Original subtitles

Watch this... !

Wonderful, darling.

I wish that doctor could see him now.

What doctor?

The doctor that said that our family was unbalanced.

Gomez has plenty of balance.

Right, you are!

In fact,

I think I'm finally ready,

to balance Mama's hatchet collection!

Cousin Itt!

Cousin Itt, what's wrong?

[ gurgling language ]

They threw eggs at you at your audition for the community theatre?

Wow!

They must really like you.

[ gurgling ]

You're perfect for the role of Hamlet.

[ gurgling ]

Don't say that, Cousin Itt.

You're not useless and good for nothing.

You're good for something!

You just don't know what it is.

You poor dear.

Maybe you should go lie down in your room closet.

[ gurgling agreement ]

I think Cousin Itt would make a fine Hamlet.

He looks great in tights.

If only we could find a play that would showcase Cousin Itt's unique talents.

Querida!

I've got the perfect solution.

No.

No.

No!

I know it's in here somewhere.

Keep looking, darling.

Ahhh.

Here it is!

"Death, Demise, and Destruction."

A romantic comedy by Gomez, Adam.

I wrote it when I had aspirations of being a playwright.

Darling, what stopped you?

No talent.

So what do you say we rent the theatre,

and give Itt the starring role?

Gomez, that's a wonderful idea.

All we need now is a director.

You're right.

Someone fresh.

Someone who's just starting out.

Someone who's willing to jump at the chance to work in community theatre... !

Hello?

Steven Spielberg?

Have I got a play for you!

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

Finally.

After being turned down by fifty directors, I got the one I wanted.

Ed Lumett!

Ed Lumett.

Ed Lumet?

Tish, that's French!

Darling, please try to focus.

I am.

Now,

about this director.

You remember Ed Lumet?

Death of a Sales Clerk?

Cabernet?

He had that nervous breakdown in the '80s and forgot his name.

That's right.

Believe it or not, he has absolutely nothing to do this year,

and his manager says he's dying to do the play.

I would rather die,

than do community theatre.

Miss Plank!

Well, you're gonna do time if you don't pay your bills.

You haven't worked in over 15 years.

Think of the novelty.

No.

Think of the stage lights.

No!

Think of the money.

$100,000.

The show must go on~

Maybe it won't be so bad.

After all, Mr. Addams assures me he's got a top-rate cast.

Now Morticia,

you'll play Bloody Balthusza.

And, Pugsley,

Ooh.

you'll play Nurse Catherine.

Huh?

Darling, don't you think Wednesday should play the nurse?

I don't know, Tish.

I was thinking of her for old King Fright.

But Wednesday had her heart set on playing a nurse.

Let me heal these.

Maybe you're right.

Gomez,

can I play Uncle Rankle?

Rankle?

The bald homicidal maniac,

who loves his criminal girlfriend

almost as much as his homemade bombs?

Sorry, Fester, but I don't see you in that part.

In fact, I'm considering Cousin Itt!

What?

[ gurgles excitedly ]

Do you think you can handle it, Cousin Itt?

It calls for a real dramatic flair.

[ gurglingly recites lines ]

Excellent, Cousin Itt!

I was really thinking the part called for someone more like...

... me.

No, Cousin Itt's our man!

But you could be his understudy!

So,

if something happens to Cousin Itt,

then I would play Rankle?

That's right.

C'mon, Cousin Itt.

Let's go to the dungeon.

I'll help you...

... rehearse.

Darling, I think Cousin Itt has finally found himself.

Which isn't easy under all that hair.

[ gurglingly reciting lines ]

One more time.

But,

with,

feeling.

[ gurgling ]

I, Nurse Catherine,

will free you from your bondage.

But first,

let me give you some wounds

so I may heal them.

Very convincing, Wednesday.

But it's not in the script.

I know.

Darling, Mr. Lumet is going to be here any minute.

Perhaps we should assemble the others.

Capital idea!

You rang?

Call Cousin Itt, will ya, Lurch?

Gone.

Nonsense.

Have Fester help you look for him.

Gone, too.

Gone?

But who will play Rankle?

... Me?

What is it, Thing?

They're in the dungeon.

Thank you, Thing.

Ouch!

Do it again!

Fester, this is no time for a nap.

Nap?

Lurch hit me on the head and tied me up, so he can play Rankle.

Really?

I didn't know he had it in him.

Here comes the big ham now.

Welcome, you must be Mr. Lumet.

I'm Gomez.

This is my lovely wife, Morticia.

