Original subtitles

Previously on House of Lies...

Oh, shit!

Lex, you're out of here!

This fucking dating thing is dead!

If you ever mix a 25-year-old single malt of mine

with Hawaiian Punch again,

I'm putting you up for adoption immediately.

(retching)

Wait, you stopped using birth control?

I did!

Why-why would you do that?

Uh, because I want us to have a baby?

I've been withholding orgasms

since she decided to... we decided

to, uh, get pregnant.

She got fired.

I'll make some calls, okay?

I got your back, Mon.

DOUG: Two coworkers having a smoke and, uh,

getting to know each other.

I can help save it for you.

Promise? Pinky promise.

In two weeks, the McClintock Media Empire

will be jizzing money

into this office. Ew.

You really think you can bring in

the entire McClintock Media Empire?

I know I can.

It's McClintock.

(whispers): Hand-delivered by Judas.

(seagulls calling, waves crashing)

(groans)

Fucking hate sand.

Hey, Marty, I'm squinting real bad.

Do I have time to go back, get my sunglasses?

Yes, Doug, go get your sungla...

Get a volleyball, too, buddy.

CLYDE: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Look at us kicking up dirt again, huh?

Who would've thunk it?

You and me making shit happen

without even putting our shoes on?

Uh, my fucking shoes are on, Clyde, okay?

It's a metaphor. And just take it easy.

I mean, what's this Zannino's angle anyway?

Zannino doesn't have an angle.

Oh, right, billion-dollar hedge fund manager, no angle.

He's old friends with Marissa.

Yup, he used to stick his dick in me

on a semi-regular basis.

Mm, that's romantic.

Of course, she has moved on to the big leagues now.

You're the big leagues, Clyde?

Oh, Jeannie Beannie, I am the very big leagues.

If you know what I mean. Yes, we know what you mean.

Talking about my D. He does.

He does have a big dick.

It's good; it's solid. You guys seen it?

No. I have not. Jesus!

Yeah, a few times.

What?

Occasionally we share a room together on the road.

I mean, I'm sure he's seen mine.

No. Why would I look at your dick, Doug?

Oh, how could you miss it?

"How could you miss it?"

Hey, this is, uh, quite a pull for you, Oberholt.

Mm. Nice.

Is dating you, like,

one of her 12 steps or a penance thing or...?

Jeannie Beannie, once Zannino's on board,

Marissa gets her life back.

At which point, she will shower money on Kaan and Associates.

So what I think what you're trying to say is...

She's gonna dump your ass when she gets rich again.

You're welcome.

That, boys and girls,

is our whale.

How you doing, sweetheart?

So he's a handsome

jet-setting billionaire?

You have a two-bedroom apartment

that is convenient to a major freeway.

You're good.

MARISSA: You know I used to partake on occasion,

but to hear my brother and sister talk about it,

it's like I was giving out blowies for crack.

So they had her put under conservatorship

so they can get their hands on Mediawolf's online revenue.

Well, it's good to know Suzanne and Joel

are still tremendous cocksuckers.

I thought my family was fucked.

Seriously, Jules, they Raising Arizona-ed me.

Snatched my fucking baby.

Yeah, her highly trafficked digital media baby.

It is second only to Huff Post in online hits in that sector.

All right, so you want me to call a judge

and get you out of conservatorship?

No, no, it's not just about Mediawolf.

You know what would make me so goddamn wet?

I have some recollection, yes.

To be sitting atop the entire McClintock Media Empire--

the newspapers, the TV stations, everything.

That'd make us all wet. Doug.

And once I'm on top, first order of business is pushing

Joel and Suzanne's tight asses out a fucking window.

Hey, watch yourself; you do not want to get on her bad side.

Dude, she could kick my ass.

MARTY: It's your bad side

that we're actually counting on.

I mean, by all accounts, you're a scary motherfucker.

You say "boo," CEOs tremble.

So you want me to say "boo" to McClintock.

CLYDE: You don't have to buy anything.

Julian Zannino sitting in the room,

literally just fucking sitting there?

We'll have them shaking in their boots about a hostile takeover.

