Original subtitles

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1 ♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Woe is me. Woe, O, woe is me!

Problem, Blanche?

Yes. It's my hair -

it has split ends, it's dull and listless,

it makes my face look...

Its age?

If you're gonna make fun of somebody, make fun of Rose.

I need the professional care

of the most talented hairdresser in Miami -

Robert. Oh, he's brilliant.

Do you know he was the first one ever to use mousse?

I'd check my facts if I were you, Blanche.

Mr. Ingrid of St. Olaf

has been using moose ever since I can remember.

Of course, it's his own professional secret

which part of the moose he uses.

But it'll keep your hair in place

in winds up to 130 miles an hour.

I just don't believe you, Rose!

Ask Conway Twitty.

The problem is, Robert charges $300,

and it's just not in my budget this month.

Oh, that's the trouble with being beautiful -

the maintenance will kill you.

I have an idea, Blanche.

How about moonlighting and making some extra money?

Another job?

Rose, I already work my fingers to the bone

12 hours a week at the museum.

"Picasso on your left, snack bar downstairs."

It's a wonder I'm not an alcoholic.

What I meant was, how about working for me?

I'm swamped with this project for Enrique Mas,

and there is money for an assistant.

Tell me more.

Well, we're compiling statistics

on supplemental healthcare for seniors.

Some companies are preying on fear

and then using loopholes to avoid paying claims.

For someone on fixed income, it's a matter of life and death.

By "Tell me more," I mean, "Does it pay $300?"

Well, I suppose that'd be OK.

But I can't believe, with something this important,

that you are still so self-centered.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Count me in.

Dorothy, can you drive me to the mall Friday night?

They're giving free blood pressure tests,

and some of the girls and I have a high-low bet.

Ma, honey, don't you remember?

Friday night we're planning on having dinner

at Joe's Stone Crab.

Oh? It's your wedding anniversary.

Oh, yeah, right. Sounds nice.

Ma, you didn't forget, did you?

Oh, forgive me, I forgot something.

Maybe you should ship me back to Shady Pines.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll be in the living room being feeble.

If I can find the living room!

(Blanche) Dorothy, what just happened?

Well, weren't you listening? Sophia came in and asked Dorothy

to drive her to the mall for a blood pressure test.

And then Dorothy told Sophia that they had a date

to go out to dinner Friday night, and then Sophia said...

Would you hand me the newspaper?

Oh.

No, the "Metro" section.

...that she and the girls...

Hey, don't kill the messenger.

(sighs) It's Ma.

She's becoming more forgetful.

And she denies it and she gets mad.

How bad is it? Bad.

It's not just a matter of small things anymore.

I can't believe she forgot this dinner.

I mean, every year since my father died,

I've been taking her out to dinner

on her wedding anniversary, because she's lonely.

Maybe you'd better talk to her doctor about this.

You're right, Blanche.

I guess I've just been hoping

that things would improve by themselves.

You know, I never thought Ma would lose her memory.

Of course, I never thought

Alan Alda would get on my nerves.

Ma, can we talk for a minute?

I'm going through the family album.

I thought I'd pay your father a visit.

Look, here we all are!

Your sweet sixteen party, right?

Right!

Look at that beautiful chiffon dress.

Yeah, your brother Phil always did like to make a splash.

Ah, look!

The Jersey shore, summer 1939.

Pop sure loved playing with you kids.

Why do I look so upset?

Oh, Ma, don't you remember?

Pop was a big fan of Jean Harlow's back then.

You hated it when he made sand breasts

in front of the children.

(chuckles) He was really some character.

Oh, look at us.

Oh, boy, your father sure looked stupid.

Stupid? Ma, this was one of your favorite pictures.

Oh, Pop looks so proud.

The idiot's dressed like an organ grinder.

Yes. Yes, he is.

Remember, we had no money,

and he refused to go on assistance.

He vowed that he would take any job to feed his family.

And we had meat on the table every night.

I don't know he did it on 10 cents a day.

Where's the monkey?

Oh, look, there you are, stirring sauce.

Ah, my old kitchen. Yeah.

And there are the potholders Grandma made,

your pasta maker.

Ah, the pantry.

Remember what Pop kept behind the pantry door?

Yeah, he carved a giant heart there

that said "Sal loves Sophia."

No, Ma, it was our height measurements.

He kept track of them on the back of the pantry door.

Dorothy, that was my kitchen, that was my Sal,

and he put the heart there because he loved me.

That I remember!

I'm sure you do.

Listen, Ma...

why don't we talk to your doctor

and see what he has to say, hmm?

Yeah, well... maybe.

I don't remember half these photos.

I don't remember Brooklyn.

I don't even remember you going off to your senior prom.

Ma, I never went to my senior prom.

Actually, I did remember that,

but why should I be the only one here to feel like crap?

Hi.

Blanche, I thought you were gonna be working.

You don't think playing three sets of tennis in this heat is work?

