Original subtitles

[ FESTER OPENS MAILBOX ]

That's strange.

The mail's usually here, by now.

Heeelllppp!

[ MAILMAN, STUCK in TREE ]

Oh, there you are!

D'you have any mail for me?

I'm waiting for some new spikes for my Iron Maiden.

[ WHIMPERING ] The mailbox attacked me... !

[ SMACKS MAILBOX ] Bad mailbox!

[ WAGS FINGER at IT ] Bad, bad, bad!

You should know better than to bite the hand that feeds you.

Hold on!

I'll be right back.

[ MAILMAN, FREAKING OUT in TREE ]

[ CLUTCHES TREE ]

[ FESTER COMES OUT with a BAZOOKA ]

[ TAKES AIM at TREE ]

This will get you down!

[ MAILMAN, SLIPPING off TREE a bit ]

[ LOWERS SIGHTS to BASE of TREE ]

[ SHOOTS ]

[ EXPLOSION ]

[ FESTER SETS LAUNCHER DOWN ]

[ MAILMAN FALLS, with TREE on TOP of him ]

[ GROANS ]

... Help!

[ FESTER PICKS UP his MAIL ]

No, thanks.

I can carry this myself.

[ MAILMAN SCRAMBLES out, from UNDER the TREE ]

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

[ ROASTS... SOMETHING? on a STICK over a FIRE ]

Perfect!

Burnt to a crisp.

The more incinerated the better.

Gomez... Morticia.

Wednesday...

Pugsley...

... Hey!

There's a postcard for Lurch!

Really?

Lurch never gets any letters.

Maybe he found a penpal down at the morgue!

[ MORTICIA SHOOTS PISTOL at GONG ]

[ GONG RINGS ]

[ LURCH APPEARS ] You rang?

You've Got Mail.

[ FESTER hands POSTCARD to LURCH ]

[ READs POSTCARD, BACK says "HAWAII" ]

[ LURCH FROWNS ]

What is it, Lurch?

Is it good news?

A death threat?

Blackmail demands? Huh?

Huh??

[ LURCH SIGHS ]

Whatever it was, it must have been very upsetting.

[ GOMEZ, in SULTRY TONE ] I hope there's a postcard in there for us.

Cara mia...

Mon cher...

[ GOMEZ STICKS HAND in BIRDHOUSE ]

Oh my.

Lurch overfed the vampire bats.

[ GOMEZ TAKES OUT ARM ] Not a single nip!

How does he expect them to be vicious if they're not even hungry?

If you see Lurch, tell him I have a little complaint about the laundry.

And look at this plate!

I can see myself.

I think we're gonna have to have a talk with Lurch.

[ PULLS GONG LEVER ROPE ]

[ GONG RINGS ]

[ LURCH APPEARS ]

... Whaaaat?

Lurch.

We've noticed that you seem to have something on your mind, Lurch.

You know we all think of you as part of the family!

If you have a problem, share the wealth.

[ LURCH GROANS ]

[ TAKES out POSTCARD ]

[ FLINGS it at GOMEZ ]

The girl you met on your Hawaiian vacation, wants to come for a visit?

How nice.

We get to meet your lady love~

[ LURCH GROANS, SHAKES HEAD ]

I know that groan!

[ FESTER GROANS ]

[ LURCH GROANS ]

[ FESTER GROANS a QUESTION ]

[ LURCH GROANS in REPLY ]

[ FESTER GROANS ]

[ LURCH GROANS ]

I was right.

He lied about who he was to impress her.

What did you tell her?

I always say that I'm an astronaut.

They really get a "blast" outta that.

... Millionaire.

[ FAMILY GASPS in SHOCK ]

[ WHISPER ] Lurch!

A relationship based on deceit?

This just might be the Real Thing...

[ EXECUTIONER ALARM CLOCK goes OFF ]

Had enough, boys?

Not a chance!

I've just started to get blisters!

[ GOMEZ and FESTER struggling with rope, MORTICIA at other end of TUG-OF-WAR ]

Me, too!

Rope burns are the best!

[ LURCH APPEARS, with HAT and SUITCASE ]

Where are you going, Lurch?

Away.

[ SPEAKS to ROPE ]

Stay.

But your lady love will be here in a few days.

