Original subtitles

- David Hassel-- - David Hasselhoff--

According to the Guinness Book of World Records

over 1.1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff

at the height of his fame... but where did the viewers go?

After his comeback tour was pulled by US promoters,

is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up?

David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.

According to his UK manager, he is leaving the United States

to pursue opportunities in England.

The British relaunch of David Hasselhoff has ended in disgrace after he was caught

performing for a notorious warlord.

After being implicated in a child abduction,

is David Hasselhoff now unemployable?

You cheated on me?

Max and I have decided to part company.

You are a national treasure.

There's just nothing he can't do.

I mean, he wants to do Macbeth, he can do Macbeth.

Romans, countrymen and lovers.

I got goosebumps then, when you did that.

I'm Max Coleman and I'd like to represent you.

- I'm on TV. - Oh...

- Like you used to be. - Oh, right.

Here's your costume.

I haven't worn shorts on television in 20 years.

Celebrity cage fighting!

No, fuck off!

No, no, that man there happens to be a great man.

Who I'm proud to call my friend.

Thanks, Max.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you heard of Yorkshire?

- Yorkshire? - It's kind of like the British...

French Riviera.

The north of England tends to be about 20, 30 years behind the south,

so, it's perfect for you.

I've got a big opportunity for you up there.

- Yeah? - Yup.

- It's a gig. - What is it?

- A festival? - It's kinda like a festival.

- Yeah? - If a festival was a wedding.

It's a wedding?

You could put it like that, it's a wedding.

I don't do weddings.

I do festivals, stadiums... Weddings, no.

This is what I keep telling people.

David Hasselhoff doesn't do weddings.

- He's a rock star. - Thank you.

But this wedding happens to pay £150,000.

How long is the set?

Patricia and Greg's wedding set list,

- "Jump in My Car." - Classic.

- "Crazy For You." - Classic.

- "Looking for Freedom." - Classic.

"You're the One That I Want"?

That's from Grease.

It's a duet with a girl.

I could do that. I could jump in and do the girl bits.

I've actually got a very, surprisingly supple falsetto.

Is that where they make Yorkshire pudding?

- Yes. - I've been over here so many years,

I've never had Yorkshire pudding.

- Put it on the rider. - Put it on the rider.

I will stick that on the rider.

Put Yorkshire pudding on the rider.

I'm going to stick it on the rider.

£150,000 and Yorkshire pudding.

Great.

I've never seen a contract like that, but yeah.

I'm in.

I didn't think that was going to be the thing that clinched it.

But, cool.

- Oi, oi. - Oh, what is Danny doing here?

We're going up north, mate, we're going to need reinforcements.

- Do you know what I mean? - Have you not seen The Wicker Man?

Exactly. Oh, I forgot my passport.

I'll be back. I'll be back.

You don't need your passport, Terry. It's not another country.

What about the language they speak though?

English. They speak English.

- That's English? - Yes.

It's Yorkshire. You need back up.

They eat their young if they don't suckle.

They got their own language. Everything means something else.

"Ey up," that means, begin sexual intercourse.

I've never actually been out of zone six, London.

I don't really like to go out of the country much.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm not saying I'm racist but,

I just don't like foreigners.

All right, let's go get some Yorkshire pudding.

Let's do it.

Whoa.

That's what I mean about Yorkshire.

My mum's mate's from Yorkshire. She just sits on a stoop all day

just eyeballing everyone, muttering to herself like John Wayne.

Let's just get back in the car. We'll be back in London before anyone

even knows we were here. We don't have to do this.

Lets' just get in the car--

Oh, David! David.

Whoa.

- Oh, my God! - Hey, how are you?

I can't believe David Hasselhoff is standing over me!

It was like...

I mean, I thought, if I got shot or strangled now or like,

a blow to the head,

and I suddenly died, and like haemorrhaged,

I'd be okay, because I've met David.

Oh, my God! You're so tall and you're so brown.