I like your new boyfriend.

He's cute, right? Thank you.

If they don't want

their beloved newspaper slipping out of family control,

they're gonna give Marissa whatever she wants.

There is no risk to your investors.

And we'll handle all the positioning.

Look, guys, you can stop selling.

Let's go fuck some assholes. All right!

Yes! Please! I guess we're fucking assholes.

Thank you, brother. Shit.

MARTY: You know, the one and only time

Grandpa took me camping,

we had some strange bearded hippie guy who, uh,

stripped naked every time we made a campfire.

It was the '70s, all right?

Besides, we hiked to Big Basin and made it back safely.

Well, if by "safely" you mean

forever associating s'mores with strange penis,

then, yeah, we did.

Packed an extra mascara?

Your leggings?

Dad, what are you, like, five years old right now?

Oh, it talks! It talks. God!

I knew it did something other than stuff food in there.

Hey, Chantelle.

Hey. Jeremiah told me what happened.

Aw, that is great to know that he's keeping everybody

abreast of what's happening in our family.

Well, she's coming camping with us.

She's gonna find out.

Must've been a tough call, huh?

Not really, no.

Lex is no good for him, okay?

And in time, he's gonna understand...

Why the fuck am I explaining this to you?

I'm just curious if it was difficult

telling Roscoe that you don't trust his choices.

Oh, my God, she's trying to shrink me.

Well, her focus is child psychology.

(chuckles): Oh! (laughs)

That's so funny.

Hey, look.

This trip might help Roscoe clear his head.

You gonna be able to manage by yourself for a few days?

ROSCOE: Hey, Grandpa, let's get out of here soon

before Dad tries to break us up, too.

That was... Yeah, I'll manage by myself.

Yeah, that was good, that was good.

(indistinct chatter)

Uh, da Bears!

(both laugh)

Chicago.

Oh, God, I just love Chicago.

Have you been? No.

No? It's windy I hear.

(laughs) Because it's the Windy City.

Oh, my God, that's good, that's good.

Hey, listen, um... (clears throat)

While I think of it, uh, there's an artist,

Terrell Moore, has an exhibit up at the Hauser Gallery

when we're there... Oh, my God, he is great.

He is great.

Um, well, a few of us were thinking of checking him out.

You're more than welcome to join.

Sure.

That sounds really fun. Okay.

Great. All right.

Aah! Excuse me.

"A few of us were thinking of checking it out"?

Very slick, Douglas.

Firstly, my suspenders are not a toy.

And secondly, "slick"? What does that mean?

God, sometimes it's so hard to tell

if you're playing dumb or if you're actually dumb.

I'm talking about the fact

that you just asked Caitlin out on a date.

I'm a married man. I know.

A married man who just asked Caitlin out on a date.

(stammers) No, no, no!

We are two coworkers who happen to share

a common interest in art who may take in a gallery.

It's called "culture," Jeannie.

Wow, or it's called "a date."

That's what I call it. No.

Please, don't call it that.

It shouldn't be too hard to make it look like Zannino's

sniffing around for a new business to buy.

I mean, it's what he does for a living anyway, right?

I have public bid submissions ready to go

just as soon as you say the word.

Well, hang on a second.

What, you got something?

Yeah, I went digging around

through Mediawolf's financials. Check it.

Depleted revenues for Mediawolf's Web traffic

are in the exact same amount as makegoods

for the Chicago and Indianapolis newspapers.

Marissa's oh-so-concerned siblings

are pumping Mediawolf's tits.

Sucky, sucky.

Mm-mm.

Jesus Christ. Why?

That's got to constitute an abuse of conservatorship access.

Absolutely.

Yeah, the judge would definitely have a frowny face about that.

Wow, that is interesting.

Why-why is that interesting?

It's another way in. It's punier way in.

We don't need it. We got Zannino, remember?

We think we have Zannino. We... Thank you.

You know, why don't you shut the fuck up, Omega Mu?

(snorts) That's the sorority from Revenge of the Nerds.

Marty, it's gonna work.

All right? Trust me.

