Original subtitles

As mayor of West Rome, it gives me great pleasure to welcome you and to introduce

our first citizen, Warren Fenwick Cooper.

Thank you, mayor.

Friends, Romans, country, lend me your ears.

You see, I know my Roman history.

In fact, I have humbly donated this expensive, magnificent temple of Roman

art. that the citizens of West Rome may become familiar with the citizens of

historic Rome. Come on, ladies.

Now, this room, ladies, is chiefly devoted to the period in which Rome

invaded Britain. Over here, we have a particularly interesting... box.

Yes, sir?

Is that your hat?

No, sir, I... Well, a spoon.

Now, over here we have... How did that get there?

You see, sir, I...

about this later.

Well, over here we have the statue of the Empress Agrippa.

What's the meaning of this? You can't sleep here. It is a bit noisy.

Well, you see, sir, he has no place to sleep. Why, you... It isn't his fault.

This is the first morning he forgot to wake me up. The idea.

Using the statue of a Roman empress for a bed.

Well, it's the only statue lying down, sir. You see, I can't sleep standing up.

The fellow's crazy. Call the wagon.

Yes. You can't arrest him, Warren. It's Eddie.

I know who it is. But he has no right to be around town doing nothing. He works

for everybody. Just now he's helping out in Keep's Grocery. Oh, please forgive

him, Mr. Cooper. He has such honest eyes.

Where did you get those big eyes?

Well, they say before I was born, my mother was always looking for my father.

That's why my eyes are so big.

Oh, isn't that too bad?

Tell me, did she find your father?

I don't know. I can't find my mother.

Oh, the poor dear.

You must forgive him, Mr. Cooper.

Well, all right.

Get your clothes on. Get out of here.

in every town. He knows nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Here we have a statue of one of the last of the Caesars, the Emperor Polonius.

Valerius.

Polonius, and don't interrupt me.

But, Mr. Cooper, it's Valerius I know. The Empress Agrippa, the one I was

sleeping with, is his wife.

Idiot. But, Mr. Cooper, he's right.

It is Valerius.

Really?

Why, of course.

You were right.

But if I hear another word out of you, I'll have you locked up.

Yes, sir.

Let us proceed.

Well, this is the last straw.

No, sir. This is my hot water bottle. I've been looking all over for it. If

you say another word, I'll have Boggs call the wagon.

The wagon. Yes, sir.

Ladies. This statue has a most interesting history. It's the Empress

Sylvia. Of Gaul.

Who captured Valerius.

And later married him.

What is the matter with you? I suppose I'm wrong again.

No, no, no. You're right, Mr. Cooper. Except it wasn't the Empress Sylvia. It

was the Princess Sylvia. She didn't come from Gaul. She came from Britain. She

didn't capture Valerius. Valerius captured her. And she didn't marry

Valerius. She married Josephus. And your name is Mr. Cooper. And Bob. Yes.

The wagon.

I want to talk with you.

Now, Eddie, if you want to keep on making deliveries for me, you've got to

stop giving my groceries away for nothing.

Well, you charge it against my salary, don't you? Sure I do.

That's why you never have any salary coming.

Do you realize that last week you gave away... Wait.

I'll give you the black and white.

Look, you gave away $14.50 worth of groceries.

That's $12.50 more than your salary.

What are you going to do about it?

Couldn't you raise my salary?

You're lucky I don't fire you. Yes, sir.

Is this the property? Yes, the city condemned that entire block.

Then why aren't those people out? Well, the sheriffs left notice on them, but

they refused to move.

Well, they know that I'm going to build a new jail and donate it to the city,

don't they? Yes, but... There are no buts. Civic progress.

Have them evicted at once.

Oh, by the way, boys, we came out all right on the museum.

I donated the land, but our split with the contractors netted us just three

times what the property cost.

Here's your check, Charlie.

Harry. Thanks. We really don't need a new jail, Warren.

Well, you can fill it, a smart chief of police like you.

You think it's safe to give us these checks?

Well, I own the bank, don't I?

Look at that, Julia. My fourth seven in a row.

I owe myself $265.

This is my lucky day.

So it's you again, eh?

I ought to put you in jail for reckless driving. Don't arrest him, Chief.

Eddie's harmless.

He never really had a chance.

Well, have I had any more chance?

I started this town with nothing but my brains.

That was a bad start.

Why?

Well, we haven't got time to bother with you now.

Come on.

Oh, Chief!

Well, I guess we've finished our job.

They're all moved out now. Come on, Bill.

Okay, Chief.

What is this?

What are you doing, waiting for an earthquake?

The city's taking away our home.

The city? Why?

Well, they're going to build a jail here. A jail?

Yeah. What are we going to do, Ma?

I don't know, darling. We can't very well live in the street.

