Original subtitles

[ WILDCAT ALARM CLOCK GROWLS ]

[ HAND SMACKS ALARM ]

[ GOMEZ... STARTS FLOATING ? ]

... Tish!

[ SCARED NOISES ]

Tish!

Tish, please!

[ SLOWLY DROPS TO GROUND ]

D'oh!

[ GOMEZ FLIPS OVER ]

[ WHIMPERING ]

[ GASPING & WHIMPERING ]

[ STARING DOWN FROM CEILING ]

Tish!

[ TRIES JUMPING UPSIDE-DOWN ]

Tish!

Fester!

[FESTER, HOPS ONTO CEILING ]

Good morning, Gomez.

I should have guessed!

The old gravity-switching gag.

Is it that time of year, already?

Happy Gotcha week!

Well, you're not gonna beat me at our Practical Joke War this year, Fester!

I think you have that...

... upside down.

D'oh!

[ FESTER CACKLES ]

Nooo... !

.... !?

[ TRIES JUMPING AGAIN ]

[ FESTER RETURNS with a REMOTE ]

Gotcha!

Uh oh!

[ FLICKS SWITCH ]

[ GOMEZ FALLS TO THE FLOOR ]

[ WHIMPERS ]

Gomez.

Did you fall out of bed, again?

[ WHIMPERING ]

[ GOMEZ SLUMPS to FLOOR, FAINTS ]

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

[ MORTICIA, WIELDING a GOLF CLUB ]

[ ABOUT TO SWING... ]

[ GOMEZ, TAKES GOLF BALL OUT OF HIS MOUTH ] Now remember, keep your eye on the ball.

[ PUTS BALL in MOUTH ]

Darling, what if I missed the ball and hit you?

[ TAKES BALL out of MOUTH ]

Well, it still counts as a stroke.

[ PUTS BALL in MOUTH ]

[ MORTICIA SMILES ]

[ MORTICIA PREPARES TO SWING... ! ]

[ HITS BALL! ]

[ BALL RICOCHETS WILDLY... ]

[ POPS! into FESTER's MOUTH ]

[ POPs BALL out of MOUTH ]

Hole in one!

Excellent form, cara mia!

Now, let's try it blindfolded.

[ BRANDISHES BLINDFOLD ]

Children?

[ PUGSLEY and WEDNESDAY come down the STAIRS ]

Why are you two off to school, so early?

How do you expect to get detention if you're on time?

We've got rehearsal for the school play today.

I get to be the witch.

Excellent.

I remember my first school play.

The story of George Washington.

I had a major supporting role.

The Cherry Tree.

[ HOLDS TWO BRANCHES up to his CHEEKS ]

[ CHOPPING NOISE! ]

[ FESTER FALLS OVER, like a TREE ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ APPLAUD his PERFORMANCE ]

[ FESTER WALKS into DUNGEON ]

[ STOPS, LOOKS AROUND CONFUSEDLY ]

"Ice cold foot bath"?

Boy, I can sure go for one of those right now.

[ STICKS TOE INTO "FOOT BATH" ]

[ SHIVER-LAUGHS in DELIGHT ]

[ SITS DOWN ]

[ GOMEZ POPS UP, with a MISCHIEVIOUS LOOK ]

This is gonna feel so good... !

[ SUBMERGES BOOT-CLAD FEET ]

[ SIGHS in BLISS ]

[ GOMEZ comes behind FESTER, HOLDING a 'CEMENT' bag ]

Fester?

... Gomez.

You're not still sore about my little practical joke, are you?

[ CRINKLING BAG ] Just a little.

Feels good.

Say.

What are you doing with that sack of quick-drying cement?

You mean,

what was I doing with that sack of quick-drying cement?

[ FESTER STANDS UP ]

[ STRUGGLING, FEET STUCK in CEMENT ]

Uhh, Gomez?

... Gomez!

[ STRUGGLING TO MOVE FEET]

Gomez... !

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ, "GARDENING" ]

There.

That should stifle any new growth, nicely.

[ Lurch APPEARS with TRAY ]

Thank you, Lurch.

Oh, where's the honey?

Oh, allow me, querida!

[ GOMEZ dons BEEKEEPER MASK ]

[ BEES fly out of HIVE, BUZZING ]

[ GOMEZ, SWATTING THEM AWAY ]

Mmmn! This tea smells delicious, Lurch.

What have you done differently?

Swamp water.