Trust you? Yeah.

The plan is gonna work.

Well, you know what?

Clyde says we have a foolproof plan.

So let's just... I didn't mean to say that.

No, no, it's good. Let's just take the rest

of the day off and go see a movie or something.

Oh, oh! Maybe we could do that company outing

at Magic Mountain. Yes!

I have wanted to do Magic Mountain in forever.

I'm not... It's sarcasm.

Yup. CLYDE: I wasn't saying

that it's the absolute perfect...

What were you saying?

Fine.

Whatever you want to do. Good.

Well, somebody's sweet on Will.

(chuckles) Yeah.

I'm trying to clean up this DollaHyde mess right now.

You want to get right to it?

Yeah, what was that in there?

With Clyde?

You don't think that, uh,

we should be considering every alternative?

Marty. Zannino is a wild card, okay?

Zannino is a scary corporate raider

with washboard abs.

Since when does that shit rattle you?

Zannino fucks Marissa over, we get fucked.

This guy likes to chew up companies

and spit out the pieces.

How you know that's not gonna happen here?

Zannino is the play.

You know that.

And it's the play you're ultimately gonna make.

You just want to rub Clyde's nose

in the shit pile first.

Move on, Marty.

Oh, coming from the expert

in moving on.

I-I'm not holding on to anything...

with you.

If that's what you're insinuating.

Seriously, Marty, I'm not.

Oh, well, as long as you said "seriously."

I just don't want to leave money on the table

because you can't get past it.

Oh, my God, Jeannie, you're a partner.

Okay? You want to back Clyde's play?

Go with God.

Great chat.

Yes, it was.

Hi. Sorry. No.

The line at the gyno was fucking ridiculous.

Yeah? There was a line?

Ugh! It's, like, don't make more appointments

than you have time for.

If you can only see five vaginas in an hour,

don't schedule ten vaginas.

Thank you. Right?

I'm sorry. Yeah.

How are you? Great, great.

Good. How about you?

I'm good. Yeah?

Dr. Caplan saw a surge in my L-H levels,

and I'm at peak fertility for the next two days.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Oh, okay. So you don't think so?

I don't think so.

Well, that's really interesting, Dr. Guggenheim.

(laughs)

I booked myself a ticket to Chicago.

Ooh.

Wait, what?

Please don't worry.

I'm not gonna get in the way of your work.

Um... I'm gonna be quiet as a church mouse.

You know, I'm just there for the nookie.

Okay, great. I-I love the nookie.

Yes, I know.

Um, but I just... Here's my thing.

I don't think your L-H levels are peaking right now.

We made that calendar with your cycle,

and that's pretty spot-on.

Okay, that's cute, but I just went to the doctor,

and he says I'm peaking.

Yeah, Dr. Caplan.

I like Dr. Caplan.

Babe, he went to med school at Tufts.

That's a good school, Doug.

You go to med school at Tufts so that

when people say, "Where'd you go to med school?"

you could say, "This school outside Boston."

And then when they walk away, they say,

"Ooh, I wonder if he was talking about Harvard."

But he wasn't, was he? No, no, no, no, no.

He was talking about Tufts.

Do you not want me to go to Chicago?

What?! Of course I want you to come to Chicago.

Come on. No, I just... I know w-we'll be working a lot.

I know. So how 'bout this?

How about you and me...

slip into the bathroom and have a quickie right now?

Oh, horrible offer.

I don't want to conceive my baby in a restaurant bathroom.

Are you crazy?

I just think it'd make a funny story.

No, it won't. Yeah?

I've got Purell on me. I'll wipe you down.

Oh, my God. I just... I think that we could

take care of business before I leave.

Tonight, tomorrow morning. Plus, we could get

a refund on that plane ticket.

I know they say no refunds, but if you know

how to work the system...

Oh, my God, Doug!

You are such a cheap bastard!

No!

That's what this is about? No.

My God, our baby isn't even worth $1,200 to you?

$1,200?! Are you... Oh.

What? Okay, all right.

Who's flying the plane, Richard Branson?

I'm coming to Chicago. End of story.

