Original subtitles

Alex, darling, Andy and I are not the only people here. This is our moment.

You bet. It's a once-in-a-lifetime moment. These moments are going to sell like hot cakes.

Good for you, my dear Melissa, and very good for me.

Uh, yeah, Alex, why don't you spread yourself around.

I'd like some photos of my buddies for the scrapbook.

For the police archives?

OK, I'll leave you in peace for a minute. Where's your best man?

Uh, Dennis. Probably with the second-most-beautiful girl in the place.

You know, Mrs. Hays, watching Andy and your daughter dance...

gets me to thinking about my own wedding reception.

It was in an Italian restaurant.

And we waltzed to the music of Vinny Scavelli and his Paesanos.

I held Mrs. Columbo in my arms...

and she was as light as a moonbeam.

Oh, how nice.

Did I meet her?

Uh, no, ma'am. She's not here. She had to go to Chicago to look after her mother.

She fell and broke her hip.

Your wife?

Uh, no, ma'am. Her mother.

Oh. Poor thing.

She was having fun at the time, ma'am, learning how to skateboard.

-Oh, how nice! -Excuse me, Lieutenant, Mrs. Hays.

Cindy, I'd like you to meet Lieutenant Columbo, the groom's uncle.

Look this way. Very nice. Hey, Cindy. How are you feeling, Mrs. Hays?

Well, not too bad, thank you. Now, everybody, do sit down.

Alex, this is Lieutenant Columbo, Andy's uncle.

-How do you do? -And this is Alex.

He's the one who discovered Melissa. He made her famous.

I had that pleasure. Last summer. I was shooting a fashion layout in Malibu.

Melissa had just come down from Seattle and was on the beach with friends.

I thought she was stunning. I wound up taking more shots of her than the professional models.

When I showed the stuff to the head of the agency, that was it. She took off like a rocket.

-I never saw it happen so quickly. -Mrs. Hays.

I was just telling your husband what a great reception this is.

Most of it was Melissa's planning. And of course Sheldon paid the bills.

Sure did. A few more dollars, we could've built another shopping mall in Seattle.

Come on, Cindy, let's snap a few. Who knows? You may be my next great discovery.

Louise, my darling, it's way past your bedtime. Remember what the doctor said.

That medication is a nuisance.

Yes, dear.

Come on.

Just going upstairs.

Are you all right, Mother?

I'm fine, darling. Just a little tired. We'll talk in the morning, won't we?

We'll pop in before we leave.

Louise... sleep well.

Everything's been so lovely.

I'm very proud of you both.

-Good night, my darlings. -Good night.

-You haven't danced all evening. -It's been more fun watching you.

You're not gonna get away with that! Come on!

Come on, let's go!

-Oh Andy, you're a lucky son of a gun. -Don't I know it.

She's quite a gal.

I just had a thought. Where I come from, it's customary...

for the buddies of the groom to kidnap the bride on her wedding night.

-Sergeant, what do you think? -Is that so?

It's a hoot. Andy, you better keep an eye on her.

Now, don't you try anything unless you want a broken neck.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

I'm gonna go talk to a couple of the other guys. Plus I gotta keep'em away from my girl.

You don't think that joke would get up to anything, do you?

He was just kidding.

-But I'll keep an eye on him anyway. -Do that.

Get a load of Fred Astaire.

Hey, where did you learn this stuff?

Mrs. Columbo taught me.

She loves to dance. It's about the only exercise I get. It wears me out.

Well, go, baby, go!

I faithfully promised the newlyweds they'd be out of here by 11.

They're leaving first thing in the morning for a place where even the tabloids...

won't discover'em for a couple of weeks, we hope.

Melissa, my dear, your mother's upstairs resting.

But we both want you to know that we are full of joy and pride...

for our beautiful daughter...

for this fine young man, Andy, whom we welcome into the family.

Continued happiness to you both. May you prosper and multiply.

-That last is a request for a grandchild. -Hear! Hear!

I think we should have a word from the groom's uncle.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lieutenant Columbo.

Now, Andy, if my sister Mary and your father Dan were still with us...

I know that they would be just as delighted with Melissa as I am.

She's... well, she's just special.

And, come to think of it, she's not a bad dancer either.

Mr. Hays, you and Mrs. Hays aren't losing a daughter, you're gaining a police force.

Yeah!

Andy, Melissa, health and happiness to you always.

Thank you. We love you all.

Hold it.

Great. Andy, do me a favor.

One picture I don't have. For old times' sake, me and Melissa.

It'd be my pleasure.

-Is it, uh...? -It's all ready.

-Thank you. For everything. -You're welcome.

And one for me.

Bye-bye!

Gosh, you're beautiful.

-Why does this feel so strange? -I know! It does, doesn't it?

Mrs. Parma.

-We're like a couple of moonstruck kids. -Yeah.

-Go take a shower. -Oh...!

Let me get out of this.

Oh. Yes.

Please.

Right away, ma'am.

I'm all yours, Mrs. Parma.

Melissa?

Liss?

Mulrooney. That joker. I'll kill him.

-Bar here. -Is there a Detective Dennis Mulrooney there?

Anyone by the name of Dennis Mulrooney?

Yeah, that's me. Excuse me.

