Original subtitles

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY CORONAVIRUS.

THE LEFT CONTINUES THEIR

DISHONEST SMEAR CAMPAIGN AGAINST

TRUMP.

HERE'S A VIDEO OF LOCAL LIBS TO

BUY THE LAST BOTTLE OF ORGANIC

PURELL

IT'S INSANE.

THE LEFT IS TRYING TO WHIP

PEOPLE INTO A FEAR FRENZY OF

LIES

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.

IT'S OUR THING

CORE

CORONAVIRUS IS AN URBAN LEGEND.

YOU HAVE MUCH BIGGER THINGS TO

WORRY ABOUT.

TO HELP YOU CALM DOWN, HERE'S A

LIST OF MUCH BIGGER THINGS TO

WORRY ABOUT.

WOMEN WHO KEEP THEIR MAIDEN

NAMES.

MONTY SORRY SCHOOLS.

FAT BARBIES.

WHAT'S THE MAID SAY.

BLACKMARING BANDS, THEY'RE TOO

GOOD

AND HARRY STYLES

WHAT'S HE DOING?

WHO'S THAT FOR

INSTEAD OF WASTING YOUR MONEY ON

$300 SURGICAL MASKS.

CONSIDER SUPPORTING MY EVER

THINNING LIST OF SPONSORS.

LIKE DEER TANKS.

LET'S CHASE IT, SHOOTING DEER

TAKES TOO LONG

SEND BAMBI TO HELL WITH DEER

TANKS.

INDOOR HORNS

AND WORD SEARCHES WITH RACIAL

SLURS IN IT.

YOU DIDN'T SAY IT, YOU JUST

CIRCLED IT

FOR MORE ON THIS LIBERAL FAN

FICTION THAT IS THE CORONAVIRUS

WE GO TO JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO

>> GET RID OF THEM

>> GET RID OF WHO?

>> WHOEVER

>> THANKS FOR JOINING US,

JANINE

SHOULD OUR VIEWERS BE DOING

ANYTHING TO PREPARE FOR THE

CORONAVIRUS?

>> HELL, NO.

AMERICANS ARE NOT AT RISK.

ESPECIALLY NOT OUR VIEWERS, WHO

SKEW ELDERLY, ARE IN BAD HEALTH.

LIVE CLOISTERED TOGETHER IN

HOMES SPECIFICALLY FOR SICK

PEOPLE AND HAVE SMOKED THEIR

ENTIRE LIVES

>> SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE NOT TOO

WORRIED.

>> NOT ONE BIT

SO DON'T GET IT TWISTED.

IF YOU SEE ME AVOIDING CHINESE

RESTAURANTS, IT'S NOT BECAUSE

I'M SCARED, IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T

TRUST THE CHINESE.

A FORTUNE COOKIE ONCE TOLD ME TO

LOWER MY VOICE

BUT I'VE NEVER LOOKED BACK

>> ALL RIGHT, WELL, STAY SAFE

OUT THERE, JANINE.

>> NO NEED

ALCOHOL IS A DISINFECTANT, SO

MAMA'S GONNA LIVE FOREVER.

>> THANK YOU FOR THAT EXCELLENT

REPORTING.

>> WE GO NOW TO MEN ON THE

INSIDE, DON JUNIOR AND ERIC

TRUMP.

>> HI, LAURA, DID YOU GET MY

VALENTINE?

>> PASS.

NOW, WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT

THE PRESIDENT'S RESPONSE TO THE

VIRUS?

>> LAURA, OUR FATHER HAS

EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL

YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS WOULD LOVE

FOR PEOPLE TO GET SICK SO THEY

CAN USE IT TO THEIR ADVANTAGE.

LIKE HOW WE GIVE ERIC RAW

CHICKEN SO HE MISSES IMPORTANT

MEETINGS

>> I LOVE MY PINK NUGGETS.

>> THAT'S GREAT, BUDDY

>> LAURA, THE LIBS THINK THEY

CAN SPIN THIS TO HURT OUR

FATHER

BUT IF THERE'S ANYTHING MY DAD'S

ON TOP OF, IT'S THE TOILET

>> NO, THIS CRISIS

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE ANSWERS,

BUDDY, I GOT IT.

>> THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS,

AMERICANS ARE PERFECTLY SAFE,

IT'S LIKE OUR DAD ALWAYS SAYS.

>> THE N WORD?

>> NO.

NO

ONLY DURING SONGS, BUDDY

>> OKAY.

>> DIDN'T WE BRING YOU A TOY OR

SOMETHING YOU CAN PLAY WITH?

>> YEAH, MY BEEPY TOY.

>> THAT'S A THERMOMETER, IT ONLY

BEEPS IF YOU HAVE A --

>> 104

BUDDY, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

>> THE PARK.

>> WE GOT TO GO, LAURA

>> ALL RIGHT, THANKS FOR JOINING

US

>> I'M A FATHER.

>> RIGHT, NOW, FRESH OFF GETTING

THE VEGAN LEATHER BOOT AT MSNBC

FOR THE HIGH CRIME OF GIVING A

GIRL A COMPLIMENT, I'D LIKE TO

WELCOME OUR NEWEST FOX NEWS

ANCHOR, CHRIS MATTHEWS

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>> WELCOME BACK TO "HARDBALL"

I'M CHRIS MATTHEWS

TONIGHT MY GUEST IS LAURA, A

SPOOKY BLONDE LADY WHO LIES TO

THE ELDERLY.

HA

>> CHRIS, NO, YOU'RE ON MY SHOW.

>> I FORGOT, FORCE OF HABIT,

MAYBE I'LL GET IN TROUBLE FOR

SAYING THIS, YOU LOOK GREAT.

>> CHRIS, YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER

YOU WANT, IT'S FOX

>> OH, MY GOD, THE PLACE IS

AMAZING, EVERYONE HERE IS HOT,

CRAZY OR BOTH.

>> YEAH.

NOW YOU RESIGNED AFTER RECENT

NONSCANDALS LIKE COMPARING

BERNIE SANDERS TO HITLER

HOW DO YOU RESPOND

YOU CAN PUT IT AS CRAZY AS YOU

WANT TO.

>> HERE IT GOES.

THE RACE IS DOWN TO HITLER AND

AN ICE CREAM CONE TO SEE WHO CAN

BEAT THE MICHELIN MAN.

BACK TO YOU, GIRL HITLER

>> WELCOME HOME.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US

>> HABADAHABA.

>>> NOW A CELEBRITY INTERVIEW

BROUGHT TO YOU BY OUR AMAZING

SPONSORS

LIKE MESH PILLOW, YOUR GREEDY

KIDS CAN'T SMOTHER YOU WITH MESH

PILLOWS.

AND FOR ANYONE LOOKING TO MAKE

CASH, FAKE PURELL, IT'S LUBE IN

A PURELL BOTTLE.

AND NOW, THE WOMAN WHO SAVAGED

MURDERED MICHAEL BLOOMBERG ON

LIVE TELEVISION, PLEASE WELCOME

SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>> HI, LAURA, THANKS FOR HAVING

ME

>> HOW HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE

DROPPING OUT OF THE RACE

>> YOU KNOW, I'M DOING JUST

FINE

MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY HAVE BEEN

SO SUPPORTIVE, THEY'VE BEEN

CALLING NONSTOP, ASKING, ARE YOU

OKAY

WHAT DO YOU NEED

WERE YOU ELECTABLE

>> WELL, YOU CERTAINLY RAN A

MEMORABLE CAMPAIGN

HERE'S FOOTAGE OF YOU DEBATING

MIKE BLOOMBERG

>> VERY GOOD

>> AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, WERE

YOU THE DOG OR THE BURRITO

>> I WAS THE DOG

>> GOT IT.

SO YOU'RE NOT ENDORSING ANYONE

YET?

>> WELL, IT'S TOUGH.

MAYBE I'LL JUST PULL A "NEW YORK

TIMES" AND ENDORSE THEM BOTH

>> WELL, NOW THAT YOU'RE DONE

CAMPAIGNING, DO YOU HAVE ANY

REGRETS?

>> NOT AT ALL.

I'M SO PROUD OF OUR CAMPAIGN

WE BUILT A WIDE COALITION OF

TEACHERS, PRESCHOOL TEACHERS,

MIDDLE SCHOOLTEACHERS, AND

TEACHERS PETS.