Why not?

It seems to be well furnished. Look, the city put you here. Will you stay here

until the city put you somewhere else?

What's he saying?

He said the city put us here and we should live here.

He said the city put us here and we should live here.

Come here, everybody.

Come here. Listen to me.

Why not live out here?

What's the matter with the sky for a ceiling?

But, Eddie, how can we live out here?

Just as you lived inside.

But out here, you'll have more fresh air, more help, and more flies.

But it could be done.

Look.

Don't you believe in signs?

You see?

Even Mr. Cooper says it's a good idea.

Build a little home. You have everything here.

We always have a roof above us, as long as there's the sky.

You want to love us?

We can decorate the city with an optimistic feeling.

Every single little dream

is a shinkalow.

Mr. Cooper, you're just in time for dinner. I warned you to keep out of my

way. My good friends, I sacrificed to buy this property, and why?

A year from now, where those buildings stand, you'll see a grand new jail.

Say, the old jail was good enough for your father, ought to be good enough for

you. What? You think you're a great man, but look what you do.

You build homes for statues and criminals and put these people out on

the street. Mr. Cooper, you're... you're...

You took the words right out of my mouth.

That's enough.

This time it's final.

Call the wagon.

Never mind.

I can walk.

All right, you'll walk.

Walk him to the city limits and throw him out. Come on.

Can I please say goodbye to Julia?

Go ahead.

Goodbye, Julia.

They're throwing me out because I told the truth.

Cooper, that big four-flusher.

He compares West Rome to ancient Rome.

Rome, there was a real place.

They knew how to treat people there.

Well, here we are.

Where am I going? Where am I going to live?

Why don't you go back to ancient Rome? You're always talking about it. I wish I

could. They didn't put people out on the street in Rome.

Send us a telegram when you get there.

Sure, we'll come up and see you sometime.

Get going.

Rome. Rome.

Rome.

Hello, fellows.

Where's the circus?

Down this road and straight ahead.

Oh, I thought for a minute... What circus is it?

The circus Maximus, of course.

Maximus?

Not Ringling Brothers?

Are you bound for Rome? No, I was just thrown out.

I mean, I just left there.

Have they heard of our glorious victory over the Britons?

They lost their shirts.

Yeah, but they got your pants.

Look, why don't you boys run back into the dressing room and put them on, huh?

Is it thus you greet the soldiers of the Emperor Valerius?

Methinks thou art a spy.

Methinks thou art nuts.

Nuts? Yes, I'm giving you the raspberry.

Nuts? Raspberry?

Perhaps she's a food vendor.

Well, I used to help out at Keep's Grocery, but when Cooper saw me with

Agrippa... The Empress Agrippa?

You know her?

Do I know her?

Where do you think I sleep nights? What?

He insults her imperial majesty.

And by the gods, he shall die.

Say, this guy is all right. He can act.

Hey, look out with that thing. You know, you almost cut me then.

Hey, let him die like a Roman.

With steel in his hand.

And steel in his heart.

Listen, you.

Keep on playing with those knives, and the first thing you know, you'll hurt

somebody. Look at the point of that thing. Look at it.

How would you like to have me poking at you like that?

Huh? Here.

You play with him, and we'll watch.

The coward will not fight.

Boil him in oil.

Cut his head out.

Let him go.

Hold your tongue.

Well, it seems kind of silly, but if you want me to do it, I'll do it.

Time to let's stake.

He will make a worthy target for our arrows.

A goodly plan.

Yeah? What's so good about it? You can't scare me around like this.

What do you think you're doing?

Wait a minute.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Big boys like you playing Indian.

If you guys are trying to scare me... Yes?

You're doing fine.

Don't worry, Whiskers. I can fix it for you. I've got some string here in my

pocket.

My pockets are gone.

My pants are gone.

This is no fooling.

I'm really living in Rome?

Yes, but not for long.

But wait a minute.

If this is really Rome, you can't kill me. Oh, no?

No, because I haven't been born yet.

It wouldn't only be murder.

It would be birth control.

Josephus, friend of the people. Oh, what manner of game is this?

It ain't post office, friend of the people.

This fellow's a spy.

He's a traitor.

It's your turn now.

This dog maligned the Empress Agrippa.

Oh, I did not. All I said was I used to sleep beside her at the museum. Enough!

This is blasphemy.

Death's too good for him. Take him to the slave market.

I'd be much more useful around the fish market. I used to work for... Silence!

You'll be sold to the highest bidder.

Perhaps I'll buy you myself.

If only to let you feel my wit. Save you money, I can feel it here.

At the slave market!

Well,

what am I bid for this sturdy little captain?

What am I bid?

Lady, please don't touch unless you're going to buy.

And don't buy.