-Yeah? -Dennis.

-Hey, Andy. -Where's Melissa? You took her, didn't you?

Whoa, take it easy, buddy. Not guilty. I was just joshing about the kidnapping.

-I got more important business on my mind. -She's not here. Where is she?

Maybe she forgot something, came down to pick it up...

got into a conversation with somebody.

There's still a lot of people down there. It's a nice party. You want me to look around?

-No, I'm coming down. -You're coming down?

-I'll be right there. -OK.

Melissa...

I nearly escaped, but Melissa's dad, Mr.Hays nailed me for some advice...

on where to open one of his malls down here.

What do I know? He was asking for good low-crime areas. That's a tough one to answer.

He's quite a guy. Great talker. I couldn't get away from him.

He was moving in on Sergeant Goodman as I was leaving.

I'm glad you had me paged. I was kind of surprised that you'd want to see me...

tonight.

What's the matter?

Smell this.

-It's chloroform. -Melissa's gone.

Somebody took her.

Somebody what?

Kidnapped her!

Andy, what are you saying?

It happened when I was in the shower. When I came out, she was gone.

-And this was here? -Yes.

What was she wearing?

Everything's here.

She must've been in her underwear.

-When did it happen? -Look, I told you. I was in the shower.

-How long? -Um, not long.

No valuables taken.

Only the most valuable thing in the world.

What's this doing here?

That I found on the floor. The other's missing.

Where was it?

Uh, right there.

Where was the wad with the chloroform?

That was by the drapes.

What time did you go in the bathroom?

Let's see... We got up here about 11:15.

Then we talked for a bit... not much.

-Then she told me to go take a shower. -Told you?

We were just joking. We just both felt foolish for some reason.

Someone listening outside the door might've heard her say that.

-Say what? -"Take a shower."

If he heard it, he'd know you were in there.

It's not forced.

Prints from the handles won't be much use, you used them a couple of times since then.

-I'm real sorry about that, officer. -OK, Andy. OK.

He wouldn't carry an unconscious woman out this way, through the hotel.

He might've sneaked her into one of these rooms nearby, or...

he'd be much more likely to carry an unconscious woman down the fire stairs.

"An unconscious woman"?

Hold this. We don't want it self-locking on us.

"Unconscious woman"?

That's Melissa you're talking about. My wife.

You're my uncle, for Pete's sake! She's related.

He could've taken Melissa out this way. That's what I'm checking on.

How long were you in the shower?

-Ten minutes or so. -Did you hear anything?

I was in the shower, enjoying myself, singing. What could I hear?

OK, Andy. So you got out around 11:30, 11:35?

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, chances are he came this way.

Let's get back to the room.

It seems like Melissa's dad has plenty of money...

so whoever did this could've done it for ransom.

On the other hand, you being a cop, it could involve you.

Could've been revenge.

Revenge?

You put some guys behind bars,

you used a gun on a couple of 'em. Somebody might want to get even.

-You got a cigarette? -I thought you gave'em up.

I did. You got one?

Got these.

Thanks.

Hell of a wedding.

Get on the phone and call Sergeant Goodman. Tell him I'd like him in on this. And Mulrooney.

Goodman's big on kidnapping.

Have him call the lab, get somebody over here to dust for prints.

Ask him to lay on a phone tap. I'll clear it with the hotel.

You guys go over everything you know. I'm gonna take a look outside that fire escape.

Hey, Andy.

Yeah?

Hang in there. We'll find her.

Front desk.

Please put me through to Mr. Dennis Mulrooney at the bar.

Who the devil is it?

Lieutenant Columbo, L.A.P.D.

-If you're a cop, where's your uniform? -I'm a plain-clothes detective.

You got any ID?

I'd sure like to talk with you for a few minutes...

if you don't mind.

I'm Bill Bailey. Come on in.

Is this the kitchen of a restaurant?

They like to call it that.

That's smoke grease on the window. Disgraceful, ain't it?

-What do you do here, Mr. Bailey? -I'm the cleaning man.

Some of that dirt... never come off.

But it'll be a darn sight better when I get through with it.

-What time did you start work tonight, Mr.Bailey -Call me Bill. Like in the song.

People are always asking me, "Why don't you go home, Bill Bailey?"

They all say it like nobody ever thought of it before.

What time did you start, Bill?

Ten o'clock.

But these people don't even notice me. Don't give me the time of day...

They seem to think I never been here.

Where do you live, Bill?

West L.A., off Pico. 134 Neptune Street.

Did you happen to see anybody out in the yard sometime after 11 o'clock?

You mean people? I never seen anybody.

-But you did see something? -Yeah. A van. A white van.

The driver had backed it all the way into the alley. That's what made me notice it.

Most of the delivery men pull in headfirst...

then they back out when they're through unloading.

What kind of deliveries do they make after 11 o'clock on a Sunday?

Nothing that I know of.

You got some kinda interest in that van? Was it stolen?

No, just a routine investigation, Bill. Did you see the driver?

Told you. Didn't see nobody.

Heard the van backing in.

By the time I looked out the window, the driver had gotten out and walked away.

-You looked out that window? -Yeah.

I'm used to looking through it when I hear something real interesting outside.

