Original subtitles

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY TOTO

I wrote a letter to Daddy

My dear adorable Papa

Say hello to my Grandpa and Nana

Excellent initiative!

Art softens the soul and sharpens the mind!

Repentant, contrite and and now altered

My love for you Dad has not faltered

The joy of a child once so bad

Is knowing he still has a Dad

Who loves and respects his Mama

- Who is he? - The father of the two little artists.

Excuse me, Excellency.

Repentant, contrite and and now altered

My love for you Dad has not faltered

Unfortunately, they're as much scoundrels as ever.

Especially the older one.

Absolutely incorrigible!

No offence, but what kind of correctional institution is this

if you're not capable of correcting the offenders?

We do what we can, but it's the fault of the parents.

You should have given them an education, before!

- Before they were born? - No! - What d'you mean?

I didn't say that.

You said "before they were born."

But no! - You let it slip, accidentally.

Anyway...

I meant, before we were forced to shut them up in here.

- It's your fault. - Yeah, yeah...

- It's always the fault of the parents! - Of course.

But, how can I think of my lads, when every day

- when every day I must get up at four? - I understand.

- What a terrible life. - It's hard, I agree. - Very hard.

Oh, yes, rising every morning at four...

No, not every morning.

Is it one morning yes and one no?

Every day, four in the afternoon.

- Four in the afternoon? - I work nights.

I understand, you work as a night watchman.

Well, yes... yes...

In a certain sense, yes, something approaching that.

- Are you a watchman or not? - Yes... yes!

I watch after the interests of my wife: understand, at night, the competition...

They might nick her place, if I wasn't there...

I get it!

Now I understand.

You're a pimp!

Mind what you say. - I'll repeat it.

The pimp is you! - How dare you!

I'm big daddy! - Pardon?

I'm a panderer. - What's that?

My wife works, and I pander.

Didn't you pander to your wife? When you had hair?

What about my hair? It's a matter of honour! You're a panderer!

- I'll settle for panderer. - If the cap fits then wear it!

- Please, it's not work! - What is it? - A vocation!

- Actually, to be precise, it's a mission! - And you're a father!

- I'm a missionary father! - Utter nonsense! - Rubbish, sorry!

- What a beautiful sight! - Here they are.

Two great, little artists that Providence is redeeming!

Bravo, bravo, lad!

I must say, you've really got a nerve!

- Not here yet, the scamps. - It's a watch?

Obviously - Yours?

- Of course it's mine! - And kept on a chain?

This woman would be the pious one, the mother of the first boy.

Saintly!

Saintly woman. - Supporter of St. Francis.

The second boy?

- The son of a hooker. - He's yours.

Well, I mean, who am I to say, Director?

- Don't touch me... - With the times we live in...

Here are the scamps!

Come lads. Your Excellency.

Apple of my eye. You are my joy, my consolation!

What did you get? Let me see. Ah, good, yes!

And you. What did you get?

A wooden snuffbox. What'll I do with you?

- His Excellency wants to meet you. - Your Excellency...

- Here we are! - I want to congratulate you on your sons.

- Thank you, Commander. - Excellency. - I'm sorry.

- Allow me to kiss your hand? - The ways of the Lord are infinite.

Where are they, where are my sons? Excuse me!

Ah, here they are, my treasures!

- Who is she? - The mother of the rascals.

- Cornelia. - Cornelio that's me.

I was sorry to miss the show. How did it go?

He gave me the wrong note for Ia.

Don't hit his head, You'll knock him stupid!

More stupid than he is?

Eccellency, allow me to present my lovely wife.

Your Eminence!

General Persichetti!

- Bubi! - You know him? - Of course, he's a client!

Oh, a real big shot. Wait.

Bubi... General!

- Talking to me? - Yes. Your friendship is most valuable.

- Thank you, but... - Intensely so. - But how? - Intensely so!

Allow me to embrace you? Embrace you generously!

My wife has spoken so much about you, eh Bubi! - Thank you.

Carry on.

Goodbye. Phew...

- My dear wife, your work awaits you. - Pietruccio, come on!

Good evening! Take care, see you!

- Bye, darling! - Behave yourself, understood?

Come on.

Hang on. Bebbi... come.

Come on.

What did you take from my pocket? What did you get here?

Bebbi, Bebbi! You can't fool your dad! You can't!

A FEW YEARS LATER

CRIMINAL FILE RECORD

I beg you, before answering, observe them carefully.

Sometimes a particular mark, a scar...

is enough to recognize one of these criminals.

If he's among them, we'll get him, he's on record.

No, no. - Are you sure?

- No, certainly not. - He's not among them? - No.

Well then... it couldn't have been but...

him!

- Look at this. - That's it, that's him! - I recognize him!

No doubt it's him. Unmistakable!

Calm down! I've got it. The same old Baby Toto!

- He emptied my house! - He stole my jewels!

- He stole my car! - And my spare tyre!

This Baby Toto is the only shame of our great, fascist Italy!

- It's true. What did he steal from you? - My boots!

- While sleeping? - No, just now, on the Imperial Way,

while marching in step!

A FEW MORE YEARS LATER

- Permit me... Look here, ma'am. - Yes, I recognize him very well!

- No doubt, it's him! - Yes, him and this is his partner!

- Same old Baby Toto! - He cheated me! - He robbed me!

He sold me bits of bicycle spokes as flints for lighters.

It couldn't be but Toto Baby.

Baby Toto stole the medal collection of the Fifth Army!

From a safe?

