Original subtitles

Scotch! Great, guys!

Did you expect something like this? Beautiful, beautiful!

My dressing room is not like theirs...

..but they are big American stars! It does not matter !

Working with these people... PHONE RING Yes, Hollywood?

l do do do do ? Mister Banfi, yes.

How? Bo Derek and Marlon Brando don't come anymore. Why ?

Bo Derek went with Tarzan to the jungle. And Marlon Brando?

He has gained so much weight that he no longer fits in the Jumbo Jet!

It's not cute! Tell Mister Brando, madame!

He had signed a contract, Mr. Salce is very angry.

Then he with Mr. Salce, in Italy, he no longer works!

As Brando said? Say thanks... Okay.

Travolta? Don't you know if he's coming?

What would that mean? No, I scream because...

Is he coming or not coming? I don't care, I didn't even want it!

Yes, tell him ''papal papal'' to this Mr. Travolta...

...which I don't like. He must be sickly and half crazy!

Every Saturday night he gets drunk and then gets a fever! Leave it alone.

Do you know what we Italians say to these stars who don't want to come here?

''Go to die killed'', go and die killed!

I vented! What stuff! You don't do these things.

We spent 87 million to do those Hollywood dressing rooms...

..and they locked me in this disgusting thing that looks like a toilet!

What it looks like... what it is! It's a toilet!

Does it seem honest to you? Luckily Luciano Salce is here!

He's an exquisite person, I'm happy to work with him...

A symbiosis has been created between me and Luciano that is out of this world!

Then you'll see. He understood my origin, my culture...

..my intelligence! > Come forward, idiot!

Song: ''When the Eternal Father made the world...

'' ''..he drew it square but it came out round.

'' ''Then he made the wrong model of man.

'' ''The first one came straight but the someone else is a

bit of an idiot.'' ''If you're an idiot, only you know it.''

''When someone is stupid, so is Peru."

''The Eternal Father, a little sweaty...''

''..he took off one boot and created our state.''

''There were 800 citizens: 600 deputies and 200 idiots!''

''The master says this to the farmer: Come forward, idiot!''

''The worker answers to his master...''

''..Come forward, cool guy!''

''Yes, that's right. Yes, Ja, Oui.”

''Yes, that's right. Yes, Oui.''

-225. - Finally! -Carlucci Carmine.

How long! My days never passed!

- Where have you been? - 152.

-Until we meet again. -Go. - My beautiful!

- This is the last one. How many came out? - 167.

-I think it's 166. - And who's missing?

- ll 151. - 151... And who is he? - Baudaffi Pasquale.

Baudaffi Pasquale!

- Baudaffi Pasquale! - Sixth arm, absent!

- Baudaffi Pasquale! -Fourth arm, absent!

- Baudaffi Pasquale! - Fifth arm, absent!

Baudaffi Pasquale!

Move the cot.

What are you doing ? Farina, you have turned this prison into a sieve!

-This time I almost made it! - Let's take him away.

Come on, here it is.

- Baudaffi Pasquale! - Present.

-Come on, come out. - Here I am.

-Look, I have nothing to do with it. -Yes, they all say that!

I don't come in through the hole, it is narrower.

I meant...

Pasquale!

- Superior ! Superior ! - Pasquale!

I understand that you are attached to this place, but it's not just prison!

- Come on, let's get out of here! -They locked my foot inside the door!

ELECTRONIC MUSIC

''Graduate, nice presence...''

Everyone says: ''Graduate, nice presence, thirty year old...''

-Are you hoping to find work on the newspaper? - I'm trying.

Yes, like you did in court! The prosecutor...

..he asked for your acquittal due to inability to understand!

This is why I told him: ''My inability to understand and want...''

''...instead she and her family have it!''

- And you got two years! - Thank you.

There were those who had done much more!

- What is it? - What rubbish!

- Do it, do it. - Thank you. I was hungry!

- I'll tell you how the dynamics of the facts were. - Yes.

At a certain moment, I was passing...

..in front of the agricultural bank of the tramway rural fund.

A gentleman emerges, all in a hurry and sensitive to the cold.

- Cold? - Yes, he was wrapped up.

Someone who leaves a bank in a hurry in the month of July...

..with a balaclava on your head you call him ''cold''?

I thought he was sick! What do I know?

I go to meet him to give him back the briefcase he had lost...

..when two tram drivers arrive from behind and block me.

- They were two policemen. -Yes, but they had the faces of tram drivers.

Now they dress up, they wanted to steal his briefcase.

And I said, ''No, sir. I saw that the gentleman lost the briefcase.

'' In short, a fight broke out. I hit one here with karate.

At the ''capocollo nut'', vertebra and spine.

I kneed the other in the lower abdomen. I laid them both out.

Immediately after, three more tram drivers arrived...

..who took me to the police station.

-They've got you by the pole! -How do you do it...

...to mistake me for a pole, that I am wider than long!

But I was ''reported'' the public prosecutor.

- Where you go ? For roofs? - Don't worry, I'll take care of you.

- Can you help me? -Yes. - Give me 100,000 lire.

- How? - Give me 100,000. - Are you crazy? What do you have to do?

I have to do something. I kept thinking about it while I was in prison.

I even tied a knot in my scarf!

- What is it about? - I'm ashamed to tell you.

- Tell me or I won't give you the money. - Do you have them? -Yes, here they are.

I'll tell you now.

- 24? - I've been waiting 24 months.

- Once, twice, I don't know. - A meeting house? - Yes.

- Can't you postpone it? - I couldn't help but think about it!

- When will you pay me back? - Do you want to give me this money, Gaetano?

It's not 10 billion! I'll give them back to you. Goodbye and thank you.

-HI. -HI.

Excuse me, have you seen 100,000 lire?

-Did you want me, doctor? - When are the people from the sign coming?

- They said tomorrow. - Call them back and tell them to hurry.

- I don't want any misunderstandings to arise. -All right.

Put on your lab coat. When customers come in here...

..they must immediately realize that they are in a dentist's office...

..and not in the dating house that was there before! -All right.

Listen to me. No hot, cold and food.

Can I at least spit?

Please have that lustful bell removed!

-All right. - And off we go with these erotic prints.

