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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:43,070 --> 00:00:52,200 >> I DON'T KNOW WHY CORONAVIRUS. 2 00:00:43,070 --> 00:00:52,200 THE LEFT CONTINUES THEIR 3 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,200 DISHONEST SMEAR CAMPAIGN AGAINST 4 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,200 TRUMP. 5 00:00:54,200 --> 00:01:05,219 HERE'S A VIDEO OF LOCAL LIBS TO 6 00:00:54,200 --> 00:01:05,219 BUY THE LAST BOTTLE OF ORGANIC 7 00:01:05,219 --> 00:01:10,269 PURELL 8 00:01:05,219 --> 00:01:10,269 IT'S INSANE. 9 00:01:10,269 --> 00:01:15,049 THE LEFT IS TRYING TO WHIP 10 00:01:10,269 --> 00:01:15,049 PEOPLE INTO A FEAR FRENZY OF 11 00:01:15,049 --> 00:01:16,200 LIES 12 00:01:15,049 --> 00:01:16,200 IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT. 13 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:23,260 IT'S OUR THING 14 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:23,260 CORE 15 00:01:23,260 --> 00:01:27,019 CORONAVIRUS IS AN URBAN LEGEND. 16 00:01:23,260 --> 00:01:27,019 YOU HAVE MUCH BIGGER THINGS TO 17 00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:30,189 WORRY ABOUT. 18 00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:30,189 TO HELP YOU CALM DOWN, HERE'S A 19 00:01:30,189 --> 00:01:35,259 LIST OF MUCH BIGGER THINGS TO 20 00:01:30,189 --> 00:01:35,259 WORRY ABOUT. 21 00:01:35,259 --> 00:01:37,219 WOMEN WHO KEEP THEIR MAIDEN 22 00:01:35,259 --> 00:01:37,219 NAMES. 23 00:01:37,219 --> 00:01:45,240 MONTY SORRY SCHOOLS. 24 00:01:37,219 --> 00:01:45,240 FAT BARBIES. 25 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:51,079 WHAT'S THE MAID SAY. 26 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:51,079 BLACKMARING BANDS, THEY'RE TOO 27 00:01:51,079 --> 00:01:53,090 GOOD 28 00:01:51,079 --> 00:01:53,090 AND HARRY STYLES 29 00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:57,060 WHAT'S HE DOING? 30 00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:57,060 WHO'S THAT FOR 31 00:01:57,060 --> 00:02:01,030 INSTEAD OF WASTING YOUR MONEY ON 32 00:01:57,060 --> 00:02:01,030 $300 SURGICAL MASKS. 33 00:02:01,030 --> 00:02:05,000 CONSIDER SUPPORTING MY EVER 34 00:02:01,030 --> 00:02:05,000 THINNING LIST OF SPONSORS. 35 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,280 LIKE DEER TANKS. 36 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,280 LET'S CHASE IT, SHOOTING DEER 37 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:15,159 TAKES TOO LONG 38 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:15,159 SEND BAMBI TO HELL WITH DEER 39 00:02:15,159 --> 00:02:21,180 TANKS. 40 00:02:15,159 --> 00:02:21,180 INDOOR HORNS 41 00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:25,039 AND WORD SEARCHES WITH RACIAL 42 00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:25,039 SLURS IN IT. 43 00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:29,099 YOU DIDN'T SAY IT, YOU JUST 44 00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:29,099 CIRCLED IT 45 00:02:29,099 --> 00:02:33,159 FOR MORE ON THIS LIBERAL FAN 46 00:02:29,099 --> 00:02:33,159 FICTION THAT IS THE CORONAVIRUS 47 00:02:33,159 --> 00:02:38,170 WE GO TO JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO 48 00:02:33,159 --> 00:02:38,170 >> GET RID OF THEM 49 00:02:38,170 --> 00:02:41,110 >> GET RID OF WHO? 50 00:02:38,170 --> 00:02:41,110 >> WHOEVER 51 00:02:41,110 --> 00:02:42,170 >> THANKS FOR JOINING US, 52 00:02:41,110 --> 00:02:42,170 JANINE 53 00:02:42,170 --> 00:02:46,060 SHOULD OUR VIEWERS BE DOING 54 00:02:42,170 --> 00:02:46,060 ANYTHING TO PREPARE FOR THE 55 00:02:46,060 --> 00:02:47,229 CORONAVIRUS? 56 00:02:46,060 --> 00:02:47,229 >> HELL, NO. 57 00:02:47,229 --> 00:02:52,219 AMERICANS ARE NOT AT RISK. 58 00:02:47,229 --> 00:02:52,219 ESPECIALLY NOT OUR VIEWERS, WHO 59 00:02:52,219 --> 00:02:56,180 SKEW ELDERLY, ARE IN BAD HEALTH. 60 00:02:52,219 --> 00:02:56,180 LIVE CLOISTERED TOGETHER IN 61 00:02:56,180 --> 00:02:59,030 HOMES SPECIFICALLY FOR SICK 62 00:02:56,180 --> 00:02:59,030 PEOPLE AND HAVE SMOKED THEIR 63 00:02:59,030 --> 00:03:03,289 ENTIRE LIVES 64 00:02:59,030 --> 00:03:03,289 >> SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE NOT TOO 65 00:03:03,289 --> 00:03:06,050 WORRIED. 66 00:03:03,289 --> 00:03:06,050 >> NOT ONE BIT 67 00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:10,090 SO DON'T GET IT TWISTED. 68 00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:10,090 IF YOU SEE ME AVOIDING CHINESE 69 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:14,020 RESTAURANTS, IT'S NOT BECAUSE 70 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:14,020 I'M SCARED, IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T 71 00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:17,250 TRUST THE CHINESE. 72 00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:17,250 A FORTUNE COOKIE ONCE TOLD ME TO 73 00:03:17,250 --> 00:03:22,000 LOWER MY VOICE 74 00:03:17,250 --> 00:03:22,000 BUT I'VE NEVER LOOKED BACK 75 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,000 >> ALL RIGHT, WELL, STAY SAFE 76 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,000 OUT THERE, JANINE. 77 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,150 >> NO NEED 78 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,150 ALCOHOL IS A DISINFECTANT, SO 79 00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:34,060 MAMA'S GONNA LIVE FOREVER. 80 00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:34,060 >> THANK YOU FOR THAT EXCELLENT 81 00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:36,039 REPORTING. 82 00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:36,039 >> WE GO NOW TO MEN ON THE 83 00:03:36,039 --> 00:03:39,159 INSIDE, DON JUNIOR AND ERIC 84 00:03:36,039 --> 00:03:39,159 TRUMP. 85 00:03:39,159 --> 00:03:41,159 >> HI, LAURA, DID YOU GET MY 86 00:03:39,159 --> 00:03:41,159 VALENTINE? 87 00:03:41,159 --> 00:03:46,270 >> PASS. 88 00:03:41,159 --> 00:03:46,270 NOW, WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT 89 00:03:46,270 --> 00:03:49,170 THE PRESIDENT'S RESPONSE TO THE 90 00:03:46,270 --> 00:03:49,170 VIRUS? 91 00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:54,079 >> LAURA, OUR FATHER HAS 92 00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:54,079 EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL 93 00:03:54,079 --> 00:03:58,259 YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS WOULD LOVE 94 00:03:54,079 --> 00:03:58,259 FOR PEOPLE TO GET SICK SO THEY 95 00:03:58,259 --> 00:04:03,139 CAN USE IT TO THEIR ADVANTAGE. 96 00:03:58,259 --> 00:04:03,139 LIKE HOW WE GIVE ERIC RAW 97 00:04:03,139 --> 00:04:06,240 CHICKEN SO HE MISSES IMPORTANT 98 00:04:03,139 --> 00:04:06,240 MEETINGS 99 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:10,280 >> I LOVE MY PINK NUGGETS. 100 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:10,280 >> THAT'S GREAT, BUDDY 101 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:14,120 >> LAURA, THE LIBS THINK THEY 102 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:14,120 CAN SPIN THIS TO HURT OUR 103 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,009 FATHER 104 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,009 BUT IF THERE'S ANYTHING MY DAD'S 105 00:04:17,009 --> 00:04:22,120 ON TOP OF, IT'S THE TOILET 106 00:04:17,009 --> 00:04:22,120 >> NO, THIS CRISIS 107 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:28,040 YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE ANSWERS, 108 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:28,040 BUDDY, I GOT IT. 109 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:34,159 >> THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, 110 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:34,159 AMERICANS ARE PERFECTLY SAFE, 111 00:04:34,159 --> 00:04:39,110 IT'S LIKE OUR DAD ALWAYS SAYS. 112 00:04:34,159 --> 00:04:39,110 >> THE N WORD? 113 00:04:39,110 --> 00:04:40,170 >> NO. 114 00:04:39,110 --> 00:04:40,170 NO 115 00:04:40,170 --> 00:04:44,240 ONLY DURING SONGS, BUDDY 116 00:04:40,170 --> 00:04:44,240 >> OKAY. 117 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,290 >> DIDN'T WE BRING YOU A TOY OR 118 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,290 SOMETHING YOU CAN PLAY WITH? 119 00:04:46,290 --> 00:04:50,199 >> YEAH, MY BEEPY TOY. 120 00:04:46,290 --> 00:04:50,199 >> THAT'S A THERMOMETER, IT ONLY 121 00:04:50,199 --> 00:04:55,259 BEEPS IF YOU HAVE A -- 122 00:04:50,199 --> 00:04:55,259 >> 104 123 00:04:55,259 --> 00:05:01,019 BUDDY, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS? 124 00:04:55,259 --> 00:05:01,019 >> THE PARK. 125 00:05:01,019 --> 00:05:03,240 >> WE GOT TO GO, LAURA 126 00:05:01,019 --> 00:05:03,240 >> ALL RIGHT, THANKS FOR JOINING 127 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:08,050 US 128 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:08,050 >> I'M A FATHER. 129 00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:12,269 >> RIGHT, NOW, FRESH OFF GETTING 130 00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:12,269 THE VEGAN LEATHER BOOT AT MSNBC 131 00:05:12,269 --> 00:05:16,250 FOR THE HIGH CRIME OF GIVING A 132 00:05:12,269 --> 00:05:16,250 GIRL A COMPLIMENT, I'D LIKE TO 133 00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:26,009 WELCOME OUR NEWEST FOX NEWS 134 00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:26,009 ANCHOR, CHRIS MATTHEWS 135 00:05:26,009 --> 00:05:27,149 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 136 00:05:26,009 --> 00:05:27,149 >> WELCOME BACK TO "HARDBALL" 137 00:05:27,149 --> 00:05:32,000 I'M CHRIS MATTHEWS 138 00:05:27,149 --> 00:05:32,000 TONIGHT MY GUEST IS LAURA, A 139 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,000 SPOOKY BLONDE LADY WHO LIES TO 140 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,000 THE ELDERLY. 141 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,259 HA 142 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,259 >> CHRIS, NO, YOU'RE ON MY SHOW. 143 00:05:37,259 --> 00:05:40,209 >> I FORGOT, FORCE OF HABIT, 144 00:05:37,259 --> 00:05:40,209 MAYBE I'LL GET IN TROUBLE FOR 145 00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:44,060 SAYING THIS, YOU LOOK GREAT. 146 00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:44,060 >> CHRIS, YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER 147 00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:48,159 YOU WANT, IT'S FOX 148 00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:48,159 >> OH, MY GOD, THE PLACE IS 149 00:05:48,159 --> 00:05:49,139 AMAZING, EVERYONE HERE IS HOT, 150 00:05:48,159 --> 00:05:49,139 CRAZY OR BOTH. 151 00:05:49,139 --> 00:05:54,090 >> YEAH. 152 00:05:49,139 --> 00:05:54,090 NOW YOU RESIGNED AFTER RECENT 153 00:05:54,090 --> 00:05:58,149 NONSCANDALS LIKE COMPARING 154 00:05:54,090 --> 00:05:58,149 BERNIE SANDERS TO HITLER 155 00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:01,279 HOW DO YOU RESPOND 156 00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:01,279 YOU CAN PUT IT AS CRAZY AS YOU 157 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:04,129 WANT TO. 158 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:04,129 >> HERE IT GOES. 159 00:06:04,129 --> 00:06:08,050 THE RACE IS DOWN TO HITLER AND 160 00:06:04,129 --> 00:06:08,050 AN ICE CREAM CONE TO SEE WHO CAN 161 00:06:08,050 --> 00:06:13,160 BEAT THE MICHELIN MAN. 162 00:06:08,050 --> 00:06:13,160 BACK TO YOU, GIRL HITLER 163 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:18,269 >> WELCOME HOME. 164 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:18,269 THANK YOU FOR JOINING US 165 00:06:18,269 --> 00:06:22,110 >> HABADAHABA. 166 00:06:18,269 --> 00:06:22,110 >>> NOW A CELEBRITY INTERVIEW 167 00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:26,079 BROUGHT TO YOU BY OUR AMAZING 168 00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:26,079 SPONSORS 169 00:06:26,079 --> 00:06:31,089 LIKE MESH PILLOW, YOUR GREEDY 170 00:06:26,079 --> 00:06:31,089 KIDS CAN'T SMOTHER YOU WITH MESH 171 00:06:31,089 --> 00:06:37,139 PILLOWS. 172 00:06:31,089 --> 00:06:37,139 AND FOR ANYONE LOOKING TO MAKE 173 00:06:37,139 --> 00:06:45,019 CASH, FAKE PURELL, IT'S LUBE IN 174 00:06:37,139 --> 00:06:45,019 A PURELL BOTTLE. 175 00:06:45,019 --> 00:06:50,090 AND NOW, THE WOMAN WHO SAVAGED 176 00:06:45,019 --> 00:06:50,090 MURDERED MICHAEL BLOOMBERG ON 177 00:06:50,090 --> 00:06:58,250 LIVE TELEVISION, PLEASE WELCOME 178 00:06:50,090 --> 00:06:58,250 SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN 179 00:06:58,250 --> 00:07:05,259 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 180 00:06:58,250 --> 00:07:05,259 >> HI, LAURA, THANKS FOR HAVING 181 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:10,189 ME 182 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:10,189 >> HOW HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE 183 00:07:10,189 --> 00:07:12,160 DROPPING OUT OF THE RACE 184 00:07:10,189 --> 00:07:12,160 >> YOU KNOW, I'M DOING JUST 185 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,089 FINE 186 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,089 MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY HAVE BEEN 187 00:07:14,089 --> 00:07:19,180 SO SUPPORTIVE, THEY'VE BEEN 188 00:07:14,089 --> 00:07:19,180 CALLING NONSTOP, ASKING, ARE YOU 189 00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:21,040 OKAY 190 00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:21,040 WHAT DO YOU NEED 191 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:27,019 WERE YOU ELECTABLE 192 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:27,019 >> WELL, YOU CERTAINLY RAN A 193 00:07:27,019 --> 00:07:28,170 MEMORABLE CAMPAIGN 194 00:07:27,019 --> 00:07:28,170 HERE'S FOOTAGE OF YOU DEBATING 195 00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:36,220 MIKE BLOOMBERG 196 00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:36,220 >> VERY GOOD 197 00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:39,290 >> AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, WERE 198 00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:39,290 YOU THE DOG OR THE BURRITO 199 00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:50,100 >> I WAS THE DOG 200 00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:50,100 >> GOT IT. 201 00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:52,220 SO YOU'RE NOT ENDORSING ANYONE 202 00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:52,220 YET? 203 00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:56,090 >> WELL, IT'S TOUGH. 204 00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:56,090 MAYBE I'LL JUST PULL A "NEW YORK 205 00:07:56,090 --> 00:08:00,199 TIMES" AND ENDORSE THEM BOTH 206 00:07:56,090 --> 00:08:00,199 >> WELL, NOW THAT YOU'RE DONE 207 00:08:00,199 --> 00:08:01,139 CAMPAIGNING, DO YOU HAVE ANY 208 00:08:00,199 --> 00:08:01,139 REGRETS? 