No, from the flag, in front of Eisenhower!

- You have to find him! - Easier said than done - Easier nothing!

You find this Baby Toto, or we give Rome to the Germans!

Today

Don't get too close, I don't know you. What were you doing?

- I wanted to take... - The lady's handbag. Big deal for sure!

Know what you'd find? Some loose change and maybe a wurzel sandwich.

- Wurzel? - Sausage in German.

Sausage in German.

Big deal, you bastard!

They travel by hitch-hiking, sleep around, fetch food from home.

Paupers!

There's risk in our business, but go to jail for a sausage, no!

- You're an idiot, but the fact remains! - Don't treat your brother so!

Don't confuse things, half-brother! I'm the son of a holy woman!

You're the son of an acronym.

- What's an acronym? - S.O.B. Look it up.

- Come on, or we'll be locked up. - Where? - To get our pension.

It takes all day!

What a queue for a meagre allowance. - Sign here.

I'm signing.

Lady, hurry.

Take it easy, don't push me!

Here... Excuse me!

Help, this old lady is sick!

Halt! - What is it?

She's ill! To the hospital, quick!

A sudden attack, get her to hospital!

See that, you dimwit, how to get your pension?

- Give me the blackjack, it's my turn. - You? Give me a break.

- You give it to me! - I'll give it to you, but...

- I'll take care! - Go!

- Scoundrel, what were you thinking of?! - Excuse me, I won't do it again!

H... h... help!

Someone!

- Car! - Help me... - Take this scoundrel! Go on!

Immediately! To the hospital!

- It takes men like you! - Well done!

- Congratulations! - Did you see? - I saw everything!

So you punish the criminals, not sending them to jail! - Thank you.

Iron fist in a velvet glove. May I embrace you?

For heaven's sake.

These acts excite me, intoxicate me! Excuse me! - Go on!

Bravo!

Big, fat... and foolish.

Here's your brother.

- What'll become of us...! - He's not dead! - No?

- No, just dozed off. You can wake him. - He looked dead.

Thank you, sister.

Wake up! Wretch that you are!

What a sight! You look like an Easter egg!

I don't know what to do with you! I'll murder you, one of these days!

I'll murder you, understand. Wretch!

Since when do you attack big, strong men? Tell me?!

I'll tell you, I'll tell you...

You had the good fortune to be born into an honest house,

with a mother a whore, a father a pimp and thief!

You've a brother who's following in his father's footsteps.

And you can't make a thief, don't have that clinical eye!

Wretch that you are!

I've always said, you have to attack the sick, the disabled,

the handicapped, the paralysed...

- What are you reciting? - Our evening prayers.

- For this poor boy I am also a mother. - Bravo.

Thank you, good evening. Good evening! Good evening!

You have to learn! Give me your hand!

You have to learn! And the promise I made to Dad on his deathbed.

Understand?

Look. - Who d'you get that from?

Him who gave you a good hiding.

- With a bullet to the head? - No, with an enthusiastic embrace.

- So, when d'you get out? - If I want, even tonight.

You have to get out tonight! Tomorrow we have to work!

Yes, yes!

We need money. - Where are we going?

To the station. - Snatching on trains?

- No, luggage in hand! - A real job? - Yes - Porters.

You'll be the porter! I'm a thief and will remain so!

The porter will be you! Thieves are born, porters are made!

Now move it!

- Please, porter! - The porter will be you, I'm a bellboy!

Excuse me, bellboy. Please, take this.

I can't. - Why not?!

It's too small. What does it contain?

What do you care?

I care as I assume responsibility.

It contains my dirty laundry.

You don't need a bellboy, but a washerwoman!

Is this alright?

- Here's my number. - Where'll we find you with the baggage?

The exit, by the taxis. Auf wiedersehen.

It is, you old boy.

Porter! Porter! - Here I am!

I've been three hours searching!

To find you, we should put an ad in the newspapers?

- Which way do we go? - This way, I have a car waiting for me.

Porter! Porter!

- The suitcase, please. - Immediately!

- It's a bit heavy. - The heavier, the better!

- What train? - Express to the Brenner Pass.

- Please, find a good place for me. - Don't worry.

Police, police! Is there a policeman!

Excuse me, I'm looking for a policeman! They've stolen my suitcase!

No police in this country?

Come in, lazybones, and stop slacking!

I'm sick and tired of your skiving! Hurry, put the cases on there!

- What are you doing? - They're heavy! - I'll help you, put them on there.

- And that one? - Right, but it's... heavy.

Thank God, it means that there's Providence!

Look at that! What an eye I had!

A suitcase with class, luxury swag!

- Mine's more beautiful, it's square! - So what? - It's heavy, full of stuff!

- Have you got the ledger? - No. - No? Come here and give me your hand.

Take it easy...

Get the ledger, how many times must I tell you!

I'm going. - And write.

Have you written? - Yes - What?

Nothing. - Then why say "yes"!

- You didn't say. - I could have!

In fact I did! Write!

- A camera. - Camera.

- Six times four. - Twenty four - 24 Cameras.

- Where are they? - I don't know. - Take them out.

- I didn't take anything! - You said 24 cameras!

- And you 6 times 4 - It's the format!

Six times...

You're a fool! Give me your hand!

Gently!

- Next, write. Handkerchiefs. - Handkerchiefs. - 12. - 12.

Ah... jewellery! Nice one!

- But they're fake. - Why? - They're chocolates.

They must be good.

- Purgatives... - Oh, God!

What are you doing? Spitting? What's this spitting?!