Sometimes the hotel bellhops...

sneak the chambermaids out in the back when they think nobody can see'em.

I can barely see the hotel from here. But you say the van was white?

-Yeah. What part of it I could see. -What part was that?

The back end, where the doors are.

Was there any writing on it?

Nothing as I could see. It was white.

But I can tell you what time it left. Exactly 11:30.

How would you know exactly?

I was taking off my watch, so I could scour the pots and pans.

I heard the van doors open and shut, like something was being loaded in the back.

Did you look out the window again?

No, sir. I didn't.

Quiet.

How long will it take to lay in that phone tap, fellas?

15, 20 minutes.

-Can someone call in while you're working on it? -You bet.

-Any call comes through, we'll hear it. -If it does, let Detective Parma take it.

You got it, Lieutenant.

It's usually soon, you say, Robert?

That's the pattern.

Kidnappers, they like to gloat a while. Not too long. The adrenaline's pumping.

They want the money fast. They want to get to you while you're still in shock.

But you'd be surprised how many kidnappings for ransom we never even hear about.

People pay up, and if the kidnapped party's safely returned, that's the end of it.

Yeah, sure. I give them my cop's salary and they hand over Melissa right away?

-Great ransom. -Top Models make all kinds of money, right?

But Melissa's only been in the business 18 months...

and most of what we saved went into the house we bought.

-Her dad's got plenty, right? -He told me he owns eight shopping malls.

Yeah, and about half the other real estate in Seattle.

There was an article on him in the L.A. Times.

When are we gonna tell him what happened?

Well, there's no point in opening that can of peas yet. His wife's none too well.

Leave them in peace until there's no choice.

If it's ransom, we'll hear soon enough soon enough.

If it's something else, let's work on it. Any notes, threatening letters?

Fingerprints!

Hi, Joe. Glad it's you. We're in a real hurry here.

All I need is the door.

Forget the handles - we all touched them plenty.

Hit the door surface and the door frame.

Somebody carried somebody out this way. He might've put out a hand for support.

When you're done here, do the same thing to the fire escape down the corridor to the left.

Door, walls, the works.

-OK? -You got it, Lieutenant.

And Joe, ask the boys at the lab to put a rush on it for me, will you?

No problem.

There's no sense letting this stuff go to waste. Anybody?

-I'll get it. Andy, you want some? -Thanks.

Revenge. You guys come up with anything on that while I was gone?

Andy blew a guy away a few years ago.

Tell the lieutenant, Andy.

About three years ago... and this is long before I met Melissa...

I was dating this girl. Cherie was her name.

One night, we were in a club in North Hollywood and some drunk came busting up to the table...

and asked Cherie how it felt to be dating a cop while her husband was doing time.

Who was the guy, the drunk?

-Albert Wagner. -Yeah, but I found that out later.

I let the club bouncer take care of him.

But driving home, Cherie told me it was her ex-husband Billy, the drunk's brother...

who was serving the last couple of weeks of his sentence. He sure got out on time.

One late night, the two of them jumped me right outside my apartment.

Cracked a rib, busted my head before I could get my gun out.

Billy tried to take it from me and I had to shoot him.

Died right there in his brother's arms.

What happened to the brother, Albert?

He swore he'd get back at me if it was the last thing he ever did.

The judge gave him three years for assault 2, class D felony.

-And you say this was three years ago? -About.

All through here, Lieutenant. I'll go hit the fire escape.

Thanks, Joe.

-Sergeant, will you check if Wagner's out? -Sure.

Soon as these guys clear the out line. How's it coming?

Four or five minutes.

You know what's on this, don't you, Andy?

By heart. "Be my guest, love M."M for elissa. She left that for me as a surprise. What about it?

"Guest" is what it's about. Suppose it was a guest that did this.

Suppose it was somebody at the wedding.

-No. They were all family and friends. -All of them? How many do you know?

Most of them were Melissa's. A whole lot from the magazine business. Editors, models...

But how many do you know?

About 20%.

See what I mean? We're gonna have to check'em all. Where's the guest list?

-I don't have it. -You don't have it?

-We made it out and gave it to Mr. Hays. -The parents of the bride.

Yes, it's the parents of the bride that send out the invitations to a wedding.

Sorry to bother you, Mr. Hays.

What the heck, Lieutenant? It's almost 1:30.

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't bother you, but this is kind of important.

It better be. My wife overdid it tonight. She's extremely unwell.

I've given her some medication, but I don't want to disturb her. Can't it keep?

I'm afraid not, sir.

Come on in.

We'll talk in my bedroom. Shh.

Around here.

So, what's on your mind this time of the night?

Mr. Hayes, I have a great deal of respect for you, so I'm not gonna beat the bush.

Your daughter was kidnapped.

Melissa was abducted from the bridal suite shortly after they went upstairs tonight⋯

while Andy was in the shower.

We know she was chloroformed. For now, we don't know who did it, but we're working on it.

I'm glad to hear that. Why wasn't I informed earlier?

One reason was out of consideration for your wife...

and the other was that I felt it served no useful purpose until I had more information.

-I'm a big boy, I could've taken it. -Yes, sir.

No matter, no matter.

