Original subtitles

dd dd Oh, the old oaken bucket

dd Bucket dd dd The iron-bound bucket dd

d dd Oh, bucket dd dd The moss-covered bucket d

George. George! dd That hangs in the well dd

I think it was pretty mean of you to drag us out and leave all our guests flat.

Oh, you didn't drag us out? Well, I didn't invite them. dddd

You didn't even know them? Well, they've only been there for three days.

George. George!

Wait a minute. I'll be back in a minute, honey. What do you want?

What time is it? Huh?

I said, where we going? That isn't what you said before.

dd Oh, we're going to Wall Street to see Old Man Topper dd

dd dd Iron-bound Topper dd dd That moss-covered Topper

dd That I promised to meet him at his bank for the annual meeting dd

dd dd Of the board of directors at 10:30 in the morning dd

Too many words, honey. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Well, let's see. It's 10:00 now. Yep.

And it takes a half an hour to drive in. Yep.

And the meeting's at 10:30 in the morning. Mm-hmm.

That leaves 12 hours for-

for a night of complete rest.

Yes!

dddd

Mm-hmm. So this is how one starts getting a night's rest?

My pet, resting is the sort of thing you've gotta work up to gradually.

Oh, excuse me.

It's very dangerous to rest all of a sudden. Come on, darling.

Mr. Kerby is here. Hurry. Yes, sir.

Good evening, Mrs. Kerby. Hello, Joe.

We have a nice big size table for you. Over there.

Hi, Mac. Hello, George.

How are you, George?

Thank you, Harry. Good evening, Mrs. Kerby.

Hello, George.

dddd

Come on. The music's swell. What?

I said, "The music's swell!" Can't hear you, but that's good music.

That's what I said.

May I cut in?

dddd

Is this the way in? Looks like it.

Well, how do we get out? Honey, you slide in and they carry you out.

Oh, no.

Where I go, you go. No, hey, wait for me.

Hup!

Don't forget to write.

Gentle George.

Deceitful George.

Yeah!

dd Old Man Moon wake up now dd Quiet!

dd 'Cause I've fallen in love dd

dd Go spread the news to all the stars dd

dd Above dd

dd Shine for my baby while we're dancing dd

dd Tonight dd

dd And fill her tender eyes with love dd

dd And dynamite dd Yeah.

Yeah, and look at the time. Look at the time. dd Old Man Moon puts stardust dd

dd In a bottle of wine dd

dd Just do your darnedest to make sure dd

dd That she'll be mine dd Please, Mr. Kerby.

dd And if it's possible to keep shining till noon dd Bring your party home, please.

dd My sincerest thanks to you, sir dd

dd Old Man Moon dd

Look, Mr. Kerby, you are my best customer.

And I appreciate that. Maybe you got no home.

Maybe you don't need sleep. But me, I have a home...

and I need to have-a some sleep!

All right, Tony. Just one more chorus.

You're telling me the same story for the last hour.

I get-a sick and tired of hearing that song over and over again!

dd With love or dynamite dd

dd Old Man Moon keeps stardust in a bottle of wine dd

dd Just do your darnedest to make sure dd

d Yes, good night! dd That she'll be mine d

Maybe the poor man's tired.

I don't know why he should be tired. We did all the singing.

dd And if it's possible to keep shining till noon dd

dd My sincerest thanks to you, sir dd

dd Old Man Moon dd dddd

dd Old Man Moon Old Man Moon dddd

Good night, buddy! So long. See you next time.

Come on. Enough of it.

dd Old Man Moon Old Man Moon dd

dd Old Man Moon dd dd Old Man Moon dd

dd Oh, Old Man Moon dd

dd My sincerest thanks to you, sir dd dd Old Man Moon dd

Get in, honey. You get in, darling.

dd Oh, Old Man Moon dd Ah, Jimmy. Did we keep you waiting long?

Oh, that's all right. dd My sincerest thanks to you, sir dd

dd Old Man Moon dd Wilson!

dd dd Old Man Wilson Old Man Wilson dd

Old Man Wilson, that squares us up for the whole week. Right, Mr. Kerby.

dddd

dd My sincerest thanks to you, sir dd

dd Old Man Moon dddd

Hey, George, is this 10:30 in the morning?

No, this is Topper's bank. Oh.

Honey, do me a favor. What?

Shut my eyes.

I'll shut your mouth.

Good night, my pet. Good night.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, hello. You going to a costume ball?

What do you think this is, an auto camp? Crosspatch, crosspatch.

Get out of here. You can't sleep here. I'm not sleeping.

Talk to him about it. He seems to be doing it all.

Oh, hush, Marion. Who have you dug up now?

I didn't dig him up. He dug us up. Make him go away.

I can't. It's a C-O-P. C- O-P? Oh!

Tell him we don't want any. Hey, hey, hey!

Flies. Get out of here. Now you can't sleep here.

Uh, we're not sleeping. We're waiting. Waitin' for what?

For-For- For the annual meeting of the board of directors of that there bank.

Oh, darn. There's nobody in there.

Maybe they're late. Maybe they're late.

You see, you can't argue with him. I can't, eh?

Now I wanna tell you something - See what you can do with this instead.

Well, of all the- Oh!

Temper.

It's three minutes after 8:00, sir.

Oh, all right, Wilkins.

Do you realize that most men don't get chased out of the water like trained seals?

Most men can dawdle in their shower. You are not most men, sir.

Why can't I be most men? Because you are Mr. Topper, sir.

And Mrs. Topper insists. It's four minutes past.

We dress now. We dress now, yeah.

Good morning, Clara.

Good morning, dear. You're late.

Oh, better late than never.

Only 44 seconds anyhow.

Can't that fella wait until I tell him what I want?

Because you always have the same thing.

Supposing one morning I were to take a notion to battle a trout...

or some oatmeal or something?

Where would we be then? Don't be silly.

I've taken great pains to arrange your diet properly.

You need sulphur, and eggs have sulphur.

Don't dally, dear.

James tells me you had to run for the train yesterday.

I did. I ran fast too. I caught the very last step.

The very last step? Outrageous.

What is outrageous about running for a train, dear? Lots of men do it.

Yes, clerks and bookkeepers who come to the depot in a bus to catch the 7:45.

But for the president of the bank to arrive in a limousine...

to take the banker's special, and then to run all over the platform like a silly chicken.

I didn't run like a silly chicken. I ran beautifully.

Besides, you know how you puff when you run.

Of course I puff. Everybody puffs. You puff yourself, Clara.

I remember that day - Cosmo, please. Don't be vulgar.

Sorry, dear. And I don't care if you are well-preserved for your age.

You look anything but dignified when you run.

And I won't have you climbing aboard the banker's special all out of breath.

8:42, sir.

Good-bye, dear. Bye.

Don't run, dear.

It's 8:45, Mr. Topper.

Morning, Mr. Topper. Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Topper. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

You know, it is a good morning too, isn't it?

I haven't enjoyed it though. Don't you feel all right?

I don't feel all right. I feel a million years old. You, old?

Why, you'll never grow old, Mr. Topper. No?

I think you grow younger every year.

I'd rather grow younger every day. Anything special this morning?

No, but Mrs. Topper phoned me to be sure that you go to lunch promptly at 12:00.

Did she tell you what I was to eat? It's all right, I'll remember.

The directors are all waiting in the board room. All of them?

All except Mr. Kerby. He promised me faithfully-

He's not here. I phoned his penthouse and their Long Island place.

Neither of them had been home all night. I suppose not.

We'll probably have to get a detective to... locate him the way we did last year.

If he should turn up, ask him please to come in and sign the minutes at least.

My word! Fine place to sleep, isn't it?

Gentlemen, we will as usual conduct our annual meeting...

without the presence of our largest stockholder, Mr. Kerby.

Weather clear, track fast!

I made it!

The meeting will please come to order.

Very gratifying to have you with us, Mr. Kerby.

I will read the annual statement that is ready for publication...

if approved by this board... and you, Mr. Kerby.

Okay, shoot.

Shoot, huh? "Cash on hand in federal reserve bank...

and due from banks and bankers: $660,220,262...

and 99 cents.

Bullion abroad and in transit: $13,202,854 and no cents.

- No cents. - I just said that, Mr. Kerby.

So did I.

Yes. To continue.

Acceptances: $47,501,324and 36 cents.

Less own acceptances held for investments:

$7,986,449 and 39 cents.

Which totals for $39,514,874 and 97 cents.

Just goes to sleep from going to those wild parties.

Then you come here to sleep.

Just hold the car, please. I'll be back in a couple of days.