An educated person doesn't spit and doesn't blaspheme, damn and blast it!

- Write! - Blast it! - What are you writing?

Blast it?!

Old shoes, narrow...

and odourless.

You take them.

Now open your suitcase, all this is routine.

- Yes... - Hurry up. - Mine is heavy, full of stuff.

You've said so a thousand times!

The first time you hit the jackpot, you play the fool!

- Come on, open it. - I can't, it's locked.

Are you a thief or a scooter boy?

The crowbar, the crowbar, Why was it invented? For a joke?

- Here, take it! Open it! - Take it easy...

Open it! Open it! Imbecile!

Open it, hurry up!

I'll help you, don't strain. I'll do it with the pliers.

Yes

- Stay still. I got it! - I know! My finger!

- Why scream? - My finger! - Which finger? - Mine!

- It won't come off. - I know... - What a brother I have! Stop!

Damn it. Here you go...

I don't understand how... Yet it should be easy.

- Ah, it's open... take a look! - It's open! - What fools!

Wretch! Blasted necrophiliac!

Now we're stealing corpses! Bringing a dead man in the house!

I got it... at the station... There was an old woman who pa... pa...

Who what?

Who...! It must have been The Ladykillers!

Saint Gemini, maiden and martyr, help me! - He's dead!

If they find us playing host to a corpse,

we'll end up getting life!

- Close the suitcase! - Yes. - Hurry. - Close it up!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

- Put it back inside, oh dear me! - What now? - Put it back inside!

Like this.

- The leg was so. - How? - I remember. It was like so.

This was here. In the middle of the case.

- Pull it up! - Just like that...

And the head? Where did you put it?!

- The... dead man knocked! - No, it's the landlady!

One moment, madam! Hide it!

Get a chair! Just a moment!

Here I am, madam!

May I... come in?

What's going on?

I've heard such noises!

Our friend is drunk. His wedding's tomorrow and we're shaving him.

Today the barbers are closed, it's Thursday.

The barbers close on Monday. Today is Sunday!

- Goodbye! - Goodbye!

This one's a real dead weight. Put him back in the case.

He has to disappear, we must be rid of him. Get him down!

- Staying long? - I'm going there.

How long will you be? - I'll be right back.

Then you can't park it.

- Why not? - Long stay parking. Off you go.

- Look at these jobs-worths! - It won't take a minute.

Hey there! Forward, forward! There's a place! Under steering!

- Can I leave it? - Will you be long?

- About an hour. - All right. - And if I'm a bit later?

- Take your time, 2, 3, 4 hours. - And if I come back later?

- Even tomorrow. - Here are the keys. - I'll sort it myself.

- Assistant! - I'm here! - Come on, let's go! Come on!

- Load it up! Come on! - Wait...

- Load it up! - It's heavy!

- Wretch, get in. Let's go. - Where?

Where do you want to go? The sea, mountains, river, underwater fishing!

In Cortina d'Ampezza, camping. We must get rid of your dead body!

Italian! Hello!

- What beautiful girls, lovely! - Shut up!

- Hello! - Who are you waving to?!

With a dead body in the trunk, you're acting the fool with women?

- Didn't you see how lovely they were? - When I work, I'm blind!

This isn't a pleasure trip, it's almost a funeral!

Remember, the perfect criminal must be amoral, asexual and incorruptible!

Put it in gear! Drive, or I'll smash your head in!

Brake! Don't you see these two blondes asking us for a ride?!

- But we must be incorruptible! - Yes, but not stupid!

Would you let escape two pieces of Nazi with those proportions?

Finally! Do you need something?

- Our car kaput. - Can you give us a lift?

Normally we wouldn't, but as it's you. Where are you going?

Near here.

I understand. Driver, suitcases on board! - Danke.

- Please. - Dankeschön! - First me, then you.

- Here you go. The ladies are foreigners? - Yes, Germans.

Ah, Germany. And you're sisters?

No, friends! - Long live friendship!

There's an empty seat, so she could go up front...

Driver, to your place!

But this is a wonderful place, a paradise! - It's nice here!

How lovely.

What are you doing here?! Go fetch their suitcases. Immediately!

- Cute Italian! - And you're cute too! - Dankeschön.

I'm sorry the trip was so short.

- Thanks for the ride. - Thanks to you for the grope, Fräulein.

- Why not come up to the villa? - I have to go to a funeral.

Too bad. - You took their suitcase? No, no pictures!

Thank you!

- Thanks again! - Goodbye! - Hello!

Wretch! Letting yourself be photographed!

A thug is photographed only for mug shots!

- I'll give you a slap! - Yeah you got me! - Come on!

Go ahead.

There were only three cartons of Marlboro.

We can't waste time over 30 packs of cigarettes!

We risk stopping a line of cars that never ends!

We were ordered to look for a suitcase full of marijuana seeds.

Unless someone got killed, our task is this!

- Damn! Why did you stop?! - Look, the Police!

We're done for, they're looking for the car that we stole.

In the trunk we have a corpse. We'll face a firing squad.

- Shall I go back? - No they'll see us, and shoot the tyres!

No, we face them.

As the saying goes: "Fortune flavours the brave".

No, go on! Go on!

- Halt, pull up. - Good morning.

- A baggage check. - See they're not looking for the car?

- What Car? - He said "the car". - He said that? - Yes

See, at checkpoints they often stop stolen cars.

- No, we don't seek stolen cars. - What a coincidence, neither do we!

Good morning, go! - Wait there!

Stop! Who told you to leave?