209 00:08:01,139 --> 00:08:06,079 >> NOT AT ALL. 210 00:08:01,139 --> 00:08:06,079 I'M SO PROUD OF OUR CAMPAIGN 211 00:08:06,079 --> 00:08:11,019 WE BUILT A WIDE COALITION OF 212 00:08:06,079 --> 00:08:11,019 TEACHERS, PRESCHOOL TEACHERS, 213 00:08:11,019 --> 00:08:15,040 MIDDLE SCHOOLTEACHERS, AND 214 00:08:11,019 --> 00:08:15,040 TEACHERS PETS. 215 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:19,060 AND NOT ONLY DID I NOT ACCEPT 216 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:19,060 MONEY FROM BILLIONAIRES, I GOT 217 00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:28,069 TO GIVE ONE A SWALLEY ON LIVE 218 00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:28,069 TV 219 00:08:28,069 --> 00:08:31,040 BUT NOW I GOT TIME TO DO A 220 00:08:28,069 --> 00:08:31,040 LITTLE SELF-CARE 221 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:35,169 HANGING OUT WITH MY DOG BAILEY, 222 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:35,169 PRANK CALLING BIG BANKS. 223 00:08:35,169 --> 00:08:40,190 DRAG RACING SUBARUS. 224 00:08:35,169 --> 00:08:40,190 AVOIDING TWITTER 225 00:08:40,190 --> 00:08:45,250 AND BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO THANK 226 00:08:40,190 --> 00:08:45,250 MY SUPPORTERS AND SAY ONE LAST 227 00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:53,200 THING. 228 00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:53,200 >> HI THERE, HOW ARE YOU 229 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:58,210 >> SORRY, I JUST -- I WANTED TO 230 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:58,210 PUT ON MY FAVORITE OUTFIT TO 231 00:08:58,210 --> 00:09:02,210 THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU'VE 232 00:08:58,210 --> 00:09:02,210 DONE IN YOUR LIFETIME. 233 00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:06,019 >> I'M NOT DEAD, I'M JUST IN THE 234 00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:06,019 SENATE. 235 00:09:06,019 --> 00:09:08,279 >> OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT. 236 00:09:06,019 --> 00:09:08,279 SO LET'S STAY IN THE SPOT. 237 00:09:08,279 --> 00:09:10,179 AND LET'S DO THIS. 238 00:09:08,279 --> 00:09:10,179 LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 239 00:09:10,179 --> 00:09:15,179 SATURDAY NIGHT 240 00:09:10,179 --> 00:09:15,179 SATURDAY NIGHT 241 00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:19,220 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 242 00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:19,220 ♪ 243 00:09:19,220 --> 00:09:23,250 >> Announcer: IT'S 244 00:09:19,220 --> 00:09:23,250 "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!" 245 00:09:23,250 --> 00:09:27,029 WITH - 246 00:10:32,129 --> 00:10:36,159 FEATURING -- 247 00:10:49,059 --> 00:10:58,279 MUSICAL GUEST -- 248 00:10:49,059 --> 00:10:58,279 THE WEEKND AND YOUR HOST - 249 00:10:58,279 --> 00:11:02,009 DANIEL CRAIG ♪ 250 00:10:58,279 --> 00:11:02,009 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN - 251 00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:06,019 DANIEL CRAIG 252 00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:20,129 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 253 00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:20,129 ♪ 254 00:11:20,129 --> 00:11:24,169 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 255 00:11:20,129 --> 00:11:24,169 >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK 256 00:11:24,169 --> 00:11:27,139 YOU. 257 00:11:24,169 --> 00:11:27,139 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 258 00:11:27,139 --> 00:11:36,250 IT'S JUST LOVELY TO BE HOSTING 259 00:11:27,139 --> 00:11:36,250 "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 260 00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:39,139 I HOSTED EIGHT YEARS AGO, AND MY 261 00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:39,139 LIFE IS VERY DIFFERENT NOW 262 00:11:39,139 --> 00:11:44,179 I MOVED TO NEW YORK. 263 00:11:39,139 --> 00:11:44,179 WHEN PEOPLE SAY TO ME, WHERE 264 00:11:44,179 --> 00:11:47,019 BROOKLYN AT? 265 00:11:44,179 --> 00:11:47,019 I CAN TELL THEM, IT'S OVER THE 266 00:11:47,019 --> 00:11:49,000 BROOKLYN BRIDGE OR THE MANHATTAN 267 00:11:47,019 --> 00:11:49,000 BRIDGE, DEPENDING ON THE 268 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:55,080 TRAFFIC. 269 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:55,080 EVERYONE ASSUMES BECAUSE I PLAY 270 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,210 JAMES BOND I'M THIS SUAVE 271 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,210 SOPHISTICATED GUY. 272 00:11:58,210 --> 00:12:04,129 I HAVE TO ADMIT, I AM. 273 00:11:58,210 --> 00:12:04,129 I MEAN, I'M JAMES BOND 274 00:12:04,129 --> 00:12:06,269 I KNOW ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE 275 00:12:04,129 --> 00:12:06,269 HUMBLE 276 00:12:06,269 --> 00:12:11,250 OH, I'M JUST A NERD. 277 00:12:06,269 --> 00:12:11,250 I'M NOT A NERD 278 00:12:11,250 --> 00:12:15,269 YOU'RE A NERD. 279 00:12:11,250 --> 00:12:15,269 NOW, THIS NEXT JAMES BOND FILM 280 00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:18,120 IS GOING TO BE MY LAST 281 00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:18,120 BUT IT'S GOING TO BE ONE OF THE 282 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:25,190 BEST, BECAUSE WELL, WE HAVE 283 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:25,190 PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE FROM 284 00:12:25,190 --> 00:12:27,139 "FLEABAG" TO HELP WITH SOME OF 285 00:12:25,190 --> 00:12:27,139 THE DIALOGUE 286 00:12:27,139 --> 00:12:31,029 IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THAT 287 00:12:27,139 --> 00:12:31,029 DIFFERENT, BUT EVERY SO OFTEN I 288 00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:33,259 WILL TURN TO THE CAMERA AND SAY, 289 00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:33,259 THE NAME'S BOND. 290 00:12:33,259 --> 00:12:42,159 JAMES BOND 291 00:12:33,259 --> 00:12:42,159 IS IT BAD THAT I FANCY THE POPE. 292 00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:46,080 YOU ALSO MAY HAVE HEARD THE 293 00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:46,080 RELEASE OF THE FILM HAS BEEN 294 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,279 DELAYED DUE TO PUBLIC HEALTH 295 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,279 CONCERNS 296 00:12:48,279 --> 00:12:52,009 THERE'S THIS SCENE THAT'S MY 297 00:12:48,279 --> 00:12:52,009 FAVORITE AND THE PRODUCERS HAVE 298 00:12:52,009 --> 00:12:54,169 BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO LET ME SHOW 299 00:12:52,009 --> 00:12:54,169 IT TONIGHT 300 00:12:54,169 --> 00:13:06,240 SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK 301 00:12:54,169 --> 00:13:06,240 ♪ 302 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:11,179 >> CRAPS 303 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:11,179 I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOUR GAME WAS 304 00:13:11,179 --> 00:13:18,120 STEALING STATE SECRETS 305 00:13:11,179 --> 00:13:18,120 >> WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, 306 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,279 JAMES? 307 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,279 MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR 308 00:13:21,279 --> 00:13:23,269 FAVOR? 309 00:13:21,279 --> 00:13:23,269 >> MAYBE I'LL BE LUCKY 310 00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:29,190 NOW, WHERE'S YOUR BOSS 311 00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:29,190 >> SEVEN, WINNER 312 00:13:29,190 --> 00:13:33,070 >> REALLY? 313 00:13:29,190 --> 00:13:33,070 I JUST ROLLED A SEVEN. 314 00:13:33,070 --> 00:13:39,039 >> WHAT MAKES YOU THINK -- 315 00:13:33,070 --> 00:13:39,039 >> WELL, THAT'S SIMPLE MY 316 00:13:39,039 --> 00:13:41,100 DARLING. 317 00:13:39,039 --> 00:13:41,100 >> I'M 00 -- 318 00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:43,250 >> 7 319 00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:43,250 >> HOT HAND AT THE TABLE FOLKS, 320 00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:50,110 PLACE YOUR BETS. 321 00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:50,110 >> KEEP IT UP, MY ASS IS IN THE 322 00:13:50,110 --> 00:13:51,279 HOLE 323 00:13:50,110 --> 00:13:51,279 >> DON'T LOSE IT, MY WIFE'S 324 00:13:51,279 --> 00:13:54,129 GOING TO KILL ME 325 00:13:51,279 --> 00:13:54,129 WHO CARES, IT'S MY MONEY 326 00:13:54,129 --> 00:14:00,110 >> WHAT DO I DO NOW? 327 00:13:54,129 --> 00:14:00,110 >> OKAY, I CAN'T BELIEVE MY 328 00:14:00,110 --> 00:14:03,210 HEART IS BEATING SO FAST 329 00:14:00,110 --> 00:14:03,210 THIS IS JUST LIKE -- GIVE ME AN 330 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:09,190 8, GIVE ME AN 8, GIVE ME AN 8. 331 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:09,190 6-2, EASY 8. 332 00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:16,019 >> YOU SIR, YOU, YOU 333 00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:16,019 YOU, SIR YOU, YOU, YOU 334 00:14:16,019 --> 00:14:17,120 IT'S SO EXCITING 335 00:14:16,019 --> 00:14:17,120 WHAT DO I DO NOW 336 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:23,059 >> IT DEPENDS. 337 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:23,059 >> RIGHT NOW IS DON'T ROLL A 338 00:14:23,059 --> 00:14:27,039 SEVEN. 339 00:14:23,059 --> 00:14:27,039 >> CAN I GET A VODKA MARTINI 340 00:14:27,039 --> 00:14:33,110 SHAKEN 341 00:14:27,039 --> 00:14:33,110 CAN I GET A VODKA AND RED BULL 342 00:14:33,110 --> 00:14:42,080 PINT GLASS PLEASE? 343 00:14:33,110 --> 00:14:42,080 >> WE GOT A SIX. 344 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,279 >> LET'S PUT ALL OUR CHIPS ON 345 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,279 HARD 4 346 00:14:44,279 --> 00:14:50,019 >> LET'S DO IT, HARD 4 347 00:14:44,279 --> 00:14:50,019 HARD 4 348 00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:53,159 >> I'LL MEET YOU UP THERE. 349 00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:53,159 >> IF I ROLL A HARD FOUR 350 00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:59,000 YOU BETTER CALL ME SIMBA, 351 00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:59,000 BECAUSE I AM THE GREATEST. 352 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:06,190 >> 2 AND 2 MAKES 4 THE HARD WAY. 353 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:06,190 >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 354 00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:20,129 WHAT, I DID IT 355 00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:20,129 >> MY BOSS -- 356 00:15:20,129 --> 00:15:22,090 >> COOL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I 357 00:15:20,129 --> 00:15:22,090 HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE 358 00:15:22,090 --> 00:15:26,100 I'M BUZZED 359 00:15:22,090 --> 00:15:26,100 >> OKAY, OKAY. 360 00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:31,120 WHAT DO I ROLE NOW 361 00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:31,120 >> SNAKE EYES. 362 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:37,240 >> OH, YOU JOKE, SNAKE EYES. 363 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:37,240 >> TAKE A LOOK AT THESE SNAKE 364 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,259 EYES 365 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,259 >> OH, SNAKE EYES. 366 00:15:41,259 --> 00:15:53,000 >> IT SEEMS MR. BOND YOUR LUCK 367 00:15:41,259 --> 00:15:53,000 HAS RUN OUT. 368 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:57,019 >> WELL PLAYED BOND. 369 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:57,019 EVERYONE ALL RIGHT 370 00:15:57,019 --> 00:16:00,159 >> YEAH, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU 371 00:15:57,019 --> 00:16:00,159 JUST ROLLED SNAKE EYES 372 00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:10,070 ♪ 373 00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:10,070 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 374 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:14,019 >> WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW. 375 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:14,019 THE WEEKND IS HERE 376 00:16:14,019 --> 00:16:18,250 SO STICK AROUND. 377 00:16:14,019 --> 00:16:18,250 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, THANK YOU 378 00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:26,080 [ CHEERS AND AUSE PPLA 379 00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:26,080 ♪ 380 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:30,240 ♪ 381 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:30,240 ♪ THE SANDS OF MODESTO 382 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,269 >>> WITH THE OUTBREAK OF 383 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,269 COVID-19, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE 384 00:16:33,269 --> 00:16:39,059 CORONAVIRUS, THE PRODUCERS OF 385 00:16:33,269 --> 00:16:39,059 TODAY'S EPISODE OF THE SANDS OF 386 00:16:39,059 --> 00:16:43,120 MODESTO WOULD LIKE TO REMIND 387 00:16:39,059 --> 00:16:43,120 VIEWERS THAT THE STAGING OF 388 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:47,179 CERTAIN SCENES HAVE BEEN ALTERED 389 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:47,179 FOR THE ACTORS' SAFETY 390 00:16:47,179 --> 00:16:51,070 ♪ THE SANDS OF MODESTO 391 00:16:47,179 --> 00:16:51,070 >> THANK YOU, TYRELLE. 392 00:16:51,070 --> 00:16:53,279 MY FACE LOOKS AMAZING 393 00:16:51,070 --> 00:16:53,279 I THINK I'M READY FOR THE 394 00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,279 BENEFIT 395 00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,279 WELL I AM THE BEST MAKEUP 396 00:16:55,279 --> 00:17:04,250 ARTIST IN MODESTO 397 00:16:55,279 --> 00:17:04,250 LET ME JUST PUT SOME LIP GLOSS 398 00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:07,250 ALL RIGHT. 399 00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:07,250 YOU'RE READY DEBRANIKE 400 00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:11,210 I'M SORRY TO BE PERSONAL, BUT 401 00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:11,210 MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION 402 00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:17,099 DOES A COCKATOO LIVE HERE? 403 00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:17,099 ♪ 404 00:17:17,099 --> 00:17:22,190 >> NO, NOT ANY MORE. 405 00:17:17,099 --> 00:17:22,190 THE COCKATOO FLEW SO FAR, FAR 406 00:17:22,190 --> 00:17:24,259 AWAY 407 00:17:22,190 --> 00:17:24,259 >> GOOD. 408 00:17:24,259 --> 00:17:27,289 THAT EXPLAINS IT 409 00:17:24,259 --> 00:17:27,289 THEN I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE. 410 00:17:27,289 --> 00:17:30,160 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 411 00:17:27,289 --> 00:17:30,160 >> THANK YOU, TYRELLE. 412 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,029 [ PHONE RINGING 413 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,029 OH, EXCUSE ME. 414 00:17:32,029 --> 00:17:40,279 I THINK I HAVE A CALL. 415 00:17:32,029 --> 00:17:40,279 HELLO? 416 00:17:40,279 --> 00:17:44,160 MY GOD, REALLY 417 00:17:40,279 --> 00:17:44,160 WELL, WHERE IS SHE 418 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:51,099 HERE 419 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:51,099 WELL, I CAN'T SEE. 420 00:17:51,099 --> 00:17:54,289 [ DOOR BELL RINGING 421 00:17:51,099 --> 00:17:54,289 >> COMING. 