- Yeah. I'm from California. - Hi.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm actually meeting you.

- Yeah. - I'm shaking.

- No, its okay. - Sorry, my lip keeps sticking to my teeth.

- Yeah. - I am literally your number one fan.

- Really? - In the world. It's me.

Very nice to meet you.

David, this is Patricia. She's the bride.

- I'm the bride. - Oh, she's the bride.

That's why she's wearing the dress.

I think there's so many things about David, his height...

He's so brown and shiny. He's like a sort of magic conker.

Congratulations on your wedding day! - Can I ask you something David.

- Yes... - David, what is it like being you?

Well, I've been myself my whole life

so, I really don't know what it's like to be me.

David, you are so funny.

Oh, good man, you can get our luggage, it's in the boot. Thank you.

I'm the groom.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh! Hi.

Sorry. Oh, my God, sorry. Congratulations on your special day.

- She's the bride, I'm the groom. - I apologise.

Oh, don't worry. It doesn't matter. - I'm sorry.

Yeah, I own Lothersdale Motors.

One of the biggest car dealerships in Yorkshire.

Okay. Great.

Top regional car salesman for the last three years.

- Probably four. - Good.

I have seen you perform live everywhere, haven't I, Greg?

Germany. I've been everywhere. All over Europe.

Oh, um, how was the ceremony?

Yeah, it was great, yeah. Vicar did a grand job.

Really special, wasn't it, Patricia? - Yeah, it was,

but it's not as special as meeting you, David.

- This is like the absolute highlight. - Right, come on then.

All right. Cheers. Ta-ra.

Bye, David.

- I'll see you later though. - C'mon.

It's our first goodbye.

Greg, don't pull me.

Here you go, lads. There you go.

Sorry, could I... Do you mind if I get?

Er... Are you all right, mate, how are you doing?

Ah, what craft lagers have you got?

Where are you from?

London.

What? Have you got a problem with people from London?

Well, you're all twats.

Fair enough.

Grandma Sally. Grandma Sally.

This is David Hasselhoff.

She didn't think you'd come. She's beside herself.

Hi. Pleased to meet you. You look lovely.

Isn't he tall, Grandma Sally?

- That is such a beautiful suit. - Thank you. Thank you.

Not like Greg's suit. Think he got his in the supermarket.

Oh, you're so muscly.

You know, he won an arm wrestling competition against Arnold Schwarznegger.

Oh, er, that's not true. It was John Travolta.

You're dead funny, David.

David.

Hasselhoff.

He was not happy and I didn't, you know, I don't want to be around someone

who's not happy, who's jealous. It's happened to me before,

where I've been picked up, and thrown into a swimming pool

by a jealous husband, or a jealous boyfriend,

because they just had enough.

Greg's a little bit, you know, of a stick-in-the-mud, erm, about,

you know, dressing up and stuff.

And I'm like,

really, you know,

if you just pop a David Hasselhoff mask on, you know, things would be

so much better for you.

You'd get a lot more out of the relationship.

Sex wise.

You all right?

Name's Terry, head of security for the Hoff.

I like your quilted jacket.

Did you get that from London?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, lovely little boutique store called TK Maxx.

And your hair, it's so shiny.

I like it greasy.

Filthy this one.

Annabelle, why don't you go and help with Trisha?

- But I was just-- - Annabelle.

Have some self-respect.

Get stuffed, Greg.

I'm talking to my new friend.

Keep your hands off her.

She's maid of honour.

That means something up here.

Go on.

Sorry, mate, I didn't really understand any of that.

- Go on, fuck off. - Yeah, I got that.

He looked a bit mental so I thought, leave it, it's not worth it.

Do you know what I mean? I could have got noshed quickly

but I don't know, what the fuck, he looked a bit, you know?

So, I thought, it's not worth a nosh.

Sometimes, you know, you nosh, you live to nosh another day.

You know, they come up here

with their hair-dos and their white teeth,

and their moisturised foreheads,

and they think they're it.