It's an honour to meet you.

Naturally.

This is my manager,

Miss Jane Frey.

And I'm Fester,

the star of the show.

And I'm James Cameron,

King of the World.

Fester, what about Cousin Itt?

Oh, we... didn't you get his note?

He went on a surfing safari.

Anyway, the key to my character, as I see it,

is strictly to provide me....

Darling, what could that be?

Maybe it's one of Mama's experiments.

Mr. Lumet.

May I present the star of Death, Demise, and Destruction?

Itt Addams.

[ angry gurgling ]

[ angry gurgling ]

Okay... ?

From the top!

Dear, Rankle.

You must go, or my father will chop you into itsy bitsy pieces~

[ gurgling lines ]

Cut!

Is something wrong?

Something wrong?!

That...

[ mimics Itt's gurgling language ]

It sounded fine to me.

I... cannot work with such a voice.

It's... lunacy!

Lunacy!

Oh, Mr. Addams.

Your, your cousin isn't fit to play Ru Paul's wig!

[ sassy, dismissive gurgling ]

Mr. Lumet, you hurt Cousin Itt's feelings.

Please go apologize and tell him you think he's a fine actor.

A...pologize?

Me... ?

Come, Miss Frey!

We're leaving.

Ed, this is the first directing job you've had in years.

Give it a chance!

Forget it.

I'd rather direct traffic!

If I could get Cousin Itt to slow his voice down a little, would you give him a second chance?

Never.

Hello, Mr. Lumet.

This is the last chance collection agency.

Oh, alright!

But,

if that poor excuse for a Peckingnese

isn't speaking in a decipherable manner

by the next rehearsal,

I'm, leaving!

Oh!

Lurch, you may want to put some extra bars in the guest room.

Now, slowly.

"The dane in Spain, is completely insane."

[ repeats line in high-pitched gurgling ]

His voice is still too high.

I wish we could lower it.

Maybe we could drop him down a well.

[ questioning gurgle ]

Just trying to help.

Gomez.

I do remember reading,

that if you put marbles in your mouth,

it gives you a nice, round tone.

Great idea, querida.

Use mine!

Here, Cousin Itt.

Put these in your mouth.

Now.

"The dane, in Spain..."

[ gurgles ]

Delicious?

Cousin Itt, you're not supposed to eat them.

Now here. Let's try again.

Querida, do you know what you do to me when you steal my marbles?

[ gurgling interruption ]

Try it again.

"The dane in Spain, is completely insane."

[ gurgling lines ]

dane in... [ reverts to gurgling ]

Go ahead, punk. Make my day.

[ gurgling ] ... shame!

Itt!

I think you've got it!

The dane, in Spain, is... [ gurgles ]

Again!

"The dane in Spain, is completely insane!"

By jove, I think he's got it.... !

I like the way the ceiling spins...

As rotting corpses dot the landscape,

and vultures croaked pain,

I'll think of you, my love,

and all the fun we shared.

Magical!

Just magical!

Dear Rankle,

the Black Death is nigh!

Come,

let's celebrate!

Cousin Itt, where are you going?

So sorry,

but rehearsal is over for today.

Fine.

But bloody Balthusza hasn't spontaneously combusted, yet!

Really, old man.

You're not addressing a peasant.

You're speaking to the star.

I shall inform you when rehearsal is over for the day.

He's starting to become absolutely impossible.

Isn't it wonderful?

Cousin Itt?

Cousin Itt,

it's time for rehearsal.

Speaking of which,

I hope you don't mind,

but I took the liberty of making a few minor changes to your script.

"I, Rankle"?

A monologue?

You've written everyone else out of the script?

I hear you, dear boy.

They were cutting into my stage time,

which is simply not fair to the audience.

Now, about my trailer.

You don't have a trailer.

Exactly.

While you're out picking it up,

there are a few other items I'll be needing.

The list is there on the desk.

I am an artiste!

I directed the best.

I'm sure Charo had her moments.

How dare you show up late to one of my rehearsals?

No one raises their voice to me.

You are dismissed.

You're firing... me?

You can't fire me.

Wait.

I'm...

.... fired.

Don't be ridiculous, Mr. Lumet.

You'll stay right here.

Hey, he says I'm fired. I'm fired.

I'm, fired!

Did they pay up front?

I'm fired.

I'm fired!

Fired's gone!

Ta-ta!

Nice meeting you!

Cousin Itt, that was way out of line!

Excuse me,

but he was limiting my artistic capabilities.

