Original subtitles

Here's pretty much

everything you need to know.

Fly away with me.

Anywhere.

Whatever happened with you and Agnet?

She was eaten by a rampaging giant.

A deal.

Not a soul to be seen within.

And there it is.

Health code violation.

For one case of the plague?

Who is this hysterical health inspector?

Hm?

What ho, Barkeep?

The tavern is closed.

And Hellibad is fled.

Fled?

From the health inspector?

From the IRS.

Oh.

What the devil is that?

The guys who make sure you pay your taxes.

No, not the IRF.

That!

Oh no!

It's her!

Who?

Agnet.

Sweet heaven!

Agnet.

What happened?

Where's my true love?!

Uh.

For the last time, Agnet.

I will never marry you.

Ugh, not you, Chlodwig.

Where is my sweet Jacopo?

'Twas my good fortune that the giant was old

and all but toothless.

I suffered an unpleasant gumming.

Ew.

So there is a super old giant out here,

chomping on people with his toothless old gums?

I managed to leap from his jaws for my life,

oh and now I wish only to find my prince.

Prince, hm.

Well, the last time we saw Jacopo,

he was running off trying to find a cave

to hide out in from the Tovenaars.

Well, the only caves out here are right up this way.

Ah!

Ah!

Who goes there?

'Tis I, Prince Chlodwig the Unstable.

And I, Princess Gretta the Besieged.

And Dwight.

How shall I know that you are truly the Principessa,

the Piggy Prince and the Champion Monkey Boy?

Gretta/Dwight/Chlodwig: Jacopo?

Jacopo?

My Jacopo?

Cara mia?

Jacopo!

Yah!

Oh my lost love.

My darling.

Quickly to the cave

before the undead skeleton demon finds us.

Never fear, Jacopo.

The Tovenaars are no more.

Sir Dwight vanquished them.

Oh.

Oh, who cares,

now that I have finally found my handsome prince

we may move on to the wedding plans.

Ah si, bella.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago

there was this princess, Gretta, and she was in big trouble

'cause she had lots of enemies and not a lot of friends.

So, her court magician, Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's big scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead,

Ahhh!

they got me.

Ahh!

Ow!

Play the fanfare Prince Chlodwig!

Read the scroll.

Hear ye, one and all.

The joyous pronouncement of the wedding

betwixt Agnet of the Troll Tower

and her chosen betrothed, Jacopo the Troubador.

The blessed ceremony will take place

at noon day tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

The invitation.

You are all invited to the happy occasion.

The gifts.

Bring a gift.

Now play the trumpet, you oaf!

It's official my love, we are engaged to be married!

Ah yes, my dream, but uh, tomorrow?

Isn't that only a day away?

A long engagement leads to nothing but misfortune.

Si, but tomorrow?

It gives the evil spirits more time

to curse the beautiful bride.

She does have a point.

Speaking of, Gretta.

Gretta, will you be my bridesmaid?

I suppose someone must.

So Sir Dwight, you must be Jacopo's groomsman.

Wow, oh, okay, sure,

but I still think one day is rushing things.

Si.

Is much too much of a rush.

There is no such thing as rushing into a marriage.

Okay, should we get changed?

Changed?

Between the engagement and the wedding--

Don't say that.

Wedding?

It is bad luck to say that word during an engagement.

Instead one should say day of joys,

or blissful occasion

or an answer to a maiden's prayer.

Between the engagement and the

the day of joys,

the bridesmaid wears the bride’s clothes

and the bride wears the bridesmaid’s clothes.

Oh.

Why?

To confuse the evil spirits

who are bent on cursing the bride and her

marriage.

And the groom will wear the groomsman’s clothes

and the groomsman will wear the groom’s clothes.

So that I get cursed instead of this guy?

Esattamente.

Ah.

You okay?

To ensure good fortune,

the groom must carry the bride over every threshold.

Oh, that sounds...

exhausting.

Just from the day of the engagement

to the day of their wedding.

Ugh.

Day of joys.

Is nobody else concerned that we are hosting a wedding--

-a husband and wife creating ceremony tomorrow,

and we don't even have a venue?

I know of an inescapable pit.

Come on, Gretta.

You're the bridesmaid and I'm the...

