Original subtitles

Wait.

♪ I’m feelin’ happy inside ♪

♪ I got no reason to hide, I’m a dream girl ♪

♪ I’m never stressin’ my bills, nobody ever gets killed ♪

♪ It’s the dream wo-wo-wo-world ♪

♪ Oh oh oh, oh oh oh

♪ Everything is just wonderful ♪

♪ Here in my dreams, in my dreams ♪

♪ Every day is a holiday

- Oh... - ♪ When you’re living inside the dreams ♪

- ♪ Why would anyone stay awake ♪ - Oh, hi.

- ♪ After being so sound asleep ♪

- ♪ Everything is just wonderful ♪ - What?

- Good God. - ♪ In my dreams...

Bye.

Hmm.

♪ Everything is just wonderful in my dreams ♪

- Thank you. - No problem.

Morning. How are you?

Cool. Kicking pizza.

- You can just take my number. - Oh!

Oh, my God, you’re Toned Tanya.

I was just taking a photo

so the tabs were available for other people, so...

- Here. Take a tab. - Oh. Thank you.

Oh.

Wow. Your wrists are tiny.

Oh.

You actually have a really small frame.

There is a small person inside of you dying to get out.

Well, I hope that small person’s OK in there.

I know, it can seem impossible. But you can do this.

You weren’t meant to carry around all this extra weight.

Oh. Wow. Um, very cool.

I know I can help you.

Well, that’s very nice. Thank you.

No. Thank yourself for the amazing way you’re gonna feel

after you give yourself permission to be well.

Thank you, me.

- You could be so pretty. - Oh.

- That was crazy. - Oh. No.

No, no, it was cool. She wants me to transform--

like a Transformer.

You’re funny! You’re like Rosie O’Donnell.

- Oh. - I think that

every time you come in here.

I think, "Who does she remind me of? Rosie O’Donnell."

Oh! Wow. Thank you.

- Yeah. - OK, well, have a good one, guys.

- You too. - You too.

"Piles of old prescription glasses and other treasures

once owned by child ghosts can now we yours.

It’s the annual St. Andrew’s Academy rummage sale."

- It’s good. - Really?

Yeah. I’m into it.

Hey, Gabe! Cool shirt alert!

Whoo!

Did you just "cool shirt alert" your grown-man boss?

Yes. And I whoo’ed.

Amadi, would I be insane

to go and pitch Gabe my idea about Portland’s female longshoremen?

- I say go for it. - Really?

Really.

- OK. I’m gonna do it. - Go do it.

- Hey, Ruthie. - What?

- I was just saying hi. - Hi.

Would it be OK if I, um, went in and talked to Gabe?

- I’m sorry, what? - Can I go in and talk to Gabe?

I’m having a bad day. Look at this.

Is that a little cat? Or...

It’s a cat that was shot to death.

Jesus! Why are you looking at that?

I don’t know. Shut up.

- OK. Thank you. - [sighs]

He’s not coming.

Gabe!

I said come in!

OK. Thanks, Ruthie.

I’m-I’m sorry to interrupt.

What is it?

I just came in to say that, um,

I just loved your article in last week’s issue.

It was so, so great.

Did you, um...

did you really give Henry Rollins a piggyback ride?

That’s what we called it back then.

Oh, God. So, so good. Amazing.

- What is it, Annie? - Well, um, first let me just say

you know that it’s been my dream to work for you, and I’ve--

I’ve been reading your work since I was 14.

That’s adorable. Is there a point?

Well, I know I’m just Assistant Calendar Editor,

but I would really love to write more,

- and I have some ideas-- - Annie.

You millennial dumpling.

I just want you to work hard and pay your dues.

- OK? - OK.

God, when I was your age, I was already

burnin’ shit down and fuckin’ shit up.

Yes. Exactly. And I would love to start fuckin’ some shit up.

Annie, please, go away.

I love you. You’re a vital and tiny cog.

OK. So that’s a maybe then, right?

Mmm. Mmm.

Ohh. Ohh...

- Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. - What?

- I just-- Don’t stop. - OK.

I just wanna leave it on, OK?

OK. Mmm.

Yeah, yeah.

It always feels so much better no-condom.

For you too, right?

Yes, absolutely.

I was worried too, because I jacked off like an hour before you got here.

- Mm-hmm? - But that was actually really good.

- Cool. - Mm.

Hey, um, you should get a second pillow,

’cause then I can have one when I sleep over.

No way. I’m your pillow.

You know, um, it’s almost our six-months-of-fucking anniversary.

Why do you think I brought the water?

Well, thanks.

- Thanks for that. - You’re welcome.

OK.

I gotta go back to work.

But... do you wanna get dinner tonight?

I can’t. I’m, uh,

working on my Alcatraz podcast with Pete and Mike.

