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1 ♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Oh, morning, Ma.

Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?

It's a very personal question.

That long, huh?

Perfect.

Then you shall be the queen of the Festival of the Dancing Virgins.

Ma, what are you talking about?

Once a year, the women of my village

threw a festival to recapture their virginity.

It gives you a chance to say to the man in your life,

"What kind of tramp do you take me for?"

We had a Festival of the Dancing Virgins in St. Olaf, too.

Every year, we'd go down to the lake,

and they'd be flopping around on the dock.

Oh, no, wait.

That was the Festival of the Dancing Sturgeons.

What is wrong with you, woman?

OK, Queenie...

I have to make salsa grandioso again,

and this time, I'm gonna teach you how.

Oh, Ma. Not the sauce, Ma, no.

That takes weeks. There are 152 ingredients.

I just don't have the time.

Dorothy, for 1400 years, the women in our family

have been handing this recipe down from mother to daughter.

Each generation improves upon it in some way.

Like, for instance, it was my great-grandmother who added heat.

What did you add, Sophia?

A mouthful of wine.

It was an accident.

A delicious accident.

Well, Ma, I just can't do it now.

I'm gonna be teaching that honors program class,

and it's going to be a challenge.

I'm gonna have students who know that Chekhov is

a brilliant Russian playwright,

not the guy who was the navigator on the Enterprise.

I didn't know the guy from Star Trek wrote plays.

So, what you're telling me is I'm gonna take this recipe with me to the grave.

Right along with the secret

of why Uncle Gino legally adopted that goat.

Sophia, why don't you teach me the recipe?

I'm practically a daughter.

You have to hand it down to a blood relative

or the queen of the festival.

When was the last time you had sex?

A couple of weeks ago.

Let's not split hairs.

Congratulations. You're the queen.

I'm the quee--

I'm the queen?

You're also the fool, so we're saving a lot on payroll.

Aw, leave her alone. We have to get to work on the sauce.

We begin by taking a shallow bath in olive oil

at 7:34 Sicily time.

Why? Originally it was to keep the Visigoths away.

But if ain't broke, don't fix it.

Am I convincing?

As what, ye olde towne slut?

It so happens our community playhouse

is doing The Taming of the Shrew,

and I'm to audition for the role of Kate,

the fiery tart of Padua who no man could tame.

(doorbell rings)

Hark. Perhaps a suitor doth approacheth.

Do you think he'll thtay all night?

Rebecca, what a surprise.

Look at you.

And you used to yell at me for wearin' halter tops.

Mama, I just got a job interview,

and I really need you to baby-sit for Aurora.

Aurora. I just hate that name.

Why couldn't you have found something more musical,

more - more Southern, more beautiful?

Sorry, Blanche.

Look, I know you don't like the name,

and I know you think I'm bringin' her up wrong.

No, I just don't see why you have to feed her

when you come to visit me at the museum.

You don't see me taking out my breast in public.

A lot.

I'd love to stay and argue with you, but I have to go.

You know how much I wanna be with Oreo, but...

Aurora, Mama. Aurora.

I just have such a block against that name. Rebecca -

You promised if I moved to Miami you'd help me out,

and I really need this job.

Oh, here.

You have a good time with Grandma.

Rebecca! Will you stop sayin' that?

You keep callin' me "Grandma," she's gonna grow up to think that's my name.

...yours if you talk of tales,

and so, farewell.

(man) Thank you.

Would you like to see Kate another way?

God, yes. Next!

Blanche Devereaux.

Hi. Larry, is that you?

No, Larry's not directing this one. He's sick.

His back didn't go out again, did it?

How did you know?

I performed Annie for him.

Really? Where?

None of your business.

OK.

Jason will be your Petruchio, page 85.

"Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife."

"Moved? In good time, let him that moved you hither move you hence."

(crying)

All right, all right, all right.

"I knew you at the first. You were a moveable."

Thou hast hit it. Come, sit on me.

Ooh. Oh.

"Asses are made to bear, and so are you."

(Aurora fussing)

Women are made to bear, and so are you.

Shh, shh, shh.

"No such jade as m-- you if me you mean."

OK. I've heard enough. Thank you.

Oh, please. I've waited my whole life to play this part.

Long wait.

Thank you, Miss Devereaux. Let's take a five.

Oh, shoot.

Well, I thought you were great.

Oh! Well, uh, I was born to act.

I've given some of my best performances on the stage.

And what about this little lady?

I bet her daddy is very proud of her.

She doesn't have a daddy, do you, sweetheart?

Really? Well, she has a very talented mother.

How do you know?

I just saw her act. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

And your name was...?

