Original subtitles

Ha, ha, ha.

Mm, ha, ha.

Baldric/Gretta: Oh!

Hey, Baldric--

Care for a smoovie?

Oh uh, thank you, no, Highness.

I must be off.

Whew!

What’s that stench?

Oh, uh.

Is that hawk’s blood with a splash of stallion sweat?

I-I-I smell nothing.

Beckon me if you need anything.

I uh, must bid you both a uh, good... day.

Whew.

Ah, Gretta--

You might want to slow down or you’ll get a serious--

brain freeze.

What is happening to me?

Um, okay.

A message for the princess!

Whoa.

Who are you?

A Herald.

Oh, hey Harold.

Enter, my good man.

What is your message?

All Citizens of the Realm

are summoned to trial,

to cast their vote in the fate of the wrong-doer.

The wrong-doer?

Recently apprehended.

Your presence is expected at the trial.

When is the trial?

Presently, Your Highness.

We assemble at the tavern.

Excellent.

Carry on, good Herald.

Oh, I uh, I got you.

Enjoy your smoovies.

Later, Harold.

Uuugghhh.

What?

I am bound by duty to give my vote on a jury.

Oh.

Jury duty, huh?

Ouch.

Ready for lunch..?

Hexie?!

Oh.

I have your witch.

If you ever want her back, come to the sunken castle.

And come alone.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta, and she was in big trouble

‘cause she had lots of enemies and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric, cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come, break the spell with his kiss,

and deal with Gretta’s big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead...

Ahhhh!

...they got me.

Ow!

Baldric!

Oh.

Sweet heaven..!

I am here, as you asked.

Have you come alone?

I have.

Oh, how romantic!

I know you--

You’re that brazen hussy of a witch from the Inn!

You remember.

Ugh.

Madgie, let me out of here!

Of all the absurd, outrageous pranks!

Oh, not a prank, sweetums!

A proposition.

My offer still stands.

Two prince earlobes for your hefty servingman.

Well I simply can’t sell him to you, Madgie,

much as I’d love to--

Hummpphh!

Because he’s not my servant.

He’s my...

Madgie/Baldric: What?

Magician... colleague.

Co-- You see madame, I am nobody’s servant.

Now, release this witch and good day to you!

But I don’t want a servant.

I have a servant.

Ho there.

How may I serve you?

Not now, Mann.

I’m looking for a sweet, adoring companion

to share the rest of my days.

So, Baldi-shmoo... may I call you Baldi-shmoo?

Under no circumstance.

Shall we run away together?

Just you and I and Mann to carry the luggage

and live lives of head-spinning romance

and breathless adventure?

Thank you, no.

We must be off.

You have already cost us our lunch reservation.

Oh, but won’t you reconsider?

Run, Baldric!

What in the--

Now see here, madame!

Madgie, my sweet, dear, unhinged little thing--

Psst, come here.

Come here.

You don’t want Baldric.

You can do so much better, my darling.

This big lumbering oaf--

He’ll bore you to tears in an afternoon.

I’m bored after five minutes.

No one asked you, Mann.

Honestly, darling, I fail to see the attraction.

I like his silky hair and his flowing beard,

his twinkly eyes, and his cute round cheeks,

and his broad, burly stature.

Oh!

And the way he says, “Now see here, madame!”

Boop!

Now see here, mad--!

Hands off my magician, you little tart!

Oh, so that’s how it is?

I suspected there was a little something

between you two.

Not even a bit of a something.

Hexela is only a... witch friend.

Not to worry.

It’s nothing a whiff of this won’t remedy.

Hexela/Mann: Is that..?

Mmmm-hmmm.

What?

Wh-What is it?

Adoration Aroma.

Ooh.

One little sniff and you’ll adore me forever.

But, mistress, wait..!

Stand back!

Hold your breath, Baldric!

Baldric!

Oh Madgie, how dare you!

