Original subtitles

You can't use your phone in here.

Or what? Is it illegal?

He's never seen a phone indoors before.

You know who used to work here?

Madonna?

Georgia whats-her-name, who Frank had a fling with.

- Oh, really? - Didn't come home last night,

said he slept here.

Hang on, what's happening?

Are we detectives now? Did he sleep here?

Maybe. But who else did? Do you know what I mean?

Should we get a drink?

Oh, what, a "drink" drink?

- Really? - Oh, no, I thought that's what you meant.

No, let's get one if you want one.

Well, do you want one?

- I thought you were suggesting… - No. Ah!

Charlotte!

- Hey. Hello. - Oh!

Shall I lead this? I'll lead this.

What a fun place.

Oh, what does that say?

"Fuck off"? Wonderful.

- Hello. - How are you?

Hello.

Miss Livonia will be joining us today.

I hope that's okay.

No, that's absolutely fine. Who is…

The last time I was here was Elton's 60th.

We got kicked out for doing an impromptu strip dance.

Oh, yes, here she is.

This is Livonia.

"Liv" to her loved ones.

These are my lovely lady agents.

Hello, Mummy.

- Careful, you'll get lipstick on my hair. - I'm not wearing lipstick.

Okay.

Pot of lapsang souchong. Two cups.

We had no idea

- that Charlotte had a daughter. - No.

- Oh, didn't you? - Great.

Well, we've been looking after Charlotte

since she came out of retirement the second time.

I know that, obviously.

Look.

Just talk as if I wasn't here.

Okay. So…

we got the new manuscript.

- Oh. - Wagon Burner.

- Thank you for that. - Thank you, Charlotte.

I hope you liked it.

Absolutely, you know.

- Thank you. - There was some…

Yeah, we did think, though, the team, that it was quite a bit more…

How do I best say it?

It's…

very raunchy.

No bad thing, that's your writing style, but it's quite a bit more graphic.

- Is it? - What's wrong with that?

Nothing. At all.

Alex, do you want to…?

- You want me to… Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, well, we just thought that maybe

you could pull back on some of the more explicit passages

that were from Wyatt's POV.

You mean tell it more from the squaw's perspective?

Well, I don't think you can say that.

We could call it The Squaw Squawked.

Yeah. Yeah, I definitely don't…

don't think we could do that.

In fact, we were thinking that maybe on the next draft

you could leave out the Indigenous People entirely.

Who?

So you're gonna write her books now, are you?

- Well… - Oh!

Good lord. That's Muriel Flack.

- Oh! - Oh.

I thought she died. I'd like to buy her a drink.

Back in a mo-mo.

- Hi. - Hello.

- Charlotte. - Now that she's out of ear reach…

Well, she's not. She's right there.

What?

Just go to the bar, Mummy.

Muriel! Good lord.

I've been looking after my mother for 20 years.

- Oh! I always worked with Emma. - Oh, I thought Emma was her…

- Yeah, she's… - She's great.

Emma?

Emma was not burdened with brains, I'm afraid, no.

Ever since I retired from Coutts, I've been keeping the horse on the course.

And I'm going to be getting a lot more involved

in the running of my mother's estate because, let's be brutal,

I'll be taking it over in the not-too-distant…

Okay.

I'm talking about when she's dead.

Okay.

Okay.

So, what I want to know is,

what do you do to earn your 15%?

Well, we guide Charlotte's career.

She's a marquee name. She's written 83 books.

I hardly think she needs guiding.

Well, editorially, I think she does. She…

Shall I tell you what I do for my mother?

I do her admin. I do her correspondence.

I do her meds. I do her laundry.

I shave her bunions every Thursday night.

I peel her tights off at the end of every day

and I soak them in bicarbonate of soda overnight.

Sorry, you want me to start doing your mother's laundry?

Don't be facetious.

I want you to earn your keep.

We do earn our keep by knowing when a book's not ready.

And it's not just racy, Liv. It's racist. It's the wrong tone.

You have the wrong tone.

How has she got to 92

and not won some kind of lifetime achievement award?

You should be changing the market's perception

- of Charlotte Arbor. - To what?

National treasure.

Somewhere between Judi Dench and our late Queen.

What, with this book?

She'll give it one more pass.

Like it or fuck off.

Yeah, what the hell just happened?

- She's an angry bitch! - Livid.

We should call her that from now on, I mean, between us, "Livid."

Absolutely.

You'll have to do some leg work there, win her around.

Great. Another shriveled dick to suck.

Beats the hell out of waitressing.

Look.

He was never that interested last time.

Do you think it's 'cause I'm emotionally unavailable?

Well, are you emotionally unavailable?

Don't know. Suppose I am.

Maybe.

Frank did stay the night, by the way.

I asked at reception.

He's got paralytic and was carried up to his room.