-Away with these statues. Everything away, I don't want to see anything anymore. -All right.

Until we meet again. Remember: Wednesday afternoon.

Please take a seat.

- Good morning. -HI.

- Do you have an appointment? - No, but I think it's the same.

- Does it hurt? - No. - Is it swollen?

- Enough! - Are you already being treated by us?

-Not now, but I was. - What is his name ?

Now do you want to know the name? That's right, you never know!

- Baudaffi Pasquale. - Invoice or tax receipt?

Even the invoices! How much is the fee?

For fillings?

-How? - The fillings?

You are brilliant! Rightly so, you made them all up!

-Yes, for fillings. - More or less 20,000.

- More or less ? -20,000. - Precise.

At that time...

-5 fillings. - 5? -Yes, it's been two years since...

Sign 5 fillings. Do you prefer the owner or her husband?

I didn't understand this.

Do you prefer the owner or her husband for fillings?

It's a mixed game here.

There are those who come for one thing and those... No, I want the owner.

If I wanted that other type of filling, in two years...

It's also free there! They couldn't wait!

-Damn the poverty! -Okay, take a seat. - Yes.

Handsome ! How much I like it!

A beautiful atmosphere that creates the right situation!

A certain elegance predisposes the customer well.

I am very well prepared!

Indeed, miss, let's do a good thing.

Since I think the owner has things to do over there...

..can we two do it? Wants ?

What does he say? I'm not up to it yet.

- She's definitely up to the task! - The owner would never allow it!

- She's a little jealous. - He only lets me assist in exceptional cases.

- Are you an exceptional case? -That's what they say around!

-It's her turn to say it. -All right. Then show me!

- How? - Are you surprised?

ln 5 years of experience, knew how many I've seen!

Long, short, square, pointed, sickle, hammer...

Hammer and sickle! Like Berlinguer!

- Even with pincers and funnels! - I have to tell you this!

-A funnel must be something... -Open it and show me!

Well, at this point...

Excuse me.

Slut!

> CONSTANT MOAN

-Ahhh! - Please, do you want to remove your hand?

- Excuse me, but it pisses me off! - And you put your hand on my leg?

-You don't like it? -What does it mean ? Everyone knows their own business!

When he pulls me, I no longer think, I don't understand anything anymore!

If you only knew what a night I put my poor wife through!

Up all night!

Then I moved on to my mother-in-law, who sacrificed herself for her daughter.

I kept her up until 6. Then, given her age, she collapsed.

- Poor thing! - And I switched to the waitress. - Pure!

- Yes. - She knows no shame! - I couldn't help it.

- I went to the gardens. -Also !

- There, finally... - You want it! -I vented.

You have to believe me, I made them in all colors!

- She has great resistance! - The cold...

- Rightly so... - I had to go back. - By force !

I met the doorman who is a kind and understanding person.

He took me to his house and to the warmth of the guardhouse...

..and a few good words, I found a few moments of relief!

Now I understand everything.

- He came for the owner's husband. - He does everything for me.

- But if she's there... - To experience a different emotion!

Witty! We are very good friends...

..indeed, we are even relatives.

It seems that one of my wife's uncles is also his uncle.

Let's say it's a family ride!

-Yes. -Did your wife work here?

- No, not here. In another study. -Similar. -Yes.

It was my wife who accompanied me here this morning.

His wife? Are you taking her directly here?

I couldn't drive, it pulled me!

You know, now... A lot!

We are very good friends, I use him very often.

-I also brought my son there. - Son ?

- He's 8 years old. He needed it. - It's family rubbish!

- An 8 year old boy! - Poor guy! He was doing badly!

They did a good job on him. They applied a machine to him.

- A machine? -He had a weak arch.

To make her understand, she had no push.

- I understand. - He's like me.

These are hereditary things. When you don't have push, it's useless!

- We need to do it in time. -Otherwise, there is no push...

..then little gardens, things... MOANS What's happening?

It looks like a beast!

Does he pull them? Why does he look me in the face every time he throws them?

Because it's unbearable!

It's like a fire burning inside!

- You have to believe me... - Stand still or I'll give you the statuette on your forehead!

You have to believe me.

Sometimes I want to rip it off with my hands!

-Really ! - Yes, yes!

A tear, a last flash of pain, and then peace!

Maybe in his case it's better. What is it for anyway?

- The doorman, things... It's better. - Why ? You don't agree?

As for me, everything is fine like that.

She talks like this because hers isn't as small as mine.

If he saw! It's all red...

- Do you want to see it? -That ? Do we want to end this story?

''Do you want to see it, do you want to touch it?'' It touches my knee! Enough !

-I understand that it makes sense to you... -It disgusts me!

And then with a guy like her... She's all weird!

- The son, the grandfather, the mother-in-law... - I realize that...

I'm convinced that if she touched me, I would lose my mind!

I understood it from the beginning! Leave it alone and stay in your place!

A little education! Stay calm!

- Do you pull them? - Mind your own business!

We are here for two different parishes, from what I understand!

-Everyone in their place. -Come here, what are you doing standing there?

-I'll sit here. - Why is he doing this? Come, let's have a chat!

The only thing that comforts me...

..it's the idea that soon I will be in that beautiful armchair...

- Do you do everything in an armchair? - Not you?

As I am, even on the ground! Two years of suffering!

- I understand. - However, since the arch and the push are fine for me...

..I thought it would be better on the cot. - It's an adjustable armchair...

And then there's that angel!

- The owner? - in confidence, I prefer the husband...

- This was understood! -Anyway, she too... - Make do!

- Good. - Is she good? - Don't say such vulgarities.

- it? - What do I care if she's good?

I'm only interested in that woman's hands!

- And everything else? - No, your hands!

Those beautiful tapered hands, diaphanous, transparent, marble!

Giambologna!

What does he do with these hands from Bologna?

It gives me a sprinkle, because I have a cave!

It's all rotten! Do you want to see it?

- Shall we start again? - I understand. - You're exaggerating!

- Let's finish it! - No... - I've already told you what parish I'm from!

I understand that it disgusts her, fix this thing!

After that... zac zac!

- Is that enough? - Enough.

After all this preparation, ''tapered hands, Gianburrasca''...

