Original subtitles

Previously on House of Lies... LUKAS: Do you know that Dre's motherfucking ass

has not been to this place

since we moved production?

Lukas is all, "DollaHyde my baby."

Well, DollaHyde's my baby, too.

You want final approval of our floor displays.

And that would be a deal breaker.

You're okay with what just happened?

You think because I was laughing that I'm okay with it?

CAITLIN: You were gonna use my painful breakup,

your separation from your wife,

to try to fuck me?

JEANNIE: I blacked out, so I don't know

if we... I'm not saying for a fact that we did.

I don't remember, either.

CLYDE: You remember when you were in sober living

because you had a drug problem?

MONICA: We're too fucked up.

There's no fixing us, right? I...

Yeah, maybe.

This right here is gonna make me fucking rich.

DOUG: That disgusting brown drink that I guzzle down like come

has saved me from having to purchase a meal in over a week.

DRE: Well, I know one thing's for sure--

we're not gonna be the blood brothers

on the corners that we once were.

(siren wailing in distance)

(muted, gasping breaths)

(open-door alarm beeping)

(tinkling glass)

(open-door alarm beeping)

MAN: ...unit over here. Is there a medic here, please?

(zipper opening)

(indistinct radio transmission)

Business...

and...

(sighs): personal, I guess.

(siren chirping in distance)

(low, indistinct chatter)

Okay.

(distorted): Are you sure you're okay to drive?

Yes. I'm fine. 'Cause I could just drive you...

I'm fine.

Okay.

I'm gonna go.

*

(passing horns honking)

(yawns)

I know I look like a meth addict, but I can make

your life a living hell, so keep that in mind.

I... like your shoes.

Attaboy. Mm-hmm.

Hey, um, can you check

the DollaHyde pro forma revenue models

before the Barneys meeting?

Some of those figures, they look funky to me.

Are you serious? The meeting wasn't cancelled?

No. I just got off the phone with Dre's assistant.

All systems are go.

Huh. Seems a little...

Cold? Let me tell you something.

I would insist that Marty cancel all our meetings

if you were murdered.

Thank you, Doug.

I mean that. And where are we at with

Deutsche Bank on setting the final IPO for WON? Uh, no,

Clyde's dealing with that. Well, do you know where he is?

I don't know. Not here yet. Um, actually,

Jeannie, could I talk to you about something...

(phone vibrating, duck quacking)

Shut up.

Jeannie Van Der Hooven.

Where the fuck are you?

I... am at...

ooh...

the Amberley Hotel...

in San Francisco.

How about that?

San Francisco? Are you aware

our offices are in Los Angeles?

Yeah, well,

I am servicing an account right now.

Okay, well, get on a plane now. I just have

to service the account one more time--

probably from behind.

Lukas Frye was murdered last night.

What are you talking about? Just...

get back here now, please.

What, Doug?

Oh, yeah.

So, listen, um...

(clears throat) about WON.

I-I've been sampling it, you know that,

and I might have experienced some side effects.

What kind of side effects?

Um, last night, um...

(whispers): I noticed a slight enlargement in my, uh...

(clears throat) pectoral region.

Douglas Guggenheim, are you getting boobs?

No. Please don't touch them. They're very sensitive.

Oh, my God. Um, the doctor says

it's likely the result of a spike in my estrogen levels,

probably related to a change in diet.

But if it is the result of WON,

well, then that's a huge clusterfuck for Monica.

JEANNIE: All right,

I'll-I'll look into it. Great.

Uh, anything I can do? You can get yourself a bra.

This is a place of business; I need you to be professional.

(sighs)

(whispers): Ow.

How did you sleep?

Like shit.

But, you know, I don't sleep, so... Me, neither.

What do you think happened?

I don't know. It certainly looked

like a gang hit.

Maybe too obviously

like a gang hit.

Could you remind me which one you are again?

Is it Cagney or Lacey?

Wow, sweet '80s reference, Chief.

Thank you.

You can't tell me that the thought

hasn't crossed your mind that...

(laughs): I-I can't take you seriously

with your tooth like that.

I am getting it fixed later today,

so shut the fuck up.

Have you spoken to Dre?

Jeannie, uh... Just call him.

See how he's doing. And then just

slip into the conversation,

"Hey, did you have your friend Lukas murdered?"

I don't know, see where the conversation goes.

Right.

I know he's your buddy, Marty, and it's not like

I'm rooting for his involvement, but...

Listen, Dre is...

He's been involved in some bad shit, okay?

He's ruthless.

He'd never because you'd never?

