Original subtitles

Who ya gonna get to riff those tracks?

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

I don't ever pick tracks where the riffs are missing.

Why ya always gotta pick RiffTrax?

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

Only RiffTrax picks all the tracks worth riffing.

It's your lucky day! It's time for RiffTrax!

RiffTrax!

♪♪♪ [Kevin] And yes.

Things are still creeping in this very pace from day to day,

until the last syllable of recorded time!

[Mike] In retrospect, it was dumb to give

automatic weapons to our sex robots. Ha ha.

[Bill] Miracle drug.

So it's just a drug ad! Should be showing old people walking their dog on the beach.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Lucas is going, "You should have tilted that scroll

back in an unreadable angle!" That's what he sounds like too. (Bill laughs) ♪♪♪

[Mike] Nope! Whoop! Heh! We blew it up! Well, damn us all to hell.

We did it. We finally did it. [Bill] Yep. That was all. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] The Shape of Things to Come: The Legend of Curly's Gold.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Barry Morse. As he pronounces it... dash, dot dot.

Dash, dot dash dot. Dot dash dot.

[Bill] Okay, Kevin. [Kevin] Dash dot dash. [Bill] Pretty sure I said okay?

♪♪♪ [Mike] Can't wait to see the shape of these things!

Will there be squares? Ovals? Rhomboids?

[Bill] Blunt, carpenter pencil shapes? [Mike] Right! All the classics.

[Kevin] Ah, big ship. Hope they have a lot of floor sweepers to drive around in.

[Bill] What shape is THAT?? God, the future's weird.

♪♪♪ (beeping)

[Mike] Okay. Cut is control C, and paste is control V?? why?? [Bill] It just is!

New Washington. A thriving colony on the surface of the Moon.

[Kevin] Washington state. This is supposed to be Mt. Ranier National Park.

It's pretty sad.

We no longer have need of your intergalactic war ship.

Not today, but maybe tomorrow?

For what purpose? To wage war with the universe? No, Senator Smedley.

For the defense of our Moon colony.

[Bill] Okay, we get it. You have Moon colonies.

Like someone who bought an electric car, and won't shut up about it. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] That prop planet needs to be back at the bowling alley by four.

Cargo vessel focus four, you are entering Lunar area seven five.

Please confirm docking orbit? [Kevin] We're a Moon colony!

[Bill] Yeah, that place is just littered with golf balls.

John, I'm trying to do you a favor. I'm telling you what the council already decided!

The star streak project is dead.

Let's see what Lomax has to say, shall we? Focus four? Please acknowledge.

This is Lunar space control.

[Mike] So, we're not gonna hear what Lomax has to say?

[Kevin] Come on! Every second spent showing this crap is a second not listening to Lomax!!

[Bill] (shouting) Lomax!!!

Focus four? Confirmation of docking orbit negative.

We are overriding, and beginning cobalt reverse drive in ten seconds.

[Kevin] Ugh! Lomax is different than I expected.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Cobalt override, seems like a pretty boring game. [Bill] Yeah, heh.

(beeping)

[Bill] Well, I don't know about the SHAPE. But the pace of things to come?

Not blowing me away. (beeping)

[Kevin] Damn it Diane, stop hovering!

Master computer Lomax? This is lunar space control. We have an emergency?

[Mike] Lomax is the computer? What Bob Lomax? Master computer?

Master computer confirms crash course. New Washington in 12 minutes.

Suggest full emergency procedures.

[Bill] And hey, call me more often. We should hang out.

[Kevin] Good bye, Lomax. [Bill] Aww, come on? [Kevin] Mm mm.

[Mike] For safety's sake, always keep a picture of your lungs on the outside of your shirt.

Jason Caball here? This is lunar space control.

We have an emergency. Please report. Okay, on my way.

[Bill] Just a couple more miles of hallway to go.

[Kevin] Yeah? Yes, Derek! I see your Instagram! I know you rescued a dog!

What's the problem, Kim?

The problem is delta three cargo ship has ten metric tons of RADIC-Q-2 on board.

On crash course with New Washington.

When? Eight minutes, fifty two seconds.

[Mike] Hey, Katie? [Bill] Shut up, Lomax!

Confirms. Emergency division? Yellow alert.

Evacuate entire population to lower cities. Seal off access to main dome.

[Kevin] Main dome sealed? But what if they have to blow the dome??

Not some sort of communication problem?

[Bill] Deep cut?

I'm not sure of anything. I just don't want to take any chances.

[Bill] Rat brain!

See what else we can do.

May I remind you that the council have great influence with the master computer?

[Mike] He's got an okay office.

But he does get some noise from next door, where they grind custom eye glasses.

(beeping) Yellow alert? The whole city's on yellow alert!

[Kevin] All of our dogs need to go at the same time!

(beeping)

Go to red. Red alert.

[Bill] Red alert? PHEW! Yellow alert was a mistake, everyone. All is well!

I'm glad we're using these less confusing color alerts on the Moon.

This is not a drill! This is not a drill!

[Mike] And remember, not a drill means it's just a drill on our new, improved system.

[Bill] Exactly.

Two minutes until impact. Focus full engine service display available.

[Kevin] Also, could you clean my air vent?

My power supply is choked with dust bunnies.

[Bill] Quiet, Lomax.

Kim? Do you have this emergency under control?

We're working on it, father. Son? Are you sure that none of Niki's people are on board?

No life signs at all. Lomax confirms.

[Bill] I said probably AT whatever! No one listens to me.

♪♪♪ Red alert! Red alert!

[Mike] Yeah, THANKS, Jonathan! There's only one way to go!

(speaker overheard) Sector seven to ten, to shelter.

(beeping) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Come on, Lomax! Stand by.

♪♪♪ This is not a drill.

[Kevin] I like to stand next to a band saw, and just repeat that over and over.

Seventy seconds to impact.

Procedure complete. Now you may activate.

[Bill] It's almost as though they're using an old

data entry machine, for their crappy data entry.

Sensors indicate negative response.

Cargo ship did not destruct. Repeat. [Mike] Old crabby guys? How's it going?

Impact. 45 Seconds.

(beeping)

[Kevin] Ah, screw it. I'm not hurrying.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (guys grumble)

[Kevin] Yeah, you kids.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Panic at the disco! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (explosion)

[Bill] Eh, it's not Star Trek level shaking. I think they'll be fine.