Isn't anybody going to bid?

Nobody wants me. I might as well go home.

Slaves who are not sold are thrown to the lions.

To the lions?

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's have a bit. Come, come, citizens.

What am I offered for this slave?

Will somebody say five diners?

Do I hear five diners? I don't even hear four diners.

What's the matter with you people? Don't you know a bargain when you see one?

Will somebody make a bid?

Look at me.

I can cook a little.

I can take care of the children.

If there are no children, I can take care of that.

By being a son to you.

Doesn't anybody want him?

Doesn't anybody want me?

It looks like you're going to the lion.

Oh, come, people. You may never get a chance like this again.

I can sing.

All of them.

Oh, mister, you'll never be sorry for this.

Tell me, how much is a hundred piffix?

One-tenth of one gold dollar.

Why, that's ten cents.

What do you think this is, Woolworth? Silence!

One hundred piffix has been bid. Do I hear more?

One gold diner. Say, one gold diner, that's more like it. The diner is bid by

Josephus. Who?

Oh, please, mister, don't sell me to him. He wants to whip me. He told me so.

One diner is bid. One diner is bid.

Why don't you sell me to the man with the piffix? After all, he spoke first.

Pivics are not bad.

One diner is bid.

Do I hear two?

Look, look, people, look what you can get for two diners. Look at these skins,

imported, all the way from Russia.

One diner is bid, one diner, one diner, one diner, one diner. If I throw in two

pair of pants, will you take me?

Going to Josephus for one diner.

Going, going.

Two diners. Two diners.

Who bid that?

Somebody over there.

Same fella.

You're just throwing your money away.

I'm weak. I can't do any work.

I'm not buying you for work.

That's just what I was afraid of. Six diners is bid. Do I hear seven?

Listen, buddy, why don't you bid seven diners? Why, the gold in my teeth is

worth more than that, see?

Seven diners. Seven diners is bid. Eight diners. Eight diners is bid. Eight

diners is bid. Eight diners is bid. Do I hear nine?

No more bid?

Thank you.

across your knees?

Oh, I'm not going to whip you.

You're not?

No.

Oh, well, then I won't need this.

Hail Major Domo.

Hail Marsha.

You're a strange fellow. I like you. I like you too, but maybe you better let

me hold the whip.

That's the Emperor's Major Domo.

You dog, I'll have you whip within an inch of your life for this. I assure you

it was an accident.

Do you never tire of pleading the cause of others?

I'm afraid not.

Well, the Emperor's tired of it, Josephus.

If you could take a warning.

Gee, thanks a lot.

You know, I couldn't hit him with this thing if I wanted to.

All I tried to do was to crack it like this.

What are we waiting for?

Your fix.

Our friend.

See, everybody seems to be crazy about you here. You know, I like being your

slave.

You're no longer my slave.

No?

I guess I'm just a failure. I can't even keep a job as a slave.

Oh, I bought you to set you free.

Don't throw away the price tag. You won't be able to get a refund.

Tell me, what's your name?

Eddie? Oh, there's no such name.

I'll call you Oedipus. All right, I'll call you Joe.

When are they going to say the gang's all here?

They only mean higher taxes.

It's an outrage.

The emperor parades while we starve.

Be patient, my friend. Our day will come.

We'll put an end to his tyranny if necessary by force.

Look, Joe, a girl. Who is that?

It's the Princess Sylvia, a prisoner of war.

Why doesn't the emperor let her ride?

Only the emperor can ride in the emperor's chariot. Yeah?

Why doesn't he get a chariot with a rumble seat?

Hey, Valerius, you can't treat her like that.

These wars exhaust me, Domo. I need some relaxation.

Have Olga come and sing for me.

Olga was sold today in the slave market by your majesty's command.

No, no, Domo. I said depose her, not dispose of her.

Olga has long been my favorite. Olga loves me.

True, she has slipped a little, but we must not be ungrateful.

We must find some reward for her devotion.

Yes, your majesty.

I have it.

She shall be made slave to my new favorite.

Or who better than Olga can tell her what to do?

Or more important, what not to do?

Meaning, of course, the Princess Sylvia.

Don't hurry me, don't.

Bring in here.

I know you very well.

Too bad you didn't see them arrest me. We might have been relatives.

Who are those guys?

They're the emperor's torturers.

They twist your spine and bend your bones.

Oh, chiropractors. They torture their victims with hot...

Oh, to me, all life is comedy.

I have found the secret of eternal laughter.

There is a legend of the gods that a volcano is but a mountain bursting with

laughter at the world.

I suppose an earthquake is just a giggle.

From such a mountain, I have gathered what no one else in the world possesses.

I have lava gas.

Oh, you'll be all right. Take a little bicarbonate of soda.

