Original subtitles

The key to whacking atoms is in the strategy.

The only way to outwit your opponent,

is to anticipate this every move.

And react with razor sharp precision and lightning speed.

Ready?

Ready.

Alright, little lady, step right up and take a whack right at it~!

On your mark, get set, go!

Over here!

Missed me!

Try over there!

Hey, that the best you got?

Hey, go for it!

Hey, it's my turn!

No, it's my turn!

It's my turn!

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

Fester.

Fester!

Sorry.

Sorry.

If razor sharp delivery and lightning speed don't work,

cheat!

Thank you, darling.

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

Hi!

Um, sorry to bother you. My name's Elsa.

I'm the Petersons' new housekeeper.

I'm...

Luh...

Luh...

Mr Loo-luh?

Anyway, I was wondering if I could use your phone.

We just moved in and ours isn't working, yet.

[ grunts ]

Is that a "yes" or a "no"?

[ grunts in affirmation ]

So, Mr. Lele.

The phone?

[ grunts ]

Maybe I better come back later.

This! ... beats everything.

What is it, Mama?

The Department of Witchcraft says my license has expired,

and if I want it renewed,

I have to take a test!

I'm sure you'll pass with flying colours~

Oh, I wouldn't be so sure, Gomez.

No?

No, it's not like it was in the old days.

Oh?

No, back then,

they used to either dunk you in a lake,

or burn you at the stake!

And today?

Today, you have to study.

And if I were you,

I'd hit the books, right now.

I'm sure I have my old crib notes, somewhere...

Somewhere...

Boil, boil...

Toil and trouble...

Lurch, I thought perhaps some sludge, might help the dust stick.

[ grunts ]

Lurch.

Are those hearts I see?

Look at all the furniture!

There's hearts etched in the dust.

Lurch, I do believe you have a lady love.

Sounds like someone's pulling on those heartstrings~!

Who's the unlucky girl?

Elsa.

Have you asked her out yet?

[ grunts ]

Too shy.

Don't be ridiculous, Lurch!

What you need is a few pointers, from someone who really understands women!

In the meantime, maybe Fester can help.

[ groans ]

You know what they say?

Every girl's crazy about a sharp-dressed man.

And what woman can resist the stench of eau de river rot?

Now!

Repeat after me.

Hey, baby!

How'd you like to catch an autopsy with me at the morgue?

Hey, baby.

I'm in the morgue.

No, no, no.

Let's, let's try something simpler.

Ah. Uh.

I know.

My shackles, or yours?

My.

My.

... My.

Oh, lurch.

You gotta pay attention!

I'm not gonna be there with you when you ask her out.

Hiding behind the door.

Telling you what to say, word for word.

Why not?

Because that would be underhanded,

deceitful,

and likely to backfire in our faces,

in a very predictable fashion.

Let's do it!

She's here.

She's here!

She's here!

Come on, Lurch. Come on. Now don't chicken out, now!

You got everything under control.

It's just as we planned, okay?

You can do it, big guy.

I'll be hiding right over here, if you need me.

Open the door!

Go ahead!

Hi, Lurch.

I got a message that you wanted to see me about something?

For you.

Lurch!

Tell her you're nuts about her!

I'm...

I'm nuts.

Apparently!

Ask her out.

Ask her out... !

Will.

Will.

Will you...

Will.

Will you go out with me on Saturday night?

You're asking me out?

Gee.

My mrother said no one would ever ask me out!

No, not me.

Yes! I would love to go out with you.

What's your name again?

Excuse me.

Oh, Lurch... !

I can't believe it.

Are we eating steak TV dinners, again!?

Oh, Mama. She just hasn't had time to cook.

Besides, she needs the kitchen to study for her Witch's License.

Well, at least we're eating on a moving elevator, so it makes us nauseous.

Lurch, more cold claw, please.

Ow.

Sorry.

Not!

How many times do I have to tell you?

It's not my fault that Elsa threw herself at me.

Please don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Fester, Lurch, why don't you explain the misunderstanding to Elsa?

[ grunts ]

Lurch is right.

Even if she was out with him, she'd only be wishing she was out with me.

If only Elsa could see the horrendous mistake

she's making by choosing Fester over Lurch!

How stupid, how, how irrational, how...

Well.

You get the idea.

That's it!

I'll take Elsa on a date,

to a fancy French restaurant.

I'll behave so badly,

that she'll go running into Lurch's arms.

Now, what's the last ingredient you need to turn Thing into a hedgehog?

Relax, Thing. It's only temporary.

Maybe.

Oh, come on.

Give me a hint.

Grandmama, I can't help you.

You have to learn to do this on your own, or you won't pass your witches' test.

Right.

Now... let's see if this des it.

Oh!

I think I got it right this time... !

Hedgehog, my foot!

Oh.

Sorry, Thing.

It'll wear off in a couple of hours.

Now, remember, Lurch.

Just because this is your only chance

to woo the woman of your dreams,

is no reason to be nervous!

Gomez and I will be there to keep you company, while Fester is busy repulsing Elsa~

Mama?

Are you sure you won't come with us?

You know what they say, the more the scarier~

Oh, I would.