(crashing)

[Mike] Whoo! Lights are back.

Cat Stevens will be happy they can once again make Moon shadows.

[Kevin] Mm hmm. Hey, Mike? Go immediately to hell.

[Bill] They're like the family that sits WAY too far from their TV. What is that?

Computer Lomax?

Request dome repair units to begin work immediately on sky dome breach.

[Mike] Remember when there was a bunch of people, scamming seniors

telling them they needed expensive sky dome breach repair?

Emergency underground shelters.

[Kevin] Huddle weirdly everyone!

(beeping) Send search teams to damaged sectors.

All debris from cargo vessels should be sent here for examination. Understood.

[Bill] So? Who's your favorite character so far?

[Mike] Well, it's either a woman who types stuff

or, woman who stands behind woman who types stuff.

[Bill] Oh yeah. She's good.

(hissing)

[Kevin] My head's REALLY staying fresh, sealed up in this bag!

Sector twenty totally destroyed. area should be leveled.

Danger of falling debris. Sector eighteen.

[Bill] Little eye candy for the llllladies! Two guys just poured into jumpsuits.

Engineering and repairs. All debris from cargo ship, to be sent to lab six.

Stand by. I have visual communication with delta three.

[Mike] It costs ten cents a minute. I hope that's okay.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ This is Omus, robot master on delta three.

I would like to talk to Dr. John Caball?

[Kevin] Tell him I crap bigger than him.

Caball. Doctor? You remember me? Oh yes, indeed.

[Bill] Who forgets a weird looking guy in a cape?

Talk to your superior? My superior?

Oh, yes you mean the former governor of delta three?

I'm afraid Niki and her followers have fled the citadel.

[Mike] Sorry. Fled TO the citadel. That's the name of a better movie.

Well, in that case, you know what just happened.

One of your cargo ships crashed into New Washington!

But of course.

[Kevin] Let me get out of my pajamas.

That was my plan. Omus? This is Senator Smedley of the Moon council

What is it you want? [Bill] And please don't laugh at my obviously laughable statement.

I have made giant strides in technology, Senator.

I can bring in a new, and more efficient way of life to the Moon.

[Mike] (laughs) DUH Moon? Sounds like a retired minstrel singer.

Omus! You haven't answered the question!

You mean, what do I really want, doctor?

[Kevin] Please, don't say a thorough colonoscopy.

Your respect, of course. And your support, for my return to the Moon colony.

[Bill] He got expelled for spray painting a wang on the inside of the sky dome.

As supreme commander of the Moon, the Earth.

And all the outposts in our solar system. Well, that of course, is out of the question!

[Mike] Yeah. Go Smedley! That's your reaction, senator! [Mike] His name is Smedley.

[Bill] Smedley! (laughs)

Beginning immediately, there will be no further shipments of RADIC-Q-2.

This is madness!

[Kevin] I guess the audience will just have to take your word for that.

Don't provoke him. Now listen to me, Omus!

We will never surrender New Washington, to you or anyone else! Even it means war.

[Bill] Ugh. Come on, heartburn. Not now.

Don't talk of war, my dear doctor. It could be disastrous.

As tragic as the robot wars that devastated the Earth planet.

[Mike] Ah, the Earth PLANET. Not the Earth red dwarf.

Consider my proposal. You mean, your threat?

[Kevin] Uh, my wife's back. Bye! (Bill laughs)

[Bill] Heh heh. That's what it looked like when I tried to install my own in-ceiling speakers.

We found the pilot.

It's wedged in here. May take a while to get it out.

[Kevin] Oh, cripes. I hope their tooks hold out, eh?

Send it to robot repair as soon as possible.

(beeping) See you later. I'm gonna go take a look at the suicide robot.

[Kevin] You have a suicide robot? And all you've been showing us are these boring idiots??

Tsk, tsk. May not be so lucky the second time.

Well, Kim, you were right. There was something weird about that circuitry.

The robot was programmed to blow himself up.

This one will turn him into a pussy cat.

[Bill] He'll be spraying musk from his anal glands in no time!

Okay get the tapes! Quick!

[Mike] They're gonna watch their only movie, a Betamax of Weird Science.

Okay! Let's give him a jolt!

(cracking) (she laughs)

[Kevin] It's funny, if you think about it.

I don't know what they called you on delta three. but. I'm gonna call you Sparks.

Fine, fine, I am! I am! Ha ha! You're working!

[Bill] That's what I yell at road construction crews! Ha ha! You're working!

New circuits. New circuits. Give him another jolt.

New circuits. (she laughs)

[Bill] Ha ha ha. Ahh. So funny.

My sonnets. The lily of my valley. Ah yeah, you can call me Kim.

Looks like I made a poet out of you, friend.

[Mike] She's delighted by all things that are not delightful at all.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ah, good. The thing moved.

The tension over whether or not that thing would move was unbearable! ♪♪♪

[Bill] Okay. don't laugh. It's laundry day,

And his Jiffy Pop Halloween costume is the only clean thing he has. Be nice.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Ugh, dammit! There's an old mouse nest in this thing! ♪♪♪

Danger. Extreme radiation hazard.

This fuel chamber is a class A prohibited area.

[Kevin] Sparks gave her a mix tape of his favorite Creed songs

to try and prove he's deep.

Hey, Sparks? We should complete your history course.

Thank you, my dark lady of the sonnets.

Now I have something to show you.

[Bill] Oh god! Sparks! No!

Certain talents, you know? Watch this.

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

[Mike] Ugh. It is agony to do, but people seem to like it.

How's that? That's terrific! }What do you call it?

Bi-locational transference. BLT for short.

[Kevin] She's amused by his god-like powers. Anything you say.

[Bill] Now, he cuts up a few celery sticks, on it. Then slowly lowers it back down.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] We have GOT to get a faster motor in this thing.

Please be advised, sensors indicate fuel rods are overheating.

Stability region has been surpassed. Inspector drive fuel pile is approaching meltdown point.

[Kevin] Also, your giant dryer stopped. You need to put in another giant quarter.

Supply of moderator.

[Bill] Really shouldn't be this hard to change the furnace filter.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Sensors do that. [Mike] Yeah, cut away. That action scene was almost too much.

Personnel.

[Kevin] I played Iago at the National Theater. What the hell am I doing?

♪♪♪

[Bill] Make your most important signs, your most unreadable.