- Oh, yeah, um, "Talkin’ ’Traz," right? - Yeah.

Well, do you work at the hardware store today, or no?

No. My boss Dave suspended me

for making free keys for everyone I know.

Well, then you should make a key to Dave’s house

and then kill him and his entire family.

- [laughs] - That’s fucked up.

- His wife just had a baby. - Oh. Yeah.

I-I wasn’t serious about the murder,

but you’re taking it seriously, so that’s good.

I’m glad I got to see you.

Me too. That was cool.

- Yeah. - Good God...

Hey, my roommates are here, so...

Your brother and Pete? I really want to meet them.

Yeah, and you will, like, definitely.

But maybe not today?

I don’t wanna have to explain my love life to those clowns.

- Totally. Sure. - Yeah.

Hey. You’re cool with going out the back again, right?

Um...

- yeah. - Cool.

C’mon.

Shhh! Quietly.

OK, bye.

Oh, wait. Gimme a kiss.

Uhh!

Hi.

Let’s see, I got my lotion and my gum

and my shoelaces for my brown shoes, which I love,

um, and could I also get, um, the morning-after pill?

I think it’s called... Step Two?

Thank you.

So, do you, uh, sell more of the morning-after pill

in the morning, or is it kind of an all-day thing?

Hey, Nick! Do we sell the morning-after pill--

That’s OK, we-- we don’t need to bother Nick.

He’s, um, doin’ pill business.

Um, I-I will just pay,

and--and this’ll be over.

If I saw you walkin’ down the street, I would get down on one knee.

You look perfect.

Fran, you’re a genius.

Text me if you want a fringe trim.

Or text me when you break up with your shitty boyfriend.

Bye. Thank you.

- Bye, Annie. - Bye!

Oh, my God. She comes for trims all the time.

- It’s exhausting. - I know, and did she even pay you?

’Cause she’s the one that never pays, right?

She never pays me in money.

It’s always some shit that I don’t want.

I mean, let’s see what she brought me this time.

OK, whoa. Oh.

Ooh!

This could be for you.

I don’t know.

I don’t know if I would really wear this.

Like, could I pull it off?

Also, it looks like the security tags are still on there,

which, I don’t know, kind of leads me to believe

it’s all stolen.

Is that our business, though?

I mean, yes, a grifter whose hair I cut brought them into our home,

but this stuff is nice.

- Ooh. - Good God.

- That’s looks like a stillborn puppy. - What?!

Bonkers! Bonkers, no!

Oh my God, he has a tampon.

- Was that yours? - No. I haven’t had my period

in kind of a while, actually.

- Oh, fuck! - What?

Mia just texted me and said she wanted to hang out,

but I already told the other one she could come over.

OK. Don’t call her "the other one." I really like Sarah.

Yeah, I mean, Sarah’s fine.

What are you, Mrs. Doubtfire?

You gonna get ’em in the same restaurant and just juggle ’em back and forth?

OK, first of all, that’s not the plot of Mrs. Doubtfire.

Mrs. Doubtfire is about one man

trying to convince one family that he’s two people.

I am one person trying to fuck two people as myself.

OK, well, that is fucked, Fran.

What’s your problem?

I don’t know, I feel... kind of weird.

Shit, that’s Sarah. Are you OK?

Yeah, I’m fine.

"Submerge the wand..."

Fuck!

Uhh. Shit.

Hello. I’m sorry, I just took this pregnancy test in your bathroom,

and I believe that it’s defective,

because it just gave me a very disturbing false positive,

so I would love to do an exchange, please?

How is it defective?

It says that I’m pregnant, and that’s impossible

because I’ve been taking the morning-after pill.

Oh. Uh, do you weigh over 175 pounds?

Yes.

The morning-only pill is only dosed for women 175 pounds and under.

What?! But I’ve taken it before.

It’s supposed to be for emergencies only.

I guess...

I guess I’m just wondering why

the pharmacist who’s usually here when I’m here,

the Irish hunk,

like, why didn’t he tell me that the morning-after pill

wouldn’t work for me

any of the last seven times I’ve come here and bought it?

Oh, that guy. That guy’s very bad at his job.

Yeah.

Yeah!

OK.

OK, I don’t understand.

How did this even happen? You obviously use birth control.

I mean, usually we do,

but I don’t know, Ryan loves to raw-dog.

Ohh. Sorry, what?

Well, raw-dogging.

It’s literally his favorite thing.

So how could I take away his favorite thing?

My favorite thing is you not having a child

with a guy who says "raw-dog."

You trying to take away my favorite thing?

No. No, I just--

I’ve been using the morning-after pill, and it didn’t work.

Are you rich? That’s like $50 every time you have sex with Ryan.

It’s just, he liked me, and I didn’t want him to stop liking me,

so... I just went with it.