AND NOT ONLY DID I NOT ACCEPT

MONEY FROM BILLIONAIRES, I GOT

TO GIVE ONE A SWALLEY ON LIVE

TV

BUT NOW I GOT TIME TO DO A

LITTLE SELF-CARE

HANGING OUT WITH MY DOG BAILEY,

PRANK CALLING BIG BANKS.

DRAG RACING SUBARUS.

AVOIDING TWITTER

AND BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO THANK

MY SUPPORTERS AND SAY ONE LAST

THING.

>> HI THERE, HOW ARE YOU

>> SORRY, I JUST -- I WANTED TO

PUT ON MY FAVORITE OUTFIT TO

THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU'VE

DONE IN YOUR LIFETIME.

>> I'M NOT DEAD, I'M JUST IN THE

SENATE.

>> OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

SO LET'S STAY IN THE SPOT.

AND LET'S DO THIS.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT

SATURDAY NIGHT

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

>> Announcer: IT'S

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!"

WITH -

FEATURING --

MUSICAL GUEST --

THE WEEKND AND YOUR HOST -

DANIEL CRAIG ♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -

DANIEL CRAIG

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK

YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S JUST LOVELY TO BE HOSTING

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

I HOSTED EIGHT YEARS AGO, AND MY

LIFE IS VERY DIFFERENT NOW

I MOVED TO NEW YORK.

WHEN PEOPLE SAY TO ME, WHERE

BROOKLYN AT?

I CAN TELL THEM, IT'S OVER THE

BROOKLYN BRIDGE OR THE MANHATTAN

BRIDGE, DEPENDING ON THE

TRAFFIC.

EVERYONE ASSUMES BECAUSE I PLAY

JAMES BOND I'M THIS SUAVE

SOPHISTICATED GUY.

I HAVE TO ADMIT, I AM.

I MEAN, I'M JAMES BOND

I KNOW ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE

HUMBLE

OH, I'M JUST A NERD.

I'M NOT A NERD

YOU'RE A NERD.

NOW, THIS NEXT JAMES BOND FILM

IS GOING TO BE MY LAST

BUT IT'S GOING TO BE ONE OF THE

BEST, BECAUSE WELL, WE HAVE

PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE FROM

"FLEABAG" TO HELP WITH SOME OF

THE DIALOGUE

IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THAT

DIFFERENT, BUT EVERY SO OFTEN I

WILL TURN TO THE CAMERA AND SAY,

THE NAME'S BOND.

JAMES BOND

IS IT BAD THAT I FANCY THE POPE.

YOU ALSO MAY HAVE HEARD THE

RELEASE OF THE FILM HAS BEEN

DELAYED DUE TO PUBLIC HEALTH

CONCERNS

THERE'S THIS SCENE THAT'S MY

FAVORITE AND THE PRODUCERS HAVE

BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO LET ME SHOW

IT TONIGHT

SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK

♪

>> CRAPS

I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOUR GAME WAS

STEALING STATE SECRETS

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME,

JAMES?

MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR

FAVOR?

>> MAYBE I'LL BE LUCKY

NOW, WHERE'S YOUR BOSS

>> SEVEN, WINNER

>> REALLY?

I JUST ROLLED A SEVEN.

>> WHAT MAKES YOU THINK --

>> WELL, THAT'S SIMPLE MY

DARLING.

>> I'M 00 --

>> 7

>> HOT HAND AT THE TABLE FOLKS,

PLACE YOUR BETS.

>> KEEP IT UP, MY ASS IS IN THE

HOLE

>> DON'T LOSE IT, MY WIFE'S

GOING TO KILL ME

WHO CARES, IT'S MY MONEY

>> WHAT DO I DO NOW?

>> OKAY, I CAN'T BELIEVE MY

HEART IS BEATING SO FAST

THIS IS JUST LIKE -- GIVE ME AN

8, GIVE ME AN 8, GIVE ME AN 8.

6-2, EASY 8.

>> YOU SIR, YOU, YOU

YOU, SIR YOU, YOU, YOU

IT'S SO EXCITING

WHAT DO I DO NOW

>> IT DEPENDS.

>> RIGHT NOW IS DON'T ROLL A

SEVEN.

>> CAN I GET A VODKA MARTINI

SHAKEN

CAN I GET A VODKA AND RED BULL

PINT GLASS PLEASE?

>> WE GOT A SIX.

>> LET'S PUT ALL OUR CHIPS ON

HARD 4

>> LET'S DO IT, HARD 4

HARD 4

>> I'LL MEET YOU UP THERE.

>> IF I ROLL A HARD FOUR

YOU BETTER CALL ME SIMBA,

BECAUSE I AM THE GREATEST.

>> 2 AND 2 MAKES 4 THE HARD WAY.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

WHAT, I DID IT

>> MY BOSS --

>> COOL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I

HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE

I'M BUZZED

>> OKAY, OKAY.

WHAT DO I ROLE NOW

>> SNAKE EYES.

>> OH, YOU JOKE, SNAKE EYES.

>> TAKE A LOOK AT THESE SNAKE

EYES

>> OH, SNAKE EYES.

>> IT SEEMS MR. BOND YOUR LUCK

HAS RUN OUT.

>> WELL PLAYED BOND.

EVERYONE ALL RIGHT

>> YEAH, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU

JUST ROLLED SNAKE EYES

♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>> WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW.

THE WEEKND IS HERE

SO STICK AROUND.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, THANK YOU

[ CHEERS AND AUSE PPLA

♪

♪

♪ THE SANDS OF MODESTO

>>> WITH THE OUTBREAK OF

COVID-19, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE

CORONAVIRUS, THE PRODUCERS OF

TODAY'S EPISODE OF THE SANDS OF

MODESTO WOULD LIKE TO REMIND

VIEWERS THAT THE STAGING OF

CERTAIN SCENES HAVE BEEN ALTERED

FOR THE ACTORS' SAFETY

♪ THE SANDS OF MODESTO

>> THANK YOU, TYRELLE.

MY FACE LOOKS AMAZING

I THINK I'M READY FOR THE

BENEFIT

WELL I AM THE BEST MAKEUP

ARTIST IN MODESTO

LET ME JUST PUT SOME LIP GLOSS

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE READY DEBRANIKE

I'M SORRY TO BE PERSONAL, BUT

MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION

DOES A COCKATOO LIVE HERE?

♪

>> NO, NOT ANY MORE.

THE COCKATOO FLEW SO FAR, FAR

AWAY

>> GOOD.

THAT EXPLAINS IT

THEN I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> THANK YOU, TYRELLE.

[ PHONE RINGING

OH, EXCUSE ME.

I THINK I HAVE A CALL.

HELLO?

MY GOD, REALLY

WELL, WHERE IS SHE

HERE

WELL, I CAN'T SEE.

[ DOOR BELL RINGING

>> COMING.

ON MY WAY.

STACIA

>> HELLO, MOTHER

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE KILLED IN

THAT PLANE CRASH

>> THAT'S WHAT I WAS TOLD.

BUT I'M ALIVE.

>> OH, COME, LET ME HOLD YOUR

FACE, MY DARLING

I NEVER WANT TO LET GO OF YOU.

>> DON'T, MOTHER, DON'T EVER LET

ME GO.

HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET

BACK

>> WELL, I HAD THE HELP OF A

FRIEND

>> DEBRANIKE

>> LEAF CHILDERS

>> IT'S BEEN QUITE A LONG TIME

YOU REMEMBER CHARLES

>> HELLO, CHARLES.

>> LEAF, I THOUGHT YOU LEFT TO

BECOME A PRIEST?

>> YES, BUT I COULDN'T DO IT

THE NO SEX PART.

ALSO, HAVE YOU READ THE BIBLE,

IT'S KIND OF WEIRD

THE TRUTH IS, I COULDN'T STOP

THINKING ABOUT YOU

>> I'LL GIVE YOU TWO A MOMENT.

MOTHER

ONE MORE EMBRACE

>> OH.

OF COURSE.

>> I'LL ADMIT THIS IS QUITE A

SURPRISE

SANDS OF MODESTO SHIFT IN

UNPREDICTABLE WAYS

>> INDEED THEY DO.

PLEASE, JOIN ME ON THE COUCH

LET'S GET REACQUAINTED

EXCUSE US, CHARLES

>> SEE, ISN'T THAT BETTER?