The first thing that comes to mind is ransom, she being the daughter of a rich man.

No doubt if you're working on it as you say you've taken that under consideration.

Let me make it crystal clear.

If this is a ransom demand, whatever amount, I'll pay instantly. No questions asked.

But, let me emphasize, no police histrionics.

I'll pay. When my daughter's returned, then and only then you can go in with guns blazing.

-You understand? -Clearly, sir.

What is being done?

Everything possible.

One thing you can do to help, Mr. Hays...

I need the guest list in order to check out everybody who was at the wedding tonight.

You suspect it might have been someone already in the hotel?

We don't know anything for sure, but that's one area we need to follow up.

Well, let's not waste any more time. Time, I imagine, is of the essence in these matters.

Yes, sir. Time is everything.

Well...

Now, here are names, addresses, telephone numbers...

of everyone who received an invitation. Complete.

Thank you. May I ask you, Mr. Hays, who took that photograph?

-Alex. -Alex.

He was at the wedding and the reception, wasn't he?

It's in the garden of our home, in Seattle.

Oh, Melissa!

Well, good hunting, Lieutenant.

I'll keep you informed, sir.

I appreciate that. But I want you and everyone else involved...

to make sure not a word of this reaches my wife. Nothing in the papers, nothing on TV. None of that.

It would kill her if she heard about this in her present condition. Understood?

I promise you to keep it quiet, sir.

Thank you.

Anybody call?

Nothing yet.

But I checked on Wagner. He's been out a couple of weeks.

I'm on my way to a snitch I know. You ever meet him? His name's Comfort.

Uh, no, but I heard of him. Tubby, isn't it? Tubby Comfort?

He's got the dirt on every crook in town. Makes a nice few bucks on the side informing on'em.

Spends half his nights in some Arabian steam bath. Gonna see if he has anything on Wagner.

-That the list? -Yeah.

-How was Hays? -Tough. He's something else.

-I'll see you. -Yeah.

The photographer who was called Alex looked like he never stopped taking pictures.

What was his second name?

Varrick... Alex Varrick. Why?

We're gonna need photos of everybody to match faces with names..

Until everybody at the wedding is accounted for.

While I'm away, you guys go through this list.

You check all the names you know.

If you don't know'em and you know somebody who might know'em, call'em.

Use the spare phone.

Melissa, my love.

When I remove the tape...

don't scream.

It would be useless to scream. This place is not near to anyone who could hear you.

Only me.

Behind the black paint is hollow glass building blocks.

Like this. And these are excellent insulation against sound.

Screaming would only strain your vocal chords.

And it would irritate me.

So please, my love, don't do it.

Because if you irritate me, I may be tempted to use the blade on you.

And I don't wanna do that.

Not yet.

I'm sorry I had to tie you up. It was necessary at the time.

Be...

be still.

The least hurtful way to do this is with one quick pull.

See?

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Ohh!

Speak to me, my love.

I adore hearing that lovely voice in those commercials of yours.

I've made us some tea.

Would you like some?

Darjeeling.

It's very nice.

Where's Andy?

Andy?

Where is my husband?

You have no husband, because the marriage has not been consummated.

But... with regard to the man I saw go through that bogus wedding in the church...

we left him in the shower.

He should be dry by now.

-Do you know that he's a policeman? -Oh, yes, yes, indeed.

I read all the marriage announcements.

Detective Andrew Parma. Mm-hm.

What do you want with me?

I'm devoted to you. And I desire your love.

And you will give it to me.

Now... your tea will be getting cold.

Don't tell me you're not thirsty. Come on, have a cup. Hm?

Water.

I'll have some water.

Silly silly.

Light.

Can I have some real light in here?

I don't like the dark.

Please.

Perhaps...

Yes, perhaps you'll be nicer to me then.

Welcome, sir. Please sign in.

You will leave here a new man, your cares perspired away. You'll ha...

Cut the crap. If it weren't for the fact this dump keeps a bunch of weirdoes off the street...

we'd have it shut down in five minutes.

-Tubby Comfort here tonight? -Mr.Comfort is indeed enjoying his usual steam bath.

Right on Wilshire, left on Sunset, right on Laurel.

This guy lives in the hills.

Tubby, where the hell are you?

I never forget a face and I never forget a voice.

Do I have the pleasure of welcoming Sergeant Goodman?

Bear to the right a few degrees and you will discover the fount of all knowledge.

Jeez, it must be over 200° in this place.

Oh, the heat is good for ya. Helps the fat.

Cut the fat jokes, Tub. I got a rush job for you. Wagner, Albert.

-He had a brother called Billy. -He tried to take a cop's gun away from him.

Mm. Delightful family.

I hear that his sweetheart of a brother got out early for good behavior.

Do you want Albert's address so you can add it to your Christmas card list?

How'd you guess?

$100 of the taxpayers' money on account...

to cover the phone bills for my secret numbers.

200 more...

when I make your dream come true.

Who the blazes are you?!

I'm here, sir! Where are you?

On the balcony! Who the devil are you?

Lieutenant Columbo, sir. Can we talk? It's rather urgent.

It's the middle of the night!

I really appreciate this, Mr. Varrick, and I'm sorry about...

Oh, what's the problem, Lieutenant?