422 00:17:54,289 --> 00:18:00,039 ON MY WAY. 423 00:17:54,289 --> 00:18:00,039 STACIA 424 00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:03,230 >> HELLO, MOTHER 425 00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:03,230 >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE KILLED IN 426 00:18:03,230 --> 00:18:06,109 THAT PLANE CRASH 427 00:18:03,230 --> 00:18:06,109 >> THAT'S WHAT I WAS TOLD. 428 00:18:06,109 --> 00:18:15,089 BUT I'M ALIVE. 429 00:18:06,109 --> 00:18:15,089 >> OH, COME, LET ME HOLD YOUR 430 00:18:15,089 --> 00:18:19,099 FACE, MY DARLING 431 00:18:15,089 --> 00:18:19,099 I NEVER WANT TO LET GO OF YOU. 432 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,259 >> DON'T, MOTHER, DON'T EVER LET 433 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,259 ME GO. 434 00:18:21,259 --> 00:18:25,240 HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET 435 00:18:21,259 --> 00:18:25,240 BACK 436 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:34,000 >> WELL, I HAD THE HELP OF A 437 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:34,000 FRIEND 438 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,029 >> DEBRANIKE 439 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,029 >> LEAF CHILDERS 440 00:18:37,029 --> 00:18:43,240 >> IT'S BEEN QUITE A LONG TIME 441 00:18:37,029 --> 00:18:43,240 YOU REMEMBER CHARLES 442 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:49,119 >> HELLO, CHARLES. 443 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:49,119 >> LEAF, I THOUGHT YOU LEFT TO 444 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:52,009 BECOME A PRIEST? 445 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:52,009 >> YES, BUT I COULDN'T DO IT 446 00:18:52,009 --> 00:18:54,029 THE NO SEX PART. 447 00:18:52,009 --> 00:18:54,029 ALSO, HAVE YOU READ THE BIBLE, 448 00:18:54,029 --> 00:18:57,220 IT'S KIND OF WEIRD 449 00:18:54,029 --> 00:18:57,220 THE TRUTH IS, I COULDN'T STOP 450 00:18:57,220 --> 00:19:01,160 THINKING ABOUT YOU 451 00:18:57,220 --> 00:19:01,160 >> I'LL GIVE YOU TWO A MOMENT. 452 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,029 MOTHER 453 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,029 ONE MORE EMBRACE 454 00:19:02,029 --> 00:19:08,059 >> OH. 455 00:19:02,029 --> 00:19:08,059 OF COURSE. 456 00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:12,059 >> I'LL ADMIT THIS IS QUITE A 457 00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:12,059 SURPRISE 458 00:19:12,059 --> 00:19:14,079 SANDS OF MODESTO SHIFT IN 459 00:19:12,059 --> 00:19:14,079 UNPREDICTABLE WAYS 460 00:19:14,079 --> 00:19:17,269 >> INDEED THEY DO. 461 00:19:14,079 --> 00:19:17,269 PLEASE, JOIN ME ON THE COUCH 462 00:19:17,269 --> 00:19:25,000 LET'S GET REACQUAINTED 463 00:19:17,269 --> 00:19:25,000 EXCUSE US, CHARLES 464 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:34,059 >> SEE, ISN'T THAT BETTER? 465 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:34,059 >> BEING THIS CLOSE TO YOU HAS 466 00:19:34,059 --> 00:19:37,089 BROUGHT BACK SO MANY FEELINGS. 467 00:19:34,059 --> 00:19:37,089 >> WELL, WHY FIGHT THEM. 468 00:19:37,089 --> 00:19:40,230 REMEMBER HOW I USED TO STROKE 469 00:19:37,089 --> 00:19:40,230 YOUR HAIR? 470 00:19:40,230 --> 00:19:47,049 >> I NEVER FORGOT THAT FOR A 471 00:19:40,230 --> 00:19:47,049 SECOND 472 00:19:47,049 --> 00:19:55,099 >> YOU'RE A GORGEOUS MAN 473 00:19:47,049 --> 00:19:55,099 I MISS TOUCH 474 00:19:55,099 --> 00:19:58,109 OH, LEAF I CAN'T HELP IT, I WANT 475 00:19:55,099 --> 00:19:58,109 TO KISS YOU. 476 00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:01,019 >> WELL, WHY DON'T YOU 477 00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:01,019 COME DARLING, WE CAN'T DENY IT 478 00:20:01,019 --> 00:20:03,019 ANY LONGER 479 00:20:01,019 --> 00:20:03,019 >> THEN KISS ME. 480 00:20:03,019 --> 00:20:08,220 KISS ME NOW. 481 00:20:03,019 --> 00:20:08,220 >> IT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED TO 482 00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:14,200 DO 483 00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:14,200 [ LAUGHTER ] 484 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:18,250 >> YOUR KISSES TASTE JUST LIKE I 485 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:18,250 REMEMBER 486 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:22,289 >> TAKE ME 487 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:22,289 TAKE ME THEN 488 00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:27,029 PLEASE 489 00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:27,029 YES, YES 490 00:20:27,029 --> 00:20:34,269 YES! 491 00:20:27,029 --> 00:20:34,269 >> I FEEL WE WILL MELT INTO ONE. 492 00:20:34,269 --> 00:20:40,109 >> DEBRANIKE, WHAT THE HELL ARE 493 00:20:34,269 --> 00:20:40,109 YOU DOING? 494 00:20:40,109 --> 00:20:41,130 >> VICTANIA. 495 00:20:40,109 --> 00:20:41,130 HOW DID YOU FIND US? 496 00:20:41,130 --> 00:20:44,000 >> YOU THINK IF MY EX-HUSBAND 497 00:20:41,130 --> 00:20:44,000 CAME BACK, I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT 498 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,190 IT 499 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,190 BITCH, THIS IS MODESTO 500 00:20:47,190 --> 00:20:50,069 >> SO IT IS. 501 00:20:47,190 --> 00:20:50,069 AND PERHAPS IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH 502 00:20:50,069 --> 00:20:58,160 FOR THE BOTH OF US 503 00:20:50,069 --> 00:20:58,160 >> YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT 504 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:05,130 >> YOU CRAZY SLUT. 505 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:05,130 [ LAUGHTER ] 506 00:21:05,130 --> 00:21:10,109 GET OFF ME 507 00:21:05,130 --> 00:21:10,109 >> OH, GOD 508 00:21:10,109 --> 00:21:15,039 >> I'M SORRY, I OVER REACTED 509 00:21:10,109 --> 00:21:15,039 I NEVER THOUGHT -- 510 00:21:15,039 --> 00:21:33,160 >> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 511 00:21:15,039 --> 00:21:33,160 ♪ THE SANDS OF MODESTO 512 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:38,009 ♪ 513 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:38,009 ♪ OUT DRINKIN 514 00:21:38,009 --> 00:21:40,039 WITH MY BOYS LATE NIGH 515 00:21:38,009 --> 00:21:40,039 COME HOME TO 516 00:21:40,039 --> 00:21:42,220 MY LADY PAST MIDNIGHT ♪ 517 00:21:40,039 --> 00:21:42,220 ♪ SHE'S WAITING U 518 00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:45,099 SHE THROWING ME SHAD 519 00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:45,099 WE HAVING WORD 520 00:21:45,099 --> 00:21:47,130 THIS IS WHAT SHE SAYS ♪ 521 00:21:45,099 --> 00:21:47,130 ♪ SHE SAID I'M OUT TOO LATE 522 00:21:47,130 --> 00:21:50,000 SHE PUSHED ME AWAY 523 00:21:47,130 --> 00:21:50,000 THERE AIN'T NOTHING IN 524 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:54,200 THE WORLD THAT I CAN SAY ♪ 525 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:54,200 ♪ SO I'M SLEEPING 526 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,079 ON THE COUCH TONIGHT 527 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,079 SHE GOT ME 528 00:21:58,079 --> 00:22:01,099 ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪ 529 00:21:58,079 --> 00:22:01,099 ♪ NOW I'M SLEEPIN 530 00:22:01,099 --> 00:22:05,150 ON THE COUCH TONIGHT 531 00:22:01,099 --> 00:22:05,150 I'M SLEEPING 532 00:22:05,150 --> 00:22:07,009 ON THE COUCH ♪ 533 00:22:05,150 --> 00:22:07,009 ♪ WORKING LAT 534 00:22:07,009 --> 00:22:11,059 MAKING PAPER 535 00:22:07,009 --> 00:22:11,059 HITTING DEADLINE ♪ 536 00:22:11,059 --> 00:22:13,079 ♪ COMING HOME 537 00:22:11,059 --> 00:22:13,079 I WAS STROLLIN 538 00:22:13,079 --> 00:22:16,289 IN THE BEDTIME ♪ 539 00:22:13,079 --> 00:22:16,289 ♪ I BOUGHT A SHEET SHEE 540 00:22:16,289 --> 00:22:18,150 SHE ONLY KNOWS 541 00:22:16,289 --> 00:22:18,150 I ACT A LO 542 00:22:18,150 --> 00:22:21,029 BUT I ALREADY KNOW ♪ 543 00:22:18,150 --> 00:22:21,029 ♪ I'M ON THE COUCH TONIGH 544 00:22:21,029 --> 00:22:22,200 SHE GOT ME 545 00:22:21,029 --> 00:22:22,200 ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪ 546 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,240 ♪ SHE IN BE 547 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,240 ALL TUCKED IN TIGH 548 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:29,130 BUT I'M SLEEPING 549 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:29,130 ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪ 550 00:22:29,130 --> 00:22:32,000 ♪ I'M SLEEPIN 551 00:22:29,130 --> 00:22:32,000 ON THE COUCH 552 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,220 MAKE DINNE 553 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,220 LIKE LOVERS DO ♪ 554 00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:39,240 ♪ I BOUGHT HER WINE 555 00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:39,240 AND I'M SLEEPING 556 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:45,000 ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪ 557 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:45,000 ♪ SHE GOT M 558 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,029 ON THE COUCH TONIGHT 559 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,029 DON'T SLEEP TO 560 00:22:47,029 --> 00:22:48,200 IT'S TIME ♪ 561 00:22:47,029 --> 00:22:48,200 ♪ SLEEPING ON 562 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,220 THE COUCH TONIGH 563 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,220 SHE GOT ME ON THE COUCH ♪ 564 00:22:50,220 --> 00:22:51,230 ♪ WAKE HER UP 565 00:22:50,220 --> 00:22:51,230 WITH ROSES ON THE BE 566 00:22:51,230 --> 00:22:53,099 TELL HER ALL THE SWEET 567 00:22:51,230 --> 00:22:53,099 THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD ♪ 568 00:22:53,099 --> 00:22:55,269 ♪ SHE ROLL AROUND 569 00:22:53,099 --> 00:22:55,269 AND I'M SLEEPING 570 00:22:55,269 --> 00:22:58,000 ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪ 571 00:22:55,269 --> 00:22:58,000 ♪ SHE GOT ME ON THE COUCH 572 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,029 SHE SAYS I ♪ 573 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,029 ♪ SLEEPING ON 574 00:23:01,029 --> 00:23:05,069 THE COUCH TONIGH 575 00:23:01,029 --> 00:23:05,069 SHE GOT ME ON THE COUCH ♪ 576 00:23:05,069 --> 00:23:07,250 ♪ I SAY HELLO AND 577 00:23:05,069 --> 00:23:07,250 ♪ I'M SLEEPIN 578 00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:13,000 ON THE COUCH TONIGHT 579 00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:13,000 SLEEPING O 580 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,170 THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪ 581 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,170 ♪ SHE GOT ME ON THE 582 00:23:14,170 --> 00:23:16,190 WE ALL MAK 583 00:23:14,170 --> 00:23:16,190 MISTAKES IT'S TRUE 584 00:23:16,190 --> 00:23:19,069 TELL ME WHAT I GOT TO DO ♪ 585 00:23:16,190 --> 00:23:19,069 ♪ GET BACK IN 586 00:23:19,069 --> 00:23:25,000 THE BEDS WITH YO 587 00:23:19,069 --> 00:23:25,000 WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU ♪ 588 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:30,039 ♪ CHEATED ON ME 589 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:30,039 ALMOST EVERY DAY 590 00:23:30,039 --> 00:23:32,210 I CAUGHT YOU CHEATIN 591 00:23:30,039 --> 00:23:32,210 ON ME YESTERDAY ♪ 592 00:23:32,210 --> 00:23:36,109 ♪ YOU DID 593 00:23:32,210 --> 00:23:36,109 ♪ YOU EVEN CHEATE 594 00:23:36,109 --> 00:23:40,000 ON ME ON MY COUC 595 00:23:36,109 --> 00:23:40,000 THAT'S WHY YOUR ASS IS 596 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,019 IN THE DOGHOUSE ♪ 597 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,019 ♪ I AIN'T MAD ABOUT YOU 598 00:23:42,019 --> 00:23:44,039 WORKING LATE 599 00:23:42,019 --> 00:23:44,039 BUT YOU GOT 10 CREDIT CARD 600 00:23:44,039 --> 00:23:46,059 IN MY NAME ♪ 601 00:23:44,039 --> 00:23:46,059 ♪ YOU MAX THEM OU 602 00:23:46,059 --> 00:23:48,240 NOW MY CREDIT'S BA 603 00:23:46,059 --> 00:23:48,240 WHY DID YOU TAKE OUT 604 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:51,269 LIFE INSURANCE ON ME ♪ 605 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:51,269 ♪ WE BROKE UP FIVE YEARS AG 606 00:23:51,269 --> 00:23:54,150 I GOT MARRIED TO ANOTHER GUY 607 00:23:51,269 --> 00:23:54,150 HE'S SICK OF YOU 608 00:23:54,150 --> 00:24:00,230 CRASHING HERE ♪ 609 00:23:54,150 --> 00:24:00,230 ♪ YOU REALLY HAVE TO STOP 610 00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:04,119 COMING OVER HERE ♪ 611 00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:04,119 >> YOU REALLY CAN'T KEEP COMING 612 00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:07,150 HERE 613 00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:07,150 I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO 614 00:24:07,150 --> 00:24:14,069 STAY, BUT WE GOT KIDS. 615 00:24:07,150 --> 00:24:14,069 >> NO. 616 00:24:14,069 --> 00:24:18,119 >> NO BUTS, IT'S GOT TO STOP, 617 00:24:14,069 --> 00:24:18,119 OKAY 618 00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:22,170 ALL RIGHT, WELL, SEE YOU AROUND. 619 00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:22,170 ♪ I'M SLEEPIN 620 00:24:22,170 --> 00:24:26,049 IN MY CAR TONIGH 621 00:24:22,170 --> 00:24:26,049 SLEEPING IN MY CAR ♪ 622 00:24:26,049 --> 00:24:29,130 >> YOU CAN'T PARK IN THE DRIVE 623 00:24:26,049 --> 00:24:29,130 WAY, BUDDY, COME ON, YOU GOT TO 624 00:24:29,130 --> 00:24:32,119 GO 625 00:24:29,130 --> 00:24:32,119 LET'S GO 626 00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:33,140 >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAND THERE 627 00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:33,140 AND WATCH ME LEAVE 628 00:24:33,140 --> 00:24:38,039 >> NO, I DON'T HAVE TO, BUT I'M 629 00:24:33,140 --> 00:24:38,039 GOING TO 630 00:24:38,039 --> 00:24:42,039 ♪ 631 00:24:48,130 --> 00:24:52,000 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 632 00:24:48,130 --> 00:24:52,000 >>> WELCOME BACK TO "THE DEIRDRE 633 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,180 SHOW." 634 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,180 MY GUEST CO-HOST TODAY IS A 635 00:24:54,180 --> 00:25:00,289 LEGENDARY DIVA OF SONG 636 00:24:54,180 --> 00:25:00,289 SHE'S GOT DOZENS OF HIT RECORDS 637 00:25:00,289 --> 00:25:04,190 LIKE OOH THAT MAN AND LET ME 638 00:25:00,289 --> 00:25:04,190 TELL YOU ABOUT CHRISTMAS 639 00:25:04,190 --> 00:25:08,269 SHE'S BACK IN THE NEWS BECAUSE 640 00:25:04,190 --> 00:25:08,269 SHE HIT A TRAIN WITH HER CAR 641 00:25:08,269 --> 00:25:13,009 PLEASE WELCOME, COOKIE LA FLUTE. 642 00:25:08,269 --> 00:25:13,009 COOKIE, WE ARE SO GLAD TO HAVE 643 00:25:13,009 --> 00:25:15,200 YOU. 644 00:25:13,009 --> 00:25:15,200 ISN'T THAT RIGHT, AUDIENCE 645 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,059 >> YES 646 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,059 >> WE LOVE YOU, COOKIE 647 00:25:17,059 --> 00:25:19,240 >> GO, COOKIE. 