But my witch's test still starts tonight.

Good luck.

I'm sure it'll be a gut-wrenching experience.

Thanks, Morticia.

Better go now.

Gomez!

Fester, that suit is ghastly!

I know.

Look what I brought for Elsa.

A corsage.

What woman wouldn't hate this?

I love it!

Nobody's ever given me a corsage, before!

Or anything else, for that matter.

And that suit you're wearing.

It's so bold!

Would anyone care for an appetizer?

Or perhaps directions to ze exit?

[ grunts grumpily ]

Actually, I was thinking of having the escargot.

Tish, that's French!

Hmm.

Or perhaps the bouillabaisse...

Good evening, ma'am.

I'm Elvira.

This is Tabitha.

We're with the Department of Witchcraft.

Eudora Adams?

I'll go get her.

I don't think so.

May I get you both some witch's brew?

We don't drink on duty, ma'am.

Too bad.

Shall we begin?

Filet mignon...

Steak tartare...

Escalopes au jus...

Morticia, please, don't stop now!

Darling, I read all the entrées.

Entrées?

That's French, too.

So, uh. Elsa.

What is it you look for in a man?

Well, someone who's charming.

I'm... bored...

And intelligence!

And most of all,

someone who's got a great sense of humour,

like you.

... slides by the reindeer.

She's gonna have to nail her parallel parking.

Gee whiz!

That...

... tombstone was ...

... kinda hard to see with all that,

cloud cover.

Mitigating circumstances are no excuse, ma'am.

You failed your parking test.

Fester, hold my hand.

Elsa, please!

Don't touch the merchandise.

Sorry.

Look, Elsa.

You're nice and everything.

So you do like me!

I knew it!

Darn, why do I have to be so debonair!?

... flambée.

You call that a flambé!

[ Morticia murmuring French entreés ]

Now that's a flambé!

Can I keep these handcuffs?

Fester! I'll wait for you~!

In 30 words or less, summon...

... Vlad Addams, the Earl of Vice.

Oh, gremlin...

Oh, vixen...

Oh, Spirit...

Not nice.

I command you, deliver the mad Earl of Vice~!

I'm sorry.

Did you say,

Earl of Vice,

or Mice?

Poor Lurch.

I believe his heart is broken.

We could always dig him up a new one.

I tried my best.

It only Elsa weren't so crazy about me.

If only Lurch weren't so crazy about Elsa.

I know what we need.

If only there was a potion,

that would make Elsa repulsive to Lurch!

Mama!

Have you got one of those?

Are you kidding?

Do you know how hard it is to make a Hate Potion?

It involves over 60 ingredients.

Why, it's...

It's...

... It's just the thing I need to pass my witch test!

She loves me not.

She loves me.

Well, at least he's breaking the fine china.

Poor Lurch.

I do hope Mama's potion will cure his desire for Elsa.

Speaking of desire...

She loves me not.

Cara mia...

Ta-da~!

Here it is.

Hate Potion 99.

Wait till the Department of Witchcraft sees this!

When I drench Elsa in this stuff,

Lurch won't want to touch her with a ten-foot pole.

Excuse me.

Elsa?

Fester Addams.

I was wondering if you'd like to come over for a...

... spritzer.

I'll get it.

I'll get it, Lurch.

Gee, Fester.

I'm so glad you called.

Me too.

What're you doing!?

Wait, right here.

What do you think of Elsa, now?

Beautiful.

What?

Lurch, you're right...

Will you marry me?

Fester!

Oh, this is so sudden.

She's mine.

Mine.

Fester?

Lurch?

Instead of alarming,

I made her charming.

Fester!

Lurch!

You shouldn't be fighting over this woman.

Darling...

Where have you been all my life?

Oh!

No, you don't!

Don't... go...

Stop it!

Please stay...

Mon cher!

Be my love!

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

As a witch,

I'm a failure.

Ma'am, we regret to inform you that based on your score, we cannot renew your license.

Unless, of course, you can concoct a potion worthy of 100 points.

Well?

Look.

I tried the best I could.

And I...

I...

... have it right here.

Sorry, I'm late.

This is my grandmother's most secret potion.

With this, she can awaken spirits from the beginning of time.

Right?

Right.

R-right... !

From the "beginning of time", please.

I think this test is over.

Didn't you say you were supposed to throw it over your shoulder?

... Of course!

Stop the spirits all now!

Help!

Please... !

Oh! Sorry...

Sometimes,

I don't know my own strength... !

Thank you.

You're welcome.

What's the point in having Pandora's Box unless you open it once in a while?

For your license, smile!

Lurch, we're so sorry things didn't work out with Elsa.

Better luck next time, old boy.

Thanks for trying.

Hey, anyone who'd let a catch like you get away isn't worth it.

Besides,

dating's for the vultures.

We're never gonna let another woman come between us.

Right, Lurch?

[ grunts approvingly ]

Hand.

Hand... !

I'm Betsy.

I am the neighbour's new nanny.

You haven't seen a little boy and a girl around,

five or whatever have you.

I seem to have misplaced them.

Wow.

She's cute and irresponsible.

Ah, there's nothing like a love to enrage the savage beasts...

Awooo... !