Wow. I know. I just--

What do you think I should do?

What? Get an abortion

before it becomes illegal or something.

Yeah, but I keep having this little thought of like

maybe this is my chance to be a mom.

OK, you’re gonna have a lot more chances to be a mum,

and maybe we just don’t take this one,

which is the one with the guy who makes you leave through the back gate.

I just mean, like...

there have been moments in my life...

where I didn’t think that I would ever get to have that.

You know? Because of what I looked like or...

because there’s a certain way that your body is supposed to be,

and I’m not that.

And that...

maybe if I was just sweet enough and nice enough

and easy-going enough with any guy,

that that would be enough for someone.

Honey, you’re being so mean to yourself. I--

I mean, it makes me so sad.

Well... I mean,

it’s humiliating to say out loud, but it’s also the kind of stuff

that’s fucking going through my head all the time.

Then we need to make sure that it’s not going through your head

all the time, and we need to untrain you

from thinking of yourself in such a brutal way.

Maybe the first step to doing that

is ending things with this Ryan.

Yeah. I just...

I don’t know if I can do that.

I think you can.

Do you think it would be OK if I just laid down on this couch

and slept here until I died?

Mom?

- Mom? - Oh, hi!

- Oh, hi. - I didn’t know you were coming over.

- Yeah. - Ohh.

Where’s Dad?

- He’s laying down. - Oh.

- How was radiation? - Oh, the same.

Makes him feel like shit, but that’s just how it is.

- Yeah. - Hey, are you liking the Thin Menu?

Because I am loving it.

Um, I don’t know. It’s fine.

I definitely am starving all day long.

Oh. OK, well, are you doing the almonds between meals?

Six almonds keeps me full for hours.

Yeah. I’m doing the almonds. They’re so satisfying.

Sometimes when I have six almonds I feel like I had twelve almonds.

Oh. You’re joking.

Sorry. It sucks.

The stuff isn’t exactly free, Annie.

Excuse me for trying to do something to help both of us

get a little bit healthier.

Will you please take this to your father?

What? Are you mad?

- No! - OK.

Oh, God.

Hi.

Hey. Annie Banannie!

Welcome to my office.

Ooh. I like this. What is this?

This is me and Uncle Jerry at the Hungry Turtle.

Nineteen-seventy-seven.

I was younger than you when I recorded this.

- Where’s Mom? - She’s in the kitchen.

I bet she’ll make you a sandwich or something if you want it.

Remember that chicken salad you made me for Father’s Day?

- Oh. - That was the best chicken salad

I have ever had in my life.

It was perfect!

Well, I am definitely not perfect.

Really? Well, that’s too bad, ’cause I am.

- Oh, Dad! - Hmm?

How are you doing? OK?

Never better. Really. Mom’s taking great care of me.

I’m gonna be back in fightin’ shape before you know it.

And she did it! And then she did it!

Thank you.

Um, they actually said I can have a support person,

which means that you can come in with me.

Of course I will.

OK, Annie,

I’m just gonna finish numbing you now.

You might feel some light cramping.

You might also feel some numbing in your tongue or ringing in your ears.

- OK? - OK.

You OK?

Now I’m opening your cervix.

Some cramping is normal.

Everything looks great, and we’re about two-thirds of the way finished now.

You’re doing great, Annie. Almost done.

Annie?

- Are you awake? - Ye-es.

- Oh, my God. - OK, yes?

Yes. Wow. Thank you.

- You like it? - I’m a genius.

I was right. You look fucking amazing.

I know. I didn’t think I was gonna like it,

but I actually really like it.

So, thank you.

- How you feeling? - Better.

Like, I feel... really, really good.

What happened?

I don’t know. I’ve had the last couple days

to think about a lot of shit,

like when I was at my parents’ house

and I was just looking at all these photos of me

from when I was growing up,

and little me was just so happy

and fat and had big, dumb dreams.

And I got myself into this huge fucking mess...

but I made a decision,

only for me, for myself,

and I got myself out of it.

Good.

I don’t know, I feel very fucking powerful right now.

And I just feel like I need to go out.

Do it, bitch. I love you.

I love you too.

- Oh, no. - Oh-ho-ho!

- Oh, my gosh. - OK.

- What’s happening? - I have no idea, but I like it.

I’m afraid that I’m feeling myself.

It’s an emergency.

Whoa. Yes. I need to call 999.

Nine-one-one!

Some people think Alcatraz is an island off San Francisco,

but I’m here to tell you it’s an island of the mind.

Oh, shit.

That’s crazy. Did you just think of that?

Should our podcast be titled "Island of the Mind"?

- I like that. - It’s already called "Talkin’ ’Traz."

I’m gonna start again.

Welcome back to "Talkin’ ’Traz."