>> BEING THIS CLOSE TO YOU HAS

BROUGHT BACK SO MANY FEELINGS.

>> WELL, WHY FIGHT THEM.

REMEMBER HOW I USED TO STROKE

YOUR HAIR?

>> I NEVER FORGOT THAT FOR A

SECOND

>> YOU'RE A GORGEOUS MAN

I MISS TOUCH

OH, LEAF I CAN'T HELP IT, I WANT

TO KISS YOU.

>> WELL, WHY DON'T YOU

COME DARLING, WE CAN'T DENY IT

ANY LONGER

>> THEN KISS ME.

KISS ME NOW.

>> IT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED TO

DO

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOUR KISSES TASTE JUST LIKE I

REMEMBER

>> TAKE ME

TAKE ME THEN

PLEASE

YES, YES

YES!

>> I FEEL WE WILL MELT INTO ONE.

>> DEBRANIKE, WHAT THE HELL ARE

YOU DOING?

>> VICTANIA.

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

>> YOU THINK IF MY EX-HUSBAND

CAME BACK, I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT

IT

BITCH, THIS IS MODESTO

>> SO IT IS.

AND PERHAPS IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH

FOR THE BOTH OF US

>> YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT

>> YOU CRAZY SLUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GET OFF ME

>> OH, GOD

>> I'M SORRY, I OVER REACTED

I NEVER THOUGHT --

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

♪ THE SANDS OF MODESTO

♪

♪ OUT DRINKIN

WITH MY BOYS LATE NIGH

COME HOME TO

MY LADY PAST MIDNIGHT ♪

♪ SHE'S WAITING U

SHE THROWING ME SHAD

WE HAVING WORD

THIS IS WHAT SHE SAYS ♪

♪ SHE SAID I'M OUT TOO LATE

SHE PUSHED ME AWAY

THERE AIN'T NOTHING IN

THE WORLD THAT I CAN SAY ♪

♪ SO I'M SLEEPING

ON THE COUCH TONIGHT

SHE GOT ME

ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪

♪ NOW I'M SLEEPIN

ON THE COUCH TONIGHT

I'M SLEEPING

ON THE COUCH ♪

♪ WORKING LAT

MAKING PAPER

HITTING DEADLINE ♪

♪ COMING HOME

I WAS STROLLIN

IN THE BEDTIME ♪

♪ I BOUGHT A SHEET SHEE

SHE ONLY KNOWS

I ACT A LO

BUT I ALREADY KNOW ♪

♪ I'M ON THE COUCH TONIGH

SHE GOT ME

ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪

♪ SHE IN BE

ALL TUCKED IN TIGH

BUT I'M SLEEPING

ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪

♪ I'M SLEEPIN

ON THE COUCH

MAKE DINNE

LIKE LOVERS DO ♪

♪ I BOUGHT HER WINE

AND I'M SLEEPING

ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪

♪ SHE GOT M

ON THE COUCH TONIGHT

DON'T SLEEP TO

IT'S TIME ♪

♪ SLEEPING ON

THE COUCH TONIGH

SHE GOT ME ON THE COUCH ♪

♪ WAKE HER UP

WITH ROSES ON THE BE

TELL HER ALL THE SWEET

THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD ♪

♪ SHE ROLL AROUND

AND I'M SLEEPING

ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪

♪ SHE GOT ME ON THE COUCH

SHE SAYS I ♪

♪ SLEEPING ON

THE COUCH TONIGH

SHE GOT ME ON THE COUCH ♪

♪ I SAY HELLO AND

♪ I'M SLEEPIN

ON THE COUCH TONIGHT

SLEEPING O

THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪

♪ SHE GOT ME ON THE

WE ALL MAK

MISTAKES IT'S TRUE

TELL ME WHAT I GOT TO DO ♪

♪ GET BACK IN

THE BEDS WITH YO

WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU ♪

♪ CHEATED ON ME

ALMOST EVERY DAY

I CAUGHT YOU CHEATIN

ON ME YESTERDAY ♪

♪ YOU DID

♪ YOU EVEN CHEATE

ON ME ON MY COUC

THAT'S WHY YOUR ASS IS

IN THE DOGHOUSE ♪

♪ I AIN'T MAD ABOUT YOU

WORKING LATE

BUT YOU GOT 10 CREDIT CARD

IN MY NAME ♪

♪ YOU MAX THEM OU

NOW MY CREDIT'S BA

WHY DID YOU TAKE OUT

LIFE INSURANCE ON ME ♪

♪ WE BROKE UP FIVE YEARS AG

I GOT MARRIED TO ANOTHER GUY

HE'S SICK OF YOU

CRASHING HERE ♪

♪ YOU REALLY HAVE TO STOP

COMING OVER HERE ♪

>> YOU REALLY CAN'T KEEP COMING

HERE

I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO

STAY, BUT WE GOT KIDS.

>> NO.

>> NO BUTS, IT'S GOT TO STOP,

OKAY

ALL RIGHT, WELL, SEE YOU AROUND.

♪ I'M SLEEPIN

IN MY CAR TONIGH

SLEEPING IN MY CAR ♪

>> YOU CAN'T PARK IN THE DRIVE

WAY, BUDDY, COME ON, YOU GOT TO

GO

LET'S GO

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAND THERE

AND WATCH ME LEAVE

>> NO, I DON'T HAVE TO, BUT I'M

GOING TO

♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>>> WELCOME BACK TO "THE DEIRDRE

SHOW."

MY GUEST CO-HOST TODAY IS A

LEGENDARY DIVA OF SONG

SHE'S GOT DOZENS OF HIT RECORDS

LIKE OOH THAT MAN AND LET ME

TELL YOU ABOUT CHRISTMAS

SHE'S BACK IN THE NEWS BECAUSE

SHE HIT A TRAIN WITH HER CAR

PLEASE WELCOME, COOKIE LA FLUTE.

COOKIE, WE ARE SO GLAD TO HAVE

YOU.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, AUDIENCE

>> YES

>> WE LOVE YOU, COOKIE

>> GO, COOKIE.

>> THANK YOU

IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, WHERE AM

I?

WHO ARE YOU?

THE PLEASURE'S ALL YOURS

>> WONDERFUL

AS YOU KNOW, THIS WEEK IS FINGER

WEEK ON OUR SHOW

AND TODAY WE'RE GOING TO MAKE

SOME FINGER FOOD

SOUND GOOD, COOKIE

>> I'M STARVING, LET'S GET TO

IT

>> JOINING US TODAY IS A

CELEBRITY CHEF IF YOU'RE FROM

LONDON WHO'S GOING TO TEACH US

HOW TO MAKE AMERICAN APPETIZERS.

>> I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY, TODAY

IT'S ALL ABOUT HORS D'OEVRES

>> THAT IS FRENCH.

>> YES, FOR HORSE DOVE

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> I HAVE TONS OF THEM IN MY NEW

COOKBOOK, THE HUNGRY DIVORCEE.

JUST BECAUSE YOUR MARRIAGE IS

OVER DOESN'T MEAN YOUR HUNGER IS

TOO.

WE'RE STARTING OFF WITH ONE OF

MY FAVORITES

IT'S DELICIOUS LITTLE QUICHES.

>> THEY'RE SO CUTE

THANK YOU.

>> I'M GOING TO EAT THIS IN ONE

BITE

>> DON'T EAT THE FOIL.

>> WHAT?

>> I MEAN, THE ALUMINUM FOIL ON

THE BOTTOM

YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT

>> I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE FOIL.

>> DON'T EAT THE FOIL?

WHO IS THIS MAN?

>> THE NEXT THING I WANT TO TALK

ABOUT IS GUACAMOLE

>> WHO IS THIS MAN

DON'T EAT THE FOIL

DO YOU SEE THIS MAN?

>> YEAH, WE SEE HIM, COOKIE.

>> I'M SORRY ABOUT THE FOIL, I

FEEL LIKE WE GOT OFF ON THE

WRONG FOOT

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SCRATCH

YOUR MOUTH, YOU NEED IT FOR

SINGING.

>> I DON'T EAT FOIL.

I DON'T EAT FOIL

>> CHEF CLYDE, HOW ABOUT WE

SLIDE ON DOWN TO THE NEXT FOOD

>> COOKIE, I THINK YOU'LL LOVE

MY PIGS IN A BLANKET

>> YOU ALL KNOW I LOVE PIGS AND

I LOVE ME SOME BLANKETS.