648 00:25:17,059 --> 00:25:19,240 >> THANK YOU 649 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,119 IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, WHERE AM 650 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,119 I? 651 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:24,289 WHO ARE YOU? 652 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:24,289 THE PLEASURE'S ALL YOURS 653 00:25:24,289 --> 00:25:29,039 >> WONDERFUL 654 00:25:24,289 --> 00:25:29,039 AS YOU KNOW, THIS WEEK IS FINGER 655 00:25:29,039 --> 00:25:31,059 WEEK ON OUR SHOW 656 00:25:29,039 --> 00:25:31,059 AND TODAY WE'RE GOING TO MAKE 657 00:25:31,059 --> 00:25:33,240 SOME FINGER FOOD 658 00:25:31,059 --> 00:25:33,240 SOUND GOOD, COOKIE 659 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,140 >> I'M STARVING, LET'S GET TO 660 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,140 IT 661 00:25:37,140 --> 00:25:50,009 >> JOINING US TODAY IS A 662 00:25:37,140 --> 00:25:50,009 CELEBRITY CHEF IF YOU'RE FROM 663 00:25:50,009 --> 00:25:54,289 LONDON WHO'S GOING TO TEACH US 664 00:25:50,009 --> 00:25:54,289 HOW TO MAKE AMERICAN APPETIZERS. 665 00:25:54,289 --> 00:26:03,009 >> I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY, TODAY 666 00:25:54,289 --> 00:26:03,009 IT'S ALL ABOUT HORS D'OEVRES 667 00:26:03,009 --> 00:26:04,180 >> THAT IS FRENCH. 668 00:26:03,009 --> 00:26:04,180 >> YES, FOR HORSE DOVE 669 00:26:04,180 --> 00:26:07,059 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 670 00:26:04,180 --> 00:26:07,059 >> I HAVE TONS OF THEM IN MY NEW 671 00:26:07,059 --> 00:26:13,119 COOKBOOK, THE HUNGRY DIVORCEE. 672 00:26:07,059 --> 00:26:13,119 JUST BECAUSE YOUR MARRIAGE IS 673 00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:21,049 OVER DOESN'T MEAN YOUR HUNGER IS 674 00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:21,049 TOO. 675 00:26:21,049 --> 00:26:23,069 WE'RE STARTING OFF WITH ONE OF 676 00:26:21,049 --> 00:26:23,069 MY FAVORITES 677 00:26:23,069 --> 00:26:25,099 IT'S DELICIOUS LITTLE QUICHES. 678 00:26:23,069 --> 00:26:25,099 >> THEY'RE SO CUTE 679 00:26:25,099 --> 00:26:27,119 THANK YOU. 680 00:26:25,099 --> 00:26:27,119 >> I'M GOING TO EAT THIS IN ONE 681 00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,140 BITE 682 00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,140 >> DON'T EAT THE FOIL. 683 00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:31,009 >> WHAT? 684 00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:31,009 >> I MEAN, THE ALUMINUM FOIL ON 685 00:26:31,009 --> 00:26:32,019 THE BOTTOM 686 00:26:31,009 --> 00:26:32,019 YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT 687 00:26:32,019 --> 00:26:33,180 >> I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE FOIL. 688 00:26:32,019 --> 00:26:33,180 >> DON'T EAT THE FOIL? 689 00:26:33,180 --> 00:26:35,210 WHO IS THIS MAN? 690 00:26:33,180 --> 00:26:35,210 >> THE NEXT THING I WANT TO TALK 691 00:26:35,210 --> 00:26:41,230 ABOUT IS GUACAMOLE 692 00:26:35,210 --> 00:26:41,230 >> WHO IS THIS MAN 693 00:26:41,230 --> 00:26:46,019 DON'T EAT THE FOIL 694 00:26:41,230 --> 00:26:46,019 DO YOU SEE THIS MAN? 695 00:26:46,019 --> 00:26:50,170 >> YEAH, WE SEE HIM, COOKIE. 696 00:26:46,019 --> 00:26:50,170 >> I'M SORRY ABOUT THE FOIL, I 697 00:26:50,170 --> 00:26:53,259 FEEL LIKE WE GOT OFF ON THE 698 00:26:50,170 --> 00:26:53,259 WRONG FOOT 699 00:26:53,259 --> 00:26:56,250 I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SCRATCH 700 00:26:53,259 --> 00:26:56,250 YOUR MOUTH, YOU NEED IT FOR 701 00:26:56,250 --> 00:26:58,089 SINGING. 702 00:26:56,250 --> 00:26:58,089 >> I DON'T EAT FOIL. 703 00:26:58,089 --> 00:27:08,200 I DON'T EAT FOIL 704 00:26:58,089 --> 00:27:08,200 >> CHEF CLYDE, HOW ABOUT WE 705 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,220 SLIDE ON DOWN TO THE NEXT FOOD 706 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,220 >> COOKIE, I THINK YOU'LL LOVE 707 00:27:10,220 --> 00:27:12,079 MY PIGS IN A BLANKET 708 00:27:10,220 --> 00:27:12,079 >> YOU ALL KNOW I LOVE PIGS AND 709 00:27:12,079 --> 00:27:14,109 I LOVE ME SOME BLANKETS. 710 00:27:12,079 --> 00:27:14,109 >> OKAY. 711 00:27:14,109 --> 00:27:15,279 SO THESE ARE SO EASY TO THROW 712 00:27:14,109 --> 00:27:15,279 TOGETHER 713 00:27:15,279 --> 00:27:19,180 >> YOU KNOW WHAT 714 00:27:15,279 --> 00:27:19,180 I'M NOT OVER THE FOIL THING. 715 00:27:19,180 --> 00:27:21,160 >> COOKIE, IF YOU LIKE 716 00:27:19,180 --> 00:27:21,160 MUSTARD -- 717 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,180 >> DON'T EAT THE FOIL. 718 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,180 DON'T EAT THE FOIL 719 00:27:23,180 --> 00:27:25,039 LEGENDS DON'T EAT FOIL, BOO. 720 00:27:23,180 --> 00:27:25,039 WHO DO I LOOK LIKE 721 00:27:25,039 --> 00:27:26,089 DO I LOOK LIKE BOBO THE CLOWN? 722 00:27:25,039 --> 00:27:26,089 >> NO, COOKIE, YOU LOOK HOT. 723 00:27:26,089 --> 00:27:27,240 >> KILL HIM. 724 00:27:26,089 --> 00:27:27,240 >> OKAY, CHEF CLYDE, HOW ABOUT 725 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,250 ANOTHER FOOD 726 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,250 >> GOOD IDEA 727 00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:36,160 IF YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS AT ROOM 728 00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:36,160 TEMPERATURE, GOOD NEWS, WE HAVE 729 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,029 DEVILED EGGS 730 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,029 >> COOKIE, LET'S TRY THEM. 731 00:27:38,029 --> 00:27:41,220 >> SURE. 732 00:27:38,029 --> 00:27:41,220 BUT SIR, AREN'T YOU SCARED 733 00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:44,089 >> SCARED OF WHAT? 734 00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:44,089 >> AREN'T YOU SCARED I'M GOING 735 00:27:44,089 --> 00:27:50,160 TO EAT THE SPOON 736 00:27:44,089 --> 00:27:50,160 TELL ME NOT TO EAT THE SPOON, AS 737 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,039 IF I'M NOT A FAMOUS SINGER 738 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,039 PISSING ME OFF 739 00:27:53,039 --> 00:27:56,069 >> I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING TO 740 00:27:53,039 --> 00:27:56,069 EAT THE SPOON. 741 00:27:56,069 --> 00:27:57,240 >> YOU AND ALL YOUR LITTLE 742 00:27:56,069 --> 00:27:57,240 FOODS. 743 00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,250 I'VE BEEN FAMOUS FOR OVER 744 00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,250 25 YEARS 745 00:27:58,250 --> 00:27:59,269 I EAT BIG FOOD 746 00:27:58,250 --> 00:27:59,269 >> I'M SURE YOU EAT VERY BIG 747 00:27:59,269 --> 00:28:04,000 FOOD 748 00:27:59,269 --> 00:28:04,000 >> DO YOU KNOW THAT ONCE A YEAR, 749 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,049 IN NOVEMBER, I COOK A BIG TURKEY 750 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,049 AND I INVITE PEOPLE I LOVE TO 751 00:28:06,049 --> 00:28:07,190 HAVE SOME. 752 00:28:06,049 --> 00:28:07,190 THAT'S HOW GOOD I CAN SING 753 00:28:07,190 --> 00:28:12,119 >> AND THAT SOUNDS LIKE 754 00:28:07,190 --> 00:28:12,119 THANKSGIVING 755 00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:15,160 >> OKAY, WELL, BEFORE MY TIME 756 00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:15,160 RUNS OUT -- 757 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,279 >> DO YOU KNOW WHAT -- AIN'T 758 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,279 NOBODY WANT YOUR FOIL, OKAY? 759 00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:22,119 TINY MAN WITH TINY FOOD. 760 00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:22,119 WHO CAN'T EVEN SING. 761 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,230 GIVE YOUR GUESTS A STEAK YOU 762 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,230 QUEER. 763 00:28:25,230 --> 00:28:26,259 >> OH! 764 00:28:25,230 --> 00:28:26,259 >> I CAN SAY IT, MY HUSBAND IS 765 00:28:26,259 --> 00:28:32,180 GAY. 766 00:28:26,259 --> 00:28:32,180 >> WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WRAP 767 00:28:32,180 --> 00:28:34,029 THIS UP, AUDIENCE, DID WE LOSE 768 00:28:32,180 --> 00:28:34,029 YOU? 769 00:28:34,029 --> 00:28:37,019 >> ABSOLUTELY NOT. 770 00:28:34,029 --> 00:28:37,019 >> WE LOVE THIS. 771 00:28:37,019 --> 00:28:41,130 >> THE WHOLE TASTE OF THIS THING 772 00:28:37,019 --> 00:28:41,130 OUT OF MY MOUTH, ALL YOUR FOOD 773 00:28:41,130 --> 00:28:44,009 LOOKS DISGUSTING 774 00:28:41,130 --> 00:28:44,009 >> OH, YOU -- 775 00:28:44,009 --> 00:28:46,240 >> DID YOU -- 776 00:28:44,009 --> 00:28:46,240 >> WHY YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE 777 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,000 THAT 778 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,000 IT'S JUST GUM, YOU KNOW, IT'S 779 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:54,009 SHINY, TASTES LIKE COINS 780 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:54,009 >> OKAY, WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW 781 00:28:54,009 --> 00:28:59,210 BYE-BYE. 782 00:29:04,039 --> 00:29:09,069 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S 783 00:29:04,039 --> 00:29:09,069 HEAR SOME NOISE FOR OUR NEWLY 784 00:29:09,069 --> 00:29:11,089 HITCHED MR. AND MRS., WHO HAVE 785 00:29:09,069 --> 00:29:11,089 BEEN STEALING SOME KISSES, MARK 786 00:29:11,089 --> 00:29:15,140 AND LIZ MCKELLEN, Y'ALL. 787 00:29:11,089 --> 00:29:15,140 >> MARK AND LIZ! 788 00:29:15,140 --> 00:29:18,009 YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT 789 00:29:15,140 --> 00:29:18,009 LIZ WOULD SETTLE DOWN, BUT MARK 790 00:29:18,009 --> 00:29:26,180 IS THE PERFECT MATCH TO HAPPILY 791 00:29:18,009 --> 00:29:26,180 EVER AFTER 792 00:29:26,180 --> 00:29:29,049 >> TO HAPPILY EVER AFTER 793 00:29:26,180 --> 00:29:29,049 >> IS THIS TABLE NINE? 794 00:29:29,049 --> 00:29:36,119 >> IT SURE IS. 795 00:29:29,049 --> 00:29:36,119 WE'RE THE FUN TABLE. 796 00:29:36,119 --> 00:29:38,289 SIT DOWN 797 00:29:36,119 --> 00:29:38,289 >> LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO 798 00:29:38,289 --> 00:29:42,029 HAVE TO TAKE THE MASK OFF. 799 00:29:38,289 --> 00:29:42,029 UNLESS YOU'RE GONNA POKE A 800 00:29:42,029 --> 00:29:44,200 LITTLE HOLE THROUGH THERE. 801 00:29:42,029 --> 00:29:44,200 >> DON'T WORRY, NONE OF US ARE 802 00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:52,289 SICK, WE'RE JUST A LITTLE TIPSY. 803 00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:52,289 >> WELL -- 804 00:29:52,289 --> 00:29:59,130 >> AND UNFORTUNATELY, WITH 805 00:29:52,289 --> 00:29:59,130 COVID-19, YOU CAN DISPLAY NO 806 00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:03,079 SYMPTOMS AND STILL BE WILDLY 807 00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:03,079 CONTAGIOUS 808 00:30:03,079 --> 00:30:05,099 HI, I'M DEBBIE 809 00:30:03,079 --> 00:30:05,099 [ SAD TROMBONE ] 810 00:30:05,099 --> 00:30:06,269 ♪ 811 00:30:05,099 --> 00:30:06,269 ♪ YOU'RE ENJOYING YOUR DA 812 00:30:06,269 --> 00:30:07,279 EVERYTHING'S GOING 813 00:30:06,269 --> 00:30:07,279 YOUR WAY ♪ 814 00:30:07,279 --> 00:30:09,140 ♪ WHEN ALONG COME 815 00:30:07,279 --> 00:30:09,140 DEBBIE DOWNER ♪ 816 00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:12,019 ♪ ALWAYS THERE TO TELL YO 817 00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:12,019 ABOUT A NEW DISEAS 818 00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:14,029 A CAR ACCIDENT 819 00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:14,029 OR KILLER BEES ♪ 820 00:30:14,029 --> 00:30:15,200 ♪ YOU BEG HER TO SPARE YO 821 00:30:14,029 --> 00:30:15,200 DEBBIE PLEAS 822 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:19,240 BUT YOU CAN'T STOP 823 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:19,240 DEBBIE DOWNER ♪ 824 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,130 [ SAD TROMBONE ] 825 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,130 >> THAT'S A PRETTY ELABORATE 826 00:30:21,130 --> 00:30:25,160 MASK 827 00:30:21,130 --> 00:30:25,160 IT'S KIND OF FUTURISTIC, ISN'T 828 00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:27,180 IT 829 00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:27,180 >> YEAH, I BOUGHT ONE OF THE 830 00:30:27,180 --> 00:30:30,210 LAST M-95s ON AMAZON 831 00:30:27,180 --> 00:30:30,210 THEY SAY TO FOREGO MASKS, SO 832 00:30:30,210 --> 00:30:35,279 GOOD LUCK NABBING ONE WHEN WE'RE 833 00:30:30,210 --> 00:30:35,279 FACING A WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC. 834 00:30:35,279 --> 00:30:40,180 [ SAD TROMBONE ] 835 00:30:35,279 --> 00:30:40,180 >> I'M SURE WE'RE ALL GOING TO 836 00:30:40,180 --> 00:30:45,130 BE OKAY. 837 00:30:40,180 --> 00:30:45,130 >> DEBBIE, MAYBE WE SHOULD 838 00:30:45,130 --> 00:30:48,019 INTRODUCE OURSELVES. 839 00:30:45,130 --> 00:30:48,019 >> OH, YEAH. 840 00:30:48,019 --> 00:30:53,099 >> TABLE NINE, TABLE NINE. 841 00:30:48,019 --> 00:30:53,099 >> I'M LIZ'S AUNT KAREN AND THIS 842 00:30:53,099 --> 00:30:57,269 HAD IS MY DAUGHTER MINDY 843 00:30:53,099 --> 00:30:57,269 >> WHY ARE YOU HERE? 844 00:30:57,269 --> 00:31:01,109 >> I MEAN, HOW DO YOU KNOW THE 845 00:30:57,269 --> 00:31:01,109 HAPPY COUPLE 846 00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:08,130 >> I'M MARK'S FIRST COUSIN ONCE 847 00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:08,130 REMOVED, FOR TRESPASSING 848 00:31:08,130 --> 00:31:12,019 >> HOW ABOUT A LITTLE DRINK. 849 00:31:08,130 --> 00:31:12,019 MAYBE THAT WILL LOOSEN YOU UP A 850 00:31:12,019 --> 00:31:14,019 LITTLE 851 00:31:12,019 --> 00:31:14,019 >> I DON'T WANT TO DRINK TOO 852 00:31:14,019 --> 00:31:17,250 MUCH, LAST TIME I DRANK, I WAS 853 00:31:14,019 --> 00:31:17,250 ALMOST ME TOOED. 854 00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:23,160 >> THAT'S TERRIBLE 855 00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:23,160 DID SOMEONE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF 856 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,180 YOU? 857 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,180 >> WHY WOULD YOU DELVE 858 00:31:25,180 --> 00:31:31,079 >> I WAS ON ONE OF THOSE JUST 859 00:31:25,180 --> 00:31:31,079 LUNCH DATES AND CHOKED ON A 860 00:31:31,079 --> 00:31:34,049 CROUTON, MY DATE HAD TO GIVE ME 861 00:31:31,079 --> 00:31:34,049 THE HEIMLICH 862 00:31:34,049 --> 00:31:37,279 HE CLEARLY THOUGHT THE BOTTOM OF 863 00:31:34,049 --> 00:31:37,279 MY RIBCAGE WAS MUCH HIGHER 864 00:31:37,279 --> 00:31:45,059 #NOTBUYINGIT 865 00:31:37,279 --> 00:31:45,059 >> QUESTION, DO WE HAVE TO STAY 866 00:31:45,059 --> 00:31:46,250 AT OUR ASSIGNED TABLES 867 00:31:45,059 --> 00:31:46,250 >> YEAH, DEBBIE, WHY DON'T YOU 868 00:31:46,250 --> 00:31:47,230 GO SAY HI TO THE BRIDE AND 869 00:31:46,250 --> 00:31:47,230 GROOM? 870 00:31:47,230 --> 00:31:55,009 >> OKAY. 871 00:31:47,230 --> 00:31:55,009 HEY, GUYS, CONGRATS. 872 00:31:55,009 --> 00:31:58,130 THE WEDDING WAS REALLY 873 00:31:55,009 --> 00:31:58,130 BEAUTIFUL. 