- Oh. - So, all good.

- Who carried him up? - Who what?

Who carried Frank up to his room?

- For God's sake. - What?

- Taxi! - Where are…

You're not coming back to the office?

Going home. Send Livid a fruit basket.

Start the charm offensive.

- Take me to… - Okay.

- Linden Road. - I'll send her bananas and some lube?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings,

but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Oh, you're a king, you say?

Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed

and wondered where my brother was.

Can I come in and talk to you, honey?

Thanks, darling.

What are you up to?

Nothing.

Okay, good. Well, are you heading back to uni tomorrow or…

I'm not going back.

What do you mean?

- I'm dropping out. - You're not dropping out.

What are you talk… you worked hard for that place.

- No, I didn't. - Ruari, you can't…

What…

Shit.

You… Listen.

If you don't like the course that you picked,

then you just transfer to another course.

Okay? Like…

You know, I can't think of the other courses' names right now,

but you can't just drop out.

- Well, I am. - Well, then give me a reason.

- Everyone in Kent is a cunt. - Ruari!

Everyone in Kent can't be a cunt.

- Why is your yoga shit in here? - Forget the yoga shit.

- Okay, I've paid for fees, so… - You get six weeks' grace.

- I checked. - Well, I need a proper reason.

I want to get into comedy.

You want to get into what?

Stand-up comedy.

Since when?

I don't know.

We're not finished talking about this.

Yeah, we are.

Shit. We're not.

That is really yellow.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I never noticed that before.

Well, I guess you've only been here at night.

- And drunk. - That's right, huh?

What romantics we are.

So, I wanted to ask you, is the not answering your phone thing,

is that like playing hard to get, kind of?

Oh, no, no, I've never played hard to get

once in my life, ever.

- With anyone. - Okay.

Although now's not a great time.

Right. So, I was gonna ask you out for a drink,

but maybe we could do it tomorrow.

Yeah. Just tell me where to be.

I think that's mine.

Kenton, 8:00 p.m.

- Great. Perfect. - Yeah.

Or The William at 7:00?

The William at 7:00. Alright, see you there.

Oh, could you help me bring it up?

It's a curbside delivery.

Do you mind bringing it up?

I'm a single parent and…

I mean, clearly,

something went on there that he's not telling me.

I don't know what, but I'm worried.

Get him off social media. That's giving him extra anxiety.

Listen, don't worry about the internet giving him anxiety, okay?

My genetics are taking care of that.

Your son's having a crisis.

You can't just swan off to Toronto.

Look, you're catastrophizing.

No, we can't preemptively upend our lives just in case something bad happens.

If you don't come over and help,

I'm gonna tell Theresa we're having an affair.

Hey, I just looked up that bar.

It's a bit rough round there. Shall I meet you at the tube?

Easier than taking everyone's order.

Jesus. Careful, mate.

Ah! Scrum!

How long is his internship?

A month.

- Yeah, that better go quick. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, we have got Frankfurt

coming up, as you all know,

and this year is a very important one for us.

I want you, Freddie, or whoever's replacing you,

prepping the catalog, so when someone picks it up,

they immediately get what we're about.

Any word from Meredith

about Alex and I doing our panel?

Yes, I'll chase her.

I just heard Malcolm Hammond is doing the Innovation Stage

- on Wednesday. - What, you kidding me?

What's his panel called? "A Guide to Sweating"?

Why would they want him? What's his book about?

- It's a romantasy. - It's Goblin Sex.

Apparently some Korean teen with eight million followers

discovered it on TikTok and it went viral.

Okay, Alex.

Update.

- Oh! Yafa Barghouti. - Oh, I thought

we decided he wasn't for us.

Well, you did, but I…

Well, the last time we gave him thoughts,

he never delivered a rewrite.

He is unreliable.

Yeah, well, his family were under siege.

Yeah, I don't have time for sieges unless there's a book in it.

- Put "siege" on there. - Well, you don't have

time for sieges, but I'm…

Are there tea bags in here?

- Yeah, yeah. - I have time,

- so I'd love to… - Well, honestly, just concentrate

on the Wagon Burner redraft.

That's what you're great at, and that's a priority.

Let's just move on.

Dylan?

Yeah…

Yes, we sold the audio rights for Baby Fingers

in Italy yesterday.

So, that's 20 territories now.

Mm, you should let Jessie know, Alex.

- Well done. - Yeah.

North America are super keen, too, so.

- Very good. - Wow, wow, wow!

What?

- Just saying "wow." - Well, don't.

- What's wrong? - Jesus. Nothing.

I gotta go, but I had a good chat with Ruari.

Got it sorted.

Oh, you did? That's great!

Yeah, yeah, I honestly don't see a problem with him taking a year out.

- What? - Alex.

Kids do it.