>> OKAY.

SO THESE ARE SO EASY TO THROW

TOGETHER

>> YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M NOT OVER THE FOIL THING.

>> COOKIE, IF YOU LIKE

MUSTARD --

>> DON'T EAT THE FOIL.

DON'T EAT THE FOIL

LEGENDS DON'T EAT FOIL, BOO.

WHO DO I LOOK LIKE

DO I LOOK LIKE BOBO THE CLOWN?

>> NO, COOKIE, YOU LOOK HOT.

>> KILL HIM.

>> OKAY, CHEF CLYDE, HOW ABOUT

ANOTHER FOOD

>> GOOD IDEA

IF YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS AT ROOM

TEMPERATURE, GOOD NEWS, WE HAVE

DEVILED EGGS

>> COOKIE, LET'S TRY THEM.

>> SURE.

BUT SIR, AREN'T YOU SCARED

>> SCARED OF WHAT?

>> AREN'T YOU SCARED I'M GOING

TO EAT THE SPOON

TELL ME NOT TO EAT THE SPOON, AS

IF I'M NOT A FAMOUS SINGER

PISSING ME OFF

>> I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING TO

EAT THE SPOON.

>> YOU AND ALL YOUR LITTLE

FOODS.

I'VE BEEN FAMOUS FOR OVER

25 YEARS

I EAT BIG FOOD

>> I'M SURE YOU EAT VERY BIG

FOOD

>> DO YOU KNOW THAT ONCE A YEAR,

IN NOVEMBER, I COOK A BIG TURKEY

AND I INVITE PEOPLE I LOVE TO

HAVE SOME.

THAT'S HOW GOOD I CAN SING

>> AND THAT SOUNDS LIKE

THANKSGIVING

>> OKAY, WELL, BEFORE MY TIME

RUNS OUT --

>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT -- AIN'T

NOBODY WANT YOUR FOIL, OKAY?

TINY MAN WITH TINY FOOD.

WHO CAN'T EVEN SING.

GIVE YOUR GUESTS A STEAK YOU

QUEER.

>> OH!

>> I CAN SAY IT, MY HUSBAND IS

GAY.

>> WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WRAP

THIS UP, AUDIENCE, DID WE LOSE

YOU?

>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.

>> WE LOVE THIS.

>> THE WHOLE TASTE OF THIS THING

OUT OF MY MOUTH, ALL YOUR FOOD

LOOKS DISGUSTING

>> OH, YOU --

>> DID YOU --

>> WHY YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE

THAT

IT'S JUST GUM, YOU KNOW, IT'S

SHINY, TASTES LIKE COINS

>> OKAY, WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW

BYE-BYE.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S

HEAR SOME NOISE FOR OUR NEWLY

HITCHED MR. AND MRS., WHO HAVE

BEEN STEALING SOME KISSES, MARK

AND LIZ MCKELLEN, Y'ALL.

>> MARK AND LIZ!

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT

LIZ WOULD SETTLE DOWN, BUT MARK

IS THE PERFECT MATCH TO HAPPILY

EVER AFTER

>> TO HAPPILY EVER AFTER

>> IS THIS TABLE NINE?

>> IT SURE IS.

WE'RE THE FUN TABLE.

SIT DOWN

>> LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO

HAVE TO TAKE THE MASK OFF.

UNLESS YOU'RE GONNA POKE A

LITTLE HOLE THROUGH THERE.

>> DON'T WORRY, NONE OF US ARE

SICK, WE'RE JUST A LITTLE TIPSY.

>> WELL --

>> AND UNFORTUNATELY, WITH

COVID-19, YOU CAN DISPLAY NO

SYMPTOMS AND STILL BE WILDLY

CONTAGIOUS

HI, I'M DEBBIE

[ SAD TROMBONE ]

♪

♪ YOU'RE ENJOYING YOUR DA

EVERYTHING'S GOING

YOUR WAY ♪

♪ WHEN ALONG COME

DEBBIE DOWNER ♪

♪ ALWAYS THERE TO TELL YO

ABOUT A NEW DISEAS

A CAR ACCIDENT

OR KILLER BEES ♪

♪ YOU BEG HER TO SPARE YO

DEBBIE PLEAS

BUT YOU CAN'T STOP

DEBBIE DOWNER ♪

[ SAD TROMBONE ]

>> THAT'S A PRETTY ELABORATE

MASK

IT'S KIND OF FUTURISTIC, ISN'T

IT

>> YEAH, I BOUGHT ONE OF THE

LAST M-95s ON AMAZON

THEY SAY TO FOREGO MASKS, SO

GOOD LUCK NABBING ONE WHEN WE'RE

FACING A WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC.

[ SAD TROMBONE ]

>> I'M SURE WE'RE ALL GOING TO

BE OKAY.

>> DEBBIE, MAYBE WE SHOULD

INTRODUCE OURSELVES.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> TABLE NINE, TABLE NINE.

>> I'M LIZ'S AUNT KAREN AND THIS

HAD IS MY DAUGHTER MINDY

>> WHY ARE YOU HERE?

>> I MEAN, HOW DO YOU KNOW THE

HAPPY COUPLE

>> I'M MARK'S FIRST COUSIN ONCE

REMOVED, FOR TRESPASSING

>> HOW ABOUT A LITTLE DRINK.

MAYBE THAT WILL LOOSEN YOU UP A

LITTLE

>> I DON'T WANT TO DRINK TOO

MUCH, LAST TIME I DRANK, I WAS

ALMOST ME TOOED.

>> THAT'S TERRIBLE

DID SOMEONE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF

YOU?

>> WHY WOULD YOU DELVE

>> I WAS ON ONE OF THOSE JUST

LUNCH DATES AND CHOKED ON A

CROUTON, MY DATE HAD TO GIVE ME

THE HEIMLICH

HE CLEARLY THOUGHT THE BOTTOM OF

MY RIBCAGE WAS MUCH HIGHER

#NOTBUYINGIT

>> QUESTION, DO WE HAVE TO STAY

AT OUR ASSIGNED TABLES

>> YEAH, DEBBIE, WHY DON'T YOU

GO SAY HI TO THE BRIDE AND

GROOM?

>> OKAY.

HEY, GUYS, CONGRATS.

THE WEDDING WAS REALLY

BEAUTIFUL.

I WANTED TO GIVE YOU MY GIFT,

THOUGH

HERE, OPEN IT.

I MADE A DONATION IN YOUR NAME

TO MY FAVORITE CHARITY

>> OH, A $25 DONATION TO POUNCE

FOR A CURE

>> YES

>> A CURE FOR WHAT

>> NO, NO, DON'T ASK THAT.

>> FELINE AIDS

IT'S THE NUMBER ONE KILLER OF

DOMESTIC CATS.

[ MEOW ]

>> HEY, DEBBIE, YOU KNOW,

THEY'RE SERVING THE ENTREE, WHY

DON'T YOU GO SIT DOWN AND STUFF

YOUR MOUTH WITH GOOD FOOD.

>> OKAY, GUYS, ENJOY

>> YES

I'M READY FOR THIS FEAST

>> THESE MASHED POTATOES LOOK

LIKE HEAVEN.

>> AFTER WE EAT, I VOTE WE GET A

LINE DANCE GOING

>> HEY, SPEAKING OF VOTING, HOW

DO YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT TRUMP

[ SAD TROMBONE ]

[ SAD TROMBONE ]

[ SAD TROMBONE ]

>> HEY, GUYS, I JUST CAUGHT THE

BOUQUET.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LOVES FLOWERS?

HONEY BEES, TOO BAD THEY'RE ON

THEIR WAY OUT.

[ SAD TROMBONE ]

♪ NO YOU CAN'T STOP

DEBBIE DOWNER ♪

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE WEEKND

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

♪

♪ I BEEN TRYNA CALL

I BEEN ON MY OWN

FOR LONG ENOUG

MAYBE YOU CAN SHOW ME ♪

♪ HOW TO LOVE MAYBE

I'M GOIN

THROUGH WITHDRAWAL

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ♪

♪ TO DO TOO MUC

YOU CAN TURN ME ON

WITH JUST A TOUCH BABY

I LOOK AROUND AND ♪

♪ SIN CITY'S COLD AND EMPTY

NO ONE'S AROUND TO JUDGE M

I CAN'T SEE CLEARL

WHEN YOU'RE GONE ♪

♪ I SAID OO

I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

NO I CAN'T SLEEP UNTIL

I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪

♪ I SAID OO

I'M DROWNING IN THE NIGH

OH WHEN I'M LIKE THI

YOU'RE THE ONE I TRUST

HEY HEY HEY ♪

>> NEW YORK!