..and then: ''zac zac'', like rabbits? - That's the injection!

- How? - The injection so you don't feel!

- There ? - And where? - So as not to hear?

- Why, do you want to hear? - So what did I come here to do?

She doesn't know what she's getting into, she is a masochist!

Goodness! Ahh! I understand...

..his is devitalized. - No, he's vitalized indeed!

- So he wants to save him, keep. - Why doesn't she want to?

Let it go ! I've been trying in every way for three years!

- Nothing ! - By force ! -At this point, off you go!

> Ahhh!

-Tear! - Tear... - Listen to me, have it removed.

-Still ! - He'll rip it off anyway! He does it to everyone!

If she, who devitalized it and shaped it like a cave, has it torn up...

..full of pus, rotten and disgusting! You and your whore wife!

- My wife? Look, she... - Don't move with your hands!

His wife beats in Bologna, while she goes with the doormen...

..and goes through the gardens with Gianburrasca! - I'm an engineer!

It's a disgusting family! Bring that 8 year old here too...

-It's her turn. - No thank you. I'm fine like this.

I'm waiting for it to fail me in old age! Take it away from him! A lot!

(With a strong Apulian accent) Come down, guys. We are in Rome.

Give me your hand, Raffaele.

What are you doing, idiot? Give me a hand with the group!

Bitonto in column here on the right!

Raphael. Raphael!

Get behind the daughters of Mary. Without touching!

-They are the ones who touch me! -Go! - Right away !

-Shall we sing, children? -(together) Yes!

Pasquale!

SPEAK IN THE BED

- I did not understand. - Pasquale, Riccardo's son.

SPEAK IN THE BED

Do you remember me?

I became a priest and you?

You remained as you were, you haven't changed. You're round!

And the hair?

Always the same! We played football, you and me!

SPEAK IN THE BED

Ah, now I remember!

- Don Peppino? - Don Peppino! - Wretched man!

I didn't recognize you. SPEAK IN THE BED

THEY SPEAK IN THE BED VERY NARROW

I'm really pleased! Damn the poverty!

- Father, we are waiting for you! - Are you on the pilgrimage?

Yes. Raffaele calls me, I have to reach the group.

- HI. - Hello, many things.

-Congratulations. - Thank you. - Take care.

Stay calm. I found a childhood friend.

Damn Southerner! Who the fuck knows him!

PHONE RINGING Ready? Placement.

It's you ? Tell me. Where are you?

Have you already finished?

I found you a job.

A permanent position as municipal game warden.

You have to buy an ornithology book.

No, ornithology, a book about birds.

Don't be vulgar! Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

Tomorrow morning you have to go and take the exam at the municipality.

All right, bye.

Good morning.

I preferred to mix hunting and fishing!

I didn't know... Normal hunting, small hunting, big hunting...

..elephant hunting. Did you see the eagle?

''We will win!'' - Don't be funny and sit down! -Yes.

-My cousin Gaetano sent me. -Who? -Gaetano.

- I don't know any Gaetano. - Aren't you Mrs Branzoletti?

No, I'm replacing Mrs. Branzoletti.

- Well, it's all the same... -I hate recommended people!

-All right. -According to the new legal provisions...

..to become a game warden he must answer an ornithology quiz.

I have to evaluate his knowledge of the fauna to be saved.

Yes, well, stuff...

You have 10 seconds to tell me which species, subspecies and family...

..this specimen belongs and what is its name.

- Keep your hands still! Answer. -I only see the bird's ass!

- The tail. -Near the tail there is... -I want to help her.

- It's a resident. - It's permanent. This is important.

''Sedentary'' means that it is a bird that enters the room...

No. It goes into the corridor coming in from the kitchen... It's a domestic bird.

- Hurry. - Can't you show me your beak? - No.

- The wing. - No. - In our area we see all the birds.

- The eyes, the beak, the tail... - Tell me your name!

The priest's cock. ''Uccellus Pretorum''. In a joking sense.

It is a bird of the ''spidocchiamentus maialorum'' subspecies.

-They lice the pigs when... - He was wrong. - Yes.

It is a ''canaris argenteus italicus telorentis''.

De Laurentiis, Dinus. From the migratory family!

They go to America, then to London and then to Italy...

- No. Ma'am, please... - Miss, please!

I have a family, help me. He asks me questions and my head explodes.

- I have to work. I do not understand... -All right.

- I'll give you one last chance. - Thank you.

These two small birds are of the same species and subspecies...

..but from different families. In 20 seconds tell me their names.

- Yes, but always about... - Tail, please!

One has an inflamed undertail, it's red!

- You should put some ointment on him, poor little beast! - Answer!

- Sorry, I don't see. - Stand still with my glasses.

5 seconds!

4...

...3 seconds...

- What is he doing? - The headphones! I don't feel much...

- 2 seconds! - Seconds! Wait.

This is it ''saltinbeccus alla romanus''!

- Time is running out!

- ''lncrociatorus...'' Time is up. Good, good!

All's well that ends well and a hand washes...

- Here you are. - Come in. - Thank you. She is really kind.

How much salary will they give me, do you know? Did they promote me?

- You failed. - How?

- Rejected! - I have a family, ma'am. You have to help me.

As far as I'm concerned, she can even starve to death. Go.

One moment. What is his name ?

- He thought better of it. Did he promote me? - No.

I have to cross his name off the list. What is his name ?

fortune tellers. He has 10 seconds. Name, surname and tax code!

TV: ''Today tuna fishing is not achieving satisfactory results...''

You're a pig! An unfortunate man!

Are you crazy? Elena, you have to believe me!

-I was with Pasquale! -Who? - Pasquale, my cousin!

-We went to the cinema! -What movie did you see?

Overwhelmed... the blue sea!

''Swept away by an unusual destiny in the blue sea of ​​August''!

- Why did you come back at two? - Pasquale wanted to go to dinner!

After 2 years in prison he needed to be among people!

-What restaurant did you go to? -In Trastevere. - From whom?

- From the famous one, ''The Executioner''. - What did you eat? - The usual things.

- List them. - As an appetizer, the usual cold cuts.

- The cold cut. And first? - Bolognese tagliatelle.