874 00:31:58,130 --> 00:32:01,019 I WANTED TO GIVE YOU MY GIFT, 875 00:31:58,130 --> 00:32:01,019 THOUGH 876 00:32:01,019 --> 00:32:05,200 HERE, OPEN IT. 877 00:32:01,019 --> 00:32:05,200 I MADE A DONATION IN YOUR NAME 878 00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:11,289 TO MY FAVORITE CHARITY 879 00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:11,289 >> OH, A $25 DONATION TO POUNCE 880 00:32:11,289 --> 00:32:13,049 FOR A CURE 881 00:32:11,289 --> 00:32:13,049 >> YES 882 00:32:13,049 --> 00:32:17,250 >> A CURE FOR WHAT 883 00:32:13,049 --> 00:32:17,250 >> NO, NO, DON'T ASK THAT. 884 00:32:17,250 --> 00:32:20,220 >> FELINE AIDS 885 00:32:17,250 --> 00:32:20,220 IT'S THE NUMBER ONE KILLER OF 886 00:32:20,220 --> 00:32:26,269 DOMESTIC CATS. 887 00:32:20,220 --> 00:32:26,269 [ MEOW ] 888 00:32:26,269 --> 00:32:28,289 >> HEY, DEBBIE, YOU KNOW, 889 00:32:26,269 --> 00:32:28,289 THEY'RE SERVING THE ENTREE, WHY 890 00:32:28,289 --> 00:32:34,029 DON'T YOU GO SIT DOWN AND STUFF 891 00:32:28,289 --> 00:32:34,029 YOUR MOUTH WITH GOOD FOOD. 892 00:32:34,029 --> 00:32:36,210 >> OKAY, GUYS, ENJOY 893 00:32:34,029 --> 00:32:36,210 >> YES 894 00:32:36,210 --> 00:32:37,240 I'M READY FOR THIS FEAST 895 00:32:36,210 --> 00:32:37,240 >> THESE MASHED POTATOES LOOK 896 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,089 LIKE HEAVEN. 897 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,089 >> AFTER WE EAT, I VOTE WE GET A 898 00:32:40,089 --> 00:32:43,269 LINE DANCE GOING 899 00:32:40,089 --> 00:32:43,269 >> HEY, SPEAKING OF VOTING, HOW 900 00:32:43,269 --> 00:32:50,210 DO YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT TRUMP 901 00:32:43,269 --> 00:32:50,210 [ SAD TROMBONE ] 902 00:32:50,210 --> 00:32:59,140 [ SAD TROMBONE ] 903 00:32:50,210 --> 00:32:59,140 [ SAD TROMBONE ] 904 00:32:59,140 --> 00:33:04,039 >> HEY, GUYS, I JUST CAUGHT THE 905 00:32:59,140 --> 00:33:04,039 BOUQUET. 906 00:33:04,039 --> 00:33:08,000 YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LOVES FLOWERS? 907 00:33:04,039 --> 00:33:08,000 HONEY BEES, TOO BAD THEY'RE ON 908 00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:09,160 THEIR WAY OUT. 909 00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:09,160 [ SAD TROMBONE ] 910 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:20,039 ♪ NO YOU CAN'T STOP 911 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:20,039 DEBBIE DOWNER ♪ 912 00:33:20,039 --> 00:33:24,140 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 913 00:33:20,039 --> 00:33:24,140 THE WEEKND 914 00:33:24,140 --> 00:33:44,269 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 915 00:33:24,140 --> 00:33:44,269 ♪ 916 00:33:44,269 --> 00:33:48,099 ♪ 917 00:33:52,180 --> 00:33:55,220 ♪ I BEEN TRYNA CALL 918 00:33:52,180 --> 00:33:55,220 I BEEN ON MY OWN 919 00:33:55,220 --> 00:33:59,109 FOR LONG ENOUG 920 00:33:55,220 --> 00:33:59,109 MAYBE YOU CAN SHOW ME ♪ 921 00:33:59,109 --> 00:34:05,019 ♪ HOW TO LOVE MAYBE 922 00:33:59,109 --> 00:34:05,019 I'M GOIN 923 00:34:05,019 --> 00:34:09,219 THROUGH WITHDRAWAL 924 00:34:05,019 --> 00:34:09,219 YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ♪ 925 00:34:09,219 --> 00:34:14,269 ♪ TO DO TOO MUC 926 00:34:09,219 --> 00:34:14,269 YOU CAN TURN ME ON 927 00:34:14,269 --> 00:34:17,139 WITH JUST A TOUCH BABY 928 00:34:14,269 --> 00:34:17,139 I LOOK AROUND AND ♪ 929 00:34:17,139 --> 00:34:20,170 ♪ SIN CITY'S COLD AND EMPTY 930 00:34:17,139 --> 00:34:20,170 NO ONE'S AROUND TO JUDGE M 931 00:34:20,170 --> 00:34:26,239 I CAN'T SEE CLEARL 932 00:34:20,170 --> 00:34:26,239 WHEN YOU'RE GONE ♪ 933 00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:29,289 ♪ I SAID OO 934 00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:29,289 I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHT 935 00:34:29,289 --> 00:34:34,190 NO I CAN'T SLEEP UNTIL 936 00:34:29,289 --> 00:34:34,190 I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪ 937 00:34:34,190 --> 00:34:38,079 ♪ I SAID OO 938 00:34:34,190 --> 00:34:38,079 I'M DROWNING IN THE NIGH 939 00:34:38,079 --> 00:34:42,130 OH WHEN I'M LIKE THI 940 00:34:38,079 --> 00:34:42,130 YOU'RE THE ONE I TRUST 941 00:34:42,130 --> 00:34:48,199 HEY HEY HEY ♪ 942 00:34:42,130 --> 00:34:48,199 >> NEW YORK! 943 00:34:48,199 --> 00:34:59,000 LET'S GO 944 00:34:48,199 --> 00:34:59,000 ♪ 945 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:05,239 ♪ I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME 946 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:05,239 'CAUSE I CAN SEE THE SUN 947 00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:10,130 LIGHT UP THE SKY 948 00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:10,130 SO I HIT THE ROAD ♪ 949 00:35:10,130 --> 00:35:14,010 ♪ IN OVERDRIVE BABY 950 00:35:10,130 --> 00:35:14,010 OH THE CITY' 951 00:35:14,010 --> 00:35:16,179 COLD AND EMPTY 952 00:35:14,010 --> 00:35:16,179 NO ONE'S AROUND ♪ 953 00:35:16,179 --> 00:35:19,059 ♪ TO JUDGE ME 954 00:35:16,179 --> 00:35:19,059 I CAN'T SEE CLEARL 955 00:35:19,059 --> 00:35:21,239 WHEN YOU'RE GONE 956 00:35:19,059 --> 00:35:21,239 I SAID OOH ♪ 957 00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:25,130 ♪ I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHTS 958 00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:25,130 NO, I CAN'T SLEE 959 00:35:25,130 --> 00:35:30,179 UNTIL I FEEL YOUR TOUC 960 00:35:25,130 --> 00:35:30,179 I SAID OOH ♪ 961 00:35:30,179 --> 00:35:35,230 ♪ I'M DROWNING IN THE NIGHT 962 00:35:30,179 --> 00:35:35,230 OH WHEN I'M LIKE THI 963 00:35:35,230 --> 00:35:39,289 YOU'RE THE ONE I TRUST 964 00:35:35,230 --> 00:35:39,289 I'M JUST WALKING BY TO ♪ 965 00:35:39,289 --> 00:35:45,199 ♪ LET YOU KNO 966 00:35:39,289 --> 00:35:45,199 I CAN NEVER SAY IT 967 00:35:45,199 --> 00:35:51,099 ON THE PHONE 968 00:35:45,199 --> 00:35:51,099 WILL NEVER LET ♪ 969 00:35:51,099 --> 00:35:56,000 ♪ YOU GO THIS TIM 970 00:35:51,099 --> 00:35:56,000 I SAID OOH 971 00:35:56,000 --> 00:36:00,039 I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHT 972 00:35:56,000 --> 00:36:00,039 NO I CAN'T SLEEP UNTIL ♪ 973 00:36:00,039 --> 00:36:06,099 ♪ I FEEL YOUR TOUCH 974 00:36:00,039 --> 00:36:06,099 >> NEW YORK CITY, MAKE SOME 975 00:36:06,099 --> 00:36:12,030 NOISE. 976 00:36:06,099 --> 00:36:12,030 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 977 00:36:12,030 --> 00:36:18,260 ♪ 978 00:36:12,030 --> 00:36:18,260 YEAH 979 00:36:18,260 --> 00:36:21,289 ♪ O 980 00:36:18,260 --> 00:36:21,289 OKAY 981 00:36:21,289 --> 00:36:34,119 I SAID OOH 982 00:36:21,289 --> 00:36:34,119 I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHTS ♪ 983 00:36:34,119 --> 00:36:40,179 ♪ NO I CAN'T SLEE 984 00:36:34,119 --> 00:36:40,179 UNTIL I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪ 985 00:36:40,179 --> 00:36:51,010 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 986 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,139 ♪ 987 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,139 >> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND 988 00:36:56,139 --> 00:36:58,159 UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND 989 00:36:56,139 --> 00:36:58,159 MICHAEL CHE. 990 00:36:58,159 --> 00:37:04,030 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 991 00:36:58,159 --> 00:37:04,030 ♪ 992 00:37:04,030 --> 00:37:05,199 >> THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING, 993 00:37:04,030 --> 00:37:05,199 EVERYONE 994 00:37:05,199 --> 00:37:07,070 >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE. 995 00:37:05,199 --> 00:37:07,070 I'M MICHAEL CHE. 996 00:37:07,070 --> 00:37:08,239 >> I'M COLIN JOST. 997 00:37:07,070 --> 00:37:08,239 WELL, LAST WEEK WE HAD SIX 998 00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:10,280 DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES. 999 00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:10,280 AND THIS WEEK IT'S BECOME LIKE 1000 00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:14,289 MY DAD'S FAVORITE RADIO STATION, 1001 00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:14,289 JUST THE OLDIES. 1002 00:37:14,289 --> 00:37:20,159 [ LAUGHTER ] 1003 00:37:14,289 --> 00:37:20,159 JOE BIDEN IS NOW THE 1004 00:37:20,159 --> 00:37:24,170 FRONT-RUNNER AND JUST PICKED UP 1005 00:37:20,159 --> 00:37:24,170 AN ENDORSEMENT FROM MICHIGAN'S 1006 00:37:24,170 --> 00:37:26,269 GOVERNOR 1007 00:37:24,170 --> 00:37:26,269 IT MAKES SENSE MICHIGAN WOULD 1008 00:37:26,269 --> 00:37:29,199 LOVE BIDEN, IT KIND OF LOOKS 1009 00:37:26,269 --> 00:37:29,199 LIKE A HAND TRYING TO TOUCH A 1010 00:37:29,199 --> 00:37:36,179 LADY'S HAIR. 1011 00:37:29,199 --> 00:37:36,179 I GOT TO SAY, HONESTLY, I CANNOT 1012 00:37:36,179 --> 00:37:39,230 BE MORE EXCITED FOR BIDEN/TRUMP 1013 00:37:36,179 --> 00:37:39,230 DEBATES. 1014 00:37:39,230 --> 00:37:42,179 THEY'RE GOING TO BE THE FIRST 1015 00:37:39,230 --> 00:37:42,179 DEBATES THAT HAVE TO BE 1016 00:37:42,179 --> 00:37:47,269 MODERATED BY A JAMAICAN NURSE. 1017 00:37:42,179 --> 00:37:47,269 AS WELL AS THE ONLY DEBATES THAT 1018 00:37:47,269 --> 00:37:52,099 AIR ON THE TURNER CLASSIC MOVIE 1019 00:37:47,269 --> 00:37:52,099 CHANNEL. 1020 00:37:52,099 --> 00:37:53,260 AND I DON'T WANT THE MODERATOR 1021 00:37:52,099 --> 00:37:53,260 TO ASK THEM ABOUT ANYTHING 1022 00:37:53,260 --> 00:37:55,280 POLITICAL. 1023 00:37:53,260 --> 00:37:55,280 I WANT ALL THE QUESTIONS TO JUST 1024 00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:59,170 BE LIKE, "WHO WAS THE GREATEST 1025 00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:59,170 SLUGGER OF THE '50s? 1026 00:37:59,170 --> 00:38:05,019 [ LAUGHTER ] 1027 00:37:59,170 --> 00:38:05,019 AT THIS POINT I THINK THE DEBATE 1028 00:38:05,019 --> 00:38:10,079 SHOULD BE ON THE CRUISE SHIP AND 1029 00:38:05,019 --> 00:38:10,079 WHOEVER CAN BEAT CORONAVIRUS 1030 00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:13,179 SHOULD BECOME OUR NEXT 1031 00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:13,179 PRESIDENT. 1032 00:38:13,179 --> 00:38:15,090 [ APPLAUSE ] 1033 00:38:13,179 --> 00:38:15,090 >> I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO 1034 00:38:15,090 --> 00:38:18,139 WIN THE NOMINATION, BUT WATCHING 1035 00:38:15,090 --> 00:38:18,139 WHITE PEOPLE FIGHT OVER THESE 1036 00:38:18,139 --> 00:38:25,030 OLD DUDES IS HILARIOUS 1037 00:38:18,139 --> 00:38:25,030 I DON'T EVEN CARE WHO WINS, JUST 1038 00:38:25,030 --> 00:38:28,219 AS LONG AS THEY BEAT TRUMP 1039 00:38:25,030 --> 00:38:28,219 I'M NOT EVEN REALLY A DEMOCRAT, 1040 00:38:28,219 --> 00:38:34,030 I JUST VOTE NOT REPUBLICAN 1041 00:38:28,219 --> 00:38:34,030 DEMOCRATS ARE LIKE CONDOMS TO 1042 00:38:34,030 --> 00:38:36,110 ME 1043 00:38:34,030 --> 00:38:36,110 I'LL USE THEM BECAUSE IT'S 1044 00:38:36,110 --> 00:38:41,199 SAFER, I GUESS, BUT IT DOESN'T 1045 00:38:36,110 --> 00:38:41,199 FEEL GOOD. 1046 00:38:41,199 --> 00:38:44,070 >> BOTH JOE BIDEN AND 1047 00:38:41,199 --> 00:38:44,070 BERNIE SANDERS ARE ACTIVELY 1048 00:38:44,070 --> 00:38:46,250 COURTING ELIZABETH WARREN'S 1049 00:38:44,070 --> 00:38:46,250 ENDORSEMENT. 1050 00:38:46,250 --> 00:38:49,119 BUT I GOT TO SAY, THE PANT SUITS 1051 00:38:46,250 --> 00:38:49,119 ARE A LITTLE MUCH. 1052 00:38:49,119 --> 00:38:57,000 [ LAUGHTER ] 1053 00:38:49,119 --> 00:38:57,000 PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO ATTACKED 1054 00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:58,119 BIDEN OVER HIS RECENT GAFFE 1055 00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:58,119 SAYING, THERE'S SOMETHING GOING 1056 00:38:58,119 --> 00:39:01,050 ON THERE 1057 00:38:58,119 --> 00:39:01,050 AND TRUMP SHOULD DEFINITELY 1058 00:39:01,050 --> 00:39:03,050 KNOW, BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING 1059 00:39:01,050 --> 00:39:03,050 GOING ON THERE TOO 1060 00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:11,260 A FEW DAYS AGO, HE DID THIS. 1061 00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:11,260 WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN? 1062 00:39:11,260 --> 00:39:14,099 YOU CAN'T SAY SOMEONE ELSE IS 1063 00:39:11,260 --> 00:39:14,099 LOSING IT, AND THEN WHISPER I 1064 00:39:14,099 --> 00:39:22,239 LOVE YOU TO A FLAG 1065 00:39:14,099 --> 00:39:22,239 THAT'S LIKE SAYING, OH, THIS 1066 00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:27,250 GUY'S LOST HIS MARBLES, BUT 1067 00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:27,250 YOU'RE SAYING IT TO A MANNEQUIN. 1068 00:39:27,250 --> 00:39:33,130 >>> THEN TRUMP VISITED THE CDC 1069 00:39:27,250 --> 00:39:33,130 >> EVERY ONE OF THESE DOCTORS 1070 00:39:33,130 --> 00:39:34,150 SAID, HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH 1071 00:39:33,130 --> 00:39:34,150 ABOUT THIS 1072 00:39:34,150 --> 00:39:37,159 MAYBE I HAVE A NATURAL ABILITY 1073 00:39:34,150 --> 00:39:37,159 MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT 1074 00:39:37,159 --> 00:39:39,139 INSTEAD OF RUNNING FOR 1075 00:39:37,159 --> 00:39:39,139 PRESIDENT. 1076 00:39:39,139 --> 00:39:46,179 >> OH, MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING 1077 00:39:39,139 --> 00:39:46,179 TO DIE 1078 00:39:46,179 --> 00:39:59,190 WHAT WILL DOES THAT MEAN, HE HAS 1079 00:39:46,179 --> 00:39:59,190 A NATURAL ABILITY FOR 1080 00:39:59,190 --> 00:40:00,119 CORONAVIRUS. 1081 00:39:59,190 --> 00:40:00,119 MAYBE, OR -- 1082 00:40:00,119 --> 00:40:05,079 >> MAYBE IT'S BRAIN DISEASE. 1083 00:40:00,119 --> 00:40:05,079 >> THE ODDS OF US CATCHING 1084 00:40:05,079 --> 00:40:09,000 CORONAVIRUS IS ABOUT AS HIGH AS 1085 00:40:05,079 --> 00:40:09,000 US ENDING UP ON SATURDAY NIGHT 1086 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:13,179 LIVE, AND HERE WE ARE, COLIN, WE 1087 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:13,179 BOTH GONNA CATCH IT. 1088 00:40:13,179 --> 00:40:16,260 WE HAD A GOOD RUN, WE 1089 00:40:13,179 --> 00:40:16,260 ACCOMPLISHED A LOT 1090 00:40:16,260 --> 00:40:22,050 COULD YOU BELIEVE WE BOTH ALMOST 1091 00:40:16,260 --> 00:40:22,050 GOT TO MARRY SCARLET JOHANSSON 1092 00:40:22,050 --> 00:40:26,250 THAT'S CRAZY 1093 00:40:22,050 --> 00:40:26,250 [ LAUGHTER ] 1094 00:40:26,250 --> 00:40:30,150 >> IT WAS ANNOUNCED FRIDAY THAT 1095 00:40:26,250 --> 00:40:30,150 SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST HAS BEEN 1096 00:40:30,150 --> 00:40:33,239 CANCELLED BECAUSE OF THE 1097 00:40:30,150 --> 00:40:33,239 CORONAVIRUS. 1098 00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:37,239 MEANWHILE, CORONAVIRUS IS SET TO 1099 00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:37,239 HEADLINE COACHELLA 1100 00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:41,130 >>> IN BREAKING NEWS TODAY, IT 1101 00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:41,130 TURNS OUT THAT A GUEST AT THE 1102 00:40:41,130 --> 00:40:45,099 CONSERVATIVE CPAC CONFERENCE 1103 00:40:41,130 --> 00:40:45,099 WHICH WAS ATTENDED BY TRUMP AND 1104 00:40:45,099 --> 00:40:47,239 PENCE HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR 1105 00:40:45,099 --> 00:40:47,239 CORONAVIRUS. 1106 00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:53,090 WORSE, IT WAS THE GUY IN CHARGE 1107 00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:53,090 OF HANDLING TRUMP'S FLAG 1108 00:40:53,090 --> 00:40:56,250 THIS WEEK NEW YORK'S BAN ON 1109 00:40:53,090 --> 00:40:56,250 PLASTIC BAGS WENT INTO EFFECT. 1110 00:40:56,250 --> 00:40:59,190 HERE TO COMMENT ON ITS IMPACT IS 1111 00:40:56,250 --> 00:40:59,190 MY FRIEND AND PLASTICS EXPERT 1112 00:40:59,190 --> 00:41:11,199 BOTTLE BOY 1113 00:40:59,190 --> 00:41:11,199 >> HELLO, BOTTLE BOY, YOU'RE A 1114 00:41:11,199 --> 00:41:15,010 PLASTICS EXPERT? 