Original subtitles

Gomez, darling?

Are you ready?

Ready.

Let the games begin!

Let's do this.

34 seconds.

Why, Gomez broke his previous record.

And a few bones, from the sound of it.

Dear Gomez.

He just gets more brittle with age.

Lucky guy.

I do hope he does well in the Transylvania Decathlon.

He will.

Gomez is in excellent shape.

It's hard jumping over hurdles.

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

Gomez.

I don't recall Karate being an event in the Transylvania Decathlon.

It's not!

But I couldn't resist some bone-splitting pain.

Now watch,

as I break these blocks in half,

with one chop!

Girly man, I can break more.

Gomez, Fester.

Don't forget Cousin Melancholia and her fiancé Mr. Hanson will be here soon.

Great.

I hope this fiancé leave behind some silverware.

Fester, Melancholia doesn't always date thieves and crooks.

True.

She usually dates men who are only after her money.

Nevertheless, I think we should keep an open mind when meeting Melancholia's new beau.

For you, Tish,

anything.

Eh, alright.

I'll give the deadbeat a chance.

Ready?

Ready!

Haiiiiiiii... ya!

May I?

Oh, sure, after we got them warmed up for you.

That must be Cousin Melancholia.

We're here!

Oh, Morticia!

Melancholia!

Oh, it's so wonderful to see you!

Morticia, Gomez, Fester,

I want you to meet my new fiancé,

Digby.

It's nice to finally meet you.

Likewise.

Welcome to our home.

And remember,

we know where everything is.

Morticia, Digby has made me

the most maudlin woman, alive!

Oh.

And you have taken me to new depths of depression, my sweet.

Some people should learn to control their affections in public.

So true.

Mon cher...

So after I sailed around the world...

Solo!

I, uh, I attended Yale.

And he played soccer!

And I was voted the...

... most hostile player.

I like a man who doesn't play well with others.

Oh, thank you.

Uh-oh.

I gotta keep my pace up if I'm gonna win the Decathalon...

So, where did you two meet?

At a party?

Through friends?

In a gullible heiress chatroom!?

Fester!

So,

where did you meet?

Actually, it was a lonely hearts group.

For the "undateable".

If you're so successful...

Why do you need a lonely hearts club?!

Answer me!

Answer me!

Answer me!

Fester!

Why were you at a lonely hearts club?

Looking for...

The love of my life?

Oh!

Actually, I, I, I must take this call.

I knew that gold digger was up to no good.

It was up to me to find out.

Fester!

Uh.

Excuse me.

I got a bomb in the dungeon.

Fester!

No spying.

Aw, but Morti...

Mortic... !

I bet my last dead bat, that Digby was up to no good.

So, it was up to me the famous detective, Fester Addams,

to bust the case wide open.

"Hello?"

Evey, hi, we're all set.

So, I'll meet you on Thursday with the money.

"Are you sure Melancholia doesn't suspect anything?"

I'm positive, but listen.

Leave a message on my home machine

next time, it's too risky to call me here.

I knew it.

Wh-what? D-did you say something?

If you're trying to make a call,

please hang up and try your call again.

This is a recording.

I'll, I'll talk to you later.

That's it!

Break it up!

This is an emergency!

It's Digby.

He's a scam artist.

A fraud.

A dirty, rotten scoundrel.

You don't have to sell him on me.

You're not listening.

I heard him on the phone talking to the other woman.

Fester, I told you not to eavesdrop.

Morticia's right.

And?

They're planning on taking off together Thursday

after he steals all of Melancholia's money.

I don't believe it.

How can anyone be so good at pretending to be in love?

Practice makes perfect?

It's time to find out how much practice that Mr. Digby has~

I decided to call in my marked boys downtown.

I knew they'd have the skinny on this bloke.

Here's the second spade.

I'd like you to run a check on Mr. Digby Hanson.

Oh, yeah?

He has a long history of milking unsuspecting heiresses out of their millions?s

At least he makes a decent living.

Uh-huh.

His M.O. is to take all their money and then

buy them a one-way ticket to Shanty Shack Lane.

Nice name for a street.

Well, did you hear that?

Poor Melancholia.

What are we going to do?

Leave it to me.

He's good.

He's very good.

Melancholia's too in love with him.

Talking her out of marrying Digby will never work.

I say we sneak up behind Digby,

throw a burlap sack over his head,

and beat him till his head spins!

Actually,

I have another idea.

Great. I'll get the cannon.

Fester, we will not resort to violence.

Besides, that cannon gets tracks all over the house.

Alright.

I'll get the crossbow.

No.

I think the only solution is to expose Digby,

by catching him in one of his lies.

Tish!

What a novel idea!

For once we won't resort to senseless violence

to solve our problems.

Sorry.

Force of habit.

I knew if I subjected Digby who I detected to a lie detector test,

I would catch him with his pants on fire.

Testing! One, two, three.

My name is Fester Addams.

And I look hot in a bikini.

Ha, perfect!

Hello? Fester.

Hi.

Uh, Melancholia said you wanted to speak with me.

Digby.

I just wanted to spend some time with my favorite cousin's fiancé.

Ohh.

Here.

Have a seat.

Let me help you with that.

Comfortable?

Not really.

So.

I hear you went to Yale, right?

Why, yes!

Say it.

Excuse me?

Say it!