When are you gonna get the survey done?

Rose, let me explain something.

Now, in this world, there are two kinds of people.

One is an industrious, hardworking, give 100%,

pain-in-the-butt-to- everybody-else go-getter.

I am not one of those people.

Gee, I wish I felt better about this.

Well, I wish you did, too.

Sophia, Dorothy, how did it go at the doctor's?

It was great.

He said that Ma's memory problem

could be related to a nutritional imbalance,

so he put her on a special diet, and if she follows it,

she'll be fine from here on out.

Oh, lucky me, I can remember from now on.

My whole past is gone!

I could have slept with JFK and don't even know it!

Ma, I don't think so.

You're not mentioned in any of the books.

Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Ma, come on, now.

He also said that there are things that you can do

that might bring back some of what you've lost.

I mean, we could talk about the good old days,

reminisce with old friends.

Honey, you have to look on the bright side.

I've had a lifetime of bright sides.

I'll just have to learn to do without them.

Oh, dammit.

I hate watching what this is doing to her.

I hate watching what it's doing to you.

I hate watching those FBI warnings

at the beginning of video rentals.

Oh, hello, sir.

I am conducting a phone survey

regarding healthcare for the elderly.

May I ask your age?

That's not so old!

And what's your general health?

That's good.

What would you say is your annual income?

Oh, that's very good!

Marital status?

Oh, I am sorry. How long?

Three weeks!

I'd say it was time you were getting on with your life, honey.

Thank you very much.

Blanche, marital status is not a question on the survey.

Well, I'm sorry, Rose, but I ask a man 20 questions,

you can bet your life one of 'em's gonna be, "Are you married?"

I can't believe it! Haven't you done anything?

Of course I have. Do you see this big stack right here?

Well, just behind it is what I have done.

It's only one survey, but I'm very proud of it.

I should've known this was gonna happen.

You should never work with friends.

You're fired.

You can't fire me.

That's against the law - that's sex discrimination.

Oh.

Well, I'll give you one more chance.

Wait a minute! How is it sex discrimination?

That's what I was doing this afternoon

when I didn't get this work done.

How's Sophia? I don't know.

Today's her anniversary. She won't come out of her room.

I've never seen her like this.

She is really depressed.

Adios! Everybody wave goodbye!

I'm off to Brooklyn!

Honey, what are you doing?

I'm going back to the old neighborhood.

The doctor said it would help if I stirred up some memories.

Ma, you can't go back there alone!

No kidding. I'm 83. I walk to the driveway,

it's a coin toss whether I get back.

You're coming with me.

I am?

What the hell? You paid!

Look, I can deal with losing some of my memory.

If I didn't have to remember what's-her-name over here, I wouldn't care.

But Sal was the most important person in my life,

and scrapbooks aren't doing the trick.

OK, Ma, if this is what you really want to do...

It's not what I want to do, it's what I have to do.

Dorothy, today is my anniversary,

and I barely remember getting married.

You know, I hate getting old.

You always seem to be losing something.

First it's your eyesight.

Then people are telling you to turn down the TV set

when you can barely hear it.

And you could live with that. But this?

They're trying to take something from me that I just won't give.

I can't let this happen, Dorothy.

I can't lose my Sal.

Not again.

Isn't it good to be back in the old neighborhood, Dorothy?

Watching the kids playing stickball on the corner?

Ma, they were beating a man.

That was sort of why I called the police.

Ah, they were just having a good time.

(doorbell rings)

Now, look, Ma, I don't want you to be disappointed

if the new tenants don't let us in.

Buenos días.

Oh, God!

I'm Dorothy Zbornak. This is my mother, Mrs. Petrillo.

I know this is going to sound odd,

but we used to live here many, many years ago,

and we were hoping that we could look around -

you know, for old times' sake.

Would that be possible?

Petrillo?

They let Italians live here?!

Look, we came all the way from Miami. Please?

OK. But don't take anything.

I'm meeting my family, so I can only give you a little while.

We appreciate it very much.

You see, my mother is having a memory problem.

We were hoping that if we looked around the apartment...

There's no need to explain.

I have an elderly mother myself.

Oh, One more thing. Yes?

Don't take anything.

Dorothy, look - my old wallpaper.

Oh, God, it feels the same.

And that big old window I used to look out of.

Oh, Ma, I remember when I was a little girl

playing out in the street.

I can still hear your voice. "Dorothy, fix your dress -

the whole neighborhood can see your business."

Sounds like me.

Ma, we don't have too much time.

OK, let's get in the kitchen.

I want to show you that heart your father carved for me

and prove to you I'm not totally crazy.

Ma, remember, it's only a carving.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Hey, I may be fading, but that's the sweetest thing

that man ever did for me.

I know that heart's behind the door.

I can't believe it!

They must have sanded it off.

No, Ma. No, no.

See, Ma, it's our height chart.

You can see it through the paint.

See? Here's Phil, Gloria, me.

I could have sworn...