[ GOMEZ SWATTING BEES, RETRIEVES some HONEY ]

[ TAKES OFF MASK ]

Thank you, darling. [ TAKES HONEY from GOMEZ ]

No trouble.

I guess the killer bees are feeling very homicidal today.

[ PUGSLEY and WEDNESDAY ENTER ]

[ PARENTS notice CHILDREN's GLUM FACES, TURN TO FOLLOW THEM ]

What on Earth is wrong?

They look like they just came back from the Icecapades!

The teacher said we can't be in the school play.

Why ever not?

She says we have to do it the way it's written or not at all.

But the plot is dry.

The characters are one-dimensional,

and the dialogue is lifeless and depressing.

[ MORTICIA takes SCRIPT ]

A happy ending. A festival of fairy tales...

Oh, dear.

They're performing stories written by the Brothers Grimm.

I don't understand how those hacks can keep getting work.

[ FLIPS THROUGH PAGES ]

[ GASP! ]

[ GASP! ]

Fair maidens poisoning witches?

Trolls being attacked by goats?!

Knights slaying dragons?

The Inhumane Society is going to hear about this!

[ CHILDREN TURN and SIGH ]

Boy, that Miss French sure can dash the hopes and dreams of her students.

Even if she doesn't mean well,

there's no excuse for this.

[ GOMEZ HOLDS UP a LIGHTER to SCRIPT PAGES ]

[ GOMEZ STROLLS DOWN HALL ]

[ FESTER, with CEMENT BLOCKS TRAPPING his FEET ]

That quick-drying cement was a clever idea!

[ STRUGGLES DOWN STAIRS ]

Of course, I would have thrown me in the moat, too.

I gotta admit, you got me.

[ STICKS HAND OUT FOR HANDSHAKE ]

Eh, eh, eh!

[ GOMEZ FINGER WAGGLES ]

Thought I'd fall for the old "joy buzzer in the hand" trick, did you?

[ CHUCKLES ]

Nice try.

[ ELECTRICITY SHOCKS through GOMEZ'S BODY ] .... !!!

[ GOMEZ SLAPS FESTER's BACK ]

Ha ha ha!

... !

Gotcha!

Morticia?

Have you seen the scissors?

Pugsley was running with them earlier.

[ GOMEZ CHUCKLES ]

Gomez?

I've been trying to find another play the school can perform.

But they're all filled with horrible, intolerant depictions of witches and goblins... !

Don't any of them recognize demons and monsters

for their courage in the face of prejudice?

Not a one.

Poor Wednesday.

She was so depressed she couldn't be a witch.

This is just the kind of painful and depressing blow

to her ego that might lead her into acting professionally!

[ GOMEZ SHUDDERS ]

[ THING holding "Fairy Tales" BOOK ]

What is it, Thing?

[ FLINGS BOOK in AIR ]

[ MORTICIA CATCHES BOOK ]

[ OPENS BOOK ]

[ GASPS! ]

How vulgar... !

In this one, a young girl turns a perfectly good frog into a prince.

No wonder the school doesn't perform more suitable material.

It just simply doesn't exist.

[ MORTICIA QUIRKS an EYEBROW ]

There's only one thing left to do.

I shall write them a play~

Myself.

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ NOD SMUGLY ]

[ MORTICIA PACING in THOUGHT ]

Don't let me disturb you.

I just came in for these.

Actually, I haven't started yet.

I never realized writing was so torturous.

Really?

... May I watch?

Perhaps later.

I don't want any distractions.

I'm having trouble getting past my writer's block.

Oh, Lurch!

Could you help Mrs. Addams with her writer's block?

[ GRUNTS in AFFIRMATION ]

Thank you, Lurch.

[ PLACES ITEMS on top of a LITERAL STONE BLOCK ]

[ LURCH MOVES STONE BLOCK from her DESK ]

[ MORTICIA SITS at DESK ]

[ HOLDS FINGER PENSIVELY over TYPEWRITER... ]

[ TIME PASSES, MORTICIA STILL HOLDING UP FINGER... ]

[FESTER ENTERS ROOM, looking WORRIED ]

Morticia!

Do you notice anything...

[ FESTER, FLAPPING round LOOSE SLEEVES ]

... different about me?

As a writer, my senses are trained to observe

everything around me in the most minute detail.

[ EYES NARROW, SCRUTINIZING FESTER ]

You've waxed your head!

No, besides that.

