Original subtitles

[ GRANDMAMA, rotating SNAKES over a FIRE PIT ]

Mama!

I think these rattlesnake cakes are the best yet.

Thank you, Morticia.

I made them extra crispy,

to lock in the venom.

[ GIANT BOX FLIES OVER FENCE ]

[ BOX LANDS ON FESTER'S HEAD ]

I see the national parcel delivery man is getting over his shyness.

This is actually the closest he's ever come to the house.

Fester,

it's for you.

Oh, great!

Just what I've been waiting for!

My rocket launcher... !

Just like the CIA sells to hostile nations, under the table~

Very democratic of them to sell local fringe groups, as well.

[ FESTER NUZZLES HIS ROCKET LAUNCHER ]

Let 'er rip!

[ SHOOTS GRENADE ]

[ MORTICIA & GOMEZ CALMLY DODGE IT ]

Dear Fester~ He has so much fun playing with his toys.

I do believe it's his raison d'être.

[ GASP! ]

Tish, that's -- !

Fire in the hole!

Fire in the hole!!

[ SHOOTS ]

[ AGAIN, CALMLY DODGING ]

... French!

[ FESTER CACKLING AT DESTRUCTION ]

Ahhhhhh.... !

There goes the neighbourhood.

... again.

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

[ FOGHORN DOORBELL RINGS ]

[ LURCH OPENS DOOR ]

Where is Mr Addams!?

Your jacket?

No! ... [MUMBLES]

[ LURCH RIPS JACKET OFF GUEST'S BACK ]

... !

Actually, it is a little warm in here...

Ah, Mr and Mrs Fletcher!

I'll get my chequebook.

I'm afraid it's not that simple, Mr. Addams.

Sure it is.

Fester blows up your house.

I write you a cheque.

You rebuild it!

Isn't that the way we've always done it?

We thought we'd try a different approach this time.

Ohh, d'you want me to send a cheque directly to your contractor?

No.

We want you to cease and desist the operation

of deadly explosives in a residential zone.

Noo, really.

Ahh.

Mr and Mrs Fletcher, how lovely to see you again.

I'll get the chequebook.

Apparently, we're trying a different approach this time.

Oh?

Mr Addams, what we have here is a clear case.

Of reckless endangerment.

[ BASHFULLY ] Well...

I can't take all the credit.

Fester's the one you should be thanking!

Let me phrase it another way.

If you,

or any of your family members,

attacks my house, one more time... !

I'll take you to court!

And sue you for... !

... every single cent you have.

And we mean it, too!

Heh.

Ta-ta!

[ FLETCHERS LEAVE OUT THE DOOR ]

Fire in the hole!

Fire in the hole!

[ MISSILE ZOOMS OUT DOOR ]

[ FLETCHERS, AGHAST] .... !

..... aaaaaAHHHHHhh!!!

Must be one of those heat-seeking missiles.

[ BODY FALLS BACK IN THROUGH DOOR ]

[ EXECUTIONER ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF ! ]

"AN ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF WITCHES From Salem to Sabrina"

The book says I'm supposed to lower you into the water.

If you are a witch, you won't drown.

But I'm not a witch.

I know. [ LOWERING ROPE ]

[ PUGSLEY SCREAMING ]

Ouch.

Rope burn?

[ GOMEZ FLIPS THROUGH PAGES ]

You're the lawyer in the family.

Can they really deprive me of my alienable right to explode things?

Of course not.

Oops.

I don't like the sound of that.

Well, it does seem there is some silly little law about

detonating bombs in a residential area.

Why, that's terrible.

Surely there must be something we can do to prevent them from suing us.

Transfer our money into offshore accounts?

Look.

I don't want the family to go through a bitter lawsuit.

I'll just get rid of all my explosives.

Forever.

I'll have to learn to get by on these.

[ HOLDS UP TINY SPARKLERS ]

[ WEDNESDAY POKES A NEEDLE THROUGH THE EYE OF HER PUGSLEY DOLL ]

[ DOOR LOWERS SHUT ]

Why, Wednesday.

You're not your usual gloomy self, at all.

Pugsley's not a witch.

[ FLINGS PUGSLEY'S LAUNDRY INTO DRAWER ]

[ DOORS CLOSE BY THEMSELVES ]

Well, darling.

No one's perfect.

And he broke my dunking chair.

After all the hours, it took me to torture him into building it for me.

I'm sure he did it on purpose.

No, it was a total accident.