Good. Chi-town.

L'chaim!

*

Hey.

(both moaning)

Actually facing each other.

We haven't done that in a while.

Is that a problem?

Not a problem.

(both grunting)

Where did Jeremiah get this kimono?

Mm. I like it.

But I do have to ask,

how short is it on him when he is wearing it?

Oh, in a word? Yuck.

(laughs)

Oh, but speaking of balls,

you met Lex.

Oh, boy.

Yes.

She is a firecracker...

He's a firecracker.

I think you made the right call though.

What happened exactly?

Well, you know, wasn't just one thing.

But I got to say, I hated watching her

lead Roscoe around by the nose.

Way back when, I used to lead you around by the nose.

The fuck out of here.

That's true. You know that.

Well, I guess if you swapped out the high-tops

for some Louboutins

and I got a really good squint on, yeah.

Hello? (snaps fingers)

Earth to Monica.

Where'd you go? You all right?

(chuckles): Oh...

I just... I don't know.

I-I would just... I'd really like it if people would stop

fucking around with my shit.

You are joking, right?

No, I'm serious.

Yeah, right, 'cause detonating a hate bomb at work

is the exact same thing

as the whole world conspiring against you.

(sighs) Fuck you.

Come on, baby, that's what you do.

You hobble the ladder, and then you want

to blame somebody else when you fall.

(chuckles)

It worked pretty good for a little while.

(chuckles)

What about you?

What about me?

You got everything you want, but you are still

alone and unhappy.

I don't remember saying I was unhappy.

Well, you called me here, so...

Baby, life is good.

Okay.

We're too fucked up.

There's no fixing us, right?

(sighs)

I... yeah, maybe.

Enough of this introspective shit.

How about you get me out

of this kimono and we give your neighbors

something to talk about?

How about it?

Oh, I like that one.

Sorry, Jeremiah.

Oh, you better make it worth it.

(both sigh)

Oh, that's cute. They're becoming friends.

I wonder what they're talking about.

CLYDE: A potential three-way with Doug maybe.

I mean, how would you do that?

Would you jump on top of both? Would you throw it in...

Hey, how dare you besmirch Caitlin!

And Sarah.

And Sarah. And Sarah.

DOUG: And, obviously, it goes without saying.

CLYDE: And Sarah. Sure, Sarah.

Hey, sweetie! There you... I told you to stay put.

I like her.

She great, right?

Doug loves her.

DOUG: We all do. She's a sweet kid. SARAH: Super cute.

She mentioned that your pod is going

to an art gallery tonight?

Art gallery?

Which seemed weird.

Oh, yeah! Oh, that thing?

Yeah, we'll see who shows up.

You know, we were thinking maybe popping by

after we do our thing, but...

(sighs): Oh, Jesus, Doug.

Oh, you can come if you want.

I just figure you'd want to have your legs up after.

You don't want to have Doug Jr.

trickling down your thigh, right? No. Ugh!

Dr. Caplan said that that is not a thing.

Tufts.

Whatever, okay?

I'm tired, so I'll probably bail anyway.

Yeah, catch some Z's. Good call.

You know, I did hear it's gonna be a fantastic exhibit.

Oh, yeah. I'm definitely thinking about going,

and I fucking hate art. Yeah.

But this guy's like, "This is the one

if you're gonna go to any one." This exhibit.

"You have to see this exhibit."

Which guy? Which guy? The man. The exhibit guy.

Really? You know what? Fuck it.

I'll sleep when I'm dead. (laughs)

Oh! Oh, no. That's extreme.

Sleep when you're tired.

Let's do it. Sleep tonight.

Marty, Marty, hey, look, soft pretzel?

Cinnamon sugar?

Uh, no, I'm good.

Hmm? It's soft.

Yeah, I got both descriptions. Still good.

You had sex last night.

Oh, my God.

Marty, please, when can I be your wingman?

My wingman?

Yes.

(sighs): Uh...

How does Nev-uary the 5th work for you?

(chuckles)

Did I just make his list?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, the list.

Hey, Marty, I just want to say thanks

for sticking with the Zannino plan.