Get a load of the fur-bearing blond.

Good morning, Mrs. Kerby. Good morning.

If you're looking for your husband - I know where he is.

In there dummying up the directors' meeting.

But if you happen to see him looking for someone, remind him that it's me, will you?

And tell him where I am.

Oh, my goodness. She's gone into his private office.

Lobbies and endorsements and acceptances and foreign bills:

$3,014,142 and no cents.

Deposits:

$1,709,643,127 and 39 cents.

Liabilities and endorsements... dddd

and outstanding checks:

35,166,883 and 36 cents.

dddd Total:

1,744,910,010 and 75 cents.

dd The old oaken bucket dd Yeah!

dd The iron-bound bucket dd

Balance:

$2,086,978,810 and 17 cents. dddd

Now, if you gentlemen will agree this report is satisfactory for publication-

- It can't be done! - I beg your pardon. I don't understand why.

Look, try it.

You try writing your name upside down and backwards without stopping.

Here.

I move we adjourn.

I second the motion. Aye.

Carried. Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I have a great deal of business...

that I wish to attend to at once.

Whew!

Moss-covered bucket!

Write your name backwards. It can't be done.

No sense. George Kerby's a nitwit if ever I saw one. Confound him.

Psst! Don't psst at me.

Go ahead and psst at him.

I think it's cute. Why, I-I didn't know you were here.

Oh, don't apologize.

If you're confounding George, I think you're absolutely right.

But you only have to put up with him once a year. Think of me. I have to live with him.

I like it so, but - Please don't misunderstand. I like George.

I- I'm very fond of him. And he's fond of you too.

In fact, we both are.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, please, no.

Uh, uh, that'll be all, Miss Johnson.

You know, Topper, you were awfully silly not to come to our anniversary party.

It was a swell one. Laughter for days.

In fact, I think it's- it might be still going on.

I bet it was fun, yeah.

But-But Mrs. - Mrs. Topper... doesn't approve.

She- We had another engagement.

You understand, don't you? Yes, I'm afraid I do.

Why don't you stop being a mummy for a few minutes and come to life?

There's nothing wrong in being a mummy if you had any fun in getting that way-

But I- I didn't, you see.

No, I can tell that by the way you're staring at my knees.

Why, I-I never stared at a knee in my life.

That's probably just what's wrong with you.

Of course, I... I suppose I do envy the way you and George do things.

But it would never do for me, for a man in my position.

Then as Mrs. Topper says- Ah, as Mrs. Topper says.

That's the situation and the box it came in.

Oh. Oh.

Hello, honey. Never mind. I found her. She's running the bank.

Huh? George, look.

What's the matter with him? He's old enough to know what's the matter with him.

Liabilities, no cents, assets.

Topper, I know just the thing for the two of us. Where is it?

But something's biting the man, eating him from the inside. Maybe termites.

What sort of a woman is Mrs. Topper? Don't tell me. I'll guess.

Is she the horsey type? No.

The tennis type? No. I know. She's the kin type.

Arranges your diets, fixes your clothes, tells you what you'll eat and where you'll go.

Well, to a certain extent, yes. Where do you keep it?

Keep what? The bottle. Don't tell me there isn't a bottle here?

Of course there isn't a bottle. This is a business office.

Business is all right, but don't you think that's carrying business too far?

Come on. Let's roll. I don't wanna leave Topper.

Somehow I feel if I could pull him apart, I could put him together...

and he'd work much better. Catch.

Topper, take my advice. Don't let her make a guinea pig out of you.

You'll never be the same again. So long.

Hmm. Mrs. Kerby's handkerchief.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm ready, Mr. Topper. Hmm. Yes, yes.

H. Greg & Company, 80 Milk Street, Boston, Mass.

Dear sir. Yours is the ninth received and-

Fascinating woman, Marion Kerby, isn't she?

She reminds me of an Easter egg I had as a small boy.

- An Easter egg? - Mm-hmm.

Those frosty ones, you know, with a peephole in it. You looked through and saw an angel.

I wonder why Marion Kerby reminds me of an angel.

Uh, yes, where were we?

Maybe we'd better start over.

The angel was a blond too.

You're driving us crazy way out here. I mean, you're crazy to drive us way out here.

We could be at the apartment sleeping our ears off.

The apartment's too close to that bank. It's in the same city.

Why do you pick on the bank? It doesn't pick on you.

That stuffed egg that runs it does. Stuffed eggs, I love 'em.

You never know what's in 'em till you take a bite.

Take a bite out of Topper for me once and crack your teeth.

Why do you love him so? 'Cause he bores me stiff. He's like a successful sheep.

Don't say that. Topper has very interesting possibilities, maybe.

Well, so does a sheep. It can be chopped or hash or soup.

Hash, Topper. That fits, doesn't it, George?

Offhand, I'd say, what are you talking about? Hash, Topper.

You know, all mixed up. All he needs is straightening out, and I can do it.

Yes. The last time you tried straightening a guy out, you cost me ten grand.

Not this time. The foot's down.

If you ask me, I'd say it was down too far.

I nearly skinned my eyebrows on the trees that time.

My pet, if you were driving the car, there wouldn't be any trees.

You'd have plowed 'em up. You remember what happened to the last car we had?

Sure. You drove it into a meat market. No, the one before that.

Well, I can't remember that far back. George, look out.

What? There's something in my eye. Something in your eye?

Be careful! Look out! You'll never make it, George!

Oh, boy.

I guess I'll never hear the last of this.

Oh, look at my car.

Look at my hat.

And I got a run in my stockings.

Look at that.

I told you to slow up. Would you? Oh, no.

Can I help it if a tire blows out? Besides, I had something in my eye.

Couldn't have been your driving, could it?

I've come around that curb much faster lots of times. So have you.

It was such a lovely car too.

Oh, George! Hmm?

You're getting transparent. You're fading.

Say, that's funny. I can see through you too.

Say, who's that?

That's us. You know something, George?

I think we're dead.

I think you're right.

It's funny, I don't feel any different.

No, neither do I.

Now I wonder what happens.

I don't know.

I suppose pretty soon we'll hear trumpets, and then off we go.

I hope we go together, honey. So do I.

No trumpets.

No, no trumpets.

Marion,

what do you suppose is the conventional thing to do now?

I don't know.

We've never been conventional.

I think we tell someone our good deeds,

and then they open up the beautiful gates and let us through.

Yes, but what good deeds have you done?

Oh, dozens. Name one.

Well, I've, uh-

Mm-hmm. I've, uh-

Hey, what good deeds have you done?

Well, I-

At least we haven't done any bad ones, honey.

Yes, but that's not enough, and-

and I'm afraid it's too late now.

Yes.

And I'm afraid that for once in our, uh-

Well, for once, we're stuck.

George, maybe not. Hmm?

Maybe if we could do a good deed now, and-

Oh, George! You're fading.

Didn't you think the lamb was especially good? Yes, of course it was good.

Why must we always have lamb on Sundays? You like lamb, don't you?

Yes, I like it, but couldn't we have it on some other day? Say Tuesday or Thursday.

We have beef on Tuesday and boiled vegetables on Thursday.

Oh, sparrows!

Why do you use that silly word?

Because you won't let me swear like a gentleman.

Cosmo, what has come over you lately?

You've been acting so strange and moody.

- Not at all like your usual self. - I don't know.

Ever since the Kerby tragedy, I've been thinking.

Clara, life is so very short, and we get so very little out of it.

Don't you realize, we're middle age?

But why should we be middle age?

After all, we're not so very much older than the Kerbys were.

And look how carefree they were, how full of life.

I can hardly realize they've gone.

Poor George.

Poor Marion.

Poor Marion? Mmm.

Of course, I never saw her, but from what I've heard of her,

she never thought of anything in her whole life...

except how to paint her pretty face and wag her figure about.

Oh, yes, she did. She used to think about me.

Oh, don't be foolish.

I shudder to think what kind of a ninny you'd make if you didn't have me to stop you.

There's a man outside, sir.

He wishes to see you about a - a contraption he's brought with him.

Oh, yes.

Well, here she is, Mr. Topper.

Just as good as the day she was bought.

I've got a list of the things I've done to her.

Mm-hmm. Now, you see here,

I put in a brand-new front axle.

No use trying to repair them things.

Well, she's something, isn't it?

How much you think we could sell it for?

Well, it's pretty hard to tell, Mr. Topper.

It ain't like trying to sell just any car.

You gotta find the right party. You mean, someone who hasn't heard of the wreck.

Yeah, that too. Some people are superstitious.

I mean, somebody who will fit it, kind of. What do you mean, "fit it"?