1115 00:41:11,199 --> 00:41:15,010 >> YES, IT IS MY PASSION AND MY 1116 00:41:15,010 --> 00:41:17,039 FASHION. 1117 00:41:15,010 --> 00:41:17,039 >> AND YOU COLLECT PLASTIC 1118 00:41:17,039 --> 00:41:22,210 BOTTLES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD 1119 00:41:17,039 --> 00:41:22,210 >> DON'T SELL ME SHORT, COLIN 1120 00:41:22,210 --> 00:41:27,159 LAST YEAR BOTTLED WATER MADE 1121 00:41:22,210 --> 00:41:27,159 60,000 PENNIES 1122 00:41:27,159 --> 00:41:33,039 BUT IT'S TAX FREE. 1123 00:41:27,159 --> 00:41:33,039 >> IS IT HURTING YOUR INCOME 1124 00:41:33,039 --> 00:41:34,269 NOW? 1125 00:41:33,039 --> 00:41:34,269 >>. 1126 00:41:34,269 --> 00:41:38,079 >> THIS BAN DOESN'T AFFECT ME, 1127 00:41:34,269 --> 00:41:38,079 ALL NEW YORKERS NEED THEIR 1128 00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:43,170 PLASTIC. 1129 00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:43,170 LET'S SAY YOU'RE WALKING DOWN 1130 00:41:43,170 --> 00:41:47,119 33rd STREET WITH YOUR CHIHUAHUA 1131 00:41:43,170 --> 00:41:47,119 MIX, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PICK 1132 00:41:47,119 --> 00:41:52,179 UP THAT DOO-DOO WITH, AN NPR 1133 00:41:47,119 --> 00:41:52,179 TOTE 1134 00:41:52,179 --> 00:41:55,280 >> YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S A GOOD 1135 00:41:52,179 --> 00:41:55,280 POINT. 1136 00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:59,190 WHAT DOES EVERYONE LINE THEIR 1137 00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:59,190 BATHROOM TRASH WITH? 1138 00:41:59,190 --> 00:42:04,239 A PLASTIC GROCERY BAG. 1139 00:41:59,190 --> 00:42:04,239 NOW YOU'RE GOING TO THROW YOUR 1140 00:42:04,239 --> 00:42:12,250 WET Q-TIPS INTO A BACKPACK 1141 00:42:04,239 --> 00:42:12,250 PUT YOUR TOENAIL BOOMERANGS INTO 1142 00:42:12,250 --> 00:42:15,099 A JANZPORT 1143 00:42:12,250 --> 00:42:15,099 NEVER. 1144 00:42:15,099 --> 00:42:17,289 >> HAVE YOU BROUGHT THIS UP TO 1145 00:42:15,099 --> 00:42:17,289 ANYONE 1146 00:42:17,289 --> 00:42:24,190 >> YES 1147 00:42:17,289 --> 00:42:24,190 I SAID CUOMO EVERY DAY, I GO BUY 1148 00:42:24,190 --> 00:42:27,219 ONE BIG PICKLE FROM THE TUB. 1149 00:42:24,190 --> 00:42:27,219 WHAT AM I GOING TO CARRY THAT IN 1150 00:42:27,219 --> 00:42:30,210 NOW, A MITTEN? 1151 00:42:27,219 --> 00:42:30,210 >> I GUESS I DIDN'T CONSIDER HOW 1152 00:42:30,210 --> 00:42:33,039 THESE POLICIES IMPACT THE 1153 00:42:30,210 --> 00:42:33,039 HOMELESS PEOPLE. 1154 00:42:33,039 --> 00:42:37,170 >> I'M NOT OMELESS,I LIVE 1155 00:42:33,039 --> 00:42:37,170 RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER FROM 1156 00:42:37,170 --> 00:42:41,219 YOU, IN THE FRENCH QUARTER OF 1157 00:42:37,170 --> 00:42:41,219 TIMES SQUARE 1158 00:42:41,219 --> 00:42:46,050 ALSO KNOWN AS THE BUBBA GUMP 1159 00:42:41,219 --> 00:42:46,050 SHRIMP COMPANY 1160 00:42:46,050 --> 00:42:50,050 >> YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, THIS 1161 00:42:46,050 --> 00:42:50,050 ISN'T ONLY ABOUT YOU 1162 00:42:50,050 --> 00:42:52,130 >> WE GET RID OF PLASTICS, THEN 1163 00:42:50,050 --> 00:42:52,130 WHAT 1164 00:42:52,130 --> 00:42:58,170 WE'RE NOT GIVING THE FISH IN THE 1165 00:42:52,130 --> 00:42:58,170 SEA THEIR NECKLACES NO MORE? 1166 00:42:58,170 --> 00:43:02,039 >> MR. TURTLE AIN'T GOING TO GET 1167 00:42:58,170 --> 00:43:02,039 NO NOSE RING 1168 00:43:02,039 --> 00:43:07,070 >> I'M NOT NO LEONARDODY 1169 00:43:02,039 --> 00:43:07,070 KAEPERNICK, I'M A BOTTLE BOY 1170 00:43:07,070 --> 00:43:11,230 >> AND IF YOUR NAME IS BOTTLE 1171 00:43:07,070 --> 00:43:11,230 BOY, WHY ARE YOU HUNG UP ON 1172 00:43:11,230 --> 00:43:14,019 PLASTIC BAGS 1173 00:43:11,230 --> 00:43:14,019 >> WELL, FIRST THEY COME FOR THE 1174 00:43:14,019 --> 00:43:16,250 BAGS, AND THEN THEY COME FOR THE 1175 00:43:14,019 --> 00:43:16,250 BOTTLES. 1176 00:43:16,250 --> 00:43:22,019 WHAT'S NEXT, NO MORE TOILETS ON 1177 00:43:16,250 --> 00:43:22,019 THE SUBWAY 1178 00:43:22,019 --> 00:43:25,110 >> YOU KNOW, THERE ARE NO 1179 00:43:22,019 --> 00:43:25,110 TOILETS ON THE SUBWAY? 1180 00:43:25,110 --> 00:43:27,269 >> THERE ARE IF YOU HAVE A 1181 00:43:25,110 --> 00:43:27,269 PLASTIC BAG. 1182 00:43:27,269 --> 00:43:31,090 >> BOTTLE BOY, EVERYBODY 1183 00:43:27,269 --> 00:43:31,090 >> I VOTED FOR YOU, MR. CUOMO, I 1184 00:43:31,090 --> 00:43:34,210 VOTED FOR YOU. 1185 00:43:36,110 --> 00:43:40,280 >> NASA ANNOUNCED IT IS LOOKING 1186 00:43:36,110 --> 00:43:40,280 FOR PEOPLE FROM DIVERSE 1187 00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:43,230 BACKGROUNDS TO BECOME ASTRONAUTS 1188 00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:43,230 FOR FUTURE MISSIONS TO MARS. 1189 00:43:43,230 --> 00:43:51,289 GOOD LUCK GETTING BLACK PEOPLE 1190 00:43:43,230 --> 00:43:51,289 ON A SHIP TO A NEW WORLD 1191 00:43:51,289 --> 00:43:55,150 >>> THE PRODUCERS OF THE 1192 00:43:51,289 --> 00:43:55,150 UPCOMING JAMES BOND MOVIE 1193 00:43:55,150 --> 00:43:58,110 ANNOUNCED THAT BECAUSE OF THE 1194 00:43:55,150 --> 00:43:58,110 CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK, THEY'RE 1195 00:43:58,110 --> 00:44:01,070 PUSHING THE MOVIE'S RELEASE FROM 1196 00:43:58,110 --> 00:44:01,070 APRIL TO NOVEMBER. 1197 00:44:01,070 --> 00:44:03,199 THOUGH I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE 1198 00:44:01,070 --> 00:44:03,199 STILL RELEASED IN APRIL AND 1199 00:44:03,199 --> 00:44:11,190 TAKEN OUT THE NO 1200 00:44:03,199 --> 00:44:11,190 >> STUDENTS AT PENN STATE HELD A 1201 00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:16,250 CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR A CAMPUS 1202 00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:16,250 TACO BELL THAT IS CLOSING. 1203 00:44:16,250 --> 00:44:20,130 BECAUSE AFTER YOU EAT TACO BELL, 1204 00:44:16,250 --> 00:44:20,130 IT NEVER HURTS TO LIGHT A 1205 00:44:20,130 --> 00:44:25,210 CANDLE 1206 00:44:20,130 --> 00:44:25,210 [ LAUGHTER ] 1207 00:44:25,210 --> 00:44:27,289 >> A NORTH CAROLINA WOMAN 1208 00:44:25,210 --> 00:44:27,289 CELEBRATED HER 100th BIRTHDAY BY 1209 00:44:27,289 --> 00:44:30,030 ASKING A SHERIFF'S DEPUTY TO 1210 00:44:27,289 --> 00:44:30,030 ARREST HER FOR THE FIRST TIME 1211 00:44:30,030 --> 00:44:31,190 EVER 1212 00:44:30,030 --> 00:44:31,190 AND TAKE HER TO JAIL 1213 00:44:31,190 --> 00:44:35,079 NO NEED TO LOOK IT UP, SHE'S 1214 00:44:31,190 --> 00:44:35,079 WHITE. 1215 00:44:35,079 --> 00:44:41,130 [ LAUGHTER ] 1216 00:44:35,079 --> 00:44:41,130 >>> DUNKIN' DONUTS ANNOUNCED 1217 00:44:41,130 --> 00:44:45,150 THAT EVERY FRIDAY IN MARCH IT 1218 00:44:41,130 --> 00:44:45,150 WILL GIVE AWAY A FREE DOUGHNUT 1219 00:44:45,150 --> 00:44:51,019 WITH A DRINK PURCHASE. 1220 00:44:45,150 --> 00:44:51,019 DUNKIN' DONUTS, YOU CAN'T 1221 00:44:51,019 --> 00:44:58,059 DIE-A-BEAT-US. 1222 00:44:51,019 --> 00:44:58,059 >>> AND NOW ONCE AGAIN, THE 1223 00:44:58,059 --> 00:45:02,159 WEEKEND UPDATE PRESENTS -- THE 1224 00:44:58,059 --> 00:45:02,159 WEEKND UPDATE. 1225 00:45:02,159 --> 00:45:04,190 >> FEELING GOOD. 1226 00:45:02,159 --> 00:45:04,190 ♪ 1227 00:45:04,190 --> 00:45:11,099 >> Announcer: THE WEEKND UPDATE. 1228 00:45:16,110 --> 00:45:17,269 >> TWO MEN WERE ARRESTED IN 1229 00:45:16,110 --> 00:45:17,269 INDIA TRYING TO SMUGGLE IN WHALE 1230 00:45:17,269 --> 00:45:19,289 VOMIT. 1231 00:45:17,269 --> 00:45:19,289 OR AS IT'S KNOWN COMMERCIALLY, A 1232 00:45:19,289 --> 00:45:25,199 SHAMROCK SHAKE 1233 00:45:19,289 --> 00:45:25,199 [ LAUGHTER ] 1234 00:45:25,199 --> 00:45:27,059 >> IT WAS REPORTED THAT AS PART 1235 00:45:25,199 --> 00:45:27,059 OF WILLIAM SHATNER'S DIVORCE 1236 00:45:27,059 --> 00:45:29,079 SETTLEMENT FROM HIS EX-WIFE, HE 1237 00:45:27,059 --> 00:45:29,079 WILL GAIN CUSTODY OF THE 1238 00:45:29,079 --> 00:45:32,119 COUPLE'S SUPPLY OF HORSE SEMEN 1239 00:45:29,079 --> 00:45:32,119 NOW, I DON'T WANT TO SPECULATE 1240 00:45:32,119 --> 00:45:34,170 ON WHAT HE'S DOING WITH ALL THAT 1241 00:45:32,119 --> 00:45:34,170 HORSE SEMEN, BUT DUDE'S ALMOST 1242 00:45:34,170 --> 00:45:41,239 90 1243 00:45:34,170 --> 00:45:41,239 AND HIS SKIN LOOKS AMAZING 1244 00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:45,179 >>> A NEW STUDY CLAIMS THAT 1245 00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:45,179 NEGATIVE GENDER STEREOTYPES 1246 00:45:45,179 --> 00:45:48,190 KEEPS BOYS FROM READING. 1247 00:45:45,179 --> 00:45:48,190 I WAS GOING TO READ MORE ON THIS 1248 00:45:48,190 --> 00:45:57,269 STUDY, BUT WHAT AM I, GAY? 1249 00:45:48,190 --> 00:45:57,269 >>> RELATIVES OF AN 11-YEAR-OLD 1250 00:45:57,269 --> 00:46:01,170 BOY WERE FINED AFTER THEY GOT 1251 00:45:57,269 --> 00:46:01,170 FED UP WITH HIM PLAYING GRAND 1252 00:46:01,170 --> 00:46:04,219 THEFT AUTO TOO MUCH AND LET HIM 1253 00:46:01,170 --> 00:46:04,219 DRIVE A REAL CAR 1254 00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:12,030 ALSO FED UP, THE PROSTITUTES HE 1255 00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:12,030 TRIED TO RUN OVER. 1256 00:46:12,030 --> 00:46:13,199 >> WELL, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON 1257 00:46:12,030 --> 00:46:13,199 RIGHT NOW. 1258 00:46:13,199 --> 00:46:15,210 AND HERE WITH HER THOUGHTS ON 1259 00:46:13,199 --> 00:46:15,210 ALL OF IT IS THE GIRL YOU WISH 1260 00:46:15,210 --> 00:46:18,260 YOU HADN'T STARTED A 1261 00:46:15,210 --> 00:46:18,260 CONVERSATION WITH AT A PARTY 1262 00:46:18,260 --> 00:46:24,070 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 1263 00:46:18,260 --> 00:46:24,070 >> MICHAEL, IT'S GOOD TO BE 1264 00:46:24,070 --> 00:46:26,239 BACK 1265 00:46:24,070 --> 00:46:26,239 >> WELL, YEAH, WE HAVEN'T SEEN 1266 00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:33,050 YOU IN AWHILE. 1267 00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:33,050 THIS WHOLE QDOBA VIRUS HAS 1268 00:46:33,050 --> 00:46:35,019 BEEN BLOWN WAY OUT OF ABORTION, 1269 00:46:33,050 --> 00:46:35,019 OKAY 1270 00:46:35,019 --> 00:46:37,039 IT'S INEXCUSAMAL 1271 00:46:35,019 --> 00:46:37,039 IT'S MISRESPECTFUL 1272 00:46:37,039 --> 00:46:40,070 I'M SORRY, THE WORLD HEALTH 1273 00:46:37,039 --> 00:46:40,070 ORGANIZATION SAID THEY'RE OUT OF 1274 00:46:40,070 --> 00:46:42,099 HAND SYNTHESIZERS? 1275 00:46:40,070 --> 00:46:42,099 IT'S LIKE, PLAY ANOTHER 1276 00:46:42,099 --> 00:46:44,130 INSTRUMENT 1277 00:46:42,099 --> 00:46:44,130 [ LAUGHTER ] 1278 00:46:44,130 --> 00:46:46,150 LIKE, I'M SORRY, MICHAEL 1279 00:46:44,130 --> 00:46:46,150 YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY 1280 00:46:46,150 --> 00:46:48,159 MUSOTOMY IN CALLING IT A WO-MAN 1281 00:46:46,150 --> 00:46:48,159 VIRUS AND NOT THE MAN VIRUS? 1282 00:46:48,159 --> 00:46:51,039 >> NO, I THINK IT'S WUHAN. 1283 00:46:48,159 --> 00:46:51,039 WUHAN. 1284 00:46:51,039 --> 00:46:54,289 >> WOW, AND YOU'RE DOING THE 1285 00:46:51,039 --> 00:46:54,289 VOICE. 1286 00:46:54,289 --> 00:46:58,159 >> LET'S DO A SCIENCE 1287 00:46:54,289 --> 00:46:58,159 EXPERIMENT 1288 00:46:58,159 --> 00:47:04,190 >> OKAY. 1289 00:46:58,159 --> 00:47:04,190 OPEN REAL WHITE. 1290 00:47:04,190 --> 00:47:05,239 I'M GOING TO PUT MY WHOLE HAND 1291 00:47:04,190 --> 00:47:05,239 IN 1292 00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:08,260 >> NO. 1293 00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:08,260 MICHAEL, YOU NEED TO WAKE UP, 1294 00:47:08,260 --> 00:47:10,130 OPEN YOUR EYES, AND YOUR EARS 1295 00:47:08,260 --> 00:47:10,130 AND YOUR MOUTH. 1296 00:47:10,130 --> 00:47:12,000 SO, I CAN PUT MY HAND IN 1297 00:47:10,130 --> 00:47:12,000 >> NO. 1298 00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:14,019 [ LAUGHTER ] 1299 00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:14,019 >> COLIN WOULD LET ME. 1300 00:47:14,019 --> 00:47:20,250 >> YEAH, 'CAUSE I'M A FREAK. 1301 00:47:14,019 --> 00:47:20,250 >> ALL RIGHT, LET'S CHANGE THIS 1302 00:47:20,250 --> 00:47:23,110 UP 1303 00:47:30,110 --> 00:47:32,130 >> THE WHOLE THING IS RIBBED FOR 1304 00:47:30,110 --> 00:47:32,130 NO ONE'S PLEASURE. 1305 00:47:32,130 --> 00:47:34,000 IT'S LIKE -- 1306 00:47:32,130 --> 00:47:34,000 [ LAUGHTER ] 1307 00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:36,019 EVERYONE'S SOCIALISM NOW 1308 00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:36,019 BUT HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR 1309 00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:38,039 VUVUZELA 1310 00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:38,039 LOUD 1311 00:47:38,039 --> 00:47:40,059 [ LAUGHTER ] 1312 00:47:38,039 --> 00:47:40,059 I'M SORRY I'M NOT JUST FOLLOWING 1313 00:47:40,059 --> 00:47:41,230 ALL THE OTHER LEPERS AND JUMPING 1314 00:47:40,059 --> 00:47:41,230 OFF A CLIFF. 1315 00:47:41,230 --> 00:47:42,289 YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND, MICHAEL, 1316 00:47:41,230 --> 00:47:42,289 THERE ARE NEWBORN BABIES WHO 1317 00:47:42,289 --> 00:47:43,289 CAN'T EVEN READ OR WRITE 1318 00:47:42,289 --> 00:47:43,289 MEANWHILE, IT'S LIKE THE 1319 00:47:43,289 --> 00:47:45,269 BRAZILIAN RAINFOREST IS BURNING. 1320 00:47:43,289 --> 00:47:45,269 IT'S LIKE, YEAH, IF YOU KEEP 1321 00:47:45,269 --> 00:47:54,110 WAXING, IT'S GOING TO BURN 1322 00:47:45,269 --> 00:47:54,110 [ LAUGHTER ] 1323 00:47:54,110 --> 00:47:58,119 >> OKAY, SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK 1324 00:47:54,110 --> 00:47:58,119 THE SOLUTION IS? 1325 00:47:58,119 --> 00:48:01,030 >> WHY DO WE HAVE A TWO PARTY 1326 00:47:58,119 --> 00:48:01,030 SYSTEM 1327 00:48:01,030 --> 00:48:08,199 WHY CAN'T WE HAVE ONE PARTY. 1328 00:48:01,030 --> 00:48:08,199 AND EVERYONE NOT MISS THE OTHER 1329 00:48:08,199 --> 00:48:16,050 ONE. 1330 00:48:08,199 --> 00:48:16,050 GIVE EVERYONE HOMO 1331 00:48:16,050 --> 00:48:25,289 >> YOU MEAN FOMO 1332 00:48:16,050 --> 00:48:25,289 SINDA. 1333 00:48:25,289 --> 00:48:27,150 SINDA. 1334 00:48:25,289 --> 00:48:27,150 THAT'S MY FRIEND SINDA 1335 00:48:27,150 --> 00:48:29,170 WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO TO A 1336 00:48:27,150 --> 00:48:29,170 JOE BIDEN RALLY LATER AND, LIKE, 1337 00:48:29,170 --> 00:48:31,039 TACKLE HIS WIFE. 1338 00:48:29,170 --> 00:48:31,039 [ ALERT SOUND 1339 00:48:31,039 --> 00:48:33,059 >> WHAT? 1340 00:48:31,039 --> 00:48:33,059 >> OH, I JUST MATCHED WITH 1341 00:48:33,059 --> 00:48:34,269 MOHAMMAD BIN SALMANARIA. 1342 00:48:33,059 --> 00:48:34,269 LISTEN, THE POINT IS, PEOPLE ARE 1343 00:48:34,269 --> 00:48:36,030 SICK OF THE HYPOCRISY, MICHAEL 1344 00:48:34,269 --> 00:48:36,030 MAYBE STOP WATCHING CABLE NEWS 1345 00:48:36,030 --> 00:48:37,269 28/7 AND ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING 1346 00:48:36,030 --> 00:48:37,269 >> LIKE WHAT 1347 00:48:37,269 --> 00:48:39,130 >> I'VE BEEN FINDING A LOT OF 1348 00:48:37,269 --> 00:48:39,130 TIME WITH JOAQUIN PHOENIX 1349 00:48:39,130 --> 00:48:41,150 RECENTLY 1350 00:48:39,130 --> 00:48:41,150 I WROTE HIS SPEECHES FOR THE 1351 00:48:41,150 --> 00:48:45,110 OSCARS, THE GOLDEN GLOBES, AND 1352 00:48:41,150 --> 00:48:45,110 THE NAMBLA'S 1353 00:48:45,110 --> 00:48:51,090 MAYBE STOP LETTING COWS FLY 1354 00:48:45,110 --> 00:48:51,090 PRIVATE PLANES TO PALM SPRINGS 1355 00:48:51,090 --> 00:48:52,250 OH AND WHAT, SO JOHN JUNIOR CAN, 1356 00:48:51,090 --> 00:48:52,250 LIKE, RUN THE TRUMP COMPANY? 