I'm afraid I can't go into details. I can say it involves one of the Hayses.

Mrs. Hays? She looked pretty sickly to me.

No. To the best of my knowledge, Mrs. Hays is all right for the time being.

-Mr. Hays? -He's in some trouble. And it might get worse.

-What do you mean it might get worse? -Emotionally and financially.

What does that mean? Can't you tell me something else?

I can say that it's serious.

Well, I like the guy...

Dotes on Melissa.

Wanted her to be a doctor before the fame happened.

Never even squawked, gave her all kinds of support.

Yes. He's very fond of her.

Does Melissa know about this?

It would be best to keep it from her.

Well, what can I do?

I want copies of all the photos that you took at the wedding.

Church, reception. Group pictures in particular.

What would you do with them if you had them?

Eliminate everyone who can be recognized.

I hope you'll help me with that. All unknowns will be considered suspects.

My studio and lab are up here.

I have a session with Eileen Hacker at eight this morning. Maybe you met her at the reception.

Toughest editor in the business.

She's doing a six-page spread on the wedding and she's got a deadline.

You're in luck. My assistant's processing the stuff right now.

You're absolutely right. The lamp does make it much nicer. It's much more cosy.

That's it.

I knew you'd be thirsty with that awful tape on your mouth.

Have some more?

I think I'm being very considerate.

Have a cookie.

How long are you going to keep me here?

That's better. Let's converse. We'll be civilized.

Um...

How long? In this room?

Till three o'clock in the afternoon. And then we'll prepare.

3:45 was when my mother said she was married...

and that's precisely the time that we'll do it.

Do what?

You'll see, my love.

It'll be glorious.

It's a pity my mother can't be here to see it.

Where's your mother?

She's had her throat cut. She's in heaven, my love. She's waiting for us.

Did somebody kill her?

Uh, yes.

My father.

He was a doctor. A surgeon.

Very famous.

I was gonna be a surgeon myself.

But some things are just not meant to be.

Te...

tell me about it.

He was a beast. He was...

always bullying my mother and making her cry.

One day I heard them fighting in the bedroom. That was the worst time.

I was eight years old, listening at the door, and I heard her screaming.

Then it stopped.

And I ran into the room and there she was. She was lying on the bed.

There was all blood up here.

He'd cut this wide open...

with one of these.

Really?

And then he saw me and he did the same thing to himself.

That's it, my love. You rest.

I dissolved a sleeping pill in the mug before I brought it in. It's very quick, very strong.

I'm gonna have half of one myself, make me sleep awhile.

And then I'll go to my work.

We'll be refreshed.

We must be refreshed for the ceremony, mustn't we?

Lieutenant, these are the last two blown-up group shots you asked for.

Mr. Varrick, I know you're tired, sir. One more question.

Would you say everyone who was at the church and reception is...

covered by the photos you're giving me?

Well, with these and the bunch over yonder, they're covered plenty.

Alex, if you want everything ready for your meeting, I'd better get back to work.

I've got some catching up to do.

I surely appreciate the extra time you're spending.

Don't mention it. Nice wedding.

Mr.Varrick, when Mr.Hays hear about this, he's going to be as much in your debt as I am.

-Well, I hope it works out for you both. -Yes.

One more thing.

What's that?

Would you mind marking all the people you recognize in these two new photographs?

Then I can snooze for an hour?

I hope so.

You know, these are wonderful for marking photographs.

Would it be all right if I, uh, borrowed one to take with me?

You know what, Lieutenant?

Be my guest.

Check this guy against yours.

I got this guy. You got this guy?

My sister, Marsha Finch.

Her son and daughter, Mark, Veronica.

Veronica.

And son Mark.

Marsha Finch and children.

And this is Nathan Smyth, my accountant, and his wife Rebecca.

Melissa's godparents.

Nathan Smyth...

and Rebecca.

This is the last of everyone that my wife and I knew.

I better get back. She may be awake.

I left a note saying that I'd gone to the exercise room.

And another, shall we say, white lie will be needed.

She's expecting Andy and Melissa to stop by before they go to the airport.

What time is it?

6:40, sir.

Doesn't look very promising for a ransom call does it.

Well, you never know, sir.

Morning, fellas.

Andy. What do you got?

Three faces unaccounted for.

One man, two women. And you circled all the singles, like I said. Sergeant?

Two unidentified men. Singles. All circled.

That's three men, two women.

One man, one woman.

That's four men, three women... unidentified.

I don't have any of those. I have five singles.

We've covered everybody, right? Cops, other friends of Andy's.

With the help of Varrick, we've accounted for Melissa's friends, magazine people...

models, designers, editors, makeup and hair people, everybody she invited.

And with the help of Mr. Hays, we've accounted for...

family and friends, husbands and wives, other couples.

What are we left with?

We're left with a bunch of identified singles and seven faces nobody knows.

Four men and three women.

Look at this.

Here. "Norman Aylesbury. Single. Bring partner."

Here again. See it? "Brenda Mosley. Single. Bring partner."

That leaves five singles on this page all with the same remark, "bring partner".

Three there. Six there.

How many's that altogether?

That's 15. One plus five plus three plus six. That's 15.

Yeah, 15.