I'm sorry.

You can go as soon as I've carried out the inspection.

What inspection? Ah, the driver's licence. He's got it! Give it him!

- I'm not interested! - It's a wonderful licence, Captain!

- I'm a Marshal. - You're not a captain? But you're Italian?

Of course!

You wanted to know how they made marshals?

I'm a police sergeant. We're checking this luggage.

- I have no luggage. - What's this?

- What's this? - What "this"?

- This is the trunk. - No, this.

I don't know, it wasn't there before. It's a suitcase?

Yes

- It will be my driver's. - It's heavy. - Heavy?

Well, you know, clothing... He often does it, uneducated peasant.

- Every time we travel, he carries a case. - Ah, yes?

- The last time he had three cases... - A nut case... - Very funny?

I've received orders from above, so open up!

Your orders, you open it. Me no.

Ah, yes. I'll open!

- I refuse, I'm only the passenger. - I'll open it!

Well! Did you see that there?

- God, is he dead? - Who's dead?

- You said it. - Yes, a suitcase with a dead man?

- But your driver put this stuff in? - Yes. - It's his stuff?

Yes. Why I don't want him to take his suitcases when we travel?

If I've understood, you mean that your driver...

Yes!

- You bet! - I don't bet.

- Pietro, tell him, it's true that... - Yes!

Understand?

Okay, considering that there's nothing contraband...

- Can we go? - Yes, go ahead.

- I'm going. Goodbye, Marshal. - Hey! My hand! - Come on!

- Clear off! And I hope we meet soon! - Goodbye!

Goodbye my ass! Clear off or I'll arrest you!

Lace panties and a bra! What a pervert!

Okay, I'm stopping!

Get out, I order you!

What's the matter?

This car stinks.

- What are you smelling? - You said it stinks.

- I said stinks because it's hot! - No, it's not hot!

It's hot because it's dangerous!

Now all the traffic police have the license number.

So we go home on foot?

On foot, but not home. - Where to?

- To the villa. - To do what? - To try and get inside.

To recover the suitcase with the corpse.

Now they keep the corpse and we the suitcase with the laundry!

What's in your head, scrambled eggs?

When they find the corpse, they'll take it to the police station! - So?

So, you've been photographed! They have your picture!

They will say: This is the owner of the corpse.

So what?

We must recover the corpse and dispose of it somewhere. Let's go.

- To the villa? - Yes, to the villa.

After reading the Terry report, I only smoke marijuana with a hookah.

- Joints are bad for you. - I want to try.

- Me too. - These aren't for women.

- Don't worry, I'll give you a joint. - Give me one. - Here.

Calm it, guys. I don't understand why you're so worried.

- I've smoked 20 and I don't feel a thing. - Next you'll be giving us opium.

- Have you ever put it in the soup? - Like in China!

How are you, friends!

You're all here!

And now show surprise at what my friends Inge and Helga

have brought here.

You don't know what Mischa does for his friends!

This suitcase is our... Nirvana!

Our Eldorado!

From now on,

no more suffering to obtain our artificial paradise!

From now on, our marijuana we'll cultivate ourselves!

- Growers direct! - Bravo! - Take it! - To me!

Sow it all! Come on, follow me!

Marijuana beautiful, marijuana good!

Let's all go to sow! There, in the small field!

Come friends, sing with me Ukrainian sowers' song!

Marijuana, always marijuana, marijuana is khorosho

Marijuana, always marijuana, marijuana is khorosho

Volga, Volga and marijuana, marijuana is khorosho!

Are you sure this is the villa?

Of course! - It seems like the Kremlin.

- How's that? - They're singing Russian.

However, if they sing, it means they haven't found the body.

Yeah.

Wait for the farmers to go to bed, turn out the light,

then we'll recover the corpse.

Come on! - I go into the arms of Morpheus!

Good night!

- Don't you feel well? - No, I'm very well!

The smell of marijuana seeds has given me great happiness!

- I only have great desire to sleep. - Here?, Come on no...

- Mischa! Come on, honey! - Come on, Mischa, come to bed!

Kaputt Mischa. We'll talk tomorrow.

Night, guys.

If you're afraid, don't stand on ceremony, we're here!

There's no need!

- It's all dark. - Silence...

- There's a light on. - Stop shouting.

They turned it off.

Hush!

Why do you bump me?

Softly, softly...

- Softly! - I am softly. - Don't make any noise!

I can't see a thing, why not turn on the light?

Sure, or let's ask the hosts

excuse us, but have you seen a suitcase with a dead man inside.

- You think so? - I think you're incapable of discernment!

This guy will ruin my career! How can I work like this?!

Now you go that way and I'll go this.

Take it easy! With a stealthy step.

Understand? Come. As soft as velvet.

- How should the steps be? - Stealthy.

Come.

- Are you creeping? - Yes

You creep!

San Gemini, help me! Wretch that you are!

- I didn't do anything, it was you! - Imbecile!

Look what you made me do?! I told you to walk slowly!

Stealthy steps! You have to walk like a cat!

Idiot, get up! You're as silly as a goose!

- Here's the suitcase! - - Finally! - Come on! Hurry!

Stop! - What is it? - The suitcase!

Well? - Isn't it heavy?

- No, thanks, I can manage! - It's empty! - I thought it was light!

Damn, you leave a corpse alone for a moment, and they nick it!

- It's mind boggling! - Mind boggling!

- Damn, Mind boggling! - Damn, Mind boggling!

- A fine mess! - A fine mess!

I can't take any more!

