Original subtitles

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Fuego del Culo.

Girl, if it itches, it's crabs.

("SHAPESHIFT" BY HAVEMORALS PLAYS)

♪ I switched the game No time for playing ♪

♪ I'm redefined ♪

♪ Now I'ma transform ♪

♪ Right in front Of all your eyes ♪

♪ I shapeshift ♪

Hey, girl. You want some brown liquor?

Brown liquor don't make this pussy pop.

Tequila it is.

Here you go. Mm.

!Viva la revolución!

Now, that shit right there make

my pussy pop on a handstand!

So, what are you doing here anyway?

What do you think I'm doing here?

I'm starring in the opening scene.

Been there, done that. (PHONE BUZZES)

RINGTONE: Pick up the phone! Pick up the pho--

Richie? Teyana. Hi.

I thought it'd be easier for the audience

if they didn't have to read more texts.

Yeah, that makes sense. 'Cause you know these motherfuckers can't read.

I know who goes to see a Wayans Brothers movie.

RICHIE: Well, it's nice to phone-meet you

in this super awkward way.

Likewise. But I got to be honest.

When I seen your profile pic, a bitch almost swiped left

because you look mad goofy.

But surprisingly,

you know them goofy niggas got big dicks, so here we are.

RICHIE: I take you for a Jersey girl.

A Jersey girl?

Listen, I love Jersey down.

But I'm a Harlem girl. Born and motherfucking raised.

Real niggas only. Yeah.

RICHIE: Oh, so you're Black.

No, motherfucker!

I'm BLACK! (DINERS GASP)

TEYANA: All caps.

No cap, but caps.

Fuck all y'all!

Bitch, spit them pearls back out.

(WOMAN GAGS)

I ain't want your shit.

Hello. So tell me,

what's your favorite scary movie?

Mm... I don't really do them, you know.

All the stupid tropes and shit.

Why is it always the white bitch at the end?

Because they know it is too hard to kill a sista.

Y'know what I'm sayin'? Cause if the sista can survive

government cheese, we can survive anything.

(RICHIE CHUCKLES)

RICHIE: You know, it might help if you met me outside.

Met you outside? Boy, you is needy!

What's your sign? You must be a Scorpio.

RICHIE: How'd you know?

Good dick though. But toxic as hell.

RICHIE: Hey, is the restaurant near an alley?

Yes, hurry before they rob your ass.

Roses? Ah! Not today.

Cheap bitch. Heard you, ho.

RICHIE: Okay, I'm-- I'm coming down the alley now.

I'm here. Can you see me? I'm waving.

RICHIE: No.

The person I'm looking at is not waving.

In fact, they're just staring at me.

Well, stare at his ass back!

And don't blink. Never blink.

You got to scrunch your lips and be like, "What?"

RICHIE: No, they're walking towards me now.

Hold on. Oh no, they have a knife!

Well, don't lead his ass over here.

RICHIE: And that's not the worst part.

(BEEP, TONE)

(VOICE DISTORTS) The worst part is you know so much

about horror movies and yet you still

walked into the alley alone.

Yeah, well the worst part is,

you fucking with a New York bitch. Cuckoo!

Yeah!

(TEYANA WHOOPING)

TEYANA: Cuckoo, cuckoo!

(GRUNTS) TEYANA: Cuckoo!

(GRUNTS)

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

GHOSTFACE: Damn! She's on some Avengers shit!

(BELL DINGS)

(BELL DINGING)

(BELL DINGS)

Seriously, Larry?

I ain't recognize your bird call.

Thought you was going more with a-- (COOS)

That's a pigeon, nigga! Supposed to be, "Cuckoo!"

Cuckoo! A hawk swooping in an attack!

My bad.

GHOSTFACE: Are you done?

What the hell?

(GROUP CHUCKLES)

Bitch, I'm Teyana Taylor. My abs got abs.

Get him!

GHOSTFACE: Ow! My arm! My arm! (GLASS SHATTERS)

Get in there!

GHOSTFACE: Come on, guys, we can work this out.

(MEN JEERING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

GHOSTFACE: Somebody help me!

MAN: Do it, Larry!

GHOSTFACE: No, no, no-- (GRUNTS)

MAN 2: Hi-yah!

GHOSTFACE: Ow! Oh, God!

All right, all right, all right, all right!

We out. Get your hardheaded ass on.

Welcome to New York, sucker!

GHOSTFACE: Hey, Teyana.

You might have kicked my ass,

but you still didn't win that Oscar.

What you say about my Oscar?

GHOSTFACE: Did I stutter? You lost!

You right.

But I won that Golden Globe, bitch.

GIRL: Oh, my God! Really?

That's why I never watched Horror Movie.

It's fucking terrible.

Just a bunch of celebrity cameos and fart gags.

(SIGHS)

GIRL ON PHONE: So, you don't like parodies?

I'm more into Judd Apatow films.

You know, elevated comedy.

GIRL: And what is elevated comedy?

Mm. (INHALER CLATTERS)

The kind that doesn't actually make anyone laugh,

but makes white people feel smart.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

GIRL: Tuesday, don't answer that!

It could be Ghostface.

Oh, come on, Elle!

Stuff like that only happens in the movies.

GHOSTFACE: Oh, hey.

I wasn't expecting you to answer the door.

What the fuck? Now where is my knife?

Ah, here it is.

Hello, Tuesday.

(SCREAMS)

("MESSY" BY REDD. PLAYS)

♪ I really wanna get messy ♪

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

♪ Don't care what I'm doing Next week ♪

♪ You really don't wanna Test me ♪

♪ Just pass the drinks And get sexy ♪

♪ Get messy Baby, get messy ♪

(PEOPLE SCREAMING) Hey, miss.

What'd you take?

Just Ritalin for my ADHD.

Adderall for PTSD.

A couple of Xanax for my anxiety.

And your boner pills. (GIGGLES)

So good luck getting it up now. (DENIM STRAINS)

JACK: Jesus, Sara, how many did you take?

I don't know. How many come in a bottle?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Jess. Sara,

Tuesday's in the hospital.

She was stabbed. By a killer-- you know, Ghostface.

Wait. From Wu-Tang?

Why would Ghostface Killah aka Pretty Toney

aka Starky Love want to stab my sister?

JESS: God, Sara, it wasn't Ghostface Killah.

It was somebody in a Ghostface mask.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Okay, that makes more sense.

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

(SARA GRUNTING)

Hah!

I ain't the one! (HOCKS)

(GRUNTS) Oh!

Jesus, Jack!

What?

I was thinking about wearing this for Halloween.

My estranged flat-chested half-sister

was nearly killed by a psycho in a ghost mask.

(DISTANT SCREAMING)

I got to go see her and make up for the past.

Whoa-- Hey, hey, hey. (GASPS)

I'm going with you.

Not because I'm the obvious killer

trying to lure you back to your hometown.

I'm just the supportive boyfriend.

Yeah. That's all.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Okay, let's go. Get in the car.

SARA: Listen, we just have to make one stop on the way.

I survived.

All thanks to my lucky penny. (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

("HOES" BY LIZZO PLAYS)

♪ The world would be Boring as fuck ♪

♪ Without big booty Real hoochie mamas like me ♪

♪ Grabbing ankles Throwing ass on ATVs ♪

♪ Make 'em say "uh" I got Master P ♪

♪ Doggy-style, look here, That's masterpiece ♪

♪ I don't wanna be In no sausage fest ♪

♪ Where my ladies at? Throw it east to west ♪

♪ Wow, wow, wow, wow I'm impressed ♪

♪ Booty up down, up down... ♪

(MUSIC CONTINUES, MUFFLED)

I hate when y'all leave! Come give me a hug.

Ma, come on, turn off this ratchet-ass music.

It's embarrassing, especially for Black women.

It's not embarrassing.

I'm the cool ma everybody wish they had.

I'm lit! Don't forget,

I got practice later so I'll be home late.

You only made the team because you're Black

and those racist fucks assumed you could play.

Mm. It's 2026.

I don't think race is an issue.

Do you read Black Twitter?

No.

Ugh, Brad,

are you still dating that ho?

GIRL: Okay.

Stop ho-shaming her, heiffa.

(SCOFFS) Just because Darrel and them

ran a train on her doesn't make her a ho.

She's not a "ho", she's "sex positive".

Well, I'm positive she is a ho.

Hey, girl! Look at you!

Early for Halloween, huh?

What you this year? Slutty schoolgirl?

Ho-ey ho?

Hi, Ms. Meeks.

Love the hair. Very...

Octavia Spencer.

Well, thank you very much.

I got to invite you over

and make you a little shit pie. Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

You know what? I got to get to African American History class.

We're learning about slavery.

Come to find out, it was a choice.

You see that right there?

That's Kanye? That's right.

They've been teaching us wrong all this time.

Mm-hmm. Stay Black!

Bye, Ma. All right. Bye, baby.

Bye, Ms. Meeks. Bye.

Son, I put some condoms in your bag!

You know how they try to trap y'all.

Ma!

Okay, seriously, "Sheriff Greg",

you don't have to walk me to class. I'm fine.

Jess, there's a serial killer on the loose.

I'm not gonna let anything happen to my baby girl.

Boy! Okay? I'm a baby boy!

I'm sorry!

I'm having a hard time with this transition.

Okay, it's really simple. Treat me like one of the guys.

Okay?

All right. I-I can do that. Yeah.

Slap fight. (CHUCKLES) (SCOFFS) Oh.

You call that a slap?

(GROANS)

Whew.

What the hell did you do that for?

Don't act like such a bitch. (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS) Bitch.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, not bad.

JACK: Who the hell lives like this?

Oh, honey, it is so good to see you!

Come in! Do you want some tea?

Oh, my God, Mother. You look like shit!

(SIGHS) JACK: Babe, please.

This is clearly a woman who's run out of conditioner.

Oh, be careful where you walk. The whole place

is booby-trapped.

You never know when that psycho's gonna come back.

(GROANS) Come in.

Okay.

(SCREAMS)

(YELPS, GRUNTS)

(WEAKLY) I hate this job.