- And second? - The usual chicken.

What part of the chicken? Which side dish and which dessert?

the fennel au gratin and the sweet margherita cake. Let's make peace!

Don't come closer, I have to check with Pasquale first.

Who knows when

you'll see it! BELL I'll go!

-We have already given. >Who was he? - The Red Cross!

DOORBELL Yes, the Red Cross!

Dear Pasquale! What did you do to your nose?

- It's the... -Shall we go to the cinema?

Yes. Thank goodness! I haven't seen a movie for 2 years!

Don't you remember that last night we went to the cinema?

We also talked about that job at the garage.

Ahh! Yes, now I remember!

- We went to the cinema, we talked about the garage. - Take a seat.

Thank you.

- Here we are. -I see you've been partying!

- A rant! - I guess! You threw them and he caught them!

Yes. So...

-At that time... - What movie did you see last night?

''Swept away by an unusual destiny in the blue sea of ​​August''.

1974, 79 minutes running time. Italy, Technicolor, Panavision, stereo.

-Do you want to know the credits? - No need, thanks.

-Have you already eaten? - Yes. - See you tomorrow...

On purpose ! Where did you go for dinner last night?

Where have we been? We went to the restaurant.

I know this. I don't want to be wrong...

..but I feel like someone is throwing them at me!

You know the respect I have always had for you.

You put your hand here. Far from me every... Better clarify!

It's better that way ! I would like to know which restaurant you went to.

you and me? A moment I remember.

- There was a level crossing. - In the restaurant?

Close to the restaurant... No, there wasn't a level crossing.

There was... We took a beating!

You can't go to a restaurant anymore, they give you some beatings!

It's a hooded restaurant.

They all have secret sect type glasses. No, not even that.

It was hot! The itch we had!

The sabre... With the hatchet... I don't remember...

''The Executioner'', in Trastevere!

-''the executioner'' of Trastevere! -What did you get?

- The appetizer. - The appetizer. -Shut up, you!

- I have to say it! - Which appetizer?

Ham and melon? That wasn't there, of course!

However, there was... We washed our hands because it's a chic restaurant!

Even the teeth! They give you a toothbrush, it's a crazy place!

They give you the toothbrush, the toothpaste and the hasty...

We ate ''hurriedly'', because the people there...

You have to book a month in advance! Salami and sliced ​​ham!

-Sliced ​​salami and ham. - And first?

First you eat the first course and then the thing...

I don't remember.

A misfortune happened: the cook cut his finger.

The hand, the whole arm...

The blood! He had a knife like this!

The customers were crying: ''Poor wretch, father of the

family!'' We took him to the hospital, there were no ambulances!

Then they did an operation on his tonsils, they cut them...

Tagliatelle! Why do you...

- The tagliatelle. - And second?

- You're interrogating me, Marisa! - Yes.

I have to remember the second one too. It's hot in here!

Secondly... the teeth again...

There you have to brush your teeth every 3 minutes, it's an obligation.

-We ate chicken. - And my husband?

Your husband took... the plane.

Wait. He took the plane because the owner is an Alitalia pilot.

- He'll let you get on the plane... - What part of the chicken did he get?

- What part of chicken did you get? - Don't be funny!

- The wing. -You. And him? - The engine, directly.

- The engine... - The thigh. - I said ''the engine'', because...

- And around the area? - Just don't get angry!

I have to remember, I don't have everything on the tip of my tongue.

- What side dish? - I have to remember...

There were many side dishes and they all went...

Yes, I had always thought this, since I was a boy...

He played with dolls, how bad it is!

Yes, this is a place frequented by gays...

..two entered... Indeed, many, an entire fleet!

They entered the room and... fennel.

Faggots, gays... Do you want to see that... fennel!

-Thank goodness I... - For dessert?

The dessert, that is... There they have...

Look, I am good and dear, let's not exaggerate...

..and then I lose my mind!

Yes. They make the hand-embroidered dessert there.

The owner is a former embroiderer from Florence.

Marisa, don't get angry. I have to remember...

We browsed... Oh yes! Now I remembered!

The owner has free-range chickens and gives them to you for free and you pluck them.

- Raw. -What ? - No, it's a seafood pie.

They put clams on the cake.

Marble clams, no, sea clams. Sea and marble go together.

Like straw and hay. They put real clams...

Damn yours! Damn me for getting myself into this mess!

I didn't want cake and I told him so.

Oh! All the fish that float to the surface...

..with chicken skin pie! And while the fish were on the cake...

..all the customers came in and they were all rich...

..the owner was too, but he is the richest of all.

Wretched! I've been talking about eating for four hours, about tagliatelle...

..of thighs, wings and engines, and I'm hungry!

I haven't eaten for two days! I am hungry !

- What are you doing ? - Don't interrupt me!

I am hungry. Don't touch me.

Come, Miss Felicita, lean on me.

- Radames. - Huh? - But...

- Miss Felicita? - Yes. - You should have seen her a few years ago...

...she's aged a little now, but once..

. She's aged and..

. -What time will we see you tomorrow? - Could you do me a favor?

- For goodness' sake, tell me. - The mitral valve is not good today.

I didn't touch anything, I was under the 127!

I'm not telling you! The mitral valve!

-Ah! At that time ? -I would like to go home.

Would you stay here tonight in my place?

With all my heart, but I can't. I have something important...

- I'll give you 10,000 lire. - I cannot. - I'll also leave you my dinner. - I tell you I can't.

- Sending that grace of God to waste... .

.that my wife brought! A nice loaf of fresh bread...

- I cannot. - The stew with sauce and celery...

- I cannot. - And the tagliatelle with ham.

- Is there also truffle? - Certain. - No!

I'm not leaving. I'm staying here. What should I do?

These are the keys. Eat it all!

-Please, always keep your eyes open. - Don't worry.

- We have to stay here... - Hello, Radames. -Hi, Pasquale.

-Beware of the ''machine gun''! - See you tomorrow ! - HI.

Fuck! Radames is keeping well!

Then the machine gun doesn't work!

Too much stuff!

ENGINE NOISE

WOMEN WHO PLANGE

Miss, what happened?

- An accident? - I'm so unhappy!

Oh, Lord! Don't do that. Be good!