Don't thank me.

Thank the boss lady over there. It was her call.

Okay. Yeah, no, I will.

Great.

Cinnamon sugar pretzel? Oh.

I knew you were gonna do that.

Bought two... dick.

Hey, what's up, brother?

You guys have all met Julian Zannino before.

JULIAN: Love what you've done with the place.

Mr. Zannino has an eye toward investing in clean energy.

Wind, solar.

Owning your fleet of newspapers

will go a long way toward connecting him

with elected officials in the region.

Agribusiness leaders, too.

Plus, ever since my buddy Jeff

bought the Washington Post, I said,

I got to get me one of those.

(laughter)

You know, his offer would be pretty enticing,

even to preferred stockholders.

If that were true, you would have made it already.

So what do you really want?

I'm happy you asked. Douglas?

Look, we know you want to keep McClintock Media Group

in the family.

But there's really only one person

who can keep Mr. Zannino at bay.

And, look, I know my brain is all mush 'cause of the drugs,

and I'm, like, la-la-la,

but I'll try to string a few words together.

You think you'd back down if I asked you to?

Only if you say "please," darling.

Aw, that's sweet. Go to the board.

Tell them you're stepping aside for personal reasons

and ask that they vote Marissa to be the new chairwoman.

And just turn everything over to our little junkie sister

who treats rehab

like winter vacation?

Oh, we're gonna need to move this along,

'cause this is usually when I shoot up.

MARTY: All right, your "junkie little sister"

has managed to take her company

well into the black.

Well, you already know this. I mean,

you've been moving ones and zeros off of her books

and onto yours for sometime now.

Do you want your old media holdings to thrive

in the digital age?

Why don't you turn the keys over to someone

who actually knows how to grow a business in-in this century.

Or you can let a big corporate raider swoop in

and break up your family legacy.

Your call. (phone chimes)

Hey, no, no, no, no. No, this is a good time.

Um, if you'll excuse me.

Doug?

Okay, well, now, we've drawn up

several modes for the transfer of equitable shares...

Hey, Julian?

Hey, I got to call you back.

Congratulations, looks like you're

well on your way to becoming a media mogul.

Yeah, Joel and Suzanne are gonna bite.

They're fucking cowards.

Yeah, but either way,

the company is vulnerable to a buyout.

I mean, sure, there's gonna be some work

to be done-- you have to restructure,

figure out what to keep, what to get rid of.

What, you're talking like I'm actually gonna buy it.

And... if I were to buy the company,

that's something you could help me with.

Absolutely, for a nominal fee. (chuckles)

Hey, it's not love that makes the world go round, right?

Goddamn right; you cannot buy a private jet

with a pocketful of love. (laughs)

So, you think that's the move? Listen.

If I were you, I would walk right back in there...

You would fuck over a friend for a couple extra bucks?

Take somebody you care about,

assure her that you're gonna be there for her,

and then yank the rug from under her feet.

It's a good thing you're not me.

And I'm sure as hell glad I'm not you.

DOUG: I mean, look at this-this piece right here.

Oh, yeah.

Gosh, he really does just seem tortured, doesn't he?

That's the perfect word, wow.

Hey, Sarah. Hi.

We were just talking about this painting.

Ugh. What do you think?

I'm sorry, it just doesn't move me.

I don't know. (laughs) Wow.

(chuckles): Wow.

Well, there's a certain grace and solemnity

that you're probably missing, I think.

No, I think I'm seeing the whole thing.

Yeah? I just don't find it all that fascinating.

No, God... Yeah, I mean, God, who are we

to define what great art is really?

Yeah. Well, it's not all subjective, is it?

What kinds of stuff do you like?

(sighs)

Uh, well, a friend and I saw

these really cool interactive proto-pop collages

at MOCA a few weeks ago.

Oh, yes, I heard about those.

They were very physical, and-and...

DOUG: Mm-hmm, right, right, right.

But is it art?

Hmm, up for debate, I think.

(smacks lips)

Ooh, my God.

I just got a hit from this one right here.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Sarah, there is nothing going on between me and Caitlin.