[ SCANS HIM UP and DOWN, FINGER STILL POINTED above KEYBOARD ]

You sharpened your teeth?

No... !

Besides that!

Well, perhaps you could give me a hint.

[ FESTER, FLAPPING LOOSE SLEEVES ]

You had your nails done?

Morticia!

Look at my clothes!

They're too big... !

Well, maybe you should ask Lurch, if he's doing something different with the laundry?

Good idea.

[ ... STRUGGLES to REACH GONG LEVER ]

[ JUMPING, FLAILING ]

Oh my goodness!

I'm shrinking!

I'm shrinking!

I'm shrinking... !

[ GRANDMAMA, STIRRING CAULDRON ]

[ MORTICIA SIGHS ]

So!

How's the childrens' play coming along?

I'm afraid it's not.

I can't seem to find my muse.

I need something... dramatic and extraordinary that will inspire me~

[ TENTACLE rises from CAULDRON, WRAPS AROUND GRANDMAMA's THROAT ]

[ GRANDMAMA SCREAMING ]

[ LURCH, PUSHING GOMEZ AROUND in ELECTRIC CHAIR ]

[ FIRE ARROWS LAUNCH OVERHEAD ]

[ BATS FLUTTERING, PUGSLEY and FESTER SCREAMING ]

I'm shrinking... !

Ahhhhh... !

I guess I'll just have to face it.

[ GRANDMAMA, WHIMPERING for HELP, being STRANGLED by TENTACLE ]

Our lives are just... too ordinary.

Gomez! Gomez!

We have to call off this Practical Joke War.

Something terrible has happened.

What's the matter, old man?

I'm shrinking!

Don't be ridiculous!

You're just imagining things.

Have a seat and relax.

[ GOMEZ LIGHTS CIGAR ]

[ FESTER WHIMPERING, GOMEZ SMILES through CIGAR PUFF ]

[ FESTER PLOPS DOWN in BIG CHAIR ]

[ FEET STRUGGLE TO REACH GROUND ]

Oh no!

It's getting worse!

By jove, you're right!

I gotta get to the [...] while there's still some of me left to stretch!

[ FLAILS ARMS ]

I'm shrinking!

I'm shrinking!

I-I-I'm shrinking... !

[ PAN TO GOMEZ's FEET, CLAD in CHUNKY HEELS ]

[ PUGSLEY, TURNING CRANK ]

[ PUGSLEY, PULLS CRANK MORE ]

More! More!

I think it's working!

[ WEDNESDAY, MEASURING FESTER ]

According to this, you're 67 inches.

Wait a minute.

That's how tall I've always been.

But your coat appears to be six sizes too big.

My coat!?

[ GETS OFF TORTURE RACK ]

Gomez!

[ WRAPS BANDANA around FOREHEAD ]

It's time to pull out the big guns!

[ MORTICIA, LOOKING PENSIVE ]

[ THING, LINGERING on top of TYPEWRITER ]

I know!

'The curtain rises.' [ THING starts TYPING ]

[ TAP TAP TAP TAP ]

[ SIGHS ]

Oh.

Hey Morticia,

how's the play comin' along?

It's not.

I can't seem to get started.

Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a writer.

Well, if you're having trouble with the beginning...

[ PULLING SOMETHING out of SAFE ]

Why not start at the end?

That way, you'll already be finished.

It sounds perfectly illogical.

I'll try it.

[ FESTER CONTINUES REMOVING a GIANT WOOD BEAM from SAFE ]

Ready, Thing?

[ THING hops onto KEYS ]

'The End.'

[ THING TYPES out "The End" ]

'And they all lived miserably ever after.'

Fester, you're a genius!

[ HOLDING GIANT BEAM of WOOD ] All in a day's work.

And if Gomez asks...

You didn't see me, right?

[ TAPS NOISE TWICE, CLICKS TONGUE TWICE ]

[ LUGS WOOD OUT OF ROOM ]

'And the happy singing elf,'

'was never heard from again.'

[ THING TYPING in BACKGROUND ]

[ FESTER, FIDDLING with CAMERA DIAL ]

Hi, Gomez.

Hello, Fester.

Thing said you were looking for me.

My new camera arrived.

Can I take your picture?

Of course!

Make certain that you get my bad side.

Wait a minute.

I see what's going on here.

You plan on blinding me with a big flash, huh?

[ GOMEZ CHUCKLES ]

Your snares are becoming so transparent.

[ PUTS on SUNGLASSES ]

Click away, my novice competitor~

Say "Limburger".