JACK: Mrs. Campbell,

I'm Jack, Sara's boyfriend.

I've heard so much about you...

Uh, none of it good.

I have heard nothing about you, Jack.

I assume you're a piece of shit.

But how would I know when I haven't heard from my daughter

in, what, six months?

Six years, Mother.

And whose fault is that?

"And whose fault is that?" I don't know, maybe it's yours!

That's fair.

We want to learn from the horror you survived.

Look...

Scary Movie 3 and 4

paid me a lot of money for a girl--

There is nothing to learn there.

But if you want to talk about The House Bunny, shoot.

It's happening again!

Some asshole in a mask. We have to stop him.

You're not ready, lovebug.

I have been preparing for this for years.

Sacrificed everything.

You were a terrible mother. Come on, honey

we had some good times.

Like that Christmas I took you to meet Santa at the mall.

("JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS)

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go... ♪ Your turn, Sara.

Move!

Hi, Santa.

Sorry if I don't sit in your lap.

You creep me out.

♪ How fun it is To ride and sing... ♪

SARA: Mom?

Santa gave me a severed arm!

Be sure to thank him.

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

(CHILDREN CLAMORING)

GIRL: Is that a foot?

Ew, that's gross.

♪ One horse open... ♪

What the fuck?

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS FADING) CINDY: I am sorry

if that's how you found out Santa doesn't exist.

Ugh, Mother, I need your help!

To heal our emotional wounds and put the past behind us?

(SNORTS) Oh, God, no.

(CHUCKLES) No, to kill Ghostface!

Do you have any guns?

(SCOFFS)

I am Cindy fucking Campbell.

I've got millions of guns!

But, um,

none of them are registered

due to my mental health issues.

So, if you could just keep that on the low-- (YELPS)

JACK: Okay. CINDY: Oh!

Yeah, I'm gonna be fine.

I didn't hurt myself on any of these spikes.

("KISS OR KILL" BY STELA COLE PLAYS)

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

♪ Me and you We're sitting in a tree ♪

Oh, hey, so I spoke to Sara earlier.

Oh, is she coming? You know,

I did hear a buzzing sound.

So it's possible. No.

I meant to Woodsville, dumbass. Oh. Yeah, I forgot to ask.

Hey, Jimbo! Go deep!

Yeah, yeah! Throw it, throw it!

Oh!

Sweet! (CHUCKLES)

Speaking of going deep...

Uh, I don't know if it's a good time.

Everyone knows what happens to teenagers

who try to make love when there's a killer on the loose.

Brad's right about one thing, guys.

Okay, Ghostface is back. We need to arm up.

Pepper spray, check.

Taser, check. (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

(POP) Butt plug,

double check. (SQUELCHES)

BRAD: Goddamn!

You just carry that thing around?

It's easy to hide.

In your butt. (SIGHS)

I'm impressed.

What's up, y'all? I'm back!

(GIGGLES)

Shit, son!

Hey, what's up, Unc? "Unc"?

I'm tired of you little Gen Z Alpha niggas

using terms like "unc" and "auntie".

Gaslighting and glazing and glamping,

trying to make my generation sound old.

I ain't your damn unc, nigga!

Shorty, you're our mother's brother, so, yeah,

technically, you are our uncle.

Oh. (GIGGLES) My bad. (CACKLES)

Crazy that they let you teach here.

Teach? Nah, nigga.

I attend.

You looking at a proud 25th-year senior. (GIGGLES)

When are you finally gonna graduate?

By the time we do a sequel

and I got to follow you little young niggas

to college to get my check.

Wait, guys. Tuesday's awake!

All right! Tuesday! Who the fuck is Tuesday?

Hey, we gotta go to the hospital.

You gonna take the bus home? No. The PJ.

Private jet?

Yeah. Jealous?

Man, you smoke weed all day.

Just play video games, you live-stream.

You literally got money doing nothing.

Exactly. I leave the hard work for the old heads.

(GIGGLES) Shit, son!

(GIGGLES)

Still the same Shorty. Aight. (CHUCKLES)

Check my crypto, nigga. (PHONE CHIMES)

Aw, shit, I'm up three million dollars!

(CACKLES) (PHONE BLEEPS)

Damn, now I'm down five million.

This shit crazy, son.

(ENGINE PUTTERING)

(ENGINE CUTS)

(MUFFLED SINGING AND CLAPPING)

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ This little light of mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

Ray!

Sister Brenda, it's okay.

You heard the call of sin, yes, you did.

But the Lord has called on us

to show men such like you the way.

Come on, son! Come with us.

Come on us.

God see you coming. So don't cheat that come.

We need you to come like you never came before.

Come for the Father, come for the Son.

I'ma hold your hand and we gonna come together.

PARISHONER: God is good, man! PARISHONER 2: Yes, sir.

PARISHONER 3: Thank you, Jesus.

Amen.

PARISHONER 4: Hallelujah.

(WHISPERING) There you go.

In the name of God, let it go, Ray! Let it go!

Nigga! (POPS)

Oh, my bad.

Last time.

(HUFFS)

(PASTOR CLEARS THROAT)

Let's welcome a new member to our congre-gay-tion.

(SCATTERED PRAISE) Let the people know

how you feel, brother. There you go.

(SCATTERED CHATTER)

I'm not gay no more.

(CHEERING) Hallelujah!

PARISHONER 5: Yes, sir!

I'm not gay no more!

PARISHONER 6: Praise the lord!

I'm not gay no more!

He not gay no more.

RAY: I've been delivered!

I'll no longer date a mans!

Even if he's sexy as hell

with a big old chesteses and perky areolas!

Oh, yeah, you still got a secret.

I'll no longer carry a purse, put on makeup,

walk around in high heels.

What?

Red bottoms. The one with the cute little buckle

on the side. Those is my shoes.

I'll no longer go on Grindr and swipe right

at Black mens... Hmm?

...white mens, Asian mens.

You been on Grindr? I'll no longer take trips

to the Philippines looking for ladyboys.

To Phuket. Ko Samui. Back to Phuket.

Then to Vietnam to see if I can get them any cheaper.

I thought that was for our anniversary, Ray.

Oh, this nigga got a lot of miles.

I'll no longer stand butt naked in a mirror

with my penis tucked between my legs...

(ALL GASP) ...dancing like the dude from Silence of the Lambs.

(AS BUFFALO BILL) "It puts the lotion in the basket, Precious."

I'm a changed man! I've been delivered!

Shit. I will!

I said I will!

I will love a woman! (SCATTERED PRAISE)

(EXCLAIMS)

RAY: Womans, womans, womans!

You can take that "W-O" off.

Womans, womans, womans!

Mens-es, mens-es, mens-es.

Womans-- (BABBLES)

(BABBLES)

No, no. No, no, Ray. No, no.

(MOANING)

(BABBLING)

(MUMBLING)

(HIGH-PITCHED BABBLING)

Gulp, gulp, gulp.

Whoa, nigga.

Hawk tuah, hawk tuah, hawk tuah!

You hocking on it?

("TWERK FOR JESUS" BY NOVA VYBE PLAYS) I've been delivered!

♪ Work, work, working it For Jesus ♪

♪ No, the devilry is gonna Stay beneath us ♪

♪ The good praise really bumping Out your speakers ♪

♪ I'ma dance 'cause His glory Make me feel some type of way ♪

♪ So we be Twerk, twerk, twerkin' it ♪

♪ For Jesus ♪ I've been delivered!

♪ No, the devilry is gonna Stay beneath us ♪

♪ Who make it happen? ♪

♪ That's Jesus ♪

♪ Who have us clapping? That's Jesus ♪

♪ And the devil can't ever Come between us ♪

♪ We out here clap, clap Clapping it for Jesus ♪

(SING-SONGY) Tuesday, Tuesday.

(GRUNTING) SARA: Oh, my God.

Her face. All contorted.

Oh, my God, and the moaning.

(GROANS, SHUSHES)

(GRUNTS, SIGHS)

I've been trying to get that out for an hour. (SIGHS)

How you feeling, Tues?

Hey, what are they giving you for the pain? Is that--

Is that morphine or...? (TUESDAY GRUNTS)

Bitch. Let's see.

(SARA GROANS)

Oh, yeah!

Oh, this that good, good.

This that Britney Spears shit.

Makes me want to get half-naked,

dance around and juggle some knives.

Sara, who's that Jeffrey Dahmer look-a-like?

Oh. This is my boyfriend, Jack.

Really nice to meet you.

Looks like Ted Bundy to me.

But that ain't none of my business.

Mm-hmm. Mm!

This little stabbed-up bitch here needs some rest.

So y'all get the fuck out!

Yes, ma'am.

(GRUNTS) Oh, not you, Sara. (DOOR SHUTS)

(SLURRING) Why? What did I do?

I'm so scared.

(SIGHS) Oh, Tues, you should be.

You've been stabbed nine times.

And the killer knows where you live.

I would invite you to come stay at my place, but

I don't really want that kind of juju in my house.

(SIGHS) For all we know,

he's standing right outside that door.

(SMOOCHES, CHUCKLES)

That's comforting, Sara.

I thought I was gonna die.

I know, me too!

I planned your funeral. (GASPS)

What the hell? And I wrote your obituary.

More like ChatGPT wrote it.

But you're still here.

And I will never let anyone hurt you.

Oh, yum! Ice chips!

(SCREAMING) Oh, God!

(PAINED SHOUT) Get off me! (SUSTAINED BEEP)

(PAINED GROANING)

Help!

This white girl can't die on my shift!

I'm a DEI hire!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! She was fine a second ago.

No! No, I'm good! I'm good! Clear!

(GRUNTS) Again!

Come on, white bitch, I need this job! Clear!

It's not working! Clear!

We're losing her. (GRUNTS)

Harder!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS) (GASPS)

(SUSTAINED BEEP) Oh, boy.

Look like there ain't nothing left

but thoughts, prayers and pork rinds.

Dear Lord.

Nurse Ratchett, check out the wire!

The Wire was the shit, baby. That's my show.