(beeping)

Danger! You have been exposed to extremely high radiation levels.

[Mike] Well, maybe they could have had one of their bilocating robots do that?

Danger. You have been exposed to extremely high radiation levels.

[Kevin] You'll become a super hero with the ability

to grow even more hideous old timey mutton shops.

Danger! You have been. (beeping)

[Bill] (sniff, sniff) Okay, who microwaved chili without covering it?

You found Dr. Caball? No, Senator. Or his son, Jason?

No. Lomax? [Mike] Smedley. What's up?

You must shut down all launch support systems immediately.

I am in full control of the situation, Senator.

Be patient. We will locate Dr. Caball.

[Kevin] Ugh. I jogged like ten steps, and I'm wiped out. I have to start hitting the gym.

♪♪♪ [Bill] If this guy has visible panty lines, I'm leaving.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] We've gotta put some posters up in these halls. They're pretty drab.

[Bill] Spruce it up a bit.

(beeping) Dr. Caball? Kim, what are you doing here? What's this all about?

[Kevin] And why don't we have flat screens in here, since our main monitor is a flat screen?

The master computer is wrong. Software is now able to destroy us.

I'm going to stop all this. By myself if I have to.

You won't have to do it by yourself. Well, I was rather counting on your help, son.

[Mike] Gah. I don't mean me.

I'm going too. I would like to help. Oh, hello.

Uh? Who's your shiny friend? That's Sparks.

[Kevin] He's a suicide robot. And one hell of a wet dry vac.

The four of us. (beeping) But we have to launch immediately.

No, we're not ready. I've got to do a pre-flight check.

[Bill] I bet first on the list is do not irradiate yourself.

I've located Dr. Caball. Visual scanners on star streak? Activated.

Lomax has tracked us here. Son, we've gotta do it now. Or not at all.

[Mike] So, take your fancy pre-flight check, and ram it up your Jeffreys tube.

Sequence for launch. This is a robot console. Similar to those on cargo ships.

Much more sophisticated. Dr. Caball? I detect a need for medication.

[Kevin] Lipitor, Propecia, Cialis. About a dozen others.

Stand by for lift off. In thirty. ♪♪♪ 28, 27, 26.

[Bill] Well, I guess the Cialis is already here.

♪♪♪ 16, 15, 14, 13, 12. 11. [Mike] Space. The frugal frontier. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Preparing for take off. Lomax, you've got to stop them.

[Kevin] Oh yes! Lomax, please pump the brakes on the pulse pounding adventure!

Four. ♪♪♪ One.

Ignition. Oh god.

[Bill] I turned down a role on Starsky and Hutch for this.

What are their chances of reaching Delta three? Percentages do not favor successful journey.

Disaster through malfunction predicted.

[Mike] That's probably why you wanted me to stop the launch.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ahh. Look at that Moon! Floating there. Belonging to America.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Leveling out.

[Bill] More like, bottoming out.

Course set for delta three. Electron compass reading normal.

♪♪♪ [Mike] (singing) Old guy! There goes his hip!!!

On our way. [Bill] Beautiful. Out there. The vastness of space, the unknown.

[Kevin] What I'm saying is I'm lost and fightened.

All possibilities exist. Man's future is limited only by his imagination.

And his vision of the stars. [Bill] Word for word the speech that inspired the McRib.

Very impressive. Correct pulse ratio, point zero, zero, four.

[Mike] Ah, that's right. I was gonna blow this hunk of junk out an air lock.

How about you, Sparks? What do you think?

It's better than a delta three cargo ship, doctor.

[Kevin] Geez, Sparks. Maybe teleport your nose out of the old man's butt?

(sigh) I wonder what happened to Niki?

Hope she's all right. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Delta three, AKA just outside Silver City New Mexico.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Oh, no! A Klingon fantasy camp???

♪♪♪

[Bill] When landscapers go to war!

(grunting) I think we're ready now, Niki.

(grunting) Listen, everybody! [Mike] You're not ready at all! This idiot is wrong!

You must get back into the citadel.

We have to send a message out somehow! We should get through the tunnels all right.

But the citadel itself, is like a fortress.

[Kevin] Really? I heard the citadel was more like a strong hold.

Caverns into the power plant.

♪♪♪ Okay! Come on! Let's go!

[Bill] Everyone grab a pole, or a big trash can lid, and let's do this thing!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Behold, the evil tower of Sauron's down on his luck, cousin, Ronron. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(beeping) [Kevin] Which one of these buttons makes the girl bring me a hot Dr. Pepper?

(indistinct)

Excellent. [Bill] I mean, what the hell did you just say?

Everything is falling neatly into place.

[Mike] Hurry! I sense that everything is falling neatly into place.

So far, no sign of Omus' robots. I know. We'll have to move fast, Niki.

When I get into the center, I'm not going to need much time.

Tell them we can't hold out much longer.

[Kevin] Hold out? You haven't done anything yet.

(creaking)

♪♪♪ [Bill] Meanwhile, in the exact same location!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Ow, potty! Potty, potty, potty, potty! Potty!

[Kevin] Hello? Yes, I'd like to order one shape of things to come?

Calling New Washington! Calling New Washington! This is Niki, the governor of delta three.

[Bill] No last name, just governor Niki.

This is the delta three citadel! Niki calling!

We need assistance! We need some assistance!

[Mike] Can you be more specific?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Why does Omus get a fashion cape? I want a fashion cape! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Hee hee. Wait until he finds the fake barf I left on his desk

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ What's this? [Mike] This plywood box is my space desk?

New Washington. This is New Washington.

We hear you, Niki. Proceed with your message.

[Kevin] Damn that kid who always presses every button!

Sound general alarm.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Ah, the general alarm also signals Link's triumphant return to Hyrule.

(beeping)

(beeping) [Mike] Someone's coming, people. Don't wait to identify them, just start smashing.

(beeping)

[Kevin] Help! I'm being attacked by one of those dumb Star Wars themed instant pots!

[Bill] Exhibiting a dalek-like grace.

I couldn't get through! Damn!

[Mike] (robotic voice) Humans. We bring a cease and desist order from the estate of H.G. Wells.

[Kevin] (laughs) This is me anytime I find a spider in my shower. (Bill laughs)

Heh heh. [Bill] Eeek!

♪♪♪ [Bill] Remember folks, we saw them actually TRAIN for this.