[ FLIPS SWITCH ]

[ CANNONBALL DROPS FROM SKY ]

[ GOMEZ FLUNG UP INTO AIR... ]

...... aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

Gotcha!

[ GOMEZ SCREAMING, ZINGING around THE EARTH ]

[ FESTER YAWNS ]

[ FLYING around BIG BEN... ]

Have you seen Gomez?

I just finished my play, and I'd like him to read it.

Uhh, I think he went out for Chinese.

..... aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

[ FLYING around the GREAT WALL of CHINA ]

... Chinese?

..... aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

[ FLYING AROUND BEACH ]

[ GOMEZ CRASHES to GROUND ]

[ GRUNTS ]

Whoa.

[ GOMEZ STUMBLES, wearing a LEI and holding a TIKI DRINK ]

There you are, Gomez.

I finished my play!

That's wonderful, querida.

We should celebrate.

Anyone for a luau... ?

[ SPLUTTERS and FAINTS ]

♪ The itsy bitsy spider went up the waterspout ♪

♪ Down came the rain and washed the spider out ♪

♪ Out came the sun... ♪

Thank you, Tommy.

But -- !

Thanks.

But!

We'll let you know.

[ TOMMY BOWS, turns to LEAVE ]

Miss French.

I'm afraid we'll have to cancel the play... !

The school board has...

... cut the budget for Fine Arts.

The children will be so disappointed!

Oh, Miss French, Mr Principal, how nice to see you again.

There's something we'd like to talk to you about.

If it's about your children being in the play,

don't bother.

It's, I'm afraid it's been called off.

Budget cuts.

Money?

Is that all?

[ HOLDS UP TWO LARGE WADS of CASH ]

Will this help?

Indeed, it will!

What's the catch?

No catch.

We just want to make sure the children have a proper play to perform.

Deal.

[ TAKING MONEY ]

I wrote it myself.

Give them whatever they want.

I'll just... make sure this gets to save... !

[ SINGING HAPPILY ]

[ MISS FRENCH GASPS! ]

This. Is. Repulsive!

Gruesome... !

Dis...tasteful!

I told you, you'd like it!

[ FESTER, STRAPPED with DYNAMITE ]

What's my detonator doing out in the middle of the floor?

... Gomez!

[ PUTS on INFRARED GOGGLES ]

[ MULTIPLE RED LAZERS REVEALED ]

... Gonna have to do a lot better than this!

[ CAREFULLY DODGES LAZERS ]

Ooh, look.

An unlucky penny!

[ BENDS to PICK up PENNY ]

[ NET DROPS ON FESTER ]

... Gomez!

Just my luck.

All I caught was a big, fat bottom-feeder.

Ooohh, what do we have here~?

[ PULLS DETONATOR ]

Uh-oh...

[ PUSHES DOWN DETONATOR BUTTON ]

[ EXPLOSION! ]

Gotcha.

[ MORTICIA, RAPIDLY TYPING with INDEX FINGERS ]

Miss French.

[ LURCH enters with TEACHER ]

Miss French!

How nice of you to stop by.

I was just working on my next play.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

There isn't going to be a first play.

The parents think it's too violent.

Ooh, I'm flattered.

They refuse to allow their children to participate.

Wednesday and Pugsley are the only ones left,

and they couldn't possibly perform all the roles!

I'm afraid, we're going to have to cancel the production.

Ooh, there must be something we can do.

After all,

the show must go on~

Mrs Addams... !

Where would we find anyone to act in your play,

on such short notice?

[ MORTICIA SIGHS] Hmm...

Ooh.

The whole family is willing to do what it takes, to make this play a success.

We knew you'd be surprised.

That, wasn't the word I was looking for...

What do I get to be?

A handsome monster?

We need a tree.

Great.

You play a tree once,

and you're typecast for life!

Children, where are you going?

[ PUGSLEY and WEDNESDAY, dressed as HANSEL and GRETEL ]

To rehearse the torture scene.

Torture scene?

I didn't write a torture scene.

[ PUGSLEY SQUIRMING ]

[ PARENTS SMILE FONDLY ] Oh!

"La Première"

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ POKE their HEADS through CURTAIN ]

There's so many people... !

You can thank Fester for that.

It was his idea to raise the cost of the ticket price from $2 to $200.

Mr and Mrs Addams.

All those people paid that much money to see this play... ?!

Of course not.

We paid them.

... !