You think you two are the same,

but... (sighs)

God-- and I mean this in the nicest way possible, Marty--

you're not.

I just had an epiphany.

I've got to get my own office.

No, Lukas's death-- it really got me thinking.

You know, made me... it's made me take stock

of what-what matters in life.

Oh, but you weren't even there.

But I knew him. I knew him.

Oh, of course. Yeah, you killed his dog.

Okay, yeah, Clyde. Forgive me

that I care about people who die. Mm-hmm.

And dogs, who die. Who you murder.

(sighs) I need to work on my marriage.

Oh, is this the epiphany? It's Sarah.

I mean, it's always been Sarah. Of course.

Except for when it was Caitlin.

(laughs): Okay, yeah, sure.

I may have lusted in my heart, but I never strayed.

Right. Because she wouldn't let you.

Because I decided...

Nice of you to join us, Clyde.

(laughs): Oh, Jeannie!

Jeannie! Embracing your hillbilly roots.

Very chichi. I like it very much.

Yeah, hey, ain't that the tooth.

Sarah's gonna love that joke.

(laughs): Ain't that the tooth.

Say it like that. Let me update you real quick.

He is trying to win Sarah back.

Because Lukas died, and not because

Caitlin absolutely demolished him last night.

She doesn't need to know all that.

So Sarah likes girls now?

'Cause you have fun bags.

Doug has fun bags?

You haven't heard? No.

Our little girl is going through puberty.

Douglas is?

Okay, let's get this over with.

Yeah, I have experienced some temporary

pectoral growth due to a spike

in my estrogen levels, so that's it. JEANNIE: Mm-hmm.

(sighs) Is this a real thing?

Yeah. You swear to me this is a real thing? Aw.

May I see them, Doug? I would like to see them, please. Certainly not.

I think he's just embarrassed 'cause they're kind of teensy.

Oh, no, they're tiny titty tops?

You know what, you shouldn't even feel ashamed.

Lugging big old titties around, you can get back problems.

And I say fuck you

to all those guys who do not love you for you.

I wouldn't mind bigger tits, you know what I mean?

What's this WON shit taste like, anyway?

Dude, I love your tits just the way they are.

Oh. There they are.

(giggles): Aw, he loves my tits.

CLYDE: I like to put smiley face in between,

so it looks like they're talking to me all the time. Like... (grunts)

You get it. Don't pretend you don't get it; you get it.

How was the rest of your morning in San Francisco? It was... good.

Yeah? It was good. I sold off McClintock Media

for $4.2 billion.

You just sold McClintock Media, just quickly sold it...

this morning?

Are you being serious? Did you really sell

your company this morning? We've been in quiet negotiations

for, like, a week, so yeah.

You never thought to mention it to your consultant-slash-boyfriend,

the person who's been working on this with you for the whole fucking time?

Uh... mm.

That's huge, by the way. That's fucking enormous. Yeah.

You put any thought into what you're gonna do with that new cash flow?

First I'm gonna buy you and me a pretty little outfit.

A matching outfit? Okay. (laughs): Yes, obviously.

And then I'll probably blow a ton of it on heroin.

That's an amazing plan,

and I don't want to throw you away from that, but...

anytime you want to come in, Marty would have

some mind-blowing ideas for you. Mm.

I love Marty--

I do-- and in a world where we weren't dating,

I'd be all over that black dick--

but I'm pretty much done with K&A.

I mean, I got what I needed.

You know?

Mmm. This butternut squash is amazing.

What the fuck did they put in this? Mmm!

Do want to stop fucking stealing the food from my plate

when you're ruining my life? No problem. I'll order my own.

Where's the guy? You know I'm on shaky ground with Marty.

I thought we were in a relationship-- we're supposed to look out for each other.

We're not supposed to fuck each other over.

Okay, just because I let you put your mouth

on my vagina, I'm supposed to write you checks for the rest of my life?

You're missing the point. That's not what I mean.

This relationship started because you came by sober living

to drum up business. Okay, fine,

it was a slimy beginning, but I thought we moved past that.

Forget it. Let's just go do a bump in the bathroom. Okay?

Hey, girls, we're gonna go do a bump

in the bathroom, so can you watch our food?

I don't want them to clear it.

Maybe we should just end this. Okay.

"Okay"? Just like that? "Okay"?

I said "maybe we should just end this," and you say fucking "okay"?

I can't believe I couldn't see how fucking self-centered you are.

Your ATM of a girlfriend stops spitting out hundies,

and your first instinct is to end things? No.