They think that butter won't melt in their mouths, and it does.

Butter does melt in your mouth.

Greg has the look of a man who's killed before

and is haunted by it,

but not enough to not do it again.

David.

David? Come and join us for the photos. - Yep.

No problem. Okay. All right.

Hi. I love your hat.

I just want you right between me and Greg.

I'd prefer to be on the side, okay?

Oh, no, no, no.

This is how I want it, right between me and Greg.

All right. Whoa.

Why don't you pretend to be Mitch in Baywatch and I'll pretend to be Pammie.

Okay. All right.

Hold it there. Lovely.

And...

Excuse me.

What are you playing at? Stop being so fucking charming.

I'm not being fucking charming. She grabbed my ass.

David, what about one of just you and me?

- Okay. - Just us together.

Would you mind, sorry, getting right out?

Thanks ever so much. Greg, get back please.

- I'm going to be in it, obviously. - No, it's just me and David.

Patricia, I'm the groom.

Greg, you've been in loads of pictures today just--

This is my wedding.

I know it's your wedding but it's also my wedding

and I want a picture with David, please. Sorry, David.

Everybody right out 'cause I don't want anyone on the edges, Greg.

There you go, David. Greg.

Okay, hold it there.

This one's for you. And...

Excuse me, mate, er, sorry.

Would you mind?

Could we just get a couple of Weiss beers, please?

- Weiss beers? - Yeah.

Ah, wheat beers. They're from Germany.

Yeah, I know what a Weiss beer is. It's just, we haven't got any Weiss beers.

And even if we did have any Weiss beers, this isn't table service.

So, as much as I'd love to scuttle over there and get some Weiss beers

and just bring them back to you and help you

pour them down your smug, self-satisfied southern suck-hole,

I'm afraid it's a pleasure I'm just going to have to forego.

- Okay. - You're a dick.

Am I being paranoid or is that bloke rude?

I thought he was rude,

but I didn't know if I was being paranoid.

I mean, I sort of thought, that might be how they all are.

So, I didn't want to be, sort of, culturally insensitive.

Patricia, you look incredible today.

You look incredible every day.

And every day after that.

I love ya, in so many ways,

and for so many reasons.

You know me, and you understand me.

You have this way of bringing out the best in me.

Er, I wrote you a poem.

This is a poem that I wrote me self.

"Patricia, you're my pride and thunder,

I love your eyes, your sense of wonder."

It sounds silly but it was just one of those, you know,

little moments when you just catch each other's eye, and you're like...

It was just a really special moment, and, I knew, I could hear Greg,

like, going on in my ear but...

Really, I think I was just, I don't know...

"You were sent to me from skies above, I want to be your only love.

I'm so proud that you're my wife, I know we'll have a lovely life."

Where's the mic?

Right, I'm going to make it brief.

We all know how obsessed Patti is with David Hasselhoff.

If she could marry him now, then she would,

and Greg would have to pack his bags.

In fact, if it were up to me, Greg,

I'm building up to something,

I might as well say it,

I've been holding it in for six months.

Here's something you don't know about Greg.

Oh, no.

Greg, you fucking run over my dog, Frankie.

I know it was you.

I know you helped me put up all the signs round town and pretended to care.

But I've seen the CCTV footage and it was your fucking Audi.

So, I knew it was you.

You're a dog murderer.

You actually accelerated.

And I know I said, I wasn't going to cry.

But I did.

And because David Hasselhoff is here today,

it truly is a special day for Patti.

At least it means we've got a real man here.

Dick.

These people are friggin' nuts.

- David. - Patricia, this is our first dance.

Yeah, I know and David's only here for one night.

David, do you want to join us for our first dance.

Oh, er, I'm going to sit this one out, because I have to sing really soon.

Can't wait.

Okay. All right. Thank you.

- I love you, David. - Yeah, you look beautiful, yeah.

- Thank you. - All right. Okay.

Have fun. Right. Yeah.