Come down. Come.

-Stay calm, take a seat. Sit down. -Thank you. - What happened?

Don't think I'm stupid, but I'm so unhappy!

Because of my brothers. There are 10 of them and all retrograde.

Male chauvinists, obscurantists, chauvinists!

- Are they foreigners? - No, Sicilians!

- They say I provoke. - In what sense?

They say I'm an owl!

Let's not exaggerate! She's cute!

-She's like them too. -I am a man of experience and I know how to distinguish.

Well ! I like experienced men who know how to distinguish.

Do you think it's my fault if they all come out?

- No, it's the skirt's fault. - Do I seem provocative to you?

- No. It's normal... - Well done!

How do you find this sweater?

- Wool. -Yes, but punished?

- Extremely punished! -I want another opinion.

This summer they made a scene because I wore a bikini.

Really ? So these are truly old-fashioned people!

- Are we still tangoing? - The thong was more or less like this.

Doesn't he seem innocent to you? Huh?

Ehhhh!

What happened?

What happened? It must be the turning of the machine gun.

- Nothing. - Do you know that you are so nice?

Not like those vulgar people who always think about dirty things!

Yeah, I don't think about it.

I almost show her the birthmark I have under my breast.

No! No, it's too much.

- Too much what? - It's too hot here, too... cold.

I'm hot!

It must be the heating that is hot, cold, up, down...

I don't understand anything anymore!

-Ah! - Tie!

- Madonna dell'Incoronata, help us! -Now I feel fresher!

Instead I'm sick, everything is spinning.

- Can I tell you a secret? -Even two!

If I got angry with my brothers, I would want to spite them.

-Which ? - They do this because they want me to remain a virgin.

These things again?

- Here you are ! - If I got really angry with them...

..I wish I wasn't anymore! -What ? -Virgin !

GUTTURAL NOISE - It's the tonsils, I have an ulcer.

-Ah!

- Do you know who I would do it with? - No. - Exactly with a guy like her!

So kind and so confident.

Don't you hate your brothers at this point?

- Not so much. -How is it done?

These people still have a troglodyte mentality!

He thinks old-fashioned!

They are all male chauvinists, ''violinists'' and...

How is it done? We really need to disgust these people!

- He's right. - You have to hate them. Does he hate them now?

- I hate them, they make me angry! -Let's hate them both!

Let's have a good hate! Miss, I can't take it anymore!

- Endurance has a limit! > Carmela! - Who is ?

> Where are you? - Who is ? - Hate ! They are my brothers!

I face them.

Carmela! Where are you ?

Everything turns! Oh God, Blessed Madonna!

Did you hide?

> Carmela!

Where have you been hiding?

If I find you!

Come out, Carmela!

> Carmela!

BELLS

Carmela!

Oh! Carmelina!

It's the first time in history that a garage owner has had 92 cars stolen!

- 93, they stole yours too. - That's why I'm pissed off!

-What a figure! -We really looked like shit!

And the girl, what a figure! I had never seen her like this!

It had two eyes that looked like two headlights.

Two thighs that looked like American tires. And what ass!

- Was the backside good? - Huh? - Was the backside good?

Look ahead!

What a sweat!

This is the address of a bar where they need a waiter.

- This is a place in the cemetery. - But go! Why to the cemetery?

It's a gardener's assistant! Choose what you like! Understood ?

- Can I choose? -Yes. - I choose this one.

- I'll take the vehicle. -What time are you coming to pick me up?

2.20, 2.25... 4.45...

- No. - You get off at 2.00. What if I don't come? - I'll take your head off!

- Perfect. -HI. - HI.

Were you wrong again? And then drink!

All.

And now you pay me. 3,200 lire.

- And the rest? - I'll give it to you tomorrow.

- Are you still not ready? - Yes, I'm ready.

Remember that my name is Salvatore Gargiulo...

..and if you get a command wrong, I'll break you... - I already understand, thanks.

> Waiter! - Yes ?

- Here I am. - Waiter. - Here I am, command.

- I found a fly in the drink. - A fly?

I am sorry.

I washed it this morning!

Here you are. She drowned.

He didn't understand! I want another one.

- Another one? - Certain. Hurry up! - One moment.

BUZZ Here it is! I caught it right away!

It was taking off on its head!

Here you are !

Served.

In your opinion, what should our relationship be like?

Something special. Not the usual boring daily routine.

I ask my partner for something different, a life with...

- Do you want something? - A coffee. With a little humor.

Something different, special...

...extraordinary, fantastic, surprising!

- A coffee with humour. - That ?

With humour.

- It's not there, it's finished. Is it the same if I put Fernet in it? -Yes.

- What you ask me is a utopia. - Is it a utopia?

- Demanding that a woman... - Correct coffee. - Correct ?

- She ordered it. - I asked for a normal coffee.

- What do I do with this? - You drink it.

- Are you Tuscan? - Can you see it? - AND' the one who speaks badly of the Pope?

- God forbid! - Excuse me. Normal coffee? - Yes.

With utopia. Only with utopia can certain illusions be created.

A coffee with utopia.

With what?

We need a drop of utopia.

- You couldn't be wrong? - Do we want to do it normal?

For me everything is the same, as before.

Instead, do you know how I feel about our relationship now?

-Coffee. - No longer normal but cold, very cold!

- A cold coffee, very cold. -Do you remember my name?

- Gennaro Gargiulo and if I'm wrong he's in charge... - Well done!

They want a cold one.

You too are no longer that tender lover you once were.

- Cold. - Here you are ! ''Cold'' is correct.

While in every woman there is a burning desire for love...

- Cold and correct. -What does he say? Hot and very sweet!

This is how I understand a meeting, a passion...

You should have known that I'm not the type to make a lot of fuss!

My affection for you is normal, safe, daily.

- It may be as you say, but it's also... - Hot and very sweet.

No, bitter. So, so bitter!

Ahhh!

- Such a bitter coffee. -This time you were wrong.

- No. -You seem like an epileptic to me! So, what do you have?

Gennaro Gargiulo and if you make a mistake...

I dreamed of you more tender, more available, softer.

You would have wanted a romantic love, with rose water!

-With rose water? - Yes, sweet, very sweet!

