Original subtitles

The first headstone on the right....

And...

... through the hoop.

And if your noble effort fails?

Humiliation,

degradation,

and the crawling agony of defeat.

Hmm.

That sounds delightful.

No wonder you like to lose.

And now to warm up the mallet.

As always, the true artist, even in Croquet.

Croquet?

Tish! That's French!

[ frantic gurgling ]

[ disoriented gurgling ]

Say some more.

Anything!

Moulin Rouge!

Champs-Élysées!

Sac à papier!

Gomez, darling.

Are you alright?

Gomez.

Who's Gomez?

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

You're Gomez.

I'm Gomez?

Gomez Addams.

If you say so, lady.

Oh, you poor dear.

That blow to your head must have affected your memory.

Huh?

And your speech pattern.

You never should have seen Rocky's 1 through 4, last night.

Please, lady, what are yuh doin'? We just met!

But I'm Morticia, your wife.

My wife?

Excuse me, just a little bit.

I do not remember being married.

You don't remember being Gomez.

Oh, if you're gonna nitpick!

Darling.

Why don't we go inside,

out of all this fresh air?

In there?

Oh, no!

Not me.

That house should be condemned.

It has been.

Five times.

Ow, ow now, ow.

This fire trap goes on forever.

How many rooms does it have?

Twenty-six.

Make that twenty-seven.

Fester keeps making impromptu additions with his cannon.

Cannon?

Some contractor.

Speaking of additions,

we've got two of our own.

Wednesday and Pugsley, our children.

Huh?

Perhaps our loving children will up jog your memory.

Hey, hey, hey, what the heck is goin' on here?

That's no way to play, little lady.

The chunky kid could get hurt!

That's the point.

"That's the point"?

Come.

"That's the point"!? "That's the"...

These are our kids?

Ow, ow now, ow, ow.

We've got to do something about these kids of ours.

Come on, hon. Walk with me. Talk with me.

They look like they've never seen the light o' day!

Not if I can help it.

They need fresh air.

They need team sports.

Darling, don't you think such punishment is a bit harsh?

You leave it to me.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

I gotta fix that thing before somebody gets hurt.

Geez,

will you get a load of all this junk?

For crying out loud.

This place is like a dungeon.

What the heck was that?

I've done it!

I've perfected the exploding life raft.

Guaranteed to be unsafe.

Are you the one who's been doing all the explosions around here?

Of course, who else?

What's the matter with you?

You can't be going around exploding things.

You need a permit for that.

A permit?

And what about the kids?

Oh, I never blow them up.

I'd miss them.

That's not what I mean.

What's the matter with you?

Who are you, anyway?

That's what I thought.

I'm your brother, Fester.

My brother?!

Did you...

Did you say "my brother"?

You're my brother?

There's no chance we was adopted, is there?

I've called you all here to discuss a very serious matter.

As you've probably already noticed,

Gomez is...

Well...

No longer a productive member of this family.

Wednesday!

I prefer to think of him as irreversibly demented.

Thing.

Actually.

What Gomez has, is amnesia.

Morticia's right.

Amnesia is a serious condition.

We all better do exactly what he says,

until we can figure out a cure.

I'm afraid we're going to have to humour him until his memory returns.

Lurch.

Remember, humour him.

Yes, Mother.

Kitten.

Puggers.

Anyone up for a nice game o' baseball?

Come out, come out, wherever you are~

Look at the little dolly.

Little bit o' duct tape'll fix you right up.

Forget about it, this place is like a death trap!

Are you growling at me?

Are you growling at me?!

You must be growling at me. There's nobody else here, you growling at me!?

You want a piece of me?!

Come on!

What did I tell you?

What did I tell you?

Don't growl at me!

That does it.

I'm gonna renovate this place, if it's the last thing I do.

Gomez, darling.

Yeah, Morty?

Oh, no, a nickname...

I was wondering if you've seen Cousin Itt?

His new comb just arrived.

Cousin who?

You remember Cousin Itt?

Hair down to here, a hat?

Don't ring a bell, Mo'.

... "Mo"?

[ gurgling ]

[ gurgling ]

[ gurgling ]

Cousin Itt?

[ gurgles ]

You poor dear!

Gomez... [ gurgles ]

Gomez chained you up?

He thought you were a dog?

[ fondly gurgles ]

I don't care if you were enjoying it.

It's not right.

[ gurgles ]

That's absolutely right, Cousin Itt.

Something does have to be done about Gomez.

But, what?

[ gurgles ]

Oh!

First thing we do is fix that trap door.

And then I'm gonna disable that dumbwaiter.

And then...

I'm going to rip out that train set and put in a big screen TV.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Faster, what do you think you're doin'?

You can't be an electrical outlet

unless you get properly insulated.

Iffen that, you need a permit.

Again with the permits!

First you tell me I can't blow anything up.

Then I can't be a fire hazard.

Next thing you know, you're going to tell me I can't take pot shots with my cannon!

Oh, uh...

Speaking of the cannon...

My cannon!

You filled it with cement!

We also had the fuse removed.

I told you you needed a permit.

Ahh, Lurch!

Just the man I'm looking for.

We got to go clean out the backyard.

You know, there's a cemetery back there?

That's going to kill your resale value.

Lurch, come on, let me see a smile on that face o' yours!

Come on, Lurchy, like this!

Come on, do it for the ol' Gomeister, huh?

Atta boy!

I distinctly heard the sound of someone's face breaking.

Oh, dear.

Hiya, Morty.

Come on, Lurch. We got to go clean out the cemetery while we still got the sun.

Thing?

He said you couldn't run around the house naked?

Now, Thing. I know it's humiliating,

but we've got to humour him.

I promise, this is only for a little while.

Besides, things couldn't possibly get any worse.