Well, like, uh - Well, take yourself. You could never own a car like this.

No, I suppose not.

Why couldn't I?

Well, uh,

for one thing, the missus, she don't care for anything flashy, does she?

Mrs. Topper runs the household, and very efficiently too.

But when it comes to buying cars-

Of course I never wanted to buy a car like this, but...

if I did want to buy a car like this, I'd, uh-

I'd buy a car like this.

How do I look? Oh, you look swell, Mr. Topper.

You bet I do. I fit it too.

Fit it just like a kid glove, you know.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Cosmo!

What are you doing in that horrible contrap - that horrible thing?

Sitting in it, dear. Just sitting.

Just sitting? You look like a whatnot.

As a matter of fact, I- I'm thinking of buying it.

Buying it? Buying that-that circus wagon?

Well, of all the absurd- Cosmo, you must be dithering.

I thought it'd be fun to drive my own car - weekends, anyways.

Of course, I suppose you're old enough to know your own mind, but-

Clara, we used to play together once, and we could again.

We could - We could drive up to Lake Placid, just you and I.

Stop at a roadhouse, and dinner and dance-

You're asking me to drive in a car that looks like a painted Jezebel?

And drive in it to a roadhouse?

Why, it would be like going to the opera in my nightgown.

Painted Jezebel, eh? So I'm a ditherer.

Well, I'm jolly well gonna dither then.

Would you mind getting off my wife's lap?

Who said that?

Olley, olley, oxen free.

Stop it. My nerves are jumpy enough already.

Where are you?

Hey, get off my foot.

Who are you? Where are you?

I'm in no mood for this sort of thing.

Come out in the open where I can see you.

dd Toppy doesn't know us Toppy doesn't know us dddd

Mrs. Kerby, may I present Mr. Topper.

How do you do, Mr. Topper? How-How-How do you do?

And this is Mr. Kerby, Mr. Topper.

Uh, how-how do you-

George and Marion Kerby? Why-

It can't be.

It- It mustn't be.

It is.

Oh, dear, dear. Topper's fainted. Get some water, Marion.

Water.

Come on, Topper.

Oh, that's fine. You're a great help.

My hat!

Oh, no, no, it can't be. It- No, no, no-

I'm gonna get in my car and drive home.

No, Topper. Sit down, Topper.

You can't get in your car and drive home because you've got a flat tire.

Besides, it isn't your car. It's ours.

I'll walk. You can have the car. Mrs. Topper doesn't like the horrible thing anyway.

George, did you hear that? Mrs. Topper doesn't like the car.

Our good deed. Let's get to work on him. What do you mean?

Never mind. Why doesn't Mrs. Topper like the car? She just plain doesn't like it.

She often just plain doesn't like things. What kind of talk is that?

She just plain doesn't like things.

I refuse to say another word. I'm probably talking to myself anyway.

Well, like that. We find you fainting all over the place.

We nurse you back to health, and still you're complaining. I want to go home!

No, Topper, you can't go home. Besides, George has to change the tire.

And he's very good at it too. Go ahead, honey.

All right, I'll change the tire.

But I'll be darned if I'm gonna waste any ectoplasm doing it.

You see, Toppy, we only have a certain amount of ectoplasm to use to get visible.

Naturally, we can't waste it, can we? Of course not, no.

No, I- I wish someone would wake me up.

Now, now, Toppy, I won't bite you.

Let's sit over there by the tree and be comfortable.

We might as well be comfortable while George works, don't you think so? Come on.

Come on.

You sit there and I'll relax here.

You know, Toppy, you're a funny little fellow.

You intrigue me. Why did you happen to buy our car?

- I bought it because I was mad. Who at?

- Never mind. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

- Toppy had a fight with Mrs. Toppy. - I did not!

Come on. Tell the girlfriend all about it.

- What girlfriend? - Yours. Me.

Say, you don't mind if I save my energy and just become nothing for a while, do you?

I don't suppose I do. I don't know what you're talking about.

Dematerializing. Watch. It works like a zipper.

Zip!

Marion! Marion, where are you?

Right here. What? Oh.

Well, make a noise every now and then, will you,

so that I'll know where I'm talking to?

Okay, I'll do this. Yes, fine.

Now, go on. Tell me about buying the car.

Oh, well, I- I just decided I'd buy it, you know.

I had an awful time with it at first, because I was going along...

and then a great big truck came along and chased me off the road.

And then I was just getting over that when a huge bus came along...

and-and chased me off the side of the hill like-

Hey, watch out! Oh, I beg your pardon.

Well, then- then I was going along...

peacefully, you know, and suddenly-

bam- I was slapped by a-

Just explaining something to a friend of mine.

Is it my fault that there's no one here?

Quiet.

dd The iron-bound bucket dd

dd The moss-covered bucket dd

dd That hangs in the well dd

dddd

Hey, Marion!

Come out, come out, wherever you are. I've got an idea.

When George has an idea, it is, generally speaking, an idea.

Bring Topper along. We'll go places. I don't want to go places.

I've been to places, lots of places. Really, I have.

Oh, but not with us. It's different when you go places with us.

Bring him along, Marion! We gotta have him. He's our good deed.

Come on, Toppy.

You drive, George. I'll sit in the middle. Come on, Topper. Get in.

Don't you think I better drive? It'd look so crazy to other people if you drive.

Now, come on. Don't be a mess. Get in.

Close your door, Topper.

Look out!

What's the matter with you? There was no one driving that car.

Oh, you're crazy. I'm not crazy. I know what I saw.

The car was driving itself. If you ask me, so was this one.

All right, I'll prove it for you. Well, you'll have to!

I wish you'd stop this nonsense and let yourselves be seen,

or- or let me drive. Okay.

Slide over.

Now what have you got to say?

I know when I'm licked.

Where am I taking you?

You're not taking us. We're taking you.

Marion, it's bad enough just being in the car with you two the way you are.

Well, the way you aren't. Where are we going?

Unless you rented it to someone, we're going to our penthouse.

Heavens! No, I haven't rented it.

And we can have a drink. George hasn't had a drink in days.

He looks much better than he used to, don't you think?

How in heaven's name should I know? Hey, stop pushing.

Don't push me!

I didn't push you. And if I did push you, what of it?

Oh, a wise guy, huh?

Like those crazy Kerbys.

Crazy Kerbys, huh?

Wise guy, eh?

I wish you'd do something about yourselves.

You have no idea how annoying it is to be out with someone and you don't know where they are.

Okay, my friend, anything to oblige.

Here we are, Topper. The Kerby Kennel. Barking, howling and biting permissible.

Come in.

Where's Marion? Gone to her room, I guess. You know how women are.

When they get home, they like to change clothes, mess around, blither, blither.

You drink? I did once, but it wasn't much fun.

Nobody noticed it. It made me dizzy and I had to keep one eye shut.

Oh, well, you had the floats.

I like 'em. Make you feel nice and goofy.

Maybe I do need a drink. Maybe I've needed a drink all these years and haven't known it.

There we are. Hold it.

Topper, my pet. Thank you.

Mmm! My wife objects to drinking.

Then she shouldn't drink. She doesn't.

- Then what's her objections? - If my wife were to walk in here right now,

I'd have to speak to her very sharply in order to keep her from making a row.

Speak to her? Yes, I've - I've never beaten her.

Not yet, I haven't.

Oh.

Open the other bottle.

Crazy Kerbys, eh?

Plush pup!

Thanks, George. Mm-hmm.

Do- Do you feel like dancing?

Do I feel like what? Oh.

You know what I mean. Dancing and singing and - Say that again.

Well, George, dancing, singing.

dd Tra-la-la, tra-la-la With a hey, nonny-nonny and a whoo- dddd

Relax, Topper, relax. Take a drink. Stop fidgeting.

Oh.

Do you mind if I just sat here and sort of sneak a little dance...

with my feet?

Cut it out. Cut it out, will ya?

What if I just sat quietly here and-and felt like dancing?

That'd be all right, wouldn't it?

Look, what is this dancing complex?

Look here,

would you mind if I just got up and danced...

a roundabout... on my tiptoes?

All right-

All right, if you must. Go ahead, but take it easy.

dddd

Toppy, I think you got something there. Hit it. Truck on down, Toppy.

Now that's how I dance. How do you like it?

Yes, I thought that was pretty bad.

I'm glad you like my dancing, George.

I think I could learn how to live after all, you know.

I can drink, all right.

And I can dance fine.

Now, about singing, hmm. Let's sing a little, huh?

Yes, that's a good idea. Let's sing.

Uh-huh.

Oh, there she is, George.