♪♪♪ Agghh!

(shots fire) [Mike] Teens with feathered hair use pool skimmers to destroy robots.

Classic HG Wells!

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Let's move, people.

Operation accomplish absolutely nothing has been a huge success!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Never base your robot design on Junior Samples.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Two more dead. What now?

[Mike] To hell with it. Let's go for six more deaths.

[Kevin] Well come on! Come on! Let's go space trucking! Come on!

[Bill] (whispers) Deep Purple.

(beeping) Doctor? [Bill] Can we get some tunes up in this piece?

We have malfunctions of the gi-electron compass.

Auto guidance systems, and the control flow units.

[Mike] The problem is, they all sound fake as hell.

♪♪♪ Grab the set down. We can't go back to the Moon.

There's only one place we can go to make repairs. Earth.

[Kevin] Okay, there's lots of places. But I have a Pep Boys gift card! (Bill laughs)

Cylinder five nine, and an old emergency tanker stationed there.

More or less abandoned now, but the guidance beacon ought to be in working order.

[Bill] Yeah, your technology seems super reliable.

Charlie Montgomery, an old friend of mine. Sort of guard-caretaker of the station.

He's due to retire back to the Moon in a few years, but he'll be able to help us.

[Mike] Or, he'll be mad from isolation, and try to eat our skin.

Either way be great to catch up.

Seven five nine. Planet Earth.

♪♪♪ (Kevin humming)

(Kevin humming Blue Danube Waltz)

[Kevin] (humming) Come on! Pick up the pace!

(humming) (Bill yawns)

Module separation confirmed. Descent locked to beacon YR321.

[Bill] Their totally original space ship, the uh? Century? Eagle.

♪♪♪ [Mike] A feral Sid and Marty Croft creature.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Sentient dung piles everywhere. Earth's really improved!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Shut down completed. I'll stay with you, doctor, and help with your repairs.

[Bill] AKA This costume can't go down stairs.

We'll see if we can find Charlie Montgomery.

Sure. Give him my regards. Tell him he owes me a rematch at chess. Okay. Bye.

[Bill] I'm glad his imminent death from radiation sickness hasn't damped his sense of whimsy.

[Kevin] Hey uh? Do we need helmets? [Bill] Naww!

[Kevin] But the robot wars left Earth polluted and devastated?

[Bill] Ah, seems fine to me.

[Kevin] Nice day.

[Mike] Food! I mean, we welcome you in a spirit of peace.

(knock on door) Charlie? Charlie Montgomery?

[Kevin] (laughs) Thanks for specifying.

Must be around someplace.

[Bill] I see no evidence of that.

How's the equipment? Seems to be all right. I'm gonna go check the tower.

Kim? Yeah. Mind how you go.

[Mike] She's still potty training? (Bill laughs)

[Bill] Ahh. Takes, takes some people a while.

[Kevin] I see the battery's still good on Charlie's upskirt cam. [Bill] Oh, Charlie.

Charlie Montgomery! [Kevin] (laughs) Montgomery.

[Bill] Well, while I'm down here, I should probably try some possum.

He must have some tools around someplace. [Mike] Well, I see one big one.

[Bill] Burn!

[Kevin] Well, I guess I'll be wandering to my death for unspecified reasons then.

[Bill] Well, whatever Brillo pads are, they taste awful!

[Mike] How had he not smelled that?

Kim? [Kevin] Kim! Charlie is dead! [Bill] Who?

[Kevin] Charlie Montgomery! [Bill] Oh god, no!

[Bill] Might be talking about a different Charlie, which wouldn't matter.

(beeping) Kim? Come in please, Kim? Kim?

[Mike] Kim. You ever notice how most of us have

normal names like Kim. then there's this one guy named Omus?

This is Jason calling star streak. Come in please, star streak.

[Kevin] Thought I'd set this to ignore Jason.

Yes, what is it Jason? I found a dead body in Earth station.

What? Charlie? [Bill] Montgomery, yeah.

I think so. And that's not all. I can't seem to locate Kim.

Well, what do you mean? I don't know. She disappeared.

[Bill] He's considering becoming concerned.

I've got a vehicle here. I don't know if I can get it running though. It's rough terrain.

You'll need it. I'm gonna spend Sparks to help you.

[Mike] Good luck on that road. I mean, the rough terrain.

Sparks? I want you to check radiation readings in the area. Yes, doctor.

I want to know if Jason and Kim are in danger.

[Kevin] They've been out there for over an hour. So let's look into that.

Never had a nurse maid before, and I don't intend to have one now.

Sorry, doctor. That's all right.

So, uh? Why don't you just get on then? Precisely what I had in mind.

(buzzing) [Bill] Eh! I teleported to Kansas!

What took you so long? I'm a little out of condition.

[Mike] Come on, "out of SHAPE of things to come" was right there.

Three kilometers west to quadrant.

Oh yeah? Is she alone? I can't get an exact reading.

But I'm picking up a high radiation level in this area.

[Kevin] On the polluted planet, everyone is flat or died on? This comes out of nowhere!

Better stop doing that.

[Bill] Robot could just teleport to Kim, right?

[Mike] Yeah, but that wouldn't vaguely remind people of Star Wars. [Bill] Ah. Good point.

[Kevin] Lord, is he trying to reach escape velocity in that thing? [Bill] (laughs) Jesus.

[Bill] Get a horse!

(tries to start engine)

[Mike] Well, I don't understand. I drove it so gently?

I detect a malfunction in the H2O containment system.

Now what? [Kevin] Well, I can be back at the ship in under a second.

I'm picking up Kim. All life functions seem intact, but she isn't alone.

Sensors also detect higher radiation levels ahead.

[Bill] Uh, you're just gonna keep on marching forward then? All right. Your funeral

[Mike] I mean, I'm feeling the radiation in my circuits.

Are you sure you don't need a space suit?

[Kevin] Ugh. Fine. [Mike] Good lord. You're bleeding out of your ears!

[Kevin] Not blood. Those were my kidneys. Ugh.

(birds chirping)

[Bill] Non-infringing Utinni.

Stop, Jason. Let me lead the way. [Mike] Heh heh. All that copper wiring is mine.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] It's crazy that "GUY inside the robot" was John Cazale's final role.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] And they discover?? Any given front yard in rural North Carolina.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Demilitarized splinter faction of the lollipop guild!