Jason Stillman.

Did you happen to see Breakfast At Tiffany's?

Yes. Well, I was in the party scene.

Audrey Hepburn spilled a drink on me.

But they cut it out.

I'm impressed.

I've settled here in Florida recently. Oh.

Maybe you and your daughter

could join me for an afternoon

at the zoo one day soon?

My... daughter and I would love that.

I'll give you a call. Are you in the book?

Bold print.

Hi, Pussycat. How was school?

Oh, I hate those smart kids.

They may be our brightest, but they're also our rudest,

considering most of them are guests in our country.

Oh, give me a class of red-blooded underachievers.

Pussycat, when you were in junior high school

and the kids gave you a hard time, what did I say?

You told me I was extra-special and they were just jealous.

That's right, and if they still gave you a hard time, what did I tell you to say?

"My mother can have you eliminated with one phone call."

But, Ma, this is different.

I've always wanted to teach an honors class,

but now that I am, well, the kids are making me feel stupid.

Dorothy, I'm gonna tell you something I never told you before.

When you were about 12 and we lived in Brooklyn,

they called me into the school

to tell me you had the highest IQ in the borough.

That's a coincidence.

I was told I had the IQ of a burro.

Ma, I had no ide-- The brightest kid in Brooklyn?

Well, that certainly explains the feeling

of being right all the time.

What is it?

173.

I don't know if you know this,

but a burro can find its way back home.

Have fun shopping, Rose.

Oh, I'll be back. (laughs)

Oh, Dorothy, what crossword puzzle are you doing?

Sunday New York Times'.

In ink.

Isn't Rebecca here with the baby yet?

She called and said she'd be a little late.

You know, Blanche, it's so nice

to see you take this much of an interest in your granddaughter.

Well, I have to. Jason thinks the baby's mine.

Well, don't look at me that way.

He thought the baby was mine.

I just didn't correct him.

It's not a lie. I'm-I'm just...

withholding the truth.

Blanche, how could you do that?

Because over the past couple of weeks,

I've really gotten to like him.

If I go back now and tell him the truth, he'll think I'm a liar.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave

when first we practice to tell a fib.

Walt Whitman here has a point.

What's with this guy? He must be blind as a bat.

There are lots of ways you can trick a man

into thinkin' you're younger than you really are.

You wear sunglasses, put on a little extra makeup,

go to dimly lit restaurants.

We've all done that.

Fly to Nevada to get a fake birth certificate.

Have a phony high school yearbook printed up.

Change the dates on your parents' graves.

We've all done that.

(doorbell rings)

Wonder if that's Jason.

Listen, I'm warnin' you,

if anybody blows the whistle on me,

the old lady's out on the street.

Rose, go in the other room and cry like a baby.

Get. Go! Move it.

She owns us.

Jason. Blanche.

I really wanna thank you again for these ray blockers.

I didn't think I'd get used to everything being pink, but it's kinda fun.

I guess we oughta be on our way.

Honey, Alligator Grotto has been there a thousand years.

It can wait another few minutes. Good afternoon, ladies.

Why don't you take the glasses off and stay a while?

Yoo-hoo, gotta go. Where's the baby?

The baby's sleeping.

Let me take a peek.

At the Greater Miami Baby Sleep Center.

It's sort of a flophouse for infants.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that must be the baby and her nanny now.

Hi, everyone.

Sorry I'm late, but you'll never guess what happened today.

Tell me later. Give me the baby and leave.

She said, "Mama." Ah.

Too bad, Blanche, that you weren't there.

Yeah, too bad, but I'm sure she'll say it again.

OK, let's go.

Wait.

Let me get a picture.

Isn't she the most beautiful mother you've ever seen?

Grand, just grand.

(shutter clicks)

You know, Blanche,

this is like a perfect family.

Well, almost perfect.

Maybe someday there'll be room for me.

And who knows... maybe even a little one of our own.

And a pinch of red pepper...

That's not a pinch.

Did you ever get pinched by an Italian? It takes about five minutes.

Hi. What are you doin' up?

You have school tomorrow.

Oh, I'm just too smart for my own good.

I feel as trapped and isolated

as Soren Kierkegaard in his final days.

(laughing)

What?

That's such a funny name.

Oh, Rose,

dear, sweet, single-digit-IQ Rose.

Oh, I've been tossing and turnin'.

I can't sleep.

I don't know what I'm gonna do about Jason.

He's reached a point in his life where he's anxious to settle down.

He wants us to have another child right away.

Well, frankly, I don't know if I want another baby so soon.

I understand.

Wait a couple years, and Medicare will pay for it.

Why wait? Have it now and The Enquirer will pay for it.