No, no, no.

One whiff of this lava gas, and you'll roar with laughter even though you're

suffering. You mean to say if I just take one whiff of this, I'll bust right

out laughing? Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to try them. Only when you're suffering.

What's that?

Hungry lions in the next cell.

Oh, I'd like to feed them.

You will.

This cell is empty.

Wait here. The rest go down there.

Stop. Why can't I go with my people?

It's the emperor's command.

Princess, I'm frightened.

Yes, I know.

But we mustn't let the Romans know it.

Don't be afraid.

I'm not afraid.

Wasn't it you who tried to save me?

Well, I did kind of want to talk to Valerius about you.

Then it's my fault you're here.

No, Princess.

I'm always in trouble.

But don't worry.

We won't be here long.

Josephus will get us out.

Josephus? Who is he?

He's my boss.

Remember?

During the parade when you were looking at me?

Yeah. Well, he was standing right next to me.

But I guess you didn't see him on account of looking at me.

Oedipus! Joe!

Quick, Your Highness, there's no time to lose. I've come to free you.

It's Joe.

Josephus, the man I've been telling you about.

What about the guard, Joe? A bribe has made him a friend.

Why are you doing this for me? To gain your favor, I'd give my life.

Merely for my favor? Willingly.

Take it. It's a bargain.

You must hurry, Your Highness.

Come, Oedipus.

Joe, I can't go with you.

I've gotten sort of attached to this place.

Get the keeper.

Oedipus, the emperor.

Tell him we're out. You must go.

I'll be back.

Josephus.

Your Majesty.

You did not tell me that Josephus was my prisoner.

Your Majesty, I'm here to see my slave, who has been unjustly imprisoned.

You crossed my path too often, Josephus.

I advise you to leave unless you care to stay here permanently.

Are you quite comfortable here, Your Highness?

Quite, Your Majesty.

I only hope that someday I shall be able to entertain you as comfortably.

I believe you'll find my palace more restful.

I prefer it here.

So be it.

I take pride in my conquest of the heart.

I cannot desire you unless you desire me.

Therefore, I shall keep you imprisoned here until you do desire me.

What a lover!

Who said that?

I did.

And that's not all I'm going to say.

I want to tell you a few words, Captain. Who is this slave?

He is the dog that tried to attack you during the procession. I didn't. I'm

innocent. Silence. Before that, he attacked me with a whip, a horse whip.

It was the only one I had. Dang the dog.

And now, my dear, doesn't it flatter you to know that of all the lovely ladies in

Rome, I have chosen the Briton for my favorite?

I prefer your lion.

I wonder if your countrymen down the corridor have the same preference.

You wouldn't dare. Why not?

Come, Domo. Wait.

If I go to your palace, do you promise no harm will come to my countrymen?

On my honor.

Domo, escort the princess to the palace.

And now put this dog to the torture.

And when he's screaming in agony, I shall come back and enjoy his suffering.

You boys leaving?

Nice development.

The horror!

Make my call.

Listen, boys, why can't we talk this thing over?

Please, sit down. Just sit down.

I'll tear you to pieces for this.

Honest, mister, I didn't mean it.

I feel terribly sorry if I hurt you.

Think it's funny, huh?

We'll show you.

Oh, boys, you're killing me.

Oh, you're breaking my heart.

Supposing I was your own brother? I have no brother.

He died last week.

Let's chain him and put the...

Thank you, Agrippa.

Come, let us drink to our undying love.

By all means.

Your health, my dear.

My health.

May I keep it always?

Always.

Food taster.

Oh, Valerius, this is horrible to think.

It might have been you.

There, there, my dear.

Do not let it disturb you.

Perhaps you'll have better luck the next time.

Has there been an accident?

No. Something he ate, no doubt.

You'd love America, and have we got a traffic system with all kinds of lights?

Take, for instance, a man wants to cross the street, but he can't do it because

the red light is against him.

Well, he couldn't do it anyway.

Two policemen are watching him.

They've got burglars all over town, speakeasies, people are killing each

other, but the police have got to see that he doesn't cross the street.

Well? When the police aren't looking, he sneaks over as far as the safety zone.

What's that?

That's where the people wait for a streetcar. They have a white line. It's

called the safety zone.

And is that a good idea?

If an automobile should hit you while you're within the safety zone, that

doesn't count. It's got to go all the way around and hit you again.

Yes, but what about this man?

Oh, he gets hit in the front by a truck, in the back by a streetcar, but he gets

there even if he has to go in an ambulance.

Where is he going?

To the movies to see Mickey Mouse.

Mickey Mouse?

Sure, Mickey Mouse and his sweetheart Minnie.

A mouse has a sweetheart.

And is she a mouse, too?

