Original subtitles

So this is the place.

1313 Cemetery Lane.

Home of the Addamses.

Let's deliver some mail.

Child's play.

Next try.

Ohhhh. Well, aren't you cute?

Where's your mommy?

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

So you see, Pugsley,

Benedict Arnold was both a traitor,

and an opportunist.

You've got to admire his ability to juggle both jobs.

Hey, Pugsley, Gomez.

Wanna try out my new dynamite caps?

They're supposed to be defective.

Uh, not now, Fester.

I'm helping Pugsley study for his history exam tomorrow.

Yeah, we're learning about the American Revolution.

The American Revolution!?

Well, I'm an expert on revolution!

It was a cold and stormy Christmas Eve,

when Washington crossed the mighty Delaware.

Washington screamed,

"You'll never take me alive,

you tea-sipping, Spice Girl-loving,

spineless fish and drips!

Take that!

And that!

And that!

Uhhh.

Fester.

I think Pugsley and I have this under control.

Uh, why don't you go see what Morticia's doing?

Fine,

I know what I'm not wanted.

[ cat meows ]

Not you again.

Something's not quite right about this statue.

Ahh.

Much better, don't you think?

Wednesday, is everything alright?

Mother, I'm being stalked.

Why, that's wonderful.

By a cat.

Hm.

Hey, Wednesday. Morticia.

Wanna help me blow up the new bridge?

Perhaps a little later,

Wednesday and I are having a private girls' talk.

Fine.

I was just about to leave, anyway.

Look! The cat.

I don't see anything.

I don't suppose you want to help me explode things, either.

Oh, I can't.

It's my turn to cook for the Coven, tonight.

Nobody ever has time for me.

Gomez and Morticia are always busy with the kids.

The kids are always wasting time with homework, or whatever.

And you're always busy slaving over a steaming cauldron.

I feel so unwanted.

Oh, Fester.

Of course you're wanted.

Really?

Yes.

Now beat it, I'm busy!

I just wanna help!

Please!

I don't need your help.

From now on,

you stay out of my kitchen.

Fine.

Treat me like the pariah that I am!

Alone, again.

Naturally!

I might as well become one of those

pizza-eating, soda-guzzling coach potatoes

whose best friend is a portable TV set.

"Are you tired of your humdrum life?"

You said it.

"Want to go where the action is?"

"Blow a border town to dangerous locales,

and risk your life in mortal combat for trumped up political reasons?"

Where is this slice of heaven?

"Then the Global Mercenaries want you."

Finally.

Somebody wants me!

Global Mercenaries?

Here I come.

Oww.

Well, look at the quivering mass of weeds that just walked in.

Fester Addams, reporting for duty!

Really?

You think you're got what it takes to be a Global Mercenary!?

Just try me.

But I just saw the cat.

She's hiding over there.

Come on, I'll prove it to you.

Maybe I did imagine the whole thing.

Pugsley, wake up.

Huh?

The cat's stalking me again.

Look!

Quit imagining things!

Our little Wednesday being stalked by a cat!

I remember my first stalker.

The way he lurked in the shadows,

trailing me with those beady little eyes.

Gomez,

that was Fester.

Ooh.

Darling, don't you think it's odd,

that only Wednesday has seen the cat?

Well, now that you mentioned it...

Obsessive compulsive...

Wednesday is suffering from Harveyitis?

Harveyitis is a common condition

in which the patient conjures up an imaginary animal

or animal stalker,

in hopes of soliciting attention.

So rather than expressing a need for more quality time,

our Wednesday has developed a delusional psychosis.

Does that child ever disappoint?

It's says here, we should humor Wednesday.

If we accept that the cat is stalking her,

she'll tire of the delusion.

And the cat will disappear.

Sounds completely illogical.

Let's do it!

A Global Mercenary thrives on surviving the harrowing pain of enemy torture.

Lives!!!

... to go back for more!

And you're gonna pay me for this, too?

What we have here

is the dreaded Dalmanian Drowning Tank!

I told you that that piranha's scary, huh?!

Fear...

... just makes ot hungry!!

Piranha's?

Torture and a free lunch~!

Woohoo!

Cannonball~!

It's been an hour.

I hope he doesn't need his toes.

Recruit, ten-hut!

The central nervous system must have shut down.

Maybe this will wake him up.

Hey!

I don't wake you up when you're sleeping.

On second thought,

do it again!

An ultra high-powered torture tank.

Interesting~

You may not want to lean against the walls.

Those steam jets can burn through steel in a matter of seconds.

You guys think of everything.

The searing heat and deadly dehydration?

He won't last ten minutes.

Hahaha!

Nah.

He's tough.

I said we take a 20.

Oh.

Wow!

A weight loss program that's easy and fun!

I hope Wednesday likes the toys we bought her kitty.

I do believe this toy is saturated in catnip.

Morticia.

I just found out that cantnip drives me wild... !

There you are, Wednesday!

We got some playthings for your feline friend.

What's this?

What's that, kitty?

Go!

Oh, I hope her claws are sharp.

I'd hate for her not to rip up the upholstery.

Wonder if she likes mice.

Jump high, kitty!

Jump higher if you want to catch the mouse!

Seek.

Help.

Oh dear.

I don't think that would will.

Congratulations.