♪♪♪ Jason!

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Jason! It's a disco beat! Run!

♪♪♪ Kim! Get behind the (indistinct)

Not gonna hurt you! They only want our help! What do you mean?

They're children! [Bill] Whoo. I hope they're Bebe's kids.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Julian Assange?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Uh, it's a tattoo. I went through a Gorbachev phase. So embarrassed.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Oh my god. [Bill] I have the same thing on my right butt cheek.

♪♪♪

These children must be survivors of the great robot war?

[Mike] Turned out the way to survive was donning a ridiculous wig.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ They must have been taken from the city, just before it started?

[Kevin] Yeah, that kid definitely sold his parents out to the robots.

I don't believe this. These kids must have been living out here for years.

You all right? [Bill] Yes, but seeing them has been very hard on ME.

Don't be scared. Yeah. I found a dead body near a station.

It was Charlie. The children told me. He was trying to help them.

[Mike] So they killed him.

Jason, they're sick. Very sick. Radiation.

(buzzing)

Hey? Don't be afraid. Sparks is our friend.

I guess they still have a fear of robots after what they did to this world.

[Kevin] (scoffs) Whiners. Genocide was MONTHS ago.

Toxic substances. I suggest the children be treated with RADIC-Q-2 as soon as possible.

I'll be going back to the ship now.

[Bill] Oop! He's gone! You can stop holding back the robot slurs. Let 'em rip!

Back to the ship. Come on, kids.

♪♪♪ We must inform Jason and Kim of your condition.

Aww, they've got enough to do, without worrying about me.

[Mike] Now are we gonna have sex or what?

I feel fine. No. I managed this far, and I'll make it through to the end.

[Kevin] Which seems to be about 15 minutes from now.

This is Jason calling star streak. Come in please, star streak?

[Bill] So, the robots came, and they were

like "beep boo pop" and my dad was like, "Pow! Pow! Pow!" And I.

[Mike] Ugh. Hurry up, radiation. Hurry up.

Listen to me! We've gotta get back to the ship, and back on our way to delta three.

These children need our help.

[Kevin] These children are already dead! I mean, hi kids!

Look, we can't go back to the Moon now. We can't take these children with us.

[Mike] And, why is that? [Bill] Moving on!

We can get to delta three, we could pick

a supply of RADIC and be back here in a few days.

That's the best chance these kids have got. And you know that.

[Mike] Do you have water? [Bill] Why haven't you offered us food??

Yeah. Listen kids, I know you've had a tough time.

But please, just trust us. [Kevin] Sophie's choice. In SPACE!!

Okay, now you kids just stay here, okay?

Because we're gonna come back and get you.

[Bill] In the meantime, no going into THE corn, and getting all creepy, okay?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Dammit. We should have eaten them while we had the chance!

(sighs) [Kevin] Ugh. Clams smoothie. What was I thinking? Ugh. (Bill laughs)

All secure here. Five, four, three, two, one.

[Bill] No! That's the "nuke the kids" button!

♪♪♪

[Mike] It's like ET. If ET had left Elliot while he was getting mauled by a bear.

♪♪♪ Third encompass ratio, point two eight nine.

♪♪♪

Initiating docking maneuvers with mother ship.

[Kevin] Okay. I'm gonna initiate a ten minute nap,

until the movie starts up again. (Bill laughs)

[Kevin] Come on!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Okay. At this point, it's the GRANDmothership.

Air locks are activated. Docking completed. Okay. Set course.

[Mike] They put a piece of tape over property of high school AV club.

Course set for delta three. Sequence (indistinct).

♪♪♪ Activate pulse generators for force shield.

[Kevin] Activate emotions and inflection.

Pulse generator activated. Good.

[Bill] (laughs) He's like Chewbacca's dad watching Diahann Carrol. [Kevin] Ugh!

Stop that! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] The day, the plot stood still.

♪♪♪ Spectrum drive approaching control speed.

I want to log off now. [Kevin] I wished I had said that 15 years ago!

Well, it couldn't have been smoother.

Any course correction Sparks? Negative. No deviations from set flight path.

Path. Path. Path.

[Bill] Still a better assistant than Cortana. (Sparks keeps repeating Path, Path).

(turns off switch)

Okay, take it east, Sparks.

[Mike] RAM overflow, causing an infinifte boot loop error? Try "taking it easy".

Get a better self adjusting tape for you when we get back to the Moon.

[Kevin] The robot equivalent of taking the cartridge out and blowing on it.

(buzzing) (she laughs)

Thank you. Yeah. Anytime Sparks.

[Bill] He's a fire hazard and that DELIGHTS her!

Well, the ship's performing beautifully. And I'm beginning to feel, just a little hungry.

You look a little tired? No, no, Kim. I'm not tired. I'm just, hungry.

[Mike] Got any chips or fruit or? I don't know, RADIC-Q-2? I mean I'm fine.

Nothing for me, thanks. Okay. Perhaps later.

[Kevin] (robotic voice) You know what? Just shove some ham into my CD drive.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] The rarely seen grizzled YOUNG prospector.

I hope we have enough parts here.

Our last hope is the signal out in space.

[Mike] Stop, or we'll gradually make our way down there, leaving you plenty of time to escape.

(beeping)

(beeping) ♪♪♪

[Kevin] You know? It looks like it was purchased

in the back room of an adult book shop.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] And, even though they don't have flight attendants,

a flight attendant still yells at her, that the seat belt light is still on.

By the way Kim, I am looking forward to that new tape when we get back.

I don't know, Sparks.

Sometimes the way you look at me, you give me the feeling that?

[Mike] You're super horny.

Forget it. You are just a robot, aren't you? I'm afraid so.

But if there is any change, you'll be the first to know.

[Kevin] Oh, suicide robot. You're so wacky!

Hmm. Hi. Hi.

[Bill] Just reading Jonathan Franzen. The radiation death seems not so bad now.

What's that? Oh, this is a very old book.

[Mike] See Spot rrrrrrrrr-run!

Must be very rare? Oh yes, it is. Yes. Most of them were destroyed of course.

Some of them survive, in memory baffles, but.

Well, that's the real thing. What's it about?

[Kevin] Ah? Okay, I'll level with you. I'm illiterate.

Well, it's about your people. An ancient country called Greece.

There were a bunch of philosophers.