I would have bet my life on it.

Oh, Ma, there are so many memories in this apartment.

Don't be so down.

You remember the day you brought Phil back from the hospital?

I was a little upset, because that was the day

Pop usually took me to the zoo.

Well, it was the racetrack, but he called it the zoo.

You kept Phil in this room because it was the warmest room.

And I guess I was a little starved for attention,

because I remember...

Oh, Salvadore, isn't he beautiful?

A piece of art.

But what do you have him in Dorothy's hand-me-downs for?

So he wears girls' clothes for a while - what's it gonna hurt?

Dorothy!

Sal, do something about your daughter.

Dorothy, come over here.

We know you're upset about the new baby,

but we need for you to be a big girl.

Your mother's had a rough week. First I'm called away,

and then the baby's delivered by a cabby.

Cesarean!

Now I know you think Phil here's taken your place.

Well, I wanna tell you something.

I love you more than anything.

Even more than the Dodgers on five-cent beer night?

OK, even more than that.

Wow!

Daddy, I love you.

I love you, too, kiddo.

Come on, let's go to the zoo.

I got a tip on a giraffe in the sixth race.

Heh heh!

Pop sure taught me a lot about sibling rivalry that day.

When we got home I went right over

to the baby and said, "I love you, Phil."

No, wait. I wrote it on him.

Here you go, Rose. Finished my work.

Well, turn me upside down and paint me blue!

Well, give me my money.

Look, I'm sorry we fought the way we did,

but this work for senior healthcare is very important to me,

and I was hoping it would be to you, too.

Well, it wasn't, but it is now.

It is? How could I help it?

After I looked through the paperwork,

I realized how expensive healthcare is for the elderly.

You know, some folks have lost their life savings.

I mean, people ought to write their congressman or something.

In fact, I am so touched, when you cut my check,

don't make it out to me.

That's beautiful, Blanche.

Make it out to "Hair by Robert."

I'm not gonna declare it as income

and let those lazy congressmen have my tax dollars!

Blanche, I don't wanna do that.

Oh. Well, all right, just pay me under the table.

Oh, sure! I know that trick.

Dorothy's done that to me before.

I go under the table and you never show up.

No way!

Boy, this room is sure alive with memories.

Those were good days.

I think I'll go up to the bedroom.

Sal and I spent our most intimate moments there.

Ma... Ma, is there anything I can do for you?

Yeah, stay out. You barged in on me enough when you were a kid.

Sally, what's going on?

What's wrong with me?

You think you got problems? Try being dead. Heh heh.

Sal! What the hell are you doing here?

Relax. I'm not really here.

I'm just a Fig Newton of your imagination.

Oh, Sal, it's been so long, I've forgotten

how much you used to like Norm Crosby.

So, how are things? "How are things?"!

Sal, talk to me. How are you? What's new?

What's heaven like?

You know, everyone thinks heaven is right above.

Actually, it's a little more to the left.

What's God like?

Nice. You should see his car!

Oh, before I forget, Gladys says hello.

You fooling around with Gladys?

Of course not.

Gladys is going out with Charlemagne.

Sophia, I see from upstairs

you've kind of lost your spunk.

What's the matter?

I'm slipping, Sal, and it's frightening.

I'm even forgetting you, forgetting the good old days.

And what, I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?

That'd be a start!

Nah, the Sophia I know is a survivor.

That's why we got married.

You beat out a lot of other women.

Oh, yeah, there was a helluva long line

waiting to get to you, Sal!

What's the name of that girl with the warts?

You see? Some things you do remember.

Yeah, but only some things.

I'm 83, Sal. I don't have the energy for this.

You have lost your spunk.

You know, maybe I don't find you so attractive anymore.

What?!

You're not the same Sophia.

I wonder how Gladys and Charlemagne are doing.

Sure, the guy rewrote history, but can he juggle?

Salvadore Petrillo, you miserable botchagaloop!

If you so much as look at another ghost...

See? There's the spunk.

It's still there. But use it for yourself, not on me.

You think I can be OK?

If I didn't, would I have made the trip?

I miss you, Sally.

Hey, I'm always with you.

And when the time's right, see you at my place.

Ma. Ma, Mr. Hernandez has to go.

I'm meeting the wife and kids.

We are going ice-skating.

Dorothy! Oh, my God! Can you believe it?

Hey, Puerto Ricans can ice-skate! Jeez!

Dorothy!

Dorothy, look!

It's the carving. See? "Sal loves Sophia."

Oh, Ma!

You're Sophia? That's right. And I remembered.

I mixed up the rooms, but I remembered.

Of course. I thought the carving was in the kitchen.

Sal used to hang his salamis in here.

Dorothy, I may be fading,

but I'm still holding on to some of the big things.

Yeah, and you might get more back.

"Might"? I insist!

All I need is a little more spunk.

Imagine finding that carving in here!

Kitchen, bedroom -

I knew it was a room I was good in!

(kiss)