This thing's gonna turn ugly, like, really quick, guys.

All right, then, you can just sing your songs and then we can go.

You think those three guys over there care about me singing?

It's gonna kick off, Max.

It was intimidating.

Erm, I felt like I was,

in a room,

surrounded by

50 to 100 clones

of the people who bullied me at school.

Okay, one of us needs to introduce David.

Normally I'd do it but I don't think this is my audience.

Who's the most northern?

Terry, you're working class.

You can do it.

Get up there, just say the sort of shit that this scum likes, yeah.

What, kind of like Peter Kay, northern banter?

Yeah, that sort of stuff.

All right, cool.

One two. One two.

Yorkshire, make some noise.

Woo.

Ey up, lads.

Northern accent.

Get 'n t'car.

What I should have done is just try to blend in

because I would have been able to do that.

I think I could have passed for a Northerner.

I want chips,

and I want gravy with them,

and I want it now.

Anyway, erm,

gonna introduce you to one of my best friends in the world,

if not the best friend in the world.

Er, I actually knocked one out to him, not in a gay way,

watching Baywatch for Pammie, last frame, Hoff.

Pouf, everywhere... Oh, no...

So, the only man I ever climaxed to,

David-mother-fucking-Hasselhoff!

For you. For you.

♪ Come on and jump in my car

♪ I wanna take you home

♪ Come on and jump in my car

♪ It's way too far to walk on your own

♪ No, thank you, sir

♪ Ah, come on, I'm a trustworthy guy

♪ No, thank you, sir ♪

Some people might just go, oh, Jump In My Car,

it's, like, a stupid pop song.

Erm...

You know, I think, when people say that, I just like, laugh in my head, like,

ugh, to myself, because I think,

actually, it's really complex.

It's, like, "Get in my car" and they're, "No, we don't want to."

Of course, they really do want to get into his car.

Then it kind of all changes,

and you're like, "Oh, they're never gonna get into the car."

And then it's like, "Oh, my God, they're going to get in the car."

- What are you doing? - You're embarrassing yourself.

The only person you're embarrassing is yourself by rowing in front of everybody.

- No, I'm not. - Here, have your ring back.

♪ She's got me there but I'll get her yet

♪ You've got you there

♪ No, you didn't I was catching my breath

♪ And look, it's starting to rain, and Baby, you'll catch your death

♪ Well, I don't know

♪ Ah, come on, it costs nothing to try

♪ We'll ride home nice and dry ♪

Max, let's get out of here. I got to go.

At that moment, I realised, oh, my God, here we go again.

I don't care about pudding.

I don't care about money.

Lets' get out of here.

What the fuck? Who slashed my tyres? The space wagon?

It must have been Greg or one of those, fucking Hills Have Eyes.

All right. What the fuck are we going to do now? We're trapped.

Right, we've got rooms here. Let's spend the night.

No. No. No. I'm not going back in there. No way.

We can't stay here, they're going to kill us.

We're fucked. Part of me just said, why don't we just sleep in the boot.

We lock the... I mean, the tyres don't work.

We'll get in the boot, all of us, and we'll lock it,

from the inside, and just wait till sun up.

But David's got his knee and he's like, "I don't want to be in the boot."

In there, there's four, five scary Northerners.

Out there, there's fucking 1000s of them.

At least we know we've got shelter.

We've got booze.

We've got the biggest Iceland buffet I've ever seen.

Oh, I've been looking for you everywhere.

- I am so sorry. - No, it's...

I am so sorry about Greg.

Oh, no, no. That's okay. We were just outside getting some fresh air and, and...

Where is Greg?

- Yeah, where is he? - He's gone off with his dickhead mates.

He won't be back for ages. They're all going to get pissed.

They'll all be drinking whisky somewhere. I'm really sorry, I feel awful.

No, it's okay.

I just really wanted to have a toast with you on my wedding day

- but you probably don't want to... - We'll have a toast, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah. - Do you mind?