Where?

Topper, you look like an owl.

Come here, George. Huh?

I'm afraid I must ask you to request your wife not to talk about me anymore.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Use your influence.

If you haven't any, beat her.

Come on down, Marion.

All right.

Alley! Oop.

dd Ta-rah dddd

Topper, you did that on purpose. Nice going.

I'm dreadfully sorry. I forgive you, Topper.

Nice forgiving too.

Can we dance now? Why, certainly. That's what I got off my perch for.

dd Oh, the moss-covered- dd

d dd Hangs in the well ddd

It's a fine thing, trying to steal my wife, eh?

Why, I wouldn't think of such a thing, I - I don't think.

Ah, Topper, I'm disappointed in you.

Say, if I'm in the way, you folks can leave. Oh, not at all.

Mighty nice of you to let me stay around. What's biting you?

You're not getting jealous, are you?

N- No. No, just getting careful.

Say, listen. What?

All I'm trying to do is to complete our little experiment.

Yes, well, I don't know if I like it. Well, that's too bad.

Grab a look at your little experiment now.

We're not really being very fair to him.

I don't think he knows how to drink.

But he only had a couple glasses of wine.

But I don't think he's ever had a drink in his life.

Poor Topper. Poor Topper.

Poor Topper. You keep out of this.

Say, George, you know something? What?

I think fate sent him to us. I think we ought to send him right back.

Oh, no. He looks like our last chance at a good deed.

That's how he looks to you. Well, look at him.

His whole soul is crying out for self-expression.

Is that so?

Is that the way a soul looks when it's crying out for self-expression?

Maybe. Maybe Topper's soul. Anyway, all he needs is a little encouragement from us.

If you really wanna do him a good deed, get him some bromo while I go change my clothes.

Hold down the fort, honey, while I dissolve into a suit.

George, where is it? Huh? Where's what?

Where? Where what?

The bromo, you know.

Well, then give him some.

Then he'll just have to have aspirin instead.

Oh, never mind. Let it go. I'll be down in a minute.

Hmm, it moved. We're fresh out of bromo.

Then put on your bonnet. We'll go down to the drugstore and get him some.

Come on, Topper. Mm-hmm.

Dear, dear. Marion, come and hold him here while I get my hat.

All right.

Oh, George, quick!

Trying to get away, huh?

Come on, Topper. Don't drop him or he'll splash.

Now, now, Toppy, relax, relax. Take it easy.

There he goes again. Upsa-daisy, Toppy.

Say, George. We can't go down the lobby like this.

We'll cause a riot. Fade. Okay.

Don't teeter, Topper.

For heaven's sake! What's the matter with that man?

Why- Why- Why doesn't he fall?

What's the idea of stealing my elevator?

We haven't got your elevator, silly.

Huh? I never wear them.

What do you mean by insulting a guest? Well, he was-

You're fired!

Thank you, Toppy.

I've got a beehive in my stomach, but don't mention it.

There's the bud now. Ask him what make she is. Yeah, she's a beaut.

So that's the babe you've been talking about. She'd be a cinch to handle.

No gentlemen would talk about a lady like that, and I demand an apology.

You gonna... apologize? Ah, you're daffy.

Why, you!

Let's go, Marion!

Get in.

Hey, there's the little creep now! Get him!

What's going on here?

One at a time. One at a time!

Now, who hit who? He hit us!

Oh, he hit us? Yeah!

One man attacking the whole gang? The other two helped him.

What other two? Where are they? In there.

Now don't try to be funny! You, what happened?

That's right, Officer. He started it, then his two friends jumped in.

What two friends? Where are they? They got in there.

Then the other two jumped out of the car and started slugging me from behind!

Hold on now. Wait a minute!

Now then, what other two?

Holy cats! They're gone!

All right, all right!

Now look, mister, maybe you can tell me what happened.

Me? Yeah.

I wanna sing.

This one wants to sing.

All right, Danny. Come on. Let's take 'em all in.

Sit down there.

People v. Cosmo Topper.

Say, were you guys in the same fight with him? I'll say we were.

Who is he? He's a big-shot banker from Wall Street.

What'd he do? For no reason, he hangs a haymaker on Eddie's kisser.

A charge of being drunk and disorderly, attacking a peaceful citizen...

and inciting a riot.

I'll tidy you up a little.

Brush him off, George, while I fix his hanky. Okay.

There are four serious-

Just a nervous eccentricity, Your Honor. It sometimes gets the better of me.

There are four serious charges here, Mr. Topper.

I presume you wish to plead not guilty and tell your side of the story.

On the contrary, Your Honor, I wish to plead guilty and get it over with.

Well, in that case, you leave me no alternative except to fine you $100.

Why, that's outrageous! - What's that?

I- I said, where do you pay us?

I mean, where do you pay it?

Right there. Next case.

But the dame, wow! A dame? What did she look like? Who is she?

A burlesque queen or something. Swell-lookin' doll, but plenty tough.

Next case.

All right, boys, out of the way.

Is everything all right, Wilkins?

I should say, sir, though it's not my place, that everything is quite all wrong.

In fact, I might even go so far as to add that you have become a legend before your time.

Has-Has Mrs. Topper heard about last night?

Mrs. Topper, sir, has read about last night.

It's four minutes past 8:00. I know, I know. We dress now.

Good morning, dear. Good morning, Cosmo.

I'm late.

Your egg, sir. Oh.

Your toast, sir.

Well, I- I mean, go on.

Let's get it over.

Cosmo, I've been a good wife to you.

I've helped you climb to the top in the business world...

and I certainly raised you socially.

I married you for better or for worse.

And if you see fit to drag yourself and me in the gutter-

Oh, Clara, please.

Of course, you realize we'll have to face the world without any friends.

No one with any self-respect will ever cross our threshold again.

And you had to pick this particular time too.

Well, I- I don't understand just what you mean...

about "this particular time," Marion.

I had every good reason to believe that the Stuyvesants...

were going to ask us to their next big party.

The Stuyvesants. Oh, of course.

Yes, I know you - you wanted to be asked there for years.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Don't be sorry, Cosmo.

What's done is done. And I will do my part...

to save what little I can from the wreck you've made of our lives.

- 8:42, sir. - Oh. Oh, dear.

Yes, madam? Is Mrs. Topper home?

Who shall I say is calling? Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Mrs. Ruther- Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant? Oh.

Come in, madam.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant calling, madam. Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant!

Oh, good gracious, Wilkins, you must be mistaken.

No, madam. Shall I-

Oh, yes, of course.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Well, so you're Mrs. Topper.

I just dropped in to ask you and that delicious husband of yours to come to dinner...

next Friday night before our little dance.

Why, we- Why, I-

Oh, I do owe you an apology. I should have called on you years ago,

but I didn't know whether you would approve of our little crowd.

Approve? Oh, my dear.

Well, you see, I understood you like to lead a quiet, simple life.

But after reading about Mr. Topper's delightful escapade-

Mrs. Goodrich and Mrs. Simpkins.

Well. Hello, Grace.

I saw your car outside and thought I'd just pop in.

We've been so anxious to meet you. I'm sure we must have a great deal in common.

Thank you. I'm sure. How do you do?

What a divine life our Mrs. Topper must live. She must have a thrill a minute.

Living with Mr. Topper must be like dancing on dynamite.

My goodness. That's not a very good picture of him.

Well, bless my blond heart.

I never expected Mousy to break out in this kind of a heat wave.

Could, uh, I borrow your lipstick?

Sure. Thank you.

Oh. Dreaming it up, huh?

Good morning, Mr. Topper. Beautiful day, isn't it?

No. Uh, yes, I meant.

Good morning, Mr. Topper. Good morning.

Good morning! Good morning.

Well, good morning, Mr. Topper. Good morning.

What's the matter with you, Miss Johnson? Stop gaping at me.

I'm not a monster, in spite of the papers.

What's the matter with everybody? Respectable bankers like J.D.,

who oughta frown on me, slapped me on the back and asked me if she has a friend.

I- I can't understand it.

Take a letter, please.

Mr. Wilson P. Hemmingway, Buffalo, New York.

Dear sir, Your collateral is satisfactory,

and this corporation is prepared to finance your proposition 100%.

It will of course be necessary for you to deposit the bonds with us.

Stop goggling, Miss Johnson.

To resume.

I would suggest that you come to New York...

at your earliest convenience.

Really, Miss Johnson. You seem to be staring at my hat...

as though you thought there was something dreadful the matter with it.

I do. Yes, well, then I think perhaps you better take the day off...

and do whatever you do do on your day off.