And, you know, he seems really very set

on this comedy thing, which could be bang on

- for him creatively. - What are you talking about?!

He can do that bullshit at uni!

Yeah, the bigger issue is,

he wants to come to Toronto, and that's not gonna work.

You know, I'll be filming, you know, mainly speaking in space language.

Right, well, did you tell him he can't come?

Of course, I didn't tell him.

No, of course, you didn't.

I gotta go. I got a ton of research piling up.

The show's based on a video game,

so I've had to play that nonstop.

What's it like to just never have to grow up?

Well, I'm sorry my job seems fun to you.

Fuck off.

Sorry about earlier on the Yafa thing.

Just not right now, okay?

Well, does "not right now" mean never?

Because I have a strong feeling in my…

that he's the kind of writer we want on our client list.

I mean, look what I did with Jessie.

Yeah, let's just talk about that later.

- Can I show you something? - What?

That bitch should wear a bra at work, don't you think?

She's not mixing cocktails with her tits, is she?

Look.

- Yeah, they're ludicrous, yeah. - Yes, right?

- Do men even like that? - Do men like giant tits?

I mean, yes and no.

- No, yours are nicer. - Thank you, baby.

Ooh!

We're signing a contract with Damian Lewis.

You're joking.

- His Dog Meat book? - People will buy it.

- That is unhinged. - Stop having fake principles.

- What? - It's lost its novelty.

- Mum? - Yeah?

- Did you talk to Dad? - Uh…

I think Toronto could be a great place for a year out,

which is fine 'cause I could get a part-time job

in a bar so I'd, like, pay my way…

Oh, well, it's not about paying your way.

I think me and Dad could use the time together.

And he said he'd like that, too.

Yeah, he…

Look, I think it's just… it's not gonna work.

You know, I'm sure Dad would love it

but he'll be filming mad hours, and, you know, Canada…

Ruari?

It's just, it's not practical, okay, it's…

- What's the matter? - Get out of my room.

Is this something to do with Mia?

Because if you don't talk to me, then you know,

- I can't have… - Get out of my fucking room, Mum!

Shit! What the hell?

- Nutter! - Clear your yoga shit out!

Yeah?

Delivery.

Frank told me your nickname for me.

"Ex-Pat." It's very funny.

Yeah? Glad it made you laugh.

I never considered myself an ex, to be honest.

I didn't know you thought of me as a thing.

What's a "thing"?

You know, like a partner, a boyfriend.

We never had the conversation,

so I didn't know…

"We never had the conversation"?

Oh, sorry, I forgot we were on Love Island.

- And not 50. - I'm only 47.

Is that girl you had at Frank's thing "a thing"?

She's peak childbearing age, at least.

Come here.

- What? - What?

I don't need an emotional rescue,

- if that's what this… - It's due diligence aftercare.

Shut up, I like hanging out with you, I always have.

I don't wanna hang out, though.

I want a relationship.

So do I.

With a grown, adult man.

Me too, after this.

Your bum is so nice and soft.

Do you wanna get a drink?

No.

You know, that's the first time we've had sober sex.

Is it? Huh.

- And what did you think? - I liked it.

- Yeah. - Yeah, I'd do it again.

I liked it, too. I prefer it.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Tea, water, soup? - Soup?

Tea.

Do you like this?

Yeah, it's lovely man music.

Yeah, I've been on this deep Welsh dive.

Can't get enough of this sound. It's so plaintive.

Mm.

I'm gonna do the soup as well.

Let's wait with you for the kettle.

Okay, great.

Do you write for these guys?

God, no. That wouldn't pay the bills.

- Do you read them? - Of course, I bloody well do.

- No, I mean, do you read them all? - Yes!

- Like, you've got loads of them. - Yeah.

Okay, what's the best thing you've learned from Science Monthly?

Mice have a fucking awful time.

- I have to go. - What?

Yeah, I have a load of stuff on tomorrow.

And, you know, I got it. Is my bra in there? Is that out…

Well, what do you have on? I want to know.

Like, do you have to read mighty tomes?

Yeah, I've got a pile of shite to read.

Gotta collect my mum from hospital.

She's got diabetes. She lost a toe.

That's mad, 'cause I found a toe the other day.

How's your da, he alright?

Mild-ish Alzheimer's?

Like Joe Biden, second-term level.

Can run the free world, but can't run a bath?

- Yeah. - Ah, honey, I'm sorry.

My folks are still living it up in Tenerife.

You can't get them out of their kaftans.

What? What age are they?

Ah! My mum's 65.

What? That's not fair.

- What the fuck? - Ah, don't worry.

They'll be riddled with melanoma soon enough.

- Okay. - Do you have to go?

Yeah, I gotta go.

Oh.

Okay.

- Bye. - Can I at least see you out?

No. That's…

That's a nice image to take with me.

Do this.