Oh, Gomez, I'm so nervous!

Relax, cara mia.

There isn't a friendly face in the crowd.

What could possibly go wrong?

[ FESTER LOOMS THREATENINGLY with a KNIFE in HAND ]

[ LURCH PLAYS the ORGAN ]

Presenting Hansel and Gretel, a play by Morticia Addams.

I know the path's around here, somewhere...

Ahhh, there you are!

Hansel and Gretel.

You witching little children.

It's time for me to eat you.

Mmmnn....

I remember you!

You...

You...

You...

[ MORTICIA WHISPERS LINES from OFFSTAGE ] '... kind and generous witch!'

[ PUGSLEY NODS ]

You "blind" and "general" witch!

We're going to repay your charitable meals,

and comfortable lodging,

by burning you to cinder.

You think so, eh?

Give me your best shot.

You ungrateful... !

... brr~rrats!

[ SWINGS FRYING PAN at PUGSLEY'S HEAD ]

... aaahhh!

Ow!

[ SMACKS WEDNESDAY ]

[ WHISPERS ] Scream nice and loud for the audience!

[ SHUTS "OVEN" DOORS ]

[ GRANDMAMA CACKLES MADLY ]

[ OPENS UP "OVEN" ]

[ TAKES "BURNT" CHILDREN out of OVEN ]

[ AUDIENCE LOOKS DISTURBED.... ]

[ WEDNESDAY as a KNIGHT, CHASES PUGSLEY with a SWORD ]

[ FESTER the TREE being CHAINSAWED by LURCH ]

[ WEDNESDAY AS KNIGHT, ABOUT TO SLAY PUGSLEY ]

[ GRANDMAMA WACKING STICK ]

[ PRINCIPAL LOOKS SCARED ]

[ LURCH GROWLING, AUDIENCE FREAKING OUT ]

[ GOMEZ LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY in DELIGHT ]

[ WEDNESDAY PLUNGES SWORD into PUGSLEY'S ABDOMEN ]

[ AUDIENCE, AGHAST ] Ohhh... !

[ PUGSLEY MOANS, SQUIRMS in PAIN ]

[ AUDIENCE GETS UP TO LEAVE ]

Do not fear, fair people!

I have vanquished the happy singing elf, forever.

[ CURTAINS CLOSE ]

[ FAMILY APPLAUDS ]

[ CURTAIN OPENS ]

[ CAST BOWS ]

[ GOMEZ and MORTICIA STILL CLAPPING ]

Author! Author!

[ MORTICIA GETS UP, EXCITEDLY ]

[ RUSHES ONSTAGE ]

[ MISS FRENCH WHIMPERING, CLUTCHING PRINCIPAL HARRIS ]

Ohh, thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

[ GASPS ]

Oh.

[ GOMEZ HANDS HER a BOUQUET of WEEDS ]

Merci.

[GOMEZ GASPS! ]

Mon cher...

Tish.

I love it when you thank me in French.

[ GOMEZ KISSES UP and DOWN MORTICIA's ARM ]

De rien.

[ FESTER, CUTTING AWAY ROPE ]

[ SET PIECE STARTS TO FALL... ]

Gotcha!

[ GOMEZ, STILL KISSING MORTICIA's ARM, as SET COLLAPSES AROUND THEM ]

[ FINALLY LOOKS AROUND ]

Well, darling.

It looks like you broke down the house.

[ RESUMES ARM KISSING... ]

So what are you going to write next, Tish?

I've decided to give up writing, Gomez.

After all,

how could I ever top that production?

Oh, true.

The Principal called to say they've never received so many complaints~

Congratulations, Gomez.

You got the last laugh.

[ HOLDS UP TWO CIGARS ]

You're the new "Gotcha Week" Champion!

[ HANDS GOMEZ a CIGAR ]

[ GOMEZ SNIFFS CIGAR ]

How nice of you to concede so graciously, Fester.

It'll make my gloating all the more enjoyable.

But!

If you don't mind,

I think I'll take that cigar.

[ LAUGHS ]

Ahh, Fester.

[ SWITCHES CIGARS with FESTER ]

You still haven't learned from the Master.

[ STRIKES FLINT ]

[ LIGHTS CIGAR ]

[ EXPLOSION ] BOOM!

[ SMOKE and SHRAPNEL, EVERYWHERE ]

Gotcha.

[ GOMEZ, FROZEN with LIGHTER and CIGAR]

Awooooooo... !