You passed with flying colors.

Fester Addams.

Welcome to the Global Mercenaries.

We know you make us proud.

I guess all we can do is give Wednesday time

in the hopes that this cat will disappear on its own.

You're absolutely right, Tish.

Why we Adams have always been very supportive of one another's aberrant behavior.

Fester.

Why on Earth are you wearing that ridiculous uniform?

I've joined the Global Mercenaries.

I'm now one of the few.

The proud.

The trigger happy.

Fester, whatever would possess you to join such an organization?

They wanted me.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to go prepare to shove off.

I leave tomorrow for a three month tour.

Darling.

Do you think Fester could be bluffing about joining the Global Mercenaries to get our attention?

Perhaps.

After all, a Global Mercenary has to endure brutal enemy torture~!

Shark infested waters.

And the constant threat of enemy ambush.

Oh.

On second thought,

he's going.

I wonder why Fester thinks we don't want him anymore?

He did say something about feeling like a pariah the other day.

When I,

picked him out of the kitchen/

Funny, he expressed the same sentiment to me

when I threw him out of the children's room.

And I insisted he leave during my heart-to-heart with Wednesday!

Oh dear, no wonder the poor thing feels unwanted!

Maybe if we show Fester,

how much he's needed around here,

he'll decide to stay.

Well,

it's worth a shot.

All I have to do is backhand spring out the window,

grab onto the ledge and have Fester pull me safely inside!

Snatching me from the jaws of death...

Brilliant, darling~

[ singing ]

Pugsley said you wanted to see me!

Uhh, yes. Yes, I did.

My back's a little stiff,

so I was hoping you could, uhh,

spot me on a couple of backhand springs.

Oh, okay.

Oh, Fester!

Help!

Help, Fester!

Don't worry, Gomez.

I'll save you!

See?

Safe and sound.

... aaaaaaahhhh!

Like my new commando watch?

It goes off every time the government deploys a cruise missile.

Woe is me~!

Oooh...

Oh whoa-ho...

Hey, Morticia.

Nice night if it would rain.

Oh, Fester, I'm filled with despair.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm devoid of artistic talent.

And therefore must burn all the paintings

that I had once driven so hard to create.

Bummer.

If only, someone, could offer me a little encouragement.

Oh, well.

But, no.

My landscapes, my portraits, all will go up in flames,

unless someone, anyone offers me a ray of hope,

and convinces me that I have at least one iota of talent...

Let me help.

[ PULLS GRENADE TAB ]

[ GASP ]

[ EXPLOSION ]

My paintings... !

Don't mention it.

[ WHIMPERS ]

Wednesday.

What are you doing out here, while Pugsley's inside, all safe and sound?

Sulking.

Good girl.

Not that you need a reason, but

why are you sulking?

Because I'm being stalked by a cat and no one believes me.

I believe you?

You do?

Of course!

Thanks, Uncle Fester.

I don't know what I'm going to do without you.

Really?

[ LIGHTNING CRASHES ]

Wednesday?

Is that cat of yours happen to be pitch black?

Yes?

Well, there it is.

Let's go get it!

Our suspect has re-entered the cemetery.

It's time to pull out the heavy artillery.

[ PEELS OPEN CAT FOOD TIN ]

Quick!

Run for cover.

Suspect is in range and approaching target.

Do you copy?

Roger.

Now I've got you, Cat.

Mission accomplished.

So, Black Cat, we meet again.

[ MEOWS ]

Tish!

Look!

[ MEOWS ]

Why, there really is a cat.

[ MEOWS ]

And you didn't believe me.

Wednesday, we feel terrible.

Can you ever forgive us for doubting you?

Well, just so you feel bad.

Don't worry, this cat won't bother you anymore.

We'll find a good home for her far, far away.

No!

I'll take care of her.

I mean.

I'll take care of her.

[ MEOWS ]

Well, old man, I guess there's no point in asking you to stay.

Well...

If the Global Mercenaries need you more than we do...

Don't worry about us.

We'll be just fine.

Fine?

Are you nuts?

Gomez, Morticia, with all due respect,

this family would fall apart without me here.

I know, but...

... we'll manage.

Somehow?

No.

Who's gonna pull you to safety when you fall out of a window?

Who's gonna help you through your next career crisis?

What about Wednesday and catching her animal stalkers?

What about Pugsley and his tutoring?

Why, this family's in dire straits.

I couldn't leave you now for anything.

Not to mention, Cousin Itt.

Who's gonna help him with his split ends?

And what about Thing and his manicures?

And Grandmama!

Who's gonna help Grandmama in the kitchen?

And Lurch?

I sure hope Great Aunt Keith doesn't mind us turning her

tombstone into a scratching post for Wednesday's cat.

Not at all.

Why, Cat Lady Keith always had a fondness for animals.

Even after she choked to death on that furball.

[ ALARM BEEPS ]

Well, time to shove off.

It's so nice of the Mercenaries to adopt you as their mascot,

so you can go on some of their more dangerous missions.

They even gave me this new secret weapon to play with.

In case of enemy capture, I'm supposed to press this button.

[ BEEP ]

[ BEEP ]

[ BEEP... ! ]

[ BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP... ]

Oops.

Sorry.

[ EXPLOSION ]

Wow, what a blast.

Awoooo... !