And, they, well, they?

[Bill] Didn't look anything like you.

Try to understand nature of the universe.

Of course, they had only their own imaginations.

But, what an imagination it was.

[Mike] Plus they played sports. Nude as hell.

Vision. Their ideas. ♪♪♪

Never ceased to amaze me.

[Kevin] They didn't even have movies.

And their movies were STILL better than this! (Bill laughs)

I'm just a musty old professor lecturing to myself.

No, you're much more than that.

Well, you don't have to humor me, Just because I'm an old man, you know?

You're the youngest man I know.

[Mike] Except Chistopher Plummer and maybe the Crypt Keeper.

Thank you.

[Kevin] She's totally into me. Yeah.

I'm getting an intense gravitational pull on my read outs.

[Bill] Oh sure. Ignore the robot. I was programmed to have feelings, you know?

On board computer reports proximity of an enormous magnetic field.

[Mike] Our credit cards will rendered useless.

Now to do with equal push. We'll have to increase spectrum drive.

By point zero, zero two. Zero zero two. Locked in.

I've got zero zero four, Jason?

No, zero zero two. It's zero zero six now, and we're still increasing!

It just can't be

[Kevin] Well tough luck running into the giant purple onion ring of doom.

[Bill] Looks delicious though. [Kevin] Mm hmm.

Going out of control.

[Bill] Maybe this is the fabled "danger zone" Kenny Loggins warned us about.

Switches are jammed! Give me the manual override. Negative.

It won't release. What do you mean negative?

[Mike] You know? Like the reviews of The Shape of Things to Come?

[Bill] Hey ho!

Get back! Losing our magnetic fields! We're gonna break up!

[Kevin] It's not you. It's the magnetic field. (buzzing)

[Bill] Uh oh. Movie's in Cloverfield mode.

[Kevin] Dude! Come on! Dude!

[Bill] Hello? [Kevin] Dude!

(buzzing) [Mike] Well, still better than flying Frontier

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Ugh. I think that gallon of Tang is about to come back up.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] I actually met my wife at a slow motion zero G dance.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] I've changed my mind. Boys hands are icky. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] You know it's a nice ship, because it's got two ASS engines.

♪♪♪

[Bill] (laughs) Dude.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Cue the Flashdance water bucket! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] The storm is blue, because it's actually

a collection of disembodied Smurf souls.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] So, did they spark up some doobage in a deleted scene?

♪♪♪ (Bill groans)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] I imagine this is what I'd look like while watching Chappy. [Kevin] Ugh.

♪♪♪

[Mike] (robotic voice) Readings indicate that we're tripping balls. (Bill laughs)

[Kevin] Ass engine number two, is my favorite ass engine.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

What the hell was that all about?

[Bill] (laughs) Hey! We do the riffing around here!

Dilation. Kim?

Kim? Kim?

[Mike] Wake up and tell me if I'm James Marsden or not.

We rode it out. Still in one piece.

♪♪♪ Jason, look!

[Kevin] Someone carmelized the top half of the planet.

♪♪♪

Sparks? Can we have an update on our coordinates?

[Bill] Maybe a calf massage?

Gravitational pull on delta three.

But our excessive speed has used up most of our nuclear power.

How bad is it, Sparks? We'll be lucky just to live into orbit, doctor.

[Mike] Daft Punk should have stopped with the helmets.

Hold on. I have a monitor sighting.

A delta three cargo ship, same as Fobus four. Robot pilot aboard.

Explosive load in the hold.

[Kevin] Explosive load in the hold? Ship must have stopped by a Chipotle.

Catch up and destroy it. I'm picking up radio signals from delta three.

That's a distress signal. Can we get a fix on that, Sparks?

[Bill] Should get a lot of use out of their "robo slave".

I have the exact coordinates. All right then. We're going down.

Prepare to disengage. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] It's not every day you see a space ship circumcision.

♪♪♪ Anti-gravitational controls activated. [Kevin] No thanks to you, meat sacks!

(buzzing)

Well, well. What do we have here?

[Bill] Should I believe it? Or not?

Planet.

Niki, look!

Someone did hear! C'mon!

[Mike] Everyone bring your weapons of welcome.

(buzzing)

It seems to me we ought to send out a little reception committee.

[Kevin] I can't even with you right now. (Bill laughs)

[Bill] Hmm. Should I put on my informal hanging around the house cape?

(laughs)

[Mike] And that's why only I am allowed to have buttons.

Well! It can't be??

[Kevin] It's the lady from Sledgehammer!

Niki! John! John Caball!

This is Niki. Kim Bradley. My son, Jason.

Hello! This is Merrick. My deputy. Hello there.

Welcome friends, but we'd better get away from here.

[Bill] Oh why did Jeff Bezos have to give Alexa arms,

legs and a desire to exterminate humanity?

Too late. [Mike] You dang kids!

Run! Discharge them. Robot, I left the port.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] I've gotta say, this is not Black Mirror's strongest episode.

(shots fire) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (shots fire)

♪♪♪ [Bill] These new eco-friendly killbots can't hold a charge.

I am Omus! (Bill laughs) Emperor of delta three!

[Mike] And yes, I'm currently standing on a Roomba. (Bill laughs)

How marvelous to see you. I want to talk to you, Omus!

In person, not just to a? Disembodied face.

However impressive, your holographic invention.

[Kevin] Wait. You live on a Moon colony, and THIS impresses you?

I have many impressive things to show you in my citadel.

All right. let's get on with it. How do I get to the citadel?

[Bill] I'm cranky and ready to die! (Kevin laughs)

A guard robot will bring you. John, this could be dangerous!

I'm aware of that, Niki. Father, please! Don't try it alone. It's too risky.

If anyone can get to him, maybe I can.

[Mike] I can be very persuasive.

I'm the one who convinced Fox to uncancel Family Guy.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] So bald, and yet so brave.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Next, I'm going to project myself into a Hooters!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Someone's jealous of his dad's new robot friends.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Jason? [Kevin] I just want to say, "Tag! You're it!" Hee hee.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] So, you guys know that robot from Lost in Space?

♪♪♪

Star streak. Yes. Perfect.

[Mike] That's what I'll call my ska band.

No better way to return to New Washington than in Caball's pride and joy.

[Kevin] Whoo. Unless I flew in on a space dragon.

Well, I'm not waiting any longer. I'm going to the citadel. It's not that easy.

