Original subtitles

[narrator] In 2004,

the Carolina Panthers faced off against the New England Patriots.

It's considered one of the best Super Bowl games ever played,

but it went down in history for another reason.

[man] Many who watched the game on CBS saw something they weren't expecting

during the halftime show that left singer Janet Jackson overexposed.

Accident or planned shock stunt,

or wardrobe malfunction. Whatever it was...

Viacom, which owns CBS,

will have to pay 550,000 dollars.

[narrator] The next day, Janet Jackson apologized.

I am really sorry

if I offended anyone. That was truly not my intention.

[narrator] But the media couldn't get enough.

A, quote, "friend" of Justin Timberlake

anonymously told tabloids

she lied to him and had taken advantage of him

to keep her career alive.

Which was part of a pile-on that Janet Jackson was to blame.

And the next week, when Justin apologized,

he opened with a laugh line.

Listen, I know it's been a rough week on everybody,

- and... -[laughter]

[narrator] And could hardly hold back his smirk.

What occurred was unintentional,

completely regrettable,

and I apologize if you guys were offended.

[narrator] That wouldn't fly as an apology today.

We are in an age of apology.

We cannot read the news

without learning about a new public apology that's been offered.

[narrator] From politicians,

celebrities,

and even governments apologizing for past crimes.

I think one of the concerns people may have

is that with there being so many apologies out there

that they may be less effective.

[Schumann] Something called normative dilution.

[narrator] The more people apologize,

the more we expect apologies,

but the less willing we are to forgive.

As people get more sophisticated

and see more of these type of apologies, they do hope for more.

They hope for some sign that it's actually coming from the person's heart.

[narrator] So, what makes a good apology,

and what power do they really hold?

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

[woman] He'll probably have a perfectly good explanation

for why he was so late.

- Then he'll apologize. - Apology!

We come together today to offer our nation's apology.

I must take complete responsibility for all my actions.

[man] I did not come here to apologize.

I'm not gonna change my mind and I'm not going to be apologetic about it.

This is an opportunity to put the past behind you.

[Palmer] "Forgive me, God, for I have sinned."

For thousands of years in the English-speaking world,

as far as we can tell, these were the only apologies.

Apologies to a higher power.

A researcher analyzed all the surviving texts in Old English

and couldn't find any genuine instance of apologizing.

But then, in the 1590s,

Shakespeare wrote these words:

"My lord, there needs no such apology."

"I do beseech your Grace to pardon me."

It was the first known use of "apology" in the modern sense

and a whole new ritual,

performing our inner contrition to our fellow man.

It's difficult to apologize,

and it's difficult to apologize in a sincere, meaningful way.

[Palmer] But there's usually a handful of key elements.

First, an expression of remorse.

So, this is what we think of when we think about what an apology is.

"I'm sorry. I apologize. I feel terrible." Those types of statements.

[Palmer] Number two.

Acknowledging the harm and suffering the victim experienced

as a result of our actions.

That helps them feel validated and understood.

You also really want to take responsibility.

It's really psychologically important for the victim to hear that.

[Palmer] Offering an explanation for your behavior can help.

And then, to move forward...

[Schumann] An offer of repair or commitment to change.

[Palmer] And finally, a request for forgiveness.

In Karina's research,

people usually say they include four or five of these elements

in their everyday apologies.

But in reality, it's typically just two.

[Schumann] You are battling this push and pull

between wanting to do the right thing, wanting to repair the relationship,

wanting to make the other person feel better,

but also protecting your self-identity as a good person,

not only to the other person, but also to yourself.

That can be very uncomfortable.

[Palmer] And public apologies can be an even trickier performance.

It's hard to satisfy an audience of millions.

There are a ton of considerations when one's deciding whether to apologize.

One of the most important is the audience that matters the most to you.

[Palmer] Matthew Hiltzik is a crisis manager

with a lot of star clients.

It's a thriving business.

I'm gonna answer this. I need to just take a call in a second.

Let me do this, and I'll come right back.

Can I pause for one second? I apologize. I just need...

I apologize for these breaks. This should not hopefully take very long.

Little busier than I thought.

Yeah, it's just one of these days.

I apologize in advance.

You've seen a significant reduction in the big get of an interview,

where you have the celebrity on the couch.

I'm sitting here today to acknowledge that and to say I'm sorry for that.

I just want to apologize.

I'm sorry, and I don't deserve or expect your forgiveness.

They're not taking the chance of having to subject themselves

to the interview process from others.

They have the chance to be able to speak directly to their audiences

in a way that never happened in the past.

[Palmer] Which is a different kind of performance in direct-to-camera videos.

I'm very sorry to anybody who's taken offense.

I'm sorry to everyone that I hurt.

I apologize.

[Palmer] Or statements given a personal touch

by writing them on the iPhone Notes app,

taking a screenshot and posting that to social media.

And so on the one hand, it's great, because it's a lot easier.

You can just say what you want to say and exactly how you want to say it.