Sure. Otherwise, it would be very inconvenient.

And when Mickey goes to see Minnie, what do you think Minnie is doing?

Well, what is she doing?

There was Minnie kicking the gong around.

Say, give me those.

They're my lucky dice. Lucky?

Let me see those cubes.

Do you mean to say you've, uh...

Never seen dice before?

Never.

Oh, Emperor, are we going to have fun?

Come on, I'll shoot you for five diners.

You'd shoot your Emperor for five diners? All right, I'll shoot you for

three diners. Why?

I mean with the dice.

Oh, oh.

Come on now, let's see if you're lucky.

If I win, that's a good sign.

If you win, that's a miracle.

Come on, seven.

It's a natural.

Oh, dice, be good to me.

Twelve was my point. It's a little tough, but

I'll make it.

I win. No, no, no. Just a moment. You lose.

Twelve was your point. You threw a three and a four.

Well, three times four is twelve, isn't it?

Now, let's see how we stand.

You owe me the Coliseum and the Forum and the Major Domo.

Remember? I won it when I rolled a nine.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'll give you back everything that I've won.

You will?

And I'll tell you what you can do for me. What?

You can free the Prince of Sylvia.

You seem much interested in my prisoner.

I am, Your Majesty.

I'm crazy about her.

Oh, you are.

Well, that's somewhat all as our plans for you.

How would you like to be the official food taster?

The what?

I find myself in need of a food taster.

You mean all I have to do is just eat?

Exactly. You eat the same food I eat. Only you eat it first.

Say, that job sounds all right.

But I'd like to ask you one question. What's that?

Do you like spinach?

No.

Well, in that case, I can go to work right away.

Ah, the wine.

Your Majesty, this is the last glass of your favorite wine.

It's a pity.

This wine has given me much pleasure.

Taste, Oedipus.

All right. I don't mind if I do.

I would say... Well, well?

Don't hurry me.

I may be right.

And then...

I may be wrong.

I was wrong.

It's good stuff.

You saved us.

Fine, Sylvia. I've come to take her away.

Sophia. This is Madden. You must go.

You're coming with me.

I can't let you do this. If you're caught, it means certain death.

Oh, don't say this. I love you.

If you love me, come with me.

Double the guards about these gardens.

And the next time, shoot to kill.

Mannyus, bring me Oedipus, the new food taster.

What do you want him for?

He's in love with the Princess Sylvia and therefore should hate the Emperor.

Valerius must be poisoned.

He could be very useful.

Are you the new food taster?

You want something tasted?

The Empress wants to see you in her chambers.

Does the Emperor know about this?

What the Emperor doesn't know won't hurt him. Yes, but what he will know might

cripple me.

Don't be afraid.

What's the matter, Empress?

Don't you feel well?

I don't feel so good myself.

I've got hiccups.

Sit beside me.

Let me hold your hand. No, no.

You start out by holding my hand, and pretty soon you'll want to shuffle the

whole deck.

Why are you so cold?

Maybe it's these clothes.

I'm not used to them.

Excuse me.

You'll wear something out doing that.

Have you ever been fired by passion?

No, but I've been fired by everybody else.

Tell me about your country.

What do they know about love?

Well, enough to keep things going.

We're still building schools.

Show me.

Show me.

I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what.

You scare me.

That'll stop it.

Listen to me, Oedipus.

Tonight, the emperor is going to be poisoned.

Why should that scare me?

See?

He's going to be poisoned by you.

That did it. You notice?

It stopped.

No, it didn't work.

See here, Oedipus. Wait a minute.

I think I can scare myself better.

Boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie.

They got me.

I've been attacked.

We're amongst enemies.

Oedipus.

Look, no more hiccups.

I scared myself good, huh?

Well?

Thanks for trying.

Wait.

What about the poison?

Look, you don't have to scare me anymore.

They're gone now.

Stop wasting time.

Listen.

In a few hours, the Princess Sylvia is dining with the Emperor.

The Princess is in great danger.

You can save her, Oedipus, by poisoning the Emperor at the banquet.

Your own husband?

Well, that's murder, isn't it?

Listen, Mrs. Valerius, of course, it isn't my business, but you're not being

a very good wife.

You dare?

Yes. Your husband works hard all day to give you a nice house and fine clothes.

He comes home at night tired and hungry, and what does he get for his supper?

Poison.

Five food tasters are dead because they were afraid to carry out my plans.

I'm not afraid.

I think you are.

No, really.

I'm not scared.

See?

I command that you leave Rome by tomorrow, never to return.

That Ostia boat will be waiting to carry you to Carthage.

See that you do not miss that boat.

Take him away.

You haven't said hello yet.

Oedipus, I'm leaving Rome forever.

You're leaving?