I'm the groomsman,

so we have to pull this thing together.

I have it!

This place has...

a lot of character, right?

Jacopo/Agnet:

You can set me down, my darling.

No, no, no!

Not here.

Um, over there is fine.

Yes, thank you.

So, I worked a miracle with the landlord

and we're good as long as nobody crosses

the quarantine tape to the kitchen.

Elves!

It's good luck to have elves at a wedding.

Blissful occasion.

Hi there.

You must be the bride and groom.

Congratulations.

We are Edenberry and the Elves.

They play Ren fairs and LARPing events.

And medieval-themed weddings.

Okay...

Try not to say wedding.

Lucky for us, they're available tomorrow.

Mm-hm.

That is lucky indeed.

Okay.

Guys, we just have to settle on a catering menu

and the bouquets.

Also, we have all the dresses in your size

available to rent from the bridal shop.

I will leave the trivial decisions to you.

I'm far too busy choosing a suitable cheese wheel.

Ah.

Translation?

The bridesmaid rolls a cheese wheel

down the aisle before the bride for good luck.

Fine.

It's your wedding.

Mmh, sorry.

Oh-ho-ho!

I love this song.

Dance with me, my Prince.

So tell me, my Prince.

After we are married, what next?

Never fear, dolcezza.

I am a man of ambition.

I have a little money set aside for the right

business venture.

Oh, no, no, no, my darling.

I was hoping to have a future with no cares,

only focusing on each other.

Oh.

How nice that will be.

The Troll Tower where I grew up

is standing vacant.

Troll... Tower?

Deep in the most uncharted woods

where never a soul ventures.

Never?

Not a soul?

No.

Oh, I have thousands of ideas on how to fix it up.

We can make it into our little love nest.

Just you, me, and a flock of children.

Flock?

Oh.

Thank you.

Forgive me but a moment, my...

adored one.

So, how did you two meet?

He rescued me from getting roasted by the orcs.

Wow.

And after tomorrow,

we shall run away to my Troll Tower in the woods

and never, ever, ever return.

That sounds amazing.

Well, we have each other.

What more do we need?

Okay, people.

Since we are actually going through with this thing,

I have a florist delivering the bouquets

and the centerpieces tomorrow morning.

And,

Popeyes fried chicken

will provide the chicken strips.

'Tis the cheese wheel we must find.

Gretta, come, come.

We must.

As my bridesmaid, you must come.

You must.

Jacopo?

You okay, man?

Certamente.

I am bound by the rules of chivalry.

Yeah.

Male singer: ♪ You're singin' our song, yeah. ♪

♪ La la la laaa.

♪ Your voice always carries to me. ♪

♪ So I'll listen as the days go by. ♪

♪ I'll listen as the days go by. ♪

♪ I'll listen as the years go by. ♪

♪ I'll listen as the years...

Thank you.

Male singer: ♪ ...go by.

Hey there, Jacopo.

How you feelin'?

Like a condemned man at the gallows.

Uhhh...

Well, weddings put a lot of strain on relationships.

But after today it'll just be you and--

The crazy woman.

Oh.

I'm trapped like a rat in the rat trap.

But the rules of chivalry.

I cannot break an engagement.

Dude, it's not too late to put the brakes on.

No.

I am a man of my honor.

Step forward, bridegroom.

What are you doing?!

Throwing a shoe at the groom for good luck.

Time to roll the cheese.

Step forward, bride.

Female singers: ♪ Oooooh, ooh

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Oooooh, ooh

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Oooooh.

We gather on this day of joys

to marry this man...

and this woman.

If anyone here objects to this marriage,

let them speak now.

Sorry, I gotta say something.

Audience/Agnet:

What?

No.

What are you doing?

Sit down this instant.

I just think this whole thing

was maybe a little bit rushed.

Oh.

You'd known each other for less than a day

when the giant gummed you, right?

And then you'd only been back together a few hours

when you got engaged.

And that was yesterday.

I mean, what is the big hurry?

Sir Dwight, I am terribly flattered.

You know I've always been fond of you.

But I am sworn to Jacopo.

No more, signorina.

I am a gentleman in that I step aside.

You are free, bella.

I wish you all the joy!

Oh!