Besides, what I really want to do is direct.

Then again,

directors don't always receive top billing, do they?

Never mind.

Lurch, I'm ready for my close-up.

Oh, Gomez, this is all my fault.

When I changed his voice, I changed his entire personality.

It's not your fault, it's just that...

Well,

come to think of it, it is your fault.

Does my hair look okay?

If only I could get his original voice back,

I know Cousin Itt would be his old self again.

Be sure to get my good side.

I just hope it isn't too late.

Now, I realize that it was a mistake to encourage you to speak more slowly.

After all, your old voice was so original, so different.

So you.

True.

We must get it back.

Please repeat after me.

[ high-pitched gurgling recitation ]

"The dame, in Spain, is completely insane."

Let's try another phrase.

[ high-pitched gurgling ]

Try that, very quickly!

"The bats and the hats, stay mainly on the flats."

Rather a silly expression, don't you think?

Please, try to concentrate, Cousin Itt.

Now.

[ high-pitched gurgling ]

Sorry, my dear.

But it simply won't come out that way.

Hmph!

Don't worry, Pugsley.

The tar will flake off by itself in a couple of months.

Wednesday, please keep it down.

I think it needs to be a little hotter, anyway.

I guess the play is off.

Too bad.

I was really looking forward to watching it bomb.

Well...

My Muma always said,

if any of us kids got too big for our brutes,

she'd run us outta town.

Perfect!

Wednesday,

save some of those tarred feathers for Cousin Itt!

Gomez, let's not resort to violence.

You're right, querida.

Although it would be fun watching Cousin Itt try to pull the tar out of his hair.

Darling, I think we have to be firm

and simply tell Cousin Itt

that his outlandish behaviour must stop.

You're right.

Then can we tar and feather him?

"No."

"No, he isn't."

Just tell his people to call my people.

Yes, it's true.

"Your people call his people."

This room!

It's so...

... bright!

No need to thank me.

By the way,

the bill for my new limousine is on the table.

I'd help you out, but as a star,

it's beneath me to pay for anything.

Right, Mr. Zanzibar?

Yes, Mister. That's right.

Cousin Itt,

I insist you return this living room to normal.

Come now, Morticia.

Anger doesn't suit you.

Besides, Martin Slimer is stopping by,

so I need to be well lit.

Who?

My poor, naive Morticia.

Mr. Slimer is the Broadway producer.

"No."

He also dabbles in film and television.

I suppose he'll offer me the role of Hamlet the moment we meet.

So I'll have to move to New York.

Post-haste.

I'll help you pack.

That's him.

Mr. Slimer.

Gomez, Morticia.

Please tell Mr. Slimer I'll be right with him.

Yes, Mr. Itt, sir.

"That's fine."

Now he's got me doing it.

Are my nails dry yet?

This room is right out of the Dawn of the Dying Dead.

Why, thank you!

I'm Gomez, Addams.

And this is my lovely wife, Morticia.

Uh, that's great.

Look, I got a plane to catch,

so, uh, where's this Mr. Itt?

"To be or not to be."

"That is the question."

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

Amazing.

Incredible.

I mean, you've got the part.

I would feign surprise,

but I'd rather say my performance for a much larger audience.

Wh-whatever, right.

We leave for Hollywood tonight.

Hollywood? But, Broadway's in New York.

Madam, I produce films as well as plays.

Right now I'm casting my movie,

"The Hairy Beast From Hell."

Mr. Itt is perfect in the title role.

What?

The Harry Beast from...

Me?

Play the...

Ooh, why you...

[ angry high-pitched gurgling ]

Cousin Itt, such profanity!

Please.

Continue.

Excuse me.

Do you know who I am?

[ angry gurgling ]

Could you ease up on that shoulder grip, Frankenstein?

[ devolves into more gurgling ]

Dear Cousin Itt, back to his old self.

Although I must admit, he would have made a very convincing "hairy beast from Hell".

Really?

I would've cast Fester.

Look, dear.

That nice Mr. Lumet has finally made his Broadway comeback

with the play he wrote and directed himself.

"Death, Demise, and Destruction."

A fighting comedy about the end of the world.

That sounds familiar.

Gomez, that's your play.

He stole it.

The poor man.

His utter lack of talent has driven him to thievery.

He should do very well in show business.

Not as easy as it looks, is it?

No, not at all.

Let's say we call it a night.

I thought you'd never ask.

I'll just put these away.

No need.

I'll have Lurch unhook them.

Awoooooo... !