I know.

Why would she be disappointed, Lurch?

She may not be getting a millionaire...

But she's getting a liar... !

Why can't she have both?

Capital idea! [ LETS GO of ROPE ]

We'll let Lurch pretend he's the man of the house.

And you and I will be his maid and butler.

Come, Lurch.

We're going to turn you into a man of leisure.

Let me take that, Lurch. [ GOMEZ takes LURCH's BRIEFCASE ]

Lurch?

No, really, Lurch, I can take it.

[ GROANS in DISAPPROVAL ]

Lurch, give me the bag!

[ FESTER FALLS onto HOT COALS ]

[ COALS SIZZLE, FESTER YELLS in PAIN ]

I win... !

Hah!

Even if you can't read, you shouldn't be seen without the Ghoul Street Journal.

Being an eccentric millionaire is not as easy as it looks.

Let's start with the basics.

Pretend there's someone at the door.

Knock knock!

I'll get it. [LURCH MOVES to GET UP... ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ STOP HIM ]

No, Lurch.

When I go, "knock knock", you say...

Who's there?

Oh no, Lurch.

The correct response is to say nothing,

just to sit there,

and let one of us answer it.

Maybe we should try a different approach.

Lurch, if you were thirsty,

what would you do?

[ GLANCES at GOBLETS on TABLE ]

[ MOVES to GET UP... ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ SHAKING HEAD ]

[ SETTLES BACK DOWN ]

Lurch, whatever you need, anything, all you have to do is ring.

[ PULLS ROPE LEVER ]

[ GONG RINGS ]

Rang?

No, Lurch, that's my line now!

Rang?

Here, Lurch.

Give it a try.

[ PUTS ROPE in LURCH's HAND ]

[ LURCH RIPS WHOLE ROPE OUT ]

[ CEILING FALLS onto GOMEZ ]

Oh.

[ GOMEZ STANDS, DAZED ]

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

[ GOMEZ FAINTS ]

[ GOMEZ, DUSTING CHANDELIER ]

[ MORTICIA, SETS DOWN PLATTER ]

Lurch always makes this look so easy.

Gomez.

I'm worried about Lurch.

I caught him sweeping dirt out from under the rugs and the den!

He got up early this morning,

and did all the shopping!

Well, you know what they say.

What's that, darling?

I don't know.

I was hoping you'd know.

Fester, Mama.

Where are you going?

Lurch asked us to leave.

He told his girlfriend Lizzy he lived alone.

Except for his servants, of course.

[ GOMEZ, STRUGGLING with STILTS ]

[ GOMEZ YELLING ]

[ GOMEZ FALLS, FLAT on his FACE ]

Gomez has all the fun.

[ PUGSLEY, LUGGING LUGGAGE ]

[ CHILDREN APPEAR, with their LUGGAGE ]

[ FESTER and GRANDMAMA WALK towards the FRONT DOOR ]

... Children?

Where are you going?

We're going with Uncle Fester and Granny.

Lizzy can't stand children.

She has my vote, already.

This isn't like Lurch, at all.

You're right.

Bossing people around?

Kicking family out of the house?

Perhaps we've made some progress, after all!

[ GOMEZ FAINTS ]

Welcome to the Hotel de la Posh.

[ FAMILY MAKE NOISES of DISGUST ]

This is the finest suite we have.

Finest suite!?

[ TRAILS FINGERS on FURNITURE ]

There's not a speck of dust on anything in here!

[ GRANDMAMA, SMELLING CHOCOLATE left on BED ]

They're never going to attract bugs,

with their sweets wrapped up like this.

This soaps smells like flowers.

[ FLINGS it BEHIND HER ]

And the towels aren't hard or scratchy, at all!

[ FLINGS THEM BEHIND HER BACK ]

[ PUGSLEY OPENS CURTAINS ]

Ahhh, the sun! The brightness!

It's right there!

Make it stop, Wednesday!

Make it stop... !

Do you have any other room?

Maybe something in the basement?

I'm sorry, sir, but this is all that's left.

I'm sure that you'll find everything that you require.

But if you need anything,

my name is Stanley.

[ STICKS out a GLOVED HAND ]

Oh, thank you very much, Stanley.

That's all.

Ahem.