We have 15 known singles that were invited to bring a partner.

Some did, some didn't.

We have seven unidentified faces. Four men, three women.

We don't know which single brought which partner.

We're gonna have to check'em. All 15. Personally.

Call'em. Go see'em. Show'em the photographs.

Have them identify the unidentified.

We're gonna need more guys to do the footwork.

It's time to get to the squad room.

It's a little early for the Captain, but I'm gonna call him...

to see if he can spare some fellas.

Andy. It's you who has to take it.

-Hold it. Robert, tape. -Got it.

This is Andy Parma.

Uh, hold on, please.

It's for you.

Goodman here.

Brother Wagner's at the Barclay Hotel, room 212.

Tubby. He's traced Wagner.

Are you sure it's him?

Jack, the night clerk, knows him.

And let's not have any trouble for Jack. Like he doesn't want Albert to hear who fingered him.

When did Wagner check in?

About midnight.

Alone?

With a chicky.

Sorry to bother you so early, Captain. We need help.

OK, Columbo, what's the problem?

Was the girl ambulatory?

"Ambulatory"?!

Dammit, did she walk in or did he carry her?

Oh, why would he carry her? On the other hand, it might've been a good idea.

Jack did say that she was spaced out, like... she was on something.

Three guys could do it. I'd sure appreciate it if you could spare'em.

I should've been told about this earlier.

I didn't want to bother you till we had something positive.

Is there anything else I should know?

Jack said that he saw a nasty weapon in Albert's belt as he helped the chicky up the stairs.

Right, Captain. I'll send Mulrooney over with the photos.

He'll have'em copied and he'll tell the guys what's needed.

How long?

He'll be at the squad room in 20, 25 minutes.

So will I. Tell him I'll expect a full report.

You'll have it, Captain.

Stop griping, Tubby. You know I always deliver. No expense spared.

Oh, bye-bye, sweetheart.

Where's Wagner?

Barclay Hotel, room 212.

You heard what I said to the Captain?

I sure did, Lieutenant. I'm on my way.

Let's go.

"Good morning, my love. I left some diet, ha ha, food for my lovely model."

"Oil and vinegar to taste. The tape is one of my favorites."

"See you after work. Soon, love, soon."

So you've gone to work, have you?

Good boy.

Andy, where are you?!

Where are all those cops I married into?

Stop being silly, Melissa. Think.

So that's your favorite music, is it?

Let's see about this window.

Freeze! Police!

Don't move, you scum.

Where's my wife?

I'm gonna get you, you pig!

Talk, or you're dead meat! Where is she?

Hold it, Andy!

We're the police. What's your name?

Sam.

Sam?

Samantha.

How long have you known this man, Samantha?

Last night. Just last night.

Where'd you meet him?

Bar. In a bar.

What time, miss?

I don't know.

Nine? Ten? Eleven?

The... the ball game was on TV.

Did you spend the evening with this man?

He had some stuff and I needed a fix really bad.

-Shut your trap! -Shut yours!

Bitch!

What were you doing before you came here?

Drinking beer.

He gave you this?

-Yes. Can I have it? -Book him.

Beginning to like that stuff.

You're cracking up, Melissa.

Oh, God!

Help me, God. Why did he let it rust? Why didn't he oil it?

Rust!

Vinegar kills rust. "Vinegar does this, vinegar does that."

Thank you, Mother dear, for all the lectures, and thank you, God.

First the vinegar.

Let it soak, Melissa.

Don't rush it.

Give it time.

Then... the oil.

Coffee, buddy?

Sure.

-You found all 15? -Yeah, with the help of these three guys.

Some of the singles weren't too happy. Still sleeping off the party.

This isn't a holiday camp. How about you three get back to your desks?

Thanks a lot, fellas. What's the breakdown?

Uh, I marked'em all on the guest list.

Nine went without partners, six took partners with them.

Everyone's accounted for here on the guest list.

All the singles are circled and crossed...

and six of the identified partners circled and crossed.

That accounts for six of the seven unknowns.

And here's the one that's left.

30-35, blond.

Last pew. Sitting alone.

Good-looking guy. Tall, about 180lbs.

Let's take a closer look.

Yeah, he's good-looking all right.

Gimme. No joy on the fingerprints?

Half a dozen different sets on the door. All kinds in the fire-exit area.

Nothing in criminal records, Captain.

I don't know what you're waiting for, Columbo. We got one clear shot here.

Blow it up, copy it, rush it to every TV station in town, every newspaper.

You wanna find the guy, that's the way to get moving on it.

I got some interest in this. Let me look at this guy close.

-Don't look good-looking to me. -Me neither.

We got no ransom call, nothing came through the hook-up on the hotel phone.

Forget ransom. I know what you guys have been thinking from the start.

But you wouldn't say it to me. Let's not kid ourselves any longer.

Weirdo, right?

OK. OK, OK.

Let's say this guy is some freak...

and he sees himself on TV. What might that make him do, Captain?

I don't like saying this to you Andy...

but what's he gonna do he wouldn't do anyway?

It might make him do it quicker.

There's something else, Captain. Mrs. Hays, Melissa's mother, she's a very sick woman.

She knows nothing yet.

I promised Mr. Hays not to do it this way.