Yeah. I'm the self-centered one.

Okay. Right. Fuck you.

I'm gonna go do that bump in the bathroom, so I'll see you later.

You know, her tits suck, by the way. Mm-hmm.

Your tits are bullshit.

Clyde Oberholt shits when he comes.

CLYDE: I do not.

I do not. MAN: Wow.

Come on.

Oh. Jeannie, Jeannie, wait.

Oh, God, hey. I'm freaking out here.

Sarah-- she's not returning my calls

or my texts or my anything. What do I do?

Uh, give up? What?

I don't know, Doug. Do something romantic.

Like a dick pic or something? Marty!

Finally! Please, can I get a minute?

Whoa-kay, hold on. Speaking of romantic,

chance of rain tonight.

That's good, that's great, actually.

You know, in the movies, when guys are trying

to win back the girl, they're always, you know,

running through the rain?

That's usually a real panty melter.

Don't say "panty melter," ever.

This is an independent clinical study on WON.

Check the date.

(sighs)

Fucking fantastic.

You said you wanted our expertise.

And really, you just wanted the manpower

to push you through to the IPO.

(chuckles): And then you...

sell off your shares for a fat sum

and just fuck everybody else, right?

I did not keep anything from you, Marty.

And I... honestly, I didn't even think that it was relevant.

Or... you were greedy.

Mm. I think you were just afraid

that we were gonna ask for higher fees if we knew.

And you should have been afraid, because, well, we would have.

Oh. But it's nothing compared to what we're gonna ask for now.

(Monica groans)

How much do you want?

I don't know. Jeannie, what do you think?

I don't know, it's hard.

I mean, you know, you want it to be enough

that she learns a lesson about honesty... Yeah.

...but not so big that she'll be tempted

to leak it and fuck us over, so I think that

I'd probably be satisfied with 75%

of her shares of WON. (laughs): That's...

That's fucking outrageous.

(laughs): It's nuts.

Yeah. And our final offer.

JEANNIE: Hey, I'll call the lawyers

and have them draw up some contracts.

* Do-do-do-do-do-do. I'm gonna get a cookie.

Marty...

Marty, no, this isn't... Don't do this.

This is... this is supposed to be my ticket back.

You are leaving me scraps.

You know, I...

I genuinely thought that we had gotten to some...

new place or something, you know?

When you came over, it felt...

We were both there for each other

at a vulnerable moment, and it was real.

I don't know why I believed it. I was...

I mean, I guess I wanted to.

But it just goes to show you, if you leave your door unlocked,

you shouldn't be surprised when somebody comes in

and takes a shit in the middle of the floor.

I'm gonna go get that cookie now.

JEANNIE: Thank you.

You smug,

self-satisfied... cunt.

Me?

You know what is so incredibly sad?

I mean, like kill-yourself sad?

I think you actually believe your own bullshit.

Small-town girl makes good, right?

Tough, disciplined, independent.

Now there's a fucking joke.

You are just

a remora clinging to a shark's back.

I know what a shark is.

I'm pretty positive a remora's a fish.

Let me check.

You would still be sharpening pencils

at Galweather's research basement

if Marty hadn't plucked you out...

given you life.

Marty plucked me out because...

Because he saw something in you?

What Marty saw

was a desperate girl, eager to shake off the sticks,

whose pussy appeared open for business.

The reason that you rose so quickly at Galweather,

the reason that you're here,

the reason you have any career at all...

because Marty wanted to fuck you.

Not to say that you have not played that brilliantly

by not actually fucking him, but when you do,

he will look at you and he will see

what the rest of us see,

what everyone has always seen.

Nothing.

(chuckles)

The tooth.

(whispers): It's looking sexy.

*

DRE: First and foremost,

I want to thank you for having the meeting here.

I mean, with all that's happened,

things at the DollaHyde offices are a little, uh... (chuckles)

We were so sorry to hear.

Thank you.

I mean, I still haven't quite grasped

that it's actually even happened, that he's gone.

I'm sorry.

WOMAN: You know what? We can reschedule.

We'll be back in town in two weeks. No.

No, no, that's exactly...

(groans) what we shouldn't do.

We should soldier on.

Lukas helped build this company,

and I can't think of a better testament

to his memory

than to... ensure its future.

Especially if that future includes Barneys.

DRE: Absolutely. Lukas loved Barneys.

"Barneys this, Barneys that,"

you know, "Barneys, Barneys, Barneys."

He wouldn't shut up about it, right?