Perhaps I'd better had. Yes.

All right, George, you win.

But I - I do think you might show a little respect for the bank.

Don't push me!

Where are you?

What-

Marion wants a soda.

Oh. So it's you, Marion.

After all the things you've done to me,

you want me to buy you a soda? Mm-hmm. A chocolate one.

Don't you understand that this is my private office?

But all I want is a chocolate soda with some vanilla ice cream in it.

Why doesn't George buy you one? 'Cause he's wandered off.

Besides, he doesn't like sodas.

And, Toppy, I'm lonely anyway.

Haven't you any friends?

None that I like as well as you.

Don't you do that again, ever!

Supposing George were watching us. But he isn't.

Well, how do I know he's not? You'll just have to take my word for it.

Now stop being difficult. Come on.

Here's your hat and here's your stick. Here are your gloves.

Marion wants a nice- I know.

You want a chocolate soda with vanilla ice cream. Mm-hmm. Do I get it?

Not for a million dollars. Oh, so you're gonna be mean?

All right. I can be just as stubborn as you are.

I won't budge from here. I know what I'll do.

I'll- I'll scream. You wouldn't dare.

Oh, wouldn't I, though?

Help! Stop it! I'll do anything you like, but don't do that.

All right, then. Come on. Shut that door.

You can't go out like that. What will the people in the office think?

Well, supposing I go out like this?

All right, go on.

Why, shame on you, biting little children.

What's going on here?

Oh! I wanna stop here.

Don't do that, Marion. You nearly wrecked us.

I'll be out before you can say "Jack Robinson.

Only don't say it for a few minutes.

Don't talk. Someone will hear you.

Don't look now, Toppy, but there's some lip rouge on your cheek.

Huh? Oh, yes.

This is delightful.

You wait here and I'll go and investigate.

Marion, wh-what are you up to now?

Here I am, Toppy. Oh!

Marion, you-you promised to be good, and... now look at you.

- Don't you dare go away without me.

Why, I didn't see anything unusual, no.

Well, maybe it was the wind. Maybe you're right.

Cosmo?

Come right in here.

For heaven's sake, what are you doing home at this time of day?

I ran away. I - I mean, I thought it would be nice...

to feel how it would be to be here during the daytime, you know.

I really can't understand these women. They-

But, really. But women like Mrs. Stuyvesant and Mrs. Goodrich.

Never before have they - You can forget it if you wanted to.

And if you really cared for me, there are a whole lot of things you could forget about.

Forget? What do you mean, forget? Yes.

Well, I know that the newspaper said awful things about me,

but, you know, I'm not that sort of a man, really.

I'm- I'm just an old faithful dog.

That's all.

Uh-oh.

Old faithful dog?

Cosmo, I can't stand here and let you flaunt your infidelity in my face.

But, Clara - Don't speak. Don't try to explain.

It's all perfectly clear. But-But-But I bought them for you as a surprise.

A surprise? It's a shock!

No one - No one but a horrid woman would wear a thing like this.

Oh, Cosmo!

Clara, I'm so terribly sorry...

about those- about those things.

I- Please let me in, darling, won't you?

Go away. Go away,

wicked old man.

I beg your pardon, sir, but are we packing? I'mpacking.

Are we going away, sir?

I'mgoing away.

Can't you even look like a human being?

I don't know, sir. I've never tried. Well, you'd better try.

Now, sir? Why not?

No. Better go back to the old way, I think. Yes, sir.

And when shall I say you'll be back, sir?

Say, I don't know. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I am.

I don't know anything. Say anything that pops into your fat, stupid head.

And lo, the worm turns.

Ah, well.

I thought perhaps a cup of tea would help.

That's very kind of you. I don't want any tea, Wilkins.

And I won't be down for dinner.

I- I couldn't bear the thought of facing him.

That won't be necessary, madam. Mr. Topper has gone.

Gone? Gone where?

He didn't know. He didn't know?

But that's ridiculous. Nobody can go away and not know where they've gone.

Nobody can.

Wilkins, after all these years, are you trying to be funny?

No, madam. Mr. Topper went with a suitcase...

in the contraption.

He's left me.

I'll never see him again.

Oh, no, madam. He'll come back.

If you'll pardon the liberty, madam, he'll come back...

just to find out whether you've missed him or not whilst he was away.

They always do. Of course I'll miss him.

But he mustn't know that, madam.

What difference does it make? Even if he does come back,

I can never hope to hold him.

That woman- He- He doesn't want me anymore.

He- He wants these.

Did you say he wanted those, madam? Yes, I-I did.

Then why not let him have them? I don't-

I don't mean just these things.

I mean- Oh, Wilkins.

He's mad about the sort of creature who-

the sort of woman who wears these things.

But, my dear, dear madam, might I suggest that...

you could so easily be the alluring sort of woman who wears those?

Oh, confound it, madam. I still say if he wants the pants, let him have them.

Oh! Wilkins!

How dare you-

Wilk-

Have a bite, Toppy.

Marion!

That's for running away from me.

I'm mad at you. Well, why don't you go away? Leave me alone.

Oh, I'm not that mad. But I ask you, do you think it was very nice...

to run away from me?

Oh, don't let's talk about it anymore. I've had enough of it.

I've had enough of everything.

Oh, Toppy, don't be mad at me.

Where are we going? I don't know. I've left home.

Doesn't matter where I go. Oh!

Then I'll tell you what let's do.

Let's go to the Sea Breeze Hotel. It's right on this road.

Is it? Mm-hmm.

We can swim and play and dance every night.

There's a wonderful orchestra there. Oh, it'll be fun.

Swim and play and dance every night, eh?

I bet it would- What am I talking about?

I'm a married man. I can't go gallivanting off with a-

Oh, Toppy, you'll be fine.

Well, we won't go.

Look here, Marion, if you're here I'm gonna be very angry.

In fact, I am angry now. I won't have you upsetting me all the time.

Of course I'm here. You didn't suppose I'd leave my Toppy, did you?

Be careful. Here comes the bellboy.

Take this bag, will you?

Why are you staring at me like-like- like something? I don't know.

Aren't you the guy that cost me my last job?

Never saw you before in my life.

Hey, did you notice something funny about that guy?

That guy ain't funny. He ain't even human.

Then I'll take charge of this.

Call for Miss White, please. Calling Miss White.

How do you do?

We have a nice room on the third floor.

Third floor. That'll do very nicely, thank you. Any floor.

Take this gentleman to 314. Yes, sir. This way.

Did you see what I saw?

Did I see what, Sherlock?

Nothin'.

Are you always this anxious at getting a hotel room?

I have a reason for being anxious to get into this room in a hurry.

Well, I have a reason to get out of this room in a hurry.

Come on. Let me out. Go on.

Here. Wait a minute.

Here. Here. Go on. Get out. I wanna shut the door.

What's wrong with you?

Between you and that guy in 314,

you'll excuse me if I go nuts.

Marion. Marion, oh, I do hope it isn't you.

What did you say? I can't hear with this water running.

I said come out from under my shower!

No use. I can't understand a word you're saying.

Stop it, Marion. We're being watched.

I wish you'd fly out a window and leave me alone.

Oh, Marion, confound it. Use your common sense.

I've already used my common sense.

I've ordered cocktails.

And you'd better jump in the shower and get yourself pretty.

I wouldn't change my tie with you in the room.

Oh, Toppy, don't worry about me. Get into your dinner clothes.

You're not dressed, are you? Yes, I am dressed.

Well, get so that I can see you,

so that I can keep track of you.

How's this?

You didn't have this on under the shower, did you?

No. But I just decided to be dressed, and here I am.

Now you get dressed, and hurry up. All right.

You sit here where I can see you.

And what am I supposed to do, twiddle my thumbs?

Mr. Topper home? Mr. Topper's not at home, sir.

Are you sure? Am I sure?

Why, certainly, I'm sure, sir. Why shouldn't I be sure?

I just wondered. You look to me like the kind of fellow who might not be sure.

Mr. Topper is not at home, sir. That's what I said.

Wilkins, what is the matter?

Oh. Mrs. Topper?

Mrs. Topper, where's that mouse of a husband of yours?

Mouse? Shall I eject this person, madam?

Yes. Well, no.

Uh, listen, smiley, you stay out of this.

Mrs. Topper, I'm looking for that goofy husband of yours.

I beg your pardon, sir, but I must ask you to be a little more careful...

with your language in front of Mrs. Topper.

Otherwise, I shall put the slug on you.

No, no. Don't be athletic. Where's your husband?

Where's your husband, Mrs. Topper?

I don't know. Mr. Topper's gone away.