What else is there?

What time is it?

Six minutes after nine.

We couldn't do it before, but we can do it now. They're open now.

What are you talking about? Who's open?

Car dealers.

There's one witness you don't know about, Captain. This guy Bailey.

He saw a white van at the back of the hotel...

near the fire exit, about the time it happened.

All he says he saw is a white van.

But people sometimes see more than they thought they saw.

Maybe if we could jog his memory, he could come up with something more specific.

Let me have those three extra guys.

We'll hit every dealer in town, get brochures of every type van...

show'em to Bailey.

We might get lucky.

You got'em.

You three, you're with Lieutenant Columbo.

Thanks a million, Captain. Let's go.

Let it go!

Santa Monica Boulevard, Sarge, there's a stack of manufacturers. Nothing else for blocks.

-Better than Washington Boulevard? -Yeah, they're all closer.

-What about Ventura? -No. Santa Monica's better. I live around there.

Bought my Mustang from a used-car dealer on that block.

They're all there. Chevrolet, Chrysler, Dodge, Ford, Nissan, Toyota. You name it.

What's up, Lieutenant?

I just remembered where Varrick is.

You boys carry on.

I'll know where to find you. Just carry on.

Carry on.

Taxi!

More oil, Melissa.

OK...

Come on, baby.

Come on.

Absolutely not, sir. Ms Hacker and Mr. Varrick are in conclave.

Conclave, ma'am?

Ms Hacker has a deadline to meet...

and has left strict instructions not to be disturbed under any circumstances.

Mr. Varrick knows me. Just tell him I'm here.

She said not under any circumstances.

This is an urgent circumstance.

You're not going to arrest either of them, are you?

You must be joking, ma'am.

Of course. Come back this afternoon.

Ma'am, which door is it?

I mean, my goodness, you don't want me to have to try all of 'em, do you?

Sir!

Miss. Eileen Hacker! Forgive me, ma'am, for arriving unannounced.

Alex told me about you. He said you were the best.

Boy, look at this layout! I'm the groom's uncle, ma'am...

and I can tell you that Melissa...

she is gonna go to the moon when she sees what you're doing for her.

Good morning, Alex. How are you after our night together?

Alex? You know this bundle of fun?

Alex is just fine, Lieutenant.

Eileen, if you want someone to break into Fort Knox, Lieutenant Columbo's your man.

You wouldn't guess it, but he's a police detective.

What can I do for you? And, uncle or not, will you please make it quick?

Yes, ma'am. We wouldn't want to worry Melissa on her honeymoon, would we?

I should certainly hope not. She's a delightful girl.

In order to avoid worrying her...

I have to pick up something from Mr., uh... Alex real quick.

A little matter concerning her father. He'll tell you about it after you beat your deadline.

I'm consumed by curiosity. Especially about the night you spent together.

Did we, uh... did we Miss. something?

-Yeah. That's it. -What?

That smile, right there.

When you had your arm around Melissa with that look of yours.

When you gave your camera to Andy. Where's that picture?

Oh, yes, the one of me and Melissa and the other shots in the lobby.

I didn't remember myself until I couldn't find me anywhere.

Then I realized it was on part of a roll that was still in the camera. Here they are.

I can't imagine what use they'd be to you.

Oh, I love that one of Melissa and Alex.

Simply divine. That's definitely going in. The discovery and the discoverer.

Do either of you recognize this man?

Uh... no. I've never seen him before.

I've no idea who he is.

Uh...

-Could I, uh... borrow a magnifying glass? -Oh, yeah. Sure.

Um...

Let me ask you. Do you think I could borrow this picture for a couple of hours?

It's not one of my best. I mean, Andy looks good...

but you can barely see anything of Melissa's face.

You can keep it. Don't you agree, Eileen?

That's a discard if ever I saw one.

Thank you very much. I appreciate the time, Ms Hacker. It's been a real pleasure.

And when this issue hits the stand, I'm gonna pick not one up, but two.

One for my wife. She's gonna love it.

Thanks... Alex. I owe you another.

OK. Good luck.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

That's as good as we're gonna get.

Can we see it under a magnifier?

Moving right along, Lieutenant. Moving right along.

How's it look?

Take a peek.

R-a-m-s-e-y.

This guy went to Ramsey College.

Goodman.

You got the brochures?

Yeah, Lieutenant, we got'em. All kinds. We're on our way back.

-Know Ramsey College? -Ramsey College?

Uh, sure, I know it. It's out near Pomona.

The evidence of a college ring is not much to go on.

I mean, there are thousands of them in existence.

Without a name, I don't see how I can help you.

Yearbooks... If he was here, there might be a photo in a yearbook.

Possibly.

I get the feeling this is an urgent matter.

We have reason to believe he abducted this officer's wife.

The college library. That's where you can find the yearbooks.

Thank you, sir.

Who the blazes is it?

Can't get no damn rest.

What the heck are you doing here?

Nice house, Bill.

Don't give me none of that bull. This is my sister's place.

It's a good thing she ain't here.

She could chew your butt off for trying to get at me.

-I'm working tonight. -Bill.

How would you like to save a life?

Stupid!

The window is wedged. It only opens a few inches.