Drugs and that Idris Elba

make this coochie want to pop, pop, pop!

Dear Lord, please

accept this white bitch's-- (MONITOR BEEPS)

(GASPS) Oh!

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

I'm going on break.

Oh, Tues.

I will never let anyone

hurt you again. Mm-mm.

(BUZZES) (SCREAMS)

Ooh! My bad.

(TUESDAY RASPING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

GHOSTFACE: Hello, Sara.

Who is this?

GHOSTFACE: Someone who knows your little secret.

No, no, I swear that wasn't a Nazi salute!

Okay? I won Prom Queen

and I was-- I was throwing my heart to the crowd!

GHOSTFACE: No, I'm talking about your family secret.

(GASPS)

Oh, you're the fuck who hurt my sister.

GHOSTFACE: Well, I had to get you to come back here.

Listen, if you want to fuck with me, asshole,

then come and get me!

GHOSTFACE: With pleasure.

(SCREAMS)

(SARA SCREAMS) (AGONIZED WAIL)

(GRUNTS) Help!

Somebody help! (GRUNTS)

Please, somebody help!

Bitch!

This the break room.

WOMAN: Mm-hmm.

We on break.

Oh, God. MAN: Preach.

(GRUNTS)

Take that!

(GRUNTS) GHOSTFACE: Oof!

(GRUNTS)

Please, save me!

I've been saving people all day!

So you handle yours.

I'll be right over here

eating my falafel and my pork rinds.

I look like your mama? (WHIMPERS)

Try me now! GHOSTFACE: Break's over.

(GHOSTFACE GRUNTS)

You're welcome.

It really looks like you got hit with something hard. Like metal.

I told you, I fell.

Now where exactly are we going? (SIGHS) To talk to an expert.

MAN: Go away!

I'm so sorry to bother you. We just--

We just want to ask you a few questions.

(THUDS) Give me one good reason

why I should talk to you.

I'm white.

How white? Oh, I'm talking

Candace Owens white.

Oh. Six feet.

When you said expert, I assumed you meant

more like Neil deGrasse Tyson or--

Shut up. (MOANS)

I'm Sara Campbell.

I was attacked last night. I think you should leave.

I don't want to get stabbed. And I don't want Covid, okay?

Please, come on. Just-- Let's go.

Just two minutes, that's all I'm asking.

No. No.

I'll give you eight minutes.

And another thing.

(BOTH GASP) I got to test you for Covid.

(SWABS SQUEAKING) (BOTH GROANING)

Ohh!

Ahh...

You guys are good.

When did the work week become the "woke week"?

We've got Black Friday. What's next, Mulatto Monday?

I mean, Yellow Thursday? (DOOR CREAKS)

GAIL ON TV: Tan Tuesday? Come on.

(TV CLICKS)

Let me get this out of your way.

SARA: Oh! Sorry.

(TIMER DINGS) Oh!

Covid tests are done.

Yup! You're good.

(BOTH SIGHING)

You're Cindy's daughter, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know him. This is Jack. My love interest.

No! No, no, no.

Rule Number One of surviving a horror movie is,

"Never trust the love interest."

Look at him!

He's got that weird lazy eye, poking one way

and then he's drooling like a psychopath.

He's got that stump leg.

Makes him all walk weird and creepy.

I don't have a stump. Well, that guy does.

Oh I'm looking at me.

Special Officer Doofy. Retired.

Listen, Doofy, we could really use your help.

No. I can't go back to that life.

Plus, we're in the middle of a global pandemic!

Okay, I hate to break it to you,

but Covid has been over for, like, years.

Hmm. Really?

JACK: Yeah. SARA: Yeah.

Damn it!

What am I gonna do with all this canned meat?

DOOFY: Get out! I don't want Ghostface to find me.

And don't come back!

(IMITATING POLICE SIREN)

It's the sound of the police.

(IMITATING SIREN)

Special Officer Doofy, reporting for duty.

Okay, just because he showered doesn't mean that--

No, I didn't shower.

I just take water from my mouth and--

You want some? Okay. No, that's okay.

Come on, Doofy. Yeah, let's do it.

DEI: Sara, is your ghetto-ass mom coming

or can we start talking about this plot?

Uh... (DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR SLAMS)

Hi.

You came.

Not in, like, 15 years, honey.

But I did buy this new rose,

so fingers crossed. (CHUCKLES) (PILL BOTTLE POPS)

(SIGHS)

CINDY: Oh.

Oh!

Oh, my old friend!

You taught me how to dance.

How to make a high N-word pie.

Nigga, I'm right in back of you.

Shorty!

What's up, Cindy?

How you doing? My nigga.

BOTH: (GIGGLE) Shit, son!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I can't believe you thought I was dead.

Well, between cancer from the weed smoke

your love of the McRib and racist cops,

I didn't think you had a chance.

Yeah, that's a terrible combination.

Hi, Cin. Stop smiling at me!

(CINDY GRUNTS)

(ALL GASPING)

Shit! WorldStar!

WorldStar! WorldStar!

Hey, he's intellectually disabled!

That's just how he looks, you drunk honky.

SHORTY: Hey, hey, hey!

Don't call that white bitch a honky.

C'mon, have some respect.

I keep seeing people smiling everywhere.

I'm not very likable,

so it must be some kind of curse.

Hey, everybody! (WHISPERING) She's high.

Look what I got.

Non-branded gelatin shots

made with grain alcohol and GHB.

So ain't nobody sipping nothing

they didn't consent to like last time,

which I apologize. Mm-hmm.

Take one. I love roofying myself.

(LAUGHS)

No, Ma. No, Mama. You sure, baby?

Hi, Brenda.

Please do not call me by my government name.

Call me Ma. (GASPS)

Cindy!

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

You dropped the tray.

Oh, my God, Cindy,

I haven't seen you in forever! (GASPS)

My God, look at you! You look the same!

Minus the crow's feet.

And your hair is so dry.

Oh, and your titties dropped so far.

Other than that, you look the exact same.

What have you been up to?

Oh, you know, neglecting my children

so I can prepare to kill Ghostface should he ever return.

What about you? (SLURPS)

Well, I been mostly just getting high school kids drunk

in a desperate attempt to stay young

and keep my kids at home.

I always knew you'd be a great mom.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, Cindy!

Should we hug? Oh, I really want to,

but I'm a Republican now so I'm supposed to be racist.

Oh, girl, I think all white people are racist anyway.

Come here. Okay.

Mm! Oh!

You want a shot? Yeah? Here. Oh, yes, yes, please.

You know, Ma, this place could be so cool

if you had, like, a-a beer pong table over there,

and maybe, like, a snack wall.

What you know about cool? When I was your age,

I was popping bottles with Puffy, Puff Daddy,

P. Diddy, Diddy.

All the Seans. (GIGGLES)

(SCOFFS) That didn't age well. Your momma was the freak

in the freak-offs.

(GIGGLES) Shit, son! (SMACKS)

You want to see something cool?

I'ma show you something cool. (MUMBLING)

(DRAWERS SCRAPING)

(GUN COCKS) (ALL EXCLAIMING)

God, that's cool.

What are you doing?

What?

No, not like that.

Like this. (ALL GASP)

(WHIMPERING) BRENDA: Oh, yeah.

I don't know why y'all acting so scared.

The gun ain't even loaded.

(GRUNTS) Shit!

Oh, shit, son!

Uh-oh. I did it again.

(GIGGLES)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I always forget that last one in the chamber.

Help me move this body.

Yeah, you got it.

That was fun.

BRENDA: Oh, so, what are you doing

after this? CINDY: I want to go to Cabo.

BRENDA: Oh, I love Cabo!

You know what?

I used to put cocaine up my hoo-hah and travel there all the time.

Well, that's because you're so smart. Yeah. (GRUNTS)

(CINDY SIGHS)

Oh.

All right. Let's get back to the plot.

I'm looking at you, Ted Bundy eyes.

Looking like a school shooter.

I think you the killer.

JACK: Oh, me? DEI: Mm-hmm.

Okay, what about Deputy Doofy over there?

I-I don't have a motive. You know, what's my motive?

You were the killer in the first movie.

Shouldn't you be locked up? No, I got pardoned.

Mostly because of the storming the Capitol, you know.

Oh. I got proof.

This is me. And it's framed. JESS: Oh.

That's a cool hat.

What about Jess?

What about me?

If anybody here has issues

that could lead to murder... (JESS SCOFFS)

Okay, I get it!

Trans-shaming is not cool, okay?

They-- He's just a dude. Yeah.

Minus the upper body strength and the dick part.

Hey, you don't know what I got down here, okay?

I do. Hey, hey.

Listen, what we know so far

is everyone who's been attacked

is related to the original characters.

He wants to kill the kids.

Aha! He's making a rebootequel.

A what now? DEI: Yeah. It's like,

a reboot and a sequel.

Mixes legacy characters with new characters

in an attempt to feed into bullshit nostalgia

and bring more fans to the theaters.

Just like last year's I Know What You Did Last Summer.

(DOOR SHUTS)

That's a movie? What did I do last summer?

I think you're talking about The Summer I Turned Pretty.

Yeah. BRENDA: Ray,

when did you get here? Oh, I been here.

I was just hanging out by the men's room. (PHONE LOCKS, BUZZES)

Oh. My room?

DEI: Okay, so that means

that our killer is writing his own version of Horror Movie.

Okay, so according to the re-booty-call rules,

who's the killer?

(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)

I think it's pretty obvious.

Who?

You, bitch. Me?

Guys, I am not the killer.

Ghostface attacked Tues to lure me back here.

I think he attacked Tuesday to get you back here

so he could get me back here.

He wants to kill the OGs.

That was a flex.

Yeah, that sounds better.

Aw, fuck this!

And fuck you, Mother! (SHORTY GASPS)

To your mother?

Hey! Don't be so disrespectful!

And call me Mom!

Or Mommy.

Or whatever's more comfortable.

DISPATCH: All units, be advised:

Suspect is still at large.

Black cloak, white mask...

(SIGHS) ...big-ass knife.