Yes, well, that's just what I thought. What do you mean?

Mrs. Topper, I'm looking for my wife,

and I've got a certain sneaking suspicion that if I find Topper,

I'm gonna find her too! You mean she might be with Cosmo?

Yes, well, it's just possible. Listen, have you got a slug of scotch?

'Cause I've got the jitters. I'm sorry, but we've never had any stimulants in the house.

That's a fine thing. Why don't you have a snort in the house for the poor man,

instead of lamb on Sunday, stew on Monday, beef on Wednesday?

Why don't you go out dancing with him occasionally? Then he wouldn't have left you.

I suppose you're right. Well, it's too late now. Oh, dear.

Please go, sir. You're breaking the madam's heart.

Yeah. Well, if I find Topper, I'll break his neck.

And believe me, I'll find him! Oh!

He's very handsome, isn't he?

Mrs. Topper!

Get me an aspirin. Why, of course.

Wilkins, I'm not supposed to be the butler. You are.

So I am. I'll get the aspirin myself.

Come in.

Marion, get out of here. Quick. Someone's coming. That's right.

Come in.

What are you gaping at?

C- Can I hear you say "Come in" again?

Don't be impertinent. Put those things down there.

Well, hurry up. Hurry up. Oh, get out!

Can't you look where I'm going? Yes, sir.

So what's eatin' you?

The next time I go to 314, I'm not going.

314? Yeah, the guy's spooky.

I just brought him four cocktails. Four cocktails at one time?

For one guy? Well, one guy and two voices.

What do you mean, two voices? Well, first he goes way down low like this.

Then he talks way up high like a dame. Talks way up-

Talks way up high like a dame? Well, get downstairs and get the manager.

Get him up here right away. He don't need a manager.

He needs a straitjacket. Hurry up.

Well? Don't scare me like that.

You know I'm a bundle of nerves when I'm on duty.

You sent for me, Casey. Yes, and I'm glad you finally got here.

Why? What's wrong? Hey, you see, the guy-

Quiet. I'm in charge here.

Don't you understand? He's got a woman in there,

and she's not registered.

I'll attend to this.

- Shh! Who is it? - I'm the hotel manager. Please open this door at once.

Vanish.

Shh.

I'm sorry, sir, but I shall have to ask you...

and, uh, the lady to give up your room.

The lady? What lady?

What lady? Perhaps you can explain the red on this cigarette.

Yes. I cut my tongue when I was shaving this morning.

Hmm. Cut your tongue? Mm-hmm.

Listen, don't try to kid us. There's a woman in here. We heard her.

Mm-hmm.

She's gone.

Casey, you're a fool.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Topper, to have caused you this embarrassment.

I- I hope you'll accept my apology.

Oh, but think nothing of it. Promise me you'll think nothing of it.

You have no idea how badly I should feel if you didn't promise me...

you were going to think nothing of it. Well, I am sorry. I-

I hope you'll accept my humble apology.

Why, it's a deal.

I guess I'm sorry too. Cuckoo!

Uh, m-me too. Get out of here, you moron.

House detective, eh?

A fine hash you've made of things.

Now don't tell me that you hear two people laughing.

Another mistake like this and you'll be fired.

Now, watch yourself.

Come on, Toppy. I'm hungry.

Let's go down to dinner. On an empty stomach? I want some more pink ladies.

I'll get you some more pink ladies. Come on.

It's a good thing no one saw us coming out of my room.

Why, Toppy, I think we look lovely.

We're the best dressed couple in this hallway.

Well, let's- let's pretend we're not together.

dddd

Thank you, Toppy. Mm-hmm.

You know, Marion, you're positively beautiful.

Yes, I might almost say you were gorgeous.

Mmm.

I will say it. You are gorgeous.

I think you're gorgeous too, darling.

Oh, captain, bring the wine list. We don't want a wine list.

No? We want a flock more of pink ladies.

That's right. Bring a lot of pink ladies.

And go on bringing them, on and on. Yes, sir.

Yeah! dd Old Man Moon Wake up now dd

dd 'Cause I've fallen in love dd

Yeah! dd Go spread the news dd

dd To all the stars above dd

dd Shine for my baby while we're dancin' tonight dd

dddd I wanna dance.

I thought we wanted to drink. Mm-hmm.

I do. I wanna drink, I wanna dance, I wanna sing.

I wanna- I wanna have fun.

Whee! Whoo-hoo! Come on! Let's dance.

dd And if it's possible dd

dd Keep shinin' till noon dd

dd My sincerest thanks to you, sir dd

dd Old Man Moon dd

dddd

My, this is fun. Well, I'm glad one of us is enjoying it.

Oh, I say, huh? Oh, no. Don't listen to me. I really like it a lot.

And I like you a lot. Toppy, are you falling in love with me?

I tell you, I'm just that way about you.

Just that way about my wife, huh?

Listen, Marion, what did you mean by that remark on the telephone?

We're not married anymore. Come here. I want to talk to you.

Hey, listen, what are you so burned up about?

What about you up in Westchester?

Don't change the subject. What did you mean by that remark?

You'll pardon us, but this is just an old family after-dinner custom.

Now, listen, Marion - Oh, George, you're ruining our good evening.

Here. Have a pink lady. Oh, I've had a pink lady.

And to places with a good deed. I'd rather have you. Of course, of course.

You stay out of this. Never mind, Toppy. I'll meet you in the lobby.

What's wrong here? You are. Take a walk.

You can't talk that way to me. Shut up!

She's right. That's enough out of you.

See here, young la-

Where did she go to? Never mind.

You stay here like a good little pelican, and I'll find her.

Hey, where are you?

Where'd you go to? Where are ya, either one of ya?

Why don't you watch what you're doing! I didn't do anything.

Well, then watch yourself. Well, I've got enough to worry about.

What happened? I-

Stop pushing me! I'll not stop pushing you because I didn't push you!

Ohh! Topper, you're going home to your wife where you belong.

George, I won't be ordered about. You're going home!

I am not. Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, you naughty boy, to tickle me like that.

What?

Well, my husband will put a stop to this.

I wish he would, really.

Where are you going? I quit.

That guy from 314 is too much for me.

Don't be silly. I'll have this rumpus straightened out before I can bat an eye.

You just stand here and bat your eyes.

I'm going out and get a nice quiet job in a nut factory.

Sit down, Topper. I wanna talk to you.

I won't sit down! Oh, yes, you will.

No, I will not.

Something a little odd about this hotel, don't you think?

I'm having a little chair trouble, but you pay no attention to it.

I'm, uh- I'm reading.

Where's Casey? I don't know. He wouldn't be any help anyway.

Well, you go call the police before the whole hotel's wrecked.

George. George, this can't go on.

It's gotta stop.

George.

I beg your pardon. Did you drop this?

Oh!

Why, you- you witch, you!

Casey, get that wild man to my office before we lose every guest in the house.

Right. I'll show him who he thinks we are.

The manager wants to see you instantaneously.

I don't wanna see him. Now, don't evade the question. You're gonna see him anyhow.

George? George.

George!

Uh-huh. I've been looking for you.

What do you say we make up? Okay, hon.

Hey, you know, this is the best fight we ever had.

But look at poor Toppy. We've gotta do something about him.

It's practically done. Get his bag in the car.

All right, darling.

Oh! What are you doing?

Stop it! You're hurting Rollo!

Take this sack of bones off of me!

Won't somebody help me, please? So you're the guy that caused all this trouble, huh?

I'm the house detective. I'm in charge here.

Come on. Get up.

Here, hold this while I go for the cuffs.

Eh, what is this? It's a dog.

Are you trying to make a sap out of me? It's too late.

Who said that? Did you say that?

Of course not. That's what's wrong here.

There's a phantom something or someone who's wrecking this hotel.

And I want him caught! A phantom?

Who you trying to kid?

All right, men, surround it!

Surround who? Who's giving orders here?

You folks watch the door. Come on, men. Follow me.

All right, men, line up. We'll rake the room.

Quiet!

Ooh-ga-boo!

Steady, men. We're closing in on him.

Bread and butter.

Ba-boom! Happy New Year!

There he is!

Ooh! Get off!

Up. Get up!

A fine bunch of cops you are.

I had that guy right where he wanted me, till you crossed him up.

He's gone! He's gone!

Sergeant, he's gone. He got into the automobile and drove away,

but nobody was driving it.

Oh, there must be an easier way to make a livin' than this.

Stop squirming, Topper. What's the matter with you?

I can't help it. Look at that speedometer.

What are you two trying to do, make me like you?

Can't help it, old boy.