Show me the way won't you? You really want me to?

[Bill] Sure. You're dad's gonna die, but it's almost half a mile away!

Go ahead. How's the power problem? Still working on it.

Okay. Keep monitoring us and maintain sensors on Dr. Caball, all right?

Affirmative. It's this way. Okay.

[Mike] Uh, it's through the only door on the whole planet? Gotcha.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Okay. I'll go in, but I told you two

knuckleheads how I feel about surprise parties.

♪♪♪

Dr. Caball?

[Mike] Though I'd better spin like my hologram, so you recognize me.

[Bill] (laughs) And he did it.

[Kevin] You know, if I wore a cape to work, I'd get a standing desk. But that's just me.

[Bill] Yeah, you don't want to be sitting on it all the time. [Kevin] No.

My old mentor. Considering our past relationship, Omus,

I think that you owe me some sort of explanation.

[Bill] You mean he OMES us some sort of explanation.

I don't like myself.

[Kevin] No, nor do I.

[Mike] He's looking for another excuse to spin.

[Kevin] Love when a sci-fi epic takes the time to REALLY showcase an office.

(beeping)

Now watch this. This is a RADIC-Q-2 factory.

[Bill] I'm told the janitors will super wax the floors without warning anyone.

Let's watch the fun.

♪♪♪ My empire. With a network of underground tunnels.

[Mike] I'll finally be able to catch those ruffians at Delta house in the act!

Mechanical warriors. Mining robots. Turned into obedient soldiers.

[Kevin] Soldier robots.

There's a new circuitry to handle more sophisticated input.

♪♪♪ And a capacity for. [Bill] Wearing a gaudy brooch.

But, totally loyal to you, no doubt?

(laughs) Well, the Moon colony will never accept a dictator!

That's one thing at least we've learned, from the history of planet Earth.

[Mike] Yep. No dictators there.

Doctor. You are the one who inspired me!

Taught me to place science above all else!

Remember about humanity! If I didn't teach you you that, failed you miserably. I?

[Kevin] That's my favorite vowel.

The world a future. You're back in some dark past!

People are no longer necessary.

Even, I. Someday! May no longer be necessary, and you?

[Bill] Every sentence feels like a broken roller coaster.

...are certainly no longer necessary. Omus! You're a sick man!

Let me help you! No doctor! Let me help you.

[Mike] This enlarging pump really works.

Give you, your last lesson on the power, of science.

Merrick, you stay here with the others. Kim, Jason and I are going in.

[Kevin] We should succeed and survive as long

as the bad guy isn't wearing a dumb, clear, plastic helmet.

(door closes)

[Bill] Must, let, the beat, drop!

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

[Mike] (laughs) The pee pants machine is too powerful! (Kevin laughs)

[Bill] I'm going! I'm going!

[Kevin] (laughs) Humping a box, until you spit blood. The Shape of Things to Come!

(screaming) [Bill] I (bleep) love science.

(screaming)

[Mike] It's not the machine. His air pods are just playing Supertramp. (Bill laughs)

[Kevin] Okay. Advanced space station, or YMCA basement?

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

[Bill] Oh, whoops! Forgot to give you the other helmet.

Had it right under here all along. What a goof!

(buzzing stops)

[Mike] I hope he's not, dead. I wanted to breathily monologue at him, some more!

Where's your humanism, now, doctor?

[Kevin] Vibrating head thingy one, humanism, zero.

I'm not getting any of your vital signs. Dr. Caball? Do you read me?

B3R765?

[Bill] Activation code for your parent's HBO go, confirmed.

This is Omus. Your creator.

[Mike] Please self destruct. You're embarrassing your creator.

[Kevin] Debbie Harry hits the studio to record Rapture.

It's Omus. And he's alone. Go ahead.

[Bill] Trap is SO obvious, it might as well be a

propped up cardboard box labeled "free bird seed", but go ahead.

♪♪♪

Omus? [Mike] That's a cape on a chair, son.

[Bill] (laughs) He's not too bright.

♪♪♪ Omus?

[Kevin] The margarita pitcher is empty.

Omus!

♪♪♪ [Bill] He dripped blood on Omus's cape! Ah ha ho! Poor Omus!

I knew. He was wrong. I knew it was too dangerous.

He knew the danger, Jason.

[Mike] Anybody want to check for a pulse? No?

Get the cloak off of him. Be careful.

[Kevin] See? This is where a yellowed back brace would REALLY come in handy.

[Bill] Ugh. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Whooops! Everything popped out like a pinata. (Bill mumbles)

♪♪♪ It's a severe radiation burn. He was dying.

[Mike] In my medical opinion, the dying is what lead to his death.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Hmm. Science.

But that isn't what killed him. It was Omus.

[Kevin] Ole MISS? The University of Mississippi? [Bill] I don't think that's.

♪♪♪ [Bill] I need sugar free gum, and I need it now.

Sparks? Sparks, do you read me? Let me try.

Sparks? This is Kim. Do you read me?

[Mike] Sparks is busy watching the movie he's in.

What's he doing??? The module's moving. What's he doing?!

Sparks? Sparks please! Don't you remember?

[Kevin] That magical night? All those things you said?

Oil refineries, the old staff quarters?

Get the others. We're gonna need help. Okay. Come on.

[Bill] We're late for Circus of the Stars.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Even in the future, pressing the

button a bunch, won't make it come faster. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Oh, I forgot everything we practiced! [Mike] Yeah, same here.

[Bill] Ow! Did that look authentic, you guys? [Mike] Oh, for sure!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] This whole fight is one big "Why are you hitting yourself?"

♪♪♪ (grunting)

(screaming)

[Bill] These highly sophisticated robots will throw

punches at your mid section, and BASH you with a big rock.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Sparks, come in please?

[Mike] I can't get the blender to work. Come in, Sparks.

Don't waste your energies. Omus? Yes.

And you're the son of John Caball.

[Kevin] Not quite the son of Jor-El but we take what we can get.

(beeping) The star streak module. It will arrive at the citadel any moment now.

[Bill] His plan is to destroy the military school in South Carolina?

[Kevin] I don't think that's the same thing.

[Bill] I think.

Say a last farewell to this place. And to you and your friends.

Except of course, Sparks, who's now working for me.

[Mike] Bubba Sparks that is. I needed a hillbilly rapper.