You rotten, beastly little cheater!

Oh, as if you’ve never used a love potion before,

Hexie.

Well, what do you think of me now,

Baldi-shmoo?

I think you...

are a wallowing warthog of a witch!

Expired!

We must make more Adoration Aroma at once.

So, based on what you’re saying,

it’s just like the modern justice system.

Somebody did something bad

and as citizens of the realm, it’s your job to...

Why the cow?

That’s the wrongdoer.

Lord Steward: Hear ye, hear ye.

Today the fate of this beast shall be decided.

Of what is she accused?

My dear husband was minding his own business,

plowing his own field,

when this cantankerous old cow kicked him in the head

and nearly killed him!

I call to give testimony--

Angus Pewlet, Barber Surgeon.

Master Pewlet, you treated this man for his ailments,

did you not?

Aye.

I was called to his house two nights ago

whereupon his wife paid me a pot of milk

to examine his injuries and make a diagnosis.

And what was your diagnosis?

Pain of the head.

I prescribed a treatment of leeches,

applied twice daily.

For a headache?

Lord Steward: And how fares your patient now?

Neighbor's Wife: He’s worse than ever!

The poor man’s wracked with pain,

just look at him!

Oh.

Seriously?

You’re buying this?

Dude’s fine.

He just wrapped a bandage around his head.

The leeches probably did more damage

than the cow kick.

Shh.

And how do you plead?

You’re kidding.

It all comes, madame, from your misspent youth.

So I’m to blame, sir?

Your school friends are a horrid lot

of hideous harpies!

Well, be that as it may, this is all your fault.

My fault?

I came to rescue you!

If you weren’t so devilishly handsome

and utterly irresistible.

Well, this is true.

Is that scent of hawk’s blood with a splash of stallion sweat?

Maybe.

Oooh.

It shan’t be long now, Baldi-shmoo.

Listen here, you scheming she-devil--

Oh!

Call me Madgie.

Oh, or “Divine Darling.”

Mann, why are you standing there

with your teeth in your head?

Build. The. Fire.

Right away.

Lord Steward: And who speaks for this cow?

Cow's Owner: I tell you truly, Lord Steward,

my Lucinda is no evil beast.

She never set hoof in my neighbor’s field.

Liar!

That monster of a cow chased him down

and kicked his lights out!

It’s not true!

Lucinda would never hurt anyone.

Would you, girl?

See?

What happens if the cow is found guilty?

Almost ready!

Hazelnut shells.

Fairy Wings.

Moments away, my lover!

Baldric, we haven’t much time.

In a few moments,

your mind and your heart will no longer be your own.

And I shall never forgive myself.

Dried bat.

Half a dried bat.

Madgie/Baldric: What?

Half a dried bat, you ninny.

What are you doing?

Every witch in the world knows this recipe!

Mind your own business.

I know what I’m doing.

You’re right Baldric, this is all my fault...

for having such a vile and repugnant childhood friend.

Can’t even follow a simple recipe.

If only I had a better judge of character

when I was young we wouldn’t be here.

Now, now, Hexela.

Don’t blame yourself.

You said it and it’s true--

my tremendous animal magnetism is at fault and nothing else.

Last step, my sweetie sweetikins.

Quickly, Mann...

Zest of a prince’s earlobe.

Mistress, don’t do it.

He doesn’t deserve you.

Mann, what on earth?

He won’t make you happy.

He’s right-- I won't!

Ohh, of course you will!

You’ll have no choice.

He won’t know how you take your tea

or which are your favorite slippers...

He won’t know that you like whipped cream on your eggs--

Ewww.

and beetles sprinkled over your bathwater.

He won’t know that when you pull on your ear like that,

it’s not just an adorable, nervous gesture.

You’re actually checking to make sure

your ear didn’t fall off again.

Only a man who knows you so well and loves you so perfectly

could possibly make you happy.

That’s why I need you, Mann...

to teach him everything.