I'm scared stiff! Where are we going?

I'm sorry, Topper. I don't know.

All I know is I've gotta go there, fast! Slow down!

Please slow down!

I said you'd ruin me, and you have.

Now you've done it.

George, Marion, where are you? Oh.

A fine thing. Here we are again.

Hmph. Once more around that curve, I won't have a hat left.

Look at Topper. Hmm?

Now look here, you two. But look at me.

I'm just like you now. Keep your garters on, Toppy.

You'll be all right. You're just a little unconscious.

Ah, yeah. You're much too solid, Topper.

I don't think you've become a member of our club yet.

Well, I won't go back. I won't do it. Why not?

You won't do what? I won't go back to that silly old routine.

Up at 8:00, bed at 11:00. Lamb on Sundays. I won't do it!

Oh, Topper, don't be foolish. They won't make you do that again.

I'd rather stay here with you and Marion,

even though it is like living on the top of a volcano.

But, Topper, you've gotta go back. You don't know how much it means to her.

No, I won't. Topper, you've gotta go back! Don't you see-

George! Trumpets!

No, no, it isn't trumpets. It's an ambulance! Get back, Topper!

No, I don't wanna go.

Well, if I've got to go, I've got to go.

But I'll get up when I feel like it in the morning and I'll have some fun.

Where were we?

You've had an accident, but you're safe at home and you're going to be all right.

Where's-Where's Marion?

I'll call Mrs. Topper right away. No, not Mrs. Topper.

Marion. Who's Marion?

Oh. Mm-hmm.

She's probably someone I dreamed about when I was in the ether.

But you didn't have any ether. Oh, yes, I did.

You'd be surprised.

Your wife is very anxious to see you. Do you feel able to talk to her?

You would bring that up.

I'm all right. Go ahead and call her.

Might as well get it over with.

Mr. Topper is conscious and wishes to see you.

- Is he really all right? - He's perfectly fine.

Oh!

Madam?

Why, Wilkins! Mmm.

dd dd The old oaken bucket

dd The iron-bound bucket dd

dd The moss-covered bucket that hangs- dddd

See? Since I quit drinking, no more jitters.

Well, I wish you'd sit down. You give me the jitters.

What in the world are you trying to do anyway? Shh!

Quiet. I'm practicing to be an angel.

Some angel you'll make. Hmm!

Nice retorting.

Well, I'm still your little angel, aren't I, honey?

Oh, stop it. Well, aren't I?

Of course you are. But don't say "Aren't I.

Okay, pet.

Ain't I?

Say, I do hope Mrs. Topper doesn't gum up our good deed.

Well, we'll know in a minute.

Oh, darling. I was so afraid I was going to lose you.

Oh, you can't lose a bad penny like me, you know.

You're not a bad penny. You're just the dearest, sweetest husband...

a woman ever had.

Darling, you amaze me. You look so differently,

and you- you act so differently.

I am different. And I've been praying you'd come back,

so I could prove it.

Will you promise not to laugh if I show you something?

I promise.

I'm-I'm too astonished to laugh.

You do understand, don't you?

Oh, darling, I understand. Why... I love you.

Cosmo.

But I wonder if you knew everything. If you knew-

I don't want to know anything. I'm just going to love you, and never question.

So long, Toppy. We're on our way.

We won't be seeing you anymore, Toppy. So long.

What was that? I thought I heard voices.

No. Remember, darling, love me and never question.

Bless our happy home.

Oh. Me.

Yes, that's right.

Y- O-U.

You.

- Oh. You. - Yes.

Me. You.

- Me. You. - Yes.

Man. Woman.

That's right.

- Sea. - Yes.

- Earth. - No, no. No.

Sea. Sky. Earth.

Me, uh-

Uh, stupid.

- Stupid? - Yes.

Oh, me... stupid.

Caleb! Caleb, it's a ship!

It's come! You were wrong, you old porpoise!

A derelict.

- He want go away? - Aye.

Why?

- Why? - He's sad when he thinks of his homeland.

No, no. There is vahini- a woman.

It's hard to explain.

Someday he'll tell you all about it.

No be sad.

Ship will come sometime.

No. I shall be here for the rest of my days.

I know ship come.

I ask sea send it.

Well, that's the last of the derelict.

They want know what for?

You tell 'em I make knives, hatchets. They'll see. Very good.

- What this? - It's to eat with.

No, no, no. Like this.

Why?

Go on. Try again.

No. I am too stupid.

No, perhaps I'm the one that's stupid. These things have no place here.

- I am so... proud. - Why?

You have done much for my people. And they know it.

You see how they all come to you now...

and ask if they should do this or do this?

Even Feenou.

They make you chief if you say.

This time it's no derelict.

- Eve- - You will go.

- If you stay out of pity, I will throw myself in sea. - But, Eve, I-

I can only be happy if you are happy.

They will not land.

I told them it would mean that spears would be thrown.

It is better for your people if no more white men come here.

They want fresh meat and water. That I promised them.

She's a Dutchman homeward bound for Rotterdam.

We sail on the ebb, two hours after sunset.

She'll fire a gun when 'tis time.

I've something for you.

My share. I'll have no need for them.

I don't understand. What do you mean?

It will help you buy your estates and clear your name.

This is the fortune you've always wanted.

Aye, I've always wanted a fortune.

Now I've found it.

I'm not going with you, lad.

- Are you going to stay here the rest of your life? - Aye.

You thought I was mad when I told you about the island.

You were right. I was then.

Mad for riches, but I didn't know what they were.

Now I have found them and wisdom too.

No, I'm not going with you, Ben.

And I don't envy you.

Good morning, Your Worship.

Good morning.

Well, who's waiting?

Milord Havistock, sir. He insists on seeing you at once.

He thinks he should be made a knight commander of the Bath.

I don't. I told the king so.

Who else?

Colonel de Forest, sir. He wants you to use your influence to-

Ah, London is full of colonels who want brigades...

and bishops who want to be archbishops.

- Who else? - A goodly number of the usual, sir.

And, oh, a sailor, sir. A common seafaring man...

who claims he has a tale to interest you.

Tell him to take his tale somewhere else. I've no time to waste.

But begging your pardon, sir. I told him to go. He laughed at me.

He said to give you this, sir.

Huh?

Hmm.

Well.

Well, 'tis an interesting calling card.

The others can wait.

Tell the sailor to bring in his tale.

Yes, Your Worship.

Please, please, please. One at a time.

- Please, milords and gentlemen. - But I've been waiting for hours.

This way, my man.

I'll give you five minutes.

- My time is not to be wasted. - So I heard.

- That's why I came to you. - Compliments are a waste of time.

I was told that you're a man of influence-

- in parliament and in the courts. - I won't deny it.

That you can buy titles or pardons, make men or break their enemies.

- Come to it. - Do you know Sir Arthur Blake of Breetholm in Wiltshire?

Aye. He gambles on the exchange.

Well, he's my uncle... and my enemy.

Boil me, but you've chosen yourself a hard one.

He is also a usurper, since his title and estates are rightfully mine...

by inheritance from my father, Sir Godfrey Blake.

Godfrey! Aha! Yeah, I knew Godfrey.

A buck. What do you want of me?

Breetholm- my right to it confirmed in law.

That's simple. Why come to me?

Because it isn't so simple. There's never been any proof that my father was ever married.

And you believe you have any rights?

And that isn't all. I'm wanted by the crown for an attempted assault...

against Sir Arthur while I was still his bonded servant.

- A hanging offense! - I knew that when I came here.

Fry me if you're not a buck too.

Sit down.

Now, you want to be confirmed...

in a title and estates to which you may have no legal right...

and to be pardoned by the king for a hanging offense?

- Aye. - Aye. Well, 'tis a modest request.

If you feel it's beyond your powers, I can go to someone else.

No, keep your chair.

It might be arranged.

But, uh, it would cost...

I think more than you can afford.

Is there enough there?

Which reminds me that my fee will be �2,000.

I'll pay you 5,000 if you ask it.

Boil me, sir, will you haggle with me?

When I make a price, I hold to it.

Now I want some details. Your father was Godfrey Blake, huh?

- And who was your mother? - Bessie Kidder.

Yeah. Where were you born?

In the city of Bombay in India. My father took my mother there.

- Without a parson? - That's what they say.

Ah, it's a hard nut, Ben.

Perhaps too hard even for my jaws to crack.

Your enemy has the law on his side...

which wouldn't matter a threepenny bit if he didn't have power to go with it.

Do you understand me?

I'll have to deal with men of his own kind-

arrogant lordlings and stuffed gowns-

who'll be much more likely to favor his case than yours.