So, we-we've met with a few other retailers,

and I'm pretty sure that these fine folks sitting next to me

would probably advise me that I'm giving away

the negotiation before we actually even get started.

But the fact is,

Barneys is the place I want to be.

Yeah, Dre would kill to be at Barneys.

(laughs): That's a poor choice of words.

DRE: Um, is, uh...

everything okay, Marty?

No, everything... everything's not okay, Dre. Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Uh, Jeannie, could you...?

(indistinct chatter, phones ringing)

(elevator bell dings)

Go away, go away.

No.

I'm guessing this is the first time

you've ever seen somebody get killed.

I'm telling you, Marty,

that shit'll fuck you up... Shut up, please.

Just shut the fuck up, Dre.

Please.

Are you telling me...

Look, don't treat me like I'm a goddamn idiot, okay?

What are you talking about?

Oh, what, you think I had something to do with Lukas?

Did you?

You wearing a wire?

(laughs)

Come on, man, that was a joke.

Yeah, it was a good one.

Look, I can see that you're obviously upset.

I could've got hit, man.

Jeannie could've got hit.

See, whoever did Lukas, they were professionals,

and professionals, they don't miss.

Well, we're just assuming they were pros, right?

'Cause we don't actually know what happened. No.

Right. And you took a bullet, too,

so not so professional, I guess.

I mean... unless...

Unless... Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You go yelling this shit from the rooftops,

and someone's gonna believe you.

Whether... it's true or not.

And I can't have that.

You gonna kill me, too, Dre?

You know what?

Do it. Do me a fucking favor, man.

Or do you make a phone call?

H-How does it work? You got these guys on speed dial?

Give me the phone. I'll do it.

You change your mind, you got my address.

(exhales)

*

(dog barking in distance)

(sighs)

(knocks)

Oh.

Hey, asshole.

And we're right back into it with the witty banter.

Wait, now, hold on, hold on. Sarah, Sarah, please wait.

Please.

I'm sorry. I... Look,

I don't know what I can say to make things right

or what I can do.

I-I... I just know that I need you in my life.

I do. Doug,

just... I'm sor...

Wait, no, hold on. Let me finish.

Look, I'm not the kind of guy women ever went for.

(sighs) I wish I was, but I'm-I'm not.

Hell, I took a cousin to my prom.

And not even a pretty cousin, either.

I think she had, like, a mild form

of spina bifida or something. I'm not kidding.

And she ended up going to second base with another cousin.

The whole situation was really dark, honestly.

But anyway, you came along, and you were so beautiful

and so cool, and-and...

you made the insane choice of actually wanting me.

And not just wanting me,

going so far as to trick me into marriage.

I would have tricked a lot of men into marriage, actually,

so don't... flatter yourself.

All right, well, I'm trying to say that I...

I didn't appreciate how fucking amazing you are. How about that?

Well, not as amazing as...

Caitleen, right?

Caitlyn. L-Y-N.

I don't care. I know, I know.

I held Caitlin up as this... ideal.

But then I realized...

That she's a boring little bitch?

Mm, no. I-I was gonna say that I realized that she's not you.

And that she's a boring little bitch.

Okay. But compared to you...

Compared to anyone.

I kind of need you to say it.

Um... yeah, she's a boring little bitch.

I know, right? Yeah.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

You can come in now. Okay. Thank you.

(sighs)

We're done.

Good as new.

(gasping)

(shudders)

(laughs): What's happening?

Why am I crying?

Sometimes patients coming off anesthesia

exhibit strong emotions. (sobs)

You're gonna be okay. Am I?

(sobbing): Am I gonna be okay?

Why did I just ask you that?

What is happening to me? Oh, fuck.

Oh, God.

(continues sobbing)

So, this is normal?

Mm-hmm.

(continues sobbing)

Oh, God, I miss this place.

It's our home. Yeah.

(laughs)

Another leg broke off?

I know. And the springs have gone to shit. Yeah.

(sighs) I was gonna get a new one, but I just couldn't

bring myself to give this one away. Yeah.

Lot of memories on that couch.

It's where I first gave you a blow job.

(laughs) I was just thinking that, yeah.

We were watching Chicago Fire,

and you said, "This show is so stupid."

It is. Right. "Do you want a blow job?"

And I... Do you remember what I said?

You were just like, "Yes, please." "Yes, please."

(both laugh)

Because I did. I did want...

You hurt me, Doug. Jesus! I'm sorry, Sarah.

I'm so sorry. I know. I'm such an idiot.

If I could go back and if I could take it all back...

Hey, look at me-- I love you so much.

I wouldn't have tricked anybody else into marrying me.