The de... the de-de...

- What's this de-de?! - The de... dead man!

- Oh, my God... - The dead man!

Aren't you pleased? We're relieved of a burden!

Yes

- Go get the suitcase. - Yes

Who'd dare remove it from the case and put it here?

- You can't leave a dead man... - Here you go.

- There! The feet! - He seems to have grown.

Since when do the dead grow? They decay!

These dead we don't keep in the house!

We throw them in the cemetery!

- Push. - The arm's sticking out.

You're hopeless! Break it and close it!

Gently does it.

- Come on, take it away. - It's so heavy, how...

With one of the cars out there. Gently...

- Come on! - It's so heavy!

- Quiet! - I tripped over!

I'll take you on a trip, you wretch!

- Turn on the light, I feel cold. - The light won't heat you.

What do you mean?

Here.

I want to get my pyjamas from the suitcase.

How heavy it is!

Let's throw it down there! One, two, three, go!

- Nothing. - This well is bottomless.

- Did it get there? - It has now.

I feel more more comfortable, we're free at last!

- Now I'm sorry. - Why? - I was quite fond of it.

The corpse?! I'll strangle you! You'll make me commit murder!

Help! - Who goes there?

It's from the well! - Impossible!

- The body's asking for help! - They don't do that!

It must be a ghost! These wells are filled with ghosts!

- They all throw bodies down the wells. - Can anyone hear me?

- Hello? - Who's speaking?

This is a well, not a phone!

- Who are you? - Pull me out! Hurry!

- What are you doing down there? - What do you care?

Throw me a rope! I'm drowning!

Immediately! Let down the bucket!

Hurry!

- Right on the head. - How was I to know?

Pull him up. Grab it!

- Come on! - Help me! - I am helping!

I'm telling you: "Come on", what more should I do?

Pull! Pull it!

You're at the finishing line! Pull!

I can't take it anymore...

You don't know how heavy!

- What a sight! - It's a ghost!

Who threw me in the well?

Come on, speak up! Who threw me in the pit?

- Him! - But I threw in the suitcase!

- Who put my body in a suitcase? - Him

I thought there was a dead body, not your body! - What body?

- That was in the suitcase. - Wait a minute...

Now you'll explain to me everything!

Look, there's been a misunderstanding.

Now we'll go to my house, and speak with police.

What'll we do at his place?

He'll have his own private police station.

These are gentlemen, you know?

I'm scared. - Hands up!

- Have you found Mischa? - No.

Not this way, I've looked everywhere. Come with me.

Mischa!

Mischa, where are you?

- Are you sure he's here? - Yes. You look there, us on this side.

Go on, my dear!

- Mischa! - What are you doing? Mein Gott!

Do you know why we're in this condition?

Mischa!

- Who are they calling? - The cat! Don't you hear? Mischa!

- Mischa is my name! - Excuse me. He thought you were a cat!

You always take one thing for another!

Anything?

We looked everywhere but nothing! - Us too!

- He's disappeared! - It's ridiculous! - We'd better go in!

- What shall we do? - I'm scared!

They've clearly found the corpse in the suitcase and are looking for me.

Then we're screwed.

Don't worry, I'll deal with the corpse.

Yes, but... we must make it disappear.

Don't you worry, I'll see to make it disappear.

Thank you, you're very kind.

Don't thank me. I do something for you, you do something for me.

What can we do? We are two unfortunate men.

I know what you can do.

Tonight you sleep with me.

- Me? You're nuts! Maybe him! - Why me? - And why me?!

You don't understand? As guests in my house!

Then tomorrow I'll explain everything, Agree? - You bet!

Understand? We are his guests! What were you thinking? Pay no attention.

Don't attempt to escape. Like I told you, Inge has your photo.

See where the photo's got us? All because of this animal! Your fault.

You struck a pose! Raise your cap!

You wait for me here.

- We didn't find him. - Maybe we didn't look properly.

He invited us here just to play this lousy joke.

You know, this Mischa...

- Good evening. - Mischa!

- But why are you all up? - We've looked everywhere! Where were you?

I took a long car trip!

Fresh air is wonderful for clearing away marijuana smoke!

But why look for me?

- We've found a dead body! - No! - Yes!

In my room!

Impossible! In my house there are no corpses!

I swear! - Inside a suitcase!

No! - Come on! - Come and see!

No, I'll go alone. Without a walk,

you're still under the effects of marijuana!

Corpse!

- Corpse! - Hey, go and see!

I want to see what he'll do.

- Who's the dead man? - And how did he get here?

- Who put him in the suitcase? - It'll be suicide.

Here, my friends! Take a look, where's the corpse!

Impossible! - The dead man was there!

I saw it! - Me too!

Good! You don't want to believe? Come and see with your own eyes!

Come on, come on!

Come on, look!

But there's no body!

- Before there was! - Yes! - No, there are no corpses!

If there was before, there would be now. And I'm no conjurer.

- So what? - Then nothing!

When you smoke marijuana, you begin to see

and think things that don't exist.

He's right.

I won't smoke any more, I'll go back to Nationals. - Worse.

Now go to sleep, it's better. Sleeping is very good for the heart.

- Ciao. - He's right. - Let's go to sleep.

- You still want to sleep here? - Me?! No! - No!

- Well, good night. - Guten Nacht.

Good night,

Mr. Corpse.

Mischa!

- Up early this morning, huh? - Yes, I had to arrange the flowers.

The country air is marvellous.

It's enough to raise the dead.

Let's hope not.

This sleepyhead...