Yeah, they'll be against you...

because they know that 'tis only a sham that keeps the likes of them up...

and the likes of you down.

The sham of blood.

And the truth is, a man's a man, whatever you name him.

Well, come back in a month.

No. No, I'll take care of these.

Yeah, they'll be safer with me.

You don't trust me?

Well, it seems I have no choice since I put myself in your hands.

Fry me! You've got a head on your shoulders!

- I'll have to have some money, though, to pay a few debts. - How much?

- A thousand pounds. - Yeah.

Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut.

Your time's up. Get out.

Get back with ya!

You'll find him in here, sir.

I have a pistol you made for me many years ago.

Aye. Once I did the best work in the shire.

Perhaps you could repair it for me.

I've got no tools, and there's no workbench here.

- What if you were free? - Free? Huh!

That would take �40- �40 for my offense.

God knows it was no crime.

There's none who will pay it for you?

One. One only.

But he's far away. Perhaps dead.

Can you stand a shock- a surprise?

- Aye. - You won't cry out...

but sit there just the same as though we were still talking about the pistol?

Aye. Is he alive?

Alive and well.

- Where is he? - Back in England.

- Is he caught? - No.

And he won't be. He's right here beside you.

- Ben! - Hush!

Listen to me. I haven't come back a poor man.

Put your hand beside you under your coat.

No. You're still hiding from them.

I hope to have my freedom in a month.

Then for a month it's enough to know that you're alive and that you've got your gold.

If I bought myself out now, they'd know where I got it.

Take it anyway, just in case.

Aye, in case. But I'll not use it till you're a free man.

- If you can stand it here. - I've stood it these years.

I'll make these years up to you, every minute of them.

The turnkey's coming.

If you should want me, get in touch with Silas Jones at the George & Crown.

Aye, that was a good pistol you made me. I'm sorry you cannot mend it.

Good day to you.

Herbert! Where's that wine, you scoundrel!

Coming, Your Worship. Coming.

And so I said to Lady Beeval, You remind me of a weasel.

She said, Why, Sir Arthur, I thought you were a gentleman.

I said, "Whatever gave you that impression?

Here is something that may please you.

- Ben! - Shh.

I don't want to disturb your father, at least not yet.

I can't believe my eyes. Where? How?

I had to see you, if only for a moment.

I'd begun to think you dead.

Later you shall know all.

Ben, they're beautiful. Priceless.

I've come back with a fortune, darling.

I've come back to claim what's mine. You haven't forgotten your promise?

No, dear, not for a moment.

That may be Father. If he found you here, he'd kill you.

He's tried that before.

- When will I see you? - I'll come tomorrow, same time.

Where are you living? Suppose something happened and I needed you?

I'm at the George & Crown in Bristol under the name of Master Silas Jones.

You go around the rear. You wait here.

You two inside and wait for me.

Drop the reins and put up your hands.

Could I have a word with the prisoner? He's my grandson.

All right, gaffer. We'll give you a minute.

- Did you see Pratt? - Aye.

After trying for two days, I reached him at his own house.

Ben, he said he knew of no Benjamin Blake.

He denied flat ever having heard of ya.

Yeah, I should have known better.

I was a fool ever to put my trust in him.

Have you anything to say in your own behalf...

before the court pronounces sentence?

No, Your Lordship. I have nothing to say in my own defense.

For I am guilty of the crime charged against me.

And if I could live my life again, I'd be guilty of the same crime...

and be prepared to hang for it again.

The charge is that I, a bonded servant, attempted assault against my master.

It matters nothing that that assault was richly deserved.

The law says that I must hang for it. Beyond that, the law does not look.

If justice were not so blind, it'd be quite clear that men like Sir Arthur Blake...

should not be permitted to make chattels out of other human beings-

to use them as playthings for their cruelty and brutality.

I alone dared to defy him because we are both of the same blood...

because I suffered a personal injustice at his hands-

an injustice which is of no interest to Your Lordship or thejury.

Others have suffered as much as I- more than I.

Men have been crippled by him. One was blinded.

Others broken in spirit and soul without any hope of redress within the law...

because the law is on the side of Sir Arthur and his kind!

Your Lordship, this is treasonable!

The prisoner will be allowed to finish.

Thank you, milord.

I hold no grudge against this court. I have had a fair trial.

Your Lordship and the jury have only done your duty toward me.

But I only hope in going to the scaffold...

that I can hasten the doom of this injustice.

That the day will come when Englishmen who serve other Englishmen...

will do so as free men- paid for their work...

but keeping title to their spirits and their souls.

What the prisoner has said is interesting and largely true.

But as you point out, the justice of this court...

is rigidly confined by the law.

And so, I must pronounce sentence upon you...

for the crime of which you have been found guilty.

- The sentence of this court is- - Milord!

May I beg the indulgence of this court?

Uh-

The court will listen with interest to anything...

that Mr. Bartholomew Pratt has to say.

But, Your Lordship, the jury has already made its findings.

I submit that it would be outrageous to-

The court will hear Mr. Pratt.

But what the learned gentleman says is true.

The court has already found the prisoner guilty.

On the basis of the evidence submitted...

no other finding could have been made.

The prisoner is guilty of the crime charged to him...

but only if it can be proved...

that any crime was committed in the first place.

I do not understand you, Mr. Pratt.

The evidence has not been refuted. The prisoner has entered no denial.

Perfectly true, milord.

As I understand it...

he is charged with an attempted assault...

upon the person of Sir Arthur Blake, baronet of Breetholm.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Then, milord, I must submit that there has been no crime...

since there is no Sir Arthur Blake...

and since the man accused of committing it...

is and was at the time of the alleged offense...

himself Sir Benjamin Blake...

baronet of Breetholm.

Milord, Your Lordship knows that thejury-

But, milord, these- these proceedings are highly irreg-

Milord, I protest.

Most extraordinary statement, Mr. Pratt...

from one of your standing and repute.

I am prepared to prove it, milord.

If Your Lordship will read this entry...

from the log of the East India Company ship, Calcutta Queen...

which I obtained from the company's offices in London.

This day, I joined in holy wedlock...

Sir Godfrey Blake, passenger, and Mistress Bessie Kidder, a passenger.

I have also here the sworn statements...

of the mate of the Calcutta Queen who is still living...

and of Dr. Fleetwood...

formerly of Bombay and, uh, others.

Isabel!

Isabel!

Well, he's won.

- Won? - Aye.

He had the proofs in court and gained his release.

Bartholomew Pratt's behind him.

No barrister in England would take a case against Pratt.

Then Breetholm is his?

Aye.

Well, don't you understand? We're ruined.

You are.

I'm not.

What do you mean?

I didn't tell you why he came here that night.

It was to ask me to remain here...

as his wife.

Not really.

Now that has possibilities.

Yes.

As a fond father, I might even be persuaded to give my blessing to such a brilliant marriage.

I'm afraid your blessing won't be appreciated.

I intend to make it appreciated.

What do you mean?

You are my daughter. We understand each other.

- Well? - I know your marriage will be a happy one.

I only hope that in your happiness you will not be tempted...

to forget your poor father now that he is broken and humbled.

- Why should I forget you? - Oh, I'm certain you won't.

I'm counting on the milk ofhuman kindness, which I'm sure you'll not allow to...

uh, curdle within you for your filial affection.

- Come to the point! - If you insist.

In case you are tempted, I ask you only to remember...

that we share one secret which might be of interest to the happy bridegroom.

- Go on. - A strange fellow, Ben-

moody and quick to take offense.

What would he say, for instance, if he were to learn...

who told me that I'd find him at the George & Crown the night he was arrested?

What would he say to that, my dear?

- You wouldn't dare. - Wouldn't I?

And even if you did, he wouldn't believe you. Why do you think he came back?

For revenge? No. For me. He loves me.

All his life he's worshipped me. He'll do anything I ask him...

believe anything I tell him, even if you were to swear to him on a Bible-

Ben, you-you mustn't believe what he says.

It isn't true, Ben. It- It isn't true.

Sometime ago, you were concerned with my education.

Perhaps now we can complete it.

It will give me the greatest satisfaction.

And it is my wish that the estate known as Breetholm...

shall be divided among my friends, its present tenants...

to be held by them in fee simple...

as freeholders and free men while they live...

and by their heirs and assignees thereafter.

The manor house and park...

I give to my grandfather and dear friend, Amos Kidder.

In witness whereof, I have this day...

set my hand and seal.

It is signed "Ben...

once known as Sir Benjamin Blake...

baronet and master of Breetholm.

Eve.