LET'S GO

♪

♪ I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME

'CAUSE I CAN SEE THE SUN

LIGHT UP THE SKY

SO I HIT THE ROAD ♪

♪ IN OVERDRIVE BABY

OH THE CITY'

COLD AND EMPTY

NO ONE'S AROUND ♪

♪ TO JUDGE ME

I CAN'T SEE CLEARL

WHEN YOU'RE GONE

I SAID OOH ♪

♪ I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHTS

NO, I CAN'T SLEE

UNTIL I FEEL YOUR TOUC

I SAID OOH ♪

♪ I'M DROWNING IN THE NIGHT

OH WHEN I'M LIKE THI

YOU'RE THE ONE I TRUST

I'M JUST WALKING BY TO ♪

♪ LET YOU KNO

I CAN NEVER SAY IT

ON THE PHONE

WILL NEVER LET ♪

♪ YOU GO THIS TIM

I SAID OOH

I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

NO I CAN'T SLEEP UNTIL ♪

♪ I FEEL YOUR TOUCH

>> NEW YORK CITY, MAKE SOME

NOISE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

YEAH

♪ O

OKAY

I SAID OOH

I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHTS ♪

♪ NO I CAN'T SLEE

UNTIL I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND

UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND

MICHAEL CHE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

>> THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING,

EVERYONE

>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE.

I'M MICHAEL CHE.

>> I'M COLIN JOST.

WELL, LAST WEEK WE HAD SIX

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES.

AND THIS WEEK IT'S BECOME LIKE

MY DAD'S FAVORITE RADIO STATION,

JUST THE OLDIES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JOE BIDEN IS NOW THE

FRONT-RUNNER AND JUST PICKED UP

AN ENDORSEMENT FROM MICHIGAN'S

GOVERNOR

IT MAKES SENSE MICHIGAN WOULD

LOVE BIDEN, IT KIND OF LOOKS

LIKE A HAND TRYING TO TOUCH A

LADY'S HAIR.

I GOT TO SAY, HONESTLY, I CANNOT

BE MORE EXCITED FOR BIDEN/TRUMP

DEBATES.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE THE FIRST

DEBATES THAT HAVE TO BE

MODERATED BY A JAMAICAN NURSE.

AS WELL AS THE ONLY DEBATES THAT

AIR ON THE TURNER CLASSIC MOVIE

CHANNEL.

AND I DON'T WANT THE MODERATOR

TO ASK THEM ABOUT ANYTHING

POLITICAL.

I WANT ALL THE QUESTIONS TO JUST

BE LIKE, "WHO WAS THE GREATEST

SLUGGER OF THE '50s?

[ LAUGHTER ]

AT THIS POINT I THINK THE DEBATE

SHOULD BE ON THE CRUISE SHIP AND

WHOEVER CAN BEAT CORONAVIRUS

SHOULD BECOME OUR NEXT

PRESIDENT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO

WIN THE NOMINATION, BUT WATCHING

WHITE PEOPLE FIGHT OVER THESE

OLD DUDES IS HILARIOUS

I DON'T EVEN CARE WHO WINS, JUST

AS LONG AS THEY BEAT TRUMP

I'M NOT EVEN REALLY A DEMOCRAT,

I JUST VOTE NOT REPUBLICAN

DEMOCRATS ARE LIKE CONDOMS TO

ME

I'LL USE THEM BECAUSE IT'S

SAFER, I GUESS, BUT IT DOESN'T

FEEL GOOD.

>> BOTH JOE BIDEN AND

BERNIE SANDERS ARE ACTIVELY

COURTING ELIZABETH WARREN'S

ENDORSEMENT.

BUT I GOT TO SAY, THE PANT SUITS

ARE A LITTLE MUCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO ATTACKED

BIDEN OVER HIS RECENT GAFFE

SAYING, THERE'S SOMETHING GOING

ON THERE

AND TRUMP SHOULD DEFINITELY

KNOW, BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING

GOING ON THERE TOO

A FEW DAYS AGO, HE DID THIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

YOU CAN'T SAY SOMEONE ELSE IS

LOSING IT, AND THEN WHISPER I

LOVE YOU TO A FLAG

THAT'S LIKE SAYING, OH, THIS

GUY'S LOST HIS MARBLES, BUT

YOU'RE SAYING IT TO A MANNEQUIN.

>>> THEN TRUMP VISITED THE CDC

>> EVERY ONE OF THESE DOCTORS

SAID, HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH

ABOUT THIS

MAYBE I HAVE A NATURAL ABILITY

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT

INSTEAD OF RUNNING FOR

PRESIDENT.

>> OH, MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING

TO DIE

WHAT WILL DOES THAT MEAN, HE HAS

A NATURAL ABILITY FOR

CORONAVIRUS.

MAYBE, OR --

>> MAYBE IT'S BRAIN DISEASE.

>> THE ODDS OF US CATCHING

CORONAVIRUS IS ABOUT AS HIGH AS

US ENDING UP ON SATURDAY NIGHT

LIVE, AND HERE WE ARE, COLIN, WE

BOTH GONNA CATCH IT.

WE HAD A GOOD RUN, WE

ACCOMPLISHED A LOT

COULD YOU BELIEVE WE BOTH ALMOST

GOT TO MARRY SCARLET JOHANSSON

THAT'S CRAZY

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED FRIDAY THAT

SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST HAS BEEN

CANCELLED BECAUSE OF THE

CORONAVIRUS.

MEANWHILE, CORONAVIRUS IS SET TO

HEADLINE COACHELLA

>>> IN BREAKING NEWS TODAY, IT

TURNS OUT THAT A GUEST AT THE

CONSERVATIVE CPAC CONFERENCE

WHICH WAS ATTENDED BY TRUMP AND

PENCE HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR

CORONAVIRUS.

WORSE, IT WAS THE GUY IN CHARGE

OF HANDLING TRUMP'S FLAG

THIS WEEK NEW YORK'S BAN ON

PLASTIC BAGS WENT INTO EFFECT.

HERE TO COMMENT ON ITS IMPACT IS

MY FRIEND AND PLASTICS EXPERT

BOTTLE BOY

>> HELLO, BOTTLE BOY, YOU'RE A

PLASTICS EXPERT?

>> YES, IT IS MY PASSION AND MY

FASHION.

>> AND YOU COLLECT PLASTIC

BOTTLES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

>> DON'T SELL ME SHORT, COLIN

LAST YEAR BOTTLED WATER MADE

60,000 PENNIES

BUT IT'S TAX FREE.

>> IS IT HURTING YOUR INCOME

NOW?

>>.

>> THIS BAN DOESN'T AFFECT ME,

ALL NEW YORKERS NEED THEIR

PLASTIC.

LET'S SAY YOU'RE WALKING DOWN

33rd STREET WITH YOUR CHIHUAHUA

MIX, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PICK

UP THAT DOO-DOO WITH, AN NPR

TOTE

>> YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S A GOOD

POINT.

WHAT DOES EVERYONE LINE THEIR

BATHROOM TRASH WITH?

A PLASTIC GROCERY BAG.

NOW YOU'RE GOING TO THROW YOUR

WET Q-TIPS INTO A BACKPACK

PUT YOUR TOENAIL BOOMERANGS INTO

A JANZPORT

NEVER.

>> HAVE YOU BROUGHT THIS UP TO

ANYONE

>> YES

I SAID CUOMO EVERY DAY, I GO BUY

ONE BIG PICKLE FROM THE TUB.

WHAT AM I GOING TO CARRY THAT IN

NOW, A MITTEN?

>> I GUESS I DIDN'T CONSIDER HOW

THESE POLICIES IMPACT THE

HOMELESS PEOPLE.