Some people think Alcatraz is an island off San Francisco,

- Hi! - but I’m here--

Oh, hey.

Hey. Can we talk?

- Yeah. - OK.

Hi. I’m Annie.

I’m the one that Ryan fucks, so...

I just-- I wanted you to know that I got pregnant.

Oh, shit!

- And I had an abortion. - Ahh, that’s good news.

Ryan, don’t. Don’t do that.

OK.

Um, I really, really thought about

having a baby with you.

And that you would have to take me out to restaurants

and treat me like a normal girl.

And then I just started thinking I shouldn’t have to fucking trap you

into treating me like I’m a human being.

And I’ve been letting people dismiss me

or say shit to me about my body my entire life.

And at this point, I just feel like "Fuck them."

- Yeah, fuck them. - And fuck you, too.

Yeah. I mean...

wow.

Um...

it’s probably for the best.

I don’t think I could deal with another kid.

What?

You know, besides Nathaniel. Little man.

Are you telling me you have a fuckin’ child?

Yeah. He’s 14.

He lives with his mom and his stepdad up in Vancouver.

He’s a dual citizen, which is kind of cool.

- Are you serious? - I told you about Nathaniel.

No. No, you never told me that you had a child.

I think I would remember that.

This is exactly my point. I don’t know you.

And you don’t know me at all.

I can’t do this anymore. This is not working.

I’m gonna go.

Uh, wait. Annie.

Are you OK? About the thing?

The abortion?

Yeah. I’m OK.

- I’m not into logistics. - No, I understand that.

- But what are we going do about it? - We got it all taken care of.

- Gabe. Gabe. - We got Jen and Bob...

Gabe. Can I give you a quick pitch, please?

I recently found out that the morning-after pill

doesn’t work on plus-size women, and I was wondering

- if I could write something-- - No.

- Um, yeah, so-- - Do we have a team

that can move that quickly?

Yes. We’ve got a team ready--

I’m sorry. Are you fucking kidding me?

You let Andy write an 1800-word feature

about what it’s like to do molly,

and then you let him write a second one

called "Return to Molly: Doing Molly Again."

That sucks! I’m better than Andy!

I’m sorry. Andy, you’re great in a lot of ways, but I’m--

I’m better in most!

Oh, my God. You’re a total bitch.

N-No, I’m not.

Yes, you are. You’re a shitty cunt.

And I like it.

Really? So... can I write my article?

- No. - Well, Gabe, Carla’s out next week,

and we need somebody to write the food follows, so...

- Oh, my God. Fine. - Wait. Really?

Yes, I don’t really give a shit.

- Oh, my God, thank you so much! - Honey, please.

And Andy, oh, my God, I just sold you out so fuckin’ hard

and you did me such a solid! Thank you, man!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Thank you. - No, just the one is fine.

You’re right. I know. It’s just the food follow, and I’m--

I’m so-- Thank you.

Yes!

Damn.

- Hey. One sec. - Oh.

- You were supposed to call me! - Yeah, I’m--

I’m actually all good.

- Thank you, though. - But you need a trainer.

Come on, girl, you owe it to yourself.

You don’t have to settle for this.

- You better call me. - OK.

Fuck you.

Excuse me?

Oh. I just said thank you for caring about my health.

I heard what you said, and you know what,

I was just trying to help you, you fat bitch.

♪ Don’t worry ’bout me, I’m doing good ♪

♪ I’m doing great, alright ♪

♪ It’s about to get ugly, flow so mean, I just can’t be polite ♪

♪ Don’t worry ’bout me, I’m doing good, I’m doing great, alright ♪

♪ It’s about to get ugly, flow so mean, I just can’t be polite ♪

♪ I bet you ain’t heard no flow like this ♪

♪ Make you say , "Yo, excuse me, Miss" ♪

♪ Go against me, I’ll beat like Swizz ♪

♪ I like my paper nice and crisp, oh ♪

♪ Crispy clean and crisp and clean ♪

♪ For the dough I go nuts like Krispy Kreme ♪

♪ Music is in my Billie genes

♪ Can’t no one ever come between, yo ♪

♪ Don’t worry ’bout me, I’m doing good, I’m doing great, alright ♪

♪ It’s about to get ugly, flow so mean, I just can’t be polite ♪

♪ Don’t worry ’bout me, I’m doing good, I’m doing great, alright ♪

♪ It’s about to get ugly, flow so mean, I just can’t ♪

♪ Don’t worry ’bout me, I’m doing good, I’m doing great, alright ♪

♪ It’s about to get ugly, flow so mean, I just can’t be polite ♪

♪ Don’t worry ’bout me, I’m doing good, I’m doing great, alright ♪

♪ It’s about to get ugly, flow so mean, I just can’t ♪