- I don't drink though. - I know. I know.

- I got you an orange juice especially. - Oh, ha, thank you. That's perfect.

It's premium so it's got the bits in.

Yeah, okay. All right.

- Umm. - To my wedding day.

Yeah. To your wedding day.

Oh. Wow. Okay.

Um. Mmm.

Oh, God.

- Why are you in my bed? - My bed.

This is my bed, isn't it?

Why am I so hung over?

I only had one drink. They wouldn't serve me all night.

I feel like someone shat in my mouth.

What happened last night?

I can't remember. I blacked out. I don't know.

What's the last thing you lot remember?

David was singing and there was a man that looked like he was going to kill him.

Let's just get David and get out of here. - Yes, please.

Whoa, why have a got a boner? What happened last night?

It's a morning boner. Morning boner's don't carry meaning.

Oh, fuck.

All right, let me just wank this off and then we'll go, yeah?

No time. Do it in the car.

Oh, I can't feel my legs.

I can't feel my legs.

David?

Oh, my God.

- Fucking hell, look at this. - Classic signs of a struggle.

He's not fallen off the wagon again, has he?

Nah, probably just letting off steam.

Hold on. Why's the window open?

Why's he left his phone? He never leaves his phone.

Hold on, look, there's a note.

"Hi, guys, hope you slept well.

Just going back to London.

- Donut..." - Don't.

"Don't wait for me. Ta-ra. David Hasselhoff."

He's gone back to London with Tara?

He signed it David Hasselhoff. Isn't that a bit formal?

Who the fuck was Tara?

Ta-ra.

- Ohhh. - Hold on.

That's northern language.

Oh, shit. Come on.

David.

You all right, mate?

Have you seen David Hasselhoff about?

Okay, mate, I get it.

I know you hate me.

I know you hate my face

and everything that comes out of my mouth and

anyone that doesn't live within one mile of you.

I do understand that, but I'm just asking you a question, mate.

Have you seen David Hasselhoff?

He's American.

Orange.

He's got a deep sadness behind the eyes.

Maybe he couldn't handle his Weiss beer?

That's 'cause of the joke he made last... The other day.

- Yeah. Yeah, I got it. - Northern banter.

Listen, mate,

I don't give a fuck about you.

I don't give a fuck who you are looking for.

I just don't give a fuck.

Move.

Cheers, mate. Thank you so much for your help.

You've been absolutely brilliant.

We will be all over Trip Advisor. Six stars all the way for you.

No, don't do that, 'cause he wasn't that good.

All right, Patricia?

Did you sleep well, boys?

Ooh, how are we all doing? All a bit hung over, I imagine?

Naughty. Naughty. Naughty.

- I saw you doing the snake. - Sorry, what?

- And the worm. - What's the worm?

Did you get your cock out?

The breakdancing competition.

- You won it. - Really?

We don't seem to be able to find David. Do you know where he is?

Last night was a bit of a whirlwind, I'm afraid.

I still can't believe he sang at my wedding.

Do you know where your husband is?

Greg? Oh, I don't know. He didn't come back last night.

He's sometimes like this.

He gets in one of his dark moods.

Although he hasn't actually been violent for at least 12 months so...

- Oh, that's good. - Yeah.

He's probably sat outside in his car, listening to Adele records.

That's what he does when he gets in a strop.

Why would he be in a strop?

I told him I, erm,

took all the money out of our savings

to pay for David to sing at our wedding.

Anyway, I'd better go for a bit of a lie down in my room.

I'll see you all later, boys.

Greg's got a bit of a temper and that's, you know, it's nice because, you know,

erm, every day's a little bit different.

You don't know if he's going to be like,

grumpy and horrible or quite nice.

But at the end of the day, it's all fine, we've never had to call...

Well, we called the police, maybe,

twice... Three...

About... Less than five times.

I could count the number of times I've called the police on one hand.

This is your fault, Terry. This is your fault.