>> I'M NOT OMELESS,I LIVE

RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER FROM

YOU, IN THE FRENCH QUARTER OF

TIMES SQUARE

ALSO KNOWN AS THE BUBBA GUMP

SHRIMP COMPANY

>> YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, THIS

ISN'T ONLY ABOUT YOU

>> WE GET RID OF PLASTICS, THEN

WHAT

WE'RE NOT GIVING THE FISH IN THE

SEA THEIR NECKLACES NO MORE?

>> MR. TURTLE AIN'T GOING TO GET

NO NOSE RING

>> I'M NOT NO LEONARDODY

KAEPERNICK, I'M A BOTTLE BOY

>> AND IF YOUR NAME IS BOTTLE

BOY, WHY ARE YOU HUNG UP ON

PLASTIC BAGS

>> WELL, FIRST THEY COME FOR THE

BAGS, AND THEN THEY COME FOR THE

BOTTLES.

WHAT'S NEXT, NO MORE TOILETS ON

THE SUBWAY

>> YOU KNOW, THERE ARE NO

TOILETS ON THE SUBWAY?

>> THERE ARE IF YOU HAVE A

PLASTIC BAG.

>> BOTTLE BOY, EVERYBODY

>> I VOTED FOR YOU, MR. CUOMO, I

VOTED FOR YOU.

>> NASA ANNOUNCED IT IS LOOKING

FOR PEOPLE FROM DIVERSE

BACKGROUNDS TO BECOME ASTRONAUTS

FOR FUTURE MISSIONS TO MARS.

GOOD LUCK GETTING BLACK PEOPLE

ON A SHIP TO A NEW WORLD

>>> THE PRODUCERS OF THE

UPCOMING JAMES BOND MOVIE

ANNOUNCED THAT BECAUSE OF THE

CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK, THEY'RE

PUSHING THE MOVIE'S RELEASE FROM

APRIL TO NOVEMBER.

THOUGH I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE

STILL RELEASED IN APRIL AND

TAKEN OUT THE NO

>> STUDENTS AT PENN STATE HELD A

CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR A CAMPUS

TACO BELL THAT IS CLOSING.

BECAUSE AFTER YOU EAT TACO BELL,

IT NEVER HURTS TO LIGHT A

CANDLE

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> A NORTH CAROLINA WOMAN

CELEBRATED HER 100th BIRTHDAY BY

ASKING A SHERIFF'S DEPUTY TO

ARREST HER FOR THE FIRST TIME

EVER

AND TAKE HER TO JAIL

NO NEED TO LOOK IT UP, SHE'S

WHITE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>>> DUNKIN' DONUTS ANNOUNCED

THAT EVERY FRIDAY IN MARCH IT

WILL GIVE AWAY A FREE DOUGHNUT

WITH A DRINK PURCHASE.

DUNKIN' DONUTS, YOU CAN'T

DIE-A-BEAT-US.

>>> AND NOW ONCE AGAIN, THE

WEEKEND UPDATE PRESENTS -- THE

WEEKND UPDATE.

>> FEELING GOOD.

♪

>> Announcer: THE WEEKND UPDATE.

>> TWO MEN WERE ARRESTED IN

INDIA TRYING TO SMUGGLE IN WHALE

VOMIT.

OR AS IT'S KNOWN COMMERCIALLY, A

SHAMROCK SHAKE

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT AS PART

OF WILLIAM SHATNER'S DIVORCE

SETTLEMENT FROM HIS EX-WIFE, HE

WILL GAIN CUSTODY OF THE

COUPLE'S SUPPLY OF HORSE SEMEN

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO SPECULATE

ON WHAT HE'S DOING WITH ALL THAT

HORSE SEMEN, BUT DUDE'S ALMOST

90

AND HIS SKIN LOOKS AMAZING

>>> A NEW STUDY CLAIMS THAT

NEGATIVE GENDER STEREOTYPES

KEEPS BOYS FROM READING.

I WAS GOING TO READ MORE ON THIS

STUDY, BUT WHAT AM I, GAY?

>>> RELATIVES OF AN 11-YEAR-OLD

BOY WERE FINED AFTER THEY GOT

FED UP WITH HIM PLAYING GRAND

THEFT AUTO TOO MUCH AND LET HIM

DRIVE A REAL CAR

ALSO FED UP, THE PROSTITUTES HE

TRIED TO RUN OVER.

>> WELL, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON

RIGHT NOW.

AND HERE WITH HER THOUGHTS ON

ALL OF IT IS THE GIRL YOU WISH

YOU HADN'T STARTED A

CONVERSATION WITH AT A PARTY

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>> MICHAEL, IT'S GOOD TO BE

BACK

>> WELL, YEAH, WE HAVEN'T SEEN

YOU IN AWHILE.

THIS WHOLE QDOBA VIRUS HAS

BEEN BLOWN WAY OUT OF ABORTION,

OKAY

IT'S INEXCUSAMAL

IT'S MISRESPECTFUL

I'M SORRY, THE WORLD HEALTH

ORGANIZATION SAID THEY'RE OUT OF

HAND SYNTHESIZERS?

IT'S LIKE, PLAY ANOTHER

INSTRUMENT

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, I'M SORRY, MICHAEL

YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY

MUSOTOMY IN CALLING IT A WO-MAN

VIRUS AND NOT THE MAN VIRUS?

>> NO, I THINK IT'S WUHAN.

WUHAN.

>> WOW, AND YOU'RE DOING THE

VOICE.

>> LET'S DO A SCIENCE

EXPERIMENT

>> OKAY.

OPEN REAL WHITE.

I'M GOING TO PUT MY WHOLE HAND

IN

>> NO.

MICHAEL, YOU NEED TO WAKE UP,

OPEN YOUR EYES, AND YOUR EARS

AND YOUR MOUTH.

SO, I CAN PUT MY HAND IN

>> NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> COLIN WOULD LET ME.

>> YEAH, 'CAUSE I'M A FREAK.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S CHANGE THIS

UP

>> THE WHOLE THING IS RIBBED FOR

NO ONE'S PLEASURE.

IT'S LIKE --

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERYONE'S SOCIALISM NOW

BUT HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR

VUVUZELA

LOUD

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M SORRY I'M NOT JUST FOLLOWING

ALL THE OTHER LEPERS AND JUMPING

OFF A CLIFF.

YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND, MICHAEL,

THERE ARE NEWBORN BABIES WHO

CAN'T EVEN READ OR WRITE

MEANWHILE, IT'S LIKE THE

BRAZILIAN RAINFOREST IS BURNING.

IT'S LIKE, YEAH, IF YOU KEEP

WAXING, IT'S GOING TO BURN

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY, SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK

THE SOLUTION IS?

>> WHY DO WE HAVE A TWO PARTY

SYSTEM

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE ONE PARTY.

AND EVERYONE NOT MISS THE OTHER

ONE.

GIVE EVERYONE HOMO

>> YOU MEAN FOMO

SINDA.

SINDA.

THAT'S MY FRIEND SINDA

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO TO A

JOE BIDEN RALLY LATER AND, LIKE,

TACKLE HIS WIFE.

[ ALERT SOUND

>> WHAT?

>> OH, I JUST MATCHED WITH

MOHAMMAD BIN SALMANARIA.

LISTEN, THE POINT IS, PEOPLE ARE

SICK OF THE HYPOCRISY, MICHAEL

MAYBE STOP WATCHING CABLE NEWS

28/7 AND ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING

>> LIKE WHAT

>> I'VE BEEN FINDING A LOT OF

TIME WITH JOAQUIN PHOENIX

RECENTLY

I WROTE HIS SPEECHES FOR THE

OSCARS, THE GOLDEN GLOBES, AND

THE NAMBLA'S

MAYBE STOP LETTING COWS FLY

PRIVATE PLANES TO PALM SPRINGS

OH AND WHAT, SO JOHN JUNIOR CAN,

LIKE, RUN THE TRUMP COMPANY?

BUT HUMPER BIDEN CAN'T WORK AS A

BARISTA?

THAT'S NECROPHILISM, MICHAEL

>> JUST TELL US ONE PRACTICAL

THING YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DO.

>> I DON'T KNOW, HOW ABOUT STOP

WORRYING ABOUT TOUCHING YOUR

FACE AND START TOUCHING BEHIND

YOUR MOUTH

>> NO.

JUST STOP TOUCHING -

>> EVERYBODY'S, LIKE, SO

SENSITIVE.