Come on!

Wretch! Will you sleep forever?

- Why are you dressed like this? - Like it?

- Who gave it you? - Mischa.

Took me to the wardrobe and said: Choose what you want.

Let me see...

Why scream? What have I done?!

What will they think!

You've poured boiling water on my stomach!

- I wanted to serve Sir tea in bed. - So why do it?!

The instructions say clearly:

Before preparing the infusion, ensure the water is boiling.

Got it?

- Couldn't you have put your finger in? - And risk burning it.

Be like that. If you want your tea, make it yourself!

- Good morning! - Good morning. - What does the good day bring?

I came to reassure you: The corpse... sorted.

- Find a good place? - - In the garden, with my own hands.

- I don't know how to thank you. - I know how. - How?

- My wife has a very weak heart. - I'm so sorry!

- I'm not. - No, then I offer my congratulations.

My wife is very fat, very ugly, very nasty!

Why did you marry her?

Very rich.

- You're very clever. - Not that much.

My wife dominates me, commands me, refuses me

even the smallest amount!

That's a big let down.

I'd prefer beautiful women, money...

Dolce vita.

Bravo beanpole! Or rather, fool!

Now listen well!

Since my wife is returning at the weekend from Baden Baden

I, with your help, want to make her pass away.

Mr. Mischa, me and my partner, who is my brother...

we are not ripe for murder.

We've begun to study, practising with flies and mosquitoes.

Then came the winter and we were without guinea pigs.

And the body?

The corpse, it wasn't us that did that.

It was already dead!

I do something for you, now you do something for me! - What?

I dispose of your corpse, you dispose of my wife!

It's a kind of blackmail, however...

Tell me, how do you want us... to bump off your wife?

With a noose? With poison? With a hammer to the head?

No, none of that!

Crime, investigation; investigation, autopsy!

I won't get money, but end up in jail!

Yeah.

Only with fear...

With fear?

As I said, my wife has a weak heart.

I get it!

The narrowing of the coronary arteries!

- Madam called? - No!

Nervously beating the spoon on the table!

It's not enough for my husband to talk nonsense, my maid too!

- Who are you, Inge? - No, Helga. Inge's the cook.

- Another who speaks Ostrogoth. - Sorry, I'm late, darling.

No excuses, you well know that on my diet

I should eat at 08:00 prompt! It is now is 08:05!

You're right, dear, it's all the fault of business!

Business my eye!

Your only business is me, remember that! Or I'll cut you off!

At the airport I cannot find the driver, at home I cannot find the servants!

All fired!

What put it into your head to take charge?! - You mistress.

I allowed myself to dismiss the servants because they were rude.

Meanwhile I've taken on a cook and a maid.

Those are neither maid nor cook! They are two tarts!

They are German.

German tarts, you brought here to have a good time!

Are you still jealous of your handsome Mischa?

Give me a break! The sight of you puts me off my food!

Well then, sit down. Want to waste even more of my time?

- Forgotten my ulcer?! - You're right, my dear! Forgive me!

I don't want your kisses, save them for your Germans!

- I want my pills! - Now, dear.

Wretch, you'll ruin my career! I'll kill you!

- Remember what I told you yesterday? - Yes - Everything? - Everything.

- Let's hear what I said? - I don't know.

What? Give me your hand.

Don't scream or I'll kill you!

- Well, we must kill her. - Who? - The wife of Mischa.

- Why? - It's a commission we were given. - Kill how?

She has a weak heart, so we scare her...

The coronary arteries tighten and she snuffs it!

- I've an idea! - You, impossible.

Sometimes even an idiot can have an idea.

Speak softly!

While she's playing, I'll creep up and go...

Boo!

- Look at this. Got it? - Yes

Wretch!

- Won't die eh? - Are you crazy?! Mischa!

Your wife has the heart of a lion!

She wouldn't be afraid even if I killed her.

Of course, you're masked like two fools! From a carnival!

- Mischa! - My wife! Quick, hide!

Mischa!

Mischa, where are you?!

Come out! I'll show you,

You dirty scoundrel!

The coronary! Mr. Mischa! Mr. Mischa!

The shrinkage occurred, the lady has snuffed it! - Really?!

- Come and see this masterpiece. - I didn't hear anything.

Wonderful!

Mischa, at this time, thanks to my active and effective work

you may consider yourself a widower.

I take this opportunity to make my congra... congratulations.

I was tired of being maid to this monster.

Now we're finally left alone with lovely Mischa.

With this awful person's money.

Accurate and prompt service.

Are we sure that she's dead?

What are you saying?

Don't you see the glassy eye? Sniff, smell that stink.

No, I want to be absolutely certain!

Want to be certain? At once.

Girls, give me a hand.

Lift up the corpse. With respect now, she's dead.

Come with me, bring it here.

What do you want to do now?

- I'll make the window test. - What's this?

We throw her below, then when she smashes on the pavement...

If she screams it means she's alive, otherwise she's dead.

Come on, girls. One, two, three, go!

Help! My legs!

- She cried! - How is it possible?

Help me!

Ah, it's my partner.

I've broken my legs! Ouch, my leg!

Got it? Accident at work.

My legs!

Very good! Very good!

I did something for you, you did something for me.

Now you may as well go.

You'd like that, eh, Mischy?

Come on, it doesn't add up, my friend

- You've forgotten two legs. - What legs?

The legs of my buddy, my partner. They're broken!

We have the right to food, accommodation, a wheelchair.

Social security and all the comforts for life!