You're meant to be head of security. You shouldn't have lost him.

No, this is your fault, Max.

You booked him in a place without researching what sort of people they were.

Oh, my fault, is it? My fault? For actually booking David a gig?

Yeah, in fucking Narnia, where they're all psychopaths.

Right, well, Narnia was fictional, and they were all nice in Narnia.

Well, if they were so nice, why were they always battling?

Because it's a story.

For heaven's sake, listen. Stop arguing.

We need to find Hoff, right. He could be anywhere right now.

Why's that car moving?

That's an Audi. It's Greg's car.

Hoff could be trapped in the boot.

Hiya.

Hi.

You lot were pretty wasted last night.

What time did you go to bed?

Pretty late.

I knew what I meant to ask,

I'm arranging a trip to London next month.

Where's the best place for lunch?

Is it Harrods?

Er, yeah.

Probably, yeah.

- Do you know where Greg is? - Greg?

I think I did see him.

He was heading over to the lake.

He had a face like thunder.

See you later.

Oh, my God.

- What's he doing? - What's in those bags?

Body parts.

Ah, shit.

What have you done with David Hasselhoff?

He ruined everything for me.

Why would he do that? Why would he come up here and ruin everything?

David Hasselhoff was a good man. He deserved better than this.

What are you talking about?

You couldn't handle it, could you, Greg?

You couldn't handle your new wife's love for another man.

And then, when you found out about the money,

well, that was the kicker.

That's what really hurt.

So, you decided to kill David Hasselhoff.

But you had to deal with his entourage, didn't ya?

You had to throw 'em off the scent.

So you wrote a note,

a note from David saying that he'd gone to London,

but that's where you made your first mistake.

You ended that note with the word "ta-ra".

A word David would never use.

You used your own dialect, Greg.

What did you write it on?

You wrote it on Lothersdale Motors note paper.

Your own car dealership.

Greg, you messed with the wrong entourage, buddy.

We're too smart for you.

We know what you did.

You killed David!

You chopped him up!

You put his body parts in bin bags,

and now you're throwing him in the lake

like some Russian whore!

- Presents. - Yeah, he had presence!

David had presence in abundance, but not any more!

Admit it, Greg! Admit what you did!

Say it! Say what you did!

You killed David Hassel--

Sounds like David.

Oh, sorry about that.

Totally got the wrong end of the stick.

David!

David!

Sounds like he's in trouble.

♪ Baby for you

♪ Baby for me ♪

- Yup, yup, yup. - Patricia.

♪ Like the sand and sea ♪

Could you just give me five minutes?

He gave us the nod. I know what the nod means.

The nod means, let me get back to singing

whilst this woman pretends to crush my balls with her heels.

Sing it again, David!

♪ Crazy for you ♪

Faster. Faster. Faster.

♪ Crazy for me ♪

Like you mean it, David.

♪ I will be forever, crazy for you ♪

Hoff, you kinky bastard.

Do you know what I mean? He's...

Thing with Hoff, yeah, he tries to act like a gentleman,

but he is fucking disgusting, mate.

I think it just showed that,

when he's in a really difficult spot, and he's bound to a bed,

he can still perform and, erm, you know,

he still carried on singing

and I thought that really said a lot about him.

That, you know, even in a, kind of, hostage-type situation,

he could still deliver.

Let's put on a show.

But first, let's have some fun.

If he wants to write a play about Lawrence of Arabia, who's to say he can't?

I think the play needs some songs.

- Songs? - Yeah.

You know the band Roxette?

What if we give Lawrence a jetpack? - A jetpack?

I want to do something artistic, Dieter.

I want to do something truthful.

I want the Hasselhoff to bomb an entire village,

of the brown people.

Fuck! Fuck!

Oh, my days, is that Tulisa?

Hey, Terry.

Money can make people act strange.

I am the antichrist.

Ah, my two favourite smells, leather and pussy.

I'm out of here. I'm gone.

Who's with me?