Morty!

I almost forgot.

Look what I picked up for you at the mall.

Morty, lemme take a look at you~

Come on, you cunning little vixxie, lemme...

Ohhh.

That's the look... !

It says, you're young,

vibrant,

and unfeminine.

It also says a few other things.

Most of them unrepeatable.

Huh?

It's très chic.

"Tray" what?

Oh!

Now no facial expressions,

for three weeks.

It's just not as satisfying as the real thing!

Morticia... !

Houston,

we have a problem.

Oh, Morticia... !

Oh, thank goodness you're not a child,

or you'd be scarred for life.

I'm not even wearing it,

and I'm scarred.

Is Gomez behind this?

Naturally.

Mama, you've got to find a cure before he destroys this family!

Hmm...

Follow me!

Baseball!

And what better way for a father to bond with his kids?

Than by playing America's favorite pastime?

Baseball!

Are you going to hit Pugsley with that?

No, of course not, kitten.

Can I?

No!

Okay.

Forget the bat.

We'll play catch.

Come on, Puggers.

I'll throw you the ball.

You catch it.

Is that ball gonna explode?

No.

Then where's the fun?

I think I have just the cure for our little problem.

Where?

There's the answer.

"When amnesia is brought on by a blow to the head,"

"it can, on occasion,"

"be cured by a blow, similar to that"

"which caused the ailment."

Great!

Let me at 'im!

Actually, Fester, striking him too hard

can cause permanent brain damage.

What's your point?

I think it's best,

if someone with a little...

... self-control, should deliver the recovering blow.

Don't look at me.

I can't hit

my own son.

Then let me.

I'll take him outside... !

Quiet.

We're concentrating.

Lurch?

Can't.

Boss.

I just don't know if I could bring myself to strike Gomez, either.

A mother knows her son's skull,

better than anyone.

Mister.

Addams.

Goodbye, Mr. Fix It!

Hello, Gomez~!

I could never harm Gomez.

Unless, of course, he asked me to.

Then again.

Forgive me, Gomez,

for what I'm about to do.

That's more like it!

Perfectly dull.

Just like that kid, Fester.

Now all I gotta do...

... is take the nails out of this bed.

What the heck was that?

There's nothing like the joys of makin' home repairs, yourself!

Oh, Gomez, this is going to hurt you a lot more than it's going to hurt me.

But I do it out of love!

Oh!

Morty! My little fix-it girl.

That's just what I needed!

Why, this trap door's gonna be out of commission in no time!

That's wonderful, dearest.

We wouldn't want anyone falling and hitting their head.

You say some'n, Morty?

No.

A wall which moves up and down defeats its own purpose!

This will stop it.

Oh, Gomez, if only you were well.

I summon the power of my love

to bring my Gomez back to me.

Morticia?

Gomez?

Morticia!

What are you doing wearing those ghastly clothes?

Quick, change before you frighten the children!

Oh, Gomez, you're back.

It is la force de l'amour~

Tish!

You spoke French.

Haaa, querida.

Uhh, querida?

Say no more.

I'll be right back after I put on something a little more...

... uncomfortable?

What was she wearing?!

A thousand demons,

what am I wearing?!

This shirt?

This... this footwear?!

This barbaric chapeau!

"Chapeau", that's French!

Mission accomplished.

Fester?

Morticia?

Gomez is cured~

How do you know?!

How do I know?

Why, I cured him, with the power of my love.

I thought I cured him with the power of my club.

It's about time I taught you a few tricks.

[ questioning gurgle ]

Come on, you hairy mutt.

"Hairy mutt"?!

[ gurgles ]

And the first lesson here you understand, is to sit.

Ah?

So sit.

Sit.

[ gurgles ]

What's the matter? You don't understand English?

Sit!

You gotta sit... !

Lesston two.

Jump for the ball.

Alright?

You ready?

Jump for the ball.

Jump for the ball.

Jump for the ball.

Jump for the ball.

Come on.

Jump for the ball, jump for the ball!

Like this.

I'm gonna show you how you make the ball like this.

I'm going to go like this, I'm gonna go ahhhh!

Lesson t'ree.

Fetch the ball.

Alright?

You understand?

Chase the bone.

You understand? It's just a bone.

[ gurgles ]

Fetch the ball.

One!

Two!

[ gurgles ]

Three!

Three!

[ gurgles ]

Fetch the ball.

Good boy.

That's a good boy! Good boy, good boy!

[ gurgles determinedly ]

No, bad thing!

Bad boy, bad boy, bad boy... !

[ gurgles ]

[ gurgles ]

[ angry, decisive gurgling ]

Gomez!

Oh, dearest, are you alright?

Huh?

Oh.

Cara...

I have the worst headache!

Feels good.

Oh, Gomez, you're back!

I don't know where I've been, but I should go way more often.

Fester!

Look who's back?

It's Gomez.

Fester, old man, you're scaring me.

Don't tell me you've taken up baseball.

Gomez.

You're you!

Welcome back, mon cher.

Cara mia...

I can't wait to tell the kids you're back!

I can't wait to tell the kids you're back.

'Ey, kids!

Yo, kids!

"Are you lookin' at me, you mook?"

"You can't go and explode things around here without a permit?"

"Forget about it."

"What'sa matter with you?"

Uncle Fester.

Oops.

Ready for Operation: Fish Food, kids?

Ready!

Here you go.

Now,

let's get rid of these disgusting clothes.

Pugsley.

Maybe you better dive in there, and make sure we destroyed all the evidence.

Tish.

Can you ever forgive me for what I put the family through?

Darling, there's no need to apologize.

Why, a severe blow to the head could give anyone amnesia.

Right, Fester?

Fester?

Who's Fester?

Ha ha!

Awooo... !