Sir.

It is customary to offer a... tip?

Oh, right!

Wednesday, do you have a tip?

[WEDNESDAY STEPS FORWARD ]

When meeting strangers for the first time,

it's best not to expose your fingers.

Otherwise, you might get them bitten off.

[ PUGSLEY BITES at his HAND ]

Ahh!

[ BITE! ]

[ BITE! ]

[ BELLHOP CLOSES DOOR ]

Oh!

[ FAMILY LOOKING DISTRAUGHT at their CLEAN, NEAT, HOTEL SUITE ]

[ FOGHORN DOOR BELL RINGS ]

[ GOMEZ OPENS DOORS ]

Good afternoon! Welcome to...

Save it.

Gently.

[ HANDS HIM her BAG ]

Actually, the name is Gomez.

Whatever.

The important thing is my name, Lizzy.

Lurch is expecting me.

Of course.

Follow me.

Remember, Lurch, keep your eye on the ball.

[ LURCH FLINGS GOLF CLUB ]

... !

[ GOMEZ, CHOKED by GOLF CLUB ] Miss Lizzy.

Lurch!

[ LURCH PICKS HER UP ]

I am so glad to see you.

[ GIGGLES, FLUTTERS FEET ]

Me too.

[ KISSES NOSE ]

Oh, Gomez.

Isn't love grand?

[ STILL CHOKING ] If you ask me,

it's a pain in the neck.

[ FAINTS, CRASHES ]

Oh, Stanley?

There are a few things I need from the Apothecary.

And there are a few dozen essentials, that I, too, forgot to pack.

[ READING LIST ] Nitroglycerin, acetylene, torches?

Where am I supposed to get all this... stuff?

Well, you said that you could get us anything we needed, didn't you?

Very well.

Is there... anything else?

Now that you mention it.

I would like to discuss the options I've made on the vibrating bed.

Oh, we don't have vibrating beds here, sir.

You do now.

[ BELLHOP FLIPS PAPERS, FALLS onto BED ]

Ahhh! [ BED STARTS SHAKING ]

Stop... !

Stop?

What do you mean stop?

We're just gonna kick this baby into turbo charge!

[ BED FLIPS IN HALF, BENDING BELLHOP in HALF ]

[ BELLHOP SCREAMING ]

.... Sorry.

[ WIPES FINGER through DUST on WINDOW ] My goodness, Lurch.

That help of yours is so inefficient.

Just look at these windows.

[ SIGHS ]

And there's dust everywhere.

You shouldn't have to put up with this.

[ LURCH, READING NEWSPAPER ] [ Lizzy PULLS GONG LEVER ]

[ GONG RINGS ]

[ GOMEZ the "BUTLER" and MORTICIA the "MAID" STUMBLE OUT ]

[ IN A DEEP VOICE ] You rang?

What took you so long?

We came as fast as you...

I'm tired of your excuses.

You.

Clean these windows.

I want them as clear as day.

But why would you want... ?

And you.

Get rid of all this dust.

I want this place spotless.

But it... !

It took us so long to get it this way... !

No.

You are a Saint to put up with this incompetence, Lurch.

If it was up to me,

these two would be out on the street.

[ LURCH GRIMACES ]

[ RAISES NEWSPAPER to COVER his FACE ]

[ FESTER SCREAMS in PAIN ]

[ FESTER LAUGHING(?) as his BACK is MASSAGED ]

[ LAUGHS ]

Oh, yeah! More! More! Oh, that feels great!

Olga, you're the best!

[ OLGA, SWEATING ] Mr Addams.

Would you mind,

if I take a break now?

We've been at this for over four hours.

Oh, alright.

But only if you call me Fester~

[ CHILDREN WALK IN, in SWIMGEAR and GOGGLES ]

Hey, kids.

Where are you up to?

We're going to the swimming pool to play Jaws.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water.

Mr Addams, here is everything on your list.

[ WEDNESDAY SHOOTS ARROW at BELLHOP's ITEMS ]

I can come back.

If this is a bad time.