- No, bitter. - Sweet ! - No, bitter!

- Sweet ! -Bitter! - Can't you reach an agreement? - No! - No!

It's too late now.

Time to have a coffee and goodbye forever!

- But what about coffee? - Waiter, Does this coffee arrive or not?

He arrives !

Think about it, love. We can still be happy.

- I offer you my love and affection. - No, I don't want it anymore.

Don't want it anymore? No, miss. She takes it all now!

Silence. This is correct and this is incorrect...

..humour, utopia, sweet, bitter, cold, very hot...

..and this is offered by the company!

- What is he doing? - Toscano corrected with cream!

One and two!

Ah! What lust!

- Either you're an idiot or you do it! - I was born just like that!

I gave you every chance, You've only caused me trouble!

You will work with me. Look. Everything is already clean...

..dust them off and then arrange them in alphabetical order.

- I've already spoken to the director. - Yes. -You have to make yourself appreciated.

- So I become office manager! - The director is an old-fashioned man.

He hates trade unionists, the absentees and the uranists!

-How? -The Uranists. -Those who urinate on themselves in offices.

I heard this on TV, but it's not their fault...

..if they have kidney DlSTROPSlA! - The Uranians are the fagots!

- In noble language it means ''faggot''! - I knew it.

- The director hates rich people! -Certain.

How come you've been working here for three years and he hasn't noticed that you're...

- I am joking ! - Don't be stupid!

You're always pissed off! I'm not stupid, I read, you know?

Especially on the issue of gays, I researched a lot.

They are divided into 2 categories: males and females, which are unisex...

..in English: ''sex-appeal''. They can be active, passive or reflective.

There are ''pediatricians'' and those who are actually females.

- Those who dress up, the ''travertines''! -Yes, the bricks!

I have to leave. If my wife calls...

..tell her that I bought the Perzia Adelina shoes.

Don't touch my desk!

- I have to work here anyway. - HI. - HI.

What a mess!

I like this.

THE PHONE RINGING

- Office of Gaetano Baudaffi. > Ready? I'm Marisa.

Hi, I'm Pasquale. I'm helping your husband.

> Didn't he tell you about the shoes? - Yes, they are here.

> What number are they? - I don't know, should I look? > Look.

Now I look. Number... It's not written there.

> What number do you have? - it? 42. > Please try them.

- Should I try a female shoe? > Do me this courtesy!

One moment.

Excuse me.

> Did you put them on? How are they going for you? - Huh? > How do they look on you?

Narrow. It will be 37, 38.

> Bring her some time, so you can widen them for me!

- Should I do it? > Yes. Put them on. - Yes, I'll put the other one too.

> Mr. Director! > Good morning, director!

> Good morning. > Director, good morning.

I'm widening! It will be 5 numbers less!

How do females walk on these stilts?

They shake, so they will make a jerking and undulating movement!

But the movement is also nice this way!

Good morning. I am Gaetano's cousin.

The cousin or the cousin?

Gaetano's aunt... I need to expand a couple...

- In my office I don't tolerate uranists. - Are you the director?

- Exactly. - Let's clarify.

I was demonstrating that when there is this movement...

I am not interested. Let's put an end to this scandal!

Give me time to clarify! He's gone!

Did you think so? They also had to mistake me for a rich guy.

They don't take off.

I also had to keep the key in my hand!

I'll pass this way.

It's iron.

Goodnight to the bucket.

-She again? - Sorry, I was just looking to see if...

- There's nothing to look at. - Let's clarify. The water, the shoe...

Go away and be ashamed, voyeur, filthy!

I'm not filthy, I go to mass every Sunday!

-Go! - Let's clarify that... -Go away!

> Ahh!

He mistook me for a rich guy! To me, the ''plunger of the board''!

What a current!

They were in alphabetical order. Gaetano will kill me!

This is a hurricane, it's not windy!

Does everything have to happen to me? More ''unlucky'' than that, you die.

I don't even take one.

- Where is that pig? - Filippo, have you returned?

Yes, to discover everything! Are you in the closet? Come out.

In the bedside table, bastard!

There is no one here. Don't do as usual!

At this point...

Ahh! The head!

-I discovered you, finally! You come. - it? -Yes.

You come.

- Permit. Excuse me. - I only have six bullets.

-I'm sorry, if I knew, I was carrying something. -Shut up!

-What do you want from me? -I finally caught you.

- No, there's a misunderstanding, I was on the terrace... - To escape myself. - No!

You dared to betray me with this ''thing''? Ugly, fat, bald!

- Alain Delon spoke! - Filippo, I swear... - Don't swear.

I should kill you both, locked in a dirty embrace.

-I'll unload the magazine on you. -To me? Do it to her!

-What have I got to do with it? -Undress!

- Come on, Filippo, please! - Come on, Philip!

-Undress or I'll undress you to death. -I'll undress while I'm alive, it's better.

-All right ? - Yes. -Hug her. -Your wife? - Yes.

- Don't dare! - He said no. -Hug her!

-Hands off, pig! - in short, what should I do? -Hug each other!

- I hug him. - Stop, don't move.

To ascertain the flagrant adultery, I lock you in...

..and I call the police.

I'm going to call the police!

Should I go and call the firefighters? Darnit ! They all happen to me!

He knows that we care about one thing above all.

Do you guarantee the morality of your staff?

Our staff is a mirror...

..which reflects the three cardinal virtues of our agency.

Seriousness, discipline, absolute morality.

Mr. Director, excuse me. The circumstances are against me...

..but I'm absolutely not a uranist. I was there...

..and the man came at me. I told him to go to his wife.

It was the wife who... At the moment of recoil...

Sorry, Mr. Director, I want to clarify that...

Until we meet again. Eminence.

Now I understand what kind of staff you have. Good morning.

Luckily I picked up the dress from the dry cleaners. Put them on.

I wanted to see you in my place! Did I have to go out naked?

-Ahh! -What happens ? - What is it, a nail?

- No, they're the usual pins. - It burns. - You have a nice scratch.

Stay like this, I'm going to find some alcohol.

They all happen to me.

Burn! I can't resist anymore.

Out !

Director...

Out !