[Palmer] But even with that extra control,

a lot of people still struggle to hit these marks.

The biggest mistake that people make when apologizing is to interweave

little defensive components in there

that help them save face, that help them protect their self-image.

[Palmer] Expressions of remorse that don't sound that remorseful.

I sincerely apologize.

I'm a comic.

I crossed the line.

I moved the line.

[Palmer] Or sounding too remorseful.

I'm so sorry.

[sniffles]

[sobbing] I hope one day that you guys...

can see me for the woman that I am.

[Palmer] Laura Lee later apologized for her apology.

In that video, I come off more as a victim.

I am not a victim in any way, form, or fashion

in this situation.

[Palmer] There's also a tendency to deflect blame,

like suggesting the reaction is the real problem.

I didn't want all the screaming and yelling about this trip

to distract even one moment from the real issues

that I think Texans care about.

[Palmer] Or avoiding "I" statements.

I am sorry she was treated the way she was treated.

[Palmer] Or in the case of Ja Rule,

who co-produced the disastrous Fyre Festival,

you can be a lot more explicit.

Putting your foot down and saying, "I'm standing by my actions."

"I refuse to apologize for this."

This comes with a power boost and self-esteem boost

because people feel like they're taking control back over the situation.

[Palmer] And that's a natural impulse,

especially when the situation isn't so clear-cut.

Oftentimes, we all feel a little bit victimized, at least.

And we all feel like we're the ones

who deserve an apology from the other person.

[Palmer] Which is why some experts say

a good apology shouldn't be a performance at all,

but really, a conversation.

My name is Donnell Penny. I'm from Brooklyn, New York.

Lafayette Gardens, not too far from here.

[Palmer] In the summer of 2011, Donnell was going about a regular day,

until his brother burst into the room.

[Penny] His eye is all swollen, his nose is bleeding.

He's looking real bad. And I'm like, "What happened?"

And he tells me that at a bus station, he was jumped.

Mind you, there's always been some type of bad energy on that corner,

because that corner cuts off the neighborhood in which two gangs rival.

[Palmer] Donnell's brother was a quiet kid, a bookworm.

So, for me, it was, "Let me go outside so they can see who I am,

and whose brother that was, and we can get to the bottom of this."

[Palmer] As Donnell and his brother walked back to the scene,

they drew a crowd.

When they got to the bus stop, they confronted a guy there

who they thought was involved.

They began to form, like, a circle

and they asked me

why did I do something to one of their friends

on the bus earlier that day.

And I just told them that,

"No. I don't know what you're talking about. It's not me."

And they kept saying that it was me.

I became agitated.

[Palmer] And then Brandon pulled out a razor,

slashed Donnell's brother in the face and took off running.

[Penny] So automatically I go red.

[Palmer] They chased Brandon into a deli.

[Brandon] We began to fight.

[Penny] One of the gentlemen that was with us

grabbed the knife from over the deli counter and stabbed him.

It almost punctured my lungs. I received 160 staples.

[Palmer] Both Donnell and Brandon were arrested and faced years in prison.

My name's Danielle Sered.

I'm the Executive Director of Common Justice.

The district attorney and the court will come to an agreement

that so long as somebody participates fully in Common Justice,

they are willing at the end of that process

to dismiss the felony charges against that person.

At the core of our work is a restorative justice-based alternative to prison.

The term "restorative justice"

became popularized in the United States in the '70s,

even though it draws from traditions that long predate that.

[Palmer] The core idea is a circle.

[Sered] It includes the person responsible for the harm,

the person who was hurt,

their support people, their loved ones.

[Penny] One of them was my mother and one was my aunt.

[Brandon] I came into the circle with my mother and my girlfriend.

[Palmer] And a facilitator.

The process goes through many of these steps of an apology,

but saying sorry isn't required.

They start with the explanation.

We had to connect the story together

in order to understand why did we react the way we did.

And there was parts of it that they didn't know about.

At a point before me cutting Penny's brother,

a gun was flashed.

[Palmer] The gun.

Donnell had no idea that someone in his group had taken out a gun.

And I had this eureka moment, like,

"Of course you would swing."

My anger shifted, really.

It shifted, one, to the guy who was in the back of me

and to me, for having those type of damn people around me.

I literally started spewing, and I was like,

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." And I kept saying it.

I went outside trying to protect my brother,

and I really hurt a brother.

And I'm sorry I hurt my other brother.

[Palmer] The apology that wasn't required was volunteered.

I remember about Penny's apology just how genuine it was.

It just felt organic.

I apologized as well,

and I just felt like we knew each other for years.

In many ways,

trauma distills down to powerlessness,

which means that the opposite of trauma isn't help.

The opposite of trauma is power.

[Palmer] And that's how they approach repair.

The circle brainstorms together

a list of actions that would help make things right

and form a binding agreement that's visible to the courts.

I was told to write a letter to my son,

explaining what happened

and a life lesson that I wanted to teach him from that situation.

[Palmer] Donnell and Brandon also went back to the scene together.