[ CREEPY LAUGHTER ]

[ FIDDLES WITH DOORKNOB ]

[ Lizzy ENTERS ROOM ]

[ THING HIDES ]

[ Lizzy OPENS CLOSET ]

[ CLOSES IT ]

[ OPENS HIDDEN COMPARTMENT in ARMOR HEAD containing JEWELRY ]

[ ABOUT TO STEAL JEWELRY... ]

[ SNAGS JEWELRY ]

Mmmmn, one shouldn't leave such nice things lying around~

[ SLIDES VALUABLES into her CLUTCH PURSE ]

[ CLOSES ARMOR HEAD ]

[ THING GESTICULATING ]

You must be mistaken, Thing.

Why would Lizzy want to steal those old gems?

[ THING PANTOMIMING... ]

[ GUILLOTINE BLADE DROPS ]

Gomez.

Do you think Lizzy's pretending to like Lurch, because he's pretending to be rich?

I knew they were the perfect couple.

Oh, Lizzy's going to break Lurch's heart.

Let's tell him.

Why, that's preposterous! [ ADMIRING STOLEN RING on her FINGER ]

You can't take them seriously, sweetums.

After all, who are you going to believe?

Couple of no-good, lazy, shifty servants.

Or your fiancée?

Fiancée?

Fiancée?

That's French.

Not now.

That's right.

Lurch and I are to be wed.

This weekend.

And as for you two.

Tell them, sweetums!

You're fired.

Fired!?

Fired!?

Ooh.

[ LOOK GIDDY ]

[ FRANTIC KNOCKING ]

Will you people stop bothering us!?

The last time you were here, you took all our musty towels,

and cleaned all the scum up of the tub!

[ CLOSES DOOR on.. MORTICIA and GOMEZ ? ]

[ KNOCKS ]

Fester?

It's us.

[ FESTER RE-OPENS DOORS ]

Morticia and Gomez.

Oh.

What a relief!

You don't know how bad it's been living in this...

... pit of luxury.

What are you two, doing here?

We were fired.

Fired?

You know, I think the hotel's looking for help?

[ PUGSLEY SCREAMING ]

[ ... CRASH! ]

Ooh!

That was close!

[ FESTER LAUGHS ]

Pugsley almost landed in the pool.

[ PUGSLEY GROANING ]

Wednesday?

What did we say about shooting your brother out of a cannon?

Not outside.

Good girl.

But it's not my fault.

The aim on the cannon's [...] is off!

I think she has a point, Morticia.

I think the children are homesick.

[ FAMILY UNCOVERS MEAL, SCREAMS IN SHOCK ]

They call this a gourmet meal... !?

They cut all the gristle off the meat!

And it's cooked all the way through. [ STABS at PLATE ]

Oh, my.

These snails are dead.

[ FAMILY COVERS FOOD ]

Not to worry!

I think I've caught something! [GOMEZ, FISHING out the WINDOW ]

And it feels like a big one!

[ BIKINI TOP FLIES INTO WINDOW ]

[ A WOMAN SCREAMS ]

Look!

Oh, what do you know?

It's an itsy bitsy amber-coloured woman's bathing suit!

With little white dots!

Gomez, I believe that's out of season.

[ WOMAN SCREAMS AGAIN ]

Sorry.

[ TOSSES BIKINI TOP back out the WINDOW ]

We can't go on this way.

Mama is right.

We've got to do something about Lizzy.

Not only has she kicked us out of our own home,

she has her hooks in Lurch, as well.

Yes, it does seem as if she only likes him for his money... ?

That's strange.

Considering he doesn't have any!

Capital idea!

What, dear?

We convinced Lizzy, Lurch is a millionaire.

We can just as easily convince her that he isn't!

[ GOMEZ NODS ]

[ LIGHTNING BOLT, FOGHORN DOOR BELL RINGS ]

[ Lizzy OPENS DOOR ]

[ FESTER ENTERS, in a SUIT ] Addam Fester, I.R.S.!

[ WAVES AROUND BADGE ]

I.R.S.?

I'm here to audit Mr Lurch.

Audit... ?

Don't argue with me!

I'm here to find out what he's been hiding from us.

[ RAPIDLY DOING CALCULATIONS ]

And the total comes to... ?

[ PAPER ROLL PRINTS CRAZILY ]

[ LURCH SIGHs ]

That's what they all say.

Ooh.

Don't worry, sweetums.

I know of a good lawyer who has experience dealing with these vultures.

