaah. [ FESTER WAVES IT OFF ]

It woulda happened anyway.

With or without you!

[ CAKE EXPLODES ]

[ SMOKE CLEARS ... ]

[ WIPES FROSTING OFF ]

Hey, this isn't so bad.

And this one is from Wednesday...

[ REMOVES TARP ]

[ FAMILY GASPS! ]

Wednesday, it's remarkable!

So life-like.

Yes.

You've certainly captured your brother.

You could say that.

[ PUGSLEY, MUFFLED ] Lemme out... !

Now, Tish.

One last present.

From all of us.

Fester, if you please.

[ FESTER runs over to MANY STICKS of DYNAMITE stuck into GROUND ]

Why, they're beautiful.

And lethal. [ TURNS ON BLOWTORCH ]

[ LIGHTS WICKS ]

[ CACKLES and RUNS AWAY ]

[ MISSILE LAUNCH! ]

[ COLOURFUL EXPLOSIONS! ] [ FAMILY OOH's and AAH's ]

Unhappy Birthday Morticia

Unhappy birthday, darling. [ COUPLE HOLD HANDS ]

[ LEAN IN TO KISS... ]

[ PUGSLEY STRUGGLING TO SPEAK ] ...... !

[ FROWN ]

[ THEY KISS]

Awooooo... !