Here I come!

Ohh, this day is mine!

Huh?

Wha--

I-I--

He's still got my clothes.

What have you done?

I couldn't let the guy marry a girl he doesn't love.

And you would rather marry the girl yourself?

What?

If a man objects to the wedding,

he must take the place of the groom

if the groom has stepped aside.

No way.

Or face the consequences.

Step forward, bridegroom.

I...

It turns out this is--

Oh, ow, ow, ouch!

a big misunderstanding.

Oh!

Okay, just breathe.

Breathe, breathe.

Step forward, bride.

Female singers: ♪ Oooooh, ooh

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Oooooh, ooh

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la-la. ♪

We must do something.

Female singers: ♪ Oooooh.

I have it!

I'll set fire to the window dressings.

In the commotion we shall escape through the quarantined kitchen

and start a new life in a far away land.

Ugh.

We are gathered on this day of joys...

to marry this thunder-headed poop-noddy

and this fluffy-headed dingbat.

If anyone here present objects to this marriage,

let them speak now.

Listen, Agnet.

This is what happened.

I--

I object!

Chlodwig!

I cannot stand by and watch my guy club brother

set a torch to his life.

Oh, Chlodwig.

I didn't think you still had feelings.

But I've already given my heart to Sir Dwight.

All of two minutes ago.

Oh, but I would hate to disappoint him.

No, no, no, we're cool.

I'm over it.

I'm, we're good.

He he he!

I seriously owe you, man.

Step forward, bridegroom.

We must save Chlodwig.

How?

The guy with the axe is still standing there.

We shall set the window dressings on fire

and during the ensuing panic

we shall flee through the quarantined kitchen

and start a new life for ourselves in a distant land.

Ugh, I must roll the cheese again.

You have the valor of a thousand men,

Prince Chlodwig.

I salute you.

Here comes the cheese.

Step forward, bride.

Female singers: ♪ Oooooh, ooh

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la-la. ♪

♪ Oooooh, ooh

Chlodwig, my prince.

How long I have dreamed of this moment.

We... are gathered here today

to witness an act of nobility and self sacrifice

the likes of which have never been seen before in this realm.

To marry this saintly man to this batty woman.

If anyone here present objects to this marriage,

let them speak.

Stop it Gretta!

No, you're not burning the building down.

I object.

Ohh.

Chlodwig?

Edenberry Elf?

Who?

Look, I know this is crazy

'cause we've only known each other

for like a day,

but you are the most amazing, authentic, and alive person

I have ever known.

And I feel like I understand you better than anyone

because you, you don't want real life.

Real life is just a day after day horror show

of alarm clocks and cubicles and emails

and conference calls and half-hour lunches

and twelve dollars for a bad sandwich

and mandatory overtime

and then you do it again tomorrow

and the next day and the next day

until you're old

and you have nothing to show for it

but a bunch of pay stubs

that add up to just like a very small number.

But you don't want that.

And neither do I.

Twelve dollar sandwiches?

Let us flee from it all, my queen.

Disappear into the great wilderness of the world,

never to return.

Step forward, bridegroom.

Female singers: ♪ Oooooh, ooh

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la-la ♪

Oh.

Uh-- Let's go.

Female singers: ♪ ...ooh

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la-la. ♪

And the cheese.

Step forward, bride.

Female singers: ♪ Sha-la-la-la-la,

♪ sha-la-la-la-la

♪ Oooooh, ooh

Mm-kay.

And here we are, again.

This odd little elf wants to marry

this pea-brained woman.

Anyone object?

Anyone?

No?

Ah.

Do you, Edenberry Elf...

Nathan Murray.

Whatever.

...take Agnet of the Troll Tower as your wife?

Answer yea or nay.

Yea.

And do you, Agnet of the Troll Tower,

take Edenberry Elf--

Nathan Murray.

Eh.

...to be your husband?

Yea.

Verily.

I now pronounce you, uh, elf and wife.

Nathan/Agnet:

Nathan/Agnet:

Bye!

And no more plague.

That's good news.

What about Hellibad fleeing the knights of the IRF?

IRS.

Who's running the tavern now?

Ahhh.

Principessa, Champion Boy, Piggy Brains.

Welcome to my Tavern!