(SNIFFS)

(DISPATCH CHATTERS FAINTLY)

(BABY WAILS DISTANTLY)

(BABY CRYING) (SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS, CHIMES)

Talk to me. GHOSTFACE: Hello, Sheriff.

Agent Underwood?

GHOSTFACE: I'll give you one hint.

What's your favorite scary movie?

Well, I'm gonna go with Saltburn.

I mean, the member on that English guy was terrifying.

Ken Jeong's junk in The Hangover was a much better depiction

of the male anatomy.

Now what do you want, fuckface?

GHOSTFACE: Well, I'm just calling to tell you

that by the time you get home,

I'll have gutted your baby girl!

Hey, asshole, she's a boy!

(SIREN WAILS)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

Jess!

(GROANS)

(HEARTBEAT THUMPING)

(DISTANT SIRENS)

(BIRDS TWEETING)

GHOSTFACE: Looking for this?

Let me help you.

I got your baby dick. Winky, winky, winky.

(PHONE RINGING)

All right. (CLEARS THROAT) Here we go.

What do you want, fuckface?

GHOSTFACE: Well, like father, like, uh, son?

Uh--

I understand you're home alone. (PLATE CLINKS)

Well, Dad's out, but the pool guy, the gardener

and the plumber are all here, asshole.

GHOSTFACE: Look out your window.

(WHISTLE BLOWS) (MEN YELLING)

(SIREN WHOOPING) ICE!

No! But they're the backbone of the American workforce!

(WHIMPERS) And I'm too white to do those jobs.

GHOSTFACE: Let's cut to the chase.

I'll ask you one question.

If you answer correctly, you live.

Who was the killer in Horror Movie?

Oh, that's easy. It was Bobby and then Gay Ray

the guy who was totally into dudes,

even though he claimed he wasn't.

Classic 2000s homophobia.

But I got you, bitch.

GHOSTFACE: Wrong! You forgot Special Officer Doofy.

Now you die. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Bumbaclot!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

GHOSTFACE: You should probably answer that.

I can literally see you trying to steal my package.

(PACKAGE FIZZLES) GHOSTFACE: Oh, shit!

(GAGS)

Ah, that was easy.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

GHOSTFACE: Uh, someone order steaks?

It's GoPuff. Hmm.

(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)

Wait a sec. GHOSTFACE: Careful.

You wouldn't want to let in a killer.

You are about to identify as dead.

(GURGLES)

You...

stab like-- (CHOKES) a girl.

(THUDS)

(FAINT POLICE CHATTER) (DISTANT SIRENS)

Come on, girl, hit that Ghostface Shuffle.

Try the Ghostface Killah Collection Bundle.

This is Keke West for OnlyFans Rapid News.

"Rapid News". You mean "Vapid News".

You don't even have a cameraman!

(GASPS) My equipment! (EQUIPMENT CLATTERS)

Excuse me.

Oh, my. You're--

Yes, yes.

Three-time Emmy nominee

for Outstanding Achievement in Sensational Reporting.

I was gonna say the lady from Friends,

but shorter and with less Botox.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Is that what you were

"gonna say"? (LAUGHS) Yeah.

You seriously don't know who I am?

Babygirl, I am Gail-- DOOFY: Gail swallows!

Hey.

Hailstorm. Gail--

Get the hell out of my way! Oh.

(POLICE SIREN WHOOPS)

Doofus. Hey, Gail.

Wow. You haven't aged a day.

You've aged like a million days. That's this many. Five--

Your fingers smell like genitals.

What are you doing in that ridiculous uniform?

Uh, I-I'm back on the case. Yeah, I'm gonna bust Ghostface.

Well, um,

tell me, Special Needs Officer Doofy...

(DOOFY GROANS) Um.

Wow. Are there any suspects

in this tragic yet completely predictable incident?

I-I'm not allowed to say.

No, no, okay, no. Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

Not-- Yeah-- (MOANS)

(MUMBLES) You can tell me.

Um, ah, oh, my God. (CHUCKLES)

What the f-- (DOOFY CHUCKLES)

Hey!

Remember when you used to give blowjobs

for sensitive information?

I don't give blowjobs anymore, okay? Not since MeToo.

Okay. Sorry.

I give handjobs now, but the story better be good.

Okay, I'll do a handjob. Let's do it. Let's do it.

(INHALING SHARPLY)

What the--

I'm gonna get you. Uncle Ray-Ray's gonna get you!

Ray? You got my outfit,

you little critter.

Maybe weed shouldn't be legal.

(SCOFFS)

Fuck yeah, it should!

(GIGGLES)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(LAMP CLICKS) (SNEAKERS SQUEAK)

GHOSTFACE: Hello, Shorty.

You do know that smoking is bad for you.

Actually, weed ain't bad for you.

You got Vitamin T, C and H,

C, B and D.

GHOSTFACE: What's the matter, Shorty?

You look a little antsy.

Maybe because there's a masked serial killer

sipping tea in my den.

GHOSTFACE: Shorty, you're my nigga.

I mean, friend. Please, sit.

All right.

(SPOON SCRAPING)

GHOSTFACE: Do you want to quit smoking?

Well, to be honest, I tried to quit.

But my mother said, "I ain't raisin' no quitters."

So I quit quitting.

GHOSTFACE: We could try hypnosis.

Bro, I don't care how many pocket watches

you try and wave in front of my face

it ain't gonna work, son. (CHUCKLES)

You can't magmetize me. GHOSTFACE: Sleep.

(SNORING) ("ROCKABYE BABY" PLAYS)

Shorty.

(SLURPS) Hmm?

What's up?

GHOSTFACE: Tell me about your mother.

(SOFT SCRAPING)

Damn, nigga.

Let's start with something light, like:

"Do you lick ass, yes or no?"

The answer's yes.

GHOSTFACE: So what happened to her, Shorty?

(SCRAPING)

She was coming home.

Her car was parked to the side of the road.

Someone was in it.

And something bad was happening.

(WOMAN MOANING) (MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

GHOSTFACE: Why didn't you call anyone?

I couldn't.

I had warrants.

GHOSTFACE: You were 11.

I started young, nigga.

GHOSTFACE: Oh.

What do you see?

I...

(WOMAN MOANING)

SHORTY: I see a big explosion of water.

It was like a Civil Rights hose.

Police said it was a murder/suicide.

She killed that man.

When they opened the car door, his limp body just slid out.

Like the green nigga in Shape of Water.

I just didn't want it to be real.

GHOSTFACE: What don't you want to be real?

That my mother was a squirter!

(CRYING) Okay! She was a squirter.

All the floors in her bedroom was warped.

I can't move. GHOSTFACE: You're paralyzed.

Now... (SCRAPING)

...sink into the chair. Wait, no.

Wait. GHOSTFACE: Sink!

(ECHOING CLANG)

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

Nigga!

(INAUDIBLE)

SHORTY: (ECHOING) I'm in a K-hole, son!

GHOSTFACE: No, you're in a K-pop hole.

(BUZZING, WARBLING)

♪ I smoked a bowl ♪

♪ Now I'm so stoned ♪

♪ Jeongmal nop-eun Got me speaking in Korean ♪

-Oh, shit, son! -♪ I got so high ♪

♪ I was out of my mind ♪

-♪ I can't feel my own face ♪ -Nigga, I'm numb.

♪ Was a problem child ♪

-♪ Smokin' Black and Milds ♪ -That's what they do in the hood.

♪ Now I'm 'bout to get laid ♪

♪ Y'all are 'bout To get sprayed ♪

-♪ Now I'm flying Time for dining ♪ -(SQUEALING)

♪ 'Cuz I got the munchies ♪

Luke Skywalker!

♪ Don't need a reason ♪

♪ To bang these demons ♪

♪ Now it burns when I pee ♪

-♪ We going up, up, up ♪ -(SCREAMS)

♪ N****, we smokin' ♪

♪ We about to be tokin' ♪

♪ Gonna be, gonna be smokin' Ohh ♪

♪ Up, up, up, n**** We smokin' ♪

♪ N**** we gonna be tokin' ♪

♪ Gonna be, gonna be smokin' ♪

(SHORTY COUGHS, CHOKES)

That's some good shit, son.

(GASPS, PANTS)

That dream was wild.

I must've been Elon Musk high.

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

(IN KOREAN) Ahh shit, son!

(CHUCKLES)

(SQUEALS)

CINDY: Tuesday?

Tuesday?

Bobby?

Bobby, what the...?

She's gonna die.

Our daughter, Sara?

You're probably right.

She's tough, but let's see her get stabbed in the gut.

I'm gonna die.

Bobby, you're already dead.

This hallucination is a manifestation

of my own guilt for being an awful mom.

Or it could be the shrooms I just popped.

You're gonna die.

Bitch, you ain't killing me.

(SNARLS) (GRUNTS)

(PANTS, GAGS) (CLATTER)

You're gonna die.

Stop smiling!

I can't. Botox.

MAN: Hey! Oh.

This is the mental ward. Everyone smiles in here.

What?

How-- Um--

Could you point me in the direction of the ICU?

Is it that way or that way?

Uh, visiting hours are over.

Oh, yes, of course. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

GAIL ON TV: The network wants me to clarify

that Black Friday has nothing to do with race.

Well, just tell that to my Black friend Benita

who's probably clocking someone

over the head at Target as we speak!

Right, Benita?

(SQUEAK)

Shamone!

Man, you ain't Michael.

Michael got that Jheri curl.

What is that, son? Is that shellac?

See, people think it's shellac, but it's actually Sharpie.

Boy, your hair looks like fondue.

Indoo-dy.

Michael's got a monkey. I got a llama.

(BLEATS)

Fuck Michael!

You can't dance, boy. I've been practicing.

Oh! Whoa!

Jeez. (WHOOPING)

(CRASHING)

Yeah! (GRUNTING)

Bong! Ow! (GROANS)

I can moonwalk. Ooh, ooh.

Ooh.

Where is this nigga goin'?

(BABBLING) (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

Ow! (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING) Whoo!

NARRATOR: "Jermaine".

(FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES)

Coming Juneteenth, only on Tubi.