Do you have to? The emperor has banished me.

Oh, he can't get away with that.

The people love you, Joe.

They won't stand for it. The people will do nothing against Valerius until they

have definite proof of his dishonesty. Oh, I'd give my right arm if I could

find such proof.

Your right arm?

Joe, you're hurt.

How did it happen?

The emperor.

I'm lucky he spared my life.

Wouldn't it have been wiser, Your Majesty, to have had Josephus killed?

The people love him far too much.

In their present temper, it would have been dangerous.

But do not worry.

I've forgotten nothing.

Josephus will not bother us again.

If they're going to serve poisoned food, then Sylvia's in danger.

Oh, yeah.

I must get to her and warn her. Wait.

I can't let you do it for me, Joe.

You'd be caught.

Besides, I, well, you know, Sylvia...

I... But I must, Oedipus.

You see, I love her.

You love her? Yes. My heart throbs. My blood tingles. My head's in a whirl.

Sure you ought to be in bed.

You've got the flu.

Time's up, Josephus.

But Sylvia... Don't worry.

I'll get to her.

Tell her I'll be waiting outside the palace with my chariots.

If the plot succeeds, bring her to me quickly.

The three of us will leave Rome together.

If it fails, I'll come for her myself.

And Oedipus. Yes.

Tell her I love her.

Have you seen the Princess Sylvia?

She's in the royal baths. Through the gardens?

Wait. If you go in there, it means death.

Doesn't anybody around here ever die of old age?

You were told to let no man into these gardens, yet Josephus got in.

I warn you, don't let it happen again.

To your post.

Help!

Let go, will you?

Hey!

You've caught me.

You've caught me by the foot.

Hello, Major.

Fancy meeting you here.

I'll kill you for this.

It was Oedipus. Get him.

I found him trying to get over the garden wall.

I've waited a long time for this opportunity.

Give him a hundred lashes across the back.

But, Your Excellency, it's no use whipping him. He can't be hurt.

You know how he laughed when the Emperor had him tortured.

He's right.

You'd just be wasting your time whipping me. Why, when I'm hit, all I do is

laugh. So you can't be hurt, eh? No.

Well, we'll see.

See? I didn't feel anything.

No? No.

Well, I'll try again.

Certainly. Help yourself.

And this time, I'll make sure.

Well, when are you going to hit me?

Told you it was no use.

It must be black magic.

Black magic.

That's what it is.

Black magic.

But how do you do it, slave?

Oh, just plain everyday magic. I've got a certain magic word.

Yes?

Yes. If I say that magic word, would it mean that I, too, could never feel pain?

Well, I, uh... No, no. What is that magic word?

Oh, I couldn't tell you. You'd go around telling everybody. No, I promise you I'd

never tell anyone.

Opo, mopo, dopo.

Wait.

We'll try that.

I'll say the magic word, and you strike me.

No, no, no, no, no, thanks. Do as I say.

All right, if you insist, but honestly, I wouldn't do this for my own mother.

One, two, ready?

Opomopo. You hurt me.

I felt that. Sure you felt it. You see, I said opomopodopo, and what did you

say?

What did I say? You see, you don't even know yourself.

Come, come, come. I'll get it this time.

Yeah, you'll get it.

One, two, ready.

Oppo, oppo, oppo.

I know just exactly what you're going to say. You felt it again. Sure you did.

You see, you put the accent on oppo instead of putting it on mopo, you dopo.

Yes? Yes.

Well, perhaps I'd learn more quickly if I saw you struck again.

Oh, no, no, no. Guard, you strike him while I listen. And strike him as hard

as you can. Oh, but listen, it's silly. How can you learn if I'm going to do the

practicing? Besides... I don't feel anything.

Strike him.

See?

I didn't feel a thing.

Sylvia?

Oh, yes.

This mud is absolutely wonderful.

Take this little girl right here.

Why, she's only had two treatments, and already you wouldn't recognize her. A

man in here?

I must find him.

It's all finished.

Now keep perfectly quiet.

Who are you?

You don't know who I am? No.

Oh, am I glad to meet you.

Oh, aren't you the Ethiopian beauty specialist?

You sure guessed it. That's what I is.

And the emperor sent me down here to kind of look after the Princess Sylvia.

Oh, I see.

Slave, I'll have you taken to her.

Show the doctor to the Princess Sylvia's compartment.

Thank you, ma'am.

Eyes deep.

Sylvia, I have an important message for you from Josephus. From Josephus?

Quick, give it to me.

Don't eat anything at the emperor's banquet.

Why not?

Never mind. Just lay off the food. I'll bring you an ice cream soda later. But

what of Josephus? Is he safe?

He's okay, and he's waiting to take you to Ostia right after the banquet. Oh,

thank the God.