IT'S LIKE, WHAT, JUST BECAUSE I

HAVE A HIGH FEVER AND I'M

COUGHING ALL THE TIME, AND I

HAVE DIARRHEAKA, LIKE, THAT'S

MEANS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GO

OUT?

>> YES, YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE

>> FINE, WHAT IF I WEAR A MASK

>> OKAY, THAT'S AT LEAST BETTER.

BUT --

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OH, MY GOD, GIRL AT THE PARTY,

EVERYBODY.

>> DON'T GET ON THIS TOM CRUISE

SHIP

>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M

MICHAEL CHE.

>> I'M COLIN JOST.

GOOD NIGHT

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

>>> EXCUSE ME, MR. JOHNSON,

DANIEL CRAIG IS HERE FOR HIS

SESSION.

>> OKAY.

SEND HIM IN.

>> THEY'RE READY FOR YOU

>> THERE HE IS, THE FUTURE

DETECTIVE, BENOIT BLANK.

YOU REMEMBER OUR CASTING

DIRECTOR.

>> WE'RE SO HAPPY YOU'RE JOINING

THE KNIVES OUT FAMILY.

>> YEAH, WE REALLY SCORED WITH

THIS WHOLE CAST.

>> YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT TO START

SHOOTING OPINION.

>> GREAT, TODAY WE WANT TO FOCUS

ON DEVELOPING YOUR CHARACTER

>> AS YOU KNOW, DETECTIVE BLANK

IS A GENTEEL SOUTHERN SLEUTH,

WE'D LIKE YOU TO DO A SOUTHERN

ACCENT

>> YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

BUT IS IT OKAY IF I BRING IN MY

ACCENT COACH REAL QUICK?

HEY, FRANKIE

COME ON.

>> KNOCK KNOCK

>> HELLO, HELLO.

I'M FRANK HUGHES DANIEL'S ACCENT

COACH.

I HAVE TO SAY, I'M SURE YOU'RE

VERY WELL AWARE ALREADY.

BUT YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE WORKING

WITH DAN

>> YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT A PRO,

FRANK IS A MAGICIAN.

>> SIR, I BLUSH.

WHAT ARE WE COOKING UP TODAY,

GANG

>> YEAH, WE JUST WANT DAN HERE

TO DO A SOUTHERN ACCENT.

>> MY SPECIALTY.

IS THERE A CERTAIN PROVINCE YOU

HAVE IN MIND

>> I GUESS WE DEFAULT TO YOU

>> WHATEVER YOU THINK IS IN

DAN'S RANGE.

>> WHY DON'T WE START IN THE

OZARKS OF ARKANSAS

A BANJO TINKIES IN THE DISTANCE.

AND DETECTIVE BLANK CALLS OUT,

HEY, BOY

SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS MAYBE

WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?

>> THAT COULD BE FUN.

>> NO.

I THINK WE WANT SOMETHING A

LITTLE MORE SUBTLE

>> MY HUSBAND'S FROM ARKANSAS,

AND HE DOESN'T TALK LIKE THAT.

>> OKAY.

WELL, WHY DON'T WE TAKE A TRIP

DOWN TO ALABAMA.

THEY HAVE SOME GOOD TURTLES DOWN

THERE.

YOU BETTER GET ME A FAN BECAUSE

IT'S HOT

MY BUTT IS HOT

OH, LORD MY BUTT IS HOT.

>> DOES THAT WORK FOR YOU?

>> HE CO BE LIKE OH, LORD, BIG

OLD BUTT IS SO DAMN HOT.

>> DAN

>> YEAH, THAT'S INCREDIBLE

>> SHOULD WE GO WITH THAT?

>> YEAH, AGAIN, I DON'T THINK

SO, GUYS

>> MILLION HUGHES, WHERE DID YOU

SAY YOU WERE FROM?

>> MARYLAND.

>> AND HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO THE

SOUTH?

>> NO.

BUT I HAVE STUDY THE REGION,

MAINLY THROUGH CARTOONS,

YOSEMITE SAM, FOG HORN LEG HORN.

>> I'M SORRY, I THINK WE'D

RATHER WORK WITH SOMEONE A

LITTLE MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE.

>> COME ON, YOU HAVE TO GIVE HIM

A CHANCE

MAYBE WE JUST HAVEN'T FOUND IT

YET.

>> YEAH, MAYBE HE'S A DETECTIVE

FROM GEORGIA

IT'S SO HOT.

BOY MY BRITCHES IS WET, ON

ACCOUNT OF MY BIG OLD BUTT IS

WET AND HOT.

>> I REALLY LIKE THAT ONE, YES

CAN YOU TEACH ME THAT?

>> YEAH, YOU JUST WANT TO DROP

YOUR JAW

KEEP IT REAL LOOSE LIKE THIS

OPEN IT UP LIKE THIS

>> IT'S SO HOT

>> OKAY.

I'M SORRY, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE

HOT BUTT TALK?

>> THAT'S WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE

IT'S VERY HOT IN THE SOUTH

>> YEAH, USE YOUR BRAIN.

>> MY BUTT GETS HOT UP NORTH

JUST IMAGINE HOW HOT IT WOULD BE

DOWN SOUTH

>> YOU STEAM YOUR JEANS.

>> EXACTLY, DANIEL

>> LET'S JUST READ SOME LINES

AND LET DANIEL FIND THE VOICE

HIMSELF.

>> OKAY.

>> FRANK, WOULD YOU MIND READING

FOR MARTA, THE SOUTH AMERICAN

NURSE?

>> SURE, SHE'S FROM THE SOUTH OF

AMERICA.

GOT IT

>> LET'S DO IT, AND ACTION

>> AFTER MUCH ANALYSIS OF THE

FACTS.

I'VE COME TO A CONCLUSION OF THE

PERPETRATOR OF THIS HERE MURDER.

>> WELL, NOW, I SAY MR. BLANK, I

DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT

HAPPENED TO THAT MAN THAT DIED

>> I'M SORRY, WHAT DOES IT SAY

HERE

>> MARTHA PUKES.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> COME ON, DUDE

>> WHAT?

IT SAYS IN THE SCRIPT, MARTHA

PUKES.

>> YOU CAN JUST PUKE ON COMMAND?

>> OF COURSE I CAN

I'M AN ACTOR

DANIEL, CAN'T YOU?

>> YES, I CAN.

>> OKAY.

>> COME ON, GUYS

>> HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?

>> COME ON, WE'RE ACTORS

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>>> ONE MORE SETTLEMENT AND

BOOM, THAT'S SEVEN VICTORY

POINTS

MARK IT.

>> OH, MAN

>> I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A

PLEASANT GAME NIGHT WITH MY

WIFE'S WORK FRIENDS, NOT A BLOOD

BATH

>> WELL, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO

YOU, I THINK WE'RE OUT OF GAME

IT'S LATE, WE SHOULD PROBABLY

GET GOING ANYWAYS.

>> OR WE COULD QUOTE

>> WHAT'S THAT

>> WE COULD QUOTE.

LIKE, SAY LINES FROM MOVIES AND

THEN GUESS THEM.

>> OH, YEAH, OKAY.

IS THAT A GAME THAT YOU LIKE

>> YEAH.

IT REALLY IS

>> I JUST CALLED A LYFT HOME

>> THEN CANCEL IT, BECAUSE IT

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO QUOTE.

>> OKAY.

I COULD START.

YOU'RE A WIZARD, HARRY

>> HARRY POTTER AND THE

SOURCER'S STONE.

>> SHE'S RIGHT

>> COOL, AND NOW I GET TO GO

BECAUSE I GOT THAT ONE

OH, OKAY, I NEED TWO NEW SUITS

OFF THE RACK, ONE LIGHT AND ONE

DARK

>> NO CLUE

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I KNOW THIS.

IT'S THE -

THE AVIATOR.

>> OH, DAMN IT

THAT WAS TOO EASY.

>> EASY?

IT SOUNDED VAGUE AS HELL

>> WOW

YOU KNOW YOUR QUOTES

>> YEAH, I DO, ACTUALLY.

>> BIG D ENERGY OVER THERE

>> YEAH.

>> LOUIS, WHAT WAS THAT?

>> IT'S MY TURN, HERE WE GO.

THANKS FOR WALKING HIM

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M NOT

FEELING SO WELL.

>> AS GOOD AS IT GETS.