(MUSIC STOPS) I'ma bootleg that shit.

(DOOR CLOSES DISTANTLY)

Hello?

Fuck this.

I'm gonna miss you all.

Oh, hell no!

Think Black, don't die. Think Black, don't die.

(GRUNTS) Oh!

Goddamn it! Jack?

Did Sara tell you to come? Um...

Yeah! That's why I'm here.

Not to murder you or anything like that.

Then why are you wearing gloves?

Would you believe I...

am thinking about dressing up as O.J. Simpson for Halloween?

But those fit.

Look out!

Not cool, bro, you almost hit a vein.

I-I mean-- Help!

(GHOSTFACE GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

JACK: (WHIMPERS) Oh, yes!

(GRUNTS) (PHONE CLANGS)

(GHOSTFACE GRUNTS)

Oh...

(MOANS) (HISSING)

(COUGHS, WHEEZES)

GHOSTFACE: Whew. (COUGHS) I'm gonna gut you like a pig!

(SNICKERS)

(ECHOING) I'm gonna... (TUESDAY GIGGLES)

I'm gonna... (LAUGHING)

(ECHOING) What a stupid line.

(BOTH CACKLING)

GHOSTFACE: That is so true!

What are you gonna do? Turn me into bacon?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(IMITATES GNAWING)

(BOTH CACKLING)

GHOSTFACE: I got to get better writers.

I'm laughing so hard, my ribs hurt.

GHOSTFACE: Wait until I stick my knife in them!

(DISTORTED LAUGHTER)

(GHOSTFACE BABBLES) (DISTORTED LAUGHING)

GHOSTFACE: I'm crying over here.

I got to go

before you really kill me. (BREATHLESS) Here I come.

Oh, God, I might die laughing first!

(CACKLES)

Oh. Oh, shit. He's really gonna kill me.

(TUESDAY STRAINING)

(WHEELS SQUEAKING)

I want what they're on.

(GRUNTS)

GHOSTFACE: I'm gonna turn you into bacon, little piggy.

(SCREAMS)

(TUESDAY WHIMPERING, SOBBING)

No, no.

No. (ELEVATOR DINGS)

I'm sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm so sorry. Out of our way!

Step aside. Official police business.

Doofy!

(CROWD GROANS) I like doing that.

Ooh!

Smile, you son of a bitch.

GHOSTFACE: What the f...? My psycho mother said

always keep a strap.

Go! Go! Okay.

I'm gonna go get your love interest.

I'll get your love interest. (TUESDAY MOANING)

Ow, the pain, the agony.

Sara, if I don't make it...

Seriously, Tues, stop trying to win an Oscar.

It's a horror movie, it'll never happen.

Just ask Demi Moore. (ELEVATOR DINGS)

(GROANS) No! No!

(TUESDAY WHIMPERING) I got him. I got Jack.

(JACK SIGHS)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING) Doofy! What the fuck?

The fuck? I can't help myself.

It's just me and you now, Ghosty.

Hm.

You got to shoot them in the head.

(WHISPERING) Shoot them in the head.

(GHOSTFACE GRUNTS) Oof. Ow.

GHOSTFACE: Die! (WAILS)

GHOSTFACE: Die, you little dumb dunce.

Smell...

my...

finger.

GHOSTFACE: Oh, God!

What the fuck was that? Ugh.

My ass.

GHOSTFACE: Fuck your ass! Pause.

(GASPS, GRUNTS) (STRAINS)

DOOFY: Oh, God, that's-- that's my ass.

Oh, God. (GROANS) GHOSTFACE: Any last words?

I go poopy.

(FARTS LOUDLY)

(DOOR CLICKS, CREAKS OPEN)

(GASPS)

Oh, hell no. I ain't cleaning up that shit!

I'm on break.

GHOSTFACE: Come on, I do the killing, not the cleaning. Ugh.

What you say? Never mind.

(AIRHORN) Yo, what's up, chat?

This your boy Shorty.

That's right, it's another Halloween-a-thon.

And it's another day of me getting paid mad money

for doing absolutely nothing

while you stupid motherfuckers watch.

(ALL CACKLING) And they call me dumb!

I want to give a smooth shout-out to my sponsor:

Angry Orchard Hard Cider.

(CRACKS CAN) (SLURP)

They got mad apples, son.

(YELLING, LAUGHING)

We created a slogan! I'm a marketing genius!

Aight. It wouldn't be a Halloween-a-thon

without a dope guest.

He's a legend in the streaming game.

Give it up for Kai Cenat!

We gonna break the internet! (CHEERING)

ALL: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

(CHEERING, LAUGHING)

Let's get serious.

What brings you to the chat?

You promised I was gonna be in the movie.

I've been calling you. You ghosted me.

Bro, I thought that was one of my crazy-ass baby mamas.

That's-- That's my bad.

And speaking of ghosted-- (SCOFFS)

Somebody wants to talk to you.

(MOUTHING) Hello?

GHOSTFACE: What's your favorite scary movie?

(ALL HOLLERING)

(LAUGHS) Nah! Oh!

Oh, whoa, whoa! Ah!

(ALL CHEERING)

(EXCITED CHATTER)

We breaking the internet, son!

What's up, my guy?

GHOSTFACE: You got some Angry Orchard

Hard Cider in the house? You damn right.

GHOSTFACE: They got mad apples.

ALL: Oh!

Wassup?

Wassup?

(ALL YELLING EXCITEDLY)

We about to do my favorite thing:

Spin the... wheel! (CHEERING)

GROUP: Extreme Noodle Game!

We gonna go back there with these noodles

and we gonna smack

the fuck out you! (CHUCKLES)

Then you gotta guess who did it.

GHOSTFACE: That doesn't even make sense.

(GROUP CHANTING)

GHOSTFACE: This is a dumb game.

(CHEERING) GHOSTFACE: Oh!

Uh...

Kai. Kai. Man, what?

Yeah. (MEN CACKLING)

(GROUP CHANTING)

(GHOSTFACE GRUNTS)

(METALLIC SCRAPE)

Wait-- No, no, no-- (ALL YELL)

(GHOSTFACE CHANTING)

You just killed Kai Cenat. On the chat.

(FIREWORKS BURSTING)

We making history, son!

(ALL CHEERING)

(SINGING) Money, money, money!

(DISTANT SIRENS WAILING)

Oh, thank God.

(SIRENS STOP)

MAN: It's about time you guys got here!

Now you're gonna get it.

(COPS GRUNT) Oof!

(COPS GRUNTING)

COP: Hold still! (BLOWS LAND)

So that's our suspect. (BEATING CONTINUES, MUFFLED)

Goes by the name "Shorthand". Hmm.

Was the handyman at a house reputed to be haunted in 2001.

Is there anything you're not telling me?

That your wife hates you

you believe the Earth is flat

and you voted for Trump three times.

(STAMMERS) What, I was supposed to vote for the woman?

Huh?

I believe Shorthand is the notorious Ghostface.

(BEATING, SHOUTING CONTINUES, MUFFLED)

What that mouth do?

Stop resisting! (COP GRUNTS)

He did look pretty sketchy. (BLOWS LANDING)

(BEATING CONTINUES)

(GROANING) (THUDS)

They got the wrong guy. (BEATING CONTINUES)

And you know that because you're psychic?

No, says so on the arrest warrant.

I don't know. (BEATING CONTINUES)

That guy's Black. Nah, he's kinda...

not that Black.

(COP SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) Like gravy brown.

(GRUNTS) Ugh!

Get him!

Hit him with your strong hand! (BEATING CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS) Boom!

Arrest him anyways. Probably did something, right?

Turn off your body cams!

Miss Hailstorm, welcome back.

Doc, I'm begging you. You got to help me look younger.

These little bitches are killing me out there.

They're wearing nothing but a--

a sausage casing and a ring light.

Trust me with this withered, decrepit, age-ravaged body,

and I will make you whole.

One Middle-Aged White Lady Special

coming right up. Thanks.

I'm gonna play a quick video

on the ins and outs of the procedure,

and then we'll get started. (CHUCKLES)

(HEAVY ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: Do you wish you weren't so old and saggy?

Do you wish you were younger? Sexier?

Fuckable again?

One single injection unlocks your DNA,

creating a new, better you.

This is The Stuff.

(MUSIC BLARES, CUTS)

Doc, this isn't that Gwyneth Paltrow crap

that makes you smell like her vag, is it?

("BRAND NEW" BY ALIYA'S INTERLUDE PLAYS)

I like it.

(YELPS)

(PAINED SHOUT)

♪ I feel... ♪

(LIPS POP) ♪ Brand fucking new ♪

♪ New ♪

♪ New ♪

♪ Brand fucking new ♪

Wow, that's a lot of Stuff.

Oh, a mask on a mask.

Safety first, right, Doc?

(PAINED SHOUT, GASPS)

(WHIMPERS) Oh, no!

(GASPS)

I'm having second thoughts!

I'm gonna love and accept myself as I am.

(SCREAMS)

("BRAND NEW" CONTINUES)

(GASPS, GRUNTS) ♪ I feel ♪

♪ Brand fucking new ♪ (GRUNTS)

(AGONIZED GROANING)

(WHIMPERING, GROANING)

(BURBLING)

(LOW GURGLING)

(PAINED GROAN)

(DISTANT ECHOING SCREAM)

(REVERBERATING TONES)

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING) (MUFFLED BREATHING)

Oops. Wrong movie.

(GIGGLES)

You were thinking it. GHOSTFACE: But you said it.

White Chicks 2, my ass.

("BRAND NEW" CONTINUES) ♪ I feel ♪

♪ Brand fucking new ♪ (NEEDLE CLATTERS)

♪ New ♪ (SNEAKERS SQUEAKING)

♪ I feel brand fucking new ♪

CINDY: Hey, Sara.

(SIGHS) Tuesday, I--

I tried to visit you.

I am sorry for everything.

Especially your name.

It was Taco Tuesday. I was super drunk.

But I promise you, I will kill this motherfucker!

It's fine, really, we're cool. JACK: I'm gonna--

I'll pull the car around. We're good.