You have to have some ventilation in this place.

Don't we, my love?

You look surprised to see me.

Had a slight problem at my work.

They let me go early.

Some people don't appreciate me as they should.

But you do, don't you?

Your makeup's a mess.

And your hands. They're filthy.

What a shame.

Yes, you've spoilt everything.

We'll have to bring the ceremony forward.

We'll have to freshen you up. Cos you must look your best.

As a special treat..

You'll have the pleasure of watching me change my clothes.

We must both look our best...

for the wedding.

What wedding?

Ours.

I'm already married.

Not really.

You'll only truly be married when you're married to me, my love.

Anything like this?

No. It wasn't that.

That's a pick-up with a camper on it, like my sister's boy has.

I'd know that anywhere.

Anything like this?

That's a bakery truck. It's too tall.

How about this minibus?

It wasn't any kind of bus at all. Didn't have all them windows.

How about this?

I don't think so.

This is 1982. Unless the guy was the biggest dummy of all time...

he couldn't have been here after that.

Look at this.

Without the long hair.

That's him. What's it say?

"Rudy'Doc' Strassa is headed for pre-med. Voted most likely to...

dissect a friend."

He's a doctor! The son of a bitch could be a doctor.

So there might've been a window? You never saw the front?

I told ya a hundred times! I seen the back!

Did it have a window in the back?

Like this.

All I could see was one little window.

But there could've been two? Like this?

It wasn't red. It was white!

Forget about the colour for a minute. Is this the style of it?

Ah, maybe.

Sorta.

Is this sorta what you saw?

That's it! That's what I seen.

Are you sure about that, Bill?

I'd swear on a stack of Bibles.

Look at this, Bill.

I'll be doggone!

That's an ambulance!

Let me look.

Loosen up the left side a little, it's too severe.

I adore you with that slightly disheveled look.

Much better.

And now the lipstick.

This is one of my favorite shades on you.

Let me try.

See how good it looks with white? We are gonna be a perfect match.

Now it's your turn. And then after the lipstick, then the mascara...

and then the eyebrows...

a touch of bloom on the cheeks...

and then into the wedding dress...

and on with the nuptials.

Thank you, sir.

Have you ever heard of anyone called Rudy or Rudolph Strassa?

Strassa?Nah, no way.

Are you sure?

No, he's not a red-nosed reindeer.

All I'm asking is did he graduate from your medical school?

I know you don't know yet, lady. I just wanna ask it one more time.

You've been checking your records for 10 minutes.

It's an easy name, under S for Strassa.

Thank you, sir. I surely appreciate that.

Perhaps you could ask around your people. If you have any news, please call us back. Much obliged.

This was my dear mother's.

You're so skittish. Like a thoroughbred.

Be still. Be still.

The sooner this is over, the sooner you'll be at peace, my love.

Yes, sir! Strassa!

Right! Rudy!

He's one of your ambulance drivers, is he, sir?

You fired him this morning? I see.

So he went off with one of your ambulances last night, did he?

Would that be around 10:30?

I see.

Perhaps you have an address where we might reach him, sir.

Mm.

It's the best silk.

Pure white.

It'll soon be so lovely for us in here when we consummate our marriage.

So close together.

So very close. And then afterwards, in the quiet moments afterwards...

I'll have to do what was done to my dear mother.

You'll hardly feel it. I'm very precise.

This is the real one. Now remove the fake thing from your finger.

No.

Off with it... my love.

Dearly beloved...

we are gathered together in the sight of God to join these two people...

I, Rudolph Arnold Strassa...

take you...

Melissa Alexandra Hays...

We sure got some heavy artillery of support, Captain.

You bet.

It'd be too bad if the guy heard us coming.

-We want to get there fast, don't we? -No doubt about that, Captain.

I'll cut the sirens when we get a little closer.

That'd be fairly soon, won't it?

-Say it. -Never.

Say, "I, Melissa Alexandra Hays, take you, Rudy..."

Never!

You can kill me, you creep!

But I will never say that.

Not yet... my love. I mustn't complete it now. Not yet. There's more to do.

But I will cut by degrees if necessary until the end.

Now, give me your left hand.

There.

Whether you say it or not... you're mine.

And now to bed.

Yeah.

Get there out of sight, surround the place...

cover doors, windows, roofs, stairwells, every damn thing.

Then bam! Hit'em all at once. Freezes the bastards in their tracks every time.

That's a good way to do it. I've seen that work, and I've seen people get hurt.

This might be a bit different, it being Melissa...

a cop's wife, Andy's wife.

-Are you telling me my job, Columbo? -No way, Captain. No, sir.

But when, you know, so many guys in uniform...

and three of them young guys who haven't been on the force six months...

someone might, you know, accidentally give it away.

Can't do it.

How about an extra five, ten minutes before you bring in the main force...

you hold them in the reserves?

We've been on this so long, a few extra moments doesn't cost much.

How about it, Captain?

As a favor to Andy?

You're breaking my heart.

OK, cut the sirens.

Keep that clean.

Don't want to see too much blood just yet. Momma wouldn't like it.

Beautiful...

Beautiful...

Soon, my love.

Soon.

We're secure here.

Easy, hon. I got you.

What time is it?