- Gaetano. - I don't want to see you anymore.

Help me, I'm really sick. I've been sleeping on a bench for two nights.

-I eat nettles, I have hives! - I can't, you shamed me.

-Gaetano, I'll kill myself. -Let's hope !

- But I'll have the newspapers write that it's your fault. - I don't care!

- Give me one last chance, then I walk out of your life. -All right.

- But it's the last time. - Thank you.

Too ugly. Too fat.

- Too dirty. - Too much of an asshole.

- Here you are ! Go to the countess Esterilde Toro of Seville. - Yes.

- They need extra. - Extraterrestrial? - No.

-What extras? - An extra waiter. You have to rent a tuxedo.

And do everything they tell you.

- If they're rich... - Everything they tell you! -All right.

-Thank you, Gaetano, you're good, you are beautiful. HI. -HI.

- Gaetano, will you give me 17,000 lire? - No.

FLAMENCO

THEY SPEAK SPANISH

VOICE NOT AUDIBLE

- It's finished. -Ah!

Master Eisenstein, his vodka.

''Goods.''

- Why doesn't the gypsy singer come? - He's late.

-Shall I go and see? - Yes.

- Good evening, Marquise. - Good evening.

- Thank you. - Fur, please.

- Good evening, count. - Put it away. -Right away.

What are you doing ? I spent 80,000 to rent it.

-What does he want? -I'm the extra.

Sorry for the delay, Gaetano sent me.

- The gypsy? - Yes, Gaetano. - The gypsy who ''baila''?

Even the nurse? He told me to do whatever.

SPEAKS SPANISH - Just give me the ''dinero''!

Olé! The gypsy! (in Spanish) There is the singer.

(in Spanish) Come, gypsy. - Yes, Gaetano sent me.

- Give me the jacket. - I spent 80,000 lire!

THEY SPEAK SPANISH

- Sing. - Thank you.

One moment! I'm not a real singer.

They are ''arranged''. Do I sing the same? I sing ''La Filumena''.

Who is Filumena?

VOCl NOT HEARD

This is a sad story, ''lords and gentlemen''.

An Anglo-Iberian-Apulian song...

..the sad story of Filumena, my wife.

My wife is Gaetano's cousin.

It's a similar story to the drama ''Dallas''. It's ''Puglias''.

(sings) ''Filumena, muy hermosa...''

''..she ran away from Canosa.''

''Filumena galopera passed through Lucera.''

''With all my torment, I looked for it in Salento.''

''A night full of rain, they also saw it in Foggia."

''I am desperate, but I'm not scared."

''I'm full of libido, horny, horny...''

''..and also a little...

''..stupid!''

-Shh! -''I was looking for it until yesterday...''

''..also by the Carabinieri.''

''Where is Filumena?''

(together) ''Who knows!''

''I also searched for my soul from the police.''

''Where is Filumena?''

(together) ''Who knows!''

''I looked for it, my amigos...''

''..in the Digos offices.''

''Whence is Filumena, what are you doing?''

(together) ''Who knows!''

- ''Maybe she went to Sanremo.'' (together) ''What the hell do we know!''

-''Maybe it's at Lake Comacchio.'' -''We don't know shit.''

''Where is Filumena?''

- ''What does Filumena do?'' - ''I know what Filumena does!''

''Why didn't you tell me before?''

(together) ''Filumena...''

''..she's a whore!''

How rude!

Olé! APPLAUSE

(Russian accent) Great idea for my next film ''Battleship Potemkin.''

- Gentlemen, the party is over. Good night. - Good night.

- Baudaffi Pasquale. - Present. - Serial number 00761.

- Blood pressure? - 80/120. - Maclega's reaction? -4.75.

- Valenrose's reaction? - 16.5. -Gamma glutamyltranseptin?

-28 percent. - Alkaline phosphatase? -0.57 percent.

- Kunkeburgman reaction? -42.9 positive alpha.

- Have you taken Cortison Chemicetina? - No, the subway.

Come.

- Well ! Mr... - Baudaffii Pasquale.

He responded to the advert and was immediately hired. What do you think?

-Really beautiful. - I was talking about the factory.

Pretty ! All those machines!

The most sophisticated developments of cybernetics.

But for us the most precious asset are our dear workers.

- She! Please take a seat. - Thank you. - Hiee!

- Here is his workplace. - Thank you. - Please.

Come in.

Let's activate.

-What color is this? - Red. - Good.

- This ? -Green. - Very good!

You will now hear a buzzer.

At the first sound of the buzzer the red light turns on.

At the second sound of the buzzer the green light turns on.

At the third sound it turns everything off.

- This is his job. - That's all? - Yes.

-Simple ? -Very. - Thank you, his satisfaction is a reward.

Hiee!

CALL SOUND Red !

Nothing.

CALL SOUND Ah! Green.

Red and green.

SOUND OF THE BUZZER THE BUZZER RINGS

REPEATEDLY Wait a minute, I'm blowing my nose.

- How is it going ? - Well. - You're a bit bored, aren't you?

- Well, yes. -Then do me a favor.

ClCALlNO Red.

- If it doesn't bother you. - No! Between one interval and another...

-Green ! ..between a red and a green...

..it should activate the teleprinter with the ''q''.

- With the cu... - the ''q'' button. - The letter!

With the ''q'' key you activate, with the ''s'' key...

-Yes ''passive''! - No, it deactivates. Do you see?

With the ''q'' you activate, with the ''s'' it is deactivated.

This must be done for eight holes. THE BUZZER RINGS REPEATEDLY

One moment, I'm talking to the director!

-Clear ? -Yes. -Simple ? - Very simple.

Your satisfaction is our best reward.

Piripiripi! Hiee! PERNACCHlA

Did he piss me off?

ClCALlNO

The ''q''! ClCALlNO

ClCALlNO

ClCALlNO

THE BUZZER RINGS REPEATEDLY One moment! I'm doing the ''q''.

THE PHONE RINGS

ClCALlNO

THE PHONE RINGS The ''q''!

THE PHONE RINGS AND THE CALL IS green!

PHONE RING Where ? Yes ?

(teletype voice) Wrong hole. -Sorry, I have the eight holes.

Not the ossobucco, the eight holes of the ''thing''! Excuse me.