I almost forgot.

He told me to tell you.

Yes?

He said he loves you.

And I think he means it because he was feeling terrible.

Doctor, we just heard you were here.

Yes, doctor. Can you give us some beauty hints?

Well, all I can tell you is... Athletics, cosmetics, a weighing machine

are part of the feminine daily routine for what?

And oceans of lotions and potions you take to keep that old something or other

awake, why not?

Even after you grow old, baby You don't have to be

a cold baby

Keep young and beautiful.

It's your duty to be beautiful.

Keep young and beautiful if you want to be loved.

Don't fail to do your stuff with a little powder and a puff.

Keep young and beautiful if you want to be loved.

If you're wise, exercise all the fat off. Take it off over here, over there.

When you're seen anywhere with your...

pleasure and the trim little limb is divine oh a sly little eye is a treasure

it'll get him drunker than wine you'll drive him half insane in a

bathing suit of cello

When he kisses you in the dark Get him to hold you tight Let him get a whiff of

Christmas night And keep young and beautiful If you want to be loved

hot in the steam room then you've got to get hot in the cold there is heat to the

beat of the music if they'll let their bodies unfold shake well to slender ride

Be young and beautiful if you want to be loved.

If you want to be loved.

Oh, death, where is thy sting?

I don't care because I've seen everything.

Your Majesty, these taxes will amount to millions of diners more than your palace

will cost. Exactly.

If the bill is passed, you will share in those millions.

You promised us that when we voted on the taxes for the Colosseum. And the

Circus Maximum. And we're still waiting for our money.

This time I promise it before the guards.

I should be for it before we pass the bill.

The Emperor can do no wrong.

So great a truth should be in writing.

Also your promise.

Then you shall have it in writing.

Don't we trust each other?

Who are you?

Idiot! Fool!

I'm pleased to meet you. Have you no respect for senators?

Say, boys, you dropped something.

Sit.

Just like all senators, never listen to the people.

Say, Joe might be able to use this.

Goodbye.

It's been fun knowing you.

Your Majesty, my kitchen is honored.

Is everything in readiness?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Hmm, squabs. I love them. Careful.

There is enough poison in one of those nightingales to kill 50 men.

No wonder the poor little thing is dead.

At the banquet, Oedipus, you will be able to eat one of these nightingales.

Thank you very much.

But I'm on a diet. My doctor has forbidden me any poison.

Only one contains the poison.

And that one is for the emperor.

The emperor.

The emperor.

Long may he live.

Listen closely, Oedipus.

For the banquet, the emperor has ordered these nightingales his favorite food.

When the dish is passed,

you will take the one without the parsley.

For the one without the parsley is the one without the poison.

In a few hours...

I shall be the supreme ruler of Rome.

And you, Oedipus, will be the most popular man. In the cemetery.

When I am ruler, you shall have the province of Egypt.

Egypt.

What I have always wanted.

Remember, Oedipus, the one without the parsley is the one without the poison.

There must be no mistake.

You're telling me.

The one without the parsley is the one without the poison.

The one without the parsley is the one without the parsley. No.

The one without the parsley is the one without the poison.

Come, Oedipus.

The one without the parsley is the one without the poison.

The one without the... The one without the... The one without the poison is the

one without the parsley.

Egypt.

Egypt.

There I can feed my wife to the crocodiles.

The one without the parsley... The one without...

The one without the posse is the one without the poison.

Let the banquet begin.

Where is my food taster?

Where is Oedipus?

Oedipus!

Oedipus! Oedipus!

Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus!

Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus!

Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus!

Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus!

Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus! Oedipus!

Oedipus!

Oed I must be late. You've gone to bed already.

Oedipus, I... I know just what you're going to say.

I'm fired, and you're absolutely right.

If a fellow can't get to work on time, he doesn't deserve to hold a job. I hope

this will teach me a lesson.

Goodbye. Wait.

I forgive you, Oedipus.

What's more, I have a special treat for you.

Deviled nightingales.

I don't deserve it. Deviled nightingales is my favorite dish.

Somehow I never seem to get enough of them.

You'll get enough of them.

What's that? My lunch. A hot dog and a pickle.

Domo, get the mustard. You are my food taster and you eat what I eat.

What are you doing?

Say, wait a minute.

That frankfurter cost me four piffings.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Now what?

He wanted to bite me. How do you know?

Because he bit me.

She won't harm you. That's Cleopatra, the royal crocodile.

Well, Cleopatra's made her mark.

She almost tore my toga.

Go away. Shoo.

Scram. Careful slave.

Cleopatra is of royal descent.

Well, she doesn't behave like it. Fighting people's togas.

The nightingales.

The nightingales.

Egypt.

We'll wait here, Lucius.

The banquet must have started by now.