[Penny] We went back to that bus stop,

very early in the morning, when nobody was out there.

[Palmer] With flowers and a teddy bear.

[Brandon] And also some balloons that we released into the air.

[Palmer] Like a memorial.

[Penny] When you see a memorial in your neighborhood, you're saying,

"This person moved on to a better place, but this negative thing happened."

[Palmer] Governments have embraced restorative justice models, too.

South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission,

or TRC, is the most famous example.

Chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu,

it was an effort to heal after apartheid

by gathering testimony from victims about the crimes that had taken place

and granting amnesty to perpetrators, who came forward and told the whole truth.

Approximately 40% of South Africans watched

as the first victims testified,

including a woman named Nomonde.

I knew for a very long time

that my husband has been killed by the State Security police.

That I really wanted to say in public.

[Palmer] In 1985, Nomonde's husband, Fort Calata,

along with three other anti-apartheid activists,

had been beaten, stabbed,

and left in a burnt-out car.

No one was ever held accountable.

[wailing in despair]

Archbishop Desmond Tutu called her cry "the defining sound of the TRC."

[Nomonde] I just couldn't take it.

I never had

enough time with my husband

in our marriage.

It was too quick and too short.

Every day, it feels as if it just happened yesterday.

She represented each and every other woman

who never had a cathartic moment.

[Palmer] A few months later, the TRC contacted Nomonde.

Someone had come forward.

[Nomonde] With the name of Eric Taylor.

He's fully taking responsibility

of killing Fort Calata.

[Palmer] Nomonde watched as Eric Taylor gave his testimony.

[translator] I hit Mr. Calata from behind with this heavy iron object,

and I set both these bodies alight.

[Palmer] He'd been ordered to commit the murders,

but refused to say by whom.

[Nomonde] He asked me, will I forgive him?

I do have a place in my heart for forgiveness,

but how can I forgive you,

who is still lying?

[Palmer] The TRC denied Eric Taylor's amnesty application,

but he was never actually prosecuted.

[Nomonde] Until the day when you come up and tell the truth

in front of everyone,

and you get your punishment for killing my husband,

then I will rethink of forgiveness after that.

I will not go so far as to say that

every type of person requires forgiveness to be able to heal.

Some people might heal more from being vengeful,

some people might heal more from just avoiding it and pushing it away,

as far away from their memory and their daily life as they possibly can.

[Dorothy] The essence of truth will be our healing.

Whoever is running around,

depriving us of that truth

is perpetuating the trauma in our lives.

[Sered] Part of what helps us come through trauma

is the formation of a coherent narrative.

Like a story about what happened

that describes a world that we can live in.

[Brandon] When we begin to talk about the story,

I explained that to Don

and then they explained to me from their perspective.

That's when I knew it was genuine.

It's not always a universal narrative.

It sometimes still has gaps in it,

it still has tensions in it,

but it's true enough that it can bear your weight.

[Palmer] As societies,

the stories we tell ourselves about who's been wronged

and what needs righting, they shift all the time.

In just the last few years,

the sexual harassment of women became widely recognized

as a pervasive and serious problem.

And the killing of George Floyd by police in the summer of 2020,

and the worldwide protests and conversations it sparked,

convinced millions more Americans

that racial discrimination was a big problem in their country.

People might call this the age of apology,

but in 2020, there were roughly the same number of apologies

reported in The New York Times as in 2010.

The real change was what people were apologizing for,

including things that not so long ago they didn't see as wrong.

I didn't consider it a racist action at the time,

but now we know better,

and this was something that was unacceptable and, yes, racist.

I look back today at some of the ways I've talked casually

about people, and gender identity, and sexual orientation,

and I wonder who that even was.

I now see that we could and should have acted sooner

and acted faster to cut the stops.

I'm sorry that we didn't.

The hope is overall that when you're dealing

with a real deep-rooted, crisis-type situation

where people were really hurt by something someone said or did,

that there's a way to be able to find your way back

where you can have your client or even yourself learn about things.

[Palmer] Public apologies might be a performance,

but they're also a measure of our values

and can actually help those values spread.

Seventeen years after Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson apologized to America,

Justin Timberlake apologized to Janet Jackson

for benefiting from a system that condones misogyny and racism.

Apologies can take time.

There's a good chance you owe one that you aren't ready to give,

because they're more than just boxes you can check.

I would like to encourage people to consider it an action

that allows you to take control of your fate in your own way.

It's a pretty courageous thing to do.

What made me feel apologetic was the connection

and knowing he was a human being who loved,

who dreamed, and wanted great things just like I did.

Relate enough to be, like, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what I've caused, for what I've done.

I'm sorry for the ripple effects it has caused to your family.

I accepted it immediately 'cause I wanted this.

I, I was ready and willing.

I look at that day as a gift and a curse,

because I could have had that encounter with someone else,

and it wouldn't have played out like this. And it helped me mature a whole lot.

And that's my brother now.

That situation brought two strangers together.

It's freaking dope.

[closing theme music playing]