Yeah, like you could even get her.

Wow.

I'm sorry to interject.

But you think Caitlin's too good for Doug,

and you thought I had a thing for Doug?

No offense, Jeannie, but you do like to pass it around.

Yeah. Hi.

Nope.

I came here... Oh, God.

...to make a baby with you

and to connect, and you just treated me like shit.

Sarah, can we please not talk about this now? No!

Actually, Doug, I don't want to whisper

because I'm fucking angry with you!

Why? Baby, I don't care

that you don't understand abstract postmodernism.

Oh, my God. You know what?

This isn't about last night. What?

This has been going on for weeks.

What has? You're acting weird.

No, I'm not, I'm not. Yes, you are.

You're pulling away. And you know what?

I know that you're not coming every time that we have sex.

Like I don't know what a hot load feels like?

Oh, wow, you know,

you can totally have my seat if you want.

Oh, that's okay, I'm fine in coach.

Um...

You know how sometimes the acoustics

in a small space can... I heard "hot load."

"Hot load," yeah. That's what I heard.

That's what I thought. (clears throat)

No, no, no, no, no.

Jeannie's seat. JEANNIE: No, go for it, Clyde.

I'm fine over here.

Oh, thanks, Jeannie.

"Hot load," man.

(chuckles): Yeah.

Do you have any idea how much money I made your company today?

'Cause it feels fucking good on this side.

Yeah, well, how about we let the check clear

before we start cupping each other's balls?

(electronic bell chimes)

WOMAN: Welcome aboard.

(jet engine roaring)

Now that the captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign,

you may now move around and...

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that Sarah stuff, that'll blow over.

I'm gonna grab a drink.

Can I get you anything? Mm.

No root beer? Nothing like that? No.

Okay.

(sighs)

WOMAN: Anything else, just let me know. Thank you.

Appreciate it.

Hey.

Do you not want to be with me?

What? Why would you say that?

If you're not happy, then, um, let's just end this.

Whoa, hold on, "end this"?

Wh-Wha... (chuckles)

Where is this coming from?

Okay.

It-It's just a lot of...

new... all at once, right?

The speedy marriage,

the trying to have a baby, the things at work.

It's... it's confusing.

I'm... um, yeah.

It's confusing.

Either you're in it or you're not.

Which is it?

It's only two options?

(sighs)

I'm asking, I...

One of us needs to make a decision.

And until you can...

get your shit together,

we're done.

Hold on.

Hey... No. Please don't.

(piano playing gentle melody)

(knocking)

Can I come in?

Okay, can we just fucking talk about this?

'Cause I've had enough, man.

Yes, I stole the Carlson business from you.

But you know what? You fucking pushed me.

Oh, I get it. It's my fault. I'm not saying it's totally your fault,

but you got to take some... Clyde, wait a second, wait a second.

Have you heard of honor among thieves, Clyde? Okay?

We fuck them over.

We can't do that if we're spending all our time

trying to fuck each other over.

Yeah, but you sold me out.

Come on. Don't say "come on."

We were friends and you fucking sold me out.

Now, I'm not saying that justifies what I did,

but that's still fucked.

Yeah, but you did it anyway. We both fucked up. Both of us.

Don't forget that.

I can take ownership for my part.

Now I'm bringing you this big, fancy piece of business

as a peace offering, as a way for us

to start over, but I don't even know if it's possible, man.

Is it? Can we start over?

I... I mean...

Like Obamacare reboot start over?

Do you know how much work that is?

It's a lot of work, yeah.

Yes, like Obamacare.

I want it to be like Obamacare.

Yeah, good work today, man.

That's all I wanted to hear. How pathetic is that?

That's literally all I wanted to hear.

Pretty sad.

Want a drink?

If I drink, what happens? You get naked.

Right, can't we just fuck?

Just some snacks.

* Well, this is a game

* I wish it wasn't so

* Oh, before we get started

* There's one thing about it that you should know *

* Well, this is a game

* Please remember my words

* And don't get upset

* When you don't get what you think you deserve, oh. *

Meow.