I am going to destroy delta three. Why? For what reason?

Because I am returning to the Moon, as spiritual successor

to the late Dr. Caball, who unfortunately died heroically, along.

[Kevin] I keep thinking the sentence is over, but it's not!!

Cosmic accident. And there will be no one to prove me wrong.

(beeping)

[Bill] Good, good. We're building up to the big finish,

so let's keep ALL the action right here in this office.

[Kevin] (laughs) Yeah.

When I activate that switch, it will set into motion the most incredible forces.

[Mike] That's what I say, when I use my soda stream.

An evolutionary process that could take a billion years,

I could speed up, into a matter of minutes.

[Kevin] Well, speed up your dialog delivery next.

The entire planet? And our only source of RADIC-Q-2?

My cargo ships are fully loaded. They will accompany me on my mission of peace.

[Bill] Fully loaded with DVD copies of Herbie: Fully Loaded.

I will be welcomed as a KING! (Kevin laughs)

[Mike] Is it safe to come out yet? Or is Jack Palance still talking?

(gasps) [Kevin] Dry ice! Motley Crue has struck again!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Hold hands with robots much?

♪♪♪ Omus!

[Mike] That button just guaranteed a City Slickers reboot in 2021. You fiend!

♪♪♪

I must go now. ♪♪♪ Omus! You murderer!

[Kevin] Guys? If I'm ever murdered by someone named Omus,

please tell people it was a heart attack.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Knobs and buttons. Way more fun than space ships, right kids?

(buzzing)

(buzzing) [Mike] I can dance like James Brown.

(buzzing)

Come on, Niki.

[Kevin] Prince's even dirtier follow up to Darling Niki.

They're dead.

[Bill] (robotic voice) We are your prom dates. Hello.

(buzzing) I must reprogram Omus's robots.

[Mike] (singing) Omus's robots.

Writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear!

(beeping) [Mike] (singing) Robots come near.

(beeping)

(beeping)

(beeping) Come on!

[Kevin] I can't take anymore annoying sounds! I quit!

(beeping)

Turn it off! Turn it off!

[Bill] My impression of George C. Scott seeing his daughter in Hard Core.

What do you think??!

[Mike] Come with us, pal. You're over served.

(beeping) Turn it off!

(Kevin laughs) Turn it off!

[Kevin] Now he's moved on to George C. Scott watching THIS movie.

(beeping stops)

[Bill] Hug it out, bitch.

The activator can't be stopped. It's too late. How long have we got?

[Mike] He just said it's too late??

Ten minutes. [Mike] Okay, never mind, then.

Jason? We've got to get the star streak.

This planet's gonna blow up. Merrick and the others are dead.

[Kevin] I hate it when you share bad news, and

someone immediately tries to one up you. (Bill mumbles)

[Kevin] Everyone's dead.

[Bill] Let me go! There's still time to save my collection of Funko Pops.

♪♪♪

Jason? Is everything all right?

[Mike] It looks like your planet is exploding.

Would you like help with that?

We speak the same language. Okay, where are you now?

Aboard star streak. Just outside the citadel.

[Kevin] Effects by an eight grade science fair volcano.

Sparks! Delta three is gonna blow! Get someone on the cargo ships!

We've got to salvage the supply of RADIC-Q-2.

♪♪♪

Mystery! (shouting) I am your creator!!!

[Bill] And you! Are my number one guy.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Meanwhile, in the school boiler room.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Well, it looks like this is the end. Might as well auto erotic asphyxiate.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] (robotic voice) You gave me goofy hose arms.

And for that, you will all burn!

[Mike] He's not standing again, until he gets a check for a sequel.

Niki, secure yourself to the robot console.

[Kevin] Everyone sit in front of a screen

and make a face like you're doing something.

We don't have much time! Let's go. Sparks?

Sparks are you set? [Bill] Also, Sparks? Can you still teleport or whatever?

Seemed like a useful skill that hasn't come up in a while.

♪♪♪ Come on.

[Mike] The Glaive is in the middle of saving Krull. [Kevin] (ahem) Wrong movie.

(sounds of crap falling down)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] The kind of smoke that lets you know, this is a small toy,

and the fire is probably coming from a match.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Lumbar support engaged.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Now we sell Sparks to a junk yard?

[Bill] Now we sell Sparks to a junk yard. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Gah! Ow! Oh come on! (Bill and Kevin laugh)

(Big ass explosions)

[Kevin] Well, I think one thing is clear. They should have called this movie,

"Jack Palance gets bonked on the head by a beam, and then blows up." (Bill laughs)

(explosion)

[Bill] (laughs) Just HOW dead does Jack Palance need to be?

(explosion)

[Mike] So I guess it turns out The Shape of Things to Come, is, explodey??

[Kevin] And very messy as shapes go.

[Bill] I? How was that explosion so

much better than the original death star explosion?

When everything else was so much worse??

[Mike] Eh, change it. Let's see if Columbo is on.

[Kevin] And, that's how we make lava lamps. Any questions?

Sparks?

First priority is to get the shipment of RADIC-Q-2 back to the Earth children.

Course set for planet Earth.

[Bill] Dumping shipment of RADIC-Q-2 into space.

Now sending a big up yours to the Earth children.

[Mike] No, Sparks. That's the opposite of what I? Never mind.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] And, in the end, we are but moths, flying into God's big old bug zapper.

Out there is the vastness of space. The unknown.

Where all possibilities exist.

And man's future is limited only by his imagination.

[Bill] And his ability to wrestle Jack Palance.

His vision of the stars.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] So, um? That's it then. The Shape of Things to Come is?

[Kevin] Ambiguous and dull.

[Mike] Okay. But the future of mankind is?

[Bill] Hopelessly bland!

[Mike] All right. But we did get to meet Sparks, who?

[Kevin] Was pretty low energy for a suicide robot!

[Mike] But at least it's based on a story by HG Wells, who is.

[Bill] Dead, but still embarrassed by the existence of this movie.

[Mike] Okay. Okay. I think that will do it. I hope you enjoyed this?

Tomorrow after tomorrow, folks.

And if you got this riff anywhere other than our site, could you please

head to our donate page, to help make things right?

And ensure we have a tomorrow, after the tomorrow, that is tomorrow.

[Kevin] Tomorrow.

[Mike] Exactly. Thanks everyone! See you next time! (Bill humming)

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