Say what?

Say it!

Say it!

Are there real nails, over there?

My, they look so...

Ooh!

Yeah, Digby...

It's very simple.

Look.

All you have to do is just,

sit in the chair and say,

"My name is Digby and I went to Yale."

My name is... Digby and I went to Yale.

What?

Ooh...

So, Digby.

Have you ever been engaged before?

Why, yes, many times.

Really?

As a matter of fact, I was engaged by an article

earlier this morning in the Wall Street Journal.

They were talking...

So, Digby, old sport.

Care to help me build up my decathlon stamina with a little game of soccer?

Soccer?

Yes, soccer.

You did play at Yale, didn't you?

Why, yes, but I...

I don't know if I'd be much of a challenge to you.

I've been played since college.

Nonsense.

A true athlete never forgets.

You're on.

Lucky shot.

Now remember,

the game is called Truth or Dare.

So, if you pick truth,

you have to tell the whole truth.

And nothing but the truth.

And if you pick dare, you have to do whatever we tell you to.

You probably don't want to pick dare.

Truth or dare?

Dare!

I dare you to put your arm in the bear trap.

A little trick, I picked up from a rebel leader on safari in Africa.

Let's do it again.

My turn.

Truth or dare?

Dare.

Thank you, children. That was fun.

Maybe we can do it again, sometime.

He's good.

Really good.

101.

102.

Oh, Gomez.

We tried everything to expose Digby and nothing has worked!

If only she could see the cad for who he really is.

Maybe she can.

This is terrible.

That Digby is going to steal all of Melancholia's money.

Unless,

we put a stop to it.

But how?

We've tried everything we can to get him to tell the truth.

Well, this is not everything.

maybe not everything.

Chin.

Shoulder.

Elbow.

Oh.

By jove, I think I'm really getting the hang of this discus throw!

Again, Tish.

Oh!

So,

um,

we were thinking...

... of a midnight wedding.

In an aged gazebo.

With lots of candles.

And devil's food cake.

Alright~

Everybody ready for some nice and juicy "To-Kill-You" Sunrises?

Uh-uh.

Ow!

That one's for Digby.

Uh, no thank you. I'm not thirsty.

But I insist.

I, I said no, thank you.

Oh, come on.

Have a little sip,

like this!

My name is Fester Addams, and I think Heather Locklear is a total hottie.

Fester, you dough head.

Do you know what you just did?

I drank the truth serum.

Truth serum?

Now, why would you want me to drink truth serum?

No reason.

Because he's a total stinko who bilked dozens of women out of their fortune.

Women?

Wh-wh-what women?

These women.

Where is he?

I hope you don't mind.

Gomez and I invited some of your more recent victims, for a little visit.

So?

Anybody look familiar?

Drink?

I have never seen any of these women before in my life!

So, where is he?

Where is that creep, Digby Hanson?

Isn't... that him?

Who's uh,

who's Digby Hanson?

Why, he's your fiancé.

Excuse me, my name,

is Digby

Henson.

Then you're not a famous con artist after Melancholia's money?

After her money? I may not be the richest man in the world...

That's right!

I am the second richest.

Lurch, see these women out.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Take 'em out! ... Amscray!

What about Andrea?

That brazen hussy you're going to run away with?

You're going to run off with your fine jeweller!?

Of course not.

This was supposed to be a surprise.

I picked it up, from Andrea this morning.

For you, my mournful love.

Ohh, baby.

Digby, I don't know what to say...

Mr. Henson,

we all owe you the sincerest apology.

It was an honest mistake.

I just figured that anybody who was interested in Melancholia,

must be a crook!

Hey!

No offense.

Do you think you could ever forgive us?

Well, I...

Okay, I...

Excellent!

Let's go celebrate in the cemetery.

Everybody, Conga~!

A toast!

To Melancholia and Digby!

May they live unhappily ever after.

So, Digby.

Which one of your houses do you want to live in first?

I don't know.

What about the one in Florida?

The Sunshine state!?

Well, it's kind of warm, and it's cheery...

I know,

and you'll love it!

And the backyard goes out onto...

Disney World!

Ooh, we can see some of that neat dinner theatre that they have.

What about...

What about living in a dilapidated castle?

Hmm?

Breaking our bags in the rack.

Oh, honey pie.

Certainly you can indulge me in my interests.

I've played along with yours.

Played along?

I thought you liked everything that I liked?

Well... no.

But, uh, I like you!

And besides, marriage is about

partnership, isn't it?

So, come on!

I know a great restaurant with singing waiters~!

Singing waiters.

That's right.

Oh, Morticia, I've had a wonderful time.

Except for the part about breaking up with Digby and watching my life go down the drain.

Well, we enjoyed having you, too.

Oh, Morticia, you're just...

you're too kind.

Oh, dear Melancholia...

What a mournful face, such blatant wails.

Her teary outbursts.

I know.

She's such a joy to have around the house.

Darling, are you alright?

I'm fine.

Except for the fact that I'm in excruciating pain.

Which I'm starting to enjoy.

What about the decathlon?

Don't worry.

I'm sure I'll be up and about in no time.

Darling, it's just as well you missed the Transylvania Decathlon.

I would have been miserable with you so far away.

And I...

I would have been miserable, too, querida.

Mon cher...

Tish!

That's French.

Awoooooo... !