If the plot fails, by the gods to save Sylvia, I'll kill the emperor myself.

After you, Major.

Drink!

I've got a pain. Maybe it's something I'm going to eat.

Is there a doctor in the house? No.

Well, all right. Then I'll run down to his office. It'll be a little cheaper

anyway.

Taste the nightingales, Oedipus.

You call those nightingales? Look.

Look how tough they are. But don't worry.

We have got a dish here that you'll be crazy about.

Cheese blintzes. Well, I... One cheese blintzes. We have no cheese blintzes.

Oedipus, taste.

That's food for your stomach.

But is it food for your soul?

No. Food for the soul? Yes. Food for your soul. Music. That's what you need.

Listen, friends and Romans, let me have your ear.

Would that I were home for just a day.

I could settle all my country's cares and fear.

I'd call up my president and say, tax your food, your coat and hat.

Tax your income, tax your flat. We can do away with that.

Put a tax on love.

Taxi cabs will have a clock that will register the shock of the kisses on each

block. Put a tax on love.

Every time you go and steal.

The sofa's in the parlors. We'll need lots of reinforcing.

Stop.

I am not amused.

Taste the nightingales.

All right, if you insist.

What are you doing there?

She's hungry.

You see, I'm your food taster and Cleo is mine. How dare you risk the life of

the royal crocodile?

Don't you realize that might be poisoned?

Do I realize?

It's an even bet.

Are you going to eat?

Of course I'm going to eat. I like nightingales. Why, I can eat

nightingales all day long. It would never make any...

There's something strange going on here. What do you know about it? Nothing. I'm

a stranger here. I just came to... Send for the chef.

Valerius. Valerius.

Don't touch those nightingales.

They're poisoned.

What?

He did it. He, Sylvie and Josephus. They want to murder you. The chef just

confessed. Oh, for heavens... I can believe it of Josephus.

And this fool would do anything.

Well, I'm sure you must be mistaken about the princess.

You're right.

She didn't do it. She didn't even know about it. Just as I thought.

It is true.

I wanted you to be destroyed.

You and your whole rotten empire.

Don't believe her. She had nothing to do with it. Hush, hush.

The child is hysterical.

Olga, take her away.

You're the bravest man I've ever known.

Goodbye, Oedipus.

Where are you taking me?

To Josephus.

Oh, Olga.

Well, Oedipus, we come to you.

Couldn't you skip me?

Your Majesty, oughtn't we first to capture Josephus before he leaves the

city? I told you I'd forgotten nothing no more.

Orders have been given to kill Josephus and anyone who accompanies him the

moment they set foot on the border at Astia.

You did that to Joe, you double-crossing... Silence!

Let him speak. These are his last words. All right.

I know all about you, Valerius, you and your racket.

You put up palaces and the people put up twice as much as they cost, and I've got

the proof! Enough!

I command this very day that the food taster Oedipus be thrown to the lions

and torn limb from limb until he is dead!

Now, have you anything to say?

No, I guess that covers everything.

Take him away.

Hey, dear Lucius, if Olga succeeds, bring Oedipus with you.

Goodbye, Olga. May the gods protect you.

The paper was taken from us by force.

Oedipus attacked us in the corridor.

So, that's where he got his proof.

Oedipus! Where's Joe? We've got to stop him. He and the Princess Sylvia have

started for Ostia.

Sylvia, too?

We've got to stop them before they get on that boat or they'll be killed.

How far is it, Ostia? Fourteen miles.

Quick, step on the gas.

Say, how do you stay in this thing? Then into the chariot.

Naomi? Yes.

Your Majesty, yes. And if we still escape? What?

Get him immediately.

Catch him, dead or alive.

Take my fastest chariot years, Domo. And remember, your emperor's honor depends

upon it.

A true chaser has escaped.

One thousand diners for a man that brings him back dead or alive.

Preferably dead.

After him!

Not to stop Joe and Sylvia!

Here they are! Sylvia and Phil!

Hey, Phil!

Don't go to Austria!

The Emperor! You'll be killed!

Oh, shit!

What hit me? You're all right. The wagon hardly touched you. Come on. No, no. Let

me go. I forgot something.

I've got to catch Josephus. I have the evidence against Valerius. Here are my

toga. Your what?

It's gone.

But I had a toga.

And I had a letter written by the emperor, bribing the senators.

What are you talking about?

Here.

Here is Valerius' bribe to the senators.

Here it is.

No. No.

It's Cooper's bride to the chief of police.

Let me look.

Eddie, you're coming back to best room with me.

20 years.

He deserves it. It serves him right.

The town ought to be pretty thankful for Eddie. Eddie ought to get a medal.

Yes, sir.

We'd still be living in the streets if it wasn't for Eddie.