[ FESTER SLOWLY RISES ]

Flattery will get you nowhere~

[ CHILDREN SWARM LURCH ]

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Daddy!?

No, I...

We missed you soooo much!

Is this gonna be our new Mommy??

But we already have a Mommy~!

[ CHILDREN JUMPING UP and DOWN ]

You're married!?

Do you take me for a fool?

I'm going to sue you for misrepresentation and take every penny you've got!

I'm afraid there won't be much once the I.R.S. gets through with him.

And the I.R.S.'ll take this, too! [ YANKS RING off Lizzy's FINGER ]

Daddy!

We love you, Daddy!

[ Lizzy SLUMPS onto COUCH ]

I think she's coming... !

I'm not spending another minute in this house!

[ SCREAMS, FALLS DOWN SHAFT ]

I think we got her!

[ GRANDMAMA LAUGHS ]

[ Lizzy CRASHES to BASEMENT LEVEL ]

[ GOMEZ and MORTICIA TURN AROUND ]

... !?

I have to get out of here... !

[ GRABBING JEWELS ]

[ HIDING JEWELS in BAG ]

Thing is right!

She is a thief!

Maybe we should give her another chance.

What are you talking about?

You're just the hired help.

The fired hired help.

Now, get out of my way!

Actually, we're the Addamses.

This is our home.

What?

You mean... ?

Lurch is our butler.

We let him pretend to be man of the house,

to impress you.

... Butler?

I should have known that big oaf wasn't a millionaire.

That lying, deceitful scoundrel... !

See, she likes Lurch for who he is.

[ LURCH ENTERS ]

Lurch!

We've told Lizzy everything.

And boy, is she mad at you~

Now you two lovebirds can get to know each other, all over again.

I picture a Fall wedding, after the leaves have died.

Are you joking?

Me?!

Marry a... butler!?

[ LURCH FROWNS ]

[ Lizzy BARKS/SCOFFS ]

[ GRABS HER LUGGAGE ]

Not!

I've never heard of anything so ridiculous!

[ LURCH GRUNTS, GRABS HER SUITCASE FROM HER ]

[ SWINGING HER AROUND by the LUGGAGE ]

I can carry it... myself!

[ LURCH GRUNTS ]

[ EMPTIES LUGGAGE of STOLEN GEMS ]

[ HANDS BACK LUGGAGE ]

[ Lizzy, STALKING OFF... ] I can't believe I almost married a butler!

Don't worry, Lurch.

You'll find someone else.

You know what they say.

"There are plenty of eels in the sea"?

Actually, I was thinking of "if at first you don't succeed."

But I like your eels one.

Merci.

[ GASPS ] Tish! That's French...

[ TOSSES CIGAR ]

[ STARTS KISSING UP and DOWN... LURCH's ARM? ]

Hmm?

[ RECORD SCRATCH ]

[ GOMEZ CORRECTS HIMSELF, KISSES TISH's ARM ]

[ LURCH GRUNTS ]

[ LURCH, BURNING 'HAWAII' POSTCARD ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ, DANCING with MARACAS ]

Be it ever so dismal, there's no place like home~

I'll drink to that.

Care for a Deadly Nightshade iced tea, querida?

Darling, that sounds delightful.

Lurch?

Yes.

On rocks.

No, Lurch, you get the drinks for us.

[ RAISES EYEBROW, GRUNTS ]

Fester,

where are you going?

I got a hot date with Olga, tonight.

Why the spacesuit?

Oh, this old thing?

I told her I'm an astronaut.

Fester, didn't you learn anything from Lurch's experience?

[ LURCH FROWNS, GRUNTS ]

[ LURCH TAKES MARACAS from GOMEZ ]

Oh, sure I did.

That if you're gonna lie,

you better learn to back it up.

[ PUTS HELMET ON ]

[ ADJUSTS SUIT ]

[ PRESSES BUTTON ] Blast...offff... !

[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ] Wow... !

[ HOLLARING ]

[ FINALLY TAKES OFF ]

Woohoo!

Woohoohooo... !

Don't wait up for me... !

[ WAVES GOODBYE ]

... !?

Ow... !

[ MORTICIA, GOMEZ, LURCH, all WAVE ]

Awooooo... !