And now he must pay.

[ STABS ANOTHER NEEDLE INTO DOLL ]

How sweet.

[ STICKS NEEDLE ]

.... Ow!

[ FESTER CHANGES TV CHANNEL ]

Ow!

[ FLICKS CHANNEL ]

"All rise."

"Court is now back in session.

"The Honourable Judge Debbie Gilligan presiding."

"You may be seated."

Wow.

She's a goddess.

♪ ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS... ♪

Where is that music coming from?

[ RECORD SCRATCH -- ! ]

Sorry.

"Look, you lowlife."

"Pay the damages and don't let me see your pathetic face in here again."

[ POUNDS GRAVEL ]

"Case dismissed."

What a woman... !

Who, Judge Debbie?

That's not Judge Debbie.

That's the future Mrs Fester Addams!

[ WEDNESDAY STABS PUGSLEY DOLL ]

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

[ STAB ]

Ow!

[ STAB ]

[ ... STABS ]

Oh, no.

I'm losing my touch.

[ PULLS NEEDLE OUT ]

[ STAB STAB STAB STAB... ]

[ PUGSLEY GRINNING, IN NO PAIN ]

[ MORTICIA & GOMEZ BOW TOWARDS EACH OTHER ]

[ CLASP HANDS in DANCE ]

What sort of neighbours take away a man's explosives?

Next thing you know, they'll be telling us to cage in the alligators.

Poor Fester.

I've never seen him more depressed.

Morticia, I'm so happy I can hug a grizzly bear!

Although he does have the ability to bounce back from things.

I have the answer to all my problems!

Now, now, Fester.

Homicide is often punishable in this country.

Oh, sue me.

Better yet, let the Fletchers sue me.

Fester, I don't understand. You want the Fletchers to sue you?

Yes.

But, only on the Judge Debbie show.

She's the woman of my nightmares.

She wears a long black robe.

Screams at people all day long.

And bangs on stuff with a hammer!

She does sound charming.

Do you really think we should use the United States court system, as a dating service?

Of course!

Besides, we'll be defending Fester's right to bear explosives.

After all, this country was founded on the principle

that the common man must take a stand against injustice.

Oh, Gomez.

I love it when you pontificate.

[ GASP ]

Tish.

Was that French?

No.

[ GIANT US FLAG UNFURLS ]

Did Paul Revere stand idly by and allow taxation without representation?

[ OLD TIMEY GUY STARTS DRUMMING ]

No.

No.

Did Rosa Parks sit in the back of the bus?

No!

No!

Will Fester Addams triumph in court?

No!

No!

Can we take that one again?

Come on!

It's time to take a stand against tyranny.

Help me get lucky.

That, too.

[ GRANDMAMA YAWNS ]

Just out of curiosity.

What are we doing out here in the middle of the night?

We're here for a special ceremony.

Lurch?

[ PLAYS FLUTE ]

Four score and seven years ago,

our forefathers came upon this continent, yada yada yada...

My fellow Americans, I have lusted in my heart.

Yada, yada, yada...

Oh, here it is!

The right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Fester, go.

Pursue happiness.

You mean pursue Judge Debbie?

Fester, Fester, Fester, Fester, Fester, Fester, Fester, Fester, Fester... !

Fletchers!

Come and get me!

[ SHOOTS GRENADE LAUNCHER ]

[ GIANT EXPLOSION ]

We'll see you in court, Addams!

[ THE ADDAMS FAMILY CACKLE IN DELIGHT ]

Be careful, Thing.

You don't want to cut off any thorns by mistake.

Hello, Wednesday.

Mother.

Thing.

Where are you going, darling?

To take Pugsley to a level of pain he's never known before.

So that I may prove to myself,

that I'm still capable,

of instilling fear and panic,

into the depths of his very soul.

Well, have fun, darling.

I intend to.

[ SNIP ]

[ FLIPS THROUGH BOOK ]

Now, once more from the top.

Pro bono, habeas corpus, quid pro quo, ad hoc, ad nauseam.

Bravo!

But what does it mean?

Who cares?

Oh, who am I kidding?

I don't stand a chance with Judge Debbie.

She's a judge.

And a TV star.

She probably even has her own car.

Which is all the more reason why you should dazzle her with your legal expertise!

Now, repeat after me.

Non compos mentis.

Non compos mentis.

Darling, I believe it's time to go.

[ GLANCES AT POCKETWATCH ]

Why, you're absolutely right.

Should I invite the children to come with us to court?

I bet they haven't seen such mud-slinging since the last family reunion.

Actually, Wednesday's torturing Pugsley right now.

Better not to interrupt them,

when they're having fun.

[ GIANT ANVIL TIED TO CEILING... ]

Oh, Pugsley~

Could you come here for a second?

Coming...

[ WEDNESDAY HIDES CROSSBOW BEHIND HER BACK ]

[ PUGSLEY COMES DOWN STAIRS ]

[ WEDNESDAY AIMS CROSSBOW AT HIM ]

[ SHOOTS ARROW ]

[ PUGSLEY DUCKS ]

[ ARROW HITS ROPE ]

[ ROPE FALLS, ANVIL NEARLY HITS PUGSLEY ]

[ GRUNTS ]

Did you call me?

It's true.

I've lost the gift of torture...

Wednesday? What's wrong?

The Wednesday you've known and feared is no more.

I am merely a shell of my former self.

I know what will cheer you up.

Here, beat me senseless with this mace.

You don't understand.

I no longer have the power to inflict bodily harm.

Does this mean you'll never try to torture me again?

Consider yourself free.

Hurray!

[ TOSSES MACE FROM HAND TO HAND ]

... I'm bored now.

♪ COURTROOM MUSIC THEME ♪

'And now, step into the courtroom of Judge Debbie Gilligan.'

'Where it's not just the law.'

'It's Judge Debbie's law.'

At last!

I'm finally gonna have my day in court!

[ AUDIENCE MEMBER FAINTS ]

[ FESTER BATS LASHES, HOLDING STICKS OF DYNAMITE ]

[ FLETCHERS ENTER COURTROOM ]

'These are the plaintiffs, Lyle and Sylvia Fletcher.'

'They claim their neighbour, Fester Addams, continually blows up their house with powerful explosives.'

I can't believe you let them talk us into coming to this media circus.

Don't worry.

Judge Debbie will take one look at those psychos, and throw the book at them.

[ THE ADDAMS FAMILY ENTER ]

'This is the defendant, Fester Addams.'

'And... some other strange looking people.'

'Mr Addams says he's only exercising his right as an American citizen.'

'He also seems to have a bomb with him.'

All rise.

[ AUDIENCE RISES ]

Court is now in session. The Honourable Judge Debbie Gilligan presiding.

You may be seated.

Your Honour, this is case number 629 on the docket,

in the matter of Fletcher versus Addams.

[ UNDER HER BEATH, to the BAILIFF ] I thought we'd taped the Halloween episode six months ago.

We did, now.

So they just... look like that?

[ FLETCHERS GRIN ]

Apparently so, ma'am.

Okay.

[ PUTS GLASSES ON ]

Uh, which one of you is, uh, Fester Addams?

I am, your loneliness~

[ FESTER STARTS FLOATING with HEARTS BEHIND HIM ]

Where's that music coming from?

[ HEARTS POP! ]

... Sorry.

[ SITS DOWN ]

Flattery will get you nowhere in my courtroom, sir.

Will it, Fred?

No, ma'am.

Although I personally have always considered you a hottie.

Remind me to give you a raise.

[ FESTER and MORTICIA share a LOOK ]

[ LURCH PLAYS 'Chopsticks' on PIANO, badly]

[ THING and LURCH duet ]

[ LURCH SMACKS THING ]

[ SIGHS ]

[ PIANO being BEAUTIFULLY PLAYED... ]

[ THING DANCES ]

No thanks, Thing.

I don't feel like playing right now.

I'm a little sad.

[ LURCH CRACKS KNUCKLES ]

[ PIANO TRILL ]

[ LURCH PLAYS PIANO... ]

♪

[ PUGSLEY SINGS... ] ♪ Feeling kind of bad... ♪

♪ Can't make my sister mad... ♪

♪ And that's the most fun... I ever had~ ♪

[ PUGSLEY HUMS ] ♪

[ THING MAKES GESTURES ]

Hey, Thing, that's a great idea.

Come on, let's go!

[ PUGSLEY RUNS OFF EXCITEDLY ]

[ LURCH PLAYS PIANO JAUNTILY ] ♪

[ MR FLETCHER, POINTING at EVIDENCE ]

Let me see if I've got this straight.

This gentleman regularly detonates explosive charges,

sufficiently powerful to damage your house.

And then this gentleman compensates you for your losses.

That's correct, Your Honour.

Is this some kind of a joke?

Oh, no, Your Honour.

If this were a joke,

it would have a narrative set up,

followed by a humourous conclusion,

also known as a punchline,

combining the elements of the... !

[ JUDGE BANGS GRAVEL ]

Let's hear from you.

What do you have to say?

You look lovely in that robe.

Only mine is the...

You know, it's very similar to mine.

I meant about the case.

Oh, that.

Do you dispute the facts of the case, as set forth by the plaintiff?

... Huh?

Do you agree with what Mr. Fletcher said?

Oh, sure!

Like Gomez always says,

a man who doesn't tell the truth,

is like a horse with one leg missing.

He's an honest man, but a lousy poet.

How come this never happened to Judge Wopner?

[ LURCH PLAYING PIANO ] ♪

[ TAP, TAP, TAP, TAP... ]

... Ow!

That's okay, Thing.

I've got another [...]

[ SOUND of SAW being USED ]

[ LURCH RAISES EYEBROWS ]

So you have no out-of-pocket expenses?

Well...

N'yeah....

But we do have pain and suffering,

and a lot of dust.

We'd be happy to pay for that, Your Honour.

You will?

Of course.

Gomez never lies.

Unless he has a really good reason,

or he feels like it.

Then what are we doing here?

Fester wanted to ask you out.

I would have sent flowers,

but this seemed more...

... personal.

I object!

[ GRAVEL BANGS ]

Overruled, Mr Fletcher.

So, does that mean you'll go out with me?

Tempting as that proposition sounds.

I'm afraid it would be unethical for me to mix business with...

... fine dining.

Since the defendants have agreed,

to compensate the plaintiffs for all monetary losses,

as well as pain and suffering.

B - but, Your Honour... !

This man is a menace to society.

[ THE ADDAMS FAMILY SMILE ]

Look!

He actually brought,

a bomb into the court of...

[ TRIPS, HURLS BOMB into AIR ]

[ AUDIENCE MEMBERS FREAK OUT ]

[ EXPLOSION ]

[ COUGHING FROM FUMES ]

[ BANGS GRAVEL ]

Case dismissed.

[ PLANT ROOTS WALKING on their OWN... ]

[ MORTICIA STOPS THEM ]

[ MORTICIA WRANGLES PLANT into POT ]

Hmm.

I thought we could have our chocolate elk shakes out here.

It's such a nice, smoggy night.

Thank you, Mama.

Don't mention it.

[ GOMEZ, HOPPING on a POGO STICK... ]

Oh, look!

The Fletchers have put what's left of their house up for sale.

[ GOMEZ, HOPPING... ]

Oh, dear.

That's too bad.

They were the only neighbors who ever came over to visit.

[ GOMEZ HOPS INTO AIR... ! ]

... ahhhhhh!

I think Gomez decided to go inside.

[ GOMEZ CRASHES INTO, FALLS FROM ROOF ]

Wednesday?

[ OPENS UP CUPBOARD, WHERE WEDNESDAY IS HIDING ]

So...

This is where you've been hiding.

And where I will shrivel up and die.

[ THING SNAPPING and POINTING ]

What is it, Thing?

You and Pugsley have a surprise for Wednesday in the dungeon?

[ GOMEZ turns to LOOK at WEDNESDAY ]

[ THING, RACES down the HALL ]

[ MORTICIA FOLLOWS, DOWN the STAIRS ]

[ WEDNESDAY and GOMEZ COME DOWN THE HALL... ]

Surprise... !

My dunking chair.

Thing and I fixed it. It's no fun around here when you're nice to me.

But what if it doesn't work?

I've lost my touch.

[ RAPIDLY LOOSENING ROPE ]

[ PUGSLEY, SCREAMING ]

I'm cured.

I can torture again.

I love happy endings.

Who's next?

[ TAPE of JUDGE DEBBIE episode PLAYS ]

[ POUNDS GRAVEL ]

"Case dismissed."

I hate how the camera only adds ten pounds.

Anybody want to watch it again!?

No!

Ten times is quite enough of one evening.

Sorry, things didn't work out between you and Judge Debbie.

Me, too.

I guess I'm just not cut out to be the husband of a career woman.

I'm too high maintenance.

Look, it's Rosie O'Donnell.

[ HEARTS appear behind FESTER... ]

I've never realized how beautiful she is...

[ GOMEZ RIPS REMOTE AWAY ]

[ FESTER CROSSES ARMS and POUTS ]

Awoooooo... !