- And if I sing? - I'll sing too, it'll make a nice duet!

Such songs, we'll go to the Festival of San Vittore!

Are you happy that your brother bought you a new wheelchair?

What do I care? I want to go to hospital to get treatment!

Jerk! So when you're healed Mischa will throw us out on the streets!

- Why? - What "why"?

Thanks to your misfortune, we're settled here for life!

Fine accommodation, with a broken leg

What a fool, I didn't think.

To Mr. Mischa I said that you had both legs broken.

What a bad impression I'll make! An idea! I'll remedy it immediately!

- What'll you do? - I'll sort the other leg.

- Bandage it? - Yes.

- How did you know? - You told me you'd sort it.

Slowly...

- This really won't hurt a bit? - No. - Put it like this.

The bandages... Wait a minute.

- While I blindfold you. - Me?

- But I won't see it! - You don't have to see it!

Sort of like an operation... I must blindfold you.

The bandages where they are? Where did I put them?

- Here they are! - Find them? - Yes.

Think of flowers, of their beautiful perfume.

Laugh!

Mr. Mischa, you've been tricked!

Be happy!

How it's grown in a few days, the marijuana! It's just like lettuce!

I'll open it.

Good morning, Count.

I've put my flowers on the grave of the mistress?

- Your flowers were the most beautiful. - I'm happy. - Me too.

- The funeral was... mag... nificent - Good.

- Those two, where did they go? - Over there, in the kitchen garden.

If you knew how it grew, marijuana It's just like lettuce!

Now these are vegetables! Do you know what it's called in Latin?

Majurana de majoranibus. Translated it means marjoram.

Now that's a salad, not what we buy in the city...

Ugly, frayed, disgusting!

Here! Eat!

This evening with this salad, I'll really stuff myself...

Vitamin C, it'll be coming out of my ears!

After the death of my wife,

to be really free we must rub out these blackmailers.

But blackmailers aren't so faint of heart as your wife.

All men are faint of heart with women!

And you are two very beautiful women, understand?

- Perfectly. - I'll work on the heart of the paralytic.

No, he's harmless, he can't move.

I think I'll throw him in a well I know.

You two work together on the other.

Let me explain the plan. I'll leave for Rome.

- You invite the blackmailers. - Ja.

- Inge begins to excite him. - Ja.

Take take him into your room,

and while you seduce him...

Helga Enters with a hammer and smashes his head!

- Beautiful! - So simple!

A wonderful thing!

I don't like salad. It's bitter and it sucks.

Wonderful! Do you know what they call this salad? Majurana.

I've already told you.

It puts me in a state of euphoria, as if it were a drug.

Don't eat it, it might be poison. Have you seen how thin Mischa is!

For two days I've not eaten! I want something else! I'm hungry!

Hunger, hunger... Toujours hunger...

Cheri, don't exaggerate.

D'you think I'd leave you with an empty stomach.

- What do you want? - Meat!

Meat, always meat, aren't you ashamed?

Carnivore!

Today I've got a surprise for you.

- I want to please you. - Bravo!

- A piece of meat... - Thanks! - Yummy!

I prepared it with my own hands. Make some room.

Here, cheri.

You want it?! You have to eat it!

- No! No! - Shut up!

I'm coming!

What is it?

Mr. Mischa won't sleep in the villa tonight.

The ladies are bored and want to see you.

- They're alone? - Yes. - Bored? - Yes.

- Where are they? - In their apartments.

I'll be right there.

Darling, you like the haunch?

One day or another I'll make you eat it.

I'm naked, but you can come in.

W-what do I spy with my little eye!

D'you mind being received in the bathroom?

Far from it! I'm a skin diver!

Outside there's a cabinet.

Would you mind fetching a bottle of liquid soap to lather me?

- Would you do that little thing for me? - Yes, I go and come back!

Hurry, my dear.

- Here I am. - Tip it in, lots of foam.

I'll tip, and you'll foam.

Lot's of foam!

Oh! It's you! You scared me!

Don't worry, I'm here to...

To amuse you.

- Many thanks. - My pleasure, Fräulein.

- Do you mind helping me? - Willingly.

Undressing a woman, is like plucking a flower.

Silk! Silk! It excites me, silk!

- Also silk stockings. - Oh yeah?

I'm thirsty for silk! I have a thirst for silk!

The stocking is beautiful! The stocking is beautiful!

With this stocking I'll dress you!

Baby veal!

Stop eating that salad of majurana.

You're out of your mind!

- You've become like Dr. Jekyll! - Wonderful!

Who knows what you'll do next!

I'm coming.

Good morning, Count, welcome back!

- What are you doing? - Nothing! - What, nothing?!

I'm doing some work of restoration and modernization.

- You walled up the niche! - What's wrong with that?

Why can't niches be walled up?!

All niches I encounter along the way, I wall up?

We'll see about that! I'll show you what I'm capable of!

But you don't know what I'm capable of!

- Inge! Helga! - It's useless to call the Fräuleins.

The Nuremberg dolls have left!

Left?

Actually, departed: The first...

dissolved into thin air, the second...

Don't understand!

But I do.

Mishy, too many changes have taken place in this house!

- I have prepared one in the kitchen! - In the kitchen? Why?

- Come, I have prepared a little dish... - A little dish?

- Oyster! - Oysters?

How good you are! Come, darling.

I'm hungry! Bring me something to eat!

You who don't want to eat!

Since yesterday, you've had so much stuff!

- You're an idiot! - I'm afraid! What's under there?

- A wonderful chicken! Look! - Beautiful! Then you eat!