I'm going to take you to the car!

I got stabbed. I'm not deaf, you dumbass!

I'm taking Tues away from all of this!

Oh... Come on, Cindy.

I tried to run, too, but...

it follows!

Now you're probably expecting a flashback to that movie,

but it's too obscure. Yeah, and the plot is weird.

You have sex with someone, give them a STD

and then it haunts them in the form

of their naked grandma.

It's like a STD biopic.

Ugh, the killer is taunting me.

Why doesn't he just kill us?

Uh, speak for yourself.

Like, what are you waiting for?

Oh, no, no, no, sweetie, sweetie. It's like this.

What are you waiting for, huh?

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

God, I wish you weren't my mother!

What are you waiting for?

(GROANS)

SHORTY: Candyman.

Candyman.

Candyman.

You sure about this? FRIEND: Yeah, keep saying it.

Candyman.

Candyman! (GASPS) (BOOM)

(THUNDER RUMBLING) (SHORTY YELPS, WHIMPERS)

(THUNDER ROLLING) (ELECTRICITY BUZZES SOFTLY)

(WHIMPERS)

So what's up? You got that candy, man?

I got weed gummies. SHORTY: Yeah.

K-nuts. SHORTY: Yeah.

Shroom chocolates. SHORTY: (GIGGLES) Shit, son!

And what take you so long to show up?

Come on, Clarence. I called you five times.

Nigga, show up in three.

You ain't even call me on the phone.

Luckily I was walking by

and heard y'all through the hole in this wall.

And fix that shit. You shut your ass up.

You need to go to a proctologist and get your skin looked at.

Having acne over the age of 40 is wild work.

I look better than this nigga. Maybe on this side.

Hey, ain't no time for beefing. We about to be high as fuck.

We gonna party, son! (CACKLES, SCREAMS)

("WORK" BY JAKOB CAMPBELL PLAYS)

♪ Coming in hot they better watch it... ♪ Happy Halloween, y'all.

Watch out for Ghostface. ♪ If they come for my spot... ♪

That's right. Drink up! GIRL: Hey!

Hey! I love it. Look at that.

You're looking good.

You seen your sister?

♪ You always better ♪ (SIGHS)

♪ When you at the top but I had... ♪ BRENDA: Ray, you seen Dei?

I-I can't find her since she went to that protest.

No. (SIGHS)

Ray, let me guess. You are Woody from Toy Story!

Nah, Brenda, that's gay. Oh.

Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback Mountain.

"I wish I knew how to quit you, but I can't."

You love that movie!

Hey, Brenda! Huh?

(STAMMERS) Have you seen my big old bag of candy?

It had chocolates, gummies, lollipops.

I-It's gone missing.

No, no, no, it's not missing.

I passed it out to the trick-or-treaters.

Brenda, that's my stash! (GASPS)

(DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHILD LAUGHS)

(ECHOING) I'm so fucking high!

Whoo-hoo!

(ECHOING) I can't feel my face!

(ECHOING) I'm on that Naruto shit!

(ECHOING) Six-seven! Six-seven!

(ENGINE REVS, HORN HONKS) (SCREAMS)

(ECHOING SCREAM)

(TRAIN RUMBLING)

(SOFT GASP)

(WHISPERING) Fuck.

(FAINT, ECHOING CHILD'S VOICE)

Why is she looking at me?

("STILL OUTSIDE" BY BIG BOSS VETTE PLAYS)

♪ Fucking with a boss, yeah It costs ya ♪

A little disturbing.

I'm here for it.

♪ Yeah It's all there ♪

♪ Bend it over Touch your paws, yeah ♪

♪ Make it talk, yeah ♪

Oh. Okay.

♪ Make that ass jump Uh-huh ♪

♪ Make that ass jump ♪ Hey, hey!

♪ You better ♪

♪ You better Make that ass jump ♪

♪ My nigga sleep so you know I'm outside tho ♪

♪ Jet skis ass out Crop top hoe-- ♪

Hey!

Do you know how many baby seals die from microplastics?

Shit.

GHOSTFACE: It's Ghostface!

(GASPS)

(STABBING) (GRUNTS, YELPS)

Oh, my God! He stabbed her!

Not "her". My pronouns are "they/them".

He stabbed "them"!

I'm over 40. How am I supposed to keep up with all of this?

GHOSTFACE: She's not wrong.

It's Karens like you

that keep the patriarchy going, with their knees on our necks!

Now you're playing the race card?

I've had enough of her shit. "Their" shit, bitch!

(YELPS)

And to be clear,

my real name is Karen! (STABBING)

GHOSTFACE: Oh, shit. This is too good.

Ignore the insults.

"They" don't realize we're here to help "them".

Toxic masculinity

and mansplaining doesn't help anybody!

How is my masculinity toxic?

I love women and sports.

Just not together. Come here, bitch.

(STABS) MAN: My turn!

MAN 2: Me next! MAN 3: They ain't ready for

this! (WHIMPERS)

MAN 4: Let me at them! Me next!

Fuck your pronouns. Oh, shit.

Suck knife. (GRUNTS)

(AGONIZED MOAN)

(THUDS)

GHOSTFACE: I blame the manosphere.

♪ Hit the bar Rock side-to-side ♪

♪ And lean in a bit ♪

♪ Shining like a star 'Cause every night... ♪

Uncle Shorty. What's up, nephew?

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, shoot.

It's about, y-you know

how to go down on a girl.

You talking about eating pussy?

That's so cringe, but yeah.

Well, maybe if you stop talking like a 14-year-old white girl

you could learn something.

All right, so listen up.

First thing you got to do, you got to--

You got to spread them legs. You got to open it up.

Then you want to use your fingers.

Sometimes you can use two. Two fingers, like that there.

Yeah?

Now, once you get it all in there, now...

you got to use your tongue.

You can't be afraid of it.

(MOANING, GRUNTING)

Yeah, lean into it.

Nah, nah, nah, you doing it too fast.

(GABBLES)

What are you, a lizard?

You got to be gentle. You got to talk to it.

"Hey there, little guy,

how you doing?" (SOFTLY) Hey there, little guy.

Boom! Just like rolling a blunt.

All you got to do, nephew...

(BREATHLESSLY) Is hit that shit.

Got it? Mm-hmm.

All right, now

if you want to learn to lick ass, ask your mama.

(ELLE MOANING) (LOUD KISSING)

ELLE: You feel so good.

(MOANING)

Oh, yeah.

Elle.

I want to try something.

I-I thought you said you'd never let me peg you.

What? No. (SCOFFS)

Relax.

I just want to taste you.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

(BELL TINKLES)

Dinner time. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah, come here, baby.

(MOANING) (BRAD MOANING)

Careful. My kitty is gangster. (SLAP)

Oh! (CHUCKLING) Oh...

It is gangster. Okay.

Slapped you so hard, you want some more. Yeah!

(GASPING)

(ELLE MOANS) (GRUNTS, GABBLES)

Oh!

You feel so much better than Darrel and them.

Choo-choo! (GRUNTING)

Get back in there!

Yeah! Lick it! (SLURPING)

(ROARING) Yeah! Lick it hard!

(GRUNTS)

(DEEP VOICE) Finish her.

(MOANING)

Oh, my God! (SLURPING, GABBLING)

(BOTH PANTING)

Just like rolling a blunt.

(ELLE MOANS)

Now all I got to do is hit it.

(SIZZLES) (SCREAMS)

Oh-- Oof!

Elle! (KNOCKING)

What the fuck?

Hey there. We heard tell of a Halloween party.

You did now, did you?

We're here to drink,

play bad music, do some half gay shit.

Why just half gay?

Can I help you?

If you just invite us in.

Why you need a invitation?

White folks show up to parties uninvited

all the time with their little nasty-ass casseroles.

Bland as shit. Y'all better start using some Lawry's.

Mm-hmm. And why she got them dirty-ass feet?

Look like you was walking around porn sets all day.

Got them trailer park toes.

(GIGGLES) Shit, son!

I think you're in the wrong place. Y'all Klan?

No. (CHUCKLES)

We believe in music and equality.

How about we show y'all?

It's okay, no. (GENTLE COUNTRY MUSIC)

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪ ♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪ ♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe apartment ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ In the sky ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ We're movin' on up ♪

They gentrified the Jeffersons?

Weezy's rolling around in her grave right now.

You can't do this to the Black National Anthem.

♪ We finally got A piece of the pie! ♪

(SIGHS) (PANTS)

BOTH: Boo! (YELPING)

Nigga, you suck! Boo your ass!

We worked hard on this! Take that bullshit out of here!

We ain't got time for that dumb shit!

Why won't ya just go to one of those frat parties

where they drink until they black out

and wake up with their booties hurting,

not knowing what someone in a cowboy hat did to them?

Yeah! What?

JACK: Okay.

Well, we will leave you guys alone.

But we're gonna walk real slow

just in case y'all change your minds.

(CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFS)

Change your minds yet? BOTH: No.

Not at all. Hell no.

How about now?

Fuck no! No!

Yes? Hell to the nah.

Definitely not! Keep walking!

RAY: Now git! SARA: Let's go.

TUESDAY: Sara, come on! White folks

is getting weird again. (BRENDA GROANS)

Guys, I think I saw an open window over here.

That window's closed.

Not for long.

(VOCALIZES "DEFYING GRAVITY" FROM "WICKED")

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Wicked.

Oh, God. Fucking idiots.

("BAD TO THE BONE" BY RUBY X PAPATINHO PLAYS)

♪ Bad, bad, bad to the bone ♪

♪ We can play But you can't take me home ♪

♪ Bad, bad shows off the... ♪

Hey! Tuesday! You came back!

Yeah, I left my inhaler.

Honestly, Tuesday, that inhaler is the worst plot device in movie history.

That's true, should've been a vape.

But we're here now, so let's make the most of it.

Now where them White Claws at?

(SHRIEKS, WHOOPS) (PHONE RINGING)

CINDY: Sara? Hello.

Get your sister and get out of there right now. Okay, hon?

I am a grown-ass woman, Mother.

I don't have to do anything you tell me to do.

That's the house where your psycho father

killed those people.

Someone wanted to get you there.

Which means...

someone wants to get me there.

Oh, my God, this isn't about you!

Why are you yelling?

Because the camera's so fucking far away!

Wait, hold on. Are you tracking my phone?

(IMITATES STATIC) You're breaking up.

Uh-- Yeah. (IMITATES STATIC)

(ENGINE REVS)

(ENGINE REVS) Happy Birthday!

(TIRES SQUEAL, ENGINE ROARS) Hey, that's my car!

What the fuck?

Elle!

I'm sorry!

I thought I was supposed to smoke it.

Oh, shit.

(WHIP CRACKS) (GRUNTS)

Seriously? With the 12 Years a Slave shit?

GHOSTFACE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see that movie, okay?

I just found this thing in the shed. Jesus.

Come on, bro!

That's even worse.

GHOSTFACE: (GROANS) I didn't mean it that way.

Some of my best victims are Black.

(SCOFFS) And another brother falls victim to gun violence.

Turns out race is still an issue.

GHOSTFACE: That's not fair!

You know, Black guys usually die first in horror movies.

(CAMERA CLICKS, WHIRS)

SHORTY: Damn!

This give whole new meaning to Dead By Daylight.

(GIGGLES) Yeah.

Oh. Get them, son. (GRUNTS)

Goofy ass out of here.

(GRUNTS)

(GIGGLES)

GHOSTFACE: Hello, Shorty.

Cuckoo! Get him, niggas!

(AIRHORN) (CACKLES)

Got your silly ass! You about to be high as fuck.

♪ Party ♪ ♪ Aw, yeah, aw, yeah ♪

♪ Ain't nobody standing... ♪

(COUGHS) Nigga!

(ECHOING) Ah, shit, son!

Bro, why you running backwards, son?

GHOSTFACE: I don't know. It's not me.

Something's wrong with this.

Nigga, your remote is upside-down!

You're fucking high, son. (GIGGLES)

GHOSTFACE: Game on, bitches! SHORTY: Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS)

(YELPS)

Oh! Wrong nigga.

(SARA WHIMPERING) GHOSTFACE: Black Lives Matter!

Not you, Shorty!

Oh, my-- I need you.

Whoa, what is going on? Oh, Jack!

Oh, thank God you're here! Where were you?

Ghostface was just here!

I was just outside getting some fresh air.

Stop!

One of you is the killer.

Elle...

why do you have blood on your hands?

(STAMMERS) I found Brad outside.

She's the killer!

I am not the killer, okay?

I'm not even sex positive. I'm a virgin.

(SCOFFS) No way.

You've banged, like, every dude in Woodsville.

Fuck you!

Whoa! (PANTS) (SCREAMS, GASPS)

The butt doesn't count.

Oh! (SCREAMING)

Shit, she shot Ashton!

Welcome to Act Three, bitches.

What?

What does that even mean?

It's when the shit goes down.

Oh.

I still don't really know what she means,

but I think we should run! Run!

(PARTYGOERS SCREAMING)

(GIRL SCREAMS)

Cindy!

(TEENS SCREAMING) Brenda.

Cindy, they in there shooting!

These kids are wild! (GUNSHOTS)

(ALL SCREAMING) I blame it on video games,

not the liquor or lack of parental supervision.

You're gonna need this. Oh.

Do you have one bigger in black?

Oh, wrong bag.

Here. Ooh.

Who are you, Joan Wick?

I would've said Ballerina, but nobody saw that shit.

Let's do this.

(SIGHING) Okay.

(ELLE WAILS)

Help! He stabbed me!

I'm definitely not faking it. Please, help!

What do you think?

I think Drake lost to Kendrick.

I still like Drake, but what was up with that lawsuit?

That's such a bitch-ass move.

About this situation.

Oh, that? That's definitely a trap.

She don't know we already been here, done that.

(SQUELCH) (GASPS)

Brenda! (MOANS)

Brenda! (GASPS)

Cindy! It hurts! (GUNSHOTS)

Am I gonna make it? I doubt it.

Oh, God, Cindy. Oh, God.

Bitch, I'm not dead yet!

Oh. My bad. I'm sorry.

Now you go back in there and finish it.

For me, Cindy.

I would do anything for you, Brenda.

(SIGHS) (WHIMPERS)

(GIGGLES) Oh, yes! She bought it.

That old ketchup trick, it don't fail.

That bitch is crazy if she thought

I was taking my Black ass back in there.

(GRUNTS)

Attention all killers!

You have five seconds to show yourselves.

(MAN YELPS) Shorty!

Bitch!

You shot my favorite bong.

Go find your own damn closet!

Sorry.

(PHONE RINGS)

GHOSTFACE: Hello, Cindy.

Hello.

GHOSTFACE: Looks like you forgot

the first rule of surviving a horror movie.

Never answer the phone!

I thought the first rule was never trust the love interest.

GHOSTFACE: Oh, really?

Well, I'm changing the rules. How about that?

New rule: Go fuck yourself.

GHOSTFACE: Wait, wait!

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)

(PAINED WHINE) Why do you hate closets so much?

I told you to come out.

Yeah, well, I didn't want to get shot!

Ironic, isn't it?

GHOSTFACE: You missed me, bitch. (GRUNTS)

Oh, God, it's Ghostface!

Didn't sound believable.

(GRUNTS)

GHOSTFACE: You think you're John Wick,

acting like I killed your dog?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GHOSTFACE GRUNTS)

The dog is just a metaphor.

It was about losing his wife!

GHOSTFACE: You sure it's not an allegory? (GROANS)

Let us begin.

(YELLS) (GRUNTING)

(YELLS) (GRUNTS)

(CINDY YELLS, GRUNTS)

(CASING CLINKS) Oh.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, that stunt girl is good.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GHOSTFACE GRUNTS) (CLICKING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Whoa.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(CINDY GRUNTING)

GHOSTFACE: Oh, oh-- (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPING, SHUDDERING)

(GRUNTS, SIGHS) (POP)

(CINDY GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(CINDY YELLS)

(GHOSTFACE GRUNTS)

(GHOSTFACE CHOKING)

Eat a dick.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) (GHOSTFACE GRUNTS)

(GHOSTFACE GROANING)

(PANTING)

(SARA GASPS, PANTS)

Shoot him, Sara. End this.

Don't tell me what to do!

This isn't the best time

to resolve our mommy-daughter issues,

but Sara, I am so sorry. I have been a terrible mother.

I don't even know your sister Wednesday--

Oh, Tuesday.

Have to clarify that for legal reasons.

But I've prepared you for this.

So go on, baby.

You kill him. (EXHALES)

JACK: Sara? Jack!

Sara! SARA: Jack!

JACK: Sara! SARA: Oh, Jack!

JACK: Sara! Jack!

Sara! SARA: Jack!

Sara! SARA: Jack!

JACK: Thank God you're okay.

Because I really wanted to be

the one to kill you! (SCREAMS)

(GASPS) Ooh, take it, baby.

(SARA GROANING)

(GASPS) See, I told you it was about me.

ELLE: No, Sara.

You were just the bait.

It's about her.

Fuck! CINDY: Aw.

Sorry, honey. I hate being right.

JACK: You should've listened to Doofy.

(WHISPERING) The love interest.

It just seemed too obvious, you know?

Which makes you think it is not obvious.

Same page, honeybunch.

Right. (MOCKING)

Yeah, well, that's the twist!

Now get in the kitchen. Go!

Hey! (GRUNTS) Move!

Okay, listen up! (SARA GASPS)

See, there hasn't been a great Horror Movie

since the first one.

We're gonna save the franchise. Go get our special guest star.

(GIGGLES SOFTLY)

Hollywood is out of ideas!

Why else would there be a Scary Movie 6?

But it wouldn't work with just the new characters, would it?

We need the legacy characters. Oh--

And there wouldn't be a Cindy

without her sassy Black sidekick, Brenda.

You ain't have to say "Black" with no hard "b" like that.

Brenda! Didn't you get shot?

Did I?

Oh! Wait, I did! Ooh, look, God done healed me!

Ooh, what He do?

Stop dancing! All the time!

Stop dancing! Everybody stop dancing!

All the time!

Oh! (GASP) (KNIFE WITHDRAWS)

Oh. Mom! No!

(PANTING) You called me "Mom".

You care about me.

Well, I wouldn't go that far, but, I mean,

sure. Go--

Go get Tuesday.

Okay, ladies,

(SING-SONGY) time to stage the bodies.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Oh!

(CINDY GASPS) Please don't do this!

What? Who are you people?

GHOSTFACE: We're the motherfuckers

that are taking over this franchise.

Oh, yeah? You are?

Okay! Oh, my God.

That was not part of the plan. (WOMEN GASPING)

(GROANING) Oh, God. Shit.

Oh. GHOSTFACE: Neither was this.

(WOMEN GASP)

(PLOP, BURBLE)

Wait, Ray got one of those!

Whoa! Hot damn! (THUDS)

(LAUGHING) Anthony Anderson!

Yeah.

And I brought my boy Kevin Hart with me.

(GASPS)

What? Shaq?

That's right. On my knees I'm the same height as Kevin.

And Kevin said no.

ANTHONY: Kevin Hart said no?

That little motherfucker says yes to everything.

Yeah, he does.

But wait! (METALLIC SCRAPE)

GHOSTFACE: There's more. (MUFFLED GIGGLE)

Ta-dah...

bitches!

Ray? Shorty?

Yeah, that's right.

Four Black killers. Yeah.

We're making history. (LAUGHS)

This a new definition of Black excellence.

But why would you do this?

Question is:

Why would you try to make a sequel without us, huh?

Yeah!

When the studio wanted to replace these brothers,

I was there.

That's facts. What about me?

What about you?

CINDY: You were in one scene

in Part 4. Oh!

Yes, but I made that motherfucker

Dr. Phil cut his foot off.

And he crazy now. SHORTY: Yeah, he got weird.

Mm. But you--

Y-You see what they trying to do?