1357 00:48:52,250 --> 00:48:55,130 BUT HUMPER BIDEN CAN'T WORK AS A 1358 00:48:52,250 --> 00:48:55,130 BARISTA? 1359 00:48:55,130 --> 00:48:57,170 THAT'S NECROPHILISM, MICHAEL 1360 00:48:55,130 --> 00:48:57,170 >> JUST TELL US ONE PRACTICAL 1361 00:48:57,170 --> 00:49:00,039 THING YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DO. 1362 00:48:57,170 --> 00:49:00,039 >> I DON'T KNOW, HOW ABOUT STOP 1363 00:49:00,039 --> 00:49:08,170 WORRYING ABOUT TOUCHING YOUR 1364 00:49:00,039 --> 00:49:08,170 FACE AND START TOUCHING BEHIND 1365 00:49:08,170 --> 00:49:11,210 YOUR MOUTH 1366 00:49:08,170 --> 00:49:11,210 >> NO. 1367 00:49:11,210 --> 00:49:13,230 JUST STOP TOUCHING - 1368 00:49:11,210 --> 00:49:13,230 >> EVERYBODY'S, LIKE, SO 1369 00:49:13,230 --> 00:49:15,130 SENSITIVE. 1370 00:49:13,230 --> 00:49:15,130 IT'S LIKE, WHAT, JUST BECAUSE I 1371 00:49:15,130 --> 00:49:17,110 HAVE A HIGH FEVER AND I'M 1372 00:49:15,130 --> 00:49:17,110 COUGHING ALL THE TIME, AND I 1373 00:49:17,110 --> 00:49:18,159 HAVE DIARRHEAKA, LIKE, THAT'S 1374 00:49:17,110 --> 00:49:18,159 MEANS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GO 1375 00:49:18,159 --> 00:49:19,289 OUT? 1376 00:49:18,159 --> 00:49:19,289 >> YES, YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE 1377 00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,059 >> FINE, WHAT IF I WEAR A MASK 1378 00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,059 >> OKAY, THAT'S AT LEAST BETTER. 1379 00:49:21,059 --> 00:49:31,039 BUT -- 1380 00:49:21,059 --> 00:49:31,039 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1381 00:49:31,039 --> 00:49:32,210 OH, MY GOD, GIRL AT THE PARTY, 1382 00:49:31,039 --> 00:49:32,210 EVERYBODY. 1383 00:49:32,210 --> 00:49:33,219 >> DON'T GET ON THIS TOM CRUISE 1384 00:49:32,210 --> 00:49:33,219 SHIP 1385 00:49:33,219 --> 00:49:35,090 >> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M 1386 00:49:33,219 --> 00:49:35,090 MICHAEL CHE. 1387 00:49:35,090 --> 00:49:37,199 >> I'M COLIN JOST. 1388 00:49:35,090 --> 00:49:37,199 GOOD NIGHT 1389 00:49:37,199 --> 00:49:46,010 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 1390 00:49:37,199 --> 00:49:46,010 ♪ 1391 00:49:46,010 --> 00:49:48,150 >>> EXCUSE ME, MR. JOHNSON, 1392 00:49:46,010 --> 00:49:48,150 DANIEL CRAIG IS HERE FOR HIS 1393 00:49:48,150 --> 00:49:53,210 SESSION. 1394 00:49:48,150 --> 00:49:53,210 >> OKAY. 1395 00:49:53,210 --> 00:49:55,079 SEND HIM IN. 1396 00:49:53,210 --> 00:49:55,079 >> THEY'RE READY FOR YOU 1397 00:49:55,079 --> 00:49:57,099 >> THERE HE IS, THE FUTURE 1398 00:49:55,079 --> 00:49:57,099 DETECTIVE, BENOIT BLANK. 1399 00:49:57,099 --> 00:49:58,110 YOU REMEMBER OUR CASTING 1400 00:49:57,099 --> 00:49:58,110 DIRECTOR. 1401 00:49:58,110 --> 00:50:01,150 >> WE'RE SO HAPPY YOU'RE JOINING 1402 00:49:58,110 --> 00:50:01,150 THE KNIVES OUT FAMILY. 1403 00:50:01,150 --> 00:50:05,050 >> YEAH, WE REALLY SCORED WITH 1404 00:50:01,150 --> 00:50:05,050 THIS WHOLE CAST. 1405 00:50:05,050 --> 00:50:08,099 >> YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT TO START 1406 00:50:05,050 --> 00:50:08,099 SHOOTING OPINION. 1407 00:50:08,099 --> 00:50:12,119 >> GREAT, TODAY WE WANT TO FOCUS 1408 00:50:08,099 --> 00:50:12,119 ON DEVELOPING YOUR CHARACTER 1409 00:50:12,119 --> 00:50:13,289 >> AS YOU KNOW, DETECTIVE BLANK 1410 00:50:12,119 --> 00:50:13,289 IS A GENTEEL SOUTHERN SLEUTH, 1411 00:50:13,289 --> 00:50:15,150 WE'D LIKE YOU TO DO A SOUTHERN 1412 00:50:13,289 --> 00:50:15,150 ACCENT 1413 00:50:15,150 --> 00:50:17,170 >> YEAH, NO PROBLEM. 1414 00:50:15,150 --> 00:50:17,170 BUT IS IT OKAY IF I BRING IN MY 1415 00:50:17,170 --> 00:50:26,010 ACCENT COACH REAL QUICK? 1416 00:50:17,170 --> 00:50:26,010 HEY, FRANKIE 1417 00:50:26,010 --> 00:50:28,190 COME ON. 1418 00:50:26,010 --> 00:50:28,190 >> KNOCK KNOCK 1419 00:50:28,190 --> 00:50:29,239 >> HELLO, HELLO. 1420 00:50:28,190 --> 00:50:29,239 I'M FRANK HUGHES DANIEL'S ACCENT 1421 00:50:29,239 --> 00:50:31,090 COACH. 1422 00:50:29,239 --> 00:50:31,090 I HAVE TO SAY, I'M SURE YOU'RE 1423 00:50:31,090 --> 00:50:32,260 VERY WELL AWARE ALREADY. 1424 00:50:31,090 --> 00:50:32,260 BUT YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE WORKING 1425 00:50:32,260 --> 00:50:34,139 WITH DAN 1426 00:50:32,260 --> 00:50:34,139 >> YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT A PRO, 1427 00:50:34,139 --> 00:50:39,010 FRANK IS A MAGICIAN. 1428 00:50:34,139 --> 00:50:39,010 >> SIR, I BLUSH. 1429 00:50:39,010 --> 00:50:45,219 WHAT ARE WE COOKING UP TODAY, 1430 00:50:39,010 --> 00:50:45,219 GANG 1431 00:50:45,219 --> 00:50:53,030 >> YEAH, WE JUST WANT DAN HERE 1432 00:50:45,219 --> 00:50:53,030 TO DO A SOUTHERN ACCENT. 1433 00:50:53,030 --> 00:50:54,199 >> MY SPECIALTY. 1434 00:50:53,030 --> 00:50:54,199 IS THERE A CERTAIN PROVINCE YOU 1435 00:50:54,199 --> 00:50:57,230 HAVE IN MIND 1436 00:50:54,199 --> 00:50:57,230 >> I GUESS WE DEFAULT TO YOU 1437 00:50:57,230 --> 00:50:58,239 >> WHATEVER YOU THINK IS IN 1438 00:50:57,230 --> 00:50:58,239 DAN'S RANGE. 1439 00:50:58,239 --> 00:51:02,179 >> WHY DON'T WE START IN THE 1440 00:50:58,239 --> 00:51:02,179 OZARKS OF ARKANSAS 1441 00:51:02,179 --> 00:51:08,219 A BANJO TINKIES IN THE DISTANCE. 1442 00:51:02,179 --> 00:51:08,219 AND DETECTIVE BLANK CALLS OUT, 1443 00:51:08,219 --> 00:51:10,260 HEY, BOY 1444 00:51:08,219 --> 00:51:10,260 SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS MAYBE 1445 00:51:10,260 --> 00:51:19,199 WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR? 1446 00:51:10,260 --> 00:51:19,199 >> THAT COULD BE FUN. 1447 00:51:19,199 --> 00:51:22,230 >> NO. 1448 00:51:19,199 --> 00:51:22,230 I THINK WE WANT SOMETHING A 1449 00:51:22,230 --> 00:51:24,130 LITTLE MORE SUBTLE 1450 00:51:22,230 --> 00:51:24,130 >> MY HUSBAND'S FROM ARKANSAS, 1451 00:51:24,130 --> 00:51:27,139 AND HE DOESN'T TALK LIKE THAT. 1452 00:51:24,130 --> 00:51:27,139 >> OKAY. 1453 00:51:27,139 --> 00:51:31,179 WELL, WHY DON'T WE TAKE A TRIP 1454 00:51:27,139 --> 00:51:31,179 DOWN TO ALABAMA. 1455 00:51:31,179 --> 00:51:41,269 THEY HAVE SOME GOOD TURTLES DOWN 1456 00:51:31,179 --> 00:51:41,269 THERE. 1457 00:51:41,269 --> 00:51:47,110 YOU BETTER GET ME A FAN BECAUSE 1458 00:51:41,269 --> 00:51:47,110 IT'S HOT 1459 00:51:47,110 --> 00:51:49,170 MY BUTT IS HOT 1460 00:51:47,110 --> 00:51:49,170 OH, LORD MY BUTT IS HOT. 1461 00:51:49,170 --> 00:51:57,260 >> DOES THAT WORK FOR YOU? 1462 00:51:49,170 --> 00:51:57,260 >> HE CO BE LIKE OH, LORD, BIG 1463 00:51:57,260 --> 00:52:02,150 OLD BUTT IS SO DAMN HOT. 1464 00:51:57,260 --> 00:52:02,150 >> DAN 1465 00:52:02,150 --> 00:52:05,030 >> YEAH, THAT'S INCREDIBLE 1466 00:52:02,150 --> 00:52:05,030 >> SHOULD WE GO WITH THAT? 1467 00:52:05,030 --> 00:52:06,039 >> YEAH, AGAIN, I DON'T THINK 1468 00:52:05,030 --> 00:52:06,039 SO, GUYS 1469 00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:07,210 >> MILLION HUGHES, WHERE DID YOU 1470 00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:07,210 SAY YOU WERE FROM? 1471 00:52:07,210 --> 00:52:13,239 >> MARYLAND. 1472 00:52:07,210 --> 00:52:13,239 >> AND HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO THE 1473 00:52:13,239 --> 00:52:15,250 SOUTH? 1474 00:52:13,239 --> 00:52:15,250 >> NO. 1475 00:52:15,250 --> 00:52:22,010 BUT I HAVE STUDY THE REGION, 1476 00:52:15,250 --> 00:52:22,010 MAINLY THROUGH CARTOONS, 1477 00:52:22,010 --> 00:52:26,059 YOSEMITE SAM, FOG HORN LEG HORN. 1478 00:52:22,010 --> 00:52:26,059 >> I'M SORRY, I THINK WE'D 1479 00:52:26,059 --> 00:52:28,150 RATHER WORK WITH SOMEONE A 1480 00:52:26,059 --> 00:52:28,150 LITTLE MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE. 1481 00:52:28,150 --> 00:52:30,010 >> COME ON, YOU HAVE TO GIVE HIM 1482 00:52:28,150 --> 00:52:30,010 A CHANCE 1483 00:52:30,010 --> 00:52:31,179 MAYBE WE JUST HAVEN'T FOUND IT 1484 00:52:30,010 --> 00:52:31,179 YET. 1485 00:52:31,179 --> 00:52:34,050 >> YEAH, MAYBE HE'S A DETECTIVE 1486 00:52:31,179 --> 00:52:34,050 FROM GEORGIA 1487 00:52:34,050 --> 00:52:40,280 IT'S SO HOT. 1488 00:52:34,050 --> 00:52:40,280 BOY MY BRITCHES IS WET, ON 1489 00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,019 ACCOUNT OF MY BIG OLD BUTT IS 1490 00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,019 WET AND HOT. 1491 00:52:43,019 --> 00:52:49,210 >> I REALLY LIKE THAT ONE, YES 1492 00:52:43,019 --> 00:52:49,210 CAN YOU TEACH ME THAT? 1493 00:52:49,210 --> 00:52:50,170 >> YEAH, YOU JUST WANT TO DROP 1494 00:52:49,210 --> 00:52:50,170 YOUR JAW 1495 00:52:50,170 --> 00:52:51,170 KEEP IT REAL LOOSE LIKE THIS 1496 00:52:50,170 --> 00:52:51,170 OPEN IT UP LIKE THIS 1497 00:52:51,170 --> 00:53:00,070 >> IT'S SO HOT 1498 00:52:51,170 --> 00:53:00,070 >> OKAY. 1499 00:53:00,070 --> 00:53:06,110 I'M SORRY, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE 1500 00:53:00,070 --> 00:53:06,110 HOT BUTT TALK? 1501 00:53:06,110 --> 00:53:09,289 >> THAT'S WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE 1502 00:53:06,110 --> 00:53:09,289 IT'S VERY HOT IN THE SOUTH 1503 00:53:09,289 --> 00:53:11,039 >> YEAH, USE YOUR BRAIN. 1504 00:53:09,289 --> 00:53:11,039 >> MY BUTT GETS HOT UP NORTH 1505 00:53:11,039 --> 00:53:13,230 JUST IMAGINE HOW HOT IT WOULD BE 1506 00:53:11,039 --> 00:53:13,230 DOWN SOUTH 1507 00:53:13,230 --> 00:53:19,179 >> YOU STEAM YOUR JEANS. 1508 00:53:13,230 --> 00:53:19,179 >> EXACTLY, DANIEL 1509 00:53:19,179 --> 00:53:23,219 >> LET'S JUST READ SOME LINES 1510 00:53:19,179 --> 00:53:23,219 AND LET DANIEL FIND THE VOICE 1511 00:53:23,219 --> 00:53:25,239 HIMSELF. 1512 00:53:23,219 --> 00:53:25,239 >> OKAY. 1513 00:53:25,239 --> 00:53:27,010 >> FRANK, WOULD YOU MIND READING 1514 00:53:25,239 --> 00:53:27,010 FOR MARTA, THE SOUTH AMERICAN 1515 00:53:27,010 --> 00:53:28,280 NURSE? 1516 00:53:27,010 --> 00:53:28,280 >> SURE, SHE'S FROM THE SOUTH OF 1517 00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:30,289 AMERICA. 1518 00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:30,289 GOT IT 1519 00:53:30,289 --> 00:53:35,199 >> LET'S DO IT, AND ACTION 1520 00:53:30,289 --> 00:53:35,199 >> AFTER MUCH ANALYSIS OF THE 1521 00:53:35,199 --> 00:53:41,269 FACTS. 1522 00:53:35,199 --> 00:53:41,269 I'VE COME TO A CONCLUSION OF THE 1523 00:53:41,269 --> 00:53:47,110 PERPETRATOR OF THIS HERE MURDER. 1524 00:53:41,269 --> 00:53:47,110 >> WELL, NOW, I SAY MR. BLANK, I 1525 00:53:47,110 --> 00:53:50,150 DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT 1526 00:53:47,110 --> 00:53:50,150 HAPPENED TO THAT MAN THAT DIED 1527 00:53:50,150 --> 00:53:54,159 >> I'M SORRY, WHAT DOES IT SAY 1528 00:53:50,150 --> 00:53:54,159 HERE 1529 00:53:54,159 --> 00:53:59,099 >> MARTHA PUKES. 1530 00:53:54,159 --> 00:53:59,099 >> OH, MY GOD. 1531 00:53:59,099 --> 00:54:01,280 >> COME ON, DUDE 1532 00:53:59,099 --> 00:54:01,280 >> WHAT? 1533 00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:06,019 IT SAYS IN THE SCRIPT, MARTHA 1534 00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:06,019 PUKES. 1535 00:54:06,019 --> 00:54:07,030 >> YOU CAN JUST PUKE ON COMMAND? 1536 00:54:06,019 --> 00:54:07,030 >> OF COURSE I CAN 1537 00:54:07,030 --> 00:54:09,059 I'M AN ACTOR 1538 00:54:07,030 --> 00:54:09,059 DANIEL, CAN'T YOU? 1539 00:54:09,059 --> 00:54:15,119 >> YES, I CAN. 1540 00:54:09,059 --> 00:54:15,119 >> OKAY. 1541 00:54:15,119 --> 00:54:30,190 >> COME ON, GUYS 1542 00:54:15,119 --> 00:54:30,190 >> HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT? 1543 00:54:30,190 --> 00:54:40,159 >> COME ON, WE'RE ACTORS 1544 00:54:30,190 --> 00:54:40,159 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 1545 00:54:40,159 --> 00:54:44,019 >>> ONE MORE SETTLEMENT AND 1546 00:54:40,159 --> 00:54:44,019 BOOM, THAT'S SEVEN VICTORY 1547 00:54:44,019 --> 00:54:46,199 POINTS 1548 00:54:44,019 --> 00:54:46,199 MARK IT. 1549 00:54:46,199 --> 00:54:52,050 >> OH, MAN 1550 00:54:46,199 --> 00:54:52,050 >> I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A 1551 00:54:52,050 --> 00:54:54,210 PLEASANT GAME NIGHT WITH MY 1552 00:54:52,050 --> 00:54:54,210 WIFE'S WORK FRIENDS, NOT A BLOOD 1553 00:54:54,210 --> 00:54:56,110 BATH 1554 00:54:54,210 --> 00:54:56,110 >> WELL, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO 1555 00:54:56,110 --> 00:54:57,269 YOU, I THINK WE'RE OUT OF GAME 1556 00:54:56,110 --> 00:54:57,269 IT'S LATE, WE SHOULD PROBABLY 1557 00:54:57,269 --> 00:55:02,000 GET GOING ANYWAYS. 1558 00:54:57,269 --> 00:55:02,000 >> OR WE COULD QUOTE 1559 00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:03,170 >> WHAT'S THAT 1560 00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:03,170 >> WE COULD QUOTE. 1561 00:55:03,170 --> 00:55:08,070 LIKE, SAY LINES FROM MOVIES AND 1562 00:55:03,170 --> 00:55:08,070 THEN GUESS THEM. 1563 00:55:08,070 --> 00:55:11,250 >> OH, YEAH, OKAY. 1564 00:55:08,070 --> 00:55:11,250 IS THAT A GAME THAT YOU LIKE 1565 00:55:11,250 --> 00:55:18,170 >> YEAH. 1566 00:55:11,250 --> 00:55:18,170 IT REALLY IS 1567 00:55:18,170 --> 00:55:20,059 >> I JUST CALLED A LYFT HOME 1568 00:55:18,170 --> 00:55:20,059 >> THEN CANCEL IT, BECAUSE IT 1569 00:55:20,059 --> 00:55:25,099 LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO QUOTE. 1570 00:55:20,059 --> 00:55:25,099 >> OKAY. 1571 00:55:25,099 --> 00:55:27,269 I COULD START. 1572 00:55:25,099 --> 00:55:27,269 YOU'RE A WIZARD, HARRY 1573 00:55:27,269 --> 00:55:34,000 >> HARRY POTTER AND THE 1574 00:55:27,269 --> 00:55:34,000 SOURCER'S STONE. 1575 00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:38,079 >> SHE'S RIGHT 1576 00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:38,079 >> COOL, AND NOW I GET TO GO 1577 00:55:38,079 --> 00:55:43,130 BECAUSE I GOT THAT ONE 1578 00:55:38,079 --> 00:55:43,130 OH, OKAY, I NEED TWO NEW SUITS 1579 00:55:43,130 --> 00:55:46,000 OFF THE RACK, ONE LIGHT AND ONE 1580 00:55:43,130 --> 00:55:46,000 DARK 1581 00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:47,170 >> NO CLUE 1582 00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:47,170 >> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. 1583 00:55:47,170 --> 00:55:50,050 I KNOW THIS. 1584 00:55:47,170 --> 00:55:50,050 IT'S THE - 1585 00:55:50,050 --> 00:55:51,059 THE AVIATOR. 1586 00:55:50,050 --> 00:55:51,059 >> OH, DAMN IT 1587 00:55:51,059 --> 00:55:55,110 THAT WAS TOO EASY. 1588 00:55:51,059 --> 00:55:55,110 >> EASY? 1589 00:55:55,110 --> 00:55:57,130 IT SOUNDED VAGUE AS HELL 1590 00:55:55,110 --> 00:55:57,130 >> WOW 1591 00:55:57,130 --> 00:56:02,190 YOU KNOW YOUR QUOTES 1592 00:55:57,130 --> 00:56:02,190 >> YEAH, I DO, ACTUALLY. 1593 00:56:02,190 --> 00:56:10,280 >> BIG D ENERGY OVER THERE 1594 00:56:02,190 --> 00:56:10,280 >> YEAH. 1595 00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:18,219 >> LOUIS, WHAT WAS THAT? 1596 00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:18,219 >> IT'S MY TURN, HERE WE GO. 1597 00:56:18,219 --> 00:56:21,090 THANKS FOR WALKING HIM 1598 00:56:18,219 --> 00:56:21,090 NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M NOT 1599 00:56:21,090 --> 00:56:25,280 FEELING SO WELL. 1600 00:56:21,090 --> 00:56:25,280 >> AS GOOD AS IT GETS. 1601 00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:28,000 >> WHAT, YOU'RE KILLING ME 1602 00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:28,000 >> WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DO 1603 00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:29,010 THAT 1604 00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:29,010 >> WHAT, DEEP QUOTE? 