- This I won't give you. - Why? - It's yesterday's.

- It could be off, it's cold! - It doesn't matter, I'll eat it anyway!

Give it me. - No, I'll bring something better.

It doesn't matter!

Leave it to me.

For my brother, a surprise. Guess what I've prepared?

- You've prepared the haunch? - No, that's tomorrow.

I know you like meat, that you like head cheese... So, here.

Murderer! Murderer!

Madman! Madman!!

Madman! Criminal!

Criminal!

- What are you doing here?! - I heard...

- What! - I thought I heard a scream.

- You thought or you heard? - I don't know... I heard.

Heard, not thought, thought, not heard.

Young man, let's agree!

- You're a haunch! - What are you saying?

Come... Come...

Come...

I want to show you something, come.

Did you hear?

Let me out, or I'll go crazy like you!

I'm not crazy! I'm decorating! Furnishing the house!

Murderer! You bricked up a corpse!

- It was a corpse, now it's an applique. - An applique? - Yes!

Look at the wall! Look what a beautiful human applique!

No, I won't be an accomplice to your crimes!

You'll end up in an asylum!

Just one is wrong!

It needs another here, I'll make a pair.

- Pietro! Pietro! - Yes?

- How long is your arm? - No! - You are my brother!

You deny me an arm and you're my brother.

It's true,

relatives are like shoes:

The tighter they are, the more they pain you!

This is my prayer

Post! Is anyone there? Post!

- Good morning, give it to me. - Who are you? - The new butler!

Excuse me, the mail is a sensitive thing, I need to know who I deliver to.

Well, this, this... And this one.

- You know you have a beautiful hand? - The hand of a worker!

A worker nothing. What are you saying.

Leave it to those in the know!

What a hand! Hand, hand, hand...

This would be a fine companion piece to some applique.

- What would that be, applique? - You don't know?

- Yet you're a man of letters! - Sometimes even telegrams!

Don't be so facetious!

- Come with me. - Where? - Come with me! - What's that?

Come! Come!

He's come!

- What are you doing? - Nothing!

- Who are you calling? - Nobody! - You were calling the police!

You wanted to report me, you wretch!

You wanted to report me to the police!

Wretch!

- Commissioner? - What?

The baker's wife called from Appia Antica.

And...?

She says that at Villa Auber, since the death of the owner...

the husband disappeared, with two Germans and the gardener.

Now there's a guy like a madman. Shall we investigate?

Yes, but it would be best to check first.

- What's the owner's name? - Auber, Mischa. - Mischa Auber.

Give me the number of a certain Mischa Auber, on the Appia Antica.

Hello! Who is this?

Police?

Yes, I'm the new butler. For a fortnight.

Who do you wish to speak to? With Mr. Mischa?

I'll call him immediately, wait.

Hello, who is speaking? Police?

Yes, I Mischa in person!

Oh no, no.

Here villa all is quiet.

All is normal.

Thanks for your interest.

Two German? From Germany? Yes, two friends!

Now I call right away, Make talk with them.

Inge! Helga! Come, say a few words to Commissioner!

Yes, it's me, Inge! My friend Helga!

- Yes, I understand. - Ja.

Want I call my friend? She's in the 'path'! The 'path'!

- What are you saying?! - Ja. Dankeschon.

Heil, Hitler! Oh, excuse me! Auf wiedersehen! Ciao!

Sorted!

But I have to get away, things are getting too hot.

Cut my ties! Clear off!

Pietruccio! My dear brother! Darling!

Come on, get up, do it for your brother!

How can I? With my broken legs! Why have you locked me in here?

So what am I to do?!

Pietruccio dear, your brother loves you so much, do you know?

I'll take you to the sea. You need some fresh air.

You look awful.

I'll take you to the beach, just like Dad.

Take me anywhere, but take me away.

And also a bucket and spade?

Yes, I'd like a bucket!

- I'll give you a piggy back... - But take me to the beach as well?

My legs...

Pietruccio, the idol of your brother, are you happy?

- You're burying me alive! - No, I'm giving you a sand bath!

For broken legs, sand baths are a godsend!

- Help! - Shut up, shut up!

- Life is made of long silences. - Help!

Silence is golden!

- Two orangeades. - Good morning, sir.

That car's been there all morning.

Please report it. Then we'll send a tow truck.

We interrupt this program for an important announcement.

The latest news on the disappearances at the Villa Auber

Most probably the crimes are the work of a criminal

known to the police as Baby Toto.

Four corpses walled up and one underground. He's come a long way!

I'm thirsty! Get me out!

You're thirsty? Now your little brother goes to get an ice cream. Want one?

Take shelter from the sun!

You idiot!

But, wasn't Auber's car a Jaguar 47 11 01?

Yes, it is.

- But look, that's it! - Then Baby Toto is here! Let's look!

- Pugliese, come on! - Yessir!

- Good morning, mister ice cream man. - Good morning.

I want two ices, mixed. Without cream, otherwise it hurts my tummy.

- One... - One!

- One and a half... - And two. - And two. Thank you.

What's going on?

That crackpot didn't pay for his ice cream!

- It's him, Baby Toto! - But what...?

I wrote a letter to Daddy, my dear, adorable Papa!

Say hello to my Grandpa and Nana Many kisses to my dear Mama!

Here... here... What is it?

Criminal Asylum

Beware of the madman

What is it? - Who's in here?

Don't you know? Baby Toto!

It's a year he's been writing his memoirs.

Let me see!

Let me see too.