Phwoar!

Okay, send me a dick pic later.

And…

I can't do the baby thing…

still, you know, just in case you've forgotten your GCSE Biology.

I mean, I could, but it would be like a literal raisin.

I love raisins.

Bye.

But the rhythm propelled us further into our sin.

My clothes were ripped off me.

And as soon as my loincloth was off,

his fingers were inside me.

This is filthy.

Wyatt said, "Have you ever had it like this before, Miss Sheshiba?"

I could only put my hands over my mouth as I moaned and made noises

- I'd never made before. - Oh, Jesus Christ.

Ancient, tribal, animal.

Morning. Don't forget, you're taking Mum to hospital for her toe.

- Huh? - Love you.

No, you were taking her.

I'm bringing her back.

Yeah, sorry, baby brain, or early menopause.

Ugh, thank you, cancer. Come here.

I might see if they'll keep Dad in for a bit.

Yes, please.

Come here, if it is menopause, then good luck

dealing with terrible twos when you have hot sweats

and a dry fanny. What?

Where's the fucking kettle?

Ruari?

Have you got the kitchen appliances?

Great. I thought we'd been burgled.

I borrowed the kettle. Calm down.

Yeah, and a toaster.

That is expensive ham, okay?

That's not "leave on your bedroom floor" ham.

- Great, and now it smells. - All ham smells.

That is expensive French butter!

Entitled little shit.

Mum!

What are you doing? Mum?

I'm coming, Ruari. Jesus Christ.

- Let me get my phone. - Mum, come on, let's go!

Why the sudden urgency?

- Hurry up! - Coming!

It's so normal to have a wobble your first week.

You know, I had.

Jesus, this place is a bit prisony, isn't it?

Wait. Ruari?

Do you want me to go in with you?

Bridget!

Bridget!

Is that Mia's friend?

Is that Bridget from school?

What's going on?

Hey. Sorry, I'm in Kent.

I'm just dealing with something for Ruari.

Oh, okay. We had a loose plan for tonight,

- but fine, if not. - Oh, no, we can…

I'll call you back.

Oh, shit.

Ruari?

- What are you doing? - I'm gonna go.

I just wanted to have a little…

It smells of tuna bake farts here.

Where's all your stuff?

Ruari?

Is that your stuff?

It's okay. It's all here.

Well, who moved it all? We should speak to someone,

the accommodations person or the Dean or…

Can you stop fucking talking?! Stop.

Stop fucking talking.

Look, just wait here.

Oh, hey, do you live here?

- Yeah. - Do you know Ruari?

All his stuff has been put into bin bags, and I just…

- Did something happen? - I don't know, I'm sorry.

Well, you clearly know something.

I mean, I know he can be divisive.

- He's a bit forthright sometimes… - "Forthright"?

Is that a new word for "pervert"?

Come on.

Can I go home now?

Yeah.

Sorry, I'm not down for fun.

Oh, that's okay, we'll just go to the pub.

Oh, this is just for getting from A to B. It's no fun whatsoever.

Oh, and also, could you hold that for me?

Shit. Is this safe?

We'll find out.

Oh, shit.

- Oh, shit. - Whoa, I can't see a thing, can you?

- Oh, shit. - There you go.

Oh, God.

- Ooh, there's a bump. There's a bump. - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.

- Cobbles hurt your balls. - What, my balls?

Interrupt us. We'll walk it from here.

Whew, close one.

- There you go. - Is it down there?

Yeah.

- My arms are too long for yours. - I disagree.

It's Ruari. Let me just ignore this.

I can only handle one calamity at a time.

My mum just had her second toe removed.

- Sorry. - Oh. No, no, no.

Oh, God.

That's why I wanted to have a drink with you,

just to say if this isn't the right time…

What? No, it is.

It is the right time. It has to be the right time,

'cause another time's gonna be too late.

It won't be too late. You know, relax.

The world's not ending. We have time.

- I don't. - You are a mad woman.

But I really want this.

You.

Oh, God, I hate the hugs when I've said something needy.

What does this hug mean?

It means I want this, too.

You.

But I don't wanna be an added stress in your life.

You have a lot of important things to concentrate on.

So, you think I'm being a bad parent?

How did you hear that with what I just said?

Right, well, it's different for you. You know, you're a man.

You have no kids, you have no responsibilities.

Your parents are still in their fucking 60s somehow,

pissed up, having the craic in Tenerife.

Well, my dad's 74 and an alcoholic, but go on.

You've got no idea what I have to deal with

because you've never had to be a serious person.

Okay.

- Wow. - Sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're right, it's too much with everything right now.

So, okay.

- Thanks. - What? Don't leave just like that.

Where are you going, trying to run away from me?

No, I'm trying to run away from me, just…

- I need a drink. - Okay, yeah.

Don't follow me.