It's so unfair.

We're both about the same age,

but he can go on makin' babies the rest of his life.

I feel like the Spruce Goose.

People may visit, play with the controls,

but I'll never really fly again.

(doorbell rings)

Hello!

And how is little Aurora doing today?

Oh, what a good girl she was this mornin'.

She was just smilin' and smilin' and smilin'.

I know sometimes it's just gas,

but she was so cute.

Ma, it's not cute once you pass 80.

Oh, I thought I heard company.

Come here, you.

Aurora just got up, so you may not be able

to put her down for a nap this afternoon.

That's all right. I enjoy it when she's awake.

Mother, this is so unlike you.

You've never really liked babies.

Rebecca, go home.

You're interfering in my and the baby's bondin' time.

Before I go, I just wanna say it's been wonderful

seein' the open, honest and lovin' relationship you're havin' with Aurora.

You've been great.

I love you, Mama.

Wait.

I'm not as perfect as you think I am.

There's something you oughta know.

(doorbell rings)

Hi. I hope I'm not too early.

You're right on time. There's something I wanna tell you.

I'm not the baby's mother. I'm her grandmother.

I don't believe this.

I should have told you sooner, but when we first met, I was very attracted to you,

and I couldn't believe you thought I was the baby's mother.

What were you thinkin' of?

Well, I thought, "Who am I to judge?"

I was bald at 23.

Well, I guess this puts an end to our relationship.

You probably don't want to go out with a grandmother.

No, I'd-- I'd go out with a grandmother.

I don't want to go out with someone I can't trust.

Goodbye, Blanche.

Well, that's that.

No use cryin'.

Shall we take the baby to the park?

Why? So you can pick someone else up?

I really thought you were gettin' to love Aurora,

but you were just usin' your granddaughter to try and land a man.

Goodbye, Mama.

Thanks for baby-sittin'.

You won't have to do it again.

Oh, good, you're home for the Festival of the Dancing Virgins.

The sauce is almost ready.

I'm not staying for dinner tonight.

There's a meeting at Mensa.

That's the organization for people with high IQs like mine.

You know, in St. Olaf we had a chapter of Mensa,

and across the room was Girlsa.

No, wait, those were the bathrooms

at St. Olaf's only Italian restaurant.

Hold it, Dorothy.

Not stay for dinner? Not stay for the sauce?

Miss the whole festival?

Where's your sense of family, your sense of tradition?

Ma, it's just that I want to be around my intellectual peers.

I got bad news for you, Pussycat. You are.

I made up your IQ.

I wasn't the brightest kid in Brooklyn?

So I lied. Did it help you get along with your honors class?

Yes, but... Ma, you lied to me.

Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny.

I've been messin' with your head for almost 60 years.

I guess you don't feel like Sorten Kareerdybarten now.

That's Soren Kierkegaard.

I got her to say it again.

What's goin' on?

Oh, good, trollop. Everybody grab a rock.

Go on, throw 'em. I don't care anymore.

Oh, honey, you still that upset about Jason?

I'm not upset about him.

I would never get that upset about a man.

Rebecca called, asked if she could come over

and get the baby's things.

I asked her if we could talk.

She said we have nothin' to talk about.

And we have so much to talk about.

The trouble is, we always end up fightin'.

Look who's here!

Oh, Sophia, see if you can get them to stay for dinner.

No, really, thank you. I just came by to pick up a few things.

There's just plenty of food. Thank you anyway.

I'll get the baby's things.

Come on, it's 6:30.

We're already five minutes behind schedule.

Rose, before you bring in the sauce,

tell us what ingredient you added.

I don't want to spoil the surprise.

I'll give you a hint.

They're sugary and they're grrrrreat!

Dorothy, you're gonna have to do

the Dance of the Virgins by yourself.

Ma! You remember.

It's like the bunny hop, except you keep your legs crossed.

Ma, you're making this up.

I'm adding to it.

Once every year, the women of my family got together.

They danced, they laughed, they ate.

It was a celebration of mothers and daughters.

Don't turn your back on your mother, Rebecca.

Don't let your little girl grow up without a grandmother.

I'm 85, and I still cherish all the memories that I had with mine.

(fussing)

I think I've got everything.

Can I kiss Aurora goodbye?

No.

No?

We're not goin' anywhere.

Give me that baby.

Ohh. Ohh.

On with the feast.

Oh, Ma, I may not have an IQ of 173,

but I know what you mean by continuity and family.

And next year, I want to learn the sauce.

Deal, Pussycat. It's not that hard.

First you get one large pot, a dozen plump tomatoes

and one moron to do all the work for you.