I just... I was just lashing out.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, come here.

Oh. Mmm.

Oh!

Oh, Sarah.

Oh.

I think that this is good. I think this is great.

Yeah.

I just wish that we had figured that out last week.

I know. Each moment...

Each moment is so precious; I know that now.

And every day that we didn't spend together

is-is a day lost in the sands of time.

Yeah. That's... true, I guess. Yeah.

Also, I had an abortion last Friday.

What? No, wait. What?

I don't know, there was a baby, and then there wasn't one.

You had an-an abortion?

Are you serious? (groans)

Hey. Wh...

Why didn't you tell me?

I... I mean, I know we'd broken up, but...

it was mine, too.

Uh...

Are you okay? What was that?

Yeah. No.

Was that a shrug? Did you just shrug?

It was a little...

That's a shrug. Yeah, that's a weird shrug.

You know what, Doug? I wasn't completely sure

that it was yours, okay?

I went on a bit of a spree.

But you used protection.

You know how I feel about condoms, Doug.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Well...

I'm gonna go get some Fresca.

Do you want a Fresca?

Um... no.

Okay.

*

Marty.

I thought Dre had given you the code. He's up at the house

if you want to follow me in. No, actually,

I wanted to talk to you for a second, if I could. May I?

Y-Yeah.

What's...

What's going on, Marty?

You seem... Um...

It's about Lukas.

I can't prove anything,

and I...

I wouldn't say this if I wasn't sure.

Your husband had Lukas killed.

(exhales)

You've never been in a good relationship, have you?

One where you really open yourself up to that person,

where you make...

every important decision together,

good and bad.

(exhales)

(whispers): Jesus.

Dre and I talk... a lot.

Sometimes we even talk about you.

Maybe you should focus

on trying to fix your shit, instead of coming in here

trying to fuck up what Dre and I have.

Because that is not

going to happen.

Good night, Marty.

*

Hello.

Jeremiah let me in.

And then he went

to Chantelle's.

And I think Roscoe is...

School field trip.

Brought you a present.

And I might've gotten a teensy head start.

Yeah?

(chuckles)

Hey, Jeannie, you remember what happened

last time we... shared a bottle?

Not really. (chuckles)

Okay, uh, listen...

today has been...

I... I don't want to end up doing

something stupid. I do.

I want to do something really fucking stupid.

So why don't you get

your big-boy pants on and grab a glass.

I seriously lost my shit.

I-I could not stop crying.

I think it scared the dentist. (laughs)

Doesn't make sense. I mean, you've been

with hundreds of guys, right?

Clearly, this can't be the first one that's been murdered.

(laughs)

I don't think it had anything to do with Lukas.

What was it?

I don't know. It's not important.

Are you fucking kidding me? What was it?

Just tell me.

(Jeannie laughing)

What? You finally make a friend,

and he turns out to be a murderer.

(laughing)

That's not funny.

(continues laughing)

Where the fuck is this thing?

(chuckles): What are you doing?

I am trying to take my bra off without taking my blouse off.

Why?

'Cause it's sexy.

No, no, I should never have said it.

I mean, I think it was just

something about being at the wedding

or being in Vegas. No, it's not...

I mean... I just wasn't in a place to hear it, you know?

Not like I'm ever really in a place to...

to hear it, but...

I'm glad you said it.

I mean...

I'm glad you felt it.

(gasps)

(both laughing)

That-that's number one...

best picture.

Oh, my Lord.

Uh-huh. And there's this picture.

Wow.

My mom. She was beautiful.

Yeah. Graduation.

Oh... God, I'm such an asshole.

I don't know, you did sacrifice

your body last night to protect me.

Yeah, but I broke your tooth.

I know, you asshole.

(both laugh)

*

* Like removing a lane

* I'm slowly going insane

* This is all that remains

* And I don't feel ashamed

* I can't remember my name

* I pray this love is here to stay *

* Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm

* I'm not built for the fight

* I never was the killer type

* I kept it up for a year

* I slowly drowned in fear

* Now I pray this love is here to stay *

* Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm

MARTY: Hey.

What?

I love you.

Dummy, you were supposed to say that before,

to get me into bed, not after.

(laughs): I know, I fucked it up.

* And I pray this love is here to stay *

* Uh-huh, ah

* Oh, mm, mm, mm

* Say where I'm gonna be

* I better store some memories

* So, come on, give me a kiss

* With your sweet, soft lips

* So I know this

* Love is here to stay

* Uh-huh, oh

* So I know

* This love is here to stay...

Meow.