Lord Steward: Now that we’ve heard both sides,

it’s time for final pleas.

That’s it?

No one’s gonna present any actual evidence?

We’ve heard each side of the story.

Whom do you believe?

This is literally the epitome

of a he said, she said case.

Silence!

Peasant woman, do you have any final plea?

Neighbor's Wife: I most certainly do!

This cow has cost us our livelihood.

Without my husband’s labor, we’ll starve.

This devil cow should be slaughtered

to-to fill our bellies!

Neighbor's Wife: AND its owner should pay us 40 crowns!

I mean 50 crowns!

Milk man-- do you have a final plea?

Please don’t take my Lucinda.

She’s a good girl.

And the only milk cow to be had in twenty furlongs!

Poor cow.

Her fate is sealed.

Lord Steward: Are there any other pleas

before we cast our votes?

I have a plea, your honor!

Come forward.

Who are you?

My name’s Dwight.

And what have you to do with this case?

I’m a... Cow Advocate, your honor.

I speak for the cows.

Lord Steward: And what has the cow to say?

Before we go there,

I was hoping I could ask the guy on the stretcher

a couple of questions.

You say this cow chased you down in your field

and kicked you in the head?

'Tis true.

Well, how do you know it was this cow?

'Tis the only cow in twenty furlongs.

And you say that Lucinda here

has never set a hoof in your neighbor’s field?

Not a single hoof.

They’re always trying to steal her milk;

I have to keep her locked up in the barn.

Liar!

Thief!

And you--

You’re saying this woman paid you a pot of milk two nights ago

after her husband was kicked in the head.

Aye.

Well, if Lucinda’s the only milk cow

in twenty furlongs...

Where’d you get the pot of milk?

Cow Owner: They’re always trying to steal Lucinda’s milk!

And what might a cow do

if some dirtbag broke into her barn

and tried to steal her milk?

Why, she’d kick him good and proper.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

it’s possible that this cow chased this man down

in his field for no reason and kicked him in the head.

But it’s just as possible

that that man broke into this cow’s barn

and stole her milk,

which makes the cow’s kick a kick of milk defense.

Lord Steward: Citizens of the realm.

It is time to cast your votes.

Baldric, my darling-- what fools we’ve been.

We’ve had so many chances and we’ve squandered them all...

I should have told you years ago and every day since...

Hexela, I lo--

You sow!

Well, Baldi-shmoo?

Be honest.

How much do you love me now?

Love?

Pah!

Adore you!

I worship you.

You are my goddess.

My... Divine Darling.

Fly to my arms, my love!

I can’t fly--

Mann, let him out at once!

At once, Mann!

Over herrrre.

Holding you is like dancing

on a cloud of ethereal joy!

And what else?

You’re as light as a butterfly.

Madgie/Baldric: Ohhhh!

And what else?

You’re as beautiful as a plate of eggs

with whipped cream.

And what else?

Ohhh!

As mad as a cuckoo bird!

Boop.

Baldric?

You’re not...

you don’t... adore her?

I adore you, madame.

Let me OUT!!!!

Wait!

Not just yet.

Half a dried bat, if you please.

Oh-ho, madame!

That was your mistake!

Mann, if you know what’s good for you,

you’ll let me out of here right this second!

Zest of a prince’s earlobes.

Ready!

I-I don’t know, fellows.

She’s a beautiful, talented, and very angry witch

and I’m just--

Far better than she deserves.

You're welcome.

Oh.

Aren’t you dreamy?

Oh!

What now, my adored one?

We will live lives of head-spinning romance

and breathless adventure.

Yes!

I’ll get the luggage, my Divine Darling.

Citizens of the realm,

you have decided--

and in near unanimous numbers,

you have voted to find this cow...

innocent.

Yes! Yes!

Neighbor’s Wife: What?

No!

Neighbor's Wife: Ow, ow.

Lord Steward: You are... off the hook.