1605 00:56:29,010 --> 00:56:34,219 >> YEAH. 1606 00:56:29,010 --> 00:56:34,219 >> MAYBE BECAUSE I SPEND A LOT 1607 00:56:34,219 --> 00:56:38,269 OF TIME WATCHING MOVIES ALL THE 1608 00:56:34,219 --> 00:56:38,269 TIME 1609 00:56:38,269 --> 00:56:45,030 >> SO YOU'RE A LITTLE QUOTE 1610 00:56:38,269 --> 00:56:45,030 QUEEN? 1611 00:56:45,030 --> 00:56:50,090 >> YOU COULD SAY THAT. 1612 00:56:45,030 --> 00:56:50,090 WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE A SLICK 1613 00:56:50,090 --> 00:56:54,289 DADDY? 1614 00:56:50,090 --> 00:56:54,289 ONLY THE BIGGEST FLICK DADDY 1615 00:56:54,289 --> 00:56:59,179 THAT YOU'LL EVER MEET IN YOUR 1616 00:56:54,289 --> 00:56:59,179 WHOLE LIFE 1617 00:56:59,179 --> 00:57:00,190 >> HOW, YOU HAVE A JOB 1618 00:56:59,179 --> 00:57:00,190 >> NO, I DON'T 1619 00:57:00,190 --> 00:57:06,239 I WAS FIRED SIX MONTHS AGO 1620 00:57:00,190 --> 00:57:06,239 >> EXCUSE ME 1621 00:57:06,239 --> 00:57:13,170 >> YOU'RE EXCUSED. 1622 00:57:06,239 --> 00:57:13,170 >> WHO'S NEXT? 1623 00:57:13,170 --> 00:57:15,030 >> YEAH, MAYBE LET'S STICK TO 1624 00:57:13,170 --> 00:57:15,030 MORE WELL KNOWN QUOTES. 1625 00:57:15,030 --> 00:57:16,199 >> SORRY, BUT THERE'S NO RULE 1626 00:57:15,030 --> 00:57:16,199 AGAINST DEEP QUOTING 1627 00:57:16,199 --> 00:57:18,079 >> NO, NO, SHE'S RIGHT 1628 00:57:16,199 --> 00:57:18,079 IT'S NOT A GAME IF YOU DON'T 1629 00:57:18,079 --> 00:57:21,110 DEEP QUOTE 1630 00:57:18,079 --> 00:57:21,110 >> LOUIS, DEEP QUOTE 1631 00:57:21,110 --> 00:57:24,139 >> YEAH, DEEP QUOTE. 1632 00:57:21,110 --> 00:57:24,139 >> WHOA, THE BUZZ THING STOPS 1633 00:57:24,139 --> 00:57:27,170 RIGHT NOW. 1634 00:57:24,139 --> 00:57:27,170 >> OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. 1635 00:57:27,170 --> 00:57:29,039 MY TURN. 1636 00:57:27,170 --> 00:57:29,039 I GUESS I'LL PICK AN EASY ONE, 1637 00:57:29,039 --> 00:57:35,110 OKAY 1638 00:57:29,039 --> 00:57:35,110 HEY, HI, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE 1639 00:57:35,110 --> 00:57:37,139 HERE 1640 00:57:35,110 --> 00:57:37,139 >> OH, I GOT IT. 1641 00:57:37,139 --> 00:57:39,159 SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEONE ELSE, 1642 00:57:37,139 --> 00:57:39,159 SOMEONE ELSE 1643 00:57:39,159 --> 00:57:40,170 >> THERE'S NOT A TON OF 1644 00:57:39,159 --> 00:57:40,170 IDENTIFYING INFORMATION IN 1645 00:57:40,170 --> 00:57:42,039 THERE. 1646 00:57:40,170 --> 00:57:42,039 >> WHAT ARE YOU QUOTING? 1647 00:57:42,039 --> 00:57:44,219 >> IT'S EASY 1648 00:57:42,039 --> 00:57:44,219 BAILEY THE LORD. 1649 00:57:44,219 --> 00:57:46,079 KEEP TALKING, MORON. 1650 00:57:44,219 --> 00:57:46,079 OKAY, I DON'T LIKE THAT. 1651 00:57:46,079 --> 00:57:47,099 >> MAKE LET'S PLAY THIS ANOTHER 1652 00:57:46,079 --> 00:57:47,099 TIME 1653 00:57:47,099 --> 00:57:48,260 >> WHAT, NO. 1654 00:57:47,099 --> 00:57:48,260 WE'RE TIED 2-2 1655 00:57:48,260 --> 00:57:54,190 I'M NOT ABOUT TO LAY DOWN AND 1656 00:57:48,260 --> 00:57:54,190 LET LISA'S HOT HUSBAND RAIL ME 1657 00:57:54,190 --> 00:57:59,059 NO 1658 00:57:54,190 --> 00:57:59,059 >> HOT HUSBAND RAIL YOU? 1659 00:57:59,059 --> 00:58:00,079 >> YEAH, COME ON, QUOTE OFF, YOU 1660 00:57:59,059 --> 00:58:00,079 AND ME 1661 00:58:00,079 --> 00:58:02,099 >> OKAY, LET'S GO, LITTLE GIRL 1662 00:58:00,079 --> 00:58:02,099 >> OKAY. 1663 00:58:02,099 --> 00:58:07,000 WHAT MADE YOU PICK ME? 1664 00:58:02,099 --> 00:58:07,000 >> CAPTAIN PHILLIPS. 1665 00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:10,039 >> OH, DAMN IT 1666 00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:10,039 GO 1667 00:58:10,039 --> 00:58:13,219 >> WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO? 1668 00:58:10,039 --> 00:58:13,219 >> CAPTAIN PHILLIPS. 1669 00:58:13,219 --> 00:58:16,250 TRYING TO TRICK ME 1670 00:58:13,219 --> 00:58:16,250 OKAY, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE 1671 00:58:16,250 --> 00:58:24,039 IT'S OKAY? 1672 00:58:16,250 --> 00:58:24,039 >> CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, YOU SNEAKY 1673 00:58:24,039 --> 00:58:25,210 BITCH. 1674 00:58:24,039 --> 00:58:25,210 >> STOP QUOTING CAPTAIN 1675 00:58:25,210 --> 00:58:29,250 PHILLIPS 1676 00:58:25,210 --> 00:58:29,250 >> OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. 1677 00:58:29,250 --> 00:58:32,119 GOOD TO OWN A BOURGEOIS. 1678 00:58:29,250 --> 00:58:32,119 >> GOOD TO OWN A BOURGEOIS 1679 00:58:32,119 --> 00:58:34,289 THEY ARE RICH. 1680 00:58:32,119 --> 00:58:34,289 >> PARASITE. 1681 00:58:34,289 --> 00:58:42,070 >> OH, COME ON 1682 00:58:34,289 --> 00:58:42,070 >> Y'ALL KNOW KOREAN NOW 1683 00:58:42,070 --> 00:58:44,250 >> OKAY, FINAL ROUND 1684 00:58:42,070 --> 00:58:44,250 SUDDEN DEATH, NO WORDS 1685 00:58:44,250 --> 00:58:47,090 ACTS OUT ONLY. 1686 00:58:44,250 --> 00:58:47,090 >> OKAY. 1687 00:58:47,090 --> 00:58:50,059 I'LL START 1688 00:58:47,090 --> 00:58:50,059 >> UP IN THE AIR 1689 00:58:50,059 --> 00:58:51,070 >> AH, DAMN IN 1690 00:58:50,059 --> 00:58:51,070 >> MY TURN 1691 00:58:51,070 --> 00:58:55,110 [ COUGHING ] 1692 00:58:51,070 --> 00:58:55,110 >> PHILADELPHIA. 1693 00:58:55,110 --> 00:59:01,079 GET OUT OF THE HANKS BANK. 1694 00:58:55,110 --> 00:59:01,079 >> OKAY, YOU'RE UP 1695 00:59:01,079 --> 00:59:07,150 I GOT IT 1696 00:59:01,079 --> 00:59:07,150 >> WHOA! 1697 00:59:07,150 --> 00:59:09,010 >> THE NOTEBOOK. 1698 00:59:07,150 --> 00:59:09,010 I KNEW IT WAS GOSLING FROM YOUR 1699 00:59:09,010 --> 00:59:11,030 TONGUE 1700 00:59:09,010 --> 00:59:11,030 >> ENOUGH OF THIS. 1701 00:59:11,030 --> 00:59:15,190 GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. 1702 00:59:11,030 --> 00:59:15,190 >> BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN 1703 00:59:15,190 --> 00:59:22,170 >> GET THE HELL OUT. 1704 00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:35,150 >> ONCE AGAIN, THE WEEKEND 1705 00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:35,150 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 1706 00:59:35,150 --> 00:59:51,099 ♪ 1707 00:59:54,210 --> 00:59:58,210 ♪ 1708 00:59:54,210 --> 00:59:58,210 ♪ WHEN I SAW THE SIGN 1709 00:59:58,210 --> 01:00:06,139 I SHOULD HAVE LET YOU GO 1710 00:59:58,210 --> 01:00:06,139 BUT I KEPT YOU BESIDE ME 1711 01:00:06,139 --> 01:00:10,190 AND IF I HELD YOU BACK ♪ 1712 01:00:06,139 --> 01:00:10,190 ♪ AT LEAST I HELD YOU CLOSE 1713 01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:12,210 SHOULD HAVE KNOW 1714 01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:12,210 YOU WERE LONEL 1715 01:00:12,210 --> 01:00:21,139 I KNOW THINGS WILL ♪ 1716 01:00:12,210 --> 01:00:21,139 ♪ NEVER BE THE SAME 1717 01:00:21,139 --> 01:00:27,050 TIME WE LOST WIL 1718 01:00:21,139 --> 01:00:27,050 NEVER BE AGAIN 1719 01:00:27,050 --> 01:00:31,090 I'M THE REASON ♪ 1720 01:00:27,050 --> 01:00:31,090 ♪ YOU FORGOT TO LOV 1721 01:00:31,090 --> 01:00:34,280 SO DON'T 1722 01:00:31,090 --> 01:00:34,280 BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAI 1723 01:00:34,280 --> 01:00:39,179 SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN ♪ 1724 01:00:34,280 --> 01:00:39,179 ♪ NO DON' 1725 01:00:39,179 --> 01:00:44,230 BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAI 1726 01:00:39,179 --> 01:00:44,230 SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN 1727 01:00:44,230 --> 01:00:52,170 YOU ALWAYS MISSED THE ♪ 1728 01:00:44,230 --> 01:00:52,170 ♪ CHANCE TO FAL 1729 01:00:52,170 --> 01:00:56,059 FOR SOMEONE ELSE 1730 01:00:52,170 --> 01:00:56,059 'CAUSE YOUR HEAR 1731 01:00:56,059 --> 01:01:03,289 ONLY KNOWS ME ♪ 1732 01:00:56,059 --> 01:01:03,289 ♪ THEY TRY TO WIN YOUR LOVE 1733 01:01:03,289 --> 01:01:11,079 THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT 1734 01:01:03,289 --> 01:01:11,079 THEY JUST MADE 1735 01:01:11,079 --> 01:01:14,110 YOU FEEL LONELY ♪ 1736 01:01:11,079 --> 01:01:14,110 ♪ WELL I AM NOT 1737 01:01:14,110 --> 01:01:19,159 THE MAN I USED TO BE 1738 01:01:14,110 --> 01:01:19,159 DID SOME THINGS 1739 01:01:19,159 --> 01:01:25,079 COULDN'T LET YOU SEE ♪ 1740 01:01:19,159 --> 01:01:25,079 ♪ REFUSED TO BE THE ONE 1741 01:01:25,079 --> 01:01:30,280 WHO TAKES YOUR HEART 1742 01:01:25,079 --> 01:01:30,280 SO DON'T 1743 01:01:30,280 --> 01:01:39,059 BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN ♪ 1744 01:01:30,280 --> 01:01:39,059 ♪ SCARED TO LIVE AGAI 1745 01:01:39,059 --> 01:01:44,130 NO DON'T 1746 01:01:39,059 --> 01:01:44,130 SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN BAB 1747 01:01:44,130 --> 01:01:49,030 SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN ♪ 1748 01:01:44,130 --> 01:01:49,030 ♪ I BE PRAYING THAT 1749 01:01:49,030 --> 01:01:54,079 YOU FIND YOURSEL 1750 01:01:49,030 --> 01:01:54,079 WE FELL APAR 1751 01:01:54,079 --> 01:02:00,150 RIGHT FROM THE START ♪ 1752 01:01:54,079 --> 01:02:00,150 ♪ I SHOULD HAVE MAD 1753 01:02:00,150 --> 01:02:07,219 YOU MY ONL 1754 01:02:00,150 --> 01:02:07,219 WHEN IT'S SAID AND DON 1755 01:02:07,219 --> 01:02:14,130 OH ♪ 1756 01:02:07,219 --> 01:02:14,130 ♪ SO DON' 1757 01:02:14,130 --> 01:02:20,210 BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAI 1758 01:02:14,130 --> 01:02:20,210 SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN 1759 01:02:20,210 --> 01:02:30,010 NO DON'T ♪ 1760 01:02:20,210 --> 01:02:30,010 ♪ BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN 1761 01:02:30,010 --> 01:02:38,099 SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN 1762 01:02:30,010 --> 01:02:38,099 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN PRAYING 1763 01:02:38,099 --> 01:02:51,250 THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF ♪ 1764 01:02:38,099 --> 01:02:51,250 ♪ WE FELL APART 1765 01:02:51,250 --> 01:03:05,070 RIGHT FROM THE START ♪ 1766 01:02:51,250 --> 01:03:05,070 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 1767 01:03:05,070 --> 01:03:07,059 ♪ MY FAMILY'S ALL ASLEE 1768 01:03:05,070 --> 01:03:07,059 SO I WON'T MAKE A PEEP 1769 01:03:07,059 --> 01:03:08,239 I'LL COOK ALL NIGH 1770 01:03:07,059 --> 01:03:08,239 MY MOST DELICIOUS RECIPE ♪ 1771 01:03:08,239 --> 01:03:11,110 ♪ I STILL HAV 1772 01:03:08,239 --> 01:03:11,110 QUITE A SURPRISE 1773 01:03:11,110 --> 01:03:13,130 IN THE MORNING 1774 01:03:11,110 --> 01:03:13,130 WHEN THEY RISE ♪ 1775 01:03:13,130 --> 01:03:17,019 ♪ THEY'LL TAKE A BIG BITE 1776 01:03:13,130 --> 01:03:17,019 OF MY OVERNIGHT SALA 1777 01:03:17,019 --> 01:03:21,059 IT'S NOT EASY TO MAKE ♪ 1778 01:03:17,019 --> 01:03:21,059 ♪ LOTS OF INGREDIENTS 1779 01:03:21,059 --> 01:03:23,239 IT TAKES 1780 01:03:21,059 --> 01:03:23,239 BUT IT'S WORTH IT TO SERVE 1781 01:03:23,239 --> 01:03:26,130 MY OVERNIGHT SALAD ♪ 1782 01:03:23,239 --> 01:03:26,130 ♪ TAKE A LITTLE BIT 1783 01:03:26,130 --> 01:03:31,190 OF LETTUCE 1784 01:03:26,130 --> 01:03:31,190 SPRINKLE IN SOME CHEES 1785 01:03:31,190 --> 01:03:34,219 A LITTLE SCOSCHE OF LEMON ♪ 1786 01:03:31,190 --> 01:03:34,219 ♪ AND A GALLON OF MAY 1787 01:03:34,219 --> 01:03:36,090 SO MANY RAISINS AN INSAN 1788 01:03:34,219 --> 01:03:36,090 AMOUNT OF PEPPER ♪ 1789 01:03:36,090 --> 01:03:40,130 ♪ NOW YOU'RE MAKING A SALAD 1790 01:03:36,090 --> 01:03:40,130 54 HOT DOG 1791 01:03:40,130 --> 01:03:43,159 LOOK WHO'S BACK IT'S MAY 1792 01:03:40,130 --> 01:03:43,159 DON'T SKIMP ON THE FRITOS ♪ 1793 01:03:43,159 --> 01:03:48,219 ♪ AND ROOT BEER 1794 01:03:43,159 --> 01:03:48,219 THE CROUTONS AND COOKIES 1795 01:03:48,219 --> 01:03:52,110 ADD THE PIZZA TO 1796 01:03:48,219 --> 01:03:52,110 OF COURSE ♪ 1797 01:03:52,110 --> 01:03:55,139 ♪ THEN I LET IT SIT 1798 01:03:52,110 --> 01:03:55,139 ALL NIGHT ON THE 1799 01:03:55,139 --> 01:03:59,030 RADIATOR ♪ 1800 01:03:55,139 --> 01:03:59,030 ♪ IN THE MORNIN 1801 01:03:59,030 --> 01:04:03,070 WHEN THEY RISE 1802 01:03:59,030 --> 01:04:03,070 MY DAUGHTER'S EYES 1803 01:04:03,070 --> 01:04:06,110 FILLED WITH PRIDE ♪ 1804 01:04:03,070 --> 01:04:06,110 ♪ WHEN THEY TAKE A BIG BITE 1805 01:04:06,110 --> 01:04:10,000 OF MY OVERNIGHT SALAD ♪ 1806 01:04:06,110 --> 01:04:10,000 ♪ THE ULTIMATE PRIZ 1807 01:04:10,000 --> 01:04:11,170 MY HUSBAND 1808 01:04:10,000 --> 01:04:11,170 KING OF THE GUYS ♪ 1809 01:04:11,170 --> 01:04:16,050 ♪ WHICH HE CHOMPS INT 1810 01:04:11,170 --> 01:04:16,050 FOR MY OVERNIGHT SALAD 1811 01:04:16,050 --> 01:04:18,070 IT'S ALL OVER THEIR FACE 1812 01:04:16,050 --> 01:04:18,070 MY FAMILY LOVES THE -- 1813 01:04:18,070 --> 01:04:21,260 >> OH, MY GOD, THIS TASTES LIKE 1814 01:04:18,070 --> 01:04:21,260 [ BLEEP ]. 1815 01:04:21,260 --> 01:04:24,170 WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? 1816 01:04:21,260 --> 01:04:24,170 I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE 1817 01:04:24,170 --> 01:04:28,019 A SALAD. 1818 01:04:24,170 --> 01:04:28,019 >> IT'S MY OVERNIGHT SALAD 1819 01:04:28,019 --> 01:04:30,190 >> MAYONNAISE AND LETTUCE LEFT 1820 01:04:28,019 --> 01:04:30,190 OUT ALL NIGHT? 1821 01:04:30,190 --> 01:04:32,219 WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? 1822 01:04:30,190 --> 01:04:32,219 >> THINKING YOU WOULD BE KING OF 1823 01:04:32,219 --> 01:04:34,239 THE GUYS 1824 01:04:32,219 --> 01:04:34,239 >> NO, NO, YOU NEED HELP, 1825 01:04:34,239 --> 01:04:38,230 NADINE 1826 01:04:34,239 --> 01:04:38,230 >> MOMMY, BAXTER'S NOT MOVING. 1827 01:04:38,230 --> 01:04:43,110 >> I GAVE HIM A BITE OF MY 1828 01:04:38,230 --> 01:04:43,110 OVERNIGHT SALAD. 1829 01:04:43,110 --> 01:04:44,289 >> ARE YOU HAPPY, NADINE 1830 01:04:43,110 --> 01:04:44,289 YOU KILLED THE [ BLEEP ] DOG 1831 01:04:44,289 --> 01:04:50,239 ARE YOU STUPID 1832 01:04:44,289 --> 01:04:50,239 YOUR BRAIN IS SICK 1833 01:04:50,239 --> 01:04:53,269 >> MAYBE, DOES IT NEEDS A BIG 1834 01:04:50,239 --> 01:04:53,269 SCOOP OF MAYO? 1835 01:04:53,269 --> 01:04:57,000 >> THERE'S A QUARTER IN MY 1836 01:04:53,269 --> 01:04:57,000 SALAD. 1837 01:04:57,000 --> 01:04:59,019 ♪ WELL THE QUARTE 1838 01:04:57,000 --> 01:04:59,019 IS THE THING ♪ 1839 01:04:59,019 --> 01:05:01,199 >> NO, NADINE, NO. 1840 01:04:59,019 --> 01:05:01,199 JUST STOP. 1841 01:05:01,199 --> 01:05:03,139 COME ON, GIRLS, LET'S GO 1842 01:05:01,199 --> 01:05:03,139 COME ON. 1843 01:05:03,139 --> 01:05:06,179 >> I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO 1844 01:05:03,139 --> 01:05:06,179 EAT THIS ALL MYSELF. 1845 01:05:06,179 --> 01:05:10,219 ♪ 1846 01:05:06,179 --> 01:05:10,219 ♪ OVERNIGHT SALAD 1847 01:05:10,219 --> 01:05:13,070 [ BELL TOLLS ] 1848 01:05:21,079 --> 01:05:25,179 >>> THANKS TO THE WEEKND, DARREL 1849 01:05:21,079 --> 01:05:25,179 HAMMOND, TO SENATOR ELIZABETH 1850 01:05:25,179 --> 01:05:33,090 WARREN 1851 01:05:25,179 --> 01:05:33,090 SO THE AMAZING CAST AND ALL THE 1852 01:05:33,090 --> 01:05:35,019 CREW 1853 01:05:33,090 --> 01:05:35,019 I'M DANIEL CRAIG, THIS HAS BEEN 1854 01:05:35,019 --> 01:05:44,079 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, THANK YOU 1855 01:05:35,019 --> 01:05:44,079 THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT 113343

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