They trying to pit us all up against each other.

They trying to start Black on-- on very Black crime.

ANTHONY: Oh. That's right!

Yo, Shaq. Hey. I'm proud of you, bro.

You've had an amazing career as a sports commentator

since retiring from basketball. Mm-hmm.

And I love The Big Podcast. Nigga, I love that shit!

Even though I don't understand a word you be saying.

You be on that show talkin' 'bout--

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH AS SHAQ)

(RAY CHUCKLES)

"Kobe."

Enough.

But my point is, nigga, I love your shit.

But I never got over Kazaam.

Fuck all that shit! (GASPING)

Kick his ass!

Get your big ass over here! I hated that movie, too!

Why did you leave the Lakers? (RAPID STABBING)

You and Kobe would've had nine rings!

That motherfucker traded me!

Sha-kweel!

How big is your foot? (STABBING)

22.

Then how big is your dick? (STABBING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ray! (STABBING)

Pause. SHORTY: What the fuck

you talking about? I'm doing it for the culture.

What culture?

The Culture Club. Nigga! ANTHONY: Bro.

Come on, Ray, we killing people.

Stay focused. All right, all right.

All right. We back. (YELPS)

Hey, Ant, don't, don't you-- don't you worry. We family.

Ant, mad respect, y'all.

(WHIMPERS) Hey, Black-ish nominated

for eight Emmys!

My nigga! (WINCES)

(STAMMERS) Well, actually,

the show was only nominated for five.

I was nominated for eight.

Ooh. Wow.

Oh, thank you. (WOMEN CLAPPING)

(GIGGLES) A thespian!

Is that so? Eight nominations.

Crazy! (CHUCKLING) Yeah, man.

(LAUGHTER DIES DOWN)

But you never won. What?

(WINCES) (GASPING)

Et tu, Brute?

Don't speak Spanish to me, motherfucker.

This is for doing Scary Movie 3 and 4!

I didn't know they fired the family!

And this is for copying

our Good Times episode on Black-ish!

But you guys were on The WB!

(WHIMPERS) Nobody saw that shit!

(THUDS) (BOTH PANTING)

SHORTY: Ooh. No, no, no.

And you, and you--

Y'all went and did Scary Movie 3 and 4 without us!

Nigga, I'm sorry. They offered me so much money!

I-I got a new house, a new car. I got wigs that don't itch.

(SNIFFLES)

And what about you?

Well, I had a chance to work with

the incomparable Charlie Sheen.

That's good. He's a legend.

And his dick game's crazy.

You know he slept with 47,000 women?

And a thousand of them women were dudes.

(SCOFFS) Lucky guy.

Wait, so y'all gonna kill us now?

(SHORTY WHIMPERS)

Nah. (CHUCKLES) (EXHALES)

What would Halloween be without Jamie Lee Curtis?

Or Scream be without Neve Campbell?

(BRENDA GASPS) That would be Scream VI.

How did you guys pull all of this off?

Cindy!

You know how many Wayanses there are?

Nigga, billions! Billions!

I'm just so happy that the old gang is back together.

Okay, in the middle, on three:

Core Four.

What? Nah, nah. We-- That--

That-- That's corny shit. That's wack.

Ooh, uh, w-what about--

What about, The Young and The Restless?

Yeah, or The-- or The Old

and then The Beautiful. (LAUGHS)

Or-- or The-- The Cute and The Crusty.

Yeah, or The Sexy and then The Senile.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH CRYING, WHIMPERING)

But we were brought in to take over the franchise!

That's right. I mean,

you guys are, like, 70 years old!

Not in my mouth!

Aw, fuck!

(TUESDAY AND SARA SOBBING)

I just dragged that one from the subway.

Oh, my back hurts. (GROANS) (BONES POP)

Guys, guys! They're already dead.

Nah! Little fuckers always come back.

Oh, no. Not this time.

Exactly. Come on, Ray, let's go. Let's go.

Who got a match? (GIRLS YELLING)

Got one, got one! Next generation, my ass!

Yeah, whoo! (WHOOPS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(BOTH YELLING)

Sara, tell me what do to.

Blow, bitch, blow!

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Should we feel bad?

I mean, those are our kids.

Fuck those kids! Yeah!

This is our franchise. Yeah!

Besides, we can do all these dramatic walkaways

with the fire in back of us.

But, damn, it's hot.

I don't know. I kind of like it.

You do, Ray? We should play firemen.

You wanna dress up like a fireman?

No. I want you to dress up like a fireman.

(BRENDA GIGGLES) Y'all feel a draft?

("BIGGER THAN EVER (WE BACK)" BY CHRIS PATRICK PLAYS) ♪ Bigger than ever ♪

♪ We back Woo ♪

♪ Okay, okay ♪

♪ We back We back ♪

♪ Okay, okay ♪

♪ Bigger than ever We back ♪

♪ Wait on it Put in pain for it ♪

♪ Every day A day to train for it ♪

♪ We on a whole 'nother level ♪

♪ Bigger than ever We back ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ We back We back ♪

♪ Back like respawn ♪ ♪ Respawn ♪

♪ Back like Reversin' out the whip ♪

♪ Forward drive ♪ ♪ Drive ♪

♪ Back like I'm Marty ♪ ♪ Marty ♪

♪ Back like McFly ♪

♪ Double back for dinero ♪

♪ 'Cause it's back Like I slide ♪

♪ We outside ♪

♪ We ain't never really left ♪

♪ Write ambidextrous ♪

♪ Both hands need a check ♪

♪ Whole fam need respect ♪

♪ More bands, nothing less ♪

♪ Tax season 'cause I got The plan to collect ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Look at me now ♪ ♪ Now ♪

♪ We on a whole 'nother level ♪

♪ My foot on the pedal My eyes on the crown ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Look at me now ♪ ♪ Now ♪

♪ We on a whole 'nother level ♪

♪ Bigger than ever We back ♪

♪ Okay, okay ♪

♪ We back ♪

♪ Okay, okay ♪ ♪ Bigger than ever ♪

♪ We back ♪

♪ Wait on it Put in pain for it ♪

♪ Every day A day to train for it ♪

♪ We on a whole 'nother level ♪

♪ Bigger than ever We back ♪

♪ Mm ♪

♪ Look at me now ♪

♪ We on a whole 'nother level ♪

♪ Look at me now ♪

♪ My foot on the pedal ♪

♪ My eyes on the crown ♪

♪ We on a whole 'nother level ♪

♪ Look at me now ♪

♪ Whoo, look at me now ♪

♪ Whoo, look at me now ♪

♪ We on a whole 'nother level ♪

♪ Bigger than ever We back, whoo ♪

♪ Okay, okay ♪

♪ We back ♪

♪ Okay, okay ♪

♪ Bigger than ever We back ♪

♪ Wait on it Put in pain for it ♪

♪ Every day A day to train for it ♪

♪ We on a whole 'nother level ♪

♪ Bigger than ever We back ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ We back ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ We back ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ We back ♪

♪ We on a whole 'nother level ♪

♪ Bigger than ever We back ♪

NARRATOR: Coming soon to a theater near you...

Come to me...

Count Brolock.

From the studio that brought you

every Black version of a white movie...

I am but an appetite, nothing more.

That's not what you said last night

when you were sucking on my chest.

(SHUSHES)

The sisters may hear you.

Too late. (GASPS, SPUTTERS)

You trifling sellout.

BROLOCK: I don't know this bitch!

She's trying to get me! This is entrapment!

Negro ain't shit. ALL: Mm-hmm.

NARRATOR: Behold the Black vampire.

Brosferatu.

Coming this Kwanzaa.

(CROW CAWS)

Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

Happy Birthday, A.S. Berger.

Something isn't right here. SHORTHAND: Happy birthday...

He's definitely Ghostface.

Sit.

I agree, Berger.

That hand should spend the rest of its life in prison.

That little hand, man. I mean--

Respectfully, that thing would probably give a nice handjob.

Off the chain, guaranteed.

Tight grip.

Make your meat look two times bigger.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

I don't want a handjob from him.

Let me tell you that, first and foremost.

I do not want a handjob. Me neither.

However, when you look at it, like a shotgun--

(CLICKS, PUFFS) You're done. (SHOTGUN COCKS, FIRES)

(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

Now, listen, we're gonna hold him, okay?

Okay. It might be a day,

two weeks, I don't know.

I don't know how long this movie is.

Like a Chris Nolan movie with farts.

But what I want you to do is go in there

and show him what you got.

Cock it and rock it.

(DISTANT SIRENS WAILING)

Ah. (DOOR UNLOCKS)

(GASPS) Oh! (DOOR SHUTS)

SHORTHAND: There she is.

The birthday girl.

I brought a cake.

Make a wish.

My germs! (SPUTTERS)

(SPUTTERS)

(BERGER SPITS) (SMACKS LIPS)

Finger-licking good. (GIGGLES)

Agent Berger, I'm just trying to give you my strong hand.

No! But it's a meme.

Mr. Shorthand, are you Ghostface?

(WHOOPS) Here we go-- (GRUNTS, WHIMPERS)

Whew, that stings. It's sort of--

(THUDS) Whoo.

Okay, that hurts. Stop.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, o-okay.

(THUDS) (MOANS, GASPS)

This table needs an airbag.

It should-- (GRUNTS)

BOTH: Goddamn!

Whoo!

I didn't think it would hurt so bad.

So we got the wrong guy. Could have told you that.

Why? 'Cause I'm psychic.

(SHORTHAND GASPS) Oh, yeah!

You know, it's what--

(THUDS) BOTH: Oh, shit!

(SIGHS) Oh, God, that's how I feel.

Let me tell you some-- (GRUNTS)

What do we do now?

Back out slowly. (THUDDING CONTINUES)

Like my neighbor when I caught him inside my wife.

SHORTHAND: Where are you guys going?

(THUDS, SHORTHAND GROANS) They're still together?

(THUDS) Unfortunately.

SHORTHAND: Ow! (THUDS)

Sorry, man. It's okay.

We're a throuple now. (SHORTHAND GROANS)

(THUDS)