(teletype voice) Wrong hole! Wrong hole!

Excuse me. I knew it. I'm on the phone.

Yes. It said ''wrong hole''. ClCALlNO There

isn't. I don't know where he is. I'm the new employee.

I don't have time, call back another time. Holy shit!

THE BUZZER RINGS REPEATEDLY One moment! I was replying.

- How is it going ? - Very good.

- First they called for her. I replied. - He did well.

Come. You should do me a favor. If they were to call back...

..you could answer that Dr Isn't Thomas at the office? - That's all?

- If he answers the phone, you should do me a favor. - Yes.

- It should activate this ''z'' circuit. - Is that enough?

- While he's here, if you don't mind... - No!

Here is a lever. It is used to deactivate the ''z'' circuit.

In this way!

- Before answering the phone? - Yes.

When the phone rings I come here, activate the ''z'' circuit...

..I deactivate it and then say: ''Doctor Thomas is not in office.''

- Clear ? - Yes. - Very simple. - Yes please.

Your satisfaction is our best reward.

Hiee! Hiee! Piripiripi!

Piripiripiri... Hiii... Boh?

ClCALlNO

The red one!

PHONE RING

PHONE RING AND RING

Ah! The ''z''!

PHONE RING Yes ? Doctor Thomas isn't there.

- How is it going ? - Very good.

PHONE RING -Wait. - Yes.

''Z'' !

- Doctor Thomas is not on site. - Well done, I'm pleased. Come.

- What is this? - A whistle? - Horn.

Whistling in the horn... Please !

FlSCHlO ..activates the penalty ''y'' circuit.

- Then, if you don't mind... - No! ..here is a lever to deactivate.

Clear ?

Let me recap for a moment. When the phone rings...

..activate the ''z'' circuit... and I deactivate it. - Good.

Then I say: ''Doctor Thomas is not in office.''

- The penalty... -Yes! - Then I come here...

- Easy. -Thank you. His satisfaction...

(Together) ..it's our best prize.

VERSACl

PHONE RING

Penalty!

Doctor Thomas is not on site.

VERSACl

ClCALlNO Red. The ''q''.

ClCALlNO Green.

One, two, three... eight holes. PHONE RING

PHONE RING There isn't.

''..it's our best prize.'' There is no rigor!

Punishment. Horned referee. He is not on site.

Circuit ''z''! PHONE RING

- There isn't. (teletype voice) Wrong hole.

PHONE RING, CALL NO AND TELESCREEN VOICE

(teletype voice) Wrong hole.

Green. Red. Press here.

Doctor Thomas isn't there.

Head ! Head ! PHONE RING

Penalty! 11 meters.

Bravo.

Director, your satisfaction is our best reward.

- Do you have a broom? - Why ? - My bottom is free.

While I'm at it, I'll clean up the environment!

VERSACl

Hate ! Rains ?

Go away!

Nero!

Dude, come here. Where are you going ? Don't run away!

Don't make me run, I'm weak. What a blow to the empty stomach!

Nero, handsome, come.

Nero, don't run.

Get caught, blessed little dog.

Benedict Nero.

Ahh! Cursed Nero!

Nero, handsome, come.

Nero!

My Nero! Luckily you're back!

Nice one, Nero! Mother's love, you are back.

Dude, give mom a kiss.

Thank you.

Beautiful, my love, you're back, finally!

How are you ? What did they do to you?

You ate ? Tell mom if you ate.

We didn't eat either.

- I imagine he'll want the great reward. - That's why I'm here.

I always keep my promises. Unfortunately !

I would have done anything to get my little treasure back.

-Love ! - Ma'am, how much is the reward?

It's not about money.

As you wish. Traveler's checks and stamps are also fine.

No! Stay there, love. It's a much more precious thing.

Don't give me jewels, otherwise they think that I...

In recent days I was so sad that I made a vow.

I would have offered my whole body to whoever had brought Nero back to me!

Don't bother, it's okay.

A body that ever since my poor husband left me...

..no other man's hand has touched it. - I understand why!

- Is the reward 500,000 lire? - No! - Too. 200,000? - No!

As painful as it may be, votes must be maintained. Come.

- Let's say 220,000? - No! - Half a ham? - No!

- Four eggs? -Come, you won't regret it.

- Ma'am... -Yes? - A supplì?

> Ah! My Pasquale! Who are you ?

> Where have you been all this time? > In Regina Coeli.

-Ahh! - My goodness, what a burden!

Hello, Nero. I made my vote. In fact, I made four!

I'm not 20 anymore! I was also malnourished.

You returned to your villa, I'm going back to my municipal villa.

- Hello, Nero. - Who is ?

- Who am I? - Raquel Welch? - No, I'm Palmira. -Darnit !

How, Pasquale? Do you want to go away?

Just now that you have upset my life with your passion?

Come, my insatiable samurai!

Nero, as they say... ''We did 30, let's do 31!''

Palmyra!

Pasquale, love is a wonderful thing!

- From here to eternity! -Gone with the Wind.

RlDE Luciano, I liked you! Bravo.

-You and I made the whole film. - Call me in lei.

Why ? Haven't we made a good movie, you and me?

Call me lei in public.

In public? There is no one here.

Someone might pass by.

If you put it on this tone, let's address each other in a formal way.

- Should I call you Excellency? - Doctor. -All right.

Doctor, at least give me a critical opinion of this film.

-Do you want a critical opinion? - Yes.

FlSCHl

(in German) Ready...

...bet...

..fire !

No, for goodness sake!

Song: ''Yes, Ja, Oui.''

''Yes, that's right. Yes, Oui.''

''The big brother says to his little brother: Come forward, idiot."

''Little brother answers big brother...''

''..Come forward, cool guy!''

''If you are an idiot, only you know..."

''..when someone is stupid, so is Peru."

''There is an idiot in Syracuse and one in Timbuktu...''

''..one among the Piedmontese and one among the Hindus.''

''Come forward, you idiot, come forward, idiot..."

''O yes!''

''Come forward, you idiot, come forward, idiot..."

''O yes!''

''Come forward, you idiot, come forward, idiot..."

''I am coming. What manners!''

''You never knew!''