>> WHAT, YOU'RE KILLING ME

>> WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DO

THAT

>> WHAT, DEEP QUOTE?

>> YEAH.

>> MAYBE BECAUSE I SPEND A LOT

OF TIME WATCHING MOVIES ALL THE

TIME

>> SO YOU'RE A LITTLE QUOTE

QUEEN?

>> YOU COULD SAY THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE A SLICK

DADDY?

ONLY THE BIGGEST FLICK DADDY

THAT YOU'LL EVER MEET IN YOUR

WHOLE LIFE

>> HOW, YOU HAVE A JOB

>> NO, I DON'T

I WAS FIRED SIX MONTHS AGO

>> EXCUSE ME

>> YOU'RE EXCUSED.

>> WHO'S NEXT?

>> YEAH, MAYBE LET'S STICK TO

MORE WELL KNOWN QUOTES.

>> SORRY, BUT THERE'S NO RULE

AGAINST DEEP QUOTING

>> NO, NO, SHE'S RIGHT

IT'S NOT A GAME IF YOU DON'T

DEEP QUOTE

>> LOUIS, DEEP QUOTE

>> YEAH, DEEP QUOTE.

>> WHOA, THE BUZZ THING STOPS

RIGHT NOW.

>> OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

MY TURN.

I GUESS I'LL PICK AN EASY ONE,

OKAY

HEY, HI, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE

HERE

>> OH, I GOT IT.

SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEONE ELSE,

SOMEONE ELSE

>> THERE'S NOT A TON OF

IDENTIFYING INFORMATION IN

THERE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU QUOTING?

>> IT'S EASY

BAILEY THE LORD.

KEEP TALKING, MORON.

OKAY, I DON'T LIKE THAT.

>> MAKE LET'S PLAY THIS ANOTHER

TIME

>> WHAT, NO.

WE'RE TIED 2-2

I'M NOT ABOUT TO LAY DOWN AND

LET LISA'S HOT HUSBAND RAIL ME

NO

>> HOT HUSBAND RAIL YOU?

>> YEAH, COME ON, QUOTE OFF, YOU

AND ME

>> OKAY, LET'S GO, LITTLE GIRL

>> OKAY.

WHAT MADE YOU PICK ME?

>> CAPTAIN PHILLIPS.

>> OH, DAMN IT

GO

>> WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

>> CAPTAIN PHILLIPS.

TRYING TO TRICK ME

OKAY, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE

IT'S OKAY?

>> CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, YOU SNEAKY

BITCH.

>> STOP QUOTING CAPTAIN

PHILLIPS

>> OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

GOOD TO OWN A BOURGEOIS.

>> GOOD TO OWN A BOURGEOIS

THEY ARE RICH.

>> PARASITE.

>> OH, COME ON

>> Y'ALL KNOW KOREAN NOW

>> OKAY, FINAL ROUND

SUDDEN DEATH, NO WORDS

ACTS OUT ONLY.

>> OKAY.

I'LL START

>> UP IN THE AIR

>> AH, DAMN IN

>> MY TURN

[ COUGHING ]

>> PHILADELPHIA.

GET OUT OF THE HANKS BANK.

>> OKAY, YOU'RE UP

I GOT IT

>> WHOA!

>> THE NOTEBOOK.

I KNEW IT WAS GOSLING FROM YOUR

TONGUE

>> ENOUGH OF THIS.

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

>> BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN

>> GET THE HELL OUT.

>> ONCE AGAIN, THE WEEKEND

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

♪

♪ WHEN I SAW THE SIGN

I SHOULD HAVE LET YOU GO

BUT I KEPT YOU BESIDE ME

AND IF I HELD YOU BACK ♪

♪ AT LEAST I HELD YOU CLOSE

SHOULD HAVE KNOW

YOU WERE LONEL

I KNOW THINGS WILL ♪

♪ NEVER BE THE SAME

TIME WE LOST WIL

NEVER BE AGAIN

I'M THE REASON ♪

♪ YOU FORGOT TO LOV

SO DON'T

BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAI

SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN ♪

♪ NO DON'

BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAI

SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN

YOU ALWAYS MISSED THE ♪

♪ CHANCE TO FAL

FOR SOMEONE ELSE

'CAUSE YOUR HEAR

ONLY KNOWS ME ♪

♪ THEY TRY TO WIN YOUR LOVE

THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT

THEY JUST MADE

YOU FEEL LONELY ♪

♪ WELL I AM NOT

THE MAN I USED TO BE

DID SOME THINGS

COULDN'T LET YOU SEE ♪

♪ REFUSED TO BE THE ONE

WHO TAKES YOUR HEART

SO DON'T

BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN ♪

♪ SCARED TO LIVE AGAI

NO DON'T

SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN BAB

SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN ♪

♪ I BE PRAYING THAT

YOU FIND YOURSEL

WE FELL APAR

RIGHT FROM THE START ♪

♪ I SHOULD HAVE MAD

YOU MY ONL

WHEN IT'S SAID AND DON

OH ♪

♪ SO DON'

BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAI

SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN

NO DON'T ♪

♪ BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN

SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN PRAYING

THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF ♪

♪ WE FELL APART

RIGHT FROM THE START ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪ MY FAMILY'S ALL ASLEE

SO I WON'T MAKE A PEEP

I'LL COOK ALL NIGH

MY MOST DELICIOUS RECIPE ♪

♪ I STILL HAV

QUITE A SURPRISE

IN THE MORNING

WHEN THEY RISE ♪

♪ THEY'LL TAKE A BIG BITE

OF MY OVERNIGHT SALA

IT'S NOT EASY TO MAKE ♪

♪ LOTS OF INGREDIENTS

IT TAKES

BUT IT'S WORTH IT TO SERVE

MY OVERNIGHT SALAD ♪

♪ TAKE A LITTLE BIT

OF LETTUCE

SPRINKLE IN SOME CHEES

A LITTLE SCOSCHE OF LEMON ♪

♪ AND A GALLON OF MAY

SO MANY RAISINS AN INSAN

AMOUNT OF PEPPER ♪

♪ NOW YOU'RE MAKING A SALAD

54 HOT DOG

LOOK WHO'S BACK IT'S MAY

DON'T SKIMP ON THE FRITOS ♪

♪ AND ROOT BEER

THE CROUTONS AND COOKIES

ADD THE PIZZA TO

OF COURSE ♪

♪ THEN I LET IT SIT

ALL NIGHT ON THE

RADIATOR ♪

♪ IN THE MORNIN

WHEN THEY RISE

MY DAUGHTER'S EYES

FILLED WITH PRIDE ♪

♪ WHEN THEY TAKE A BIG BITE

OF MY OVERNIGHT SALAD ♪

♪ THE ULTIMATE PRIZ

MY HUSBAND

KING OF THE GUYS ♪

♪ WHICH HE CHOMPS INT

FOR MY OVERNIGHT SALAD

IT'S ALL OVER THEIR FACE

MY FAMILY LOVES THE --

>> OH, MY GOD, THIS TASTES LIKE

[ BLEEP ].

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE

A SALAD.

>> IT'S MY OVERNIGHT SALAD

>> MAYONNAISE AND LETTUCE LEFT

OUT ALL NIGHT?

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

>> THINKING YOU WOULD BE KING OF

THE GUYS

>> NO, NO, YOU NEED HELP,

NADINE

>> MOMMY, BAXTER'S NOT MOVING.

>> I GAVE HIM A BITE OF MY

OVERNIGHT SALAD.

>> ARE YOU HAPPY, NADINE

YOU KILLED THE [ BLEEP ] DOG

ARE YOU STUPID

YOUR BRAIN IS SICK

>> MAYBE, DOES IT NEEDS A BIG

SCOOP OF MAYO?

>> THERE'S A QUARTER IN MY

SALAD.

♪ WELL THE QUARTE

IS THE THING ♪

>> NO, NADINE, NO.

JUST STOP.

COME ON, GIRLS, LET'S GO

COME ON.

>> I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO

EAT THIS ALL MYSELF.

♪

♪ OVERNIGHT SALAD

[ BELL TOLLS ]

>>> THANKS TO THE WEEKND, DARREL

HAMMOND, TO SENATOR ELIZABETH

WARREN

SO THE AMAZING CAST AND ALL THE

CREW

I'M